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The next morning, I head down to breakfast with the sole purpose of talking to Ewald. I need to tell him what I've discovered. But when I arrive in the Great Hall, he's already seated with Arthur. The Hufflepuff probably sees me but acts as if he hasn't. I fight the urge to turn around and instead sit at the edge of the bench next to the Slytherin, inadvertently interrupting the seventh years' conversation.
"Morning, sorry to interrupt," I whisper quickly. "Ewald, can we talk for a bit after you're done eating?"
He looks at me with a somewhat surprised expression, and Arthur seems to be holding back from speaking but presses his lips together with a slightly disgusted look. I reach out with my mind to the Slytherin to tell him:
" I've found something more in my memories."
He nods and responds out loud:
"I have Quidditch practice this morning, but we can meet before that. I'll see you in fifteen minutes at the castle doors, alright?"
"Alright, thanks." I stand up and add, "Sorry for the interruption, enjoy your meal."
I'm about to leave when Ewald asks:
"Aren't you eating?"
"I've already eaten."
"Really?" Arthur chimes in, speaking for the first time with a slightly aggressive tone. I walk away, replying, "Well, yes, last night," in a falsely playful tone. I don't feel like eating. I nod at Alphonse, who is seated with three guys from the team near the exit, and he returns the gesture with a smile. I don't stop and go sit in front of the castle, despite the cold, waiting for Ewald.

He arrives before the fifteen minutes are up. Without needing to discuss it, we walk a bit away from the castle. We remain standing because of the cold, and he asks me, "So, what's going on?"
I don't bother responding verbally, instead choosing to re-establish our mental connection and draw him into my mind. He follows the motion without question, and I push my discovery to the forefront of my consciousness. I feel him take in the information and try to gauge the extent of my locked memories himself. I sense his surprise giving way to concern and deep curiosity, but I also feel his determination to understand what it all means. That will be useful. He's a bit pressed for time, so I don't expect him to stay long, but he still takes the time to say to me:
"You hurt him, you know?"
I consider pretending not to understand who he's talking about, but there's no point. He means Arthur, who else? I manage to control my annoyance at the topic being brought up.
"I know, but I can't help it. It's better for him this way, believe me."
"What makes you think that?"
"As I've explained before, I'm not a good person. I would have hurt him; he was already suffering from our friendship. I can't give him what he wants, I need to manage myself, and I don't need him causing more chaos. I know he means well, and I like him, but that's exactly why we couldn't stay friends."
"I think you shouldn't decide for others what's good for them or not, especially in this kind of situation."
"I'm not deciding for him; I'm deciding for myself. Sure, I think it's better for him too, but if I'm acting this way, it's primarily because it's better for me."
"And why is it better for you to push away a friend? To isolate yourself?"
"Maybe I like it, have you thought about that? The solitude, the peace, and the freedom to do as I please. I like Arthur, but he's too intrusive. I'm used to being alone, and I feel more like myself when I am."
"Because of the secrets you keep?"

I take a second to respond. Technically, yes, there's some truth to that. At least, in terms of feeling like myself. Beyond that, there's this mix of wanting to protect people and keep my secrets and plans for suicide safe—things that can all be accomplished through isolation. I wasn't supposed to live now, so I shouldn't have gotten involved in my friends' lives. Now that the damage is done, I have to fix it all. I remember Ewald's question. I nod in response.
"You know, you could tell him what you've told me. He wouldn't judge you; on the contrary, all he wants is to help."
"I know. It doesn't change anything," I say, closing off.
Ewald looks displeased. He probably would have insisted if the Quidditch team from his house hadn't appeared in the distance at that moment, heading toward the pitch. Instead, he just says, "This conversation isn't over, Vivian."
Then he turns and heads off to join his team. I don't wait to head back towards the castle. I spend the morning doing my homework in the library, but leave when I see Arthur and Cian arrive. I then practice some spells in an empty classroom.
I arrive early for lunch, and I realize I don't want to talk to anyone, even less so for Ewald to manage to corner me into continuing our discussion. But where can I go to find some peace? He knows my secret spot. Then, I have a revelation. The Room of Requirement. It's now or never to enter, especially since the teachers will be in the Great Hall. So, I discreetly gather some food into my bag and quickly leave the room before Alphonse or Ewald arrive.

Speaking of which, I barely avoid him as I head down towards the Slytherin common room while he's coming up, accompanied by his team captain and two players. I hide in a parallel corridor and hear them discussing strategy as they pass by. I continue on my way and reach the entrance to the secret passage without further trouble. It takes me two tries to properly push the torch holder into the slot that triggers the passage's opening. I finally enter and climb the stairs as quickly as I can, eager to reach safety.
Fortunately for me, the corridors around the Room of Requirement seem deserted. I walk past the suits of armour with shields as tall as me three times, thinking, " I need a pleasant place to spend the weekend." A discreet door appears in the wall. I quickly slip inside and close the it behind me. I turn to see where I've ended up and stand there, momentarily speechless.

The room before me is immense, resembling a vast, roughly square cave with numerous brightly glowing orbs hanging from the ceiling. Strangely, their light doesn't hurt my eyes, even when I look directly at them. The first thing I notice is a large climbing wall on one of the left walls. It curves along the contours of the cave walls up to the vault of the ceiling, and at its base, there's a pool that looks like a hidden spring. Is it there to catch climbers if they fall? That's absolutely amazing! I've always wanted to try deep-water soloing since I discovered it existed through a YouTube video. I also notice two platforms at the end of the pool, accessible by ladders. One is halfway up, while the other is nearly at ceiling height. What is that, ten to twelve meters high? So cool.
The rest of the room is also quite nice. There are several small alcoves in the rock, each dedicated to a different activity. Directly ahead, there's a sort of changing area with a shelf and some spare clothes (I notice with delight some climbing shoes that I hope are my size). Next to it is a library alcove with a few books and a very comfortable-looking armchair. Another alcove contains a rather cosy looking bed. Finally, there's a wooden table on the right side of the room, with a chair and some drawing and painting supplies. Even the table is beautiful to me. It's made of raw wood, with the legs seemingly formed from tree trunks that have gracefully grown to support the tabletop, which looks like a natural extension of them.
I take a moment to admire the room (a whole few seconds!) before giving in to my excitement and rushing over to the changing area to check out the shoes. They're worn but still functional. I wonder what the student who left them there was like, what their story was. Regardless, I'm grateful they left them behind because they fit me well. Not as well as my own, but honestly, I can't complain. I find a pair of swim trunks in the changing area that fit me and decide to put them on. It's warm in the room, and I want to test out the climbing wall. Swimming will do me good too, I think. I place my clothes on the shelf, along with the paedophile's wand. I also remove my dagger but bring it with me to set it down by the water's edge along with my wand. I don't want to be too far from them. I wonder if I'd be able to use a wandless Accio to summon my wand to me. The question distracts me from my climbing plans, and I make a few attempts that lead to nothing. Dosn't matter, I'll look into it later. I know wandless magic is complicated, and right now, I have a wall to climb.

I spend the afternoon enjoying the climbing wall, climbing up, falling off and belly-flopping into the water, then jumping from the platforms. At first, I worry the holds will be too slippery once my hands get wet, but I quickly realize the wall must have some sort of hydrophobic enchantment that repels water from my hands on contact. I swim too, when I'm tired. The water is warm, and I could almost fall asleep in it. I take some time to do my homework as well, and to write a few poems. I fly a bit on my broom, but the cave is a bit too small to really have fun. Anyway, I can fly whenever I want outside, but I can't often swim and climb like this.
I end up spending the entire weekend in the Room, keeping track of time with a few Tempus spells. I sleep quite well, exhausted from the physical activity, even though my mind seems to take a perverse pleasure in torturing me with dreams where I see Quentin, my brother, the paedophile... And even when I'm having fun on the wall, I still feel that foreign magic in my mind hiding my memories. And then, I think about Arthur a lot. My feelings towards him are tumultuous and mixed. I feel both affection for him and anger, disappointment and a dark satisfaction. I hope he'll forget me quickly. He reminds me of Quentin. I regret having to hurt him as I did. I'm disappointed, in a way, that it ended like this. I would have expected more resistance from him, not this hostility. It's for the best. I try to convince myself of that. And Ewald... I'm afraid he might start annoying me too. Thankfully, Al, at least, is capable of accepting my silences, although a part of me is disappointed by that too. No one really wants to know, I remind myself. No one really cares about you; those who think they do are just mistaken about you. They have no idea what a monster I am.

Sunday evening, I'm forced to leave my retreat and rejoin the realm of mortals. I make the effort to head to the Great Hall and sit at the end of the Ravenclaw table. I've arrived a bit early, and none of my "friends" are here yet. Arthur is the first to arrive, arm in arm with Cian, and he ignores me as he sits at my house's table. I know he saw me. It hurts less than it could have. I'm getting used to it. Al' is the next to arrive, heading straight towards me with the guy from the team who was his partner during the Firefly Hunt.
"Hey Viv'! We didn't see you all weekend, where were you? You missed practice on Saturday!"
"Sorry, I was busy with my world dominati-optimization plans. And anyway, I'm a reserve player; that should allow me to skip practice regularly. I have full confidence in Jenkins not getting injured before the next match."
Alphonse's friend, Vincent Williams, chokes a bit on his pumpkin juice, amused by my excuse. Al' takes on an annoyed expression before responding:
"I don't share your confidence. If he keeps getting on my nerves like he does, you'll be playing against Hufflepuff in February. And it might be quite possible for me to be linked to the unfortunate accident that will leave him immobile."
Williams bursts out laughing, short and genuine.
"I'd be willing to give you a hand, I admit."
"What did that idiot do this time?" I ask. I've never liked Jenkins, between his aggressiveness towards Ewald and the stupidity he showed at the last match by losing the Snitch because he was too busy mocking other players, but Al' is usually less harsh towards him.

"Nothing in particular, really. I just think I've had enough of him. He refuses to listen to my advice, won't admit his mistakes, and spends his time criticising others as if he can afford to... He really got on my nerves yesterday!"
"Weren't you friends initially?"
"Not really," sighs Al'. "Originally, he helped me get into the team when I first arrived at Hogwarts because he was a Muggle-born like me, and I bribed him with some Coke since you can't get that at Hogwarts. He wasn't too annoying back then. I think it was easier to mistake his arrogance for confidence," my friend grumbles.
"The problem with Jenkins," Williams interjects, "is that he's the type who's always testing the limits and constantly surrounded by people. It's best not to have him as an enemy, not because he's particularly dangerous, but because he's incredibly annoying, especially when he's got it in for you."
Al' lets out a dry laugh and sighs before turning to me.
"That's a pretty good description... Anyway, even if he hasn't done anything serious enough to warrant being kicked off the team, I'm really fed up. So if he keeps this up, you'll play, and too bad for him. He might have more experience than you, but I hope that in a match, you'll focus on your role rather than on who our opponents' mothers are sleeping with..."
As the conversation continues, Ewald enters the Great Hall. When he passes behind me, I feel his mind brush against mine.
" Are you okay?"
" All good," I respond in kind.
" The Room of Requirement, right?"
I let our bond convey a silent confirmation, wondering how he knew. He walks away to join Arthur, and in that brief moment, I could also sense that he'd been a bit worried, but he doesn't comment further.

The following weeks pass without any notable incidents, my emotions murky as if enveloped in a fog. I get up, go to classes, skip at least one meal a day, plaster on wide smiles when Scorpius or Alphonse make jokes, and burst into loud laughter... But it's all just a facade. Inside, I feel empty. I am anxious and repulsed by these memories sealed within me.
At one point, Alphonse expresses surprise at seeing me estranged from Arthur. I simply tell him that our views are too different, but that maybe one day things will change. Of course, I don't believe a word of it, but the important thing is just to have some peace. I think Ewald would like to have a conversation with me, but I make sure to be very unavailable by spending as much time as possible with Al', and occasionally with Scorpius and his friends. I suspect the Slytherin knows exactly what I'm doing, but he doesn't try to force me to talk, which is something at least. I'm well aware that if he wanted to corner me, he could. I make an effort to attend one or two Quidditch practices to keep Al' happy, but even flying doesn't manage to stir the dull crust of indifference encasing my mind. I also occasionally teach him a bit of fire staff technique. On weekends, after practice, I retreat to the Room of Requirement.

xxx

Tuesday, the 11th of December. It's been almost a month since I found out my mind had been tampered with. The Christmas holidays are approaching. By the end of the week, Hogwarts will be deserted. I haven't yet decided whether to go back to my parents' or not. I've received an enthusiastic letter via Batman from my mother, who doesn't have the slightest inkling of my hesitation. Apparently, she's invited half the family to ours for Christmas, which includes my three cousins from her side and the four others from my dad's side. I haven't seen them often. They're all a bit older than me and feel awkward around their gifted cousin. They're not mean, just... uninteresting. And all of them together is just too many people. The more I think about it, the less I want to go. At the same time, staying at Hogwarts... there's not much to do. I'm quite discouraged and frustrated thinking about my fruitless research, all these questions I can't find answers to. Maybe a change of scenery would at least distract me a bit and spare me the fatigue of confronting my parents, who wouldn't understand why I'd want to stay here.

I am pulled from my thoughts by the sight of Ewald, leaning slightly against the corridor wall I'm taking to head to the Great Hall for breakfast. I feel a nervous pang in my heart. What is he doing here? I hope it's not another discussion about Arthur… But no. He moves closer, and I can see from his even more serious-than-usual expression that it's probably not about that. My suspicion is immediately confirmed when he says, after we exchange quick greetings:
"I've done all the research I could on your memories... I didn't really find much useful… Apparently, trying to break the block by force is the only viable solution."
I don't miss his pinched expression.
"But...?"
"It's risky, Vivian. I'm not a complete novice, but I'm far from an expert. I can't guarantee success, even though I'm relatively confident I'll manage, and it will be dangerous in any case. And the problem is, I don't even know exactly what to expect if I make a mistake. I think I can avoid us losing our memory or blocking areas of our minds, I don't think the consequences could be truly dire... But I can't say for sure."
I freeze. Does this mean he's backing out of helping me? I need this. But I can't ask him to take risks for me. It would be unfair. I need to find a way to do it on my own. No matter the risks, if it's only me at stake.
"How can I break the barrier on my own, then?"
Ewald looks at me with slight surprise.
"By yourself? Why?"
"You're right, if it's dangerous, you shouldn't take the risk. But I need to know, and I can't trust people. So, do you think there's a way for me to do it?"
"I didn't say I was refusing to do it, Vivian," the Slytherin calmly points out. I give a small, embarrassed grimace. "I just want you to be aware of the risks. I know you feel a vital need to recover the memory that's been erased, and I can only imagine how I'd react in such a situation, even if I can't truly understand. I'll help you, if you're sure you want to take these risks."
"I'm sure. But do you really want to do this, even though it's dangerous for you too?"
"I said I'd help you. And I trust my abilities. It's not a guarantee, but I think the stakes are worth it, don't you?"
I simply nod, letting out a "Thank you." A part of me feels guilty for agreeing to put him in danger, but as he said, the stakes are worth it. I loathe myself for doing this. For using him. But I'm doing what I need to do. At least, I know Ewald always carefully weighs his decisions, which eases some of my responsibility in the matter.

He accompanies me to breakfast, and we start eating alone together for the first time in weeks. We use this opportunity to set the date for the intervention. I want it to be done before the holidays, and at first, I'm worried that Ewald might refuse to act so quickly. However, my fears are dispelled when he tells me that he has already had all the preparation he could hope for and that we could sort it out swiftly. We decide on Thursday late afternoon, in place of the flying club. He warns me that he will likely inform Arthur that we're going to attempt a Legilimency experiment, without giving details, just as a precaution. I'm not thrilled, but I understand that Ewald needs this security, and it's better than having a professor involved… Alphonse joins us midway through the meal, monopolising the conversation, which suits me fine as I can zone out, nodding at strategic moments, my mind running at full throttle, focused on my missing memories and the upcoming Thursday.

xxx

" If I could cease to exist, disappear, and have my existence completely erased, I would take that offer immediately. This simple idea fills me with such a thirst, such a desire. My words are too weak to express how much I yearn for this, for that impossible. I wouldn't exist, I wouldn't suffer, and those I care about wouldn't be hurt by my disappearance, since I would never have existed…"

— Extract from a notebook by Aurore Berger, kept by Quentin Lemage after her death —

I'm curious to hear your theories about what is hidden in Vivian's mind :)
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