Chapter 17

Revy sat looking out over the streets of Roanapur from the roof of the office. Though infrequent, she came here when she had something that she really needed to think over. It was probably the only place where she could actually find a little bit of peace in the entire city. Since nobody else came up there it gave her privacy, and privacy meant that she could do what she wanted, such as go naked in the night air.

During the day she wouldn't have done it due to the chance of sunburn, she had been through that once before. Also she didn't want to deal with any peeping toms. Doing it while everyone else was asleep also saved embarrassment on everyone's account. Didn't matter if Rock saw her naked, but the others weren't going to get that little show.

She had heard that there was some sect somewhere in China, Korea, or one of the Asian countries that meditated naked, something about getting in touch with nature. She just found it easier to deal with in all the humidity that was common in a sea side city. Night time temperatures were still in the low eighties.

The opening of the door surprised her and sent her to her usual stance, cutlass leveled and safety off. Heidi didn't find it real fun to be at the receiving end of the barrel.

"What the fuck are you doing up here," Revy asked, more than just a little pissed at the intrusion.

It took the mute girl a second to get her pad and pencil in her hands,'I couldn't sleep so I came up here to do some stargazing. It used to help me get to sleep when I was a little girl. If you want me to go, I will.'

"No it's fine. I don't have anything you don't," the older woman said lowering her gun.

'You don't,' Heidi wrote motioning to her chest.

"Ok maybe I have bigger balloons on my chest. Just get out here and get comfortable. The humidity is a killer."

Heidi had decided to follow Revy's advice and stripped down as well. She had to admit that it did indeed feel nicer than clothing. Regardless it always felt sticky in the city. She did feel somewhat self-conscious about her boobs next to Revy's over sized pair.

"Heidi, you any good with secrets?"

The question surprised her, 'It isn't like I can just blab them out.'

Revy chuckled at the signing, "True, you have to think about everything you say. Which means regardless you would take it to the grave."

'I am starting to wonder if I shouldn't put my clothes back on and go back to bed.'

"Sorry, I actually could use someone to listen to me that I can trust not to tell everyone about my thoughts."

Heidi found this more than a little strange having only known the older woman a very few months, 'I don't know if I would be a good counselor to be honest, or even just a good brick wall.'

"Just listen, I need to get this off my chest, no offense meant," the gunslinger took a deep breath, "I am starting to have doubts about my life. Ever since I found out that Ethan had brain cancer I just, I started wondering if there might be more to life than what I have now. Hell just watching the way he fights, knowing that he has sixteen years of hard combat and living under his belt, I almost fear that I am going to end up the same way. I don't want that, I may not be completely happy with everything as it is, but I'm content with it, and I'm not sure that I want it to change at this point. I am one of the most feared people in this fucked-up shithole of a city. If I did like the cowboys and notched my guns, I wouldn't have any guns left. And how the fuck would I fit in with the rest of society. All I know is killing, drinking, uh... that's all I fucking have. I ain't fit to raise a kid, not that it doesn't have its appeal, but what kind of fucked up child would I bring into the world, the next fucking Hitler. I mean, could you see me in a sundress watering marigolds in this nice little suburban neighborhood. Besides Dutch needs me, Rock definitely needs me, and Benny, doesn't need me per-say, but he is part of this fuckup family."

'If you could have had that life, would you have taken it?'

"I probably wouldn't have known anything else. I kind of shudder to think of being some empty headed trophy wife who just smiles and bakes sugar cookies for her guests. I won't lie and say I'm a fucking genius or anything, but I have my areas of expertise. I never even made it past the sixth or seventh grade. But I can use just about any gun out there. Maybe most people wouldn't be proud of that, but in this world that is something. Even if I could leave this life and have something like that, what kind of man would want some scruffy, foul mouthed, overly violent, hard-assed, trigger happy bitch like me. Who knows if I could even have a kid at this point. I mean, I haven't taken a round anywhere near that equipment, but with all the shit I've put into my body, even if I could it would probably look like something that should be in a freak show. I close my eyes and I see scenes of what might be, what could have been, shit like that, and just some of it seems like it would be worth it, other bits scare me, and the rest seems like the inevitable."

Heidi was surprised. She had never heard Revy speak this much in one go. She was never at a loss for words, but she wasn't ever this verbose with what she had to say. She did have an idea though that might help the situation.

'Revy, when they bury you, what flowers would you like put on your grave?'

The older woman gave a slack faced expression, "What the fuck does that have to do with anything? And who says they're going to bury me anywhere?"

'My father said that you could learn quite a bit about someone, even yourself with that question. He taught me all about the different meanings of the flowers. Again, what would you want on your grave?'

The gunslinger closed her eyes and thought, "Daffodils. I remember seeing wild ones pop up in vacant lots when I was young, and thought they may be the only glimpses of sunlight that I may ever get to see."

Rather than signing Heidi wrote out her response, 'The daffodil is considered to represent second chances. I think in a way everyone wants it, but it isn't the thing that people want the most. It's kind of surprising to hear it from you.'

"Ain't that just a fucking surprise. I unknowingly want the one thing that I never will have. Shit, maybe with a family that cared. Looking back I really can't remember how bad they were, can't even remember their fucking faces."

All Heidi could think about the next few days was the side of the most intimidating woman she had known that no one else was aware of. It was humbling to say the least. One could almost say that it was a miracle that someone like Revy could even open up to someone. She wasn't a psychologist, though Ethan was making her study it along with several other subjects for some unknown reason, but she could tell that it was the most honest that the woman had ever been. There was none of her unique form of malice or cynicism within her words. However none of that did anything to help mitigate the feeling of unease she felt during the lesson she was currently learning.

"Don't tense up when you feel the recoil, let your wrist go limp only at that moment to act as a shock absorber, it allows you to get back on target quicker than maintaining your armline. Unlike Ethan's .38 or that monster .44 mag that Dutch carries 9mm has a much less forceful recoil f. The only downside is that the smaller slug doesn't have as much killing power, which is why you need to get back on target quicker," The older woman said as she slipped a new magazine in the CZ83 Ethan had provided.

'It hurts when I don't keep my wrist tensed. Why am I even learning this anyways?'

"Ethan decided it would be better for you to be able to protect yourself rather than having to rely on others all the time, which is true. If I had my way I would make you into the Night Terror of Roanapur. The mute assassin that nobody realizes is there until they hear a shell casing hit the floor. The pain will go away with time and conditioning."

Heidi deadpanned as she wrote, 'That actually sounds really awesome. Could you?'

Revy frowned, "Ethan said he would beat me within an inch of my life if I did, and I have no doubt that he would and could. However, in just two short years I believe that you will be considered an adult, and if I just so happen to be around, he wouldn't be able to say anything against it."

'Why does he have a say in it?'

"Technically he is your legal guardian according to the Thai Government. On that thank Balalaika and her wanting to keep as much attention away from the city as possible, otherwise nobody would have though of it."

'I would have thought that Ethan could care less about all that government interference crap. Besides half the kids in the city don't have guardians, why does that half bat merc have to be mine?'

"Half-bat," Revy asked?

'Assed, I screwed up the sign ok.'

Revy motioned the girl over to a bench seat out of an old pickup, "Believe it or not, you are probably going to be thanking him later. His parents were probably as bad as mine, maybe worse if he didn't think his pops was worth killing. Of course I think he said that he was in the hospital or something when he left. He spent sixteen years traipsing the world killing people, so maybe he feels that it's his fucking duty to give something back to the world. You know what he was like before they popped his top and took the tumor out. Acting like he had been the worst mother fucker walking."

Heidi couldn't deny it. But still, she should have some choice in how her life turned out. Maybe she did owe him for giving her a roof over her head and food to eat, and a halfway decent job that did require her to drop her pants every couple of hours. She was being too hard on him. It just didn't seem right that he forced her to study whenever she wasn't working, granted though that there wasn't really anything called a social life in this city if you wanted to stay alive.

"Don't think about it too hard, trust me, the less time you think and the more time you act puts you ahead," Revy said standing up.

'And that is the reason you are teaching some street brat to use a gun,' Heidi signed placidly.

"Nope, I get Ethan's share for the next five jobs"

A/N: Life sucks. That is the only excuse I am going to offer.