Grissom went home after that for the first time in nearly four shifts. He could feel his brain receding into itself. He was so tired. Of everything. He wrapped a towel around his waist as he exited the shower. He stood at the sink and looked down the drain. Dare he look up and catch a glimpse of himself? Of what looked like in that moment. After the most grueling case of his life. His breath synchronized with his eyes. Out. His eyes locked on his own. It was worse then he thought it'd be. He almost didn't recognize himself standing there in the mirror looking back at him. His eyes were dull and droopy. His beard ragged. Skin a ghostly white. And then, there he was, the man he'd described to Dr. Lurie. A middle aged man who's never really lived. 50 going on 15. Unworthy of her affection.
He sighed. He wasn't even sure what he'd said in the room. Honestly. It was all such a blur. The whole day was. But he knew whatever he'd said, Sara had heard him loud and clear. He'd known that from the sad look on her face. He was ashamed.
Though that night, he slept more soundly then he had in a long time. Perhaps his mind had finally run out of steam, unable to keep him up thinking.
When he awoke the next day he felt slightly refreshed. Like a weight had lifted off of him. He had finally confronted the feelings he had pushed away for so long, even if he had no plans to act on them. Looking at them gave them light, let them surface and bubble. As tretcherous as the reason for confronting it was, it was helpful nonetheless.
He sat down at his home study and took out a journey he'd not written in in some time. The words began to flow from him with ease. The pen glided on the paper with therapeutic movements as he poured his heart out.
I chose to love you in silence. For in silence I find no rejection.
I chose to love you in loneliness. For in loneliness no one owns you but me.
I choose to adore you from a distance. For distance will shield me from pain.
I chose to kiss you in the wind. For the wind is gentler than my lips.
I chose to hold you in my dreams. For in my dreams you have no end.
I chose to wait for you in stillness. For in stillness, I learn the art of letting go.
I chose to carry you in my sorrow. For in sorrow, love grows deeper through the night.
I remember the day we first met. I remember how everything went silent. How it felt like time didn't exist for a while. Because of how we spoke like we knew each other already. It wasn't the love at first sight I pictured when two people fall in love just from the look of each other. It was more like looking at someone in the exact same reality as you. As if we were thinking and feeling the same thing and the same time. And already knew so much about each other. And maybe it was so effortless because I felt so much more like myself with you than I ever had alone. I knew then that I would always want you around. So I found an excuse to have you move here to join me. But afterward, I realized that losing you would feel like losing myself. So I kept you close enough to have, but not close enough to lose.
I knew from the first day we met that there was no turning back. And now I realize, too, that there's also no way forward, really.
Sara showed up for shift early. She knew he'd be in his office already. And that's exactly where she found him.
"Hey." She walked in and stood behind a chair across from his desk, but didn't sit.
He glanced up at her now and straightened up a big. "You're early."
"I just wanted to check in with you before shift." She began, "Can we start over?" His brows raised again in that iconic Grissom confused way. She continued, "Just call it a truce. No more feuds. No more advances. Just—can we get back to solving puzzles together again?"
His eyes lit up in a way she'd not seen in years. "I do miss solving puzzles with you."
She nodded and his features began to relax. "Me too." She smiled.
He took in her appearance for the first time. She'd done her hair.
"So, you don't have a problem with me? We're good?"
He shook his head, saddened by that statement, but he understood where it had come from.
"Okay, So, I'll see you during assignments then." She turned to leave.
"Sara," He spoke, causing her to turn back around, "You—uh. You look nice."
A smile as wide as her eye-roll was loud crossed her face. "See you at shift." And with that she was on her way and soon out of sight. But not out of mind. Grissom felt several shades lighter. Like air could fill his lungs again.
They drove together to the scene for the first time in, frankly, years. The scene was at a casino on the strip, a short drive. That shift was the most fun either of them had at work in a long time. Like tracking down treasure off a map. An antique collection missing from a vault. He, Sara and Nick weaved seamlessly together in solving the multi-level crime.
There was a lightness to working the case that he'd forgotten can exist in the job. It'd been so long since he didn't feel the heaviness of it all.
He sighed through a satisfied breath at the end of the case as he readjusted himself in his chair in the left nook of his office. A novel propped open in his hand.
Sara had realized something the night before after she'd gone home. While she stood in the steaming hot shower. Something hit her for the first time. She was going to have to let him go. She'd rather enjoy working with him again then be the source of his unraveling. She didn't want to do that to him.
As life would have it, purely based on circumstance, Grissom and Sara ended up not working a case directly together for weeks after that.
"There you are." He changed directions to walk with her down the hallway, "I need your help."
"With what?"
"A woman." Sara furrowed her brows waiting for him to continue. "A female suspect. I need you to process her."
She nodded.
She left the room where she'd been combing through the physical evidence she'd collected from the female suspect and saw him standing there, waiting for her.
She relayed her findings, which wasn't much. "Not much bruising," She continued, "Usually junkies bruise if you breathe on them too hard."
His eyes traced hers. "I haven't seen you in a while, have I?" He'd only just realized that it had been weeks since they'd had a conversation in close proximity like this, one-on-one.
"You see me every day." She shrugged and walked off. Something about her was different, he realized. And he began to wonder what exactly that was. But she knew what was different in her. She was building up walls, one brick at a time, to seal herself off from him.
May 2004
In the weeks and months that followed, Sara watched as Grissom seemed his find his way back to himself again. He didn't look as drained, he lost a little weight, grew out his beard to a scruffy length. He even seemed to be engaging in some of his boyish tendencies, like talking in riddles and racing cockroaches.
This, she'd thought, this was the man she was drawn to back in San Fransisco five years ago. Whoever had been taking his place these last two or so years was only but a shell of him. She enjoyed watching the spark relight in him. Enjoyed being reminded of why she'd come to Vegas in the first place.
But Sara wasn't doing so well herself. She'd closed up the part of herself that wanted to pursue him. She'd retreated into herself more. It was like the two had switched places.
So when Sara found out about Nick's promotion, it may have just been the straw to break it all. She couldn't decide if she was more hurt, angry or surprised. She'd really thought she deserved it. Thought he'd realized that.
Grissom and Sara processed Sam Braun's limo during that shift. Each crouched at a wheel.
"I heard the Key position was cut."
He looked up at her and nodded.
"I also heard you recommended Nick.'
"I did." He confirmed. He could sense her anger, even if it wasn't bubbled up to the surface yet. He knew it was coming. They made their way inside the limo.
"I thought you didn't have a problem with me."
Is that what she thought? That she'd been past over for a promotion because of something personal? "I don't" His eyes caught hers. The tension between them was rising back up. It had been a nice few weeks without that.
"I thought my application made a good case."
"It did. Nick just was the better candidate at the moment."
"Why?"
"Because he didn't care if he got it or not."
"That's a stupid reason."
He looked down at the seat he was processing and let out an inaudible breath. Their attention returned to their task at hand, but he could see the tension in her body and it was making him rather uncomfortable.
"Let's grab drinks after shift to celebrate." Catherine hyped up the team.
"The position was cut." Nick commented, "Nothing to celebrate."
"Nonsense, still worth a drink." She smiled. Always trying to bring a bit of levity to the team.
She was happy for Nick, really. They were equally qualified. She knew that. But being passed over for the Key position created a void in her, feeling unfulfilled now at work. She felt lost.
Sara stayed a little longer after everyone had left the bar. Catherine first, then Nick, then Warrick. Grissom hadn't joined the team, noting the piles of paperwork needing his attention.
Sara finally decided she'd head home.
Grissom sat behind his desk nearly two hours after shift ended and the team dispersed. He reached his arm out mindlessly at the sound of his office phone ringing.
"Grissom." He spoke without taking his eyes off the file at hand.
"Dr. Grissom, we have Sara Sidle here at the precinct."
Grissom snatched his glasses off his face and sat up. Worry etched over his features.
"Is she alright?"
"She's okay. We pulled her over on suspicion of DUI. She blew a .09. Legal limit is .08 but we didn't book her. Gave her a break since the limit was just lowered. We did have to notify her supervisor though."
Grissom made his way to PD without another thought. He'd walked in and spoke with the officer that made the call as the two walked through the halls. And then, there she was. Sitting in the otherwise desolate waiting area of the precinct. She sat there, leaned forward. Her long arms draped over her knees. Staring forward.
She could feel is presence as soon as he entered the room.
"Thank you, I appreciate the courtesy." He spoke to the officer. He allowed himself one more moment to look at her before walking over and occupying the chair next to her. He could see a bit more of her face now. Without hesitation he took her hand in his gently. Her body exhaled tension. Like she'd been holding her breath since the officer told her that her supervisor was on his way.
"Come on." He finally spoke, his eyes squinted softly as he read the emotions in on her face, "I'll take you home." His words caused her head to slump slightly in shame.
As they stood, he moved his hand slowly from her palm, up her arm and rested in the small of her back. He lead her out of PD.
Neither spoke a word for the first 15 minutes of the drive. Grissom turned the radio on when then'd turned out of the PD lot. It had been set a classical music channel, but he'd moved the dial and easily landed on a 70's rock station. Sara noted the behavior as amusing. She also noted that he seemed to be having an awfully easy go of navigating her neighborhood to drop her off.
"I know the county well." He offered, answering her unasked question when he'd felt her eyes on him. Truth is, he'd driven past her place on occasion. If he were coming from a scene in that direction and heading back to the lab, he'd find himself driving past. It wasn't conscious behavior, and sometimes, he'd barely noticed he did it. It comforted him for reasons he could not explain.
Fleetwood Mac began to play on the radio. They listened as Grissom turned onto her street.
If loving you isn't the right thing to do
How can I, ever change, things that I feel
If I could baby, I 'd give you my world
How can I...
He looked over at her. She was looking out the window now. Her face illuminated by the streetlights as they passed by.
"Let everything happen to you: beauty and terror. Just keep going. No Feeling is final."
She didn't bother turning to him when she responded, "You're quoting Rainer Maria Rilke at me?"
"Very good."
She rolled her eyes at herself, even in this most shameful moment, she loved being his star pupil. She turned toward him now.
"This really isn't about the Key position. I just—I made a mistake."
"Do you know why?"
She shook her head, "I wasn't thinking."
"That's not like you." He stole another glance as the car came to a stop in front of her building.
He could hear her sigh softly as she unbuckled her seatbelt and moved to exit the vehicle.
"Thank you for the ride. I'm…um, I am sorry this happened. And that you were pulled in."
"Sara." He caught her attention before she could exit the vehicle. "Protocol says I need to refer you to a P.E.A.P counselor."
"Yeah." Her voice was resigned, "I should have figured." She exited the vehicle, "Thanks, Griss."
"And, Sara." She leaned into the window to hear him, "You should use some of your vacation time. Just a couple of weeks."
"That's not a suggestion is it?"
"No, it's not."
She nodded. "Okay then. I guess I'll see you in two weeks."
She walked up her building's walkway and disappeared behind the front door. He waited to see the light in her apartment turn on before driving away.
He made his way home that night on autopilot. Unsure what to make of the last hour's events.