Summary:

Leonard finally faces himself

Leonard knew this was a bad idea. He didn't even have to think that deeply about it, it was a horrible idea.

Doctor Hurley had insisted that this was needed but Leonard wasn't so sure. He had come a long way and this might ruin it all back.

"I'm just going to try and make sure we can have a productive conversation. Because I know your mother loves you." Doctor Hurley's voice was always kind and soft.

Leonard wanted to scoff at her words.

"She does, but I think she doesn't know how to show it." Doctor Hurley insisted.

And that's why he was here, sitting across from his mother. She looked the same as always, so untouchable, so frigid, so…disappointed.

He wanted to keep it cool, to not allow himself to crumble, to not let HER get away with it anymore.

"I found it rather baffling how Leonard craves physical affection so much and to the point of mistaking it for love when he was rather touch-averse growing up." His mother started and Leonard's brain almost liquefied in shock. "Why, I always thou-"

"SHUT UP!" Leonard could take her passive aggressiveness, he could take her coldness but he couldn't take this act. As if she cared for him at all.

As if she loved him.

"You don't have to do this! Doctor Hurley already knows that you don't love me!." A pause. Despite everything she was still his mother. "Or…at least you don't love me like you love Michael…or Jennifer…" Leonard trailed off, the confrontation leaving his body in an instant and regret was already settling in. "I'm sorry, I didn't…"

His mother's face was one of pure shock and for an instant it was delicious but he quickly squashed it down. "Leonard I- How could you believe that?"

Like a sleeping fire, his mother's words reignited the anger and he took a quick and violent breath before exploding again. Doctor Hurley was quiet, sitting back as she watched them closely.

"How?! You're really asking that Mother? HOW?!" Leonard took a moment to gather his thoughts, he paced behind the couch. "How about because you didn't mind when they hugged you but the one time I tried to hug you, you simply pushed me off to dad instead!" He was panting with the effort of letting his anger out.

"What? No! You-what are you talking about?" His mother looked shocked and he was surprised to see hurt behind her eyes. "I'm not a physically affectionate individual, but you're my children. Of course I would let you hug me. But you never approached me…I thought you were like me."

Leonard was about to go off again but Doctor Hurley spoke before he could let his anger out again.

"Leonard, you said 'the one time I tried to hug you'. When was this? Do you remember?"

Still angry, he nodded violently and had to fix the glasses on his face. "Yes, I was four, we were at my grandpa's funeral. I was crying and I tried to hug Mother but she picked me up, handed me over to my dad and I quote 'I can't deal with this right now'. My dad then took me to eat a slice of chocolate cake…" He wanted to keep going but he choked up with emotion. The memory of everything overwhelmed him. His dad had ran a hand through his hair as he sadly ate his slice of cake.

"Leonard…you can't possibly remember that." His mother said in a tone that he couldn't pin down, it was a mixture of hope and disbelief. No, no, it wasn't that. It was dawning horror. "You can't remember that. You can't."

Leonard wiped at his eyes before turning a confused look at his mother.

"Why did you reject him, Beverly?" Doctor Hurley asked in a soft tone of voice.

"I-I had just lost my father. I was still processing it. There was a room where all the children were put together to play. I took Leonard there but he didn't want to stay…he was just a tiny thing. I told Alfred to take Leonard because I couldn't-I was grieving. Leonard. I had to deal with my mother breaking down and it was all so much. Leonard…Schatje." For the first time in his life he saw utter heartbreak on his mother's face.

It didn't feel as good as he had imagined.

His mother stood up and reached a hand towards him, her face showing more emotion than he had ever seen before. "Leonard. You-I…"

Leonard didn't move closer, he stood in place. He scoffed at the situation, because it didn't make sense. "What? You're going to tell me that I got it wrong?"

"Of course you did! I just needed a moment, I didn't mean that you could never hug me. You saw your siblings reach out to me and be physical. You couldn't possibly believe that I would have rejected you if you had done the same." The tone of her voice was bordering on hysteric.

Leonard said nothing. A feeling of dread and anxiety settled in his stomach. He wanted to run, wanted to get away from here.

"Leonard, please tell me you don't believe that." This stranger wearing his mother's face said. The emotion on her face and voice were completely alien to him. What world was this? Where Sheldon was dating Penny and his mother showed emotion.

"Enough with the act Mother." Leonard straightened up and tried to center himself again. He had made a promise to himself to not allow his mother to get to him.

"Leonard. Look at your mother." Doctor Hurley gently asked him.

He huffed in annoyance and kept his eyes on the carpet. He shook his head without saying anything.

"Leonard."

He shook his head again and cleared his throat. It made him feel like a child but he refused to look up.

A gentle hand grabbed his cheek, it was cool against his skin and it felt calming. He closed his eyes as the hand pulled his face up.

"Schatje. Look at me." He teared up at the use of his childhood nickname, he wanted to rage and demand that she stop using it. That's what his grandpa called him, she couldn't use that name, everyone but her could use it. "I love you Leonard."

A sob escaped him. He could feel himself coming undone but he tried his best to stay strong and he was proud of himself for staying calm.

At least until his mother hugged him. He could feel her shake and tremble, the hug was awkward and bony.

But he hugged her back.

It wasn't not easy having to rebuild a relationship.

Leonard felt too much and his mother not enough. But thanks to Doctor Hurley they were able to start talking to each other. Leonard could see himself coming over for Thanksgiving willingly, maybe even introduce a girl to his mother.

Girls…he honestly wasn't in the right mental space to think about that just yet.

Doctor Hurley had shown him an ugly side of himself, a side that liked playing victim, that enjoyed and thrived off his own misery.

He hadn't realized how deep down, he had always expected Penny- no, that's not right- it wasn't just Penny. It was Penny, Leslie, Priya, Joyce, Alicia, etc. He had always approached relationships with the expectation that the girl would leave him for someone else, someone better, someone less nerdy, someone less Leonard-like.

He didn't like himself so how could anyone else like him?

He was just starting to scratch the surface of this thing. However, his PTO wasn't infinite and he needed to be back in California. Thankfully Dr Hurley would keep their sessions through Skype.

At first, being back in Caltech was a special kind of torture. His friends ignored him and he also went out of his way to not bother them…well, maybe they were no longer his friends. He still needed to apologize to Raj properly, and to Priya, and Leslie, and Penny, and Howard, and Sheldon.

But not yet.

He kept his head down, working opposite shifts from Leslie to keep their interactions at a minimum and slowly he found new friends, new people to talk Star Trek with, new people that also liked Babylon 5, he even found a couple of people to run a new DnD game.

Leonard clapped alongside everyone else as Sheldon's expedition was welcomed back after eight long months. He raised a glass in celebration and only smiled wryly when Penny kissed Sheldon at the end of his speech as it was the most natural thing in the world.

They looked happy and he was happy for them.

Leonard held his bloody nose and he backed up a couple of steps away from the wincing Raj. "Ogay, I desergeved dat."

Raj shook his hand in pain. "Yeah you did."

"Look, gan you just give dis to Prigya. Please?" Leonard held the envelope at arm's length.

Raj eyed suspiciously before sighing and ripping it off his hand. "You don't have the balls to give it to her yourself?"

Leonard moved his nose around, checking that the bloody nose had stopped, taking his handkerchief he tried to clean his face as he replied. "I just don't want to bother her. It's been months, I know. But I've been going to therapy and…well, I just want to say sorry. If she doesn't want to read the letter then that's fine, but I don't want to just sweep back into her life and give her the wrong impression."

Raj eyed him suspiciously but he nodded.

"Thank you."

"So you think because you're cleaning the lab every night that it means I'll forgive you?" Leslie's voice startled him. He was cleaning the lenses on the laser and he was too focused on it to notice her.

Adjusting his glasses he tried to give her a half smile before her words sunk in. "Hey! Oh, no. I am just cleaning because Ramirez had a date and he couldn't, you know, stay back."

Leslie walked slowly towards him but her eyes were on the tables. "What are you doing Leonard? It's been months and you're still doing this."

Leonard's half smile was frozen on his face. "I don't-I don't get it. I'm staying out of your way, I don't want to bother you Leslie, I really don't. I fucked up and hurt you and I don't-"

Leslie cut him off, her voice sharp. "And you've made a group of friends, and you've kept working on your experiments. And despite all these things you've done, you still haven't apologized to me."

Leonard blew out a breath as he leaned on the table. He couldn't face Leslie right now so he kept his eyes on the table. He hadn't expected Leslie to confront him, but knowing her, he probably should have. "Ah, yes I…" He trailed off, still looking at the table.

"You what? What Leonard?" Her voice had that tone, between teasing and actual meanness. He loved that tone.

He cleared his throat, trying to think of a way to word his feelings when he remembered Doctor Hurley's words. 'Honesty is hard, you might be tempted to use sarcasm to mask your feelings, to protect yourself, but if you want people to open up to you, you need to open up as well.'

Taking a deep breath, he squashed every instinct he had to make a joke, to change the subject and to avoid the conversation. "You're right. I've been avoiding it. You."

"Oh wow, no witty joke?"

Leonard nodded slowly. "No witty joke. Look, I fucked up. There's no two ways around it. It was a very shitty thing to do. I know you might not believe me, but I loved you."

Leslie scoffed but he kept going.

"I loved you. What I did had nothing to do with you. I was hurting and I thought sex could fix that. I wanted…I don't want to make excuses. I'm sorry. You didn't deserve that. I'm really sorry." He had thought about this moment a hundred times before and each time he had imagined himself talking for hours, trying to find new ways to apologize and to try and show Leslie how sorry he really was. But in the actual moment it all felt so fake, so unlike the person he wanted to be.

"That's it?" He finally looked up and saw Leslie lean against one of the tables in the lab. She didn't look amused.

"I…" He sighed. "I can only tell you how sorry I am. I'm working on myself and it eats away at me to know I've hurt you so much." Despite not wanting to, tears came to his eyes. He found himself crying so easily nowadays.

"You suck at apologizing, Hofstadter."

Leonard laughed a little, her tone wasn't as harsh anymore. "I know. I was planning to write you a letter."

"Well, I guess you are a decent lab partner so I won't kick you out if you happen to be on the same shift as me." Leslie straightened up and moved towards the door.

"Thank you Leslie."

"I'll see you around Hofstadter." And with that phrase that felt too much like forgiveness he didn't deserve she left him alone again.

Leonard stared at the closed door for a moment before shaking himself and going back to cleaning the laser. He had wanted to ask Leslie out on a date, but he knew that was a bad idea for everyone involved. He wasn't even close to dealing with all of his internal BS and he couldn't deal with a relationship right now.

He wasn't sure when he would be ready, but he couldn't ask Leslie to wait for him. It wouldn't be fair to her.

So he was keeping his mouth shut.

"Thank you." Leonard said as Howard handed him an ice cold root beer.

Howard stayed silent and only took a seat next to him. They were in Howard's front yard, sitting on a pair of green lawn chairs.

Leonard took a big gulp of his drink and enjoyed the cold drink as he watched the sun set.

"You did a very shitty thing." Howard finally said after a long moment.

"I know." Leonard couldn't refute Howard's words.

"I don't think Raj is going to forgive you." Howard took a swig of root beer.

"...I know." Leonard couldn't do anything to hide the sadness in his voice.

"Heck, I don't think Penny wants to see you again."

Leonard nodded slowly. "I know."

"Sheldon doesn't care about what happens to you I bet."

"I know."

Howard sighed and nodded. "But I'm glad you're back. I missed my WoW buddy."

Leonard smiled sincerely at Howard, showing the full relief those words brought him. "I know."

Leonard couldn't believe he had slept in. In fact, he couldn't believe that he had forgotten that he had an early lab shift and stayed up way too late raiding with Howard. He had forgotten his plan of speaking with Leslie before the rest of the team got there until his alarm went off.

And now he was running to try and make it on time. He didn't even lock his car.

"Stupidstupidstupid." He kept muttering to himself despite knowing that Doctor Hurley had told him to avoid self recrimination.

Leonard was so focused on making it on time that he was doing something he never did, actually running in the hallways. And because of this very dumb idea he collided with someone that was walking out of one of the labs.

"Look out!" He tried to warn them but it was useless.

He went down with the other person in a mess of limbs. The fall was thankfully not that bad but it still took him a moment to recover. Groaning, he stood up and immediately went to help the other person up as well.

"I'm so sorry. Are you okay?" His knee hurt a little and he hoped the other person was okay.

"I believe I hurt my ankle." Taking a closer look he saw that this other person was a brunette woman, approximately his height and with a similar pair of glasses to his.

"Let me help you, I'll take you to the medical office." Leonard wasn't a buff guy, but he still did his best to support her as they walked towards the medical staff. He hoped the nurse was in and not the doctor, she was much nicer.

"You're touching me." She sounded amazed rather than upset.

"Oh, sorry. I- No, you're right. Sorry. Can I help you to-" Leonard shuffled in place, he had put her arm around his shoulder without thinking and only when she pointed it out he realized his own arm was around her waist. He wanted to let go but if he did then she might fall.

"Just an observation. Remain calm. I accept your offer, I seem to have twisted my ankle and I am in need of support." She was way too calm about this and her way of speaking reminded him a little too much of Sheldon.

Silently they made their way to the medical office. Perhaps this was fate, it had been a little over a year since he and Leslie broke up and he felt ready to try again, and even Doctor Hurley had encouraged him to ask her out again. Leslie had seemed open to the idea for certain, it was so forgiving of her to still talk to him but now she even flirted with him again and…it was nice.

With a head full of Leslie he arrived at the medical office in no time and thankfully the nice nurse was there. A quick explanation and Leonard was excusing himself to try and make it to the lab before the rest of the team could.

"Thank you." The woman he had barreled over told him once he turned to leave.

"You're welcome." He said offhandedly, his mind already focused on the laser lab and the person waiting there. But as he turned his head he caught sight of the woman's face and she looked so defeated and depressed that he couldn't leave her like this.

Even in this moment she reminded him of Sheldon. Of the Sheldon he met all those years ago, the one that underneath all his bullshit was just a lonely human. The Sheldon that had been his friend at one point.

Sighing internally he turned to the girl again. "Hey, this was my bad. The least I can do is buy you lunch."

The girl blinked, confused. But he didn't miss the flash of happiness that brightened her face for a moment.

"Oh, I'm Leonard by the way." He grinned at her and offered her his hand.

She looked at his hand for a moment, but he didn't move it away. He already knew she just needed time to react.

Sure enough, after a long moment she shook his hand. "I'm Amy Farrah-Fowler."

One lunch became two and then three and then four.

Leonard liked Amy a lot, she had seemed like a cheaper version of Sheldon at first but soon he met the real her. The Amy that was actually very emotional and affectionate. The Amy that had a very dry sense of humor.

It felt nice to just chat with her.

Leonard stopped for a moment as he sat in front of Amy. She was wearing makeup.

He smiled happily at her and ignored the way she pretended to not be happy by him noticing. They continued having lunch but Leonard paid closer attention to Amy. Her cardigan was unbuttoned and she was wearing a blouse that actually hugged her figure instead of the usual large one that hid everything.

Amy kept looking away from him, probably embarrassed by the whole thing, but he found it adorable.

Seeing Amy's hand sitting innocently on top of the table, he made his move. Slowly but very deliberately he moved his hand until it reached hers. Using only his index finger, he hooked it onto hers. Amy jumped as if shocked, despite her watching him move his hand from the start.

Leonard watched her face closely and smiled when he felt her finger close around his.

"Amy, I was wondering if you'd like to have dinner with me?"

"Well, I suppose that it would be rude of me to reject such an invitation." Leonard loved the blush on her face.

"So…when are you going to finally ask me out Hofstadter?" Leslie's voice startled him. He was cleaning the laser after a successful experiment and he was distracted, thinking about meeting Amy later.

His first instinct was to lie. But that was the old him, he knew he needed to be honest. "Oh-I-uh, I'm sorry Leslie. I don't think we should."

"Oh." Leslie's grin slowly disappeared from her face and he felt awful.

"I am kind of seeing someone right now and after some thinking, I think you and I, we work great as friends but as a couple…I don't think we…yeah, uh." He was fidgeting and didn't know what to do with his hands as he vomited the words.

"Oh. I see." Leslie nodded and sucked on her teeth.

"I-"

"No, no. It's fine. At least this time you were honest." And with that she left the lab, leaving him alone feeling like crap.

"Woah dude, that was cold." Smithy poked his face from behind the closet's door and Leonard could only close his eyes in dismay. Of course this asshole had to be present for this moment.

"Isn't today your turn to clean up? I think it is." Leonard put the cleaning rag in Smithy's hand and left the lab as well, ignoring the other man's protests.

And the day had started so nicely.

Leonard watched the condoms on the shelf with a blank look on his face. Should he buy them? Wasn't that too arrogant of him? Because yes, technically tonight would be their fifth date and the first time that Amy visited his apartment.

But that didn't mean that they would have sex. Right?

Right. Yeah, it was a bad idea. Leonard moved to walk down the aisle. Stupid, he was being stupid.

'But what if you need them and you don't have them?' A traitorous thought crossed his mind.

He went back to staring at the condoms.

'It's better to be safe.' He told himself over and over as he reached for a box.

Leonard's lower lip trembled and his eyes filled with tears.

He didn't want to make noise and wake Amy up but he was just so happy. Tonight had been perfect, he had been afraid that he was pushing Amy too fast but much to his surprise and delight, she was the one that took the lead.

It was amazing. She was so soft and warm. It was the first time he was having sex since going to therapy and since he started unraveling the mess that was his life and feelings.

Before, it had all been about him, he could admit that. It had been no different than masturbating. He wasn't proud of that.

But now he understood why before he had felt unsatisfied even after getting laid. He thought that sex equaled love and he felt that the other person never loved him enough. Penny, Priya, or Leslie, it didn't matter. He was like a black-hole, sucking everything in and leaving only coldness and darkness behind.

He had been afraid to go back to this, but thankfully his first time with Amy was completely different, there was no rush, no need to prove himself a 'stud', no need to copy moves from porn.

Even now, after the fact, Amy was still hugging him. That was what made him so emotional. She held him like he mattered, like he was special. Penny only liked cuddling for a little before turning over to her side. Priya liked it but it seemed there was always a need to get up to go check her email and Leslie was never a cuddler.

Sure, he wasn't fully out the other side. He might always struggle but he was in therapy and he was not going to stop. He wanted to be the best version of himself, for himself.

And he hoped Amy would be there next to him.

End Notes:

I know that Beverly was a bit OOC but it fit my plan and I didn't want to fight the character to fit her in the exact same way I needed her to be. And hey, Leonard gets his mom back.