Hey!
Thank you for he follows, it helps me keeping my motivation
In this chapter, there will be some consequences of what Vivian did to Faith and her friends.
Let me know in the comments what you'll have thought of that!
Enjoy!
When I reach the Great Hall for breakfast, the morning after, I see Arthur standing up as I arrive, looking worried. I bet he heard about Faith… And indeed, it doesn't miss:
"Hey Vivian, what happened yesterday evening? We didn't see you at dinner and some Gryffindors came looking for Professor Longbottom. And Al said you fought?"
Arthur's voice is concerned, but before I answer him I pick a seat in front of our gold and red friend. He's gobbling up his bacon and scrambled eggs at an impressive rate, near Ewlad who seems content with a pumpkin juice glass that he quietly swallows. When he notices I'm watching him, he raises an interrogative eyebrow in my direction and I let out a sigh.
"Faith and two of her friends stole my wand while I was showering, and I fought them to retrieve it. Longbottom arrived, so now I have detention."
"Did they hurt you?"
"No, but I did hurt them" I answer, with a hint of satisfaction
"Longbottom sent them to the nurse's office", Al' cuts in
"Oh, alright. Tell me that you didn't stab them, at least?" Arthur asks, halfway serious.
In response, I sigh deeply before finally eating breakfast while Al' starts a conversation about Quidditch with Ewald. It looks like Al' totally forgot that he used to attack him in the corridors, a few weeks back. For his part, Ewald doesn't look resentful, although he's not nearly as open with him as he is with Arthur, or even with me. His smiles still look more sincere than those he displays when I see him interacting with other members of his House, for instance.
After breakfast, Arthur slips away to do some board games, and Ewald discreetly signals me he'd like me to follow him. I tense up a bit, even if I'm curious, and almost regret it when Al' walks away after asking where we'd meet in the afternoon for climbing. I thus follow Ewald slightly reluctantly, and he brings me to the room where we usually train duelling.
"So, do you plan on laying low in your House, with what happened yesterday?"
"I never looked for trouble, I just want people to leave me alone. But if I get attacked, I won't let it go." I answer quietly, even though I can feel annoyment rise in me. Will he lecture me? But Ewald's answer surprises me
"Are you aware that after what happened yesterday, it'll likely get worse? This time, it was just first years, they were not expecting you to react this way. But if they have older friends or family, or if enough people who hate you gather together, you will be in trouble."
"I know."
"And, tell me if I'm wrong, but you're not exactly popular among your Year."
"Indeed. Do you have more obvious things to list?" Of course he noticed, for my classmates.
Ewald shrugs before answering, seemingly not bothered by my slight aggressivity:
"I think you were wrong to act on impulse. I know Gryffindors are known for this, but you're smarter, I think. You are capable of more subtlety. You can take revenge later.
I tense up, anger rising again in me. Reproches? Why would he know better than me what I should do? Why does he think he's allowed to judge what I do? I keep a neutral face tough, and it's for the best because the Slytherin isn't finished.
"Anyway, you probably had your reasons, but I worry about you, that's all. At this rate, you'll be facing murder attempts by Christmas."
"I can manage", I answer, somewhat coldly.
"Oh, I never doubted it. I'm mostly worried about those who will attack you. Plus, if you get expelled, it'll get boring here and I will have to deal alone with the other Gryffindor. And that's a no for me."
"Uh" is my clever answer, before I start laughing, my anger forgotten for a moment. Ewald has a satisfied smile, then starts talking again.
"If I brought you there, it's because I wanted to make sure you were aware of the situation. But more importantly, I wanted to show you some spells that might be useful for you."
"That sounds nice! I'm ready!"
"Always ready for fighting." he sighs, rolling his eyes.
When his eyes come back to me, I know he's serious again, and I get ready to listen to him.
xxx
After the lesson is finished I escape in the corridors, pretending to have something to retrieve from my common room, just to have a few minutes of peace. I think about what just happened. I realise that this lesson is Ewald's way to take care of me. He didn't clearly say it, but that's what it is about. He's getting attached. He wouldn't have acted like that a few weeks back, I think. Then, I realise that my anger from earlier comes from the fact he was right. I could, I should have controlled myself. I'm always so proud of being able to conceal everything, of my self-control. I know, I didn't act like I did because I lacked self-control, but because I let myself lose it. Still, it was a mistake. From now on, I will control everything better. No one will see behind my mask.
xxx
When I go back to the Great Hall to eat, I'm the first of my group to arrive. Scorpius and his friends arrive shortly after me and join me for the meal. Although I would have preferred sharing my meal with the Seventh Year I still welcome them heartily. Until the meal begins and Scorpius starts talking, that is.
"I heard you hurt Faith, Alexandra and Eleanor so bad they were sent to the nurse's office yesterday?"
Seriously, this again? Don't people have other things to talk about? At least, it tells me the name of the other two dumbasses. Anyway, I sigh and check if anyone is listening to our conversation. Only Eva seems to be paying attention, so I answer.
"Yes, because they stole my wand."
"And you had no other way to retrieve it than that?"
"Is it a problem for you?" I ask, annoyed by his disapproving tone
"I understand you didn't appreciate what they did, but it wasn't a reason to attack them like this."
"Well that's your opinion. And why do you care anyway, are they your besties?"
"Not mine, but Eleanor is Eva's friend." Scorpius answers, trying to sound reasonable. "And you're my friend, it's my job to tell you when you're going too far."
"Sure. I'm completely wrong and those bitches are victims."
"I didn't say that. Calm down Vivian, really. All I'm saying is that you could have found another solution."
"You know what? I'm deeply sorry to have defended myself. I'll let you eat in peace now, because I wouldn't want you to spend time with a bully such as me."
I stand loudly, under the eyes of most of the students around. Of course, we're in the middle of the meal. I notice that one or two teachers at least are looking this way as well… Great. Just great.
"Yeah, do that, go join your Seven Year friends, we know you're so much better than us anyway!" Scorpius bitterly retorts
"What do you mean?" I ask, taken aback
"I really thought appearances were deceiving, that you were a good person… But you're really what you seem to be. Such an arrogant kid that you think you're above everything, just because you're ahead in class and you know some Seven Years. You disappoint me."
Against all odds, his words hurt me, so I answer to hurt him as well.
"And I believed you were the kind to be able to take a step back from the situations and take time to listen to your friends before making up your mind. You're the one disappointing me."
"Oh, because now you see us as friends? Really, I thought we were just placeholder friends to you. You're too kind." I see a hint of uncertainty in his eyes, as if he was regretting a bit what he just said, but he went too far. I turn my back to him, grabbing my bag, and leave the table with a:
"Yeah, actually you're right, we've never been friends." that I try to make sound as glib as I possibly can.
None of us spoke really loud during our argument, and no one intervened. Yet, I can feel a lot of eyes on me as I leave the Great Hall, letting behind me the meal I barely touched and my so-called friends. At the back of my anger lurks a vague sadness, light like a ghost, that makes me feel like crying. Everyone ends up letting me down anyway. That's for the best. When I die, he won't be sad.
xxx
I end up in the park and lie on the grass, ignoring the cold that makes me shiver as well as the humidity of the grass under me. I could cast a heating spell, but after a few minutes I get used to it anyway. I let my mind wander, my eyes fixed on the grey sky. I'm truly disappointed by Scorpius. He didn't get my version of the facts first, and that's enough for him to make up his mind and push me away. Nevertheless I'm aware that I didn't really make an effort to explain myself. Because I was too angry, because everyone talks about it and blames me before trying to understand… So much for self-control. I've never mentioned the problems those girls were causing before, and if I do it now people will think that I'm just making it up to excuse myself. But well, I still get some benefit out of it. At least the Seven Years are on my side, as well as Alphonse.
Speaking of the devil, I can hear someone walking in my direction. I straighten up and see that it's Arthur. He sits beside me before asking:
"Are you ok?"
"Sure, I always am." My own voice sounds empty to my ears. Even if I'm good at lying, it's still one of the worst lies I've told in this life. Arthur doesn't comment my answer, but asks, after an hesitation:
"What happened with Scorpius? Did you two have an argument?"
"Yes."
There's no use denying it, my dramatic exit made it obvious. I know my answer won't be enough for Arthur, so I keep talking.
"He sees me as a bully, and thinks I should have never sent those girls to the nurse's office. Apparently he thinks I'm an arrogant snooty who thinks she's better than them."
"You're nothing like a snooty!" Arthur retorts, outraged
"If you say so."
"Why would he say such a thing?"
"Don't really know, don't really care." I answer loosely.
It's the truth, but it's also a lie. It's not that important. I'm disappointed, because I lied to him, but it doesn't really matter. For instance, when Arthur, Ewald or even Al' will let me down (cause let's be real, it will happen eventually), it'll hurt a lot more. But well, if I'm lucky I'll be dead before.
"Really?"
"Yes, really. Can we talk about something else? For instance, do you think I should write an unapology letter to Longbottom, or just refuse to write any of the letters he told me to write?"
Arthur looks a bit startled by my change of topic and the (fake) joy in my voice. He asks, in a slightly pained voice:
"Why do you never open up with me? Or even with Ewald?"
I'm taken aback, but I still ask:
"What do you mean?"
"You always deflate my questions, you avoid answering. And you never spontaneously talk about topics if they are even slightly important. You didn't tell me how you met Al', I had to ask Ewald who deigned telling me that he attacked him in a corridor, and that you challenged him to a weird Gryffindor challenge for him to leave Ewald alone. And Merlin knows Ewald isn't very talkative either… Seriously, we never even mentioned what happened when we met. Never. You just had a fight with a friend, and your first instinct is to isolate yourself. What's going on, Vivian?"
"I don't want to talk about it."
And it's the truth.
"Why?"
Because your question leads to too many things, I want to answer. Because it hits the bullseye. Because you understood what I'm doing, but I don't want to hurt you. I can't tell you that I don't trust you. I can't share anything with you, it would only make your commitment worse. Or I would disgust you and I'm weak, I still want to stay a bit longer around you, it makes the time before I finally die less hard…
I don't want to actually lie to him, even if I could never tell the truth. So, I pick a half-truth, because he deserves an answer and is waiting patiently.
"I've always lived alone. I've never had friends, growing up, and you're the only one who looked a bit like one before I arrived in Hogwarts. I'm used to dealing with everything on my own, and my independence is crucial to me. I see you as a friend, but it doesn't come naturally to me to speak freely. That's all, don't worry. It's nothing personal.."
Arthur remains silent for a while before putting his hand on my shoulder, squeezing it gently. For once, I don't pull away.
"Thank you for this answer. I can understand, but this will have to change. Because I'm here now. We're friends and I won't let you withdraw yourself."
I believe I gave him enough emotional time and I stand up, pulling away from his hand (ignoring the heartache I feel when I break the contact), sighing exaggeratedly.
"I'll try. Bloody Hufflepuffs…" I'm lying, of course. But that's for his own good.
"Love you too!"
I punch him in the shoulder, and Arthur stands up, pretending it hurts.
"Ewald must be at the library. If we join him now, we should have time for a Dominaris game before dinner!"
"If I have to…" I answer. It's just for the show, actually it makes me happy that he dropped the topic, and to spend some time with him.
In the evening, I realise I still haven't retrieved the Occlumency books, and I weigh the pro and cons before I ask Ewald, who is sitting beside me:
"When do you think you could lend me the books we talked about? I forgot to ask you again after what happened last time."
Arthur didn't notice, he's talking with Al', who eats more often with us. Apparently he got in a fight with Jordans.
"Oh, right.I'll go get them after the meal, otherwise we're likely to forget again. Maybe we can meet at your lair?"
"It's a bit far from your dorm, maybe rather in our meeting room?"
"Sure."
After the appointment is made, I refocus on Arthur and Al's conversation, easily joining it with Ewald.
xxx
Once the meal is over, I go to the meeting room (where we often meet with the group and that we rearranged a bit) and wait for Ewald. He doesn't take too long to arrive, considering how far his Common Room is. Before giving me the books, he warns me again: As much as possible, I should avoid training alone, and in any case I'm not allowed to try anything new without having him around (apparently, he's my self-appointed teacher). I should also take my time, perfectly understand the theory before starting practice. I don't promise anything more than last time, except for letting him be around for my first practical attempt. After he's done enumerating everything, I extend my hand to take the books, but he asks:
"So, what's your actual reason for learning Occlumency?"
I'm not even surprised that he remembers to ask, but I would have preferred if didn't have. I'll have to lie again.
"First, because I find it interesting. But mostly because I read it could be useful to handle trauma, organise one's memories…"
Ewald stares at me in silence, looking like he's just realised something.
"Did you see a psychomagus after what happened the summer you met Arthur."
"Of course not. My parents are Muggles, they don't know what happened."
"But how did the Obliviators just let you go like that? That's fully irresponsible!" Ewald looks like he's about to be really outraged, but I calm him down.
"It's me who told them not to erase my memory. I think they believed Arthur's mum would bring me to one. They just all underestimated my need for independence. And look, I'm doing well!" I say with a smile. Ewald shakes his head, but admits, reluctantly:
"I guess… Now I understand better why they let it be. A witch had your custody, Arthur even mentioned it. You know, maybe you could see a psychomagus now, rather than trying to learn Occlumency. It probably would be more efficient."
"No way."
"Why?"
"I didn't need any to survive, and this story belongs to the past. More importantly, apart from everything else, my life is my business. And I don't want to talk more about it." I answer, dryly. "But don't worry." I say with a smile that hopefully seems sincere "I'm fine. But ever since those events I've been interested in the mind's functioning and how it interacts with magic, and I think Occlumency could bring me some benefits."
"That's right." answers Ewald, looking thoughtful
"So, are you giving me those books or what?"
And finally, Ewald gives them to me as I extend my hand. I'm still on my guard, but I manage to smile a bit more, and have a short, lighter talk with the Slytherin before heading back to my tower. I have a look at the books before sleeping. One mostly covers the History of Mind Magics, talking about the various disciplines and their use, as well as the spells that are linked to them. It's a lot of theory, but a great source of information. It's the book Ewald recommended me to read first. The last two books are thinner, and way more practical. One is more advanced than the other, and both offer different methods to shelter one's mind. It's a good thing that I finally have those books, I'll finally be able to do something.
xxx
« Faudrait-il toujours oublier sa colère ?
Pour moi qui l'ai construite dans une cage de fer
Qui reste là, futile, attendant qu'on l'oublie
Comment devrais-je agir ?
Comme si j'avais le choix
Celui qui ose dire est une cible de droit »*
xxx
*Should one always forget their anger?
For me who built it in an iron cage
Which remains here, futile, waiting to be forgotten
How should I be acting?
As if I had a choice
They, who dare speaking, are a righteous target
-Poem copied in Aurore Berger's poetry notebook -
That's it for this chapter.
What did you think of Vivian's friends reactions? I'm sorry for Arthur, a bit xD
See you in the next one, in the meantime please comment and follow :p