It was time to go home, and some weird things happened. Hachiman noticed the sight of a familiar girl yet couldn't really put his finger. She was unsettlingly alien.
"Hayami?"
"Uh oh, I've been found out." She grimaced. "And I thought no one would notice."
Most people did, in fact, fail to notice her disguise. Perhaps because Idols tend to develop a strong sense of individuality and signature appearance, weird things happen when they physically alter something drastically.
Like how Mika and her tanned Gal appearance threw Hachiman off for a second, Kanade donned shoulder-length black hair, glasses, and contact lens. Her not wearing lipstick was a subtle touch.
"Even I was confused." Hachiman shook his head.
"Then it should be effective, no?" Kanade looked aside and waved at her friends.
"Hmm, suspicious, very suspicious." Shiki squeezed her eyes and sniffed as she inspected her. "...Kanade-chan?"
"Bingo, but you only notice that from my smell. Don't you?"
"Indeed I am. What gives?"
"Kanade said she wanted to visit a few old places. But she doesn't want to get recognized." Mika shrugged. "Be careful."
"Worry not. If my close friends could hardly tell, everyone else would be oblivious. I'm not even the most popular member, to begin with."
Unexpectedly, and much to Hachiman's dismay, his creepy Senpai Ichinose Shiki is actually the most popular one of the group. Sure, she's beautiful and charming on stage. But she was also incredibly unkempt and disorderly compared to other Idols who keep themselves tidy even at the dorm.
Not to mention, she doesn't respect personal space. Period.
"Hmm hmm, feeling nostalgic, aren't you? To be safe, shouldn't you bring this hunk instead?" Shiki shamelessly yanked Hachiman by his arm. "Don't you think so, Production Assistant?"
Hachiman pushed her aside without hesitating.
"Hikigaya-kun will have to clock in at 04:30. I don't want to impose on him..." Kanade said in response. "Not that I plan to go out for long, though."
"All the more reason he should go!" Mika argued. "Hora, better than spending fares on a taxi."
"For the record, I'm not a personal chauffeur." Hachiman protested. To begin with, they can just ride on the damn company bus. Though granted, it takes 10-15 minutes on a bike, but a little longer with a car, especially in a traffic jam. "How about you two?"
"We got picked for an advertising job. The ride will come shortly." Shiki raised a V-sign.
"Well, as he said, we can't really use him as a ride of convenience." Kanade chastised them. "I'll be fine."
It was weird when Kanade tried to be considerate, though Hachiman knew she was being honest. And it doesn't look like Kanade wants to be alone since she tends to be irritable and cold.
Hachiman had never been on the receiving end, but Mika and his father were. Kanade might be good at hiding her mood, but she was still human. And he's both smitten and terrified of her for that reason.
Hayami Kanade was a walking enigma.
"I'll give you a ride if you still feel like it." He offered the spare helmet, much to Kanade's surprise and Mika's delight. "I'll even be around if it wasn't too long."
"Ah." Kanade didn't know what to say except for one thing. "Thank you, Hikigaya-kun."
Even when he was being kind, he was always cold and on guard. Kanade learned to understand this in the three weeks she got to know him, and she also learned that Hachiman never hides anything, yet there's so much about him that isn't known.
Because there was a wall of darkness surrounding his heart.
In light of the double date event that Mika shared with everyone in the group, they all learn that Hachiman is the type that's very conscious about his social and physical distance from others.
But especially girls.
Hearing that, she can only laugh.
"Why are you sitting so far? Get closer." Hachiman tells her.
"Hmm, is that fine?" Kanade teased him. "I thought you prefer Mika-chan to keep her distance?"
"You're not usually wearing a jacket, unlike Jougasaki. So hold on tight and hide behind me!" Hachiman shouted. "Can't have top idol get sick from cold wind."
Ah.
Through the thickness of his jacket, Kanade couldn't feel Hachiman's warmth or heartbeat. However, she could tell that Hachiman was incredibly nervous with how he clenched the grip on the left side of the handlebar.
That way, Hachiman could focus on controlling the throttle on the right side to keep the bike stable.
Even this second, Hachiman still pays attention to the girls and their circumstances, often at his own discomfort. No wonder Mika feels comfortable around him, despite her personal awkwardness.
Hikigaya Hachiman couldn't be said to be nice or friendly. He's perpetually critical, sour, and sometimes ruthless. Even so...
青春 の輝かしいステージ ひどく明るい感じ
The Shining Stage of Youth feels awfully bright
(Oregairu/Idolmaster - Cinderella Girls)
Original Story by: Watari Wataru/Bandai-Namco
Written by: ZeroXSEED
Chapter 9 - Her reflection under the sunset
It didn't take long to arrive at the destination, a Beach in the Tokyo Bay area. Hachiman wasn't too concerned about being late.
Such a simple beach. It's not even an exceptionally famous place for tourism. However, Hachiman isn't going to judge how much value it holds for Kanade.
Or maybe she's tricking him into some fake date for amusement. Hachiman knows that risk all too well.
"This bridge..." Kanade muttered as she leaned on the railings. "It was where I met your father for the first time."
Ah.
So it was.
"I was heartbroken... well, I'm not entirely sure if that's the right word. But you see... I don't think my feeling was that strong... yet I was hurt."
Hachiman feels both his tension and expectation deflate at the same time. "What, you broke up with a boyfriend or something?"
"Close, but no cigar, I guess." Kanade points out. "I was sad, angry, and at the same time lonely. When Chief Hikigaya called me, I thought it was some young Salaryman trying to hit me or asking for compensated dating, so I lashed out at him."
"...Young?" Hachiman twitched.
Kanade pouts. "...Why is that part you're focusing on, Hikigaya-kun?"
Well, even though he was young-looking for a forty-year-old man, he was not young.
"And then?"
"So, I asked him what his goals are. He introduced himself as the Producer of 346 PRO and asked me if I was interested in being an Idol. I didn't believe him, thinking maybe he was recruiting an Adult Video actress or something like that."
Hachiman burst into laughter.
Okay, that's actually hilarious. Hachiman wouldn't blame Kanade for that. Because his father could look seedy as hell.
However, Hachiman's amusement didn't last long. Not when Kanade's face mellowed.
"The me at that time... I kept hearing people saying that they were serious, but in the end, they were not, and I was always the one who got hurt. I thought I was used to those lies by that point. Yet I still feel sad and tired."
Hayami...
Could it be that, just like Hachiman, she almost lost her faith in people? Hachiman could imagine it, Kanade surrounded by charming and enthusiastic boys, singing praises for her, but none of them were willing to have serious commitment.
For them, Kanade was nothing but a pretty doll to look at. Just imagining that made Hachiman feel ill.
"I thought it was ridiculous, so I tested him and asked him to kiss me if he was serious."
Hachiman gagged hard, and after recovering from that severe mood whiplash, his disgusted face couldn't be hidden.
"In my defense, I didn't know he was married with two kids. And I did plan to back away if he tried it for real." Kanade coughed lightly. For some reason, Hachiman felt this was the first time he ever saw her flustered.
Was that why Kanade persistently bugged Hachiman out for kisses and something equally stupid? Because it was the only way she knew to test someone's resolve?
"But Chief Hikigaya? He was persistent but unwilling to budge on my request. I was weirded out by his stubbornness, but he said he was only doing his job. And he had faith that I could make it big in the industry. I could say I was impressed by his confidence and determination at the time, and that's why I came to 346."
Well, it turned out well. In the end, Kanade made it big after she joined and debuted. She might not be the most popular Idol of 346 PRO... but she was still among the best.
"But even so, I feel sad I had to come to this place again." Kanade grasped her wig to ensure the strong ocean wind didn't mess it up too much.
"Why is that?"
"I consider looking at the past as something pointless. Looking back has no real purpose. Things that were lost can never be taken back. That's why I didn't like getting my photos taken."
That was surprising.
Hachiman could see why she would think that way. Well, that and Hachiman don't have many good memories about his past, to begin with. It makes sense for him not to put any values in them.
But most people are different. They looked back to the past because there was something to look back on, the memories that served as a strength to cope with their current problem.
Was Kanade's past just like his, too? So that she prefers to throw it all away?
"But putting it like that, doesn't that mean my mind and heart have an empty hole where nothing will ever stay permanently? The present me has no real value compared to the future me?" Kanade's eyes were slightly damp, and Hachiman wasn't sure if the sand got into her eye or something else. "Only those who have nothing can be anything."
"No. The fact that you keep coming back here proves that something can stay. It's just that nothing in the past before meeting Chief worth remembering to you." Hachiman shakes his head. "This place proves that even you have things to look back to."
Kanade widened her eyes strangely. Yet, as her shock subsided, she began to smile again.
"What about you?"
"I ran away. If possible, I wanted to forget and bury my past altogether." Hachiman answered her. "But, I think there IS a value of looking to the past occasionally."
Kanade chuckled. "You didn't strike me as someone that would be nostalgic, Hikigaya-kun."
Hachiman looks at his gloved hand and clenches it.
"You're right. I am not. What I lost, I could never get it back. And sometimes, remembering things I could do but didn't often give birth to unsolvable regrets. But..."
Hachiman did not regret even an ounce that he left Chiba to come here. It doesn't change the fact that there were a lot of opportunities in Chiba that the old, cowardly Hachiman was unwilling to seize.
If Hachiman didn't make his return to Chiba personally, then he would not befriend Zaimokuza, and Yuigahama Yui's debt will not resolve itself. Hachiman also won't have the courage to support Anya. He wouldn't be able to give Saika a chance.
"There might be things you have missed the first time, and only the current you can notice."
Kanade mumbled and repeated his words. "Only the current me can notice it..."
"That's right." Hachiman nodded. "As long as you keep moving forward, it's fine to look behind and pick up the pieces you didn't see as important before."
That way, Hayami Kanade won't have an empty hole in her heart anymore.
As for Hachiman, he couldn't deny and ignore his past. Even though he ran away, he would return and find the missing pieces.
"...You know, I think you and Chief Producer are similar on the surface. That was why I teased you even though I don't know your relationship. You were both shy and easily flustered, especially when the girls aggressively sought your attention."
"...But you're different, after all. Chief Producer won't get angry no matter how much we tease him. He didn't let things get to his nerve and always kept a laid-back yet professional nature. But you're different. You take things personally even when you're on the job and incredibly serious about the smallest thing."
"Sorry to disappoint you, but I'm not your beloved Producer." Hachiman jibed. "I'm actually a lazy bum when I didn't want to do anything, too."
"But once you want to do something, you will commit to the end even when it hurts you. Besides... because you're always serious and focused is why I..."
Kanade stopped for a few seconds, which made Hachiman wonder what she was thinking.
"Anyway, if I made you uncomfortable in the past, I apologize."
Kanade's apology wasn't extravagant, yet, it came with sincerity. And for Hachiman, those little things are far more precious than elaborate yet ultimately fake concessions.
What Hachiman really wanted... a genuine apology.
"It's fine." He told her. "At least you're not Ichinose-Senpai."
"Fufufu, you're right." Kanade laughed slightly. Then she walked closer to him. "It might be hard to take, but I did all of them wanting to know you better, Hikigaya-kun. Because to me, you're like a deep chasm of mystery."
Hachiman smiled sightly.
"We're not that different, Hayami..." Hachiman told her with an unusually soft expression. "You decided to enter this dazzling world because you're sick of normalcy, right?"
Hiding the truth, bullying, and overall ignorance for the sake of social harmony. Those who thrive enjoy life, but the victim that got blamed for their inability to get over it.
Kanade, who was lied to, got betrayed multiple times, had that similar air that Hachiman is familiar with.
"Normalcy... I guess if you can call it that. I tried to put my effort, going with the flow, yet... I'm not enjoying it in the slightest. Sometimes, I even got hurt." Kanade smiled in acknowledgment. "If you're supposed to fool around during High School, then what does that make me?"
As Kanade said this, her eyes showed a visible degree of tiredness. Hachiman felt like seeing himself in a mirror. Someone who could not fit in with society even when they tried.
"Were you like that, Hikigaya-kun? Do you feel estranged from the rest of the 'normal' kids?"
"Not out of choice, perhaps." Hachiman shakes his head. "I wasn't always outspoken like today. When I was little, I was that quiet, harmless guy that most people ignore and sometimes bully."
"I'm the deviant and acceptable target, and that's their definition of normalcy. I hoped things could change in High School... but before I realized it, I was alone again for a good part of a year."
"When our parents started to talk about Komachi's debut, Komachi didn't want to go without me. I thought she was taking pity on me. But in reality, we're just that co-dependent on each other. At least to them, I don't really lack in potential."
"So, this is why you said you got hired as a Bundle..." Kanade nodded. Hachiman was telling the truth, after all.
"Yes. I'm doing this for Komachi, but also, I'm doing this for my own sake." Hachiman scoffed. "Color me surprised, though. People who live in a world built on lies and otaku fantasy are far more honest than the 'normal' people I met before."
"Perhaps because our entire public persona was nothing but manufactured image, that's why we can be more honest out of it." Kanade nodded in agreement. "No, I think because of that reason. We can only be honest with each other."
"Otherwise, if we lie to each other too, we will fall apart and lose ourselves."
Hachiman admitted that he was skeptical at first. He thought that going to the world of celebrities, he would be sickened by it. And yet, the Idols that Hachiman knows have always been honest, and it began to affect Hachiman's own point of view.
If they lie to each other, they will fall apart. Hachiman perfectly understands, and somehow, he wasn't disgusted by it.
Perhaps part of the reason was that Hachiman could easily justify things as "they're just doing their job" instead of putting everything in a generalized basket of "keeping the social harmony."
The latter pretends all the sacrifices and suffering were for a noble goal. The former reasoning is far more selfish and based.
The first reason was far more honest than the second. Because ultimately, Hachiman isn't that much of a sophist to think he could change the world. Moreso, the people in it.
The reason why Kanade never had fun was that she was tired of society's lies. But because everyone is honest to a fault, 346 PRO became her pocket heaven of solace.
"I guess we really are similar, huh?" Kanade stretched her arms aside. "I'm surprised, yet I feel relieved."
"I'm just a loser running away from my dark past, though." Hachiman chuckled. "I'm nowhere as noble and graceful as you."
"No, I think you're charming in your own way, Hikigaya-kun." Kanade got closer slightly and put her palm on his cheek. "Otherwise, I wouldn't be here with you, would I?"
Hachiman could feel his heart race but kept a poker face despite that.
"Don't say such sweet nothings to my face. I might take it seriously, you know?" Hachiman joked and gently pushed her hand aside.
"I don't mind if you start taking on me seriously, though!" Kanade sent him an air kiss as she walked back, which he dodged casually.
Kanade underestimated how easy for Hachiman to fall in love in the past, which he is fully aware of, making it harder for him to take cheap flirting seriously now.
Still, there will be no more critical misunderstandings now that they're on the same wavelength. Perhaps with time, they can understand each other better.
"Shall we go back?"
"Sure."
...
When Hachiman went for the usual trainee inspections, he was surprised by how intense the atmosphere was in the lesson room. The three literal chuunis were ragged to hell and back.
"Too intense," Asuka whined.
"Indeed, it's unforgiving, and Komachi-chan train like this almost daily?" Ranko tried to hide it, but it was clear that she was also on her limit.
"For three months?!" Mirei also gawked between panting.
"Korean idols train like this for years." A familiar voice said in a soft yet merciless tone. "Do you want the job or not?"
"Of course we want it!" Mirei shouted.
Hachiman looked at the source and found the presence of an incredibly sexy woman who may be somewhere in her 30s, probably a new trainer or something.
No, wait, what?
"Mother?"
"Oh, you're here, Hachiman." His mother waved at him.
Hachiman almost didn't recognize her. His mother was pretty, no, she's cute, even. Usually, she would look like a grown-up Komachi and not... well, this. Was his mother always this beautiful and, uh, sexy? Nope, not at all. Hachiman legitimately feels a sense of discomfort now. Forget going all out. She usually didn't wear much makeup.
"So... did you check an expensive saloon or something?" Hachiman bluntly asked anyway.
"Nah, you'd be surprised how much difference three hours of free time can make."
His mother refers to the transit time they spent going to and from work every day! Three to four hours with a change, that was how much they spent on the road.
Since his mother resides in Tokyo now, naturally, even accounting for the traffic, there would be a lot of time to spare for her to say, take a rest, go to the gym, or visit a spa.
Hachiman always thought his mother prematurely aged. Yet still young for a 40-year-old woman. But here?
When Chief Producer entered the training room, Hachiman could tell the giant cloud of chillness coming from the crowd of older Idols nearby.
Oh, so it was like that.
"Ah, you're here, Sachie-san." He bashfully greeted her. "You look beautiful today. So how is your impression of our youngest trainees?"
"Unpolished, but they can go far." His wife winked as she fixed his uneven necktie. "Make sure you stay hydrated, Dear. We can't have you collapse on me."
Mother came here to stomp all the pests and crush whatever is left of their confidence by showing that this woman with two kids isn't losing to them in terms of physical appeal. Hell, Director Mishiro was probably on board with that decision as well. She disliked it when the Idols started getting distracted around Chief, or so Hachiman heard.
...God forbid! They probably have a lot of sex too! Due to the physical and mental exhaustion, plus the aborted divorce, their marriage had been cold for at least four years.
Now that they have a lot of free time, with their kids nowhere in sight, Hachiman doesn't want to think about what is happening in his parent's rental house.
"...I need a vomit bag." Hachiman retched. "Stop being so intimate in public, damn it."
"Hmm, hmm! Komachi is super happy with this, though!" Komachi laughed. Hachiman couldn't tell if she was too naive or too sly. Maybe even both.
Part of the reason why Hachiman and Komachi wanted to live in the dorm was to make their parents get closer. Hachiman had to say it was too good and might be a hazard to his mental health.
"Will they be ready for the assigned job?" Chief Producer asked bluntly.
"That entirely depends on their willpower. Frankly, speaking? I'm uncomfortable with pushing their limit this hard. But they needed it."
Compared to her three friends, Komachi seemed to barely sweat. "Komachi used to be incredibly frail, you know?"
"I don't believe it." Asuka indignantly huffed. "Your stamina is monstrous."
"Well, at least in terms of training and comprehension, Komachi-chan is far beyond us plebeians." Ranko nodded.
Mirei grinned. "All the more reason we need to catch up, right?"
Looks like they were fired up. Was this the reason why Father wanted Komachi to debut this year? To be a rival and motivator for people around her age?
Anyway, they were talking about Pre-debut Job. A Pre-debut Job means the Idols haven't officially been introduced to the public but will do assigned tasks, usually supporting other Idols that have debuted.
Works like public promotion, filler cast of characters, backup dancers, the opening act, etc. Not only did pre-debut works bring some income, but it prepared them to take a bigger stage and exposure after their official debut.
Thus, like the others, Komachi would begin taking Pre-debut works starting next week.
"Komachi might be losing in the natural beauty department, so I'm not letting you take my seat as the queen of trainees. Ha-ha-ha!"
Komachi is bad at faking evil. She can only be really evil when she genuinely smiles instead.
"Since I'll have to do some lecturing elsewhere today, please give these notes to Ms. Trainer." Sachie passed a notebook to her husband. "This is my analysis and planning program for these kids for the rest of the week. It's practically a crunch, so make sure they get enough rest and are not too stressed."
So fast! And to think she only met them today... Mother is way too scary.