Hey,

Here's a new chapter, a bit late cause my beta was busy. Hope you'll like it!

I wake up at 5am, as my Tempus can attest, and I give up on the idea of going back to sleep. Instead I take advantage of the fact that the girls from my dorm are still asleep (for how long…?) to change clothes quickly before leaving the Gryffindor corridors are empty and silent, and I don't know for how long the curfew lasts but maybe it's still going. I go back to the seventh floor to continue my search for an alternative room to sleep in. I know that the Room of Requirement is somewhere else, but since I started searching here, I can as well keep going. Now that I've been in a secret passage, I try to keep an eye out for anything looking like an opening system. I also try to go to the least frequented places.

It's around eight when I find a small staircase half hidden behind an old cupboard. It leads me to a three floored tower whose ground is covered in dust. It's a good sign I guess. I climb to the last floor and notice a trapdoor on the ceiling. An old, half-gnawed ladder is leading to it, and I decide to climb it. Out of some miracle it doesn't break and I reach a sort of very small attic, absolutely empty. The mass of dust is making me cough, and I can barely stand. The ceiling is sloped and some huge beams are coming out of it. I suppose it could make a good room. It's far from students and if I remove the ladder not many people will bother to come up here. Would they even find the tower to start with? And anyway I'll leave my stuff in my trunk. I don't know yet if I'll bring it here, or leave it in Gryffindor's dorm. I won't move it at first anyway. Well. Guess I'd better work on my cleaning spells so that I'll be able to remove all the dust before bringing in my mattress. And once I'll have learnt how to fly, I'll get rid of the ladder.

Thinking about flying reminds me that I have a Flying course this afternoon, and I'm looking forward to it. I cast a new Tempus and find out that it's already a quarter past eight. By the time I'd reach the Great Hall, breakfast would probably be over. Too bad. I feel some satisfaction for skipping the meal, doing something damageable to myself on purpose. I could have used the breakfast to talk about our climbing plans with Ewald and Arthur, but whatever, it'll wait for lunch break. Instead of heading to the Great Hall, I take the direction of my dorm. It goes faster than when I woke up, because I'm taking a more direct route. Still, by the time I reach it most of the girls have had the time to go back to our Common Room, and I hear them making some nasty comments about me when I come in. I climb to the dorm, which is also too crowded for my taste. I draw my bed's curtains to miniaturize my mattress and covers and it takes me more time than it usually would, because I'm angry. I manage to finally reduce their size enough to slip them in my bag alongside my favorite notebook, then draw my curtains open. Lucky for me, it looks like the other kids forgot me for now and I get my book about daily life spells that I keep in my hands, since there's no space left in my bag.

I'm about to leave the dorm when a kid pushes me, and the book escapes my hands. I instantly get back on my feet, but the red-haired girl from the first evening, the one that was close to the door, has taken my book. The asshole that pushed me (that I recognize, a bit late, as the one that drew my curtains the other morning) sneers.

"Well done, Faith! Send it to me!"

I space out for a second, surprised. Are they for real? I launch myself at the kid that pushed me and reach for my book, but she has enough time to send it back to her friend. Whatever, I throw my elbow in her belly, and she folds in half out of pain. I go behind her, blocking one of her arms with my hand while I put my second arm around her neck. She tries to break free, but fails. Well yes dumbass, I know how to fight and climbing provides a fit body. There's a moment of flutter while I have the time to notice that some of the cuts I did yesterday have re-opened during the short fight, and also that all the girls from the dorm are staring at us with a surprised face, then the red-haired girl, Faith, shouts:

"Let her go now you stupid cunt! Who do you think you are?"

"Give me back my book" I answer, coldly. "In good shape. What you do to my book I'll do to your friend."

"You'll be in trouble! You'd better not be messing with us!"

"Oh you will be in trouble too. I'm not the one who started this. I just wanted to go somewhere else. So you give me back my book, I give you back your friend, and it's over."

In response, Faith throws my book at my feet, so I throw the other kid on the ground, restraining myself from kicking her, and retrieve my book quickly before leaving without turning around. I can hear behind me the kid bursting into tears, and Faith telling her "It's okay Yasmin. We will make this bitch pay!". I wait until I'm in an empty corridor to stop, and cast a repairing spell on my book that has been damaged by the fall and the passes. I'm full of a cold rage. They've taken a new step. They attacked me physically. They attacked my book as well. I know it won't stop there. I don't really know why they hate me already, well, actually I have an idea. I'm too different. They already take me for a nerd, but I humiliated them, I didn't let it go quietly. They will never accept it. They won't even be wise enough to realize that they don't stand a chance against me. In addition to that, I know that this world is more violent than the Muggle world in daily life. I've read the books, I've read a shit lot of fanfictions. They're old enough to be willing to solve their problems with spells. And me, I'm at risk of going too far. I will avoid them as much as I can, but I'm not sure if it'll be enough. I need to blow off some steam. Instead, I block my feelings and climb to my attic.

I do my best to clean it, even if my anger handicaps me to cast spells. It eventually turns out okayish and I give back their normal size to my mattress and covers that I put as far away from the trapdoor as I can before leaving. I then head to the library to look for some spells and DADA books for second to third years, looking for some attack and defense spells I could learn. I want to be able to use magic to fight, and honestly I should have started learning this earlier. I already started learning some useful spells, like the basics of elemental spells (I really enjoy those), Accio etc… But for now I don't even know the Protego nor the Stupefy, for instance, that are the basics of Defense. I don't really know what I could find for interesting spells in the second and third Years books, but one has to start with something. Since I'm at the library I use the opportunity to look for Occlumency books, because it's urgent that I learn it. I don't necessarily expect to cross the path of many Legilimens, but I hate the idea of someone trying to read my mind. And well, I don't know much about it but maybe this skill could help me protect some memories, for instance against the Obliviate spell. We'll see.

I have trouble finding books on Occlumency, and when I go back to the table that I picked, away from the crowd, I only found two books that seem to be mentioning it. I put them aside for now, and rather start reading the second Year DADA bok. I'm about to start listing some spells when I notice someone heading towards my table from the corner of my eye. I raise my head and find out it's Ewald. I relax a bit. He sits down next to me, pushing away the Occlumency books before whispering:

"Hey, how are you?"

"Fine" I said in the same tone "You're alone?"

"Yes, Arthur is playing some board games in his common room with friends of his, so I thought I could as well do my homework. I didn't think I'd find you here."

"I felt like learning a bit, making use of being at school, that sort of thing."

"Occlumency? If you want to learn that, you didn't pick the right books." says Ewald, raising an eyebrow.

"There's nothing on the shelves… Are you familiar with this field?"

Ewald has a split second of hesitation, then admits:

"I know more about Legilimancy but yes, I do know the basics. You won't find any real Occlumency books around here. There's two of three books mentioning it in the open part of the library, sure, but the rest is probably inside the Restricted Section I think. And they won't let a first Year student borrow that kind of book."

"Why not?"

"The magics of the mind are complex and marginal, and I doubt the teacher would be ready to leave to themselves first Years with that."

"What if some books accidentally slip into my bag?"

"Everything is magically protected. You're not the first one to get this idea."

We remain silent for an instant, then he offers:

"I could lend you some books… But I'm not sure if it would be a good idea. Why are you interested in Occlumency?"

"It's useful knowledge."

I tense up. I probably shouldn't have talked about that. I don't think he's the kind of person to be content with a cop-out.

"It would probably be better if you wait to be older to really try learning this. The theory doesn't hurt, but starting too early can be dangerous."

"How?"

"When the mind is young, it's still very influenceable and evolves very quickly. In addition it becomes very unstable with puberty. As a result, pretty much everyone starting Occlumency too young is failing to get any result, and those who manage to get some often have long-lasting effects."

"What kind of effects?"

"They have more trouble developing. There have even been some cases where some kids remained 'blocked' with the age they started trying to become Occlumens, and they became unable to communicate with the outside world."

I unwillingly shrug. It isn't a concern for me. I'm an adult anyway, and I know what I'm doing. Well, Ewald obviously doesn't know it. The question is how to do it so that he lends me his books anyway. Because I must learn Occlumency. It'd be too dangerous to do without.

"Would it be okay for me to borrow your books anyway? I will be careful, but I'm truly interested in the topic."

Ewald sighs, but answers anyway.

"I could accept it, if you tell me the true reason you want to learn this and if you promise me not to try anything on your own."

Well fuck, he got me. It's not really surprising, but what use is it for him to know that? I should have kept my mouth shut, I talked too much. It's been too long sinceI haven't had so much close contact with other people, talking a bit more openly. I don't know how to keep things to myself anymore. I control my rising panic, pushing it behind the walls blurring my emotions, and answer.

"Because you care about me?"

I said that as a joke, and to divert his attention, but to be honest I feel that it's moving me a bit, to think that it could be the case. Just that someone could care. Even if I don't see why he would, since we only met three days ago and that I'm just a kid.

"You mean that I care about what Arthur will do to me if I put you in danger!"

He says that jokingly as well, and I hate that part of me that feels a touch of pain at these words. Of course he doesn't give a fuck, he doesn't really care that it could be dangerous. He's just a responsible person, and of course he worries about what Arthur thinks. Since my diversion doesn't work I finally answer, bad-willingly:

"If you lend me your books, I'll tell you the true reason why I want to learn Occlumency."

So what? I never said WHEN I'll tell him. He nods before answering:

"And you won't try any experiment on your own?"

"I will not attempt any Occlumens experiment out of my capacity on my own. Happy?"

Ewald stares at me with a hint of surprise, then nords again.

"More or less. You're free to do what you want. You could have gone to Slytherin, you know that?"

"I probably could have."

He slips a small smile, then takes some books from his bag and starts working without further comment. I dive back into my spellbooks silently, and eventually start taking notes. I'm quite tense due to the discussion, and my feelings are swirling inside of me. It may look like nothing, but I don't like what I've learnt about myself. I don't like it that I was touched by the idea that he could have cared about me, as well as the realization that I would like someone to. I should have gotten rid of that pathetic need for attention a while back. But well, it doesn't matter anyway. I won't be bonding with anyone here, I will just die, finally. But it's useful to spend time with Arthur and Ewald in any case. Since they're in seventh year they will probably give me access to useful resources, like for Occlumency.

After about twenty minutes I'm done reading the second year's book and I put it aside to get the third year one. The move must attract Ewald's attention, because he raises his head and looks at the book I just put in front of me.

"Defense Against the Dark Arts, third year? You're aware that you just started off the first year three days ago?" he whispers

"I finished reading the first year book three weeks before coming to Hogwarts" I answer "And I'm looking for interesting spells."

"What kind of spells?"

In response I slide my note sheet in his direction. He gives it back to me rather quickly, and starts speaking again:

"Why are you willing to learn all that? Are you interested in dueling?"

"I guess we could say that. Do you know any other useful spells?"

"Well actually I'm a bit knowledgeable, yes. I'm a duellist, even if I don't really have the opportunity to take part in tournaments in Hogwarts. I could probably show you some tricks."

"That would be really cool!"

"However there's a good quarter of the spells you wrote down that you won't be able to cast for now in any case. There's a good reason why they're only taught in second or third year."

"What reason?"

"One needs a good magic maturity. Magic is a bit like a muscle. It has a power limit that you will never be able to exceed. It requires training to get closer to your maximal power. There's also different ways of training it, going for endurance, power or flexibility, and overtraining can have negative consequences. One has to be careful and give oneself time to progress. Honestly, I'm afraid that you're trying to go too fast. You received your wand not even one month ago. I understand that you're enthusiastic, but you have to let yourself time.

I sigh. I hesitate. After all, I don't know everything that Arthur told him exactly. But if he really is a duellist, he could teach me useful things, and allow me to progress faster. And it's urgent for me to be able to defend myself. Besides, it's quite handy that he gave me from himself a believable excuse to explain my will to learn how to fight, sparing me the trouble of thinking. My problems are my business. In the end, I whisper to him.

"I will share a secret with you now, Ewald. Magic, I've been using it since I'm six. I don't know what Arthur told you exactly, but I have had a wand since That summer."

"I see" He whispers back, so I'm not able to interpret his tone, but I feel like it doesn't come as a surprise for him. In any case, I ask:

"Would you agree to teach me a bit about Duel? And spells, obviously. It would save me a lot of time to have someone experienced to correct my mistakes, plus you'd have something to do when Arthur will be socializing and you'll be done with your homework."

Ewald has a slight smile.

"All right. In that case, prepare yourself to suffer. I'm quite exigent."

"Thanks! When do we start?"

"Next Tuesday? I have History of Magic now, and since Arthur's meetings are regular…"

"We have a deal!"

I keep on studying my books until it's time for lunch, and walk quickly, thinking about the flight class of the afternoon. I eat at the Hufflepuff table with my seven year mates, listening to them as they chat about the mornings they had and the homework they should do. Soon enough I get lost in my thoughts. I reflect about everything that happened this morning. I realize that I've been quite spontaneous with Ewald and I try to remember what information I could have let slip. He is dangerous. I don't know what his motivations are. He's friendly, he's interesting too, I'm sure, but I'm playing a dangerous game. I don't want to bond with him, I don't want him to suspect anything.

I'm at this point of my reflections when I feel something hit the back of my neck. I put my hand to it, but I don't find anything. That's when I turn around and look down that I notice a small stone that someone must have thrown at me. I look around me, but there's too many people, all the Houses are mixed up around the tables, and I can't see who did it. I give up in the end and turn my focus back on the conversation. Arthur is talking about a Jungle Speed game he played, and I'm asking some questions. I didn't know that wizards had adapted the game!

xxx

There is no one forever
No one holding my bleeding hand
Nothing left for me to defend
No one left in this fever

They have never seen my tears
They will never know my fears
I'm standing on my own
And blood covers my crown

I am already dead but I still pretend
I can't trust anyone anymore
I can't remember how it was before
I'm just waiting for the end

-Poem written in one of Vivian-Eris's notebooks-

And that's it, if you enjoyed the chapter please let me a review, as well as if you have constructive critics to offer!
See you in the next one