Ladybug grinned as she and Chat Noir bumped fists. "Guess you could say we nailed that one, right Chat?"

She could practically see the hearts in his eyes as he turned to her, starstruck. "Milady, did you just make a hammer pun?"

"Oh, don't look so surprised, Chaton. His name was literally Hammer-Head. It was too easy."

Chat grabbed her hand and started peppering kisses across her knuckles like an overenthusiastic dating sim lead. "You're literally amazing. I can't believe you made a pun!"

She rolled her eyes and wiped her hand on her spotted suit. He just twirled around his staff like a lovestruck ballerina, singing, "Milady made a pun~! Milady made a pun~!"

"Now stop it, you silly kitty, or I'll pun-t you across Paris."

His jaw dropped. Before he could recover, she reached out and scratched under his chin. He let out a strangled purr-meow, blinking in dazed euphoria.

"Marry me?"

She giggled. "Sorry, Chat. This bug is spoken for."

She didn't give him a chance to respond, throwing her yo-yo and soaring into the twilight sky. Within moments, she landed on her balcony, steadying a potted plant she nearly knocked over. Her red and white camellias were finally blooming. She picked a few to put in her vase on her desk before nudging her trapdoor open.

Then she heard it—a thud behind her.

She turned, heart dropping. Chat Noir was perched on her railing, tail flicking. "Marinette, you won't believe it! Ladybug made two puns today. Two."

Ladybug froze, hand still gripping the trapdoor handle.

What. Is. He. Doing. Here.

Chat's visits to her balcony were rare but not unheard of. After their "fake dating" ploy, which ended with the unfortunate akumatization of her Dad, he'd stop by to beg for cookies, chat about Ladybug, or just annoy her in a vaguely charming way. But he had never come over immediately after an akuma battle. They weren't that close.

And she had never lingered on her balcony in costume.

Chat's green eyes narrowed. His tail flicked. "Uh…" he started.

"Uh—" she blurted back.

He tilted his head. "Ladybug?"

She straightened. "Yes?"

"You're… not Marinette?"

"Yes. No. I mean—definitely not Marinette. Not Marinette at all. She was Multimouse! I couldn't be her!"

His eyebrow inched higher. "So you're not Marinette."

She gave an exaggerated nod. "Correct."

Chat hopped down from the railing, stalking toward her with the same energy a detective might use when cornering a suspect. He leaned in, close enough to make her heart trip over itself. "Are you lying?"

She flushed. Nope. Nope, nope, abort.

"No," she squeaked.

He squinted harder. "Then… why are you sneaking into Marinette's room?"

Ladybug groaned. "You make me sound like some kind of creep! I know Marinette very well."

"Do you?"

"Yes! I was… surprising her! She's a... a very good friend!"

Chat froze. He visibly stiffened. His pupils dilated like a cat who had just spotted a laser pointer.

"You're… surprising Marinette?" he repeated slowly.

"Yes?"

"With flowers?"

"Yes? She loves flowers."

"Oh." He took a step back. Then another. Then made an awkward thumbs-up. "Ohhhhhhh."

"Chat?"

He smiled, but his teeth were clenched. "Have fun. Surprising her. With your surprise."

"Chat, why are you being so—"

"HAVE FUN WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND, I'LLSEEYOUONPATROLBYEEEEEEE!"

She dropped her flowers. "Did he just say girlfriend?"

Adrien barely made it home in one piece. His mental state was directly tied to his control over his pole, and his mental state was a flaming train wreck.

At one point, he miscalculated and plummeted straight into a dumpster.

Lying among rotting fruit, he glared at a banana peel as if it had personally betrayed him. "Well, you should have told me you were in love with her!" he hissed. "I thought you were still pining over that mysterious boy! Cataclysm!"

The banana crumbled to dust.

A homeless woman sitting nearby burst out laughing. "You good?"

Adrien sighed. "Girl trouble. She loves someone else."

The homeless lady snorted. "Tough. Gotta find someone loyal like my Tommy, here." She caressed her trash bag.

Yeah, nope. Adrien groaned and dragged himself from the trash, waving goodbye as he extended his pole. He barely made it to his room before his Miraculous beeped its final warning. As soon as he detransformed, he flopped onto his bed face-first.

Plagg hovered nearby, munching cheese. "What's got your whiskers in a twist?"

Adrien muffled something into his pillow.

"What was that?"

Adrien flipped over dramatically. "Ladybug is dating someone."

Plagg did not look sympathetic.

Adrien sat up, his stomach rolling as he tried to wrap his head around it. "Ladybug is dating Marinette."

Plagg choked on his cheese. "I'm sorry—what?"

"I caught her sneaking into Marinette's room and she called her a very good friend. We both know that means you're into her!"

"So… your first crush is dating your second crush?"

Adrien groaned. "You know my heart belongs to Ladybug alone. But I lost Ladybug. I lost Ladybug to Marinette! And now, I can't even go hang out with Marinette because we're love rivals, so I also lost my cookie supplier."

Plagg rolled his eyes, "You poor baby. At least I have my cheese, which is the only love anycat needs- hey!"

Plagg dodged the ladybug-themed pillow Adrien threw at him effortlessly. "Fine. Then what now, Romeo?"

Adrien stilled. Then his eyes gleamed with dangerous determination.

"I'll prove that I have everything Ladybug loves about Marinette... and that Marinette doesn't need Ladybug if she has an awesome super-friend like Chat that fulfills all the same boxes! I'll be so amazing that they'll have no choice but to realize I'm just as worthy!"

Plagg just smothered his face in his camembert.

Adrien's mind raced. He started muttering to himself. "Ladybug loves Marinette. But what does she love about her? Her clumsiness? Her passion? Creativity, kindness… maybe her baking?" He groaned, "And I know Marinette already thinks I'm just a dumb alley cat, not a sexy superhero like Ladybug. I need a plan."

Plagg watched in amused horror. "I swear, if this ends with you wearing pigtails…"

Adrien was already scribbling notes. "Step one: Check if hair can fit into pigtails as Chat Noir." He hesitated, then stood, moving toward his mirror. With a critical eye, he tugged at his hair, experimentally gathering it on either side of his head. "Hmm... would Ladybug find this charming, or horrifying?"

Plagg wheezed with laughter. "Oh, this is better than cheese. I should be recording this." He hovered closer, eyes gleaming with mischief. "You're really doing this, aren't you? This is happening."

Adrien tugged at his hair one more time, tilting his head. "I need to commit, Plagg. It's all about the details."

Plagg dove back into his cheese. "I'm gonna need extra for this. And possibly some popcorn."

Hello, lovelies! Three years later and I've finally rewritten and completed this crackshot... jeez. This first chapter is largely the same, but the rest will be something completely new.

Follow along if you can take it :)