I've Been Loving You Too Long (Otis Redding)

While my former glee counterparts have found success and miserable failures in the last three years, I have been slaving away at school. Many professors, sorority sisters and roommates have told me that it is insane to breeze through Yale in just three years, but here I am with one semester left before graduation.

It's been a few months since I had sex with Santana, so when she texted me that she was headed home for the holiday and hoped to see me, I saw it as more than it was, even though I had a boyfriend.

I had taken Biff home with me because my parents had heard rumors about me and Santana. It wasn't until Russell met Biff that he went back to whatever hellhole he came from and left me alone.

Biff tried to sleep in my bed with me, but I made him sleep in the guest room, just in case I needed to sneak out to meet Santana.

A girl can dream.

I kept trying to get a moment alone with her, but it seemed impossible.

And then, Britt knocked on my door and begged me to help her win Santana back. It was then that I found out that Santana had a girlfriend back in New York.

I knew then that the invite hadn't been about making it a three-time thing. It crushed me that this wasn't something more, but I didn't let it get to me.

Thankfully, Puck was there to get rid of Biff and become my beard.

If there was ever a guy who understood me better than I could ever begin to understand myself, it was him. He knew that I needed the distraction.

Being there with the palpable tension between my two best friends and the beard that was Biff Macintosh, I needed Noah to shield me from my nasty habit of looking to a man to define me.

And then Brittany gave that great display of devotion. Lilies.

I even helped her set it up before running to the one person who was always there for me...maybe too much.

"Shit, Q, this isn't just a crush, is it? When did you fall in love with her." He asked as he passed the flask to me, our eyes glued to the view on the other side of the parking lot.

"Who said I'm in love?" I asked, my eyes never leaving the shake in Santana's body as she clung to Brittany's hand for dear life. I've noticed how hesitant she seems after this reunion with the supposed love of her life.

I wouldn't admit it, but seeing how terrified she looked about this reunion lit a spark of hope inside my heart.

This was her settling, I was convinced, which meant that there was little chance that San and B's relationship would last.

"Your face. I know you better than I know most chicks. I've seen the sappy, lustful gawking people do, but the way you look at Santana, that's different. I mean, I knew about Valentine's last year, but I didn't realize that it became more for you."

"Noah...please don't rehash this." I muttered before gulping down what remained of the nauseating vodka.

If I hadn't been staring, I wouldn't have caught the glance that San gave me. She smiled at me, but it looked forced.

When I smiled back, though, her face softened. I looked away just as Britt was turning our way, following Santana's line of sight.

Thank God for Puck.

"I know we aren't forever, but if you let me be yours right now," He sighed. "I can at least save you from making a fool of yourself."

"Say less." I muttered before gripping his shirt collar and pulling him into a kiss.

He kissed me until Santana and Brittany left and then held me as I wept against his chest.

How pathetic.

Because I'm apparently a masochist, when Christmas rolled around and I found out that Santana wouldn't be there, I skipped Christmas in Lima and flew to Los Angeles to be around my sister and her obnoxious family.

Santana and I were back to weekly phone calls to check in, but we never talked about how we felt about each other. Everything was surface level until she asked, "When's your spring break?"

Getting my hopes up again, I make it my mission to go back home, and thankfully, Puck is available to be there when the world tilts and that spark of hope is extinguished.

Of course, I have a hell of a poker face because no one is the wiser that Puck and I aren't truly, madly, deeply in love.

Because of Noah, no one questions me if I stare at her too long. No one wonders why I'm tearing up as I watch Santana kneel in front of Brittany just a few months after their reunion.

From where I'm sitting, the ring looks cheap, like something Santana bought at a pawn shop or maybe the mall.

Her father didn't really like Britt. If Antonio approved of this union, that ring would either be an heirloom or have more sparkle.

I can feel myself getting emotional, so I look back at Noah, and when he begins to clap, so do I.

The glance back at him is just for a split second, but it's enough for him to know just how much this proposal is breaking my heart.

I do my best to smile through it, and then Kurt does what I would never have the gull to do. He protests in front of everyone, and I can't help but comment.

Even though I'm against this travesty, I know it's not proper form to do such a thing.

At least wait for the wedding.

It's what I would have done...except I have no intention of stepping foot near their union.

For me, this is it.

Brittany won, and I will walk away from any fantasies I was holding onto of me and Santana ever making this a forever thing.

I knew there was no way I could trust myself with loving Santana anyway, not with my history of using people until I was bored of them.

My heart tells me that with Santana, it would be different, but my brain tells me that the empirical evidence isn't in my favor.

At the very least, I got to hold her in my arms.

For those few hours, I got to pretend she was mine.

I'm a Fabray; I will survive this with a smile and grace, even if it kills me inside.

I won't stop loving her, I know it, Puck knows it, and I'm pretty sure that dig of breaking the hearts of the guys and girls in the room was Santana verifying that even she knew how I felt about her.

But I had to let her go...I just wasn't sure how to do that after loving her for so long.

I'd get over it, distance myself from Santana and Brittany and learn not to care.

Maybe I'm just meant to go it alone.

Everything that I love leaves me behind.

Letting Santana go is best for everyone, especially if I want to keep her in my life, even if it's only as a friend.