" That's none of your business! Now if you'll excuse me, I'm off to find a more polite person to dance with. " That's what Vivian wanted to say. What actually came out of her mouth was a series of strangled gurgling noises.

"Eww, gross! You tricked me!" Apparently, having every eye in the club on him only egged Boorad on.

" Y-You asked to dance with me ..." Vivian was shocked she could make her voice work at all. She couldn't keep herself from glancing at the surrounding crowd. From a rational viewpoint, she knew that she wasn't anything special, and people had better things to do than stare at some random girl. The vast majority of the clubgoers ignored Boorad's outburst and went back to drinking and dancing. The problem was, Vivian's social anxiety didn't care what her rational viewpoint had to say. The handful of snickers the outburst had earned from the crowd was more than enough to twist Vivian's stomach into a pretzel.

Even worse, a couple people even came forward to Boorad's "defense."

"Hey, Boorad, is this guy bothering you?" One of them was a Toad who'd buzzed the sides of his mushroom cap to appear tougher.

"Nah," said Boorad, "he just almost tricked me into dancing with him. What a creep."

Vivian had to resist the urge to cast a Fiery Jinx on herself.

"Ah, it's one of those people." One of Boorad's defenders turned out to be the club's DJ himself – an orange, baritone Yoshi with eyes hidden behind a super edgy black-and-red visor. "A boy is a boy. You can't say you're actually a girl."

"I identify as a Koopa Clown Copter!" The Toad burst out laughing at his own joke.

"T-That's not..." The words caught in her throat. What was Vivian supposed to say? What combination of words could make these people understand? They hadn't felt that creeping sense of wrongness as they grew up. They hadn't felt that relief when you finally dress out, and for the first time, it all goes away and you're you. They didn't have nightmares where Beldam takes away all your girl clothes and forces you to cut your hair. No. These people could never be made to understand that. There was no point trying.

Beneath her bangs, Vivian's eyes were trembling. Nope, nope, don't you dare cry in front of these jerks. If Vivian cried in front of them, she was going to hate herself forever. She frantically skimmed the crowd, but Goombella had long ago vanished from sight.

But Vivian was so fixated on the crowd, she missed the voice right behind her: "She's with me, actually."

"Wha-?" It wasn't Goombella, but another woman. A dinosaur with saturated pink scales and a red bow on her head. Vivian might have thought she was a Yoshi if not for the gaping, tube-shaped hole that served as her mouth.

"We'll just get out of your hair." Next thing Vivian knew, the dino's claws were on her shoulders, ushering her away.

"Yeah, get outta here!" Boorad called after them. "And don't even think about trying to get those free drinks. I'm warning the bouncer about you."

One hex. One hex from Vivian, and these jerks would be running for the hills – but she couldn't get herself kicked out yet. Not before she found the Crystal Key. Besides, her magic would set off the sprinklers, and then people would be really unhappy with Vivian.

The moment they were out of earshot, the dinosaur released Vivian. "Sweetie, what are you doing here all by yourself?"

Vivian stammered out some explanation along the lines of, "I- I was with my friend, but we got separated."

"Well, be more careful." The dinosaur was surprisingly articulate considering the top and bottom of her tubular mouth couldn't touch. It sounded more like her mouth was a megaphone, and the noise came from within her skull. Vivian didn't wanna think about that anatomy too hard. "This is a rough place. Don't leave your cola unattended, you get me?"

Vivian nodded obediently until the dino-woman seemed reassured enough, and then she vanished back into the crowd.

Alone again, Vivian drifted off the dance floor. She wished she could've drifted off this plane of existence. Countless eyes darted the other way as she passed them. Vivian buried her face even farther beneath the rim of her hat. As soon as the quest for the Crystal Keys was over with, she was never leaving her bedroom again.

But then suddenly, every eye that'd been pretending not to stare at Vivian shot towards the stage. Huh, what? Vivian couldn't help but move her attention to the stage, too, and then plant her purple butt in the chair of the nearest table. She welcomed the distraction, really. From the sheer volume of whistles and catcalls that filled the club, you'd think the heavens were about to open up, not the curtains. Apparently, those apes had finished their musical number, and it was time for the next performer to start.

A spotlight shone upon the center of the curtains… and then came the singing:

" You had plenty quarters,

Nineteen eighty-one ."

From behind the curtain, out stepped a single, shapely leg. And then, in one synchronous action, the band kicked in, the curtains flew open, and out stepped a figure that left the audience in silent awe.

" You went to the arcade.

It was lots of fun ."

That smooth, flawless skin. Those full, round lips. Those legs. That sparkling dress hugging her pudgy, pink body. One thing was for sure – She was far prettier than Vivian could ever hope to be. It was her! The dino-woman!

" Why don't you do right,

Like the plumber men do? "

The singer turned sideways as she strutted, revealing her bare back to the crowd, not a hint of shame on her face.

" This joystick here- " One of the fans had gotten a bit too close to her stage. A casual kick from her heel sent him flying. "- lets me be player two ."

Vivian had to force her jaw shut.

" Now if you are prepared,

Take me to your place. "

Vivian nearly did a pratfall. The stage jutted out towards the dining area, and the singer was strolling down it… straight towards her!

"Get ready to receive,

Some egg on yo' face. "

At one of the nearest tables, a Koopa Troopa had risen out of his seat. The singer coolly placed a hand over his head and pushed him back down, her singing uninterrupted.

" Why don't you do right,

Like the plumber men do? "

The club's owner had helped the singer descend off the stage, and then in one silky movement, the singer slinked behind the owner to massage his shoulders.

" This joystick here,

Lets me be playerr two ."

And then the unthinkable happened. The singer took notice of the cowering Vivian and glided towards her. Vivian was far too paralyzed to object. The singer, hand on her hip, met the eyes hiding beneath Vivian's curly pink bangs.

"This joystick here... "

By the time the singer had seated herself on Vivian's lap, her lips moving ever so closer, Vivian's brain had turned into noodles.

" -lets me be player two. "

At the last possible second, the singer grabbed Vivian's hat and playfully shoved it into her face. Vivian hurried to return the hat to its proper place, blushing, only to realize that the singer had used that time to move behind her. And now for the showstopper...

" Why don't you do riiight? "

The crowd roared as the singer spread herself across the stage, showing off every last inch of her legs.

" Like the plumber mehhh-n… "

And then, in a quick motion, she was leaning towards Vivian again.

" -dooo? "

Before Vivian could so much as flinch, the singer had grabbed her by the shoulder and tugged until the two's lips were mere inches apart, all the while holding the final note of the song. Then the singer slinked backwards, taking one last look at Vivian as she strutted off towards center stage. She was still holding the " oooooo " as the curtain fell.

The applause was deafening.

" Whoo! We love you, Catherine! "

" Anyone who says you're past your prime is a LIAR! "

" I'll see you in Subcon, Catherine, because YOU'RE IN ALL MY DREAMS! "

The only silence in the entire nightclub emanated from Vivian. Beside herself with shock, she turned back to the dance floor. There were eyes on her again, but for an entirely different reason.

Vivian deemed this a good time to shrink into her Shadow Veil.

" What did you say to me, you lanky twit? Do I LOOK like a guy in drag to you? "

Meanwhile, back at the cola bar, the bartender had gotten himself into a heated argument with a certain turtle.

"Well..."

"I'll have you know I'm the youngest and most beautiful Magikoopa in the entire Koopa clan!" The Koopa pushed her triangular glasses up her nose as her wrinkled face contorted with rage. You might not have been able to tell she was a turtle with her telltale shell hidden beneath her purple witch robes.

"Alright, alright, I'm-a sorry about that." Finally, the bartender caved in and handed her a glass of uncensored Chuckola Cola. "Some Boo just-a wah -rned me that there's a crossdresser trying to steal-a some free drinks, that's all."

The Magikoopa made an indignant sniff as she accepted her glass. "Lord Bowser never gives me assignments anymore," she muttered to herself. "Ever since Mario and his stupid friends beat us at the Palace of Shadow, His Aloofness has totally forgotten I exist!" She took another swig. "And now stupid Kamek's stolen my job… I'd like to slap him with a flip-flop… Or better yet, I'd like to slap around those stupid members of Mario's party. But alas, I'm sure Mario has forgotten about his one-time party members by now, just as His Forgetfulness has forgotten about me. We'll probably never see those little twerps ag-"

" Dat's … Dat's Camel Koopa! " Kammy was interrupted by a random Goomba chick stumbling up, an empty cola glass floating beside her, and attempting to read her Tattle Log. " She'sh an evil old snitch who's always helpin' Bow Wow out. Max Eyyy Points ish fitty, Attack ish 5, and Defense ish purple. " She ended up letting her glass shatter on the ground so that she could try and give Kammy a big hug, despite the total futility of that action from an anatomical standpoint. " Hey, I- I really feel for you, Camel. Havin' to hang out with Bow Wow all the time… You're my besht friend. I love you. "

"Get off me, you basic frat girl!" Kammy wasted no time pushing the Goomba away. "Wait a minute. You look familiar."

" Hey, Camel Cooties ." The Goomba seemed to be having a hard time standing up straight, and so instead she leaned against a random dude she'd found in the crowd. " Meet mah new boyfriend. Ishn't he a cutie? "

"Ahh, oui, mademoiselle, finally, you 'ave come to appreciate mah charm, no?" Said boyfriend was, apparently, a blue Doogan with a fluffy pink afro and a white disco suit.

"OUT OF THE WAY, ROMEO!" A quick hex from Kammy's wand sent the Doogan fleeing with his pink hair ablaze (" Quelle horreur! "). Then, Kammy grabbed the Goomba co-ed by the collar. "You wouldn't happen to be a friend of Mario's, would you, my dear?"

At this, the Goomba let out a hiccup. " Mario… The cutesht guy of all… I wish HE wash mah boyfriend… but I got totally friend-zoned... "

Kammy snorted. "Sheesh, he saves the princess a couple times, and every girl in the Mushroom Kingdom wants him to plunge her toilets... Wait a minute!" Behind her shiny glasses, Kammy's eyes lit up. "Mario friend-zoned you? Then you are one of his friends. And that means Mario will come save the girl like he always does." The witch let out a devious cackle. "Mario may have thwarted the Koopa clan's last five hundred eighty-seven kidnapping attempts, but this time will be different. I can feel it!"

When Vivian reemerged from her Shadow Veil, she was in a different location. Short-range shadow teleportation was one of the perks of being a shadow-person. Now she was up on The Mushy Mushroom's balcony. Alone. With the performances going on downstairs, Vivian doubted anyone else would be up here for a while. Good. She didn't think she could stand even one more pair of eyes gawking at her.

Vivian took several quick, involuntary gasps of the city's cool night air. Look, she wasn't a total ditz – Vivian knew she cried way too often, even when you took into account all the new estroplasm flowing inside her shadowy veins. For about the billionth time that day, Vivian wiped her eyes on her glove, sniffling. Beldam was right, Vivian did need to get thicker skin. But it wasn't like Vivian could simply flip a switch inside her brain and make herself stop being upset. It was so unfair…

At this rate, Vivian would never find the Crystal Key, and she'd never reunite with Goombella. Vivian was such a screw-up. She wasn't smart like Goombella or a talented singer like Catherine or… or brave like Mario. Mario . Even thinking that name made Vivian's heart hurt. She'd give anything to have him be here right now.

"Wahoo! Let's-a go!"

"Wha-?" Vivian spun towards the sound of that voice. For a wild second, she thought Doopliss had tracked her down somehow, but, no, it was a television. A small yet heavy television that still had bunny ears like something out of the stone age. Apparently, it'd been left on a nearby table for people to listen to on the balcony.

"That's right, folks, what you're seeing here is live footage taken by our own Lakitodd." Onscreen, the voice of the famous reporter Kylie Koopa spoke over an aerial shot of a massive, dark castle. It shook with each blow of the epic battle undoubtedly taking place within its walls. "Mario is locked in a life-or-death struggle with Bowser to rescue the kidnapped Princess Peach. In other news, high chance of rain this weekend..."

Vivian found herself floating towards the screen. She couldn't help but coo as she watched. Look at him go. It was like she could reach through the screen and touch that mustache. Now they were showing Mario lobbing Bowser by his tail. Vivian slouched over the table, palms on her cheeks, as she gazed at the screen. Watching Mario in action always made her feel better. But then she came on screen.

"You've saved me again, Mario!" came the voice from the TV. "How could I ever thank you…? I know! I'll bake you your own cake!" And then that woman's lips drew towards Mario's nose. Vivian flinched and shut her eyes. She could never stand that part. She'd been feeling better a second ago, but now Vivian's stomach started churning all over again. She feebly pressed the TV's power button, causing the screen to wink out. Vivian stared at her gloves. She should've told Goombella that Vivian knew exactly how she felt. But how could she? Vivian had never voiced those feelings aloud before, even when she was totally alone.

Vivian drifted away from the TV and towards the balcony's only other feature – a lone karaoke machine. Vivian's eyes squeezed shut as she thought of that gorgeous dinosaur woman. Vivian could never hope to be half as alluring as Catherine, but when she was by herself… she could at least pretend.

With a click, the machine hummed to life. A gentle piano medley filled the air as Vivian began to sing:

" Player one.

No one to play Luigi.

All alone,

I walk him to the flagpole. "

Slowly, Vivian turned around, floating across the balcony with her back to the machine.

" Without him,

I feel his mustache on me.

And when I want to play my NES,

Then he has drawn me. "

Her eyes squeezed shut.

" In world two, the brick blocks shine like Starmen,

And I think I may make the assumption,

Down the Warp Pipe, the blocks are full of gold coins.

And I can't see why you won't be my Jumpman, oh, my Jumpman! "

For a second, Vivian had grown excited, but now she again grew more subdued:

" And I know it's only on the screen.

That I'm talking to pixels and not to him.

And although I know that he's not keen,

Still I say... there's a way for us. "

She bowed her head, shoulders trembling.

" My Jumpman.

Oh, when the game is over,

He is gone.

The plumber's just a plumber. "

There was a sniffle.

" I know that,

I can't compete with his queen.

If we hooked up, we'd soon break up.

I'd end up dumped like Pauline. "

But then in an instant, the gentleness was gone, and Vivian was belting at the top of her voice as the music swelled to a crescendo:

" My Jumpman!

Now every day I'm learning,

All my life,

I have only been gaming! "

She spun in place, making a dramatic flourish with her hand.

" Without me,

His world will go on TURNING!

Revolving round some dumb princess,

Because she bakes him CAAAKE! "

The last stores of Vivian's energy had, evidently, gone into that last note. She quickly grew feeble again:

" My Jumpman...

I'm always plaaayerrr one ."

With that, the music faded out, and Vivian took a bow to her audience of none. At least… she thought it was an audience of none. Until she heard the clapping from behind her.

Vivian turned to face her applauder the way a convict turns to face the firing squad. Whoever they were, they had done the unthinkable – They'd heard Vivian's sing. Her regular speaking voice was barely passable as it was, so naturally Vivian's singing voice was indistinguishable from a ten year old boy's.

Slowly, Vivian's gaze fell upon her observer. The woman's sparkle dress had been ditched – She now wore no clothing save for a red ribbon atop her head and copious amounts of eye-shadow. No. No, no no. Of all the people who could've heard Vivian, it had to be the most gorgeous woman in the nightclub?

"Not bad, doll," said Catherine. "A bit more practice and you could be a performer here."

Vivian pulled the rim of her hat even farther over her face. Was Catherine making fun of her?

"I usually come up here after my performance to be alone. Guess we had the same idea, huh?" And now, as if Vivian wasn't flustered enough, Catherine was walking straight towards her. Catherine's snout twisted in what Vivian could only hope was her species' way of smiling. "Sorry for singling you out like that during my number. The crowd always goes wild when I go after the pretty ones."

Any hope Vivian had of regaining her composure was rapidly deteriorating.

"You got a name?"

"Vivian." As she spoke, Vivian received her free cola from the bartender. "And I heard people calling you Catherine..."

"You can call me 'Cathie.'" The dino-woman gave a wink.

"Well, nice to meet you, Cathie." Vivian took a sip of her uncensored cola – and fought the urge to spit it back out. "By the way, my friend and I are looking for mystical artifacts called the Crystal Keys. There's supposed to be one in this nightclub. You haven't seen anything like that, have you?"

Cathie shook her head, causing her snout to jiggle. "Sorry, darling, but if I do, you'll be the first to know."

"Thanks." It had been worth a shot.

"By the way," said Cathie, "who's that friend you mentioned? It looked like you were all alone when I found you."

"Oh, it's an archaeology student. She's a-"

" WORTHLESS GOOMBA! " Suddenly, the nightclub was filled with the shrill shrieks of a decrepit old woman. Vivian and Cathie spun their heads to find a Koopa pushing her way past the bouncer, back into the club. "Just my luck that you'd have some weird curse on you that keeps you from leaving," the wrinkled Magikoopa hag was grumbling. "Now if I want to keep you hostage, I'm confined to this dingy old nightclub!"

Vivian couldn't believe her perpetually-hidden eyes. That hag was Kammy Koopa, Bowser's right-hand woman. But the sight that alarmed Vivian worst of all was the magic bubble floating over Kammy's shoulder. A bubble that held a certain unconscious Goomba co-ed. "Goombella!" Vivian's brain was on autopilot. She jumped out of her seat and placed herself before the Koopa, her hands crackling with readied magic. "Let her go!"

"Well, well, well, if it isn't another one of Mario's fangirls." Kammy let out a cackle, readying her wand for some magic of her own. "The only reason some amateur witch like you got the best of Lord Bowser and me last time is because your party ganged up on us. But it looks like you're all alone this time. What a pity."

Vivian's fists tightened. Kammy was right. Their last fight had been a close one even when Vivian had a full party.

"No, she isn't!" Vivian flinched at the sound of a voice behind her. She spun around to find a certain pink dinosaur at her side. Cathie shot Vivian a wink. "I've always got my sisters' backs."

Cathie joined your party!

"Are you sure?" Vivian frowned at her. "I know Mario makes it look like a pushover, but the Koopa clan is actually very dangerous."

"Trust me, sweetie, I can hold my own in a fight."

And with that, the world around them transformed into a stage. Vivian and Cathie stood at stage right while Kammy took stage left, with the bubbled Goombella hovering behind her. The stage's scenery was painted to look like the nightclub's interior, and the audience was packed to the brim with cheering clubgoers. Kammy started the fight by hopping onto her trademark broomstick with pink-tipped bristles.

"I won't let you hurt my friends!" Vivian popped out of Kammy's shadow to smack Kammy with a Shade Fist, knocking the old hag onto her butt and causing her broomstick to fade away. The attack had done five damage, but without Goombella's Tattle ability, Vivian had no way of knowing Kammy's total HP. It was unnerving not knowing if their attacks were doing massive damage or merely adding another drop to the bucket.

"My turn!" Next, Cathie used her Egg Shoot move, firing a barrage out her snout to deal another five damage to Kammy.

"That how it's gonna be, eh?" With a swish of Kammy's wand, a cloud of shapes barrelled into Vivian.

" Agh. " She was knocked across the stage to the horrified gasps of the crowd. "She's too strong!" Could they really beat her without Mario here? Vivian flipped through her party's Items menu, but there was nothing in there but some uncensored cola and a Dried Shroom. "There's one thing I can do, at least." This time, Vivian aimed her Shade Fist at a new target – the bubble. Vivian emerged from the bubble's shadow, elongating her tendril so that she was tall enough to give the bubble a good whack. It popped instantly, sending the Goomba tumbling down to the stage. "Goombella!" Vivian was at her friend's side in a heartbeat.

" Viv? Ugh... " Goombella allowed herself to be cradled in Vivian's arms. "My head is killing me… which is basically, like, my entire body."

"Are you hurt?"

"I'm okay. I..." The memories seemed to flood back to her all at once. "I'm so sorry, Vivian! I should never have wigged out and ditched you like that!"

Vivian managed a reassuring smile. "It's okay, Goombella, I understand. But let's worry about that later."

"Hurry up over there!" called out Kammy from across the stage. "I know this combat is turn-based, but this is getting ridiculous."

Her voice, though, drew the attention of the clubbers in the audience: "Hey, that must be the weirdo crossdresser Boorad warned us about!"

"Eww! Get outta here, gross old man!"

"Wha-?" Kammy didn't have time to process this before a rock smacked her face. Its trajectory led back to the audience. "But- But I-" More rocks came her way, and the old Koopa was all but forced to run to the safety of backstage.

"She's hiding backstage?" said Goombella. "Is that allowed?"

But Vivian ignored her friend and darted after the woman. "Kammy?" She found Kammy huddled behind the pulley that opened and closed the curtains. "Are you okay?" You might have thought that asking after the person trying to kill you was counterproductive, but that thought had not occurred to Vivian. Not in the slightest.

"I- I'm wearing my cutest witch hat and robes." From the far off look on her face, it was unclear if Kammy had even noticed Vivian's presence. "I even got my hair done to go clubbing. Sure, I'm getting up there in years, but how… how could they think…?"

Vivian placed a hand on the turtle's arm. Kammy seemed to allow it. Vivian opened her mouth, but she didn't know what to say.

But Cathie sure did. "This place attracts skeevy dudes looking to pick up 'babes,'" she said as she joined the group huddle. "Why do you think they need to lure women here with free drinks? Severe shortage. Those guys think this space is theirs – and the only women here should be the ones they want."

"Gross." Goombella caught up with them and joined in, too. "Why did I wanna be here again? This place sucks."

"People like that hurt all of us, no matter what 'sides' we're on." Cathie extended a hand to Kammy. From one reptile to another. "Truce?"

Finally, Kammy acknowledged the others' presence with a slow nod.

"And for what it's worth," Cathie added, "you look great."

Instead of taking Cathie's hand, Kammy's own hand went into her robes. It came back out clutching something shiny and crystalline – a crystal key! The Emerald Key, to be exact. "I found this while studying the Thousand-Year Door," said Kammy. "I was going to give it to Lord Bowser to regain his favor, but I'm sure you goody two-shoes need it for some quest. I know how these things go. Take it." She turned away, dramatically hiding her face in her shoulder while her other arm extended the key. "Before I change my mind!"

The key was allowed to be traded from the turtle's claws into Vivian's gloves. Vivian smiled at her.

For the briefest of moments, Kammy returned the expression. But then she turned away, broke the huddle, and hopped back onto her broomstick. "Now if you'll excuse me, I need to go home and eat an entire tub of ice cream." Her broom blasted off with the force of a jet engine.

With the battle over, the stage vanished, and Vivian, Goombella, and Cathie were transported back to the nightclub's regular interior. The audience had vanished, too, back to wherever they went between battles.

"Yeah! We did it!" Vivian and Cathie traded a high-five while Goombella looked on in barely disguised jealousy.

Cathie's snout had curved into what Vivian was now certain was a smile. "Like I told you, Viv, I always have my sisters' backs. Whatever it is you're going through, you're not alone."

"I..." Vivian wiped her eyes. Don't worry, they were happy tears this time. "I've got your back, too."

"Man, my head's still pounding..." Another downside of being limbless was that Goombella couldn't rub her temples. "This whole night feels like a blur… Hey, Vivian?" Vivian glanced over at the sound of her name. "I didn't say anything weird under the influence of the cola, did I?"

"Of course not," said Vivian.

"Phew! That's a load off my nonexistent shoulders." Goombella smiled and turned back away.

With that taken care of, Vivian returned her attention to the pink dinosaur in the room. "Thank you again for all your help, Cathie. I don't know what we'd have done without you."

"Aw, it's no problem, sweetheart." Cathie managed to sound both modest and totally self-absorbed at the same time. She kind of reminded Vivian of Madame Flurry, only with a considerably smaller stage presence. "Well, I'd better get back to work now. I'm not exactly The Mushy Mushroom's biggest fan, but, y'know, they're so desperate for women employees, the pay's through the roof."

"Looks like everything's worked out." Vivian traded grins with Goombella. Then, per tradition, she hoisted the second Crystal Key triumphantly above her head.

You got a Crystal Key!

END OF-

" AGH! " And then Vivian, Goombella, and Cathie were sucked into a magical portal of darkness out of nowhere.

-CHAPTER