Chapter 5
Her fingers are interlocked with Finn's. They wait silently in Dr. McCann's office for the second time in as many weeks. He enters and greets them with a neutral expression. It makes Rachel's stomach sink.
"Your numbers basically stayed the same."
"Is that good?"
"It's not terrible, but I'm not sure I'd go as far as to say 'good'."
"So what does it mean?"
"It means we will keep going with the twice a week treatments for now. Rachel, it looks like we're in this for the long haul so we're gonna schedule you for a chest port insertion. We're not waiting. I'm not taking any chances."
"And the bone marrow transplant?"
He nods. "We'll schedule you for a procedure to test your marrow soon. Then we'll start looking for a donor for you."
"And…..my odds?"
"Rachel, stop worrying about the odds. They're low. They're always going to be low. Just focus on fighting this and let me focus on your odds, okay?"
Rachel gets the feeling that that means her odds dropped further and he doesn't want to say. She knows he said her odds would only drop if her numbers dropped and they stayed the same, but…..they stayed the same despite four treatments in two weeks. She knows that's not a good sign. It's not a terrible sign, either, at least. She decides to do as he suggests and let it go. She will focus on getting better. Still, something is bugging her. She glances nervously at Finn before asking.
"I'm going to fight. I'm not going to give up. I am going to beat this. But…..if things get worse…really worse…will you tell me with enough time that I can focus on enjoying what's left of my life?"
Beside her, Finn makes an odd sound before taking a deep breath. His free hand clenches into a fist. Even knowing it's not enough, she rests her hand over his comfortingly.
"If things become that bad, yes. I will. But I'm glad you're not going to back down from this fight."
She shakes her head and responds firmly. "I had everything I ever dreamed of at my fingertips. I won't stop fighting until I get them. And that means surviving."
Finn breathes easier.
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Finn comes home with two new oxygen tanks. One larger "home" tank and a small portable one for travel. He also picked up new masks and nasal cannulas. Rachel stares at them, feeling her stomach twist uncomfortably.
"It's just in case." Finn reminds her.
She nods without a word.
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Ana stares at her for a moment before turning to look out her office window. Rachel gives her time. Yero is lying at her feet. She had a second mild attack, so she finally agreed to have Yero wear his service animal vest and go with her everywhere. She's dreading her first moderate attack.
"Okay." Rachel's attention is drawn back to her agent. "How do you want the announcement to be worded?"
"Isn't it your job to figure out?" She asks in confusion.
"I'd like your input." Ana responds stiffly.
Realizing the other woman is out of her depth, Rachel takes pity on her. "Alright. It can say that I'm leaving Broadway for health reasons. It can even say that I relapsed and am battling AA for a third time."
Ana nods. "Very well. I'll try two different approaches; a professional statement or a more personal letter as though you're writing to your fans. I'll email over some sample statements of each and you let me know which you'd like to go with."
Rachel nods and leaves. On the ride home, it occurs to her that she has another resource to turn to for help with this announcement. If she doesn't like any of Ana's, she can reach out to Quinn. Her whole job is public relations; surely she'll have an idea of how best to phrase it. The more she thinks on it, the more she likes that idea. She calls her friend as soon as she gets home. Quinn instantly agrees to help and sends her several ideas within the hour. Then she reads over Ana's. In the end, she takes elements from both of them and combines them into one simple announcement. She's satisfied with it but asks Ana to hold off sending the message out.
"Why? You've already been missing from the stage for two weeks."
"Because I want to announce it myself at the benefit."
"Did it occur to you that if you announce it here first, you could get more people participating in the benefit and raise more money?"
Rachel's mind blanked out. "Um….no. That hadn't crossed my mind."
"Hudson, you're a Tony award winning Broadway star. You had fans from playing Fanny, but you have many more fans now that you've been performing as Elphaba. Many will want to contribute towards the cure or at the very least see you perform at this benefit."
"Okay. It can go out before the benefit. But I still want to tell my fellow costars in person first. That'll be soon."
And so, they scheduled the message to go out publicly (on Broadway-related sites) the following week.
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They put in the chest port two days after her appointment. She left the hospital numb and almost feeling like she has whiplash from how fast everything is happening. And how different from last time. By the time they were home, she was more alert and starting to feel the soreness from the procedure. She tried not to let the sight of the chest port dishearten her. She tried to focus on the positive; less needle pricks. But the fact that she'll have the port in for months, if not longer, is harder to shake off.
Rachel isn't sure if it's all in her mind, if her symptoms are starting up, or if she's simply depressed, but she is finding herself more tired lately. She and Finn took Yero for a jog the day before her procedure and she had to stop earlier than normal. It frustrates and worries her that she doesn't know if it's a symptom or coincidence or what. She'd like to let Finn reassure her, but he's just as worried and uncertain. She thought they could deal with it together, but he's been a little more physically distant this week. Her husband has been loving and supportive and yet….for the past few days he's been less physically demonstrative. In the bedroom. He'll hug her, cuddle her, kiss her, hold her hand, and rub her back. But they haven't made love in almost a week. The one time she tried to initiate it, he'd gently redirected her, making it a long make out session instead. Figuring he just wasn't in the mood, she'd backed off and not pushed the matter or even discussed it with him.
Now, however, she recalls how he refused to make love to her the last time she was sick. That won't do. Not at all. She decides to take matters into her own hands. Rachel shoves Finn down onto their couch and straddles him. She presses a finger into his chest and glares at him.
"The last time I was sick, you refused to have sex with me because you wanted our first time to be special, and not have any of my symptoms ruin the experience and make me feel guilty. And you were afraid it'd overtax me. But now we're married. We've had sex many, many times. While it's still special every time, it's not new to us. It's how we connect and feel close to one another. You will not stop making love to me while I'm sick. If I'm not feeling up to it, I'll let you know. We will both need our connection to get through this. Got it?"
He nods vigorously.
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She'd wanted to tell her fellow cast members about being sick before she had the chest port inserted and before she had to have Yero with her at all times. The last time she saw them, she was apparently completely healthy and full of energy. Now, about two weeks after being gone, she's coming back with a chest port, a service dog, and announcing her relapse. She knows they're going to be shocked. Everything is happening so fast. Last time things happened fast in her life it was all the good things coming at once. Now it's all bad things.
Kevin called for a morning meeting. It's common, so nothing about it will alarm her fellow cast members. She got there first and spent a few minutes updating her director. The others begin trickling in and react happily upon seeing her. They all smile and welcome her back. Some even hurry over to hug her and ask if she's feeling better. She deflects those questions expertly, turning it around on them by asking how they're doing. She was deep in discussion with Ashley and didn't notice Jesse come in until she was suddenly lifted into the air.
"I've missed you!"
She laughs and hugs him after he sets her down. "I've missed you, too."
"You must have been pretty sick to be out this long." He says, his face falling into concern. "Did y—"
He's cut off, his eyes no longer on her. Now, his eyes are on Yero. Rachel sighs. This wasn't how she wanted to tell him. Jesse, more than anyone else here, knows what Yero's presence most likely means. Rachel tries to smooth it over.
"Jesse—"
Jesse points to the dog. "Why's Yero here, Rach? Why's he wearing his service animal vest?"
Everyone else who's already present pauses whatever they were doing to watch curiously. Rachel opens her mouth to answer, but words fail her. She closes her mouth. Jesse's face slowly falls.
"Rachel?" From his tone, she knows he's already figured it out. And this is what she came here to tell everyone. Still, she can't speak. Instead, she slowly shakes her head. The moment it sinks in is obvious in his eyes. He steps closer and pulls her into a warm hug, holding her close. "I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry."
She hugs him back, uncomfortably aware of how silent the rest of the room has become. She continues to hide in Jesse's arms until she feels ready to face everyone. "Thanks, Jesse."
"What's going on? What's wrong?" Ashley asks with a frown.
Rachel glances to Kevin. He does a quick head count, then nods. They're all here. She moves so she's standing before all of them. It makes her think of all the times she'd stand before her friends in the choir room to make some sort of announcement; usually regarding her health. That thought comforts her and she relaxes a little.
"I'm sorry I haven't been here in so long. It was definitely not my intention. Kevin told you I was sick. That….was mostly accurate. And it's what I asked him to tell you. The full truth is that I relapsed. For those of you who don't know, I was diagnosed with a rare blood disease when I was fourteen. I fought it for about four years, but I've been in remission for five years. And now I've relapsed."
"I'm sorry, Rachel." Ashley is the only one other than Jesse who knows more than the basics. They've talked enough about their pasts to get to know one another. It came up. So did the benefit, which Ashely thought was awesome.
"I'm sorry as well, but I'm also confused. Is it serious?" Don asks.
"Yeah, what exactly is it?"
Rachel gives them the basics. Seeing their faces morph from confusion to horror tells her they understand how serious it is. She tells them a little more about her relapse and why she's been out.
"So….that's it?" Ashley asks in horror. "You can't perform anymore?"
Her lips tremble but she pulls herself together. Now isn't the time to fall apart. "I can't. If I just had aplastic anemia, I could still perform. I'd probably have to cut back on how many performances I do a week, but I could still perform. But I have Danton's. These attacks come out of nowhere, which is why I have Yero here to alert me if he senses one coming. They're extremely painful and I can't keep talking, singing, or even standing on my own once one hits. These attacks are why I can't perform anymore. I hate it so much."'
She couldn't help but add that final statement, and with it a wayward tear that she quickly wipes away.
"That's awful!"
"I'm sorry."
The support comes in instantly. She accepts more hugs and hand squeezes. Her fellow cast mates express their disappointment at her not performing with them anymore. It was a whole cast and crew meeting, so the stagehands and other workers give support as well. Marcus, who worked with her on Funny Girl and even saw bits of previous benefits, hugs her the longest.
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Dear Friends, Fans, and Colleagues,
I hope this message finds you well. I am writing to share some personal news that has been both unexpected and challenging for me. Recently, I was diagnosed with a rare blood disease called Danton's Aplastic Anemia that requires immediate treatment. While this news has been difficult to process, I am committed to focusing on my health and recovery.
As a result, I will be stepping back from my performances for the time being. This decision was not made lightly, as the stage has always been my home, and I cherish every moment spent with you all. I am grateful for the love and support I have received throughout my short career, and I hope to return to the spotlight stronger than ever.
I want to extend my heartfelt thanks to the incredible cast and crew of Wicked, who have been wonderfully supportive during this time. I look forward to the day I can rejoin you on stage.
In the meantime, I appreciate your understanding and support as I navigate this journey. Please keep me in your thoughts, and know that I am fighting this battle with all my heart.
With love,
Rachel Hudson
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Jesse, who had been very upset when she told him about her relapse, has been checking in with her the past few days. As much as she appreciates it, it also hurts to know he's still playing Fiyero with a different Elphaba. For now it's her understudy. Soon it'll be her replacement. She'd been doing so well lately with handling everything that she's embarrassed that she got upset in front of Jesse when he was visiting.
"I'm sorry. Ignore me." She says, quickly drying her eyes with a shaking hand.
"No one can ignore you." Jesse responds kindly, handing her a tissue. "And you have every right to be upset. If me visiting is making things worse, just tell me to leave. I'll understand."
"It's not you. I'm just….jealous. And upset. I want to keep performing so badly. I loved playing Elphaba and it hurts that I may never get to again. And it was fun playing opposite your lead."
"It was fun." He agrees.
"It was so sudden, you know? Everything was going amazingly and then I blinked and it all went to hell. It's all over. You know what I mean."
He stares at her thoughtfully, nodding. "Yeah. That was a sudden end. You didn't get closure or anything."
"That's a good way to put it, I guess. No closure. It's like I didn't get to say goodbye, you know?"
He has a look on his face that she can't define. "I do know."
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She was not expecting a call from her director. Ever again, to be honest. She figured if they ever spoke again it'd be her reaching out to him to tell him she is well enough to perform again. She listened as he brought up an idea Jesse had shared with him and Kevin had loved and agreed with.
"You deserve to get to say goodbye to Wicked, for now. And your fans deserve to get to say a temporary goodbye to you while you focus on getting better. That way they can be waiting eagerly for your triumphant return."
For the first time since her third diagnosis, Rachel's tears were happy tears.
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Rachel had forgotten how badly mild attacks hurt, but their frequency upon return are keeping the memory fresh. She hates how frequent they already are. She really should have taken the time to reflect on the pain of a moderate attack. Maybe then it wouldn't have been such a shock when the first one hit. They'd been cleaning up after dinner when Yero had suddenly started barking and running up to her. Finn just managed to get the salad bowl from her hands. Then, holding the salad bowl in one hand, caught her with the other.
The intensity of it took her breath away. She truly forgot how much they hurt. Finn cradled her against his chest on the kitchen floor and rocked her, reminding her to breathe. She was glad how calm he stayed, because she was freaking out. One of her hands stayed pressed to her chest while her other hand gripped his arm as tight as she could. She gasped and whimpered, struggling to get in air. The stabbing pain in her chest goes on and on, turning her vision white. She clenches her eyes shut and focuses on breathing. When it finally ends, she sags against her husband. She's too tired to even really cry. Her cheeks are wet from tears of pain that slipped out, but now she simply appreciates that the pain is over. Her breathing is still ragged. Finn gives Yero a command and the dog drags over the oxygen tank. The feeling of a nasal cannula being placed on her is so disturbingly familiar that she flinches.
"You need it. You're still not breathing normal."
She's not. She tries to remember if this is how they were before, but it's been five fucking years. She doesn't recall all of the details anymore. And in her second diagnosis, while her other symptoms were worse, her attacks were less frequent. She truly can't recall and is too tired to try. Finn carries her to the couch and pulls a blanket over her. She's shivering. She'd been too tired to notice at first. She falls asleep quickly.
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The salad bowl is still sitting on the kitchen floor. He ignores it. Finn stares at his wife sleeping on the couch and rubs a hand over his face. He'd called Dr. McCann. While the attack didn't last five minutes and she kept breathing and he knows that falling asleep after is normal, it still seemed to affect her more than he remembers. Not that he remembers every detail; it's been five years. Still, watching her, it seemed rough for her. So, mildly panicking, he called the doctor. The man had been understanding but explained that with Rachel's "cracked foundation" it is reasonable for her body to struggle to handle attacks as well as it did years ago. Finn vaguely recalls that being the reason why her one and only severe attack during her second diagnosis caused her heart to stop; her body wasn't able to handle it as well.
Weakened.
She is weakened. It makes him sick to his stomach. She has been a fucking pillar of strength and health since going into remission five years ago. Even just a few weeks ago….but no. If he really thinks about it, she'd started to tire more about a month ago. He'd debated suggesting she take an extra day off to rest but held his tongue because he saw how much she was enjoying herself. So, just over a month ago she was strong and healthy. And now he's vividly reminded of how much her two battles with Danton's AA damaged her body. She hasn't appeared weak in years. It's like the last five years of health and strength didn't matter; it was all wiped out in a heartbeat.
He hates this. For her sake and for his. He hates this. He hates that this is going to be their life for a while. Finn prays it doesn't last long. He hopes it's not another almost two year battle. And if it is, he hopes to God that he can give her some of his strength to keep her going through it.
He grabs his phone and texts his brothers, letting them know that the moderate attacks have begun. And that they're rough. His heart warms when they both enter the apartment minutes later. They each take a moment to kiss Rachel's cheek before sitting with Finn and letting him vent. He appreciates it. He needed it.
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Finn debated calling Dr. McCann again the next day, but Rachel talked him out of it. Finn pointed out how lethargic and tired Rachel was after her moderate attack; even the next morning. She'd slept a lot. She slept for hours after her attack, woke up to watch a tv show with him, then they went to bed. She'd stumbled through her evening routine, shortening it as much as she could so she could get to bed faster. She slept in in the morning and was still tired and slow moving. Rachel had shrugged.
"There's no point calling Dr. McCann, Finn. Either my numbers dropped and my symptoms are getting worse already or moderate attacks will wear me down more. It might even be that this first attack was hard because it's been so long since I had one. My body isn't used to dealing with these anymore, so it took longer to recover. Let's just wait until my next appointment, then bring it up."
He'd reluctantly agreed. She's right, after all. It could be any of those and there's really nothing they can do about it but wait and see. His bigger concern is that the benefit is in a few days. He's relieved his school year is over and he can spend the summer taking care of his wife. He'd told his principals, and Paul, about her relapsing. They'd all been sympathetic. But now the school year is over and he can focus on her. And at the moment, it means making sure she doesn't overdo it at the benefit. She'd given him an annoyed look when he'd mentioned it.
"I'm not a teenager anymore."
"But you're still stubborn."
"But I'm smarter about it." She'd retorted with a glare.
He realized she was right and apologized. He knows she'd never do anything that would be detrimental to her health. She learned her lessons the hard way as a teenager.
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Kurt frowns while watching his sister. They're on the plane to Ohio and she's sitting next to Blaine, the two of them deep in conversation about songwriting. Finn was right; he'd told them she has had less energy since her attack yesterday. It's not obvious, but they caught the little signs. It's in how she moves a little slower and sits more than usual. Rachel is obviously aware of it but she's keeping her head up and a smile on her face. She doesn't seem stressed about it, just disappointed. They take their cue from her and try not to stress about it, but it's hard. Kurt really hopes she's just struggling to shake off the aftereffects of the attack and that this isn't how things will be. This is too soon for her to be this tired. She'd been fine. Until she suddenly wasn't. While they all agreed she was tiring more lately, it'd been nothing concerning. She was busy with her show. It was understandable at the time. Now, they're questioning it.
As predicted, her Ohio family fought over who would get to pick them up from the airport. For the past five years, they were all happy to and all offered to. But now that they all know she's sick again, they all want as much time with her as possible. Kurt understands that. He's been making excuses to spend more time with her, too. As much as Aunt Shelby wanted to be the one to come pick them up today, Grandpa Chris and Nana won that battle, pointing out that they haven't seen her in person since before being told of her relapse. They talked on the phone, but that's it so far. So they are the ones waiting for them. The men hang back, letting the grandparents hug their granddaughter warmly. Unsurprisingly, the hugs last longer than usual. And after, her grandmother doesn't release her but keeps an arm around her. Rachel simply smiles at her grandparents in understanding and allows them to dote on her. They spend a little time at their house so that they can see her aunts, uncles, and cousins. That was hard. The adults are upset, angry, and very worried. Scared, even. They all are. But her younger cousins are just teenagers. They're terrified. When Dylan hugs her gently, Rachel shakes her head and hugs him really tight.
"I'm not gonna break that easily, Dyl." She tells him. "And I don't mind bruises when they come from hugs."
Kurt expected Oliver, who is even more protective of Rachel than his brother is, to be just as gentle and tentative. Instead, he throws himself at Rachel. She catches him and hugs him back just as tight. When his face starts screwing up with the effort of holding back his emotions, she wraps an arm around him and leads him to the kitchen table. The others follow.
"Hey, I'm gonna be okay." He nods fiercely. "Now, your school year ended a few days ago, right? What've you been doing since then?" She asks, trying to pull him into a casual conversation.
Though it starts haltingly, Rachel manages to get both of her younger cousins to relax and fall into a normal conversation with her and the other adults. It's only after the teenage boys are back to their normal selves that the adults gently steer the conversation to Rachel's relapse. Kurt listens as she calmly explains that she now has a chest port and will be continuing the twice a week treatments. She tells them that they'll be doing a bone marrow transplant if she drops to stage two. Finn brings up that moderate attacks have begun, but Rachel makes it clear that the only other symptom that's truly bugging her is tiredness.
"And even that's not too bad yet, so can you all relax a little?"
Kurt chuckles at her family's attempts to hide their eye rolling. Oliver is squirming in his seat.
"It sucks that I only got to see you as Elphaba once."
Rachel gives him an appraising look. "Wanna see me as Elphaba one final time?"
Everyone straightens up. "What?"
She shrugs lightly. "I was gonna wait until the benefit tomorrow to bring it up, but I'll let you all know first. My director called me. Jesse told him how upset I was about how leaving Wicked was so abrupt and that I didn't get any closure. Kevin decided that my fans and I both deserve some closure, so we will be setting a date in a few weeks for my official final show. I will get to perform one final time in a….." She hesitates, but then lifts her chin and goes on. "…in a goodbye performance." Seeing the looks on the teen's faces, she amends her statement. "As in, goodbye to Wicked for now. Until I'm better and can return to the stage."
"Can we go, Mom?" Oliver instantly asks.
"Of course. Assuming there's tickets available."
Rachel nods. "The people who already have tickets can keep them, but will be given the message that they are allowed to return them if they don't want to see my final show. Uh….there's a good chance it'll be emotional and Kevin knows this. He's letting all of my family and friends come, though you may have to stand against a wall."
"That's fine." Dylan says. "We can stand."
"I wasn't kidding, though, guys. I'll most likely be pretty emotional at this performance. It'll be my final performance for at least a couple months, but probably longer. There's a good chance I will cry. And Kevin told me that it'll be a more….casual….performance, with the focus being having fun instead of putting on our best show ever. It'll be more relaxed and playful to counter the emotional side of things. So if you go, you have to be prepared for me to cry and for it to not be like the professional show you've seen before. Are you okay with that?"
"Yes!" The boys chorus.
Rachel looks to her aunt and uncle uncertainly. They look just as uncertain, but Kurt knows there's no way in hell they'd stop the boys from being there. They nod.
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Shelby pulls Rachel into her arms and releases a long breath. She always misses her daughter and is always excited to see her. But now that she's sick again, she's back to feeling desperate to spend more time with her. Scott has been helping her work through it and talking to Rachel every day helps, too. But nothing beats having her kid in her arms. Finn told her about the moderate attack. It pains her to know her daughter is suffering again. And it worries her how exhausted Finn said she was after; and for how long after. It's not a good sign. The thing that's making this so hard for Shelby to handle is that she had finally accepted the fact that she wouldn't have to bury her daughter. She finally allowed herself to relax and be happy with the knowledge that Rachel was healthy and fine and would outlive her. To have her greatest fear brought back to life so abruptly has shaken her. She's back to seeing a therapist, who is helping.
"How are you?"
Her kid gives her a knowing smile. "I'm good. But hungry. Do you want help with dinner?"
"Of course."
"Great! Let me freshen up and I'll be down to help."
Shelby stops her son-in-law before he can follow his wife up the stairs. "Is she actually good?"
"You've gotta start trusting her, Mom. She's an adult now. This isn't like when she was a teenager trying to hide everything to not stress us out. I promise."
"I know, I just—"
"You worry and could use some reassurance. I get it. But she really is fine. She might go to bed early, but that's it. But please don't suggest it if she doesn't."
"I won't. Thank you, Finn."
He kisses her cheek before heading upstairs. Shelby takes a long breath and finds her husband watching her with a knowing smile. She nods. Finn is right. She needs to start taking Rachel at her word when she says she's fine. Shelby will never stop worrying about her, but she can ease off the interrogations and not push.
Later, while making dinner with Rachel, mother and daughter are able to have a good, relaxed, conversation. Rachel shares a new recipe with her that she's excited to try and asks about the renovations.
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Before going to bed that night, she talks privately with her mom while her husband and stepfather sit out back and watch Yero run around. Rachel hesitantly brings up her uncertainty over the cause of her sudden increase in tiredness.
"I honestly don't know if it's tiredness from being sick, meaning a symptom, or if it's depression. I hate not knowing what's causing it."
Her mom, sitting beside her on the couch, squeezes her leg. "It could be either of those, but there is a third possibility."
"What?"
"Honey, for the past five years you have been diving headfirst into life, charging in at full speed. You have had this unquenchable thirst for life. I know you relax sometimes, but at the same time, you have been busy and working hard and pushing yourself. And in your off time you exercise, run errands, or spend time with your loved ones. I think you've been tired, but didn't realize just how tired you were until you finally allowed yourself to stop everything and truly rest. That's when your body went 'oh, god, I'm tired and need a break'."
Rachel considers that. "I hadn't thought of it that way. I suppose it's possible."
"I think that it's also a sign that once you're in remission again and back to working, you should make time to really rest once in a while. Like, once in a while take three or four days in a row to sleep and nap and just rest."
She smiles slightly. "That's probably a good idea."
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"Sue."
The woman turns and smiles warmly. "Rachel."
The two embrace. "Thanks for not calling me 'Fanny'."
"I'll save that for later." Sue teases. Then the woman sobers. "How're you doin', kiddo?"
"Okay." She smiles. "Not thrilled, but pushing on."
"You're surprisingly calm about this."
"I wasn't at first. I spent two days falling apart. But then I remembered Kintsugi and how you helped me deal with my last relapse. It helped me handle it better this time. Don't get me wrong; I'm furious and terrified. I'm very upset about it. But I'm not letting it bring me down."
Sue's eyes crinkle with pride. "Good for you, kiddo."
She hugs Rachel again, tighter this time. They part and Sue asks the expected questions, which Rachel answers. They talk for a few minutes before knowing they need to wrap it up. The benefit is starting soon.
"You know," Sue says in a faux casual tone, "you said you're not letting it bring you down. But I'm starting to think nothing can bring you down."
Rachel's smile grows. She likes that thought. And she is amused, wondering if Sue intentionally made a Wicked reference or not.
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Mr. Schue…Will….was thrilled to see her but his expression quickly fell. She supposes she shouldn't have been surprised that he started to cry. The man is very loving and a complete sap. He cries or at least tears up frequently. But she loves him like an honorary uncle. Once he pulled himself together, he introduced her (or re-introduced her to those who already met her) to the new New Directions.
She smiled kindly at the kids and signed autographs for them when they asked. Sue and Will watched with proud smiles, though their eyes showed their new worry. Holly had hugged her tight then gone back to helping with final set up.
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It's packed. It's gotten bigger every year, but this is different. Last year they had to add extra chairs to the theater. This year, all of the extra chairs are filled and they have people standing against the walls. And, Kurt reported that the number of online viewers is higher than ever. Her mom normally starts the benefit. This year, since they're not sure if everyone watching has heard the news of her relapse yet or not, she felt it'd be best if Rachel opens the benefit and discusses it. Plus she admitted that it's still too fresh for her and she doesn't want to start crying this early in the benefit. Rachel hugged her and agreed. So now, she walks out onto the stage with Yero at her side.
"Good morning and thank you for coming. This is our biggest turnout yet; in person and online." She pauses for applause. "It is wonderful to see. And very needed, which I'll get into soon. First, I need to go through the basics."
She explains AA, Danton's, the symptoms, treatment, and basic information. Then she goes into her own personal history with AA and lightly touches on her personal experience dealing with it. She keeps it short and simple.
"This June marked the five year anniversary of me being in remission." She keeps her expression calm through the expected applause. She discussed it with her family; she did have five full years of being in remission and it is to be acknowledged, but she stands by not wanting it celebrated. So she'll let people applaud and congratulate her, but nothing more. "Yeah, it's a big milestone. And apparently my family had a huge party planned for me. But, sadly, the party isn't going to happen. For those of you who have not yet heard, a few weeks ago I relapsed. I was out walking with my husband on a warm Sunday a few weeks ago when I was suddenly hit by a mild attack. We knew immediately what it meant. I went to the doctor the next day and he confirmed it. I relapsed. I am currently stage one. Since this is my third time facing this, my odds of surviving are lower than they've ever been. I won't get into details right now because not all of my loved ones have gotten them yet. They deserve to hear it first. At the moment, I'm doing well. I get the occasional mild attack and I've had one moderate attack. But other than a few bruises, my only real symptom is being more tired than normal."
She takes a moment, allowing the audience to absorb the news and giving herself a moment to regroup.
"The first time I went into remission I had five months. It was just long enough for me to catch my breath before facing it a second time. This time I had five years. I had enough time to really live and I will always be grateful for that. I've loved my life. I've gotten almost everything I've ever dreamed of and have had an amazing time. These last five years have been the best of my life. So far." She grins. "I fully intend to go back into remission and get my happily ever after. So I will fight and I will do everything I have to in order to get better. I have a life to live and I'm not planning on leaving it any time soon."
She gets a standing ovation.
xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
Jesse surprised her by showing up out of the blue. She'd been on stage finishing up singing a duet with Kurt when he'd walked out. The song ended and she was startled to hear applause right next to her. She'd spun around and been shocked to see him.
"Jesse! What are you doing here?!"
"Supporting you! And giving a generous donation towards the cure."
"Well, thank you for that, but what I meant is aren't you supposed to be working?" She turns to the audience. "I already talked about how I played Elphaba until recently. Jesse was my Fiyero. And he's still playing Fiyero. He should be on Broadway at this very moment."
He gives a small, careless shrug. "It's not Broadway without you there with me."
While the audience "aaaw"s, Finn walks out onto stage and gives a playful glare and points to the other man. "What'd I tell you about falling in love with my wife?"
"Dude, I'm not falling in love with your wife! I promise! I mean, I love her, because you can't not love her once you get to know her. But I'm Fiyero and she's my Elphaba. The new girl is talented and all, but she's not Rachel. Rachel will always be my Elphaba."
Rachel gets a little choked up at that. While she'd known it was entirely professional, expected, and necessary for her to be replaced in her role, she felt replaced and it honestly hurt. To know that she can't be replaced in Jesse's eyes, at least in this role, is touching. Finn's playfully threatening manner drops and he smiles warmly at them before nodding and walking off. Kurt kisses Rachel's cheek, gives Jesse a quick hug, then leaves them be.
"So….I got permission for us to sing our duet."
"Really?" She's sure her face is lighting up at the prospect; she can feel it.
"Really."
The two sing "As Long As You're Mine". They've always managed to make this an emotionally charged song, but this time, the emotion is different but even stronger. They're both teary eyed by the end and hug through their long applause.
xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
Rachel loved watching the dance performance that Brittany and Mike put on. They were music in motion and had the entire audience captivated with their moves. Mercedes sang one of the songs she wrote and Rachel made a mental note to talk to her friend about recording it because it was really good. Elliot, who had reached out to her right after he saw the statement about her relapse, came and performed one of his original songs as well.
The guys rocked out to Kiss and later did a very entertaining medley of boy band music through the decades. They did something similar a few years ago, but this one is even better. The ladies did a Disney Princess medley that was a huge hit. The NY family sang another one of their a cappella medleys; this time of Mulan. It would have been great, but Rachel had a mild attack towards the end and not only had to stop singing, but also had to grab the men sitting on either side of her to stay up. Their singing came to an abrupt halt as they checked on her. They apologized to the audience, pointing out that they're still getting used to her having attacks again and are back to being overprotective. They backtracked a verse and started up again, finishing strong. There were the usual solos, duets, and group numbers from all three student teams and the adults who originated this benefit. Rachel sang the more pop version of "Defying Gravity". Finn and Rachel once again sang what they now refer to as their song, "The Anchor and the Kite". And then her husband kissed her and walked out on stage to sing his song.
"This song is called 'The Ending You Deserve'. It was mostly the title that caught my interest. I wish I could write a story that gives my wife the ending she deserves. You know, 70 years from now. The song isn't a perfect fit for our situation, but it is a good song and I made a few minor changes to it."
"Oh, I'll write a story
'Bout love and regret
That says all the things
I wish I would've said
And gives us a chance to forget
And be children again
And you'll be the damsel,
The one in distress
Who gives me a chance,
'Cause I'm trying my best
To move on with the things
That I just never seem to accept
But, dragons circle your tower
While I'm lookin' up from down below
Oh, I wish I knew how
To shoot them down
So I'll lay down my shield
And walk back down this road alone
Oh, how I wish I could go back
And just begin again
'Cause
I've been falling on my knees
And tearing out the pages
And pages of all that we were
A vacant reminder of lines
That we blurred, my love
Until I write the ending you deserve
Ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh, ooh-oh
Oh-oh
Oh, I'll write a story
That you'll wanna read
About all the times I was there
When you needed me most
And I rushed to your side,
To defend you again
And I'll be the hero,
Who'd fight for your hand,
I'll race across oceans
And fly over land
Just to hold you and tell you,
I'm sorry that I couldn't win
This battle for you
But dragons circle your tower
While I'm lookin' up from down below
Oh, now I know how
To shoot them down
So I'll lay down my shield
And pick up my magic wand instead
Oh, how I wish we could go back
And just begin again
'Cause
I've been falling on my knees
And tearing out the pages
And pages of all that we were
A vacant reminder of lines
That we blurred, my love
'Cause I just can't ignore that all the ink
Has just begun to dry
And no matter how I try
I can never just reach you in time,
So, I'll just erase and
I'll rewrite the lines, my love
Until I write the ending you deserve
Ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh, ooh-oh
Oh-oh
Until I write the ending you deserve"
Rachel meets him off stage, ready to reassure him and dry his tears. "You can't kill the dragons for me, Finn. Just hold me while I fight them off, okay?"
"Always. I'll do whatever I can so that you get the ending you deserve."
Knowing there's nothing either can promise with that, she simply kisses him.
xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
Rachel accepts the song Will hands her and looks it over. Will raises an eyebrow.
"You ready?"
"No."
Will steps closer and covers his mic. "What's wrong?"
"Give me a minute?"
"Of course."
Rachel hurries off stage and finds Finn in the choir room. "Hey, I thought you were singing. Do you need a break?"
"I took one, remember?" And she hadn't argued when they'd insisted she sit out for a while and rest, even though she hadn't felt like she'd needed it. "I was given a song request and while I know they want me to sing it, and I can, easily, I'd actually love to hear you sing it with more of a rock edge."
"Really?"
"Really. But I'm asking, not telling, because of how the song could be taken. Given our current circumstances."
Finn frowns and takes the song paper from her. He reads it and she can see his mind thinking about the lyrics. When he gets her meaning, his face droops. "Rachel—"
"It's okay. You don't have to sing it. You already sang an emotional song today. I'll sing it and make it fun." She assures him, already starting to turn away.
He catches her arm. "I'll sing it. If you want me to."
"You're allowed to say no, Finn."
"I know." He smiles. "But I'm happy to sing it."
He starts out the door towards the stage. Sam grabs her arm, stopping her from following. "Why do you want him to sing another emotional song?"
"Well, it's only emotional because I, his wife, am sick. And the lyrics could be twisted to view it that way. But also….he's cried since my relapse, but he hasn't really….let loose. I think it'd be good for him to sing out his feelings. Then, maybe, back in New York you guys can take him to a rage room or something. Help him deal."
"Yeah, sure." Sam kisses her cheek and lets her follow Finn.
She hurries onto the stage with Finn on her heels. "Hi, sorry about that. I got a song request and I know that the expectation is for me to sing it, but I'm passing it off to my husband. I love this song, it's fun to sing, but….it occurred to me that you could see the lyrics in a different way than Pink intended them that better relates to our situation and…and I felt that Finn could give it a sharper, rougher edge that could sound really good. So I asked him to sing it and he agreed. So to the person who made the request, I apologize for not singing it myself."
Finn nods. "It's a breakup song. But it's about losing someone. I'm not gonna lose my wife, but I can put that emotion into this song and I think that's what she's really looking for."
Caught, Rachel smiles slightly and kisses his cheek before walking off stage. She grabs a folding chair and sits so she can enjoy the show. Sam, curious about her plan, joins her.
"You took my hand, you showed me how
You promised me you'd be around
Uh-huh, that's right
I took your words and I believed
In everything you said to me
Yeah, huh, that's right
If someone said three years from now
You'd be long gone
I'd stand up and punch them out
'Cause they're all wrong
I know better, cause you said forever
And ever
Who knew
Remember when were such fools
And so convinced and just too cool
Oh no, no no
I wish I could touch you again
I wish I could still call you friend
I'd give anything
When someone said 'count your blessings now'
'Fore they're long gone'
I guess I just didn't know how
I was all wrong
They knew better
Still, you said forever
And ever
Who knew"
Rachel has been watching Finn closely while also enjoying his performance. Now, there's a shift in him. His expression darkens and his body starts tensing up.
"I keep you locked in my head
Until we meet again
Until we, until we meet again
And I won't forget you my friend
What happened?"
Finn finally allows himself to fall into the emotion of the song. He could lose her. She could be gone in months. Three years ago, they didn't think she'd relapse. They thought she'd get a long life after all. Three years from now? Who knows? Finn is taking that emotion and singing with a rougher voice than usual, giving his belts a bit of a growl. It becomes less of a pop song and more of a rock song with a darker tone, sharper edge, and his belts, while still sounding amazing, are more like harsh screams. The emotion in them has goosebumps rising on Rachel's arms.
"If someone said three years from now
You'd be long gone
I'd stand up and punch them out
'Cause they're all wrong
And
That last kiss, I'll cherish
Until we meet again
And time makes it harder
I wish I could remember
But I keep
Your memory
You visit me in my sleep
My darlin'
Who knew"
He walks off the stage through his standing ovation, ignoring them in favor of getting to Rachel. Seeing the look on his face and the tension in his shoulders, she stands and moves towards him. He lifts her and carries her to Sue's office where he locks the door and spends the next ten minutes making out with her before resting his forehead against her neck and breathing in her scent. It might have seemed mean, but Rachel has been worried about his emotional state and felt he needed this release. They'll talk about it back home.
xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
"I could end this on a sad note. I mean, I kind of started the benefit on a sad note. I relapsed recently. I'm fighting for my life again. There are so many songs I could sing that could break everyone's hearts and maybe move people to tears and encourage them to donate more towards a cure. But I won't. Right now, I am still in stage one. I know I already have a chest port in and I'm getting two treatments a week, which is a lot for stage one, but I still have hope. So I am ending this benefit on a hopeful note. I do still need your donations to help hurry the cure along, so please donate what you can. Not just for me, but for everyone who has, had, or may one day get aplastic anemia. It's to save us all. So the final song is a hopeful one. It's another Pink song and I did have to change a few of the words, but not many."
Rachel sings solo, but she has her friends backing her up as usual. As much as she doesn't want to, she sits on a stool for this performance. It's been a long day, even with all her breaks, and she's tired. She hates being tired but won't let it upset her. She also wants to put on a phenomenal performance. Not only is this the last performance of this benefit, but if things go very, very poorly, this could be the last time these people ever hear her sing. She wants it, and the remaining recording, to be a video they can go back and watch over and over as a testament to her courage facing this battle and never giving up. If this is her final message to her fans (and loved ones), she wants it to be a positive one that makes them smile. So she sits, lifts her head, smiles, and sings.
"I haven't always been this way
I wasn't born unhealthy
I felt alone, still feel afraid
I stumble through it anyway
I wish someone would have told me
That this life is ours to choose
No one's handing you the keys
Or a book with all the rules
The little that I know I'll tell you
When they dress you up with lies
And you're left naked with the truth
You throw your head back
And you sing in the wind
Let the walls crack
'Cause it lets the light in
Let 'em drag you through hell
They can't tell you to change who you are
That's all I know so far
And when the storms out
You run in the rain
Put your sword down
Dive right into the pain
Stay unfiltered and loud
You be proud of that skin full of scars
That's all I know so far
That's all I know so far
So you might give yourself away
And pay full price for each mistake
But when the candy coating hides the razor blades
You can cut yourself loose and use that rage
I wish someone would have told me
That this darkness comes and goes
People won't pretend but
Baby girl, nobody knows
And even I can't teach you how to fly
But I can show you how to live
Like your life is on the line
You throw your head back
And you sing in the wind
Let the walls crack
'Cause it lets the light in
Let 'em drag you through hell
They can't tell you to change who you are
That's all I know so far
And when the storms out
You run in the rain
Put your sword down
Dive right into the pain
Stay unfiltered and loud
You be proud of that skin full of scars
That's all I know so far
That's all I know so far
That's all I know
That's all I know so far
That's all I know
That's all I know so far
That's all I know
That's all I know so far
And I will be with you
'Til the world blows up
Yes
Up and down and through
'Til the world blows up
Yeah
When it's right
Or it's all messed up
'Til the world blows up
'Til the world blows up
And we will be enough
And until the world blows up
Throw your head back
And sing in the wind
Let the walls crack
'Cause it lets the light in
Let 'em drag you through you hell
They can't tell you to change who you are
That's all I know so far
And when the storms out
You run in the rain
Put your sword down
Dive right into the pain
Stay unfiltered and loud
You be proud of that skin full of scars
That's all I know so far
That's all I know so far
That's all I know
That's all I know so far
That's all I know
That's all I know so far
That's all I know
That's all I know so far
I will be with you
'Til the world blows up"
And she will. This is her promise to them. She will be with them, fighting with all her might, until their world blows up.
xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
They gather at the Hummel home the next afternoon. It would have been in the morning, but Rachel is already starting to have more mornings of struggling to wake up. They're back to planning get togethers later in the day so that she can rest as much as she needs. Finn and her parents saw how slowly she was moving this morning and it worries them. Sadly, they're all pros at handling things like this and don't make a big fuss. She never likes a big fuss being made over her being sick, so they're respecting that. Still, he knows Rachel is aware of their worry and has been trying to reassure them.
It's a beautiful, warm day so they're all sitting out on the back deck and enjoying the sunshine. They've been chatting casually for a while. Since the parents already know all the current details of her health, they hold off discussing it until later. The family has decided yet again to to go to their spot in the woods to talk later on. Right now his wife is sitting on the same deck chair as him, with her legs across his lap. He keeps one arm around her back and the other over her legs. Her hands are resting on his arm that's over her legs and occasionally caresses his skin. The conversation is casual and warm but still more subdued than usual. And if Finn has caught several sideways and lingering glances sent Rachel's way, then she's surely caught them as well. From their parents, too. Her mom and Burt have barely taken their eyes off of her since they got here. The conversation switches to the possibility of heading to Breadsticks for dinner before going to their spot in the woods. That wasn't the original plan and the parents aren't thrilled about it, but they won't stop them. They were going to eat together at the Hummel house. Thankfully they understand that the others are just as much family as them.
Finn looks down at his wife's face, trying to determine just how tired she is. She may only be stage one, but she does get tired more easily already. He doesn't want her to exhaust herself before they get to their spot for the heavy conversation they still need to have. However, he also knows she won't be happy if he makes a big fuss. Especially in front of everyone. He leans in close, whispering to her.
"What do you want to do?"
She gives him a knowing look and whispers back. "Are you really asking me if I feel up to going out?"
He grins, knowing he's caught. "Maybe."
She pecks his lips. "I'm good."
"Yeah?" He pecks her back, making her smile.
"Yeah." She returns the kiss and he feels his own smile grow. Her eyes shift slightly. "Think my mom is still watching me?"
Finn knows better than to actually look. Instead, he kisses her again. She giggles. "Probably. Should we put on a show?"
"A show?"
"Yeah, you know, be all cute and shit?"
Rachel laughs so hard that her head tilts back. Finn takes the opportunity to playfully kiss her exposed neck, working his way up to her cheek and lips. This just makes her laugh harder, and by the time he's kissing her lips she's laughing too hard to kiss him back. He hears chuckles from their friends.
"Stop being so sickeningly in love." Kurt calls over to them.
Finn's smug smile spreads across his face. Rachel rolls her eyes, though she's still grinning.
"Don't gloat."
"Don't forget you have an audience!" Puck calls over with a smirk. "You two have a habit of—"
"A habit?!" Rachel interrupts, disgruntled. "That was one time! One! That doesn't make it a habit."
Puck shrugs. "But you do always have your hands on one another."
"I'm a tactile person!" She argues.
Everyone else is watching in amusement, used to their sibling like banter that has only increased over the years. They actually got called brother and sister once when they were arguing in public. The others had laughed but Kurt had frowned and said that he's her brother, not Puck. They do look somewhat alike. More so than Kurt and Rachel.
"I know! That's why I'm reminding you to keep it PG!"
"Tactile doesn't mean inappropriate!" Red is creeping up her cheeks. Uh-oh.
Seeing that she's actually getting frustrated, Puck goes for the kill. "You don't put your hands on the rest of us like that."
Rachel's eyes widen at his insinuation. Even though everyone, including Rachel, knows he was only saying it to piss her off, she still won't let that go. Feeling her move, Finn lifts his arms so she can get up. Seeing that, Puck's own eyes widen and he stands as well.
"What, am I gonna get to—"
"You want hands on you? You'll get hands on you!"
The others burst out laughing when Rachel charges him and Puck takes off running. They run down the steps into the yard and Rachel chases him around the grass with Yero hot at their heels. It's obvious that Puck started out going slower to let her keep up, but then regretted it and actually had to pick up the pace to stay out of reach. Finn chuckles, already seeing what Rachel's plan is. Sure enough, she feints left and he goes right. She picks up her pace and gets in front of him, directing Yero to block his other path. Startled, Puck stumbles. Rachel uses that to her advantage and pushes him into the pool. He shouts as he falls, his arms pinwheeling uselessly. His hits the water with a splash and Rachel turns to them with a victorious smile. They applaud and she jokingly brushes her hands off and heads back to the others. Finn tries not to frown when she leans on the railing to get up the four steps to the deck. She plops back down on his lap and he wraps his arms around her. Puck, pouting, stomps up to the deck soaking wet. He accepts the teasing from the others with a mild glare.
"This means war." He says, pointing to Rachel.
She shrugs. "Bring it."
With his arms around her, he is holding her hands and surreptitiously checking her pulse. It seems faster than it should be after a short run, but he may be being paranoid. He pulls her a little closer and rests his head against hers. He knows she realizes she has worried him because she squeezes his hands and curls more into him. They do decide to go to Breadsticks. Puck grumbles that he needs to go home and shower and change first, half glaring at Rachel who shrugs carelessly, a smirk playing on her lips.
xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
Breadsticks was fun, mostly for the memories. When they get to their spot, they are shocked to see a "for sale" sign.
"No! If someone buys it, we can't use it anymore! This is our spot!" Tina says.
"Then lets keep it our spot." Sam suggests.
"You mean us buy it?"
"Why not? We can all chip in. That way it'll always be ours and we can do whatever we want to the and here. Hell, we can build a small cabin or something."
They get excited by that idea and spend a while discussing it. They take down the contact number of the real estate agent selling it. Only then do they turn the conversation to Rachel's health.
"Alright, Hudson. We know you relapsed. We know you're stage one and getting two treatments a week. Tell us the rest."
"At my last appointment, he said my numbers haven't moved. Even after four treatments in two weeks. So we're continuing the two treatments a week, which is why I have a chest port already."
"What about a bone marrow transplant?"
She nods. "Yeah. That'll happen as soon as I hit stage two. So we're getting ready to do the prep stuff like testing my marrow so we can start searching for a donor and be prepared."
"When can we go get tested?"
She smiles at them. "Whenever. I'm not stage two yet."
"But the sooner the better." Finn explains. "The sooner we have a donor found, the sooner we can get the transplant started if it becomes necessary. Less waiting."
The others nod and begin talking about getting tested in the next few weeks. Rachel shares the "cracked foundation" metaphor the doctor used. She also explains about her odds and everything else the doctor said. Once everyone is caught up to speed, they sit quietly for a while.
"This sucks." Mike says out of the blue. Startled, they all chuckle.
"Yeah. It really does." Rachel responds with a grin. The situation echoes previous ones they've had, which is both amusing and sobering.
"I just can't believe this is happening again." Tina comments, shaking her head.
"But at least….I mean I know it didn't last, but….you did get to be in remission for five years." Blaine says gently.
"I know. And I'm very happy about that. I've had an amazing five years."
"And you know what that means, right?" Sam asks with a grin.
"No, what?"
"Next time it'll be five decades." When everyone stares at him blankly, he goes on. "Think about it! The first time she went into remission it lasted for five months. The second time it lasted for five years. It makes sense that next time it'll last five decades."
They all laugh, amused while also liking that idea. Though they'd all prefer that she get the cure and be completely healthy, his interpretation means five more decades with her and they'd take that.
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A/N: I believe in full transparency. With that being said, for the first time ever, something in this story is not my own writing. I had ChatGPT write Rachel's announcement to fans and colleagues. I wasn't expecting it to be a letter. I asked ChatGPT to write an announcement because I had no idea what it should sound like and that's what it came up with. While I didn't want a letter format, I decided I loved it anyway and kept it. I was once accused of using ChatGPT to write my story for me (on AO3) and I truly wasn't sure if it was a compliment or an insult, but either way they were wrong. But now that I see how well the program wrote something, I'm taking it as a compliment :). I swear on my life, everything else has been my own writing.
A/N 2: On a side note, is anyone else excited for the Wicked movie?! I already bought tickets. I'm ridiculously excited! And, in perfect timing completely by accident, Rachel's final show of Wicked (with some details and some spoilers if you don't know the musical) is in the next chapter. I saw it on Broadway eight years ago and wrote it from memory and from videos I could find on YouTube. At least read a synopsis or listen to the soundtrack before reading the next chapter. As always, please review!