San Francisco

She was there and yet she wasn't, not really.

Her body was sat at the table, her hands lifting cutlery and drinking glasses as appropriate, her mouth chewing and swallowing food and liquid. She could hear the sounds of conversation going on around her, but none of it made any sense. Everyone was happy, jolly and excited about the wedding.

Everyone but her.

Thomas had pulled her into her father's study when he and his parents had arrived and had kissed her with a passion that she hadn't experienced before, even greater than on the last occasion. He had whispered in her ear about how he could barely contain himself until their wedding night, his hands roaming over her body right to the edge of unmarried propriety, eventually forcing her to wriggle out from his grip and put distance between them. He had smiled and told her not to be embarrassed about her feelings, that they were perfectly normal and natural, and she had required to fight down hard the urge to tell him that she felt entirely the opposite from what he imagined.

She had secreted the train ticket away at the back of a drawer in her room, after sitting and staring at it for what felt like hours. Was this the sign that she had asked the Lord for? How much of a coincidence could it be that, feeling as she did, a one-way ticket would simply flutter to the ground in front of her? A tantalising promise of a new life.

But how ridiculous was the notion. She couldn't leave California for Colorado. All the time she had spent worrying and dreading the new life she would have with Thomas as her husband and now she was contemplating running away to another state? It wasn't normal or rational. All of her concern, her upset and worry was about not being able to have and do the things she had always held dear – live in her childhood home, work at her father's store…in Colorado, she would have neither of those things and yet…

"I'm mad," she heard herself whisper. "I'm going mad."

"What was that?"

Turning, she met her aunt's shrewd gaze and quickly tried to bring herself back under some sort of control. "Nothing," she replied, with a smile. "Nothing at all."

"Hmm…you still don't seem quite as you should."

"Like Mother said, I'm sure it's just nerves before the big day."

"You should be excited, and you seem anything but."

"Were you excited?" she heard herself ask. "Before you married Uncle Arthur?"

"Of course."

No further comment was provided and Eloise found herself retreating once more into her own thoughts. The conversation continued around her, moving into the drawing room where the wedding appeared to be all anyone could think to talk about. How she longed for another topic, but when she had chanced to raise a political question, she had been roundly silenced, and everyone soon returned to what appeared to be the most important matter at hand.

As the time continued on, it felt as though the voices around her were growing louder and more mocking. They rang inside her head and her throat started to close up in panic. Once wed, a woman had very little options. No right to own property, no right to refuse a man his conjugal entitlement, no right to work outside the home, no easy access to divorce…two days…two days and she would be trapped, perhaps forever.

"Lou?" her mother's voice pierced through the cacophony of sounds in her brain. "Lou, are you alright?"

She glanced wildly around at the assembled party, seeing them all looking at her, watching her intently, frowns on their faces. Someone in the room was breathing heavily, and at speed, and it took a few moments for her to realise that the sounds were coming from herself.

"Lou…" her mother appeared close in front of her, her expression marred with concern. "Lou…"

"I…"

"Eloise…Lou…breathe, take deep breaths…"

Her lungs screamed and she tried to form words but couldn't. Her chest grew tight, and she pulled herself to her feet, stumbling forwards towards the fireplace.

"She can't breathe!" Thomas's voice was loud and panicked.

"I…"

"Everyone out, now!" her mother exclaimed. "Go through to the parlour. Alexander, take them through. Lou…Lou, I want you to look at me."

"I…I can't do this…I can't do this…"

"You're upsetting yourself now, just slow down your breath. In and out…in and out…in….and…out…"

She fixed her eyes on her mother, kept time with her voice and tried to regulate her breathing as ordered. Slowly, painfully slowly, the panic began to subside, the pain in her chest lessened and the room around her, now empty save for the two of them, swam back into focus.

"There you are," her mother smiled gently. "That's it, just keep taking deep breaths. You're completely fine, Lou, completely fine."

"I don't know…"

"You just started to panic, that's all. I know that the last few days have been stressful, and I did tell you to stop working at the store long before now, but you've always been sure of your own mind. Here," her mother passed her a small glass of brandy. "Drink this, and you'll feel better."

The liquid burned her throat, but she also felt it begin to calm her, to the point where she knew she owed her mother the honesty of her true feelings. There was no better time.

"I can't do it."

"Of course you can, just try and relax."

"No…I mean, I can't marry Thomas."

Her mother paused, blinked and then smiled, placing her hand on Eloise's arm. "You're overwrought, that's all, and it's no wonder. Why, when your father and I were getting married…"

"I'm not you!" she exclaimed, pulling away and turning her back, "and Thomas…Thomas isn't Father…"

"Lou, this is perfectly natural…"

"I can't marry him! I don't want to!" The words hung heavy in the air, and she found herself too afraid to turn around, too afraid to see the look on her mother's face. "You married Father because you loved him more than anything in this world, and he felt the same about you. I don't feel that way about Thomas and he doesn't feel that way about me. He can't. It's not…it's not the same and…and I can't live a life with a man that I don't love. I know that there are more things to consider than that but…isn't that the most important?" There was silence behind her. "I want a marriage like yours and Fathers, a love like you've known. Is that too much to ask?"

Finally, she turned back around and found the expression on her mother's face almost unreadable.

"I can understand how you feel…"

"How can you? Your life has been so different from mine."

"And I recognise that but…" her mother came towards her and reached for her hands. "Lou, you are almost thirty years of age, far beyond the recognised and accepted time for a woman to be married. Having lived the life I have I don't want you to miss out on all the wonderful things that can happen in a marriage. Having love and companionship, making your own home, raising your own family…" she shook her head. "I appreciate that Thomas may not be the great love that is often spoken about but…if you wait for that, you may miss out on so many of those things. He is a good man, a kind man, from a good family and I know he will do everything in his power to make you happy."

"How can you know that? Because his parents have assured you that is the case?"

"There is nothing to suggest that Thomas will be anything other than loving and devoted…"

"Not to mention able to provide finance for Father." The words came out more bitterly than she had intended.

"You have known the situation for some weeks now and I assumed…"

"Assumed what? Assumed that I had accepted being married off like some…some prize sow to the highest bidder?"

"It is not like that at all!" her mother exclaimed. "Lou, how can you think…?"

"You told me that without investment from Thomas's family, we will face financial hardship. You insinuated that I had to marry him for that reason!"

"Not solely for that reason…"

Eloise stepped back and shook her head. "I can't do it. I won't do it."

Her mother's face hardened. "The wedding is in two days, Eloise. You cannot just decide now that you do not intend to go through with it."

"Why not? People can change their minds, surely. I can change my mind."

"Because everything is arranged! Think how upset Thomas would be, and his family. They are all good people…"

"Good people who won't invest unless I come as part of the package. They too should want a love match for their son, should they not?"

"You cannot say no now."

"I am saying no now."

Her mother shook her head and backed away. "You're not thinking clearly, Lou, and it's because you're overwrought…"

"Stop saying that! You're not listening to me, Mother! How can you not listen to me when I'm trying to tell you how I truly feel! Do you not want me to be happy?"

"You need a good night's sleep, and you'll see this all very differently in the morning. Now, I shall go and tell the others that you are quite well but that you've decided to retire." Her mother turned for the door. "I think that's best all round, don't you?"

"No, I don't! How can you do this? How can you force this on my when you know it's not what I want? I've never questioned you, never gone against your or Father, never willingly caused you concern…"

"Except for being unmarried at the age of twenty-nine!" her mother turned back. "Do you really think that hasn't caused your father and I some concern? Worrying about you withering away into an old spinster?"

"So, your solution is to marry me to somebody, anybody, regardless of how I might feel about it?"

Her mother took a deep breath. "If you hadn't wanted this match, then you should have said something a long time ago when Thomas started to court you. It is too late now, Eloise, I'm sorry."

"But…"

"I have said what I mean to say and that is an end to it! The wedding will go ahead in two days' time, and you will put a smile on your face and a song in your heart and accept that! Now…go up to your room and rest and I will explain the situation to the others. Goodnight."

"I…"

Before she could say anything more, however, her mother was gone, closing the door firmly behind her. Having come this far, Eloise was tempted to run after her, throw open the door and declare to whomever happened to be in earshot that she would not marry Thomas and that was an end to it. But she didn't. What good would it do? She barely recognised the mother she had grown up with, the woman who had always been so kind and caring. It was like looking at a different person and, though it may have appeared far-fetched, she suddenly wondered if drastic action might be taken, such as locking her in her room until the morning of the wedding itself.

"No…no, I will not let this happen…"

Leaving the drawing room, she hurried up the stairs and into her bedroom, pulling her suitcase down from the top of her wardrobe and began filling it with as many clothes and possessions as she could find. She had to escape. She was all the woman she would ever be and, for once, she had to take control of her own destiny.

16 July

Dear Mother and Father,

I'm sorry to do this to you, but I can't go through with it. I don't love Thomas, and it would be unfair to both of us for me to marry him under those circumstances. He deserves a wife who truly loves him for who he is, not one marrying him for convenience, be that financial or because she is of advancing years.

I've decided to go away for a while, to think about my life and where I go from here. I know that this will cause you embarrassment, especially with Thomas's family, but I feel I have no other choice. I'm sorry for the pain this decision will bring, but I must think of myself and my own happiness. I intend travelling to Denver and I will contact you when I can.

I love you both,

Lou

The letter having been carefully left on the mantelpiece, Eloise tip toed as quietly as she could to the front door. It was obscenely early in the morning, with not even the servants having risen for the day, but if she were to make the train to Denver, she knew she would have to escape before anyone had the opportunity to stop her, even if it meant secreting herself somewhere nearby until the train was due to depart.

Her mother had come to her room later in the evening once everyone else had left, but she had pretended to be asleep so as to avoid further conversation or confrontation. Her mother had come over to the bed, gently stroked her hair and dropped a kiss on her forehead, which had almost made her re-think her plans. Her parents were good people, deep down, even if they couldn't or wouldn't see how unhappy this arrangement was making her. Yet she resolved to remain steadfast. No good would surely come of her staying and doing as they wished.

She eased the front door open and slid outside, carefully setting her suitcase down to allow her to close it over again. The day was already in motion, the sun rising, the birds singing and a few people already milling about the streets. She expected someone to recognise her, to question her as to what she was doing, but no-one did. She descended the steps down to the street and started walking, telling herself not to look back, realising quickly that her suitcase was heavy and cumbersome to carry over such a distance.

It took an hour to reach the train station and, by the time she had, she felt exhausted. The train wasn't due to depart for a further three hours and as she pulled the ticket from her pocket, a feeling of dread suddenly washed over her. What if the ticket was somehow linked to the woman who had dropped it? What if the guard, or anyone looking at it, would be able to tell that it didn't belong to her, that she had stolen it, that she wasn't the person who was meant to be travelling? How much worse the situation would be were she to be returned to her parents home by a police officer. Though, perhaps if that were to happen, Thomas would decide he no longer wanted to marry her, so there may be some silver lining.

"You look lost, miss, can I help you?"

Turning, she saw the same gentleman she had approached the previous day and wondered suddenly if he remembered her. "Oh, no…I'm just waiting on the train to Denver."

"You've still got some time to wait," he replied, checking his watch.

"Yes, I know."

"Train should be ready for boarding in around two hours, three until she departs." He looked at her curiously. "You travelling alone?"

"Yes," she replied, "but I'll be fine, thank you."

"As you say."

He touched his hat and moved away from her, and she found herself walking over to a nearby vacant bench, dropping her suitcase at her feet and sitting down. Perhaps it had been a mistake telling her parents she was going to Denver. Were they to find the note before the train departed, they would assume she had come to the station. They might follow and try to stop her. But then, not to have told them something of her plans would have led to intolerable worry that she could be anywhere. It had seemed the lesser of two evils.

Taking a deep breath, she straightened her back and raised her chin, desperate to give off the air of someone who knew exactly what she was doing even if, inside, she was terrified.