Number Thirty-Two
Chapter Twenty-Eight
The Ghost
Fire is a beast that people never truly have control over. It's a temperamental, dangerous thing so often underestimated by the many whom use it for their own personal gain. Goku's seen wildfires discolour entire sections of the 439 Mountain Area, the ashy remains a stark reminder for years following in what one improperly kept campfire can do. Fire can bring warmth, of course, Goku understands, and it can bring security. It can bring light and also an orbit of life which is drawn to it. Where there is bad, there can also be good. Two things can exist at once.
Gohan represents one such dichotomy.
A burning blizzard.
So blusteringly blistering.
Gohan's stoicism has been smelted by that of his own rage. His expression is glacial with fury.
He's looking at Goku like he wants to truly, honestly, full-heartedly kill him. Literally, his body's vibrating with sizzling pink. Dark eyes are dilated, the whites barely visible, with a deep hatred that no amount of repression would be able to smother.
There is a crunch of dirt as Goku repositions himself. He already knew the result of his actions—but to bear witness to this shift disturbs him. He'd heard about Gohan's temper, but seeing it is another thing.
He thinks back to when Gohan was barely out of babyhood, all those years ago, back when he'd exploded from the space pod and launched himself into Raditz' armour, already then demonstrating his raw potential for anger fuelled violence. Whilst Piccolo had helped Gohan hone this rage, the Youth Program had only stoked it by giving Gohan more to be angry about.
Words will have no effect right now.
Goku stares down the fire, his jaw tense. Behind, a gust of snowfall whistles, cutting the golden hue of the Namekian Dragon in the dark. A breeze carries Gohan's hair, but everything else about him is deathly still.
If not for the sudden spike of Gohan's ki, Goku wouldn't have realized he'd moved.
Yes, Gohan's ki. His energy. His beautiful, familiar life-force that has been eternally engraved into Goku's memories. To feel it again—after all these wretched years—is like coming home, and even as Gohan boils over, Goku can't help but feel some joy at the reconnection.
When Gohan's fist collides with Goku's expectant, out-stretched hand, a pyroclastic surge breathes out an intense heat. Somewhere in the distance, Goku hears a structure collapse. Around, several trees are uprooted and snow becomes airborne only to immediately melt. The rain becomes mist. Steam encircles them.
The encapsulated fist shakes, frustrated at not being able to proceed. Goku's own arm is shaking and swelled with tensing. His feet cut into the dirt, with knees bent, just to absorb the impact of the blow, and he skids slightly when Gohan's height gives him the advantage.
If Gohan was thinking straight, Goku would wager that he'd retreat, and put his energy into a different approach, but right now, Gohan isn't thinking straight, operating on something far more primal. He wants this attack to work. He wants this fist to concave Goku's face into a mushy pyramid of flesh and bones.
He wants to hurt. He wants to scorch the earth.
His teeth are bared, grinding, and his eyes are shiny as they cut into Goku's own.
Finally, Goku thinks. You're looking at me.
It's difficult to throw Gohan backwards, only managing it when the ground beneath cracks apart under the intensity of the collision. Gohan doesn't ease up however, catapulting forward as though the floor was a springboard. The second attempt is luckier—for him—with the result of further destroying Goku's nose. If it wasn't broken before, it is now. Copper pours down his throat before any pain is realized.
He needs to power up.
But Gohan lunges quickly, a burst of speed, his ki flaring outward. He swings a punch, aiming straight for Goku's chest. Goku sidesteps effortlessly, his own ki flaring up just enough to deflect the impact. The punch lands, creating a small shockwave that has the ground trembling.
At this, Gohan growls, anger twisting his face as he spins around, unleashing a flurry of kicks. Each one is sharp, precise, the air crackling with the force of his energy. Goku blocks, his movements ungraceful and clumsy, are just about able to keep up. Each parry is deliberate, and he never over-exerts himself; it's just enough to protect his body from the wild attacks.
Gohan snarls, shoving all his remaining power into one, massive, uncontrolled punch. The energy behind it is overwhelming, a visible wave of force radiating out from his fist. Goku's eyes narrow, and in an instant, he sidesteps, raising his palm just in time to meet the blow. The impact sends a shockwave through the snow, but Goku absorbs the force, standing shaken.
Indeed, fury surfs the snow's surface, showing that Gohan is in his element. The snow casts a darkened, beautiful blanket as he swivels in the thick of it, his body revolving seamlessly, bending over itself and into a spinning kick. It catches Goku's shoulder, throwing him into a spin of his own. The ice below is difficult to stabilize on. It's too slippery. His boots haven't the traction.
Around, the wind howls through the blizzard, snow stinging their faces as the air crackles with tension. Now above Goku, Gohan stands, fists clenched, eyes burning with fury. His ki pulses around him, sharp and jagged, like the storm itself. Every breath he takes is laced with anger, the energy inside him threatening to further erupt.
Gohan…
His ki flares, a blinding light that cuts through the swirling snow, aimed straight at Goku.
Goku braces himself, his ki flaring in a protective blue aura. He's been through battles like this before, but the blizzard makes it harder to focus. Thick droplets cloud his vision, and because of this, Gohan lands this punch, devastating Goku's mid-section. Feeling his insides rupture, Goku curls around the fist, spluttering. Blood and spittle sprays. He hurts.
Gohan has no mercy however. He punches again and again, doing so until Goku manages to capture both wrists, and even then it's not enough. Gohan crushes a knee into his abdomen, momentarily paralyzing Goku.
Power up. He has to power—.
Gohan knees him again, panting. It's agony. Gohan is not pulling his punches, which means the exhaustion is creeping in. Obviously not used to this kind of full-on assault, he won't be able to keep this up. All Goku has to do is outlast this outburst.
Renewed by hope, Goku pulls Gohan upwards, ruining his balance, as to finally dislodge the body above. Gohan doesn't go easily—but he does at least go. Faltering upwards, Goku slips wayside to put space between them. Because of the state that he's in, flying is nearly impossible with the wind's drag, and yet, he must try as Gohan isn't airborne. He forces his feet off the ground, hovering just enough to dodge Gohan's next attempt at a grapple.
Gohan's attack connects with the air where Goku was just a moment ago; creating a shockwave that sends snow flying in all directions. Goku shifts to the side, narrowly avoiding another strike. His own movements are calculated, defensive, never overcommitting.
"G-Gohan, you've gotta' calm down!" Goku calls out, his voice barely audible over the blizzard. But, as expected, Gohan only roars in response, pushing forward with more ferocity. His ki grows, dark and uncontrolled, blasting towards Goku in frenzied waves.
"Hyahh!"
It's Piccolo's spiral beam attack—the Makankōsappō—which coils in aim of him. Good God. It's fast. Unlike Piccolo's, this energy is laser quick and Gohan's able to throw them out as easily one is able to breathe.
They hotly soar past. The world transitorily glows from the fire.
Damn it—he thought Gohan was losing steam!
Goku grits his teeth, struggling to maintain his position, the wind battering him from all sides. He can't fly easily in this storm, and he can't keep dodging forever.
"Gohan!"
As Goku hovers higher, a wall of pink builds in lieu of him. It approaches, building and building. The pink expands so extensively that there is no room in Goku's peripheral vision for anything else.
It hums hungrily. It envelops.
Crap, he thinks, soaring upwards. This is insane. How can one person have ki reserves like this?
The nearby tree is another obstacle, with its reaching vines. They yearn for Goku. Dark, leafy arms wish to squelch Goku as they've done to so many soldiers. Goku witnessed men being consumed by this evil. Pureed into mincemeat that was then absorbed by the green. Consumed. Made into nothing. Goku carefully flies by its side, avoiding the vines, which cinder upon coming into contact with Gohan's colossal attack, crackling as they desolate from their stems.
That's good to know at least, that the tree can be overpowered.
He wasn't sure if it would be possible. Perhaps Vegeta may have some ideas on how to bring it down. Goku'd ask Piccolo had he not just sent him to Otherworld. It'd been the only way to save him. To stop him from dying a natural death. To be able to wish him back when the time is right.
Looking towards the Dragon, Goku knows that he must wait awhile just yet.
Onwards, he soars, putting distance between himself and the soon to be explosion of pink ki. The energy pulses behind him, crackling like thunder, sending ripples through the air. His body tenses, feeling the force push against him, urging him to fly faster. His heart races as the ki's glow bathes the world below in an intense pink hue. He looks back briefly, just enough to see the expanding shockwave of power, and a chill runs down his spine. It's getting closer. He accelerates, the wind whipping past him, hoping he can outrun the surge of raw, unstoppable energy.
Finally, the explosion erupts, deafening Goku. The heat pushes him forward, barrelling him into a snowy cliff side where a pillow of snow saves him, hugging him with a thud. It's here that he pants, finally able to catch his breath.
In the distance, the dark swallows the pink, and once again, the night claims all aside the overhead golden might of the Dragon.
Goku swallows.
That's… some power.
Without the strength of Super Saiyan, there's no way he'll be able to bring down Gohan. Awkwardly, he dislodges himself from his groove, standing just to sink once more in the thick depths of white. It disperses quickly when, with a yell, Goku calls forth his power, the gold drawing to him like light from the sun. The transformation coats him, and instantly, he feels better for it, like entering a hot bath after hours spent plunged in ice.
Sensing that he's no longer alone, Goku turns. Opposite, against the backdrop of the storm, Gohan stands, wheezing. Perspiration pastes dark hair to his forehead, and he struggles to blink away the beads of sweat as he holds himself up, his body still rapt with furious energy. Goku knows. He senses its boundlessness.
There's something different now, though. It's just… Gohan isn't only angry. He's entranced by something. Staring. Watching Goku with a wavering, glassy expression that looks ready to fracture at any moment.
"Gohan…" Goku tries, softer this time. The Super Saiyan power whirrs, drowned out only by the crunching of snow as he approaches his son. As a result, Gohan's fingers glow with pink sparks, forcing Goku to stop in his tracks. When he halts, so do the sparks.
As Goku goes to speak, Gohan's lips part—but no words follow, and Gohan's hand grapples as his armour, resting above his heart. It squeezes. The sound of fingers scraping the cladding can be heard. Over and over, the hand scuffs at the white.
"Y-You…" Gohan finally releases hollowly. A breath is swallowed. "You…"
This is what winning looks like, Goku realizes, watching his son break. This is what defeating him looks like. He's in his corner. Broken. Devastated.
Goku has saved Gohan, at the cost of ruining him.
"S-Super Saiyan." Gohan watches as the gold blisters, his dark almond eyes a perfect reflection. In them, Goku watches his own ki pulsate. Gohan's honesty is upsetting—the ache of hurt Goku's able to comprehend. This is the power which brought down Frieza, a power the entire Frost Empire has feared, and yet, with it, Goku wasn't able to save Gohan.
"Do you remember this… from Namek?" Goku finds himself asking when unable to say anything else.
It's a surprise when Gohan nods, just the once, and so numbly and jerkily that the image is unnerving.
"You weren't supposed to be there," Goku continues, "When Namek exploded… you were supposed to be on Earth with Bulma and the others—no, no." There's an inhale of breath, a realization. "No. I'm wrong. Gohan, you were never supposed to be on Namek to begin with. You were supposed to be at home. Safe. With your mum."
Gohan's gaze wilts, and behind, his tail gives a lone swipe against the snow.
"I failed you," Goku tells him. ""I should never have let you go to Namek… I shouldn't have ever put you in harm's way like that. I… Gohan… I can't turn back time. I wish I could but I can't, but I can do things differently now. I can protect you. Take you home. Help you. Make sure that no evil miserable bastard ever hurts you again. We can go to Earth. Together. We can go home. Or you can go to Earth and live by yourself, if you want, so long as you're safe. So long as you're there and no-one can take you again… I… I…" Goku felts his throat tightening. The metallic taste of blood catches his tongue, and he coughs around it, awkward, hurting. "It's safe. Earth, that is… Nobody'll be able to find it if they wanna' bring harm upon it, or hurt its people, including you. Not even Hailer would be able to reach you. You'd be… you'd be home. Safe."
Gohan's fists clench. His teeth are bared, and several cracks part the floor beneath him.
"I don't want to be safe," he spits.
He wants to be dead, Goku knows. But it's more than that. Gohan doesn't want to die for the sake of it—he wants whatever he's feeling to stop. But in death, it doesn't simply stop. Gohan will not stop being. The pain will follow him like a shadow.
As Goku takes a step forward, Gohan takes one back. His shoulders are hunched and his words are sharp. "I'd be another prisoner."
"You'll be a prisoner wherever you end up."
It's a dangerous territory, Goku realizes, talking about this so openly with Gohan, a well-guarded and immeasurably private person, yet there's clearly enough hurt to push him to want the unthinkable, and to have him so honest about his intentions—to have such a reaction. But really, has Gohan unpacked all this properly? Why does he really want to commit suicide? What's at the heart of all this?
When Chi-Chi died, Goku had been so angry, so at a loss and betrayed and hurt that he'd hated her for months. She'd killed their unborn baby. She'd stolen his family. His future. His everything except for the hope of finding their missing child. In one fleeting moment, Chi-Chi had laid herself in the bath and closed her eyes a final time, making everything worse.
Faces of those known and unknown had consoled him. They'd all mourned his wife. They'd gone to her funeral. Organized her belongings. Spoke of fond memories of her. Her father, Ox, had taken Goku in his arms and wept as Goku stood there, staring into space and wondering why all this had happened. Why would someone kill themselves? Why would they not want to try to live? Hadn't Gohan deserved a chance at having a mother? Hadn't their unborn child deserved a chance at life? What makes a person so selfish to leave their loved ones behind?
"She'd been hopeless," Bulma had told him either very late at night or very early in the morning, depending on how you looked at it. They'd been in the garden at Capsule Corporation, watching the inky clouds shroud the moon. "I think she stopped believing Gohan could be saved. And with another baby around? The guilt she must've felt…"
"What about the guilt for killing—."
"She wasn't thinking straight," Bulma had snapped. "And for the matter, the thing inside her stomach wasn't... even…" She'd sighed, her frustration still evident, and baby Trunks, who'd been asleep in her arms, had squirmed, just as unhappy as Goku had felt. "Don't put that on her, Goku."
But it'd been his child. His second chance. "It's awful… I… I don't think I can forgive her. I'm just so mad all the time. I don't want to hate her but…"
She'd taken his hand. "Chi-Chi didn't do this to hurt you."
"So, she just wanted to die?"
"I don't think that was the case. Suicide is… it's hard for someone like you to understand because you're, well, you. You'd never back down from the challenge of life. Just like Vegeta."
"Living isn't a challenge."
"It is for some people… when it's hard. I've had hard dark days, too, especially after Namek. With what happened to Gohan, I didn't want to get out of bed in the mornings, remember? I was able to overcome that, but it'd been difficult and some days were and still are hard, and Gohan's not even my child. If something ever happened to Trunks then, God, I don't know what I'd do."
"You'd never give up on Trunks, like you've never given up on Gohan," Goku had argued.
She'd rocked her baby, a sad smile present. "In that same situation, I don't know what I'd do, how I'd act. Gohan was everything to Chi-Chi. See it from her perspective. Another baby? That'd just be a betrayal to her first baby's memory. And yet her husband wanted this next child? The one that would feel like a replacement of her first? She must've felt stuck in the middle. Powerless."
Goku'd hung his head.
"It's not your fault," Bulma had promised. "It's just, Chi-Chi had one thing left she had power over. Her life."
Is it the same? Goku now wonders, looking over their child. Their sad, powerless son. He sees her in him, and where he thought that would make him happy, now it just makes him scared.
With all the horror in his life, has the thought of suicide been a consolation to Gohan?
"I-I…" Gohan stutters. "I… I'll beg. If I have to."
The pain will never go. He understands because when Chi-Chi died, the pain did not. It went to him instead—and Gohan would be doing the same, just bequeathing his pain.
"Please," Gohan asks of him. "Please. Just… make the wish. Please. Please."
Slowly, Goku shakes his head.
Hands rush to cover Gohan's face, and Goku senses the flickering of energy, like a flame in the wind, uncontainable and erratic. That anger is never too far away.
"If you were truly my father," Gohan forces out thickly, "You'd do this. You'd grant me this kindness. You'd give me this one simple request! You'd allow me the only thing I've asked of you!"
There's a pause, a silence that Goku doesn't want to break. "I'm sorry I've let you down again, Gohan."
"You're sorry?" Gohan pivots, quite suddenly, sending out a blast of furious energy. Goku dodges this by a fraction. "Liar! To you, I'm not even a person!" he seethes, "I am the remains of child you long ago killed! There is nothing left for you. No son. No family. No hope. I am Thirty-Two! A number! A soldier. The embodiment of the Frost Empire! A ghost! I am the ghost of a dead boy—and nothing more!"
Energy swills around Gohan, sending streaks of amber light into the blizzard. It discolours him royally; painting him in the warm tones Goku would only ever associate that with a particular transformation. Crackles contort the sky. Electricity and fire meet. Gohan is the master of both.
Behind, the Dragon watches on, noticeably quiet after talking at length earlier. Its eyes follow Gohan's further descent into fury.
"You won't be able to defeat me," Goku says anyway. "This is meaningless. This fighting. All it's doing is making us stay here longer, giving this tree more of our energy, and I know you don't want to help Hailer. Not really. I know that you hate him, too. That you're good. That your heart is kind. That, by being stuck with these people, you've lived a tortured life, but you have to know, that even if you kill yourself, everything that's happened still happened. Death does not change that, son. You've gotta' think about what you can now change, what you can control."
"I control nothing," Gohan whispers scathingly.
And then he charges a fist towards Goku, even faster than before. Goku isn't able to avoid it, taking the hit. His lip splits, and his left eye aches. Immediately, he's on the back-foot. For a time, Goku continues to try to evade each attack, yet each blow from Gohan is more forceful, more desperate than the last.
After a long line of defending, Goku raises his hand, bracing himself. Gohan charges, and with one swift motion, Goku redirects the blast of energy, using his own ki to push the Gohan back.
The force sends Gohan tumbling.
If anything, Gohan seems to be becoming stronger. He has to end this.
That's when a loud whirring catches his attention from high above. A glowing spec from the sea of stars blossoms into something more, into what Goku would come to recognize as dangerous. A ship, he realizes.
And from it, emerges none other than Hailer himself.
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Yes, it's short, and I stared at it, wanting more to flow but this is just where the chapter naturally ends. So... *shrug*. I've just gotten back from a trip to Malaysia (what a great country btw) so I plan to do a bit more writing before work starts up! See you on the next one!