Chapter Four: Bailout Motivation From Riff Raff
Capitol City Correctional Facility. A far more apropos name for a facility that was what it says it was: a prison. While it too housed some of the country's most notorious and dangerous criminals, including it being a very frequent stop for Capitol City's most infamous criminals, it wasn't as high tech and advanced as most of the prisons in the country. Instead, it kept an old school, slave plantation type of feel to it.
Inmates at Capitol City Correctional Facility, or CCCF, C3F, or Triple CF as it was known to the locals, the inmates, and a bit of the media, were monitored 24/7 at every imaginable angle by dozens of heavily armed officers who had the green light to shoot any inmate who dared to cross outside of its boundaries, which were clearly marked in red on the ground. As if that wasn't enough, any inmate who managed to dodge the barrage of bullets coming their way would have to scale a 30-foot tall fence that was barbed wired from top to bottom, all the way around.
Anyone trying to escape by air was also out of luck due to pretty much the only modern technology that CCCF had – an invisible radar detector that would disable the vital components of any aircraft should it cross its airspace, and CCCF was so far out of the way from the main portion of Capitol City that the aircraft would simply crash land on bare ground. And for that reason alone, any normal air traffic would need to either gain special permission beforehand to cross its airspace, which CCCF staff would temporarily disable its radar (mainly for Air Force One or Two), or take a slight alternate route to go around it, which many airlines opt to do.
And after the latest beatdown by Underdog, Simon Bar Sinister and Cad Lackey were both seen in a dressing room with two officers, having been fully booked.
"So we have our two famous faces here, huh?" One officer said with a long laugh.
"Yeah, fuck you too, asshole." Simon said without making eye contact with the officer.
"Hey, Simon Fuck Shitister, did I tell you to fucking speak, mother fucker?" The officer said while getting in Simon's face.
"No, but he spoke any fucking way, fucking cocksucker!" Cad replied, standing up for his boss.
"Hey! Both of you sacks of shit shut the fuck up!" A second officer ordered. "We do the fucking talking here! You speak when spoken to, understand me?!"
Both Simon and Cad shrugged and simply nodded to them both, letting out long sighs.
"Hey, assholes! That was a fucking question!" The second officer yelled. "Do you understand the words coming out of my mouth?!" He then yelled out as he was pointing at his moving lips while looking at both supervillains.
"Yes!" Simon and Cad begrudgingly replied.
"Good! Because you know it's only one phone call and we'll have Underdog give both of you a swift ass kicking!" The first officer added as Simon and Cad got out a small angry growl.
Both officers let out long growls themselves to mock Simon and Cad's growls at them, both of them getting out long laughs along the way.
"Yeah, go ahead! Growl! We'll growl with you!" The first officer said as he and the second officer continued to mock Simon and Cad with their growls for a minute or two, Simon and Cad having to take insult to injury.
"All right, we're done fucking around now." The second officer said. "Both of you strip out of your clothing except anything that is solid white. That includes the panties you both wear, no doubt."
"Hope you didn't shit yourselves while Underdog was kicking your asses." The first officer added with both officers laughing hard from each other's small jokes. "Then go take a shower and put these on." He then added as he blatantly threw orange jumpsuits in Simon and Cad's faces.
"You both have ten minutes. One second longer and there will be hell to pay. Do you both understand?" The second officer then asked.
"Yeah, sure, whatever." Simon answered with Cad simply letting out an annoyed "Yes."
The second officer made some exaggerated sniffing noises while also waving his hand in front of his face, the first officer pinching his nose as if he smelled a bad odor when in fact they were both just further humiliating the two supervillains.
"Good. Now get fucking busy. You both smell like budussy." The second officer added as both officers laughed again, Simon and Cad walking away to the shower room.
"Hell, at least I got laid once in my life, you fucking moron." Simon said to himself in reply to the second officer's latest joke.
Simon and Cad stripped down as both officers ordered, placing their clothes in the nearby clothes hamper for the laundry staff to collect shortly. Because many prisons lacked much privacy, CCCF included, Simon and Cad took themselves a shower within arm's length of each other, trying their very best not to look at each other's naked bodies. Both men had to pretty much rush their showers, and the very small bars of soap and very little hot water made it extremely difficult to get clean in ten minutes or less. They did the best they could with what little they had, however, and dried themselves off and placed on their tight jumpsuits all in ten minutes.
"We're done." Simon informed the officers.
"Awesome." The first officer replied as the two officers led Simon and Cad back to the holding area.
"From this point forward, you'll be addressed by your prisoner numbers." The second officer said, pointing at Simon. "You are now 100364. Memorize it. 1-0-0-3-6-4."
"And you, sir, are now 080307. Get it in your head. 0-8-0-3-0-7." The first officer said to Cad.
"Now go make your phone calls to whomever you wish. You each have five minutes, not a second longer." The second officer said informed both supervillains.
Simon walked over to the phone station and used the old school rotary dial phone to call the number he wished to call. Like many prisons and jails around the country, all calls were collect. And contrary to Capitol City's distant cousin but going by general protocol, the collect calls went on the receiver's phone bill.
Simon had only five minutes to work with, but he already knew who he wanted to call. The call went to an Italian-style mansion just right outside of Downtown Capitol City. An iPhone 15 Pro Max smartphone rang with "Keep Their Heads Ringin'" by Dr. Dre playing as a ringtone. The person picking up the phone was a gangster who knew every trick of the crime trade. He led many different successful gangs, large and small, over the years, and was a maestro at committing crimes, that is, until Underdog consistently stopped him. He was the anthropomorphic wolf gangster, Riff Raff.
Riff Raff was relaxing on a recliner smoking a cigar when he heard his phone ring nearby. Without even seeing who was calling him, he answered his phone.
"Yo, Riff Raff speaking." Riff Raff said over the phone.
"Oh, hey, Riff Raff. It's Simon." Simon said. "Underdog unfortunately kicked my ass again and I need bail as soon as possible. Think you can help me with that?"
"But of course, Simon ol' buddy, anything for you." Riff Raff replied. "Cad too, I assume?"
"Yeah, Cad too." Simon confirmed.
"How much we're talking about this time?" Riff Raff asked.
"Hundred grand each. So two hundred grand total." Simon answered. "Think you can swing that?"
"That's a fucking laugh and a half, Simon!" Riff Raff replied. "That's a mother fucking drop in the bucket. You and Cad need not worry. I'll be there before you can say "Me Chinese! Me play joke! Me put pee pee in your Coke!", okay?"
Simon couldn't help but laugh at Riff Raff's joke despite the predicament he was in.
"Always the jokester, Riff. Thanks, buddy, see you soon." Simon said just before he hung up the phone.
"Done there, 100364?" A new officer asked.
"Yeah, sure, I'm done." Simon confirmed.
"Good. Your bedrolls are over there." The officer said to both Simon and Cad, pointing at their bedrolls. "Get them and sit in the holding cell until further notice."
"Piece of shit." Cad said just slightly over his breath.
"Hey, hey, hey, what the fuck did you just say?" The officer angrily asked Cad as he got in his face.
"Nothing, nothing, I was talking to myself." Cad replied.
"Cut the shit, 080307!" The officer countered. "I ask both of you nicely for a change and you still feel the fucking need to talk shit! Now both of your mother fuckers are gonna be in here for a long, long time unless you can find some asshole to bail you out again so that Underdog can kick your fucking asses! Now get the fucking bedrolls and get the fuck in those fucking holding cells, NOW!"
"Shut the fuck up, Cad!" Simon then said slightly over his breath to Cad, Cad not saying another word.
As Simon and Cad got their bedrolls and sat in their holding cells, a vintage 1962 Cadillac Coupe Deville was seen on the streets of Capitol City, blasting Snoop Dogg's "Tha Shiznit". The driver was none other than Riff Raff, who was making good on his word to Simon. Riff Raff this time was smoking a marijuana blunt as he was singing along to the song, wearing a pair of aviator sunglasses. Riff Raff was pulling up to CCCF, a place he too was familiar with, and nearly collided with another car while they both were trying to get a parking space.
"Son of a bitch!" The driver of the other car said, Riff Raff simply replying by giving him double middle fingers.
When Riff Raff was parked, he pulled up an app on his iPhone 15 Pro Max smartphone and simply pressed a button that said "Pay Now", watching the confirmation screen pop up before he walked into the facility. He immediately went to the receptionist, who immediately recognized him.
"Riff Raff!" The African-American female receptionist said. "I know you aren't bailing out Simon and Cad YET AGAIN!"
"Oh, you bet, toots." Riff Raff confirmed.
"You three guys sure love getting your asses kicked by Underdog and giving us money to get out, but we won't say no, I guess." The receptionist said. "Paying through the CCCF app again?"
"Done, toots." Riff Raff answered.
"Hmmm, let me see here." The receptionist said as she was looking through her computer before she found the confirmation that the bail amount was paid in full. "Got it. Wait in the lobby, Riff Raff, they'll be out shortly."
As Riff Raff took himself a seat in the lobby to wait on Simon and Cad, both soon-to-be former inmates were seen being led outside by two officers to where other inmates were doing some outside work. It was a sight all too familiar to both Simon and Cad, and even Riff Raff as he too was a frequent visitor to CCCF.
"Damnit, come on, Riff Raff." Simon said to himself.
"Okay, 100364. You can start on the pipes." One officer commanded to Simon. "And you, 080307, you will be on the…."
"Simon and Cad, you bastards just made bail. Follow me." Another older officer said, interrupting the first officer.
"Shit, they'll just get their fucking asses kicked by Underdog again and be right back in here, man!" A second officer said.
"Shit, I know. But what else can we do?" The older officer said with a shrug, leading Simon and Cad all the way back to the booking area.
"About damn time." Cad then said.
For the next 30 or so minutes, all of the officers pretty much reversed all of the booking that they did with Simon and Cad. They gave them back their now clean clothes and a few other minor possessions that they had when they were taken into CCCF. After they were totally done with the release process, Simon and Cad were both led to the lobby, where they met Riff Raff.
"Howdy, Simon and Cad." Riff Raff greeted, all three men sharing high fives and dap as they all walked out to Riff Raff's car, all of them getting in and leaving.
Riff Raff of course drove, Simon sitting on the passenger side front seat while Cad sat in the back. DJ Quik's "Can't Fuck With A Nigga" began playing inside of Riff Raff's car as he was on the road, all three supervillains sharing a new marijuana blunt while Riff Raff was bobbing his head, also doing a little dance behind the steering wheel.
"That's my shit!" Riff Raff said as he turned up the song a bit as he continued to listen, singing along to some of the lyrics. "Shit, Simon, I honestly thought you had Underdog beat this time."
"Yeah, me too. I really did." Simon said in a sad, defeated tone following a long sigh.
"Shit, what's wrong, boss?" Cad asked his boss.
"Cad, Riff Raff, I think this is the point where I draw the fucking line." Simon answered. "Underdog has beat me every damn time. I need to fucking realize that I can never dictate this fucking world. Underdog has broken me beyond repair. That's it. I'm done. Simon Bar Sinister as you know him is no more."
"Am I….hearing you right, boss?" Cad asked as Riff Raff turned the music down a bit, looking over at Simon with a shocked look. "You're….giving up?"
"Yeah, Cad, you heard me right. I quit. I give the fuck up." Simon confirmed.
"Simon, I've never known you as a fucking quitter, man." Riff Raff mentioned. "Every time we've gotten each other out of CCCF, we've looked at our "One Day" poster, you know, the one with the three of us with the world in our grasp. This Simon I'm hearing now ain't the Simon I just spent two fucking hundred grand bailing out of fucking jail."
"Don't give up, boss." Cad encouraged. "As soon as we get back to the lab, I'll gladly help you build the next…."
"Fuck it, Cad." Simon interrupted. "Underdog will just beat us again."
"Simon, I ain't gonna let your ass quit. Not now, not tomorrow, not next week, not next month, not next year, not ever." Riff Raff sternly said. "Underdog CAN be beat. I don't just think this. I KNOW this. All superheroes can be defeated. You just dust yourself off, get back on your horse, and keep fucking trying, man."
"I've tried everything under the fucking Sun, Riff Raff." Simon countered. "Air Raid Sirens. The Big Dipper Machine. The Camera Ray. The Forget-Me-Net. Phoney Booths. The Snow Gun. The Squirting Flower. Tickle Feather Machine. Time Bomb. Valentine Vault. The Weather Machine. Vacuum Gun. All of that bullshit and it failed miserably. My Predictabot was my very best shot, and Underdog STILL beat me. Fuck it, I'm done. Simon says….no more!"
"Simon, buddy, allow me to tell you a little story, all right?" Riff Raff offered. "You haven't lost yet. You will truly lose if you give up. Winners never quit. Quitters never win. Sure, Underdog may have kicked our asses, but take a look at J.K. Rowling. She was living on fucking unemployment and kept getting rejected by publishers for her book. Years later, the woman's a world-renowned author loved by millions all of the world. Michael Jordan, I'm sure you've heard of him, right? He said that he missed over 9,000 shots in his career. What?! 9,000?! There's no way that can be right! MJ was entrusted to take the winning shot many times in his career, and he missed. Michael Jordan has failed time and time again, just like me and you. And that's why he has succeeded. Rome wasn't built in a day, Simon. It took Thomas Edison 10,000 fucking tries to invent the lightbulb."
"And just what in the actual fuck does all of this have to do with me dictating the world, Riff Raff?" Simon asked with a perplexed look on his face.
"Simon, JK, MJ, and TE all said "One Day", just like you and I have." Riff Raff answered. "We haven't failed. We just found a shit ton of ways that didn't work. Like I said, I don't just believe Underdog can be beat. I KNOW Underdog can be beat. The world is still at your fingertips. OUR fingertips. We just have to think outside the box a bit. There is SOMETHING out there, some formula out there that can beat Underdog. There is one place that you have not looked. And it is there, only there, that you shall find….The Glow. The Glow, Simon. The Glow. And we've made this pact from the moment we've met that whoever finds this formula, this Glow, this whatever, that we'd invite the other person in to rule this world. JK made it happen with her books. MJ made it happen on the basketball court. TE made it happen with the lightbulbs. And I know for a fact that you, Simon Bar Sinister, The Wickedest Man In The World, that conquering and dictating this planet, you, Cad, and I will make happen. So get your fucking head out of your fucking ass and let's go kick some fucking ass. The world's got our names on it."
"One Day, boss. One Day." Cad added.
After hearing that somewhat oddly inspiring speech, Simon froze for a few moments as Riff Raff pulled up to Simon's lab. He let Riff Raff's words sink in for a moment before he cracked an evil smile and rubbed his chin.
"One Day. One Day, I will have Underdog at my feet begging for mercy!" Simon said, rubbing his palms. "One Day, you and I together, Riff Raff, ol' buddy, and of course along with you, Cad, we will be the ones calling the fucking shots in this world. One Day, we will be the names that the world remembers until the end of time. I mustn't give up! I'm not going out like a bitch! Underdog, you may have won many, many battles, but from this very moment forward, the war has begun. And I SHALL emerge victorious!"
"ONE DAY!" All three men said with evil laughs just as Simon and Cad got out of Riff Raff's car, all three villains giving fistbumps to each other.
"Riff, thanks again for bailing us out, man." Cad said to Riff Raff.
"Of course! You guys got me if I fuck up again, right?" Riff Raff then asked.
"Without hesitation, ol' buddy." Simon answered.
"Good. Maybe we can have dinner and a fucking movie later, what do you say?" Riff Raff offered.
"I'll think about it." Simon responded. "Simon says….Now go! I need to meditate. Or masturbate. Or both."
Riff Raff simply laughed hard at Simon's joke as he drove away, Westside Connection's "Bow Down" playing in his car while Simon and Cad walked back into their lab, getting back settled in after being bailed out again.
END OF CHAPTER FOUR
Music Credits
Song Artist/Source: Dr. Dre
Song Title/Source: Keep Their Heads Ringin'
Year Song Released: 1995
When Played: Riff Raff's ringtone.
Song Artist/Source: Snoop Dogg
Song Title/Source: Tha Shiznit
Year Song Released: 1993
When Played: Inside of Riff Raff's car on the way to pick up Simon Bar Sinister and Cad Lackey.
Song Artist/Source: DJ Quik
Song Title/Source: Can't Fuck With A Nigga
Year Song Released: 1993
When Played: Inside of Riff Raff's car on the way back from picking up Simon Bar Sinister and Cad Lackey.
Song Artist/Source: Westside Connection
Song Title/Source: Bow Down
Year Song Released: 1996
When Played: Inside of Riff Raff's car as he leaves from dropping off Simon Bar Sinister and Cad Lackey.