*Hi! This is my first fic ever! I caved cause Breaking Dawn has haunted me for 15years and I NEED TO FIX IT.
This chap starts the night before bella's wedding. Fortunately, I'm not stephenie meyer. Characters belong to her. (but they're mine now) muhahaha.
All of the nightmares that I've had in the past two years have been horrifying, but this one might just take the cake.
It was complete sensory deprivation. I couldn't breathe, I couldn't see, I couldn't hear. I could only feel wetness pooling around me, luring me into its depth. Slowly.
It felt thick and strange on my skin, coating it. A bath that couldn't clean me. In fact, it was doing the opposite.
The layers kept building atop my skin, weighing me down. I was sinking.
Slowly.
And slowly, my senses started to resurface, starting with my sense of smell. At first, I couldn't make out the scent because I could only focus on forcing my muscles to move against the demanding quicksand-like waves. But it was no use; I was not strong enough. I never was or would be.
I needed a sense of direction. I had nothing to propel me out of the thick metallic sea. Metallic. That's when it hit me.
It was blood.
But it wasn't fresh blood; it was coagulated. Tons and tons of it. A pool of it. Maybe even an ocean.
Was it my own blood? My loved ones?
Slowly, the light shone brightly. I must've been lost in darkness for a long time because the light assaulted my eyes, causing the waves of crimson to blur. My eyes struggled to adjust, and I was ready to give up. But my queasy stomach motivated me to escape this sea of terror.
And then I saw it. I saw him. He was above me on a rocky ledge, primarily hidden in fog. He smiled at me and dipped his finger in the waves to check the temperature, I assume. That grin, beautiful and brilliant, eased me, but I still was deep in my struggle.
"You're safe," he murmured.
The bright light ricocheted off his diamond chest, causing my eyes to burn even more. He was entirely nude, with blood dripping off his hands and lips; the red was the only color that contrasted against his alabaster skin. Despite the horrors, he still looked like a God.
"I'm sorry, my love, you must've slipped. You weren't supposed to see this yet. I saved this as a surprise for you once you've been turned. I know how thirsty you will be, and I'd like to be prepared. You may not be strong enough to hunt in the woods for a few years, at least. Possibly even a decade!" He smirked at me, still twirling his ivory finger in the waves.
The scent was everywhere; it was all-encompassing.
Why was Edward not trying to pull me out? I wanted to beg him, but the waves rose higher, licking the edges of my bottom lip as if they were eager to make me taste it.
I forced back a gag.
"I know you will say that supplying you with an ocean of feed is excessive, but l just want to make this as easy on you as possible. You will get everything you need and more." He leaned down to kiss the top of my head.
My lungs burned, and black spots danced around in my vision. It wasn't long before I'd be completely submerged, and the thought made me so sick I could no longer stand it. The blood rose up high enough to cover my mouth and nose, so I tried to scream with my bulging eyes.
PLEASE. GET ME OUT.
Suddenly, I could no longer see again.
Was this some sick wedding ritual or something? A bloody baptism to prove my willingness? I was more than willing; I know that I wanted nothing more in my life than Edward, than immortality. Was this a test of my strength? He already knew I couldn't stomach the scent of blood. He knew I was weak. So why? Was this Edward trying to scare me out of my decision once again? Nothing made any sense.
I started to slip away again in the vast darkness that seemingly called for me. It brought me back to last March when I was drowning after I dove off a cliff in La Push. I did anything to hear his voice; I was willing to die for him even then. Much like that time in the ocean, the drowning was happening much too quickly. I knew I didn't have much time left here, and soon, I would disintegrate and become one with the thick plasma. The pressure in my skull felt like a ticking time bomb; my muscles morphed into anchors, dragging me further down.
Down.
Down.
I saw the memories then. In my mind's eye, familiar faces leaped out and blurred together. It was a burst of scenes on fast-forward that I only had minutes left to understand.
I saw Renee and Charlie holding a baby girl in a hospital bed, cooing into her face. Then I saw her as an older child, waiting in the night for her mother to tuck her in. Her mother only came sometimes. I saw her embarrassed reflection in the ballet studio as she tripped over her own feet. I saw the Arizona sun, the moss-drenched trees in Forks, a red Chevy. I saw the girl, much older, consoling her father. She was surrounded by her friends at school, laughing. Then there was Edward holding her, kissing her so hard she fainted, saving her from James and Victoria. The Cullens' cold embrace, Jasper's hungry eyes, graduation. Emily's house, the fur of wolves, welcoming smiles fading into disgusted ones.
I saw her come back to life in Jacob Black's Rabbit, his warm smile that filled the hole in her chest, his heat, their shared kiss, his anger. I saw her dead eyes as she leaped off that cliff, her desperation in Italy, her nightmares finally slowing as Edward held her through the night. La Push driftwood, spaghetti at the Blacks' house, dreamcatchers.
I saw her unease when Edward got on one knee and her blank expression as the days passed by while she didn't process a single thing. I saw her desperation to be something other than herself, how she begged for it, and how thrilled her immortal future made her. I could see the way she refused to look back.
I saw all the tragedy, the danger, the people she hurt, the blood, the pain, the agony. Through it all, her safety was always considered, but why did she need it so often to begin with?
I saw it all so vividly, so undeniably real. I saw the life of Bella Swan for the first time. And I saw how it was all coming to an end.
At that moment, I was being pulled up by my armpits. I broke the surface, gasping.
"Let's go get you cleaned up, Bella. We'll be sharing our vows in only a few hours."
My eyelids flew open faster than I could stop screaming.
It was just a dream, just another dream. I glanced around my familiar room and sighed a sigh of relief as my body melted into my warm bed. But unfortunately, not even my warm bed stopped the nausea. The fact that it was a dream didn't seem to matter at all. I could still smell the blood.
The bile rose up my throat, and I knew that I had to flee the bed immediately if I was going to make it. I leaned over the porcelain bowl, hoping Charlie didn't hear me, and tried to puke as quietly as possible. Ugh. Leave it to me to have a dream like this the night before my wedding. Is blood something I could ever get used to? Would vampirism really cure this phobia that I've had since I was a kid? The thought alone caused another wave of sickness to ripple through my core.
I lay down on the cold tile of the bathroom floor, thankful that my traditionalist Edward refused to see his bride the night before. How would I even explain this without causing him to worry?
Anytime I'm alone, which is almost…never, I have the nightmares. They aren't always about Edward or my future, but they always come. The future of never having to deal with another nightmare again will probably be one of the biggest pros of immortality. It almost seems as if my mind can't handle everything happening to it; I suppose a human brain was never built for this. Vampirism was the fix.
I roll onto my back and close my eyes, and just like that, the silence is what did it.
The lack of distractions, the loneliness, my inescapable mind. It all hit me at once, and, just like my nightmare, I couldn't breathe.
My body felt like a machine that was kickstarting after a period of not using it. My chest violently heaved up and down as all the thoughts consumed me at once. It's easier to push it all down and store it away than to face it. It's easier to move forward without looking back.
What's the rush to turn? Well, this is a big part of it. Of course, I love Edward and his family as my own. I deemed him my life, my savior, but why am I here? Why am I still drowning? I always knew it would come to this, but am I truly ready?
I slapped my head to force the thought away because I didn't want to think it, but I couldn't stop it as it slipped past the defenses I'd placed in my mind. When the thought hit me, it actually startled me.
But I couldn't help but think it:
I don't think I can do this.
Tears began to flow down my cheeks, and I could no longer keep my sobs inaudible. Deep wails that came from the pit of my stomach echoed in Charlie's small bathroom.
I don't think I can do this.
My limbs started to convulse as I imagined a life frozen in time, something I've thought about repeatedly in a positive light. Physical perfection, agility, forever with the love of my life. How could this be bad? Was my doubt just self-sabotage, or maybe it was everyone else's projections contaminating my choice? Maybe I do want it. But maybe I want it because it's an escape from Bella Swan. The girl that hasn't handled anything.
Charlie came rushing into the bathroom, wide-eyed and panicked.
"BELLS? Bells? What's going on? What happened?!"
He rushed to his knees and scooped me in his arms, checking me for injury.
"Shhhh, shhhh. It's alright, Bells, deep breaths. I've got you, baby girl, I've got you." He soothed my hair with one hand and gripped me tight with the other.
"I c-can't d-do it," I screamed into his chest.
Charlie stayed silent; he knew exactly what I meant.
"You don't have to do anything you don't want to do, do you hear me?"
But I did want it. Or I thought I did.
A sharp pang of guilt launched into my side from thinking about every sleepless night my father had to endure because of me. He might just be better off with me gone at this point.
I couldn't even explain all of the events that have happened in the past two years; there's no use in getting him to understand. He would never understand; nobody would. Well, not nobody.
Those who know this world exists currently hate my guts.
The pack, who felt like a family. The way I expected all of them to be dragged into my mess. I sat at their tribal council, listening to their stories and warnings, yet it changed nothing. It's embarrassing. I pushed away the only other people that would ever understand me. So, really, I deserve this.
I shook my head in his arms and attempted to compose my confused mind.
"I-I'm sorry. I'll be fine. It's j-just a-a l-lot."
Charlie pulled himself back to look at my face. Immediately, I covered it with my hands.
"This is what you want to do, right? You're just feeling scared, is all? You know I think you're too young, but I want you to do what's right for you."
I thought of Edward. Not the Edward in my dream. The real one who I know must be right for me. My feelings for him are much too intense, much too real to tell me otherwise. I felt the panic fade.
"I-it's just n-nerves, D-dad. It is right for m-me."
"Well, you're not looking so great right now, Bells. Maybe you should hold off for-"
"N-no. No more waiting. I-I can do it, it's j-just…h-hard. I have to sleep now."
He gave me a stern look and sighed.
"Alright, let's get you to bed, sweetie; it's 2 in the morning. We both gotta be up early. Sleep on it tonight and see how you feel in the morning. There is no need to rush if you aren't ready. Understand?"
Immediately after Charlie tucked me back into bed and shut the lights, I started shaking again. The quilt my mother made me and my purple weighted blanket couldn't eliminate the chill in my bones. I stared at the ceiling, knowing that I wouldn't sleep tonight.
Just one last night alone with myself. I can do this.
The hours ticked by meaninglessly. 3,4,5,6 AM. I didn't even try to go back to sleep because waking up from another nightmare wasn't worth it. By the time it was 7 o'clock, Alice was already knocking on the door.
—————
Looking at my reflection in Alice's giant vanity mirror was simply disturbing; my bloodshot eyes were 'inexcusable,' as Alice said. My exhausted mind played tricks on me, making my brown irises turn red whenever I blinked.
Alice tamed my wild hair and greasy skin with expensive products. She managed to make me look somewhat normal, but it still didn't look like me. I didn't recognize the person in the mirror, but I figured I ought to get used to that.
When I slipped into the dress, I tried to imagine that it was the communion dress I wore when I was little. Nothing crazy, just a white dress, nothing to freak out over. Rosalie pulled the lace tightly, and even though we did the dress fitting only a month ago, I struggled to fill it out.
"Bella, have you not been following the food plan I made for you? That had the amount of food to eat to maintain your weight in order to fit in the dress!" Alice huffed as she rummaged around her dresser, looking for God knows what. I said nothing.
"Look, I just gave it as a guide, not for you to be super strict with it. But come on, you clearly didn't even care! You must have dropped 8 pounds."
"Sorry," I muttered. "I've been anxious."
"You haven't had to lift a finger for any of this, Bella. But it's okay, I can fix it."
She and Rosalie worked on me for a bit longer. They fixed the dress, finished my hair, and added the final touches to my look.
The tension radiating off Rosalie's body was palpable. She mostly stayed quiet but gave me a few encouraging nods. When she spun me to face the mirror, I saw the yearning in her tight smile.
The comparison between Rosalie and I in the mirror was quite comical. I looked like a wet dog next to her, even on my wedding day, completely done up and polished. I know my lack of sleep didn't help, but it didn't matter. I could only hope that when I turn, I could be even a 1/4th of as beautiful as her.
And even with this, she longed to be in my place right now. She longed to be human, as she'd told me once before. And for a split second, I understood why Rosalie felt this way when a scene from my nightmare flashed before my eyes again, and her words purred in my memory:
"After you've been changed, there's one thing you'll want more, one thing you'll kill for. Blood."
I tried to shake it away, but it didn't budge. The only way to get it out was to keep moving forward. Sitting still in silence was my enemy. Thinking was my enemy.
I sprung out of my seat and went to find Charlie. It was time to get this on with.
————
"Not ready yet, kiddo. Give me like 20 minutes. We're still pretty early, doncha think?" Charlie shouted from behind Carlisle's door.
"Alright, I'll be in the bathroom," I said, already trudging towards it with the bottom of my dress in hand.
The pristinely clean bathroom that's never been used was eerily quiet. Beautifully vacant. Another flash of the nightmare sprinted through my head.
"Augh! Stop. Stop!" I immediately threw my hand to cover my mouth, knowing the Cullens definitely heard me. I didn't want Alice to come and ensure I wasn't getting my dress in the toilet. I'd like at least some dignity to be able to use the bathroom by myself.
I ran the water to fill the room's silence, closed my eyes, and thought of Edward waiting outside for me. I'm sure how striking he would look in his tux would make this all worth it. I craved him through all this madness. He is the reason I've gotten through every situation, time and time again. I can get through this one.
Another flashback of his face dripping with blood ran through my mind.
"My GOD!"
I angrily shut the sink off and pushed the door open, hurrying to escape the silence. I managed to take one step until a literal wall prevented me from going any further.
"Talking to the toilet in there, Bells?"
I jumped and nearly fell backward. It only took one of his arms to steady me. I had to look up to see his face. The familiar wide grin he wore didn't quite meet his eyes, which were clearly very tired. I'd never seen bags under his eyes this dark; I would've guessed he hadn't slept for weeks. His hair, long and shaggy, brushed through with his fingers no doubt, had a few leaves strewn within it.
"Jake?!" I threw myself at him, and he picked me up in a clumsy spin hug. "W-what're you doing here?!"
He set me down, ensuring my dress wasn't tangled up.
"Was I not invited? Tellin' me you had nothing to do with those pretentious ass wedding invitations? Man, who would've guessed…"
"No, no. I mean, yes! Yes, you were invited. I- I just didn't expect it. I didn't think you'd exactly want to come."
I saw his eyes twitch. Pain, no doubt. Which I felt immediately writhe through me, paired with my own guilt. Jacob's pain was my pain. It always will be.
"Well, I'm here. Hope you don't mind the, uh, attire. I just threw on whatever I could find at home, and I sorta just ran here. I've not been on two legs in almost a month now; feels kinda weird," he said, shaking his legs with a smirk. He wore a white button-up, dark denim jeans with black combat boots.
"It's fine, Jake; I'm just happy you're here." I went in for another hug, gripping a bit tighter this time. I missed Jacob. Everything seemed to be okay now.
"Ahem." Jake and I twirled around to see Alice standing there with her hands on her hips.
"Who let the dog inside?" She said as she separated us with her small, stone hands. "Stay off him, Bella; you'll get dirt on your dress! Ugh, look, already one of the pins undid. Back to my room, let's go."
"I haven't seen Jake in a month, Alice; give us a minute, please? We have time." I pleaded.
"What are you even doing here?" She asked, ignoring me and turning to him with a glare. "I didn't want anyone to see the bride until she's down the aisle."
Jake threw his hands up in a mocking defense.
"Chill out, porcupine leech; I'm the best man. Pretty sure that doesn't break any wedding rules." He nudged me in the ribs. "Right, Bells?" I nodded.
"Still, I don't want you in here. Is this really how you show up to a wedding? Who knows where you've been. Getting your filthy paws all over her, ugh!"
Jake poked my shoulder. "Ooh, someone scrub her down ASAP. What ever will we do!" He put his hand on his forehead like a damsel in distress. "Give me a break; I'd be more concerned about you getting bloodstains on her. I'm sure you leeches had to hunt this morning to prevent you from killing all the guests." He laughed darkly.
Alice hissed while Jake just crossed his arms, staring down at her. Their height difference was undoubtedly hilarious.
I stepped between them. "Both of you cut it out!" I cupped Alice's shoulders. "Please. I'll be right in; just give us a few minutes. It would mean a lot to me."
"Fine. But make sure you put the dog out, too. The stench gives me a headache." She spun around like a little pixie back to her room.
Jake burst out laughing.
"No way do you deal with that. What a tiny tyrant! Also, I didn't know bloodsuckers could get headaches."
"They can't. She's just dramatic." I whispered as quietly as I could, though I knew she still heard me.
I placed the train of my dress in Jacob's right hand, grabbed his left hand, and pulled him down the stairs, then out the front door. I hesitated, remembering Edward was somewhere outside, so I pulled him down the driveway and into the edge of the forest.
"Are we in earshot?" I whispered to Jake.
He nodded his head no. I exhaled.
"What's up? Getting cold feet?" He snorted.
"No! Is that why you came to talk to me? To try to change my mind?"
He raised an eyebrow. "Uh, pretty sure you're the one who just dragged me out here to talk to me. Are ya losin' it on me now? First chatting it up with the toilet, now this?"
I felt my face heat up and looked down at my bare feet in the dirt. "Oh. Um. Right."
"So? What's up?"
"I just wanted to catch up is all. I was getting real sick of seeing those flyers with your face plastered all around town. You had me-everyone worried like crazy."
"I'm alright. I just needed some time on my own for a while. You knew I'd come back, though. No biggie." He smiled.
"No biggie? I was about to put your face on a milk carton! Well, I hope you found some peace, at least getting away from it all. Where even were you?"
"Hmmm. Dunno. All around Canada, I guess. I sorta stopped looking at the signs after the first few days. But yeah, it felt good to get away for a bit. I now understand why some shifters have chosen to exist in their wolf form for the rest of their lives."
The thought of Jacob staying in his wolf form, running away with no way to contact him, felt like a knife in my heart. I suppose that's how he feels all the time. I have no right to be hurt over it, though, if he did decide to live the rest of his days like that. At least he'd find some sort of peace after what I've done to him.
"W-wow. Do you think you'd do that? Live as a wolf and forget your human form?" I bit my tongue. Why on earth did I ask that?
He ran his hand through his hair and pulled some leaves out.
"I mean, sure. Why not?"
Silence.
"So, you came today. But why?" I leaned back on a tree behind me, bracing myself for his answer. But as I crossed my foot over the other, I lost my balance and toppled over.
We both laughed as he lifted me up by my elbows.
"Honey, I'm not here to make things harder for you. But I did want to see you one last time as… you. This is how I'm going to remember you. Pink cheeks, two left feet. Heartbeat." His smile was firm, but his eyes were sad.
I stepped on his foot as hard as I possibly could.
"That's my girl."
I leaned forward and laid my head on his chest, fighting back the tears. I felt calm for the first time since I last saw Edward. Jake always made the unpleasant thoughts and the nightmares diminish. He was like a human Xanax.
He gripped my shoulders and pulled me back to look at me.
"You look beautiful, Bells, really."
His sincere dark brown eyes were smoldering. I knew he meant it. I know his face too well to sense any lies.
"Thanks." I awkwardly looked down at my feet again and felt guilty for embracing him. It'll cost us both too much. I tightly crossed my arms to my chest and stepped back.
"So when's this thing supposed to start? We can talk some more after if you have to finish getting ready or whatever."
"N-no I'm ready. I-"It dawned on me that I was just seeking some reassurance from Jacob. But in what world would Jake, the person who was the MOST against my choice, reassure me?
Really, I just wanted his presence one last time. And god, I hate myself for that. How selfish can one human be?
"Uh, yeah, let's just talk after it's over. Alice is going to kill me for getting dirt all over my feet."
He put his finger under my chin and stroked my cheek with his thumb. He was obviously trying to feel the warmth in my cheek, something he treasured so much.
"I know you better than that. Something's bothering you. Can't hide shit from me, missy."
The concern on his face scared me. It meant he saw something in mine. I must not be hiding it too well, but then again, Jake always saw through me.
"Nothing, really, I'm just anxious. Everyone is anxious at weddings!" I threw my hands up and broke away from him. He grabbed my arm and pulled me back to him.
"Bella." He paused to listen for anyone around us. "Don't forget who you are." I could see tears welling up in his eyes now. "Listen to your gut. Don't listen to anyone else right now. Just… don't forget, okay? Don't forget who Bella Swan is."
I saw Charlie in his tux step outside the front door, scanning the trees for me.
"I have to go. Find the seat with your name on it." I broke away from Jacob and briskly walked back towards the house's front door.
I wish I could take Jake's advice. But that would insinuate that I fully know who Bella Swan was to begin with.