I sit on the exam table with my legs hanging off the edge, feet swinging back and forth nervously. I feel cold in here just wearing my socks, bra, and a thin blue medical gown. When I'd had to change today it had been a little less awkward than last time, with Cappie turning around while I did so without me having to yell at him to.
Cappie's currently sitting in a chair across from me holding all my stuff in his lap. He's on edge just like me, I can tell, the two of us anxiously awaiting seeing the baby again. Anxiously knowing we're probably going to hear its heartbeat, and hoping to confirm that it's coming along okay.
I wouldn't say it aloud to Cappie but I really hoped we could hear it's heartbeat. I hated the fact but… I was actually really excited to hear it, to hear evidence that this thing, this little person inside me, was actually there. I'd honestly barely been able to sleep last night I was thinking so much about it, about what it would be like to hear it, wondering how it would make me feel.
A knock on the door makes me immediately jolt out of my skin, making me jump.
"Everything okay to come in?", I hear Dr. Thomas' voice outside the door. She sounds kind, sort of jolly too, which definitely helps. It's easier than if she was really negative and uncaring about this whole thing.
"Yes, I'm dressed", I call back.
"Well hi there you two", She enters the room and closes the door behind her, giving me a smile and then turning to Cappie to give him a smile too which he returns nervously.
"Hi!", I give her a nervous wave and a nod. "I guess… I don't know if you remember us but—"
"Yes, of course I remember you Casey", she smiles. "Casey and Cappie".
She gives the both of us a knowing look.
"I know how hard things were for you last time, how unexpected this was and how much of a difficult decision you had to make", She looks empathetically at me now. "And then I saw that they had booked you in for a termination procedure a few weeks back…"
"Yeah I ended up deciding not to go through with it", I say meekly. "I just… at the end of the day I couldn't do it. So… I'm having the baby now".
I scoff a bit, the words still sounding insane coming out of my mouth even though I've known for awhile now and gotten much more used to the idea of being pregnant.
"Well I'm happy you've decided to do what's right for you", She sits down on her wheeling stool now, giving me a kind smile. "That's what matters the most".
I nod, feeling my heart pound in my chest as I watch her pull up my chart on the computer.
"I brought the forms I was sent to fill out", I blurt out slightly, handing her a file folder with them in it. "They're all in here".
"Perfect! Thank you so much, we just like to have these for our files, I'll look over them later just to get an idea of any health issues or anything that we should be aware of. But I'm assuming you two are probably pretty healthy", She says.
"Yeah we are", I nod, looking over to Cappie who confirms with a nod as well. "No health conditions or concerns between the two of us. Just… two people that didn't really plan to have a baby failing miserably at it".
I scoff slightly, trying to lighten the mood, words just seeming to be slipping out of my mouth.
"Sorry when I'm nervous I… I say stupid things", I shake my head awkwardly.
"It's totally fine", Dr. Thomas laughs slightly and then puts her hand on my knee. "Really, I want you to be as relaxed as possibly. I'm certainly not here to judge you, only to help you have the best pregnancy you can possibly have. Does that sound good?"
She smiles at me so genuinely that I can't help but not be put at ease by her. That's why I wanted to come back here and have her as my doctor. She had this sort of motherly quality about her. Except… like a mother that doesn't judge, which is the best kind because if it were my real mother here she certainly would.
"That sound perfect", I sigh out in relief. "Thank you".
"Of course", She nods sweetly and then looks back and forth between me and Cappie.
"Have you two told anyone else yet?", She asks us sort of cautiously, I'm sure realizing that we're young and scared and probably reluctant to tell our parents that we've screwed up. "Like parents or friends?"
I look over to catch a glance with Cappie for a moment, his mouth open like he might speak but I think he's looking for me to talk.
"Um I'm just sort of waiting until I totally figure out what to do yet until we both tell the our parents", I gesture between me and Cappie, speaking sort of awkwardly. "I just want to have a concrete plan before I tell my parents. And I also… kind of wanted to get past 12 weeks because I know that you can definitely miscarry in that first time period. But… as for our friends, they know, lots of people at our school know."
I explain this to her. But I didn't feel like explaining how they knew not because we wanted them to but because it unfortunately got around without my consent.
"My best friend and brother know which is nice because they support me", I add on quickly. "And my brother is sort of Cappie's best friend too so… that's nice".
I gesture over to Cappie and he nods.
I sort of felt like I was just spewing out whatever came to my mind right now, that's how nervous I was. Mostly because this whole thing scared me, but also because I didn't wanted Dr. Thomas to think that we're irresponsible 20 year old college students who got pregnant by accident and have no plan put together for their future. Even if I did feel like my life was a mess, I didn't want her to know that, I didn't want to be a stereotype.
"That's great", She gives us a sweet smile. I have a feeling she can sense how scared I am right now. "It's really important to have a good support system in your position Casey. And you too of course Cappie".
I nod, giving her a sincere smile.
"Yeah I feel like we do", Cappie chimes in. "We're… sort of each other's support system through this too".
He shrugs slightly, sharing a glance with me quickly, making my heart skip a beat.
I suppose Cappie was right. Whether I liked it or not this guy that I never thought I'd be in this position with, this guy who I'd never thought I'd be close to like this ever again, was somehow now the only person who I wanted to comfort me. The only person that could truly understand exactly what I was going through.
"That's great", Dr. Thomas smiles gingerly. "So I guess we're here to have a baby then, huh?"
She laughs slightly, making me do the same, putting me at ease a bit.
"Yeah I guess we are", I can't help but scoff, still feeling so weird about this.
"Well it's definitely a journey, pregnancy. And of course so is giving birth, the newborn stage…", She explains. "I've got lots of paperwork to give you today, we call it our pregnancy bible. It's just a list of information and resources for throughout your pregnancy that you can read through. Just some dos and don'ts. I think it would be really helpful to read especially since this is your first pregnancy".
"Oh yeah that would be great", I smile. "I could definitely use that".
"Yeah Casey loves research", Cappie laughs slightly, looking at me with a smirk when he says that.
I can't help but give him a sort of playful glare while Dr. Thomas is busy looking through her drawer to find it for me.
"Alright perfect! So I'll send you home with this", She places the stapled stack of papers on top her desk.
"Great", I nod, but I'm still feeling like I have to bring up the elephant in the room. Because I'm sure she was just assuming that we were now going to keep the baby at the end of this and I wanted to let her know that I still wasn't exactly sure what to do. "We uh… we are still looking at adoption too".
I get out the words like it's hard to say. Because truthfully it is. I didn't want to give the baby up for adoption. I wanted to go through this appointment, have a nice experience hearing it's heartbeat with Cappie, see how it's grown on the ultrasound. But… unfortunately I was a realist. And I still wasn't convinced that me and Cappie would be able to get everything together to give this baby the best shot at a good life.
"Oh okay", She looks a little bit surprised if I'm not mistaken, but she quickly sobers up, becoming more serious. "That's definitely a good route you can take, especially since I know your ages and the stage you're at in life are probably weighing on your mind. As well as all the other difficult factors that come into play when raising a baby. I'm not aware of your situation fully, but I know at 20 I would've been terrified to have to take care of a baby".
She gives me an understanding look, making me feel a little better about this. She wasn't shaming me or trying to sway me. I could tell she understood.
"Yeah exactly", I nod, getting a little bit emotional now, as if I wasn't already walking in here. "It's definitely not that I don't want to keep my baby it's just…"
I trail off, my voice breaking and making me unable to continue.
"Sorry", I let out as I wipe a rogue tear that has escaped from my eye. "I didn't want to cry in here today, it's just hard".
I hear Cappie's metal chair scoot across the floor as he scoots closer to me.
"It's okay Case", He says quietly, soothingly, as I feel his hand on my back, my bare back because the hospital gown is partially open in the back and I'm just in my bra.
I almost gasp at the feel of his warm hand against my cool, bare skin. It immediately takes me back to that night, me on top of him as he pulled me in closer to him, his hands all over me as I lost control in pleasure.
"Um…", I breathe in sharply, immediately feeling shaken up that I'm in here with this doctor, talking about this baby, our baby, when all I can think about now is that night.
If I'm being totally honest, after it happened in late August it was just about all I could think about for the entire month after. I'd lay in bed at night, having said goodnight to Ashleigh, having turned off the light, and I'd then lay there just thinking about how good that night felt. How it was the first time I'd felt anything in what seemed like forever. How weirdly all it took was my blue eyed, shaggy haired troublemaker of an ex boyfriend to bring that side out of me again.
I'd thought about that night basically every day up until I started to suspect and worry that I had gotten pregnant from it. And now… well now whenever any thought of that night pops into my brain like it just has I desperately try to push it out of my mind like it was just a bad dream.
But having Cappie here right beside me, touching me and trying to comfort me, makes it a hell of a lot harder to not think about it.
"It's totally okay to get emotional Casey", Dr. Thomas interrupts my train of thought. "You certainly wouldn't be the first person in here crying and you won't be the last, I can promise you that".
She laughs slightly, in a nice way, trying to make me feel better about being emotional.
"Okay. Thank you", I compose myself. "I do get emotional about it, more than ever lately which is maybe because of hormones... I don't know. It's just hard to talk about adoption but I know that for us it really is an option that we should probably consider".
I speak seriously now, having pulled myself together, having not let thoughts of me and Cappie invade my mind and make me lose my levelheaded plan to give this baby the best life I can.
Because if I let the thoughts of me and Cappie that night and how much I still felt for him rule my decision making skills I'd probably end up keeping this baby, moving in with him, and literally marrying him tomorrow. That's what my heart says. But I've got to make sure my head wins the battle. Because when I did let my heart lead me in freshman year Cappie had just ended up letting me down.
"Of course, it's normal to be emotional Casey. Even if you weren't pregnant and having hormones running through your body like crazy", She smiles. "It's an emotional thing, having a baby, being pregnant, trying to figure out what's best for you and your baby. But I commend you two for being very mature about this and trying to do the best you can".
I smile contently, happy she knows that that truly is my main goal.
"Exactly, that's… that's all I want, is for the baby to be okay and… and for it to have a good life. Even if it's not with us", I say, my tone getting more shaky as I go, because it's hard not to feel upset at the fact that I may not be what's best for it, that me and Cappie might not ever truly have a baby together.
"Well I think you're on the right track to making that happen you two", She nods. "What do you say, should we take a look at the baby? Maybe try to find a heartbeat?"
She looks back and forth between the two of us, excitement present on her face.
And I can't help it too, a smile comes over my face as I nod up and down.
"Yeah I think that would be cool", I continue to nod, laughing awkwardly and then looking over to catch Cappie's eye. He's just looking at me with a smile, I can tell a little bit emotional too. I could see it in his eyes. I knew him too well to not see it.
"Yeah definitely", Cap nods up and down, moving his hand off my back now as I lay down on the exam table more.
"And what about your symptoms Casey?", She asks as she starts to set up the ultrasound machine. "Have you still been having a lot of nausea? I know that was something that was bothering you last time".
"It's actually been a little bit better", I tell her. "I still get nauseas, but I haven't thrown up in like 5 days which is good for me. When I came here last time I was throwing up every morning. And I've found some ways to help curb the nausea, I'm just hoping it goes away for good soon".
I sigh.
"Well hun, I can tell you for certain that almost everyone finds the second trimester to be a million times easier. Most women get their energy back, their tough early pregnancy symptoms subside, they can stop worrying about miscarriage… People just seem to enjoy the second trimester a lot more. And of course women also start showing more and it becomes a noticeable bump in the second trimester which some women enjoy", She tells me.
I nod up and down, happy that it seems like I'll be having an easier time with the nausea soon, but also scared to death of the fact that I'm just going to keep getting bigger.
I already feel myself showing a bit, like I'd shown Cappie last night, and that already completely freaked me out.
"Well that's good then", I muster up sort of a fake smile because currently the worry at the fact that I was just going to be getting more and more pregnant was the primary thought in my brain. "Other than that I haven't really been having many other symptoms other than just being more tired than I was before and having my breasts still kind of hurt."
"And craving stuff", Cappie adds in with a smirk so I look over at him to give him a playful look with my eyes.
"Well that all sounds right on track, completely normal for where you're at Casey", Dr. Thomas scoffs as she looks at the two of us and then sits back down, having gotten the ultrasound set up right.
"Alrighty, so for a 10 week ultrasound we do still do it internally. We just find we can get a much better look that way, much clearer imaging, since it's still quite small to see when we do it the typical way over the abdomen. So we're going to be using the internal probe like last time".
She explains this to me and I nod up and down, my head against the back of the exam table, getting comfortable even though I knew this ultrasound was going to be anything but that. I didn't exactly love the last one, it definitely hurt not to mention was super awkward. But I know know that it's the best way to see the baby at this stage.
"Okay sounds good", I nod.
"Perfect so I'm going to have you put your legs in the stirrups here", Dr. Thomas guides my feet, which are in my pink socks, into the stirrups as I also scoot down the table. I sort of knew the drill now. "And I'm going to drape this sheet over you here for your privacy so you can lift your gown up".
She draps a thin blue medical sheet overtop of me down where my pelvic area is so that I'll feel more comfortable and won't be as exposed.
I look over to Cappie while Dr. Thomas then gets the probe ready, putting the gel on it.
We share sort of a worried look. At least I think it's mostly worry. Maybe worry mixed with a tiny bit of excitement.
"Okay great, so it's just going to be some pressure here, maybe a little bit of pain too but it shouldn't be too bad", She explains and I nod. "Okay I'm inserting the probe here".
I make a slight wincing noise, trying to fight the way my body recoils at the object going inside me, it hurting but obviously I stick with it. Once it's in it hurts a little bit less but still feels weird.
"Okay I'm just going to look around here…", Dr. Thomas says, her eyes unmoving from the screen as she does her work, trying to find where the baby is.
The baby. That still felt so weird to say. That there was literally a baby inside me.
As I think about that scary thought I look over to Cappie, him giving me a slight smile as I feel the worry rising up in my chest.
"Alright here it is!", Dr. Thomas' voice interrupts the way we gaze at each other, our eyes speaking to each other without even having to say words. I could tell from the small smile and look he was giving me he was telling me that it was okay and to calm down. "Here's the sac here, and here's your baby inside it".
She pauses the screen and looks over to the two of us with a smile.
"Wow… oh my gosh", I'm left with my eyes wide open, trying not to show how taken aback I am. "It's grown so much from the last time we saw it".
I would know too. I spent lots and lots of nights just staring at the baby's first ultrasound photo. I'd studied that thing like it was a textbook. I knew every detail of it.
"Yes, development definitely happens quite quickly in the early stages of pregnancy", Dr. Thomas remarks, scoffing a little bit at our surprised reaction.
"It actually… looks like a baby now", I add, still in complete shock right now. "Wow".
"Well it is a baby Case", Cappie says quietly just to me, laughing at me a bit so I elbow him lightly in his side.
"You're right, at 10 weeks it's silhouette here in the ultrasound really does start to resemble a real life baby", Dr. Thomas nods. "I'm going to measure its length and width, that's something we definitely want to keep track of".
She focuses her attention as she presses some buttons on the machine and then types into her computer. But I'm a little too busy examining the screen in shock to really pay much attention.
"It's measurements are great for 10 weeks so that's going well Casey", She smiles. "It certainly looks normal. Like a textbook 10 week fetus".
"It does?", I confirm, feeling like a weight is lifted off me now that I know it's okay. "Everything looks okay with it?"
"Everything looks perfect", She assures me. "It's coming along great, there's absolutely no signs of defects or miscarriage. Not that there should be, you're young and healthy so you're much more likely to have an easy, no fuss pregnancy. And you've had no spotting Casey?"
"No, none", I nod.
"Perfect", She smiles. "If you ever do have a bit of bleeding though, don't freak out. Some spotting can be normal. Especially after something strenuous like a workout, or after engaging in intercourse".
She speaks completely normally, scientifically almost, as if she's not bringing up a super personal topic.
"Oh uh… I'm not doing either of those things", I say awkwardly. "The working out or the… intercourse. And I'm not going to be in any stage of my pregnancy".
I don't know why I even bother telling her that part at the end but once I started awkwardly stammering it was like it just came out.
"Okay that's totally normal too, no reason to worry about that during your pregnancy then", She nods gingerly, taking a beat for a moment. "But if you do end up becoming sexually active with a partner or multiple partners later on in your pregnancy you should definitely still use condoms".
She talks to me seriously as if I'm not crawling into my skin right now.
"Because of course people think that during pregnancy there's no reason to use one because you're obviously already pregnant. But STDs can certainly happen so we still want to protect against that, since that can be a danger during pregnancy for you and the baby", She speaks seriously. "It's all explained more in a chapter of the paperwork I'm giving you. Just some info on having safe sex while pregnant. I just wanted to let you know now just in case. Of course if you are engaging with a partner that has been tested and is clean than that's a different story".
"Okay", I nod up and down in what's probably a completely awkward way. "That's good to know. I'm just certainly not going to be… active with any partners let alone multiple ones though…. Not that there's anything wrong with that of course".
I stammer out my words, adding that comment quickly at the end.
"I- I just don't have to worry about that since I'm not sexually active and I honestly don't know when I would be ever again", I say.
It was just the truth. After how much Evan had hurt me I was so reluctant to trust a guy ever again. I wasn't exactly jumping to get into a new relationship.
And then of course there was Cappie, who would always take up some sort of residency in my heart. Cappie who prevented me from ever truly investing in any other guy. Cappie who was the only person I have ever actually wanted to sleep with. For some odd reason.
But anyways… I certainly wasn't going to have sex with some random guy while I was pregnant. Especially not when I'm pregnant with mine and Cappie's baby. That would just seem wrong to me. I could never do it.
"That's definitely a good way to go too. No need to worry about that part of the booklet I'm giving you then", She gives me a kind smile.
I look over to Cappie now for a moment, seeing the blank expression on his face as he stares back at me. He looks kind of uncomfortable, different than his usual calm and confident self. I'm sure for most of this appointment he's probably not really known what to say. But it was just nice that he was here supporting me. Even if… awkward topics like this came up often.
"On that topic", Dr. Thomas brings up. "Your STD panel that we did last time was completely negative, which was obviously expected but is just our protocol anyways for a first appointment. Just wanted to let you know. And your swab was also normal, so everything seems one hundred percent healthy here Casey. Healthy mom and healthy baby at this point".
She gives me a kind smile.
"Okay great, that's good", I nod up and down, letting out a bit of a sigh of relief as I then feel Cappie's hand rest on mine.
I look over at him when I feel his touch, his hand running along my forearm and then giving my hand a squeeze. He's smiling at me, us sharing a look as he speaks to me through just his eyes, I know trying to say 'see, I told you there was nothing to worry about'.
"So let's take a look at some body parts shall we?", Dr. Thomas says perkily and I can tell she truly enjoys this, looking at babies on the screen like this, helping people through their pregnancies.
"Okay", I smile, feeling a little excited at that.
I look back over to Cappie as I watch a nervous smile slowly come over his face, his eyes looking right into mine.
"Okay here are it's little legs", She points to the paused screen. "Do you guys see that? The head is right here of course, then we have the body, the legs, and you can even see the feet a little bit here".
Me and Cappie stop looking at each other and instead study the screen as best we can.
"Wow yeah", I laugh a bit in disbelief. "I can even see its little hand right there I think".
I point to the screen in awe.
"Yep, you're right Casey. That's your baby's hand", she nods.
"This is so cool", Cappie comments, shaking his head in awe as his eyes are glued to the screen. "It looks like an actual baby curled up in there".
"It does, doesn't it?", Dr. Thomas smiles. "The fetus changes a lot in the early stages. The jump from 6 weeks to 10 weeks is pretty crazy".
"Definitely", I nod. "I can't wait to get the photos".
I smile to myself, truly happy to have an updated set of photos to sleep next to at night, having them in Cappie's bedside table drawer beside me. I secretly keep them there so I can look at him or her whenever I want to. It was a secret thing I did just for me. Just with me and the baby.
"Next time it'll have grown even more, we'll probably even be able to see it moving on the screen", Dr. Thomas comments, eliciting wide eyed smiles from me and Cap. "It's moving in here now but not to the point where you can feel it Casey. But you should be able to maybe feel the baby move inside you around the 16 to 22 week mark. So around the time you come here for your next appointment at 17 weeks you'll likely feel some tiny flutters even".
"Wow… that's not long then Case", Cappie seems surprised, looking over to me with his jaw dropped open.
"Yeah", I nod up and down, unable to help how it feels like my heart is soaring in my chest right now. "That's crazy though… it's moving even now, I just don't feel it?"
I ask Dr. Thomas.
"Yes, exactly", She confirms. "The baby is always moving, it's just still small and you won't be able to feel it right now because of that. It's only just growing things like fingers and toes, only just starting to move. It's also starting to form ears at this stage, as well as hair follicles, nails, and facial features like it's lips and its nose".
"Wow, oh my gosh", I sort of gasp now, completely taken aback that it honestly has progressed so much. It's not just a little jellybean like embryo anymore like it was the last time. The last time when I was trying to detach myself from it as much as possible. When I was trying to keep it as just equivalent to a cluster of cells in my mind, not a baby.
But now… after deciding to go through with my pregnancy and spending these past few weeks living at KT, I'd been getting used to the idea of being of actually being pregnant. And all the while it was growing like crazy inside me without me even fully realizing.
"Well hopefully it gets your nose and not mine Case", Cappie leans in to say to me with a scoff, interrupting how much I was in shock right now at realizing how far into this pregnancy I already was.
Dr. Thomas laughs a bit as his remark and I can't help but laugh myself, giving him a smirk.
"What? Yours is a lot cuter than mine", He laughs.
"True", I can't help but giggle.
"Well I've gotten my pictures so… what do you think, you think we should try to find the heartbeat?", Dr. Thomas looks excited to suggest this to us.
"Yeah definitely", I say right away, nodding up and down, wanting to hear it more than ever now.
For some reason I couldn't even think about the word adoption right now. Even if I had told myself I wasn't going to do this, wasn't doing to think with my heart rather than my head about this whole situation.
But… I didn't care. Right now in this very second, sitting here beside Cappie, I felt like it was ours. I felt like this little silhouette we were looking at was me and him, that the very notion that I could detach myself from it as if I was just like a surrogate for an adoptive family was insane.
Feeling this way right now, I wonder if maybe this wasn't the worst thing that could have ever happened to me. That maybe we could be stable and that Cappie had grown up and could be around for me and our baby. That maybe I was meant to get pregnant with this baby because it brought me back to him.
And of course his hand resting lightly on the back of mine doesn't help with me trying to think with my head. I look down once I've realized he's gently taken my hand into his now as we wait for Dr. Thomas to find the heartbeat, him intertwining his fingers with mine.
I stare down at our hands, a bit taken aback by how much I feel in this moment, and I realize he's looking at our entwined fingers too. We look up at each other then at the exact same moment, me meeting his familiar blue eyes. His looks serious, his eyes wide and searing into mine as a genuine smile comes over his face, emotion present in his expression. And now I know he must be feeling similar to me right now, must be feeling like this baby feels like ours too. Completely ours.
Whoosh. Whoosh. Whoosh. Whoosh.
The noise fills the room, interrupting the way we're staring intently into each other's eyes, surprising the two of us as I feel myself jump a bit.
"That's my heartbeat right?", I ask, a little confused.
It's so strong, the heartbeat. So steady, strong and fairly fast. That's why I'm sure it must be mine.
"Nope, that's your baby's Casey", Dr. Thomas says with a knowing smile.
"Whoa, really?", I stay completely in awe like I've been most of this appointment.
"I know, it's sometimes a shock at how strong it is, I have other mothers in here tell me that all the time", she laughs.
I'm a little stuck on how she's lumping me in with the term 'mothers' because just 2 and a half months ago I never in a million years would've thought I'd be in that category.
A mother. That's… that's what I suppose I might actually be soon.
I look over to steal a quick glance at Cappie, who looks just as awestruck as me. Cappie, who might actually be a dad just like I might actually be a mom.
It's what we would be if I didn't give this baby up for adoption. It's something I wanted to be, a mom, but I didn't think I would be becoming one this early and in these circumstances.
But… somehow with Cappie's strong, steady presence and his hand holding mine the circumstances around this pregnancy didn't actually feel so bad for once. As crazy as that sounds.
The last time I was here 4 weeks ago I never ever thought that I would feel this way.
"Can we hear it again?", I ask her eagerly, my voice a little unsteady and meek just because I'm so shaken up right now.
"Of course we can", She grins, letting out a bit of a good natured laugh. I'm sure she does this all day, so this is normal for her. But for two 20 year olds who definitely didn't have pregnancy and babies on their radar… this was pretty crazy.
She moves the probe around again in sort of an uncomfortable way that hurts a bit but I don't even care or really register it much. That's how focused on this I am.
Whoosh. Whoosh. Whoosh. Whoosh.
"There it is", Dr. Thomas smiles.
"Wow…", Cappie lets out in a soft tone of voice, scoffing to himself in disbelief as I watch him.
I can't help the way the sides of my lips turn up into a bit of a smile as I watch him watching the sound waves of the heartbeat that are present on the screen. The sound waves of our baby's heartbeat.
To me it was just more proof that it existed. It was just another thing that cemented how real all of this was.
Still… it seemed so crazy that all of this started in a closet and now we were here.
"It's really strong", Cappie comments again, looking at me now, his mouth open as he looks in disbelief.
"I know", I giggle a bit. "I've never… I've never felt anything like this".
"Pregnancy is definitely a unique experience, that's for sure", Dr. Thomas puts a hand on my knee. "And next time we should be able to find out the gender. Unless you guys are wanting to keep it a surprise".
"No we definitely want to know", I say right away, speaking strongly. "We've already been surprised enough".
Cappie snickers slightly, nodding as he agrees with me.
"Yeah I can definitely see how you feel", Dr. Thomas gets a good laugh out of my comment. "Even most people that have planned their pregnancies want to know. We find most don't keep it a surprise. Often women find it helps them bond better with their baby better too".
She smiles at me when she says that, but my face falls a bit, my heart feeling like it's fallen into my stomach at her saying that. Mostly because I didn't know if it was a good thing or not, bonding with this baby.
"Of course, all pregnancies and all women are different though", She backtracks a bit when she sees how worried I look. "And all situations are different".
"Yeah", I nod, trying to keep my composure, trying not to let on how freaked out I was because I still didn't know how to feel.
Sure, I loved knowing that the baby was okay, and seeing and hearing it were two of the most surreal experiences of my life. But… at the same time with so many emotions for it also came so much anxiety because… if I felt this way already this early on how was I supposed to hand my newborn baby over for other people to raise it?
Dr. Thomas pulls the probe out of me, shutting down the ultrasound machine as I get comfortable again, taking the linen sheet off me as I pull my gown down. I look over to Cappie with a sad look on my face and I can tell he feels bad, I knew him well enough to know what his expressions mean. And I also knew that he knew me well enough to know exactly how I was feeling right now. How reality has now set in and I just feel completely lost on what the right thing to do is.
Dr. Thomas looks at me more seriously now, a little sombrely if I'm not mistaken.
"I know you mentioned adoption as well Casey, I had given you a pamphlet on it last time. But just in case you don't have it anymore, I'll put in a list of some great resources that can get you started if you decide to go that way. You still have some time to decide but pregnancy can go by quickly and… it's probably a decision you want to make fairly soon", She tells me.
"I know. I-I definitely have to decide what to do. I told myself I would after this appointment so I'm going to decide in the next week what's best to do", I tell her, wanting her to know I'm trying my best to be responsible about this.
"Great. Well, I was really happy to see you two again today. I know this is probably a scary time but I want you to know you both seem to be taking this in stride and acting very maturely for your ages", She smiles genuinely at us. "And I think telling your parents may also be a good thing to do soon".
"Thank you", I nod. "And yes, you're right".
I sigh slightly, but I know that she's of course correct. Even if it was going to be terrible, having to tell my mother and father that I'd gone and gotten myself pregnant in college. With my ex boyfriend no less. They at least liked the sounds of Evan because of who he was. But Cappie… well what they knew about Cappie was probably just what Rusty had told them so far. That was the only upside, that Rusty I'm sure raved about his new big brother Cappie to my parents. And my parents would actually listen to Rusty because they thought he was much smarter and more capable than me. Me who they believed was just a ditzy blonde sorority girl.
"Do you have any other questions or concerns before we wrap up our appointment Casey?", Dr. Thomas sort of interrupts my racing anxious thoughts about having to tell my parents about this.
"Oh um…", I try to get my thoughts together even with my mind spinning.
"What about the prenatals?", Cappie pipes up. "Casey brought her prenatal vitamins in her purse, I think she just wanted to make sure you thought they were good ones".
Cappie opens up my purse that he's currently holding and I almost laugh when he just about drops my pink lacy underwear that he's also holding onto the ground.
Yep. Any awkwardness between us had sort of gone out the window.
I can't help but be completely thankful for him in this moment. Thankful and relieved that he's here to fill in when I go blank and anxious.
"Oh yes, of course, I can take a look", Dr. Thomas smiles as Cappie hands the bottle of prenatal vitamins to her.
While she's inspecting them and the ingredient list on the side I smile at Cappie, doing that thing again where we talk with our eyes, me trying to convey to him a thank you.
"Yes, these are great, they have all the ingredients in them that I would recommend, they're a great brand too", Dr. Thomas smiles as she hands them back to Cappie who puts them back in my purse. "Yeah just keep taking those and you'll be on the right track. You're doing a great job, both of you".
"Thank you", Me and Cappie both say in unison and then look at each other with a bit of a scoff.
"Well you two have a good day and good luck until I see you next", She smiles, getting up from her stool. "Like last time there's paper towels here to clean up Casey".
"Okay great, thanks so much", I nod.
"Yeah, thank you", Cappie adds.
"Of course, Kelly will have your photos printed out at the front for you. And next time we'll know the gender! Exciting stuff! Alright you two, have a good one!", She stands, holding her clipboard and the file I had given her with my filled out forms in it, then she gives us a wave and is out the door.
Once we're left alone, I sit up straight, scooting to the edge of the exam table as I hear Cappie let out a deep sigh.
"That was….", Cappie starts, shaking his head as he seems unable to even find a word for it.
"Scary, yeah I know", I scoff.
"No actually, I was going to say incredible", He meets my eyes, him looking very affected still. Like he's still in complete shock and awe.
I open my mouth to speak but all that seems to come out is a slight squeaking noise.
I mean I thought it was incredible too, but… we're not supposed to think that, not when neither one of us wants this.
"How're you feeling?", He looks at me with a serious look on his face. "What do you think?"
I think for a moment to myself.
"I think….", I feel my heart pound a little faster. "I think we should do something fun today Cap".
He looks completely taken aback, blinking his eyes at me in confusion.
"For your birthday", I explain. "I think we should go do something fun, just you and me, and… let things settle for a bit while we get our thoughts in order".
He nods up and down slowly, taking this in.
"I just… I'm way too in shock still to even think about making any major plans or to… to talk to my parents about the baby today. And I'm… I'm definitely not in a headspace to decide if it's going to be our baby or not Cap", I tell him nervously.
But even still… saying it sounds odd. Because for some reason I just couldn't imagine it not being our baby. I feel like at this point it always will be, even if we do give it up. Going through this with him… it felt too much like ours now, I don't think there was any going back from that.
"Okay", He nods. "I understand that".
"And I… I want you to have a good birthday and I think we should do something fun to decompress for a bit", I shrug. "What do you think?"
I watch as a smile comes over his face now. For the two of us, these past few minutes, actually the past half hour of this appointment, has been incredibly serious. And we're not usually like that, me and him.
He smirks at me happily now as he licks his lips and nods.
"I think that sounds amazing. So where am I taking you for this… said day of birthday fun?", He gives me a mischievous look.
"Well it's your birthday! You should choose... As long as its not something you know I'll hate. Or... something completely inappropriate", I put my finger up as menacingly as I can and then giggle slightly when a sly look comes over his face at me saying that. "And anyways, I have to clean up and get dressed first".
I smirk at him a little bit playfully now, unable to really help it, it's just the way I react to him. And the thought that spending the rest of the day with him might actually… not be so bad.
"Okay well here you go", He laughs, putting my black yoga pants and pink juicy zip up on the exam table beside me. He's still holding onto my pink lacy panties and my purse, him staring down at my panties in his hand jokingly. "This may be the last time I ever get to touch these. You know, since the next ultrasound you won't have to take your pants off".
He dramatically sighs in a joking way, referring to how next time I'll be far along enough to do an abdominal ultrasound instead. His eyes come back up to meet my face now as he tries to keep his composure and keep the joke up.
"You're insane!", I laugh, rolling my eyes at him playfully as I snatch them out of his hand which clearly amuses him. "Now turn around Cap!"
"Ugh", He fake groans as he turns around, his tall stature looking especially large in this small room, so much so that's he's actually pretty close to reaching the ceiling. Unlike me who jumps off of the exam table and immediately feels short next to him now that I rarely wear heels anymore. "Fine".
I can't help the smirk that's on my face as I get dressed, trying to not laugh at the way Cappie's turned around, whistling to himself.
It was nothing he hadn't seen before of course but… still. We weren't together and we shouldn't act like we are. Especially if we are going to keep the baby together, because it would just muddy the waters too much for the baby.
I use paper towels to wipe the jelly from the probe off of the area between my legs and then pull my underwear on, and then the rest of my clothes. Then I pull on my shoes too.
"Okay I'm done", I announce to him, throwing my used gown and sheet into the used linens bin in here.
"Okay", He turns back around, looking me up and down with a grin. "So... where to princess?"
Author's Note:
Sorry this chapter was a little more serious and more medical/ pregnancy focused. But I feel like its only realistic and I did want to write and include this moment for Casey, and Cappie too, but especially Casey when she really sees and hears their baby for the first time. Because of course an appointment like this would be a big deal for anyone experiencing pregnancy for the first time.
The next chapter will definitely be a lot more banter driven, fun, and more romance and angst driven. I already have it planned out and then I have a bunch of future chapters already written as well so I'm excited to share more of this story and have some fun chapters and plot points planned that I think you guys will enjoy.
As always, thank you for reading!