Happy Birthday, Bells," Charlie said, placing a plate of hot pancakes in front of me. A couple of them were burnt, but the strawberries and syrup drizzled on top masked the darker bits enough. "Nineteen, wow. I can't believe it."

"Neither can I."

And it was true. I couldn't believe it. I couldn't believe that I was spending my birthday still very much human, in Charlie's kitchen.

"I hope they taste okay. I followed some recipe online."

I picked up my fork, cut into the stack, and ate over the plate, ensuring not to drip any syrup in my lap.

Charlie sat down across from me, waiting for my feedback.

Aside from the occasional chunks of flour and burnt pieces, they tasted decent.

"They're great, Dad. Thank you, really."

He couldn't hold back a smile, his eyes scrunching up with satisfaction.

"I know they don't look all that pretty, so that's good to hear. Do you want your present now?"

"Come on, you didn't have to get me anything," I protested, mid-chew.

"Course I did. I'll get it set up for you."

"Set up?!"

He smirked and got out of the seat. The keys in his uniform pocket rattled as he jogged out of the kitchen and up the stairs.

The dread I usually felt on my birthday didn't hit me yet. Maybe it was because I honestly forgot what day it was until Charlie reminded me. Really, it just felt like another day.

I dragged a forkful of pancake through the syrup, ensuring each bite included some strawberries, which acted as a refresher from the artificial sweetness.

"Bells! Come up!"

After devouring the rest of my breakfast, I clumsily got up to place the sticky dish in the sink.

I wasn't sure why he couldn't just bring the gift down here, but I didn't want him to be any later to work, so I quickly made my way up the stairs. I found him in my room, sitting on my bed, smiling even bigger than before.

My eyes didn't spot it until he pointed to my dresser. Atop it was a brightly lit, medium-sized fish tank.

"Fish?!"

I crossed over to level myself with the tank to get a closer look.

The multicolored, iridescent fish that waded through the water looked like living flowers with how their fins moved.

"What kind are they?"

"Siamese fighting fish, bettas."

"They're amazing," I said in awe.

"And aggressive. I had to make sure there were enough hiding spots for them. Otherwise, they go crazy and fight each other."

On top of the black pebbles sat a few different aquarium ornaments. A big purple castle was in the center, a desert scene in the corner with cacti and bull skulls, and a little black cat with glasses reading a book toward the back.

I looked back at Charlie while pointing at the tank. "You picked those out?"

"Yeah, that's what they'll hide in. I got the desert cause of, well, Phoenix. The castle cause it looked like one of them romance castles, and I know you like those books. And if you were an animal, I think you'd be a cat."

Tears welled up in my eyes. I peered back down to see the fish swimming in and out of the castle as if they were already used to it.

"How long have you had them?"

"Couple days. Got 'em when you were at work and kept the tank in my room. Do you like it?"

In response, I went over to hug him. The bulkiness of his uniform made it difficult to wrap my arms fully around him, but I squeezed as tight as I could.

"It's perfect, Dad. I love it."

"Woah there, kid, you're about to crack one of my ribs!"

"Sorry, sorry."

I pulled back to see Charlie's face turn beat red, fighting a smile.

We observed the fish weaving in and out of the flowing green plants while he explained more about their breed, what to feed them, and how often.

I pulled him in for another hug.

"Thank you."

"Of course, Bells. I'm glad you like it."

Pulling back, I tucked a strand of hair behind my ear and looked down.

"Well, I mean, in general, for everything. I know I haven't made things very easy in the past year and a half—I've given you a hard time. So, thank you for putting up with all of that. I know all you've wanted was for me to be okay."

He cleared his throat.

"Well, of course."

"I just want to say that you're a great dad, and I don't say it enough. And…and I love you."

I needed him to know that was true.

"I love you too, kid. You're my whole world."

Charlie and I have always been introverted and awkward, so it wasn't easy to express things like this, but I was glad when we could.

"Alright, Bells, I better get going."

"Yes, go, go. Don't be any later."

"We'll order dinner before cake at Billy's later. Pick out whatever you want."

"Okay. Bye, Dad."

"See you later, kiddo. Make sure to feed them in a few hours."

He left my room, closing the door behind him.

When I heard the cruiser rev and drive away, a shiver of panic ripped through me. It happened every time Charlie left the house now.

Really, it was the feeling of helplessness that caused the panic. The thought of him being somewhere else where I couldn't be. The thought of the Volturi prematurely coming to Forks…

Easily, they could crush his police cruiser with barely any effort at all. They could make him disappear.

I shook my head, forcing the thoughts out.

I tried not to let the fear overwhelm me. Fear that at any moment, they'd be here. I knew Edward would warn me, but the Volturi were unpredictable.

After I saw Edward last and nearly totaled the Mercedes—though I'm not sure it would have even crashed—I drove down to the reservation.

I told them everything that Edward had told me. Warned them, potentially, because what I was truly worried about was putting them in danger, not just the pack but also their families and everyone else. They needed to know, and they needed to be on high alert.

They had to make sure they were ahead in any way that they could be.

Sam told me they'd already been in anticipation of something happening, whether it was me being bitten, a possible war with the Cullens, depending on how rabid I turned out to be, or something like this. He didn't seem surprised by what I told him, just exhausted.

Sam assured me they didn't blame me and that I had made the right choice by not becoming one of them. They all placed the blame on the Cullens.

The wolves seemed to view me as a victim, which I didn't feel was entirely accurate. I did have a part in this too.

But I had come to terms with the fact that Edward had placed me here and put me in this position. And that realization was painful and harsh. I didn't like that Edward planned to make a deal with the Volturi, but that was the only option, and I had to have hope that it would be for the best.

I wanted to get out of this alive.

I wanted everyone else to get out of this alive.

So we will.

I couldn't dwell on the other possibilities. Not now.

Since I knew she would call me later, I figured I'd call Renee now while she was on her lunch break. Our conversations lately have been less and less frequent since she's been busy teaching again.

I usually waited for her to call me because, typically, if I called her, she would be in the middle of doing something, or I wouldn't have her full attention.

She picked up after the fourth ring.

"Hi, baby. I'm on break. Is everything okay?"She asked with the blaring radio of her car muffling her words.

"Can you lower that? I can't hear you very well."

"Oh, yes, sorry, sorry. What's up? Everything okay?"

"Everything's fine."

"Why are you calling, honey?"

"Mom, does something have to be wrong in order for me to call you?" I laughed half heartedly.

"No, no, of course not. It's just early over there!"

"I just wanted to talk to say hi. It's my birthday, and I knew you would call later, but I won't be home."

"Oh my gosh! Happy Birthday, Bella! I'm sorry. I swear I didn't forget. I'm just thrown off right now, being sick and still in work mode. My gift should be getting there in the next few days!"

"That's okay, how's work been?"

"Oh, you know how it is. It's always crazy and hectic. Already got sick for the first week back. Happens every year. The classroom is like a petri dish."

We both laughed.

"I definitely don't miss that."

"Yep, Phil's not too thrilled about it. He had to cancel a trip this week because of it."

"How's Phil doing? Besides being sick."

"Oh, he's good, honey. He's good. We'd love it if you would come here sometime. You know, last time I saw you, it was cut so short."

I began to pace around the perimeter of my room.

"I know. Um, I'm back at work now, so I'm not sure when I could go there just yet."

"Are you sure everything's okay, Bella? I promise I didn't forget it was your birthday. I hope you believe me!"

"I'm fine, really, I just wanted to say hi."

"So you're back at work. Are you sure you didn't wanna start college?"

"Well, it's already too late. It'll have to be next year if I go. I need to save up some money anyway."

"Okay, well. You'll figure it out. You always do."

Was that true?

"How's Charlie?"

I cleared my throat. "He's good. He got me pet fish for my birthday."

"Oh, how thoughtful! I'm glad he's good; I was a little worried about him, sweetie. He called me, upset, a few weeks ago."

"Hm."

"You know, I kind of hope…well, I've had a thought in the back of my head, and I hope it's not true, but I hope that your running away like that wasn't inherited from me."

"No, Mom, that has nothing to do with it."

"Are you sure? I was just so shocked that you did run. I mean, you and Edward were like—"

"Mom, why did you… Why did you leave? So soon? Why didn't you wait to see me one last time before you went home?"

She paused.

Either she was focused on the road, or she was actually thinking about what I asked; I wasn't entirely sure.

"What do you mean?"

"I mean, why did you go so soon?"

"Bella, you wouldn't have seen me. You were too upset. I didn't want to bother you."

"But did you feel the need to?"

"I-I didn't think much about it, sweetheart.

I just figured that you wanted to be alone, and you would figure it out and come to me when you needed me."

I nodded my head, biting my lower lip.

"Okay. I get it. It's because I'm stubborn and keep everyone out."

Renee chuckled over the line. "You're just like your father, Bella. You're in your head far too much, very dramatic. But you stay quiet. You ruminate a lot. You know, I think that meditation would be good for you."

Something about her dismissive tone just sent me over the edge.

"Mom, maybe I don't need meditation; maybe I just need you to listen to me."

"I am listening—"

"Don't you see that there's a disparity here? I'm your daughter. Yes, I'm stubborn. Yes, I'm highly independent. But I need a mom sometimes. I don't have everything figured out like you think I do."

"Maybe not everything, but you're a smart girl."

"Well, I almost just became a teenage bride."

"And that was your decision, Bella. You insisted it was the right choice for you."

"Well, it wasn't, I know that now and I'm glad I do. I just feel that ever since I was little, I had to grow up fast, and I think it made me rush into decisions."

"Grow up fast?"

"Um, yes? I was basically the adult of the household as a child. I did your books for work when I was 10!"

"You did, but it's because you're better at that stuff than me. What does this have to do with anything?"

I sighed and massaged my forehead.

"My point is that sometimes I just need to be a teenager. But I don't think I ever got to be a kid."

"I had no idea you felt like this."

"Why didn't you stay, mom?"

"Bella, I don't know what you want me to say."

"I guess I don't really know either."

There was a stretch of silence between us, but the honking horns filled her side of the line.

"I'm sorry," she said with a hint of sadness. "You're right, baby. You never really had a chance to be a kid, and I'm to blame for some of that. I just, I'm all over the place. You know that."

I sighed.

"You are a brilliant, brilliant girl, wise beyond your age," she continued. "Everyone knows that. You're way smarter than me, Bella. I never wanted you to feel unsupported. Maybe I'm not the best mom. I always knew I wasn't mother material. I won't lie to you about that. But I did my best, okay? And I'm sorry that I didn't stay."

"It's okay."

"I just didn't want to pry. I always worry about you."

"I know."

"Alright, honey. Well, listen, I have to go. I'm sorry. Phil is calling me, and I'm sure he's gonna be telling me that I have to pick up something from the store."

"Okay."

"I hear everything you're saying, baby. Okay? Really, I'll try to be better."

"Okay, mom. I love you."

"I love you too, Bella. Never, ever forget that, okay? Even if I have been the way that I am, it's true. How about I come there and see you?"

"I, no, not now."

"Oh, okay. Are you sure?"

"Yes, um, I'll come see you, I need some sun again. I'll tell you when, but not now; I'm back at work and everything, and plus, you're sick."

"Alright, we'll figure it out. And I hope that I can show you that I can be better.

Even if it might be a little late for that."

"No, it's not. It's never too late."

"Happy Birthday, Bella. I love you."

"Love you, mom."

I hung up the call.

Where did that even come from? I've been stressed out, sure, but was I stressed more than usual?

I meant what I said, but I'm not sure the timing was great. Suddenly, I felt a little stupid for bringing any of that up. Why couldn't I just let it be a typical birthday call? Luckily, Renee was forgetful, and I hoped she'd just forget that conversation.

It was 9AM and I wanted to clear my mind by cleaning my room. I made my bed, vacuumed the carpet, did the laundry, dusted.

Simple, human things.

After I folded and put away a load of laundry, I got the alcohol spray and sprayed my mirror, which was dusty and full of my fingerprints. I hummed along to the Linkin Park that belted out of my speakers.

When I finished cleaning the mirror, I pulled away the rag, stepped back, and looked into it.

It was easy not to care about how I looked most of the time, to forget, even. But I couldn't help but appreciate how long my hair had gotten. It nicely framed my face, which looked fuller and softer than it did a month ago.

No wrinkles appeared on my forehead, only very, very slight smile lines. Instinctively, I rubbed my finger across my skin, attempting to smooth them out.

But then I dropped my hand.

Those little lines indicated that I laughed, that I felt happy. Why should I want to erase those?

Nineteen was an age I never wanted to reach; it was a genuine fear. I feared looking older, having wrinkles, changing, growing. But nineteen was young. My face hadn't changed much at all from a few years prior. And even if it had…so?

It was all ridiculous and superficial, something I knew I honestly wasn't.

Moving around in the mirror, I knew that I liked the olive striped Henley shirt and simple blue jeans I wore. They fit me right and suited me. I felt comfortable in my clothes. I liked how they shaped my body. I liked that I chose them. I didn't need anything more expensive or flashy to feel good.

I leaned closer and looked into my eyes. Charlie's eyes. My father's eyes.

Chocolate brown. I liked them. They didn't need to be otherworldly red or golden in order for them to be beautiful, to be good enough. They were pretty.

I was.

And yes, that was going to fade. I'm only now nineteen, and I'll only be getting older. Deep lines would form in my skin, and my eyes would become glassy like Gran's.

But that's okay. In fact, I'd be lucky.

My cell phone rang in my pocket.

I pulled it out with a sigh, expecting it to be Renee again, and put it to my ear, ready to apologize for our conversation prior.

"Bella?"

"Oh, hey, Quil." I fixed my hair before tearing away from the mirror. "What's up?"

"Have you seen Embry?" His voice was impatient, erratic.

"Embry? Why would I—"

"So, no?"

"No. Why? What's going on?"

"We can't find him. He's missing."

"What?"

"I don't know."

"Well, when did you notice that he was gone?"

"We don't know exactly. We haven't seen him for a couple days but didn't think much of it."

"Did his mom say anything?"

"She said the same. She stopped noticing when he was there or not. She also hasn't seen him in a few days."

"Um, okay, do you want me to help look?"

"No. We're going to go look now."

"Okay, please keep me updated."

"Yeah, I'll try."

"I just don't understand…"

"I don't know. It doesn't make sense. Look, I gotta go. You could come by now; keep my mom company if you want."

"Um, sure, yeah."

"Just be careful, okay?"

"What? Why should—"

"We don't know what's going on. All we know is that you're the one that always gets roped into everything. Just watch your back, just in case. We haven't smelled any vampires or anything, though."

"I'll be vigilant."

"Alright, I gotta go."

"Okay. Bye, Quil. Be careful."

I rolled up to the Ateara home, my stomach sinking when I noticed Old Quil's car in the driveway. I almost turned around and drove back home, but Joy was already at the door, waving for me to come in.

Reluctantly, I parked and climbed out of the car, feeling anxious as I walked up to the door. Joy opened it for me, smiling warmly as always.

"Come in, birthday girl!"

I blushed, looking down at my sneakers.

"Thanks, Joy."

Upon entering the house, Old Quil was sitting on the couch, in the spot that I typically sat in when I came by. Usually, he stayed upstairs or he wasn't home.

He wore a dark green button-down with a gray vest overtop and brown corduroy pants. White, long hair was tied off to the side under his camo print ball cap.

I awkwardly waved.

"Um, hello."

He stared at me through his thick glasses with a blank expression.

Clearly, he did not want me here.

I looked to Joy, who raised her eyebrows at him, gesturing for him to speak.

He didn't.

"I, um, I can, I can go..."

"Don't be silly; you just got here," she said.

"Really, it's okay. Quil told me—"

"Stay," Old Quil said flatly. His face remained blank.

It was the first word he'd ever said to me.

Joy nodded. "Sit, Bella. I'll make some tea," she said, heading to the kitchen.

"Okay, thanks."

I sat in Joy's usual seat on the couch and stared into my lap. I felt Quil's grandfather's eyes on me, causing heat to creep up my neck.

Did he actually want me to stay, or was he just being polite? I couldn't imagine why he wouldn't want me to leave. Feeling unwelcome wasn't new for me, but I hated feeling as if I was intruding.

"You have eyes for magic," he muttered. My head shot up, and I must have looked like a deer in headlights.

"I-I'm sorry?"

"You have eyes for magic," he repeated.

"I'm not sure what you mean."

"You draw it in." He lightly patted his chest with his palm. "Follows you."

"I guess that's true, but I don't know why."

He cleared his throat gruffly.

"You have some of your own."

His voice was indifferent, so I wasn't sure if what he was saying was meant to be negative.

I didn't know what to say to that and didn't want to say the wrong thing, so I didn't respond.

Luckily, Joy came back into the room, setting two steaming mugs on the coffee table. She stirred them both with the tea bags.

"It's hot, give it a few minutes. Cranberry orange and chamomile. You pick."

"Thanks so much, Joy."

"Anything for the birthday girl!"

I blushed again.

Joy looked bright and glowing as always. The brown embroidered maxi dress she wore hung elegantly over her full figure. It matched perfectly with her beaded necklace and earrings.

"It seems like we may not be celebrating later, but hopefully, they will find Embry soon."

"Yes, they'll find him, I just hope it's sooner rather than later and that he's okay. What do you think happened?"

"I'm not sure. Embry has always been a little…rebellious. Even when he was a child. But he keeps to himself a bit more. It's possible he may have run away for a few days. He fights with his mother a lot."

I could definitely see that. It must have been difficult having a mother that didn't know what he was.

"Quil sounded really upset on the phone."

"He was. They're very close."

The way Quil looked at Embry by the bonfire flashed in my mind.

I nodded and grabbed the cup of tea off the table.

The energy in the Ateara home was different today, quieter, as if we were waiting for something, which I suppose we were. We were waiting for someone to come through the door and tell us that all was well, that Embry was safe. Until then, we distracted ourselves.

Old Quil retreated back to his bedroom upstairs, but I didn't think it was to avoid me, I simply think he was a very tired old man. The anxiety I felt about being there fizzled out a little after he'd spoken to me.

Joy was an excellent host and did her best to make me feel special on my birthday. She put on Pride and Prejudice while we played a few rounds of a card game called SPIT. During the game, we would crack up in laughter because of how frustrating it got. When she laughed, I noticed the smile lines on her face, but they only reminded me of how her smile was deeply infectious.

She also wasn't afraid to ask me about the obvious things that were going on, but she did so in a way that made me feel comfortable. It wasn't difficult to talk to her about what I'd been feeling; really, it was a relief. She listened. But mostly, she understood.

When I expressed my fear of her or anyone else coming in harm's way, she only smiled and said she had faith in her son and the rest of the pack.

By the time 5 o'clock hit, Joy called Billy to tell him that since Quil hadn't returned, we'd have to do my birthday another time. We couldn't risk having Charlie come down to La Push under the current circumstances. Billy would then call Charlie to tell him everyone here had caught a nasty bug.

Entirely unexpectedly, Joy brought out the birthday cake she had already baked for me, singing. A few lit pink candles stuck out of the cake, their flames wavering until she set it down on the table.

"Make a wish, Bella!"

Old Quil peered into the kitchen, and they both watched as I blew the candles out.

I wish to see twenty.

The three of us sat at the small kitchen table and dug into the decadent chocolate cake.

"Holy crow, Joy, this is delicious."

"You can have the recipe, sweetie. It's rich, isn't it?"

I nodded, forking more cake in my mouth, savoring it.

Simple human pleasures.

Right now, I couldn't imagine living over a hundred years and not being able to eat cake or any sort of sweets again. How did that never hit me before? Perhaps it was because I hadn't had Joy's cake yet.

After finishing the cake and helping Joy clean up in the kitchen, I realized it was getting late.

"I better get going now. I need to do dinner with Charlie, even though I just had cake."

"Cake before dinner is sometimes a little necessary," she said, smiling. "Go ahead, sweetie."

"I hope they come back soon," I said, pulling on my sneakers.

"They will, don't worry too much, okay?"

She walked me to the door and gave me a firm hug.

"I'll try."

"Happy Birthday," mumbled Old Quil, who had been silently sitting on the couch.

Again, I was taken aback by him speaking to me.

"T-thank you, and thank you for having me."

He nodded.

When I stepped outside, a heavy gust of wind blew over, slightly bending the nearby trees. The clouds overhead had darkened, almost completely shrouding the setting sun, making the sky feel low and heavy.

I hurried to the car, making sure to heat myself up a bit before pulling away down the road.

As I continued driving, I neared a corner with a small glimpse of the beach in sight. Walking slowly along the sand was a familiar silhouette.

Quil.

What on earth was he doing here? Why didn't he go home?

Instantly, I veered the car to the side of the road and pulled to a stop. I knew he must have heard me slam the door against the wind, but he didn't look up and kept walking to where I could no longer see him.

I hobbled down onto the beach; the sand was difficult to walk on in my old sneakers. The wind kicked up harshly, causing my hair to blow wildly around me, obscuring my sight.

"Quil!"

He got far ahead already, and he didn't turn around to look at me. Frustrated and confused, I attempted to jog against the gusts and thick sand under my feet.

"Hey! Wait!"

I almost expected him to start running away from me, so it was a surprise when he plopped down on the sand in defeat. Still, he didn't look in my direction, only out at the waves.

When I caught up to him, I kept a distance, remaining a few steps away to give him space.

He wore no shirt or shoes, only a pair of shorts. His curly hair whipped backward, revealing his agonized face.

"Quil. What's going on?"

He shook his head before letting his face fall into his palms. He started to sob.

I started to panic.

Did something happen to Embry?

I knelt down beside him and shook his arm.

"Hey! Quil, look at me! What's going on?" I called out, trying to be louder than the elements. "What happened?"

My attempts at pulling his hands from his face were futile; he was much too strong. But after a few attempts, he pulled his hands away himself, pulled me in for a hug and cried onto my shoulder.

"We-we couldn't find him. Anywhere."

"Hey, hey, hey, it's okay."

He shook his head again.

"Remember he was talking about leaving?" I began. "Maybe he did go look for Jake—"

"No! He told me he wasn't gonna bother looking for him. He's been completely fine since we got the call from Jake. He had no intentions of running away anymore."

"Well, Joy said that he fights with his mom a lot, maybe that's—"

"Tiffany told us that they haven't been fighting as much. Something is wrong Bella. I can feel it!"

His body started to convulse, so much so that I felt the vibrations through my body.

I wrapped my arms around him and tried to rock him.

"Breathe, Quil, breathe. It's only been one day. He's going to come back."

"I should be out there looking for him, but I'm a weak idiot who can't control my own thoughts." He blubbered.

"What are you talking about? You are not a weak idiot, you care!"

"Too much. I care too much. And they all know now."

He tore himself away from me and covered his face.

"He's your best friend, of course you care. They already knew that. They all care too!"

"Yeah, but—"

"No, there's nothing wrong with caring!"

"There is."

"Stop it! That's ridiculous."

"It isn't."

"It is!" I exclaimed.

He pulled his knees to his chest, wiped the tears streaming down his face with the back of his hand, and looked up at the sky that grew an even darker grey.

"Bella, I love him."

Though he looked defeated and devastated, he seemed relieved to have said it out loud.

I wasn't shocked to hear this, but I was surprised by the sheer pain in his voice.

I reached for his hand, but he immediately withdrew.

"I-I know."

He scoffed.

"Everyone does now."

"Please, Quil, it's okay."

"It's not. It's not okay. I tried for so long…"

"Tried what?"

"To keep it to myself."

I looked down at my fingers, not wanting to ask anything that would hurt him more in this fragile state. So I tried to word my question carefully.

"How were you able to do that? I mean, how were you able to not…think it when you were phased?"

I felt his body tighten beside me like an automatic response.

It took a moment for him to answer.

"For a while, I didn't know what it was. I thought that he was just my friend, but I thought maybe it felt different with him because we were close since we were little."

I knew what he was talking about all too well.

"But then, as we got older, I started to realize it. I knew. And it never went away. I don't think it ever could. Anyway, I trained myself to not think about it. To push it so far down inside myself that it wouldn't be possible to come up. I've mastered changing the subject, to reverting the thought into something else, seeing it like an intrusive thought that I absolutely could not entertain. Because I couldn't. I can't!"

He sighed heavily, seemingly out of a mix of relief and defeat.

"Because I can't lose him. The thought…ruins me. So when we were just looking for him, when the overwhelming thought of him being gone, of losing him, came in the forefront of all of our minds. I couldn't keep it down. I couldn't control it."

The wind picked up harder, and I had to speak louder to talk over it.

"How did they all respond?"

He swallowed hard, red creeping up into his face.

"All differently. Shocked, confused, well, besides Leah. She laughed about it and thought it was obvious. Sam thought about how "there's always something new," I guess because he's still coming to terms with the fact Bry is his brother. I phased back before I could hear anymore."

"That…doesn't sound so bad. Because it's not. You can't control how you feel."

"God, and what's so stupid is that this doesn't even matter! Embry is out there somewhere, and we don't know where. I can't even think about it. Bella, I can't. I can't …"

He began to shake again. I pulled him closer to me, rubbing his back.

"How do you deal with it? With Jake?"

The question hit me like a ton of bricks.

"You deal with that too. Jacob is your best friend."

He looked up at my face, angry.

"Are you kidding me?"

"What?"

"I just poured my heart out about this and, unfortunately, to the whole pack, and you're seriously going to try and pretend you don't know what I meant by that?"

Now, I sighed heavily.

"I deal with it because I have to try to imagine that he's happier elsewhere, far away from me. Plus, he called, and we know he's alive. The situation is different. It doesn't matter."

Quil looked at me, horror distorting his features. The tears flowed again as his jaw shook.

"You don't think Embry is alive?"

"Stop it, stop that! That isn't what I meant! Of course, he's alive, but I know you are worried to death that the worst happened."

"Bella, I can't. I-"

I gripped Quil's shoulders and shook him a little bit.

"Calm down! We are going to find Embry, okay? I promise you, we will."

"You can't promise—"

"Stop it. Stop! We don't have the time to think about the worst-case scenario right now, okay?" I pulled myself up on my feet, trying to drag him up with me.

"Come on. Let's find him."