Sara closed the computer and let herself cry. She'd been holding back the emotion all day, getting herself in the right headspace to tape the video. She'd known she needed to do it. She needed to walk away for him. When he didn't show up at the docks the day the Sea Shepherd departed, that's when she knew for sure it was over. Until then, there was still a string of hope that ran through her. That maybe he'd be there, ready to set sail. Ready to move forward and forge a new life together.
She did it for him. He needed her to do it. And while it was the last thing she wanted, she understood it too. He didn't just fear change, he was terrified of it. Resisted against it at all costs. And this? This was the biggest change should could have proposed to him. For him to up and leave a field he loved. A lab he'd grown at. The family he had made there. The routines he had in place. To abandon the last place he could feel Warrick's presence. It was a tall order. The last time she'd asked him to change his life was when she pursued him. And even that took over six years.
She pulled herself out of her thoughts upon hearing a knock at her door.
"Come in." She spoke as she composed herself. She turned to look at the door as it opened to find Oliver in the doorway, the very Marine Biologist she was just mentioning.
Oliver was a tall man in his forties and over the course of their time on the ship, the two had grown to be well acquainted. "You still want to dive?" He held up a wetsuit and scuba rig. He'd suggested, over dinner the night before, that she try it despite lacking certification.
"Let's do it." She smiled as she stood. It was the most perfectly timed distraction she could have hoped for.
Oliver hooked up her oxygen tank, mask and regulator. He took the weighted belt and tightly fastened it around her waist. "Ready?"
She nodded, "Ready."
The two plunged into the water simultaneously. Instinctively she held her breath as the water rushed over and around her. Breathe. He signed to her. Another part of his character that reminded her so much of Gil.
And then, she inhaled. The rush of air pushing through the regulator filled her lungs. As she exhaled the sound of her breath and the swooshing water around her was all that she could hear. It's rhythmic timing began to calm her. They descended further, her legs fluttering behind her. The water was so clear and warm. Schools of fish danced around them, changing direction to and fro.
Oliver turned toward her and signed and gestured to a nearby sea turtle. Soon a collection of five or six turtles came swimming past them, just below their legs. They stayed down their for half an hour. And while Grissom was on her mind the whole time, she felt at peace with it. It was the right thing to do. She loved him so much, that she had to set him free. And every beautiful underwater encounter she had in this moment just lead her back to that same thought.
"It is strange how often a heart must be broken before the years can make it wise." Sara thought about the quote from poet Sara Teasdale. In her darkest hours she never really thought it would come to this. When she was trapped under the car in the desert that night, the thought of her life with Grissom was what had given her the strength she needed to persevere and claw her way out. Of course she knew her life was worth living, but without the overflowing love she had for him and their life together, she very well may have lost steam. And now, it was really gone. And she was going to be okay. She had to be.
They surfaced and took off their masks. Sara floated like a starfish and smiled at the clouds. Feeling free and light and reinvigorated.
"I thought you could use that today. I could sense this morning that something was a bit off with you." Oliver spoke softly as he floated alongside her. She simply smiled his way in agreement. In so many ways he did reminder her of Gil, but Oliver had a way of communicating that Grissom never seemed capable of. "Look, Sara. In a couple weeks when the Sea Shepherd docks in Costa Rica, I'm joining a research team. It's a well funded effort looking at the biodiversity of the land. You should consider joining us. Much of the time will be spent in a secluded mountainous region, so its not a glamorous outfit. But we'll rotate the team between the satellite fields and the home base operation in town."
She listened as he spoke. She'd been wondering what would be next for her after this. They'd been in the Galapagos for several days now and the work had been incredibly fulfilling. But every step on the island she took just reminded her of Grissom. Of how much he would love what they were doing. Spending all day outside, quietly observing the plants, insects and critters. Expanding on Darwin's landmark work.
The research Oliver was suggesting sounded quite similar. But perhaps this is just the way it would be. Perhaps she wouldn't really be able to outrun her thoughts of Grissom. Regardless of what was next for her. Maybe he would always be tucked into the folds of her mind and heart. And she realized she couldn't make a decision for her life primarily on whether he would have loved it, and try to steer clear for fear it would evoke her memory of him. And she knew, everything Oliver was describing about Costa Rica, would invigorate Grissom to obsessive levels.
After half an hour of avoiding the incoming calls, Grissom finally answered and soon thereafter, left the loft to the location he was dispatched to. The rain was hitting down hard all around him as he drove to the scene. He could hardly see the flashing lights and yellow tape as he pulled up. He wasn't quite sure if it was due to rain hitting the windshield so hard or his eyes filling with tears. Because he found himself unable to hold the tears back. He'd never felt heartbreak like this before.
He saw Catherine shouting commands to the officers. He stepped out of the car. Rain hit his ballcap, his shoulders, his face. It washed away his tears as quickly as they fell. An officer handed him an umbrella.
He made his way to the body, passing Catherine as he did, "Catherine." He barked over the thunderous rain. She stood to join him, walking in stride. "You covered the body with tarp. You've contaminated the evidence."
"First responder trapped it before I even arrived. He thought he was helping out." She spat back. "I should be giving you grief! You were first up. Dispatch said you were unresponsive. That you didn't acknowledge." She squinted up at him to see him through the rain that seemed to falling more forcefully with each passing moment.
"What do you know?" He ignored her completely.
"Trucker spotted the body. Called it in. Face is embedded with asphalt." Catherine watched as Grissom knelt next to the body, having handed off his umbrella to a nearby officer. She had to leave Lindsay's dance recital early to respond to the call out. She was pissed. But looking at him now, she knew something was up. He only started dodging dispatch's calls after Warrick died. And even that had faded away mostly. Something was different. Something had happened.
He was working hard to concentrate. But he kept fading in and out. Her voice ringing through his ears. Before I left, um, you said somethings I tried hard not to hear. Each syllable replaying again and again. He shook his head through the pain. A whole sunk through his chest as it hit him again and again. That she was not his. Not anymore. It was really over.
Catherine turned back around, now several feet away from him. She watched as he stayed crouched down on the ground despite the chaos ensuing around him. Officer's scurrying, the coroner removing the body. He just stayed there, unfazed. She watched as he shook in small movements. Watched his features scrunch and muscles flinch. Watched as he raised his head to the skies. Allowing the violent rain to hit his face. Was he crying?
Later on, Grissom stood opposite Nick on either side of the coroner's table. Nick held up the victim's shirt and counted allowed the nine stab wounds he observed. Grissom heard none of it though. Everywhere he was he saw her. Even right now. He could see her there standing next to Nick. Though it was an old version of her. 2004 Sara, maybe. When she and Nick bickered like children over promotions and cases and working solo. Her hair was different, and she dressed differently too, he noted. Scanning the hallucination before him. She smirked at him, then pursed her lips. He loved that side of her. The way she'd fight back a smile. Clearly unable. The way she pegged his every move back then. Easily pushing the boundaries at every turn. Back when he was pretending not to like it.
He brought his hands to his face, pinching the bridge of his nose. His eyes squinting hard, desperately trying not to see her standing there next to Nick, interrupting his thoughts and disturbing his attention.
Nick caught sight of him, "What's the matter? You got a migraine?"
"No." He snapped, quickly pulling himself back together. How long had he been daydreaming? "Go call Brass."
"Yeah, alright."
Grissom and Doc Robbins stood around the layout room light table going over the doctor's findings. Catherine joined and the three began to discuss the burn marks, nipple swelling and asphyxiate.
"S and M?" Grissom mused aloud.
"Gone very wrong." Catherine retorted and watched the light bulb flicker on in Grissom's mind. He walked out of the room without another word causing Catherine to turn her attention to Doc Robbins. "You're a doctor, is that normal?"
"Grissom being socially awkward? Yeah. I'd say that's normal." He joked.
"He won't talk to me." Her voice lowered with the weight of its deflated mood. "And he doesn't appear to be sleeping much."
Robbins smiled sadly, "Yeah. I'm guessing Sara left him." He shrugged, "He'll bounce back. But it'll take time. It took him this long to settle down with someone and let them in. I'd bet this is his first heartbreak. At fifty? That's pretty impressive."
"And lonely." She sighed. Watching her friend battle this was the most heartbreaking thing she had yet to see.
Grissom was in his car and driving on autopilot. His thoughts were not present, they were deeply engulfed in her video. Over and over and over again. Breaking his heart each time he replayed it from the start in his mind. But unable to stop himself. I've been thinking of us... all the moments. I thought we could survive anything... I thought love was enough. His gut sank further and further into his abdomen. He couldn't breathe or think or focus. The heartbreak was all encompassing.
He parked and walked up to the gates before he even realized where he'd driven himself. He looked up at the house, the rain pouring relentlessly again. The moon hit one side of his face, the other illuminated by the warm glow of her home. He walked up to the front door and knocked.
The tears began to sting again and suddenly he'd wished he was standing in the rain and not under Lady Heather's covered porch. She peaked through the door's glass to see Grissom standing there, shaking with his eyes on the ground.
"Grissom." Her voice conveyed her shock to see him. He looked up at her, still shaking. She glanced at the storm ragging on and then back to him, soaked in rain himself. "What are you doing here?"
"I should have called, I'm sorry." He straightened out and recomposed himself, posture and tone. "I—I didn't know I was coming." He shook his head through his statement. Unsure how to behave.
"What do you want?" She asked, cocking her head to the side. Taking in the puddle of a man she saw standing in front of her. She moved aside allowing him to enter. He did just that.
The moment his feet stepped inside he felt the difference. He felt her hold on him slipping just a little. Her weighty presence on his chest lightening just a touch. Heather disappeared down the hall as he took off his shoes and walked into the living room. He stood by a credenza, looking at the photos that adorned it. New photos had been added since the last time he was there. Photos of her granddaughter, Alice.
She rejoined him and handed him a mug of tea. "I already had the kettle on." She spoke after seeing he was surprised at the speed in which she delivered the hot beverage.
"Thank you." He wrapped his hands around the mug, allowing its warmth to slightly burn his palms.
She looked him over. She hadn't seen him since he'd helped her gain access to her granddaughter over a year ago. She noted the sad nature of his features. The puff, dark circles under his bloodshot eyes. "When's the last time you got a good nights sleep?" She asked as she looked into his eyes.
"Bad dreams." He offered with a boyish shrug. But even that wasn't completely true. He found it impossible to sleep in his bed since Sara left again. And when he did finally drift off, he'd dream of holding Warrick as he bled out. Until the light went out of his eyes. Until his body went limp. Then he'd jolt awake only to remember that he was alone.
"How can I help?"
"I uh, have a body with some S&M type wounds but there are inconsistencies. So I was hoping to get your first impressions."
"My first impression." She spoke as she scanned him again, "is that you've changed." She gestured for him to take a seat, she occupied the space beside him as he pulled out the folder of photos. He showed her the nipple marks.
"These wounds are from needle play." She observed through the photos. "It's called stacking." She paused and looked at him, "May I touch you?"
Grissom nodded absently and watched as Heather moved her fingers to his chest, demonstrating what stacking looks like. Her fingertips touching around his nipples. He looked down at her touch. It felt foreign, he realized. He hadn't been touched in a long time...
"I'd like to see photos of their bedroom." Heather asked so Grissom called Nick to arrange just that. They waited for the photos to come in. Grissom found himself standing by the window, watching the rain pound down.
"Does Sara know your here?"
He turned around at her question. "No."
"Am I your secret?"
"No." He said more sternly. "And you're not my therapist." He added to his snap. Irritated to hear Sara's name leave Heather's lips in such a way. He sighed.
She wasn't unfamiliar to be on the lash out end of Grissom's irritation. Especially when it came to Sara. He was always so guarded about her. More guarded then he typically was. He didn't respond, "May I make a personal observation? As a friend, not as a therapist." She watched as he diverted his eyes, "Where is Sara?"
He looked back at her now, lip slightly quivering. He shrugged, "She's gone."
"What does that mean?"
"She uh, she left Vegas. For good. Right now she's in the Galapagos Islands doing research and scientific field work. This afternoon she emailed me, ending things."
"Did she every ask you to go with her?"
"She did."
"What stopped you?"
"I don't know. A lot of things."
"Devotion to your work? Loyalty to your team? Fear of the unknown? Fear of change?" She was hitting all the right points, he realized. But her guesses were met with silence. "Do you regret your decision to not go with her?"
"It was beyond my control." He shrugged.
"Really?" She challenged him. "You know, most relationships are over before they end. But you mourn the loss all the same. Often with bittersweet conflicting emotions. And yet, there is often a sense of relief that comes with it's final severing. We've all experienced it, but no one want's to admit it."
"I didn't say the relationship was over." He spoke softly, shrugging again with boyish innocence.
"You didn't have to say it. Not making a decision was your decision." Heather's words pulsated through him. Almost verbatim to Sara's wording in the video. Grissom thought on this for a moment. His eyes began to sting again. "So? Do you have a sense of relief?"
He shook his head, quickly wiping at a tear that fell.
"I think you're here because it's not home, it's not work, and this is the only place that doesn't remind you of Sara." She was right. He'd finally found the neutral place he'd been searching for since his conversation with Patricia. "I have a guest room, you can stay as long as you want." He looked up at her, salt water pooling in his eyes. "You're tired Gil." She soothed. "Let's go upstairs, I'll show you where you can settle in."
Grissom followed her upstairs. She opened the door and moved aside to allow him to step in. He made his way to the bed and laid on the left side out of habit. His body moving onto its side, close to fetal position, facing away from the door. He heard her move to leave, "Heather?" She stoped in her tracks, "Would you stay."
She thought for a brief moment before closing the door with her on the inside. She walked back to the bed and sat in the chair near him. "I'm not sure what else I can do for you." She spoke honestly, looking into the depths of his sad, watery eyes.
"I just don't want to be alone."
"You don't have to be, Grissom. You choose to be." He looked up at her in confusion. She continued, "You don't feel any sense of relief? That you can put it to rest? That you don't have to worry about where she is? How she is?"
He shook his head against the pillow, "No." He whispered, nearly choking on his words.
"It seems that Sara is merely walking away because she thinks that is what you need, what you asked for. If you don't want her to move on, if you still love her and want to be with her, you need to go after her. Otherwise," She paused a moment, knowing her next words to be harsh, "you'll need to live with the decisions you made that cost you this relationship. That cost you the love of your life."
"I don't know..."
"Maybe not now, but one day, you're going to wake up and realize that letting her go was the biggest mistake of your life. You're going to look around to find that Catherine and Nick have taken promotions in other labs. Greg has transferred to days. Brass has retired, Warrick still gone. You'll look around to find that you are alone. And you spend your days fantasizing about the life you almost had if you had just taken a chance." She paused again as she watched his chest heave, "No one can tell you when you'll be ready. But when you are, you shouldn't fight it."