Hey guys!
Well, sorry, a long time again since the last publication.
I hope I'll be faster on the next one.
Enjoy!
It's only one week after "waking up" that I can finally access the internet. My mother is at work and Mrs Winston went out shopping. Mly father is working on his laptop in the living room and I'm supposed to be watching cartoons. Eventually he streches up and tells me to remain good while he's showering. I haven't been "awake" for a long time, but the adults already noticed my maturity and independence, and aren't too scared for me to do anything stupid while they aren't there. Well okay, Mrs Winston might be slightly paranoid around me, but the truck almost ran over me less than a week ago, so she has mitigating circumstances.
As soon as I'm sure that my "dad" won't come back ny time soon I rush towards his laptop. It his unlocked. I open a new tab on the browser, refusing to hesitate, I don't have time for it.
And I write, in French, that language haunting my memories: "Aurore Berger suicide novembre 2006". First test is conclusive: according to the amount of results, I indeed know how to speak French. I click a bit randomly on a link and get on a website that is probably not of the best quality, but that gives me the confirmation I was looking for. My memories are real. My eyes read the article, once, twice, three times.
«C'est le mercredi 15 Novembre au soir que le drame est survenu. Une adolescente de 17 ans, Aurore Berger, s'est donné la mort en sautant du toit d'un immeuble jouxtant l'hôpital de Charpennes, à Lyon. Ce sont des infirmiers qui l'ont trouvé pendant leur service, et elle a pu être identifiée grâce à ses papiers d'identité. Sa disparition n'avait pas été signalée.
La jeune fille venait de commencer, à la rentrée, une terminale scientifique. Elle avait des notes dans la moyenne, et son trépas brutal est un choc pour l'équipe enseignante comme pour ses camarades de classe, comme en témoignent ces mots : « Elle était toujours souriante, et adorait faire des blagues. Elle avait des facilités qu'elle n'exploitait pas vraiment, mais ne causait jamais de problèmes. ».
Alors, si l'échec scolaire n'est pas relié à la décision de la jeune fille, pourquoi commettre un acte si définitif ?
La mère d'Aurore s'est refusée à tout commentaire, mais son père, très éprouvé, nous fournit une piste de réflexion « Elle a perdu son frère, il y a deux ans, dans un accident de la route. Ils étaient très proches. Pourtant, quand je la voyais, elle me paraissait résolue à prendre sa vie en main… Je ne comprends pas… ». Les parents d'Aurore, séparés depuis la mort de son frère se partageaient la garde de leur fille.
Aucun diagnostic concernant une possible maladie mentale n'avait été fait. Pourtant, l'autopsie a révélé de nombreuses marques de scarifications sur le corps de la victime. Qui était Aurore ? Une malade qui a dissimulé sa folie a ses proches ? Une adolescente dont la souffrance à la mort de son frère est passée inaperçue ? Aurore n'a laissé aucune lettre expliquant son geste qui demeurera sans doute un mystère. Ses amis se sont refusés à tout commentaire.»
"It's on Wednesday, the 15th of November that the tragedy occurred. A 17 years old teenager, Aurore Berger, took her own life by jumping from the roof of a building next to the Charpennes hospital, in Lyon. It is nurses that found her during their service and she has been identified thanks to her identity documents. Her dissapearance hadn't been reported.
The young lady had just started, in september, a scientific terminale. She had average marks, and her sudden death is a shock for the teaching team as well as for her classmates as demonstrated by these words: "She was always smiling, and loved playing jokes. She had a knack for studies that she wasn't really using, but she was never causing any trouble.
So, if academic failure is not linked to the young lady's decision, why commit such a definitive act?
Aurore's mother refused to tell us anything, but her dad, deeply upset, gives us some beginning of explanation: "She lost her brother, two years ago, in a car accident. They were really close. Although, when we were meeting, she seemed determined to get her life together... I don't understand...". Aurore's parents, divorced since her brother's death, were sharing custody of their daughter.
No diagnosis has been done regarding a potential mental health disorder. However, the autopsy revealed a lot of scarification marks on the victim's body. Who was Aurore? A sick girl that hid her sickness to her relatives? A teenager whose suffering following her brother's death remained unnoticed?
Aurrore didn't leave any note to explain her gesture that will probably remain a mistery. Her friends remained silent."
And under the article, some recommandations: "Those teenagers that go always further to attract attention", "My child refuses to eat, what can I do?" and "Education: The alternatives for pupils who are failing school". I hurry to close this tab that confirms that I didn't imagine anything. Reflexively I press ctrl+h keys and luckily for me it also works with English keyboards. I remove from the history the pages I visited. I push deep down inside of me all my feelings, the pain, and goes back to sitting in front of the TV. Later. Later. Don't break down before the evening.
« Parfois j'ai peur de ce que je deviens, j'ai honte. Je suis un monstre. J'arrive plus à m'attacher à personne, je ressens plus rien. Je ne peux faire confiance à personne après tout. Je comprends pas pourquoi Quentin s'acharne à essayer de me parler, il croit quoi ? Je vais juste lui faire du mal si je reste avec lui de toute façon. Ne rien dire à personne. Garder mes pensées pour moi. Et continuer à faire semblant. Jusqu'à quand ? »
"Sometimes I'm scared of what I'm becoming, I'm ashamed. I'm a monster. I can't bound with anyone any more, I don't feel anything any more. I can't trust anyone after all. I don't understand why Quentin keeps trying to talk to me, what does he expects? I will just hurt him if I stay with him anyway. Don't tell anything to anyone. Keeping my thoughts for myself. And keep prentending. Until when?"
-Extract of a notebook of Aurore Berger, two months before her death-
And that's it.
Short explanation about French scholar system:
We start in "école maternelle" from 3 to 5 years old, then go to "école primaire" from 6 to 10 years old. After that comes collège (11 to 15), and lycée (from 16 to 18). On the second year of lycée, until this year, we could choose between scientific, socio-economic or litterary. Terminale is the last year of lycée.
See you next time.