36. The flutter of a butterfly causing anxiety
One night a few days later, Su was laying on their bed, looking up at the ceiling. Yan had already fallen asleep next to her. Not being able to sleep for some reason, Su was just thinking about what had happened and what the future would bring, when suddenly she felt a tiny movement in her abdomen. It felt like a butterfly slowly flapping it's wings once, twice. After a few moments she felt it again. It was something she hadn't felt before, she quickly dismissed several causes and came to the conclusion that this very well could be the baby she felt moving. In wonder she gently placed her hands on her abdomen. This, more then the tiredness, nausea, stronger emotions and swelling of her abdomen, made Su realize that in a while they would have a baby and it was up to her to nurture it the best she could. It filled her with love and at the same time made her anxious. After all she had never experienced someone in her family being pregnant or having a baby or raising a child. How would she know what to do and what not to do? When she felt the baby move again she decided to just enjoy this moment. This moment was just for her, she never considered waking Yan as she could feel the movement only inside, her hands, on her abdomen didn't feel anything yet.
"Tell Nuo Ho to move his plan along, he's had plenty of time to take the necessary precautions. I want to see a result soon or I'll call him and his army back. This is a risky move as it is." The voice of his master sounded furious, the soldier nervously bowed and accepted the task to convey this news to Nuo Ho.
"Tell him to set an example if the citizens of the border town resist his generous offers. Losing a family won't be bad if it secures the willingness of the other families." Once more the soldier bowed.
"I will convey your message, master."
"Then why are you still here? Leave and hurry, I want to see results." The soldier bowed one more time and then scurried out of the darkened room.
"Where is Xiao Su?" Yan asked captain Liu, two weeks after Su had told him about the concubine situation. Liu, who was just reading a report from the night guard, quickly rose and bowed.
"The princess consort has left for the palace, she washed to see the dowager empress."
As this was an unexpected answer Yan furrowed his brow. He had known she wasn't at the Mingjing Office, because Luo Xin, whom had just taken his leave after a discussion with Yan, had told him Su wasn't working in the Office. Rushuang and brother Xie were out of town, travelling to the village where Rushuang had lived with her parents, so Su wasn't with them. Which had kind of exhausted the places Yan thought Su could be, but he had actually expected an answer like 'she is visiting the market with Fei Yuan' or 'she has gone to a parc nearby'. Voicing his surprise Yan said: "Why?" He knew Su didn't have an invitation, because the dowager empress was busy with the arrangements for the New Years' festivities, which would be held in two days. The dowager empress always made sure she wouldn't need to entertain in the week leading up to the New Year festival. Liu responded that he didn't know. "After she had shown four ladies out, she ordered the carriage to be made ready, changed her clothes and asked her guard and Fei Yuan to accompany her to the palace."
"What did the four guests want?" Yan asked, in this case suspecting the answer her received: they had offered their daughters as concubines. Liu added: "It seemed that the princess consort didn't like this, when she left for the palace she seemed a bit angry." Sighing Yan asked Liu to get his horse ready. This concubine situation was getting ridiculous and clearly it was getting to Su. Lately whenever he got home he would find Sue either exasperated or frustrated about the women who came to the mansion uninvited. These women now almost all got an audience with Su, as Su, for some unknown reason had taken to staying home and almost never going out. Which was slightly worrying to Yan and had surprised Luo Xin so much that he had come today to discuss this with Yan. Clearly something was going on with Su and it was high time he knew what it was.
A short while later Yan was walking to the favorite pavilion of the dowager empress. An eunuch had told him that was where the dowager empress and the princess where. "Your majesty." Yan greeted the dowager empress, who waved him closer: "Come and join us." As he sat down next to Su, he carefully took her face in and took her hand.
"Are you alright, my dear?" he saw that Su had apparently calmed down, because she simply nodded: "I'm all right. I just wanted to talk to the dowager empress about something." Fei Yuan poured the tea in Yan's cup, but Yan didn't really notice.
"Liu told me there had been some visitors." He started. Frustrated eyes met his: "A lady of the court came today, and stated quite directly what she wanted. Apparently I can't satisfy you anymore, since you are constantly going into the capital and palace alone. And surely I must have offended you because you have forbidden me from leaving our home. Why will people only see what they want to see? It isn't so difficult to come to the right conclusions." From the corner of his eye he saw the dowager empress discreetly try to hide a smile. He placed his hands on Su's face, making sure she was paying close attention to what he was saying: "Su, I've told you before: we'll always have to deal with rumors, let them be." As always he wasn't concerned about what others in attendance might think about this closeness between him and Su. What he saw beyond the frustration in Su's eyes worried him much more: there was a vulnerability that he hadn't seen since she had told him that she was the sole survivor of the Bai Liang Clan massacre. It was an insecurity within her and he could feel it wasn't insecurity about the love they had for each other, but rather an insecurity in herself. Something was weighing on her and he didn't know what. The dowager empress interrupted their moment: "You are right, there will always be rumors and you shouldn't take notice of them, but you both are forgetting something." Yan slid his hands down from Su's face to her shoulder and then slid his arm across her shoulders to pull her into his side. He watched the dowager empress: "What are we forgetting?"
"You can make those rumors work for you. Bai told me even family members and ladies of the court have come forward to offer their daughters. As I said before: I will dissuade them from doing this, but due to the new years festivities I haven't seen many. And even if I were to dissuade them: if they feel there would be a possibility that they will be met favorably, they will try. The rumors now tell them there is a break in the relationship of the Prince and Princess Qi, as they haven't been seen together much and the Princess has remained mostly at home." The dowager empress held her hand up to stop Su from commenting. "whether it is because Bai is pregnant now and has therefore fulfilled her duty as a wife or because people can't believe a couple to be so deep in love after the marriage, doesn't really matter. What you should do is make sure those rumors turn to your favor. Go out together, even if it isn't really necessary. Show the people in the capital that within your relationship, within your home, there is only place for the two of you. Use the New Years festivities, that way all the members of the Royal Family and all families of the court will see your relationship is still as strong as it was before. Be as brazen as you always are. You know the emperor and I will support you." Yan smiled, he liked this solution, this was something they could easily do and they would love doing it. He watched Su and saw she was interested in this course of action. She seemed to consider it a bit more and quickly concluded that this might work. "Why don't you start now and take a walk around the palace. Maids like to talk with other maids. I have to leave, I have more preparations for the New Years festivities to attend to. Bai, remember what we talked about and come back anytime you wish to talk. Yan take care of your wife." Yan and Su rose to bow for the dowager empress, as she rose to leave them. Yan followed her departure, the dowager empress might not be his birth mother, bur she had always been like a mother to him. To know that Su could come to her for motherly advice filled him with relief. Then he turned back to Su and decided he needed a hug first, so he took her in his arms and felt her embrace him as well. "Come, I want to show you one of my favorite places in the palace." Yan took Su's hand and walked to a smaller lake at the edge of the palace. Large boulders lined the edge of the lake and Yan helped Su up them to get to a higher place, from where there was a beautiful view over the rest of the place. Together they enjoyed the view for a few moments, then Yan sat down and pulled Su down next to him. Su leaned into his embrace, looking out over the palace. She was thankful that she didn't need to manage the palace. Managing Qi Mansion was taxing enough she had discovered these two weeks in which she hadn't left it. It wasn't just the preparations for the New Years festivities, it was all the small day-to-day things that needed her attention. And she had missed her work at Mingjing Office, actually going there and discussing cases, training the junior detectives. Yan had waited for Su to start, but as she didn't say anything he decided to begin the conversation: "Luo Xin came to visit me, he actually came to the military camp."
"Why did he want to see you? Is there a development in the case of the Ghost Army?"
"He was wondering why you hadn't come to the office this last week. And I'm wondering the same thing. I can see you're bored at home, but you refuse to go to the office or into the city. What is going on?" Su, who was seated with her arms around her raised knees, didn't respond immediately, but suddenly lowered her knees, grasped Yan's hand and placed it over her abdomen. Surprised by this Yan looked at Su, who was looking at their hands covering her abdomen. "Can you feel it?" She asked and as Yan was starting to aske what he should be feeling, he felt the tiniest of movements under his fingers. Shocked he looked at their hands and then back up into Su's face.
"Is that…" he asked, disbelieving. With a big smile and tears in her eyes Su nodded. "That's amazing." He said, feeling another movement, it was so small, but now that he knew how it felt it was so clear. Still looking down at their hands Su told Yan she had first felt it about a week and a half ago. "And then I fully realized that we are going to have a child … and I don't know… since then all I can think of is that I have to do what is best for our child. We have to take care of it, raise it. But before that it needs to be kept save with me." Yan realized he needed to give Su time and space to explain what had happened. But this was clearly not only about the concubine situation. So he simply remained silent and let her talk. "I suddenly could only think about all the potential dangers. What if something happened at a murder scene I'm investigating or someone could knock me down when I'm walking down the street. And how am I going to raise this child? I don't know anything about babies or children. What do they need? How am I going to get all of these things? Last week I met with your sisters and sisters-in-law, here in the palace. One of the Mingjing guards came with an emergency case, as I was reviewing it a little away from the table where we were sharing tea and they were sat doing some embroidery. But I could still hear them and they were saying a good mother should know how to cook and embroider and all those wifely activities, because only then could a woman raise accomplished children. What if we have a girl? I can't teach her to cook. I could teach some embroidery, but not much. Ans I certainly don't know much about these other wifely pursuits." As Yan listened and watched Su he saw she was losing control, so he turned fully to her and turned his hand that had been on her abdomen, so he could grasp her hand that had been laying over his. "Calm down." Su now looked into his eyes, up until that point she had been staring, Yan was fairly sure she hadn't seen anything, out over the lake. The uncertainty and tears in her eyes nearly broke Yan's heart. Su was always quite confident in what she could do, and to see her doubt herself was heartbreaking. And yet, some of those doubts he shared. Since he knew they were going to have a child Yan had also worried about raising it the right ways and teaching what you need to know or be able to do. "Come." He pulled her in to his embrace, keeping her close. "I remember talking with Zhang shortly before we started to march on Honggu. He told me his life would be changed after the war. He meant that when he would return home he'd have a child to care for. At that time I thought he was exaggerating, but now I think he was right. I would have loved to talk with him in these last weeks, to hear how his life had changed."
"I just want to talk with my mother. Would you have spoked with your father?" Su leaden against his chest, feeling herself calm down.
"No, my father cared for us and he loved to train us, but he didn't raise us. It was the dowager empress, the concubines and my aunts who raised us."
"The dowager empress did say it would be good to talk to our sister-in-law, since she experienced pregnancy and childbirth most recently. But I prefer to talk to the dowager empress. It just overwhelms me." Su softly admitted. Yan looked down on Su's head stroking her head.
"I know, but we'll figure it out together. The same way we figured out the plan of prince Yun, step by step." Su snuggled closer.
"How about we walk back home together. I'll join you on your outings until you feel secure enough to go out with the guards. Let's visit the New Years market tomorrow. Alright?" Su nodded, but didn't move and just remained in Yan's arms. Once again she took his hand and placed it over her abdomen.
"Do you think we'll be able to raise our child well?" she asked.
"Of course, we'll learn as we go. We'll teach what we know, you can teach them about investigating, the law, justice. I'll teach them about the military and train them."
"Them?" Su looked up at Yan's face.
"I do believe we had decided to have a large family…to make up what we lost?" They smiled together, remembering the time they had discussed their future, while investigation the death of the late emperor.
"What about the cooking?"
"Why are you so worried about the cooking? This child is the child of Prince Qi and will have enough cooks to cook for him or her. And if it's really important to you that our child knows how to cook, we'll aske Fei Yuan to teach the child to cook. Fei Yuan will love it. Who knows he might be more successful in teaching our child to cook, then he is in teaching you to cook." Yan teased Su, relishing the joy on her face.
"What do you mean? I haven't cooked for you since that time when you were temporarily blind."
"I know, but I think Fei Yuan considers it a failure that he hasn't been able to get you to cook since then." Yan gave Su a quick kiss. "Are you alrigh now?"
"Yes. Thank you. I'm sorry I made you worry about me."
"I'll always worry about you, but I'm glad we talked and you're feeling better now. Come, it's time to go home." Yan helped Su to stand up and together they walked hand in hand through the royal gardens. When they reached a place were quite a lot of maids were sweeping in p reparation for the new year, Yan kissed her hand and turned her towards him. "Now about those concubines."
"I'm not worried too much. It's just annoying. Sometimes I can just laugh about it, but the next time it just irritates or frustrates me. I don't really know why my emotions are so strong, but the dowager empress told me she and our sister-in-law were the same. Apparently being pregnant makes a woman more emotional." Smiling Su looked up at Yan, who lovingly looked back. He slowly placed his hands on the sides of her face and bent down to kiss her, deeply, passionately and in full view of the maids who were doing the last sweeping before the New Year eve reunion dinner. Reluctantly Yan broke the kiss, happily noting the disappointed sound coming from Su, took her hand and purposefully walked out of the palace, through the city to their home, where in the privacy of their bedroom he kissed her again and took her to their bed.
The palace was filled with all the members of the Royal family even the distant family members had been welcomed by the emperor and the dowager empress. The large dining hall was decorated with red and servants rushed to place the last dishes on the tables. As they talked with the family members Yan and Su held each other's hands, making sure they wouldn't be separated. Su had joined the family reunion dinner the previous year and as well as this year, Yan had kept her at his side throughout all the festivities. It had been an overwhelming experience for Su, who hadn't celebrated New Year since the Bei Liang Clan massacre. To suddenly be expected to celebrate the New Year with a large family she didn't even know had unnerved her. Now it was still an overwhelming experience, but one she now know how to handle. And the best way to handle it was, staying close to Yan, which she gladly did. There had been an occasion when they had been separated, Yan had been in conversation with the second prince, his younger brother, who was already a father, when the dowager empress had take Su to discuss certain fabrics with tone of the female members of the family. When Yan had looked around to try and find Su again, several of his younger nieces and young maidens further removed in the family had gathered around him, trying to catch his eye, flatter him and touch him. Su had seen what was happening and excused herself from her conversation to rescue Yan. Yan was uninterested, but these maidens either didn't notice or choose to ignore this disinterest Yan was displaying. Smoothly inserting herself between Yan and a young maiden standing too close to him, Su placed her hand on his upper arm and sweetly informed him that the emperor wished to see them. The relief was clearly visible in his eye and a smirk informed Su just in time that he was thinking mischievous thoughts. He took her hand kissed it and then towed her away from the disappointed girls. "Your majesty, allow us to present this to you. We hope it will give you good luck in the coming year." Yan bowed, presenting a red packet to the emperor.
"Thank you, Royal brother."
"We've visited Pei Mansion today, open the packet in private." Su warned the emperor, who immediatly wanted to find that privacy. Knowing it would contain a letter from Xin.
"Where is mother? It's time to sit down for dinner." The emperor handed the packet reluctantly to eunuch Liu, asking him to place it in his bedchamber. Then he found his mother and together they lead everyone to the dining hall to eat. As was customary every household had their own table and food. The middle of the hall had been kept empty as this was were the dancers, singers and musicians would perform. The emperor and the dowager empress were seated on a raised dais and closest to them were Yan and Su seated. During the dinner Su often fed Yan and vice versa, there were a few food Su couldn't eat anymore, as they would still trigger a bout of nausea. Under the table they held hands, Yan often squeezing Su's or stroking her hand with his thumb. Several young maidens from the family danced, sang or played an instrument to display their talents, most were hoping to catch the emperors eye, but some were also clearly trying to get Yan's attention. But he was only interested in Su, often toasting with wine and water for Su, looking deep in her eyes, smiling and sometimes even kissing her hands. On some occasions Su placed his hand on her abdomen, when she felt the baby move. The dowager empress saw this display and approved. To her dismay she also saw that her own son was distracted and showed no real interest in the maidens before him. This despaired the dowager empress. As the night deepened the family went outside to enjoy the fireworks, after which they bade each other a good night and each left for their own home or rooms. Su and Yan amongst the first to leave as this day had been quite exhausting for Su.
After the last of their guests had left the emperor quickly excused himself to his mother and left for his personal chambers. The dowager empress watched him leave and wondered why he had gone to his chambers so soon.