Please Read:
Hey there! Little heads up before reading this. I'm a fan of the light novels and I've always enjoyed seeing Kazuma's mischievous side. I read some fanfics and I didn't see too many people do him justice, so I decided to try it myself. This is my first ever writing project so please keep that in mind while reading. I tried to make the characters as accurate as I can. LN Spoilers Obviously(Vol 17). I'm going to rate it mature to be safe. One final thing, I won't dwell too much on the giant plot elements of Konosuba; The promise, Iris' Ring, and etc. Have fun reading!
AN: So uh, I copy-pasted this from google docs and it unitalicized everything I did. So, some words might not be italicized when they were originally, keep that in mind.
"Kazamu Satou please report to the Guild Hall at once. I repeat, Kazuma Satou please report to the Guild at once." Luna's voice echoed through the speaker system that were placed around Axel. It was only used in case of emergencies like when the Destroyer showed up.
What kind of emergency could be happening for me specifically to be called? Especially after the fall of the Demon King.
The gears in my head started spinning to try and make a guess of what could've possibly happened.
Maybe it could be a reward for all I did for this town! Definitely not money since I'm rich beyond my wildest dreams. It can only mean one other thing.
That.
All those succubus dreams are gonna pay off! Too bad I have to turn Luna down since I'm already with Megumin and I definitely do not want to eat an explosion to the face.
I grabbed my adventuring gear which consisted of my mithril rope and bow just in case I needed them. What I've learned from my time here is that you can never be too safe, no matter what.
I left the comfort of the couch and started my trek towards the Guild.
At the Guild Hall
Once I entered I found Luna at her usual booth and she greeted me with a smile.
"Hello there Kazuma, please come to my office so we can discuss an important matter." She greeted and led me to the back of the Guild, and into a secluded room with a desk and multiple cabinets filled with papers.
Huh..? Is this actually going to happen? I didn't actually think this was gonna happen. Guess I'll have to turn Luna, out of all people, down. I may be scummy but I'm not scummy enough to cheat on Megumin. I definitely do not want to tank an explosion. I involuntarily shivered at the thought.
She led me towards the desk covered with papers. We sat down on opposite sides and she took a deep breath and started talking.
"You see Kazuma, the reason I called you here is because we have an issue regarding your party."
"…"
"Sorry Luna but I gotta go take care of something super important real quick. You can just have this talk with me later." I attempted a quick getaway from this unfortunate situation.
I'm not sticking around to hear what she's gonna say. The others can clear up their own messes for once.
I got up and started walking towards the door.
"No wait!"
"Sorry Luna, this is way too important for me to put off any longer. You can ask Darkness to help you instead."
Pushing the workload on Darkness was the method of escape I used. She's the most responsible despite her own 'tendencies'. If she messes up, she can clear up her own mistake without issue.
Alas, Luna was too persistent and after a few seconds of her clinging to my arm in desperation I eventually sat back down.
At least I got a good view.
"You see, Kazuma, the problem is concerning two of your party members." I frowned near instantly.
Living with those three numbskulls allowed me to get a grasp on their tendencies to make a mess. Eventually with enough time, I managed to make a little percentage rate on which idiot caused the problem. Aqua having the highest percentage of them all, at a high 60%. Megumin being half that at a decent 30%. The remaining 10% belonging to Darkness. She can control herself pretty well compared to the other two. I'm willing to bet that Luna is taking about Aqua and Megumin.
"I'm talking about Megumin and Aqua"
Called it.
"What did they do this time? Did Megumin blow something up or did she pick a fight with a noble? As for Aqua…" I sighed. "How much is the bill?."
"There's no bill cough this time cough for any of them." Luna coughed a lot. Is she sick?
Oh thank Eris!
"If there's no bill then what's the problem? Is it something serious?" I asked, a hint of anger being present in my voice.
"Sorta? We just need you to get Megumin to stop casting explosions and tell Aqua to stop purchasing any alcohol, that's all." She smiled.
"Well I can just get Megumin to cast an explosion further away if it's an issue and can't you guys just refuse to sell Aqua any alcohol?"
"I'm afraid you're going to have to stop Megumin from casting explosions entirely, no matter the distance. And as for Aqua, we did refuse to sell her alcohol but she just bought more elsewhere."
Just how can a Goddess be that much of an alcoholic?!
Luna let out a tired sigh as she finished explaining, she seems tired of cleaning up our messes.
I feel you sister. I should really get her something for all the work she's done.
Wait a second.
"Is there any reason why I need to stop them? Or are they just being a nuisance?"
The girls, especially those two are no strangers to being infamous in Axel. Megumin with her explosions and explosive temper and Aqua for… well being Aqua.
Luna paused, taking a moment to gather her thoughts. A couple of seconds later she explained;
"Well you see, constant explosions affect the ecosystem in a very negative way, with the smoke, heat wave, loss of wildlife, and overall destruction. Actually wait I have something to show you, excuse me for a sec-"
Luna stood up and went to rummage through some of her filing cabinets.
I took this time to look around her 'office' which is really a glorified storage closet. There were cabinets all over the place. Clearly outdated paperwork littering the floor and desks. Something else caught my attention though.
In a corner of the room there was a desk with 4 stacks of paper, each varying in size, two of which being taller than Luna herself, while the last two are the size of something like Chomuske. On the wall above the desk there was a sign:
Kazuma Satou's Party
"…"
I'm so sorry…
Luna then walked over to my designated party desk, took a nearby stool and used it to rummage through one of the larger stacks of paper.
"Ah, Found it! Here, take a look." She placed a map labeled 'Belzerg' on the desk, knocking any papers that were already there onto the ground in the process.
There were circles all over the map in colors of green, yellow and red. The majority of the map was covered in green circles while there were yellow circles near Axel. Most notably these yellow circles were on lakes, fields, and hillsides on the outskirts of Axel, all places where I took Megumin out on our explosion walk.
There were only two red circles on the map. One was to the north of Axel on a small white drawing of a castle. Undoubtedly the same castle Megumin barraged for a month daily. The last red circle was on the very corner of the map labeled: Demon King Territory.
There was a drawing of a red castle with multiple skulls surrounding it. The Demon King's castle was the last location where Megumin's explosion affected the most. One hundred plus explosions in a span of ten minutes nonstop definitely ruined the environment over there.
"As you can see the circles represent where Megumin's explosion had affected the ecosystem, green being the least affected and red being the most."
"Go on."
"We need you to keep Megumin from casting explosions until the effects from her previous explosions wear off, as the smoke released by each explosion get carried by wind currents and spread further out. So please wait until the environment can begin to repair itself. This could take anywhere from a few weeks to a month."
Huh I guess the ecosystem has adapted to the environment being destroyed so often that in turn it adapted to recovering quickly for survival. This world can be pretty amazing if it wasn't so horrifying too. If the environment can adapt this well, then I'm scared of how monsters can too.
"So please keep her from doing it. Not just for my sake but for Belzerg." She pleaded with an apologetic voice.
Man, even Luna feels bad for dumping this on me. Wait a second…
"If this is so serious then why hasn't the Capital reached out to me? This seems like a pretty big issue for Belzerg, not just Axel. It would make sense if the Royal Capital had given me these instructions, not the local Guild. No offense Luna."
"Oh! None taken." Her eyebrow twitched. "It's just that the Royal Capital is in a bit of a crisis at the moment. After the defeat of the Demon King by your hands, waves of immigrants have been coming to the Capital, primarily from other nations such as Elroad. They're currently trying to figure out a way to account for such a large influx of immigrants at the same time. So they're very busy, instead of reaching out towards you, they reached out to the Guild instead since they have their hands filled and couldn't afford to do it themselves without wasting valuable resources."
The Capital has been the primary target of attack from the Demon King's forces so many people choose to avoid it entirely, fearing that the attacks will eventually break through. Now that the Demon King is no more, people have started moving there, not needing to fear for their lives anymore and can instead take advantage of the marketplace.
"And as for Aqua, long story short, she's purchased too much alcohol in such a small amount of time that Axel is currently going through an 'Alcohol Drought'. So please keep her from buying any alcohol for about a month as well."
"Is that all?"
"It should be for now." She forced a smile while one of her brows twitched.
Yikes.
"Alright I'll try and keep them under control for the next month. I'll be seeing you Luna." I got up and started walking towards the door. Once outside I heard a faint sigh of relief from Luna.
Maybe she'll enjoy a gift basket of cookies?
Now to deal with those two. Aqua should be simple enough since I'll just have to keep an eye on her and if she doesn't behave I'll take her allowance away.
Great now I sound like a total parent making sure his daughter doesn't get her hands on alcohol.
As for Megumin… I gulped.
She's definitely gonna be an issue. She'll rather die than not cast explosion for a month. Hell, Megumin will blow me up when I tell her this. I'm gonna have to use Drain Touch to make sure she doesn't sneak off and cast it.
"Huh!? Why!?!?" A distressed Aqua cried in anguish.
I was so lost in my thoughts that I didn't even notice that I was already back into the dining hall of the Guild. I spotted Megumin and Darkness sitting at our usual table, watching the scene Aqua was causing. Aqua herself was arguing with a barmaid. Aqua then noticed me, ran towards me and latched onto me and started crying and wiping her nose all over my shirt.
"Oi! Don't use my shirt to wipe your face! Get off damnit!"
She then looked up at me, tears still pouring out of her eyes like a waterfall.
"Kashumaaa!!! The waitress over there sniff says that sniff I'm not allowed to get any alcohol! Can't you sniff talk to them!? You're the hero who defeated the sniff Demon King! They have to listen to you! Pleaaase?" She begged.
I can't tell her anything about her being banned from buying alcohol just yet. I need to butter those two up first before I start explaining the situation.
I started patting Aqua's head to try and console her. "There there Aqua, I can't tell them to serve you alcohol but I know something that's way better than Alcohol!" I grinned.
Recently I've been feeling a bit homesick so to help me get over it I tried making some snacks from Japan. This included soda and potato chips. I only have two flavors of each as of now. I haven't shown them off to anyone besides Vanir for business purposes. If I recall correctly, Aqua snacked on these herself while she was in heaven so maybe that'll buy me some time so I can think of a more secure way to keep her away from alcohol.
"sniff You do? There's nothing better than sniff alcohol. Alcohol can go with everything and I don't know anything else like that in this world." The alcoholic said.
"I'll let you in on a little secret Aqua." I made the typical shushing gesture. "I made soda and chips like from Japan and you'll be the first person to get your hands on it. You'll be able to snack the same way you snacked on these in heaven."
"Chips are great and all but I still I want alcohol. And I don't like soda."
Shit.
What now?! There goes any hope of her dropping alcohol.
"Let's just go sit down with the others, I'm hungry."
Aqua started yanking on my sleeve. "Huh?! But I want some alcohol and you're the only one that can get it for me! They keep refusing to give me any! Me! A Goddess! Even after everything I've done for this town! Can you believe it, Kazuma!?"
"Just go sit down already! I'll buy you some of the expensive wine later!" I lied.
"Okie, you're the best Kazuma!" Aqua then started giggling and skipping her way to the table and sat down beside Darkness.
I followed her and sat down beside Megumin.
"Hello Kazuma, what did the Guild call you for? You were in there for a pretty long time. Was it something dangerous?! Perhaps you'll have to fight a beast that won't hesitate to pummel you in a matter of seconds! Perhaps you're thinking of using me as bait while you watch me get ravaged into submission! Oh! I can already feel your lustful eyes licking me like I'm candy!" This Pervatina started panting and fantasizing about how she'll get ravaged with a flushed face.
The adventurers around us now focusing their attention on me.
"Oi cut it out Darkness! People are giving me funny looks!"
She quickly shook her head to snap herself back to reality. "Ahem, sorry about that Kazuma. I've just been stressed lately so I haven't had any real personal time."
"So what did you get called for Kazuma? Is it a quest or is it something else?" Megumin asked.
"I'll tell you guys later, right now I'm hungry and you guys probably are too so order anything you want! It's my treat!"
Free food always tastes good, this'll also lower the chances of getting instantly exploded.
"I don't know why you're being so nice but I don't care! Hey over here!" Aqua questioned.
This prompted Darkness to ask. "Aqua does make a good point, Kazuma, is there any reason you're buying us dinner? You usually have me do it."
Why are they all so perceptive when it comes to screwing me over!? I frowned
Megumin noticed me frowning. "I bet Kazuma is trying to butter us up for something or maybe he's finally matured after everything that's happened." Megumin said in a teasing voice.
"I actually matured a lot, I've especially grown a lot in my body unlike a certain Crimson Mage." I replied in a similar manner.
"Ah- you must be talking about my lowly rival Yunyun. There's no other Crimson Demon who hasn't grown to my knowledge." She lied right through her teeth
"Cut the crap! I'm talking about you! You haven't grown an inch! Yunyun has grown a couple of inches herself. Hell, I think she's actually gonna surpass my height soon. I haven't seen any sort of growth coming from you." I retorted
It was now Megumin's turn to frown before that frown morphed into a snarky expression. "My body might've not grown as much as I'd like it to but something that has grown a lot is the power of my explosion. Would you like to see it up close and personal Kazuma?"
Aqua looked at us then to the side and immediately started salivating. "Hey! Stop having a lovers quarrel and start eating, the food got here and I'm hungry!"
Megumin blushed faintly at this comment but ignored it. I also felt my face heat up a little.
Sometimes I can't tell if Aqua is as perceptive as a devil or just plain stupid.
Oh well, I'm hungry bet-holy crap how much food did she order?!
Before me was enough food to feed the entire Guild. Twice. This was a meal fit for a King and his entire army. Except the alcohol was missing and was instead replaced by neroid. Megumin started to drool and stuff her face while Darkness was shocked just like me.
"How the hell are we going to eat all this!? Why'd you order so much you gluttonous bitch!?" We're going to need to take some of this to go. Or just give it away. Probably give it away. I am rich after all fufufu~
The culprit herself was stuffing her cheeks full of food without a need for air like a chipmunk. She reminded me more of a bear rushing to eat it's meal so it can hibernate. "Gulp You said it was your treat so I took the liberty of ordering two of everything on the menu. For me and my followers of course! Oh and you guys can eat some if you want too! Consider it a blessing from the gracious me!"
I'm gong to enjoy seeing her sob.
"Blessing my ass! I paid for this food so it should be a blessing from me instead of an alcoholic like you!"
"Hmph! Since I'm feeling generous today I'll decide to ignore that comment so quit complaining and start eating!"
"Whatever."
Darkness giggled at our banter before digging in herself.
10 Minutes Later
All three of the girls were stuffing their cheeks, well except Darkness, she displayed some table manners and stuffed her cheeks elegantly. They were all having a good time so I decided that now was a good time to explain the situation.
I cupped my hands into a prayer.
Hear my prayer o' Goddess of Luck Lady Eris. I am in need of your aid at this very moment, this situation is either life or death for me. I will forever be in your debt if you lend me your strength. Amen.
After I finished praying I felt a little funny, like how I usually feel when Aqua is healing me. It seems like Lady Eris has answered my prayer. As expected of a true Goddess such as Lady Eris!
Suddenly
"Pffff!-" Aqua spat out the neroid she was drinking. Directly into my face.
"OI! What the hell was that for!?"
"Kazuma-san, would you kindly explain why I suddenly sense another Goddess' blessing on you?"
Uh oh.
Aqua pointed at me accusingly. "You prayed to that pad wearing Goddess didn't you! You could've prayed to me but you prayed to her! Why!? Hmph! I'll tell you what she's really like! She's an egotistical Goddess who thinks she's high and mighty just because she has her own currency and a couple more followers than me! Well one time Eris was so drunk she ended up kissing a toilet! Oh! And another time I caught her wearing one of my dresses and posing in front of the mirror! And one last thing! Eris h-" Aqua started yelling at me as if she caught me in the act of cheating on her with another Goddess.
"Gah! Would you quit it already! You're tainting my view of her! Quit slandering my favorite Goddess!" Eris most likely pads her chest but she's still a better Goddess than our resident alcoholic over here. I don't even mind that they're padded, personality prevails in the end!
Aqua quickly stood up, knocking some of the food off the table and started shaking me violently. "Your favorite!? Why you! God Blo- mmph?! mmph!" Thankfully Darkness stopped Aqua from landing her God Blow and forcefully sat her back down.
"Would you settle down Aqua! Let Kazuma explain himself before you attack him. Please proceed, Kazuma. And please stop spreading rumors about Lady Eris, you don't want to receive divine punishment."
Aqua pouted. "As if that pad wearing twerp can inflict divine punishment upon me, her senpai!"
She really likes shit talking Eris.
Darkness flicked Aqua's head to get to shut up.
"Darkness you meanie!" Aqua started massaging the spot where she got flicked and used Heal on it.
Megumin up until this point was just observing our daily scuffle before she asked. "Umm… Kazuma what was it you were going to say?"
Oh yea that.
I grabbed Megumin's hand to pre-emptively use Drain Touch if needed. Megumin flinched a little but didn't refuse but instead tightened her own hold. I looked at her and saw her cheeks were colored with a ruby red blush, I couldn't help but blush myself.
God I'm such a loser.
I started explaining the situation after taking a couple of seconds to collect myself.
One Explanation Later
"I refuse!" Megumin started yelling before pointing a finger at me. "Kazuma! Out of everyone you should know how important Explosion magic is to me! I refuse to stop casting for a month straight! I refuse!"
"And I can't live a week without alcohol! Please Kazuma! You have to talk to them please!" Aqua chimed in with her own thoughts.
I sighed. "Sorry Megumin but you leave no other choice, Drain Tou-" Megumin escaped my grip on her hand and leaped out of the chair. She pointed her staff at me with glowing red eyes.
"Darkness Darker Than Bla-"
"Oh no you don't! Bind!" Megumin couldn't react fast enough and got caught in my bind. She fell over with a loud thud and I made my way over to her. "Drain Touch." I began inching closer to her.
"No Kazuma stop! Don't drain me please! I'll listen to you I swear!!"
"Sorry Megumin but I can't take any risks, especially with you."
It seemed like that was Megumin taken care of but-
"Help! Kazutrash is trying to violate my body and make me unmarriable. Somebody help!-" Megumin yelled at the top of her lungs, attracting everyone's attention towards me.
Me who had his hand outstretched in a creepy manner towards a bound and defenseless Megumin.
"Kazutrash."
"Scumzuma"
"Lolima"
Every adventurer present started glaring at me while calling me names.
I'll remember you all.
Megumin herself showed a smug expression at my inner turmoil.
"Kyaaa!~ As expected as the merciless brute Kazutrash. I wonder what kind of punishment I'm going to receive. Maybe I'll be tied to the back of a wagon! While you go at top speed, making sure that my armor cracks, striping me as much as possible! Or maybe you'll sell me to a noble as his personal maid! Oh you're punishments are so cruel Scumzuma~" Darkness, always an opportunist took this chance to make the situation worse. The glares of the adventurers got more hate filled, some even triggering my enemy detect skill.
"Oi! Stop perving out Lalatina! You're making the situation worse!"
"Gah! I told you not to call me that!"
I'll deal with her later but right now I got a certain smug Crimson Demon that needs to be put in her place.
"I'm gonna drain you dry Megumin! No matter what!"
"Gah!- I'm sorry Kazuma! I apologize so please don't! Stahp!-" I ended up draining her to the point that she lost consciousness.
An unconscious Megumin is a nice Megumin. I don't want her biting me when I'm carrying her on my back.
That's one taken care of. I gotta hurry this up before I get murdered by my fellow adventurers. Now where's the other idi-
"God Blow!!!"
I turned around and was faced with a yellow fist coming straight towards my face. Suddenly my body jerked to the side with blinding speed causing Aqua's God Blow to miss me and instead shatter the window behind me.
Thank you Auto Dodge and thank you Eris!
"Ermm oopsie..?" Aqua played the stupid card.
In return I played the "Create Earth, Wind Breath" card and launched a fistful of sand at her eyes.
Aqua started rubbing them desperately. "My eyes! It burns! Why'd you do that you damn Hiki-NEET!?"
"Dispel, Drain Touch" I used Dispel on to get my rope back from the unconscious Megumin and started draining Aqua to make sure she couldn't use Dispel herself when I got her with Bind.
…shit
I forgot that Aqua basically has an endless pool of mana. Looks like I'll need to improvise.
"Hey Darkness! Get over here and grab Aqua from behind with one arm and use your other arm to cover her mouth!"
"What do you plan to do to us Kazuma?!" She started panting even harder.
Does this fake noble ever stop being in heat?
She still got into position, making Aqua squirm even more.
"Bind!"
I've used Bind to tie both Darkness and Aqua together. Darkness' hand silenced Aqua meaning she can't chant any spells.
I picked up the unconscious Megumin from the ground just in time for Darkness' to start rambling again.
"What kind of play is this Kazuma?! Being tied to your party mate and forced to watch and endure as you punish her! Oh you fiend! You truly earned the name Kazutrash. Oh what are you gonna do to Megumin? I bet her punishment is gonna the worst, after all she almost blew you up! I can already feel your monstrous and lustful gaze licking me all over my body! You truly are becoming a noble!"
"Could you stop projecting your wet dreams on me! Do you want me to make your life a living hell?! Because I can and will!" Ah, I've said too much.
"Ah~ so rude and ruthless."
"Let's just g-" My enemy detection skill went haywire. I turned around and saw death glares from the adventures behind us, mostly from the female adventurers.
"Make sure he doesn't get away! We have to save his poor party members from this sexual predator!" A girl under a hood commanded.
"You may have defeated the Demon King but you're still a threat to every girl in here!" Another girl said.
"Sorry Kazuma, but I can't let you go after what you're planning to do to those lil' ladies." One big male adventurer said.
"Woah- Guys, you got it all wrong! I'm not into whatever Darkness said! Even I'm not even that far gone! I'm not going to do anything to these girls!"
"Don't listen to him!" The hooded girl said. "I saw him steal the Crimson Demon girl's underwear before! He may have defeated the Demon King but he's still a sexual deviant at heart. Quickly surround him!" She urgently commanded.
"Okay!" A group of adventurers obeyed.
A split second later I was quickly surrounded by adventurers I see frequently here. Standing a few feet in front of me was the hooded girl, smirking at me. My party watching me from behind her, with worry in their eyes.
This bitch…
"Kazuma Satou! We won't let you leave this establishment without making you pay for your perverted actions! Adventurers! Capture him!" She commanded.
The adventurers around me got into a fighting stance while some took out their rope and started closing in on me. Their leader, watching me with a smug smile.
Crap! Crap! What do I do!? I can't do anything without getting hit from a blind spot. I need an AOE attack..!
"Flash!" I cried out, clenching my eyes shut.
A bright flash engulfed the entire Guild. A moment later screams of pain filled the room.
"My eyes!".
"They burn!"
I looked at their hooded leader and saw her desperately rubbing her eyes, stumbling around the place.
"Drain Touch." With drain touch active I closed the distance between us and drained her until the point of immobilization.
"Why you- You won't get away with this Satou Kazuma!" She declared.
I made my escape through the blinded adventurers and started chanting.
With the remaining time left until they recover, I took out my eris pouch and made a mad dash towards Luna, who was observing the events unfold in her own corner, a frozen expression being present on her face.
I grabbed her hand and placed a million eris on it. "Here! This should be enough for the food and all the trouble we caused! I'm sorry Luna!"
I resumed chanting and ran back to the now panting Darkness and crying Aqua.
"Darkness give me your hand fast!" She extended her hand and I grabbed it but at the same time I did the blinded adventurers recovered and quickly started closing the distance between me and them.
"There he is! Grab him and make him pay!" The immobilized girl yelled.
"Too slow assholes!" I flipped them all off, enemy detect going haywire once more. "Teleport!" And with that, my grand escape was successful.
I landed in my bedroom.
After taking a few much needed breathers and laying Megumin on my bed I assessed the situation.
Darkness managed to make me the most hated person alive and I most likely won't be able to show my face in town without the fear of being executed.
Just Great.
My problems don't end there, I still need ways to keep Megumin and Aqua under control too.
Drain Touch is a temporary solution but it's far too risky to keep using it with Megumin's unpredictable nature. Knowing her, she'll start avoiding me entirely and use someone like Yunyun to teleport her somewhere so that I won't hear the explosion. Looks like I'll need to pay a visit to Wiz's shop and hope for something helpful.
As for Aqua, she's going to be far more tricky to handle. Maybe cutting off her salary and having a chat with Axel's local merchants will do. But I'll still need to babysit her in the off chance she does get her hands on alcohol.
Fucking Great. I thought all my problems would be over as soon as I killed the Demon King, I was wrong. I haven't accounted for these… dumbasses!
Aqua, who was supposed to be my cheat in this world, turned out to be a bigger pain in the ass than I can imagine. She constantly brings me debt and overall unhappiness. And she's stupid. Very stupid.
Megumin, the one person I thought would give me the least amount of problems, especially with our current relationship, I was wrong. She's an absolute explosion obsessed idiot!
Then there's Darkness, Lalatina Dustiness Ford. A noble of the second biggest family, only being outdone by the Royal Family. You would expect a noble like this to be a proper and modest young lady. Well you're wrong. Our Pervatina here, lets her desires dictate her actions and she likes making the situation worse for everyone, especially me.
These three…idiots! They did it again, they made my life miserable once more!
"Erm- Kazuma are you okay? You've been staring at the ground for a while now." Darkness who had been silently watching me contemplate everything that happened for the past three minutes asked in concern.
"Huh, yeah I'm fine, I was just thinking what to with these two." I pointed at the unconscious Megumin and the still squirming Aqua.
"Hey Darkness, can you go to the living room and take Megumin with you, I need to do some shopping." I said trying very hard to mask my anger but ultimately failing.
"Umm sure thing Kazuma…" I gave her Megumin and told her to watch over both Megumin and Aqua until I get back.
Once she left the room I went over to my closet, grabbed a black cloak and replaced my green mantle with it. I put the cloak's hood on and started chanting Teleport.
First thing on the to-do list is a solution for my explosive problem.
"Teleport."
At Wiz's Shop
Ringgg The shop's bell chimed as I entered and a familiar devil smiled at me.
"Welcome boy who went from hero to zero in a matter of seconds!" The ex-general turned shopkeeper taunted me, chucking a bit afterwards.
"Let's cut the shit Vanir, you already know what I want."
"Hmm, Moi believes we have just what thou are looking for. Wait here brat." Vanir walked into the back, he rummaged through a couple of crates. A moment later he came back holding a pink choker with red gems decorating it.
"Is that it? It looks like an ordinary choker." I enquired.
"This may look like an ordinary choker but looks can be deceiving moi boy, just look at yourself. A weak individual but yet a powerful one at the same time. Why, you are as cunning as moi!" He laughed.
A powerful Duke of Hell but at the same time the local shopkeeper that defends the dumpster from crows and has earned the title of Crowslayer. You're as deceiving as me.
"Now back to the topic at hand, this choker completely prevents the user from channeling mana and reflects any magic that it comes in contact with via those red crystals. Those are another variant of manatite called 'Red Manatite'." Vanir pointed at the red manatite crystals decorating the choker.
Very creative name.
"Regular blue manatite conducts and amplifies any sort of magic. Red manatite does the opposite, it completely rejects magic of any kind and launches it back from whence it came. Well it only rejects magic of the less explosive kind, or what you would call AOE."
"Holy shit! …Wait a second. If it reflects any magic, except the AOE kind, why are you guys selling it instead of a higher value store?"
Magic immunity sounds too good to be true.
Vanir sighed. "Red manatite is usually viewed as useless rubbish. Red manatite rejects all magic as Moi said. This includes any good magic with the purpose of benefiting the user, such as healing magic and any sort of skill that requires mana. Red manatite effectively locks the user out of using anything that uses mana, as the channeled mana gets nullified by it. Although it found its purpose in decorations or jewelry used by wealthy nobles and non-adventurering folk."
"Jeez, will it kill you guys to ever sell anything useful for once?"
Vanir shook his head. "Moi has had this talk multiple times with the shopkeep, she is as hopeless as that hound of a Goddess you live with. She invests all of our profit into useless junk like this." He kicked a nearby crate in frustration, presumably filled with more junk.
I looked around the store, noticing the lack of Wiz. "Speaking of Wiz, where is she? I haven't seen her for a while." The lack of the undead and clumsy shopkeeper was apparent. With no tea brewing and the shop having a much more dead atmosphere instead of it's usual lively one. Pun not intended.
"Ah, the Lich who has a talent for becoming poorer the harder she works. Moi has sent her to the Capital to buy new wares instead of the Crimson Demon Village as she usually does. She's accompanied by a certain devilish penguin to make sure she doesn't fall prey to street vendors. As for her return… Moi foresees that she will return in seven days. Sadly you won't be able to ogle her various features but you'll have to make do with me. Call it a blessing in disguise for Moi. Focusing on making rents due would be far easier." Vanir wiped his …mask's brow?
Never did I think I'll see a Duke of Hell struggling to make ends meet. How odd..? No, not odd. …Depressing? Yeah, let's go with both.
"Now, shall we resume the discussion of this oddly colored choker? The material used to craft it is surprisingly durable." Vanir stretched the choker in all sorts of ways. Once he was done, he presented it to me. Lord and behold, not a single wrinkle was present. "Not even a blade would leave a mark!" He bargained.
"For the magic nullifying to take effect, your Crimson Mage must wear it. Once worn, it is impossible to remove by normal means. And as for the color… the shopkeep thought it was 'cute' and 'in-fashion'." Vanir sighed, rubbing his temple, well, where it should be.
The colors don't even compliment each other! What a scam!
Under normal circumstances, I would've laughed at the stupidity of this and moved on. But under my circumstances this is just what I needed.
"Alright, I'll bite. First things first, any side effects?" Not going through hell again.
"Moi assures you that there are no side effects of any kind this choker inflicts. Thou can trust Moi since Moi has used Wiz to test it!"
"Huh? You said it was impossible to remove. How'd you get it off her?"
"Moi simply has to touch it and it'll unlock with ease."
Who makes this!? And who's their target demographic!? Who would buy this!? …Other than me.
I sighed. "You sold me, I'll take it." I gave in and decided to purchase this cursed choker.
"That'll be five million eris valued customer."
"…"
"Oh! Thou negative emotions are simply the best!"
I left the cursed store five million eris poorer. Vanir can be seen laughing and clutching at his chest from the window.
One down.
Once outside, I donned the cloak once more and lurked around the town with Lurk active.
An Hour Later
For the past hour I have been bargaining with the Merchants Guild. With an unreasonable amount of eris, I was able to reach a settlement with the Guild. They would no longer sell any alcohol to Aqua and would inform any traveling merchants to do the same. With no merchants selling Aqua any alcohol anytime soon, I returned home after a job well done.
Immediately after setting foot inside I heard yelling coming from the living room, presumably from both Aqua and Megumin. The urge to walk out had never been greater.
I resisted the urge and continued walking, I arrived at the living room.
Megumin was now awake but still immobile, she was shouting at the ceiling, saying all sorts of curses.
Darkness was on the ground panting, her hair a mess and parts of her teacher's get-up singed and torn. She was mumbling things such as; "Who knew a Goddess can be so violent…"
Aqua was now free and was struggling to down an entire bottle of alcohol without spilling any of it. Angrily shouting between sips; "That damn NEET! How dare he try to take my precious alcohol away from me and attack me too! When he comes back I'll make him pay!"
"You'll make me what Aqua?"
Aqua's head spun around to meet my stare at inhuman speeds. She gently set her alcohol down, got up and immediately ran at me. The furious Goddess tried to pounce on me.
Too bad Auto Dodge activated. Instead of hitting me, she hit the hard wall behind me head first. With the opportunity presenting itself, I went behind her, got into position and…
BONK!
Smacked her right behind the head. She let out a small cry of pain.
"You. Sit. Now." I demanded.
Sensing that if she didn't obey she'll get more than earful, she sat down with a pout.
I took out the pink choker I bought from Vanir and walked over to Megumin. She noticed me approaching her and started glaring daggers at me.
"What do you want, Kazutrash."
"Oh nothing."
Once I got close enough I started unlatching the choker she was wearing, much to her dismay.
"Huh- What are you doing!? Get your perverted hands away from me! Why'd you take off my choker? Why are you holding a pink one? Kazuma..?"
I replaced the black choker she was wearing with the pink one, making sure it wasn't too tight and secured it in place. Once the choker was latched on I tried unlatching it only to find that it couldn't be removed.
Good. I wasn't entirely scammed.
Now let's test magic.
"Tinder."
"Kazuma?! Why did you cast Tinder!? Kazuma, you're scaring me! Don't get any closer with that flame!" Megumin started freaking out.
With a flick of my fingers I put out the flame to try and calm Megumin down.
"Calm down! I'm not gonna hurt you, so stop wiggling. I just want to test something."
Darkness who had been watching me started going on another rant. "Oh to be tortured by your own party mate! Someone you're meant to trust! You really are-"
I tuned her out. (AN: Sorry got lazy, not gonna do another one of these.)
"Umm Kazuma? What exactly are you trying to do?" Aqua, who had been nuzzling against the empty wine bottle, asked.
"I'm seeing if I got my money's worth that's what!"
No damn choker, especially this one should cost five million eris! Just because I'm rich doesn't mean I spend carelessly. It still hurts whenever I make a horrible purchase.
I took a few steps back from Megumin.
"Oi, Megumin, don't move." Her eyes were tracking my every move.
"I can't move thanks to you!" She hissed.
"Just don't wiggle alright!" Her eyes growing bright in anger. "Here goes nothing! Tinder!" With a snap of my fingers I cast a weaker version of tinder so as to not hurt her if my little experiment failed. I launched the flame, the target being the choker.
Clink!
A split second later the flicker of fire made contact with the choker, it reflected back towards me at twice the speed. I moved out of the way and watched the flame get consumed by the fireplace with a nice crisp sound.
I looked back to see curious stares coming from all three of the girls.
"Alright everyone, we're having a very important meeting, right now! Darkness, Aqua take a seat. I need to discuss your recent behaviors with all of you."
Darkness got up from her spot on the floor and wandered over behind the sofa that Megumin was lying on and faced me. Aqua just sat down on the sofa and placed Megumin's feet on her lap. Darkness softly nudged Megumin's face, letting gravity turn her face towards me.
"Now. Aqua!" The accused had gotten startled.
"Huh? Wha-" Aqua squeaked out.
"You're not gonna buy any alcohol for the next month, none at all, and that's final. Your dumbass bought so much of it that you made the damn alcohol market collapse! How is that even possible!?"
"That's not true at all! I didn't buy that much alcohol! I was only buying the bare essentials that I needed for the week! If anything, me buying a lot of alcohol helped Axel's economy grow by graciously buying from low income markets." The alcoholic denied any sort of fault.
"Help my ass! You destroyed it! You bought more alcohol that Axel produces! Hell, you probably buy more alcohol in a day than me or Darkness buy in a week! Combined. Alcohol is over three times as expensive now!"
Aqua looked away and started whistling. "I have no idea what you're talking about." She played the stupid card. "I know I buy more alcohol than the average person but I don't have a clue on how I'm involved in the price skyrocketing. It's probably those stupid Eris priests! That's right! They're always up to something devious!"
"Stop blaming the Eris Sect! All the evidence is pointing at you. You're not getting your grubby little mitts on anymore alcohol, and to make sure you don't, I'm suspending your allowance till the end of the month. And for extra precautions I'm going to be by your side every day. Just try and pull anything!"
In a blink of an eye Aqua leaped out of the sofa and ran at me as if her life depended on it. Once she reached her target, she grabbed my shoulders and started shaking me. The flood gates were unleashed and the tears started pouring out faster than a typical Aqua tantrum.
"You can't Kazuma! You can't! How am I going to get any money! I don't wanna do anymore quests! I don't wanna get a job! They're so mean!" Aqua cried out.
"What do you even use money for besides alcohol?! I never see you go shopping and we're usually the ones taking care of dinner, not you! I'm babysitting you because you have zero self control. Every day I'm going to have to go with you everywhere! Even to bed! I know about your midnight drinks and I can't be taking any chances with you!"
Aqua seized her crying and looked up at me, giving me a death glare. "You're just using this whole situation as an excuse to sleep with me aren't you!? I bet you're all happy and giddy to sleep with me again like in the stables! You damn Pedo-NEET! And here I thought you were finally maturing!"
As if!
"You think I'm happy about this!? I'm damn pissed! I had to essentially bribe the Merchants Guild. I spent a hundred million eris! They didn't want to refuse service from their most reliable source of income! You idiots refuse to fix your own mistakes and now I have to sleep with the Goddess of snoring and drool bubbles for the next month to keep her in check! I don't even see you as a member of the opposite gender so why would I perv on you!? I need to make sure you don't get your hands on any alcohol because you're a real nuisance! Especially when it comes to screwing me over!" I snapped back.
When it comes to quests, Aqua is fucking useless and acts more like a detriment. But when it comes to screwing me over, she's a damn pro! Like back at the Royal Castle when I was raiding it with Chris. She was practically the final boss! We barely made it out of there!
"Take it back Kazuma! Take it back! Goddesses don't drool or snore!" She denied despite me having slept with her in the stables for more than a month.
She sleeps like an old man and it shatters any illusion of a Goddess she portrays.
"Enough already! Now go sit down. I don't have all day." With a hmph she sat down "Shitty pedo-NEET…" she muttered.
I'll act like I didn't hear it.
"As for you!" I pointed at Megumin.
"What do you want?!" She hissed. "You can't stop me from casting my Explosion magic! Once I get enough mana I'll blow you up or that stupid 'cafe' you always sneak off to! Just try and do anything! And what's with this stupid choker already? It ruins my entire outfit. The colors don't even compliment each other!"
Huh? Wha-
How does she know about the cafe!? I made sure to sneak off when everyone was asleep! How..?
Megumin, seeing my panicked expression, started giggling.
"Now Kazuma, will you let me cast my beloved Explosion or will I have to blow up your favorite cafe after I'm through with you?" She started giggling harder. Is she enjoying this?!
After a couple of seconds of pure inner despair I collected myself and coughed to get her attention.
I pointed at the red manatite decorating the choker. "That choker is embedded with red manatite, I assume you should already know what it does?" Megumin's proud and smug demeanor crumbled, now being a paled and shocked one.
"Along with the red manatite, that choker is designed to be impossible to take off. Luckily for me, I'm the only one here who knows how to get off and that means you won't be casting any magic for the next month. And we're not going on any quests either so we won't be needing it any time soon." Megumin's frozen expression started forming into a sly smirk.
Uh oh, I know that look.
"Oh- Ka-zu-ma~ If you allow me to cast Explosions without any issue, I'll make good on that promise we made…" She seductively said with those beautiful glowing red eyes.
Wait a second… Does she really mean we'll finally be able to cross the line from friends to lovers? My heart started pounding. I started taking deep breaths to try and calm myself down.
If I didn't order a succubus yesterday then I might've taken her up on that offer but then again who knows when an offer like this will come back, it's a once in a lifetime opportunity! Screw it, I'm taking her up on it-
No Kazuma! Remember what we're fighting for! That's right! The Succubus Onee-Sans! I can't let them down, I promised them that I'll protect them no matter what! I almost endangered them. And for what? Just to get laid once!? With the succubus I can get laid every night with multiple other women, not just Megumin!
Plus she threatened to blow them up! I can't pass that up even as a joke, I'll have to punish her somehow.
I've made my choice. I will decline that temptress' offer for the good of the Succubus Cafe! Oh and for the environment too.
"What promise is Megumin talking about with Kazuma?" Aqua, who had resorted to playing with Emperor Zell in the corner of the room, asked.
"N-nothing!" Both me and Megumin exclaimed in unison.
"Have you made your choice Ka-zu-ma?" Megumin spoke in a sweet honey filled voice.
I can't let her seduce me! Come on Kazuma Satou, are you really that weak willed of a man!? No you wouldn't! Not to Megumin of all people! I have to strike back!
With a newfound plan I walked over to Megumin.
"Drain Touch" And gave her back some mana so she can walk again.
"Hey Megumin, let's go do your Explosion right now. Go get ready! I have a new spot I want to visit." I enthusiastically invited her to an explosion walk.
Megumin simply smiled, stood up and whispered in my ear; "I knew you'd make the right choice. I'll see you tonight… I'll go get my staff now." The Crimson Seductress spoke in a sweet and alluring voice. And with that she hurried up the stairs and into her room.
My heart started racing again. Maybe I should really let her cast explosion just this once…
SLAP
I slapped myself to get rid of those lustful thoughts. Aqua and Darkness were watching me with raised eyebrows. Both extremely confused as to why I slapped myself out of nowhere but ultimately didn't say anything.
God I'm so damn easy.
A second later Megumin came back, equipped with her staff. She looked up at me before leaning in and whispering; "I'm ready Kazuma…are you?" She then pulled away but not before I grabbed her hands, making both of us blush a little. Even with all she just did we still found a way to redden up.
"Megumin, wait. I need to tell you something." I leaned in and wrapped her in a hug.
"Is something wrong Kazuma?" She asked in concern, lacking any sort of malicious intent, instead being replaced by genuine concern and worry.
I then whispered into her ear. "Megumin I have something I need to tell you."
"Y-Yes Kazuma?" She stuttered. What happened to the bold Megumin?
"Drain Touch."
And with that I sapped Megumin and she once again became immobile and fell on the couch. I quickly grabbed her staff and pointed it at her.
"-Huh? Why'd you do that?!" She yelped.
"You think I'll let myself get seduced that easily?!"
"Yes." Aqua, Darkness, and Megumin all said in unison in dead pan voices.
"I'll never be able to regain my pride as a man if I did."
"As I said, you're not blowing up anything for the next month. And as punishment for trying to seduce me and threatening to blow up the cafe, I'm confiscating your staff too!"
"You jerk! I wasn't actually gonna blow the damn place up!" She lied. "I was actually going to keep my word if you'd let me cast an Explosion too." I was suddenly feeling regretful. "And give me back my staff, it's an important relic of mine!" Megumin tried to reach for her staff but in the end her hand just moved a couple of inches.
"Nope! I'm hiding this and you won't be getting it back until next month. And don't even try anything or I'll use it to hang my underwear. So be a good girl, Me-gu-min~." I smirked at her defeat.
This caused Megumin to start wiggling even harder and made her eyes glow even brighter than they were before.
"I'll blow up your stupid cafe as soon as I can." She hissed at me.
Jeez, she can be scary as hell sometimes.
"Such diabolical words. As expected of the beast of a man Kazu-trash." Darkness commented.
"That's Scumzuma for ya'" Aqua also commented.
I'll ignore that.
Onto the next idiot.
I swiftly pointed the staff at Darkness.
"And as for you Lewda-tina. You've been perving out too much lately."
"No I haven't!" Darkness lied through her teeth, putting her hands to her face.
"You just did five minutes ago! And back at the Guild you were too busy perving out to help me deal with Megumin properly, now every single person in Axel wants my head on a pike. I won't be able to go out without the fear of being executed!"
"I don't see the problem with that." Aqua and Megumin butted in.
"Shut it!" I snapped back.
"Kyaa~ such ruthless behavior, mayb-" Darkness went at it again.
"There you go again! Would you please cut it out!" I interrupted before I had to hear another of this Depraved-tina's fantasies.
It seems as my words reached her as she shook her head. "I'm sorry Kazuma, it's just that I've been so busy dealing with my noble duties regarding the Capital and the defeat of the Demon King. I haven't really gotten any real time to myself so I usually let my urges act out instead of me. I apologize deeply Kazuma." Oh, Darkness has a proper reason on why she's like this. Maybe I was too harsh on her.
"It's fine Darkn-"
I was rudely interrupted. "Maybe one of your punishments will help me get over this situation! Maybe you can tie me to a tree while you mercilessly beat me with a stick like a piñata! Or maybe you can force me to put on a maid's uniform while you walk me around town while everyone sees how much of a dirty dog I am! O-Or m-maybe you can-" I immediately lost any remorse I had for this fake noble.
"Oh you want a punishment don't you?" I asked in a playful tone.
"Yes I would m-mwaster~" She said without any shame, all while Megumin and Aqua silently stared daggers at me.
"Good, now stay here I have just the punishment in mind for you."
I went upstairs, much to the excitement of Darkness.
I reached her room and found out it was locked.
Oh well.
"Open Lock." I used a skill I picked up from Chris and broke into Darkness' room. I turned on the lantern that was sitting on her dresser and looked around.
Darkness' room is actually pretty tidy. Things were organized and not a single piece of junk was on the floor. Gotta give credit where it's due but man, Darkness really knows how to keep her room clean.
I looked around some more, using Megumin's staff to search hard to reach places and found some things that I'll never mention to anyone, especially Darkness.
Eventually I found what I was looking for.
The Dustiness stamp, stashed underneath all her clothes, in a box labeled 'DO NOT OPEN'. Seems she wanted this well hidden.
Once the target has been acquired, I locked the room and retreated into my own room. Inside I found a sleeping Chomusuke, resting comfortably on my bed.
I really am her favorite. I couldn't help but smile.
First things first, gotta hide this staff.
I reached for my door and locked it, making sure no one was spying on me. I went over to the corner of my room, moved a chair aside and lifted one of the floor planks below it, exposing an area I used as storage. Inside was my stash of magazines. I moved them aside and lifted another layer of floor planks, exposing my actual secret storage. Inside was my Vanir Mask, which was glowing a slight shade of purple and occasionally a blue color for some reason. Beside it was my Thieving Outfit, Iris' Ring, Dynamite, and an envelope I had written for just this occasion. I swapped out Megumin's staff and with the envelope, barely fitting the long thing in.
In my hand was the envelope with a letter inside of it. After Darkness set me up and handcuffed us together so I could forcefully pay my taxes, I always wanted to get back at her so I wrote this letter directed at her father;
Dear father,
I, Lalatina, have recently become aware of my current predicament. I'm moving away from the ideal marriageable age and I realize that I won't be able to get married in the future if I don't find a suitable partner right now. As my father would you please send any nobles you deem fit as my partner to my current home, the mansion in the outskirts of Axel. I would gladly attend to all of them so please, keep them coming.
Sincerely,
Lalatina Dustiness Ford
I figured that it's the perfect opportunity to use this letter as Darkness' punishment she's currently gushing over, plus I have the official Dustiness stamp.
Why the hell not?
After stamping the envelope and sealing it I returned it back to its original hiding place. I closed my secret storage and looked outside and saw that it was already dark out.
At least this day is almost over.
I started chanting. "Teleport." I teleported in front of Axel's police station, used Lurk and deposited the letter in a nearby mailbox. I teleported back into my room before anyone could see me.
Mail leaves early tomorrow at daybreak so her dad should receive that letter tomorrow morning.
After failing to resist the urge to pet Chomusuke, I deposited my black cloak in my closet and exited my room and returned back to the living room where I saw a very excited Darkness and two annoyed idiots. Darkness noticed me and practically jumped up in joy.
"What's my punishment m-mwaster?" She eagerly asked.
"I'll be here tomorrow so you'll have to wait for now." I cheerfully said.
"What exactly did you do Kazuma?" Megumin, sensing my unnatural tone asked.
"Just a little surprise for Lalatina over here." This caused Darkness to get excited even more somehow.
I yawned. "It's getting late, so let's go to bed already. Here Megumin I'll give you some mana." I gave Megumin enough mana so she can wobble around. "Oh and Aqua, can you check out the toilet? It's been making weird noises."
"Huh? But I don't wanna fix it! It's so gross and why can't you fix it yourself!?" Aqua demanded.
"Every time I try and fix it, it gets worse. You're the Goddess of Water so go make yourself useful for once."
"Of course a useless NEET like you would need someone like the gracious me to help you handle the toilet out of all things!" Aqua reluctantly accepted.
Now that's taken care of, I think I deserve a bath.
"I'm gonna take a bath first, Darkness make su- actually I'll go with her, I can't trust you after she escaped you last time and left you on the floor. You guys can bathe first, Darkness make sure Megumin doesn't do anything sneaky."
"Yes Master!" Darkness cheered.
"C'mon Aqua, you got a toilet to fix."
"I'll show you how to properly fix a toilet!"
20 Minutes Later
"Anddd… that should do it!" Aqua wiped her brow with her handkerchief.
"Amazing! How can you're the best when it comes to the most random of things?"
Aqua had fixed the toilet and explained how to do so in detailed instructions to me for the last 20 minutes. She's like a plumbing guru!
"It's only natural that I'm good at these types things! I'm the Goddess of Water and it's only expected that fluidity is one of my many talents. It's also one of the perks of being apart of the Axis Sect! Here." Aqua handed me an Axis Cult registration form.
"No thanks." I crumbled it up and tossed it into the toilet.
flushhh…
The form got flushed away into the depths of the toilet, never to be seen again.
I hope that doesn't clog the toilet.
"Wha- why'd you do that?! Those forms aren't cheap you know!" Aqua yelled seeing one of her thousands of forms flushed down the toilet.
"It seemed like the right thing to do, and it was. Now that we're done let's go take a ba-"
pipipi
"Kazumaaaaa! The toilet! Look!"
I turned towards the toilet and saw it overflowing. The toilet making low gurgling sounds.
"Kazumaaa you idiot! Well now you pay attention! I'm going to show you how to properly fix this pesky toilet! Now, faithful servant, please hand me the plunger.
We had to spend 20 more minutes fixing the overflowing toilet. At least I learned some plumbing tips from Aqua.
"Now that that's over with, let's go take a bath." I said standing up from the wet bathroom floor, being careful as to not slip on the floor.
"Aren't you forgetting something? Hmmm?" A smug grinning Aqua asked. She rose from the ground, wiping some sweat with her handkerchief. "Maybe you should thank a certain Goddess for helping you during this difficult time. Hmmmm?"
"Oh! You're right!" I cupped my hands into a prayer once more. "Thank you Eris for looking after your favorite disciple and keeping him safe from the clutches of this fake Goddess."
"Huh? Wha!-" Aqua latched onto my shoulders. "You jerk! I'm supposed to be your favorite Goddess! Not that pad wearing brat! And how come you only pray to her and not me!? I'm the superior and very much real Goddess here!" The imposter(AN: I'm sorry.) whined.
"Oi! You're gonna stretch out the fabric! Chill out! I was only kidding!"
She sniffed. "You were? I'm your favorite Goddess?" She looked up at me with hopeful puppy-dog eyes.
"What? No you're not, it's Eris. Darkness is probably Eris' favorite disciple, not me. Not for long though."
"You big meanie!" She cried out, shaking me violently.
I had to spend 5 more minutes calming Aqua down and bribing her with some chips.
"I'll be taking the bath first." A tired Aqua said.
"No you're not. Didn't you hear me? We're gonna be taking a bath together. I can't risk you being out of my sight for longer than a minute. "
Aqua, being taken aback by this, shuffled a couple steps away from me, hugging her bosom protectively. "Absolutely not! I won't let a NEET, especially you, get your hands on me!"
"What are you complaining about!? You didn't have a problem when we bathed together when we were working in construction!"
"That's because we were in the public bath house! I could've called for help if you decided to assault me! Now no one can hear me if you get any funny ideas in there! I won't hesitate to send you to that second grade Goddess you like so much!"
"Why would I perv on you willingly!? You ruined any chances of me perving on you when I first met you. And you really ruined them whenever I spend more than twenty minutes with you. Now quit whining and get in the bath!"
"Nooooo… I don't wanna!" Aqua latched on the doorframe, each hand holding on for dear life.
I had to drag her in there.
Excluding the glares from a pouty Aqua, nothing bothersome happened during the bath. We changed into our sleeping gear soon after.
"I can't believe I took a bath with a NEET… sniff."
"Oh shut up! It's not like I did anything. If anything I should be the one in tears. I have to spend every moment of my life for the next month, babysitting this blue haired bimbo!"
"You'll get divine punishment for that…" Aqua sniffled.
"Yeah yeah, let's go to bed. Megumin and Darkness are probably already asleep with all that time we wasted on the toilet."
"No thanks to you!"
"Okay, I'll admit it, you were useful with fixing the toilet."
"That's right! Keep praising the almighty me." Aqua proudly said.
What kind of Goddess takes pride in unclogging a toilet?
"Whatever, let's go to bed, I'm damn tired because the stunts you idiots pulled back at the Guild."
"Hmph!" She pouted.
A good walk later and we made it to Aqua's room. She put her hand on the knob. I grabbed her shoulder.
"What do you think you're doing?"
"Going to bed?"
"Not in your room you're not."
"Huh?! What do you mean Kazuma?" A very confused and frightened Aqua asked.
"Did you already forget? You're sleeping in my room for the next month."
"Huh?! No! I don't want to!"
"We already went over this! I know damn well you have a crap ton of wine in your room! Now stop putting up a fuss and come here!"
I grabbed her arms and started hauling her into my room across the hall.
"Kazumaaaaa!"
"Stop complaining! You brought this on yourself!"
I managed to forcefully shove her in my room and onto my bed. I went over to my closet and pulled out a spare futon and laid it out in the furthest corner of my room.
"Ugh gross! I don't want to sleep in a NEET's bed. There's all sorts of icky stuff in here. Yuck!" She stuck her tongue out and hopped off my bed, patting herself down.
"Ah gross! Is this fur..?" She held up one of Chomusuke's many pieces of fur. "Just what kind of depraved acts have you been committing on this bed?"
"Oi! Stop making it sound like I'm some sort of beast! That fur came from Chomusuke! She was sleeping here earlier."
Aqua cocked her head to the side in confusion. "Wow, I can't believe a NEET like you actually got a girl to sleep in his bed, albeit a cat."
"What are you talking about?! I'm not even a NEET anymore! I died outside. Hell you're more of a NEET than I ever was!" I pointed at the NEET in denial.
She gasped. "Don't compare me to the likes of you! Goddesses can't be NEETs! It's simply impossible. Someone as great as me can't be a NEET! Just look at me!" She pointed at her body's various womanly curves and slick physique.
"I'm not in the mood to argue with you right now. Let's just go to bed." I groaned
"You're sleeping over there." I pointed towards the old futon that was in the dark corner.
"Why do I have to sleep in the dirty old futon!? Shouldn't it be me who sleeps in the bed while you sleep there?! …Hey! Are you even listening!?"
I tuned her out and closed my eyes, hoping she'll fall asleep sooner or later.
With a huff, I heard Aqua walk over to the abandoned futon and rustled inside. "Stupid Kazuma…" She silently mumbled.
Finally, a break from this tiresome day. I can't wait to sleep away the stress. I got another day just as eventful as today ahead of me.
An Hour Later
I can't sleep! I regret doing this.
Between Aqua's loud snoring, tummy scratching, rustling, and sleep gibberish, it's practically impossible to sleep! I have no idea how I managed to sleep in the same haystack with her before, oh yeah I had to use those. Maybe the alcohol calmed her down? I'm really considering just dropping the whole anti-alcohol thing with Aqua now.
I sat up and looked towards the offender with strained eyes.
Holy crap! That snot bubble is as big as her head!
Her tummy was partially exposed, her hair was messy and covering half of her face while the rest of it was spread across the futon, and she's drooling too!
Are those crumbs..? How the hell does she sleep like this!?
I got up from the bed and went over to my closet. Inside were two boxes, one containing a large amount of the prototype soda beverages I made, the other box containing prototype bags of chips, a bag clearly missing from the middle of the box.
Huh?
I looked back at the hermit of a woman snoring in the corner and towards the side of her and noticed an empty, crumbled, and discarded bag lying right next to her cheek, obscured by the snot bubble.
How did she know where to find these?! I said I'll give her some but didn't tell her where. How didn't I notice her go into my closet? Furthermore, how did I never hear the audible sounds of crunching chips produced?
Pushing past those boxes, I went a little deeper into my closet and found exactly what I was looking for. Earplugs. Turns out this world has earplugs too.
Haven't used these ever since we moved out of the stables. Hopefully they're not too dusty.
After wiping them down with my shirt. I tried them on and luckily, they fit perfectly. I looked towards Aqua and strained my ears. The once loud snores have been reduced to small, barely noticeable ones.
I laid back down in bed and mentally prepared myself for the challenges yet to come. At last I let the clutches of sleep take me into a deep slumber.
AN: Hey! Thanks for reading! Please review as feedback is greatly appreciated. I spent more time than I needed to writing this. Frankly it was getting too long, so I decided to just publish the finished parts and save the rest for chapter two. One last thing, would you guys prefer if I wrote smaller(2k-3k words) chapters and get them out faster? Or that I write longer chapters but it'll take more time. I'm slowly preferring the smaller chapter method. Let me know what you think. Anyways, thanks for reading! See ya next time. :)
AN: Editing in this godforsaken app is painful.