"Falling in love
Falling in love
Deeper than I've felt it before with you, baby
I feel I'm falling in love with all my heart"
- Cigarettes After Sex
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The door closes with a click, and I look at him. He looks around in this empty office before taking a seat on a chair in front of this desk, a desk that must've belonged to a detective or a police officer that is not here right now. Or perhaps, no longer a part of this establishment. I watch him carefully as he sighs and rub his temple, shaking his own head slowly at how everything has unfolded. I take my time observing him from behind his back before I walk on over to take a seat right next to him, placing my hand softly on top of his free one.
My lover.
My dear friend.
My reason for being alive anymore.
...
My magnum opus.
My eyes widen just a centimeter at that thought. He really is the love of my life. No other boy has ever inspired me to take such great risks the way Kenshin does. And believe me, I've made many terrible risks with boys before; boys I've had no strings attached sex with before, boys I've dated such as Okita who threw my heart through the grinder, boys who really saw me as nothing more than a piece of meat to do whenever they please, before throwing me out like garbage to pretend to be straight afterwards.
I let them do that to me, because I was convinced I wasn't born to be loved at all.
I was ready to live a life without love, without the possibility of being able to love someone else freely.
I was ready for it all.
Until I saw Kenshin for the very first time.
And suddenly, I wanted to take much more than just a sexual risk. I wanted to be with him in school, at his house, at my house, with our friends, to the entire world.. but every time he got close, I pulled back, just enough so that my secret fears wouldn't be realized. Fears like making Kenshin become like all the other boys out there who wouldn't be able to love me deep down. Fears like me being inherently unlovable becoming a fact, rather than just a fleeting thought inside my head. Thoughts like my father abandoning me altogether.
But I tried. Oh, how I tried with Kenshin!
And now.. I came out to the entire world, thanks to him.
I realize the love I was searching for my entire life, was through myself.
Through him.
Through both of us, together.
Kenshin..
I lean in to kiss him on the cheek, waking him up from his trance. He blinks softly at me and takes my cheek into his hand lovingly as he mumbles, "Babe..?"
I turn my face towards his hand to kiss it too, nodding, "I have it. The USB stick. It's up to you.. Do you want me to give to the police now? Or let Aoshi take it?"
He grunts, his eyes wavering. His eyes then steadies and lets them drift to an open area behind my head, taking a moment to think about what to say next. I look at his face meanwhile, my heart expanding and throbbing over how in love I am with him. I could sing praises about how he looks, or the way he sounds when he talks. But none of those things matter right now.
I know that someday in the future, he will change. He will get older. He will probably decide to cut his beautiful hair shorter. He might not wear this same style of clothing forever. He'll decide to mellow out and settle down. He won't always have the energy or even the care in the world to continue to act out like a wild child, or aggressively fight for what's right instead of what's easy.
But he'll always have that heart that I love so much. He'll always be the man who will fall asleep next to me, because he sees something in me that no one else could. He'll always be someone I can spend the rest of my life with. He'll always believe in me, even when I can't see myself keep going for any longer.
He'll always be the one that will make life worth living.
"If we give it to the police.." Kenshin leans in now to kiss the bridge of my nose, "I wonder how angry they'll get at how long we kept that in our house. Or that we somehow broke the law for breaking into your dad's company, you know?"
I nod, "Yeah. That makes sense."
"So then.."
"So then," I kiss his eyebrow and under his eye, "We'll give it to Aoshi."
"Where is it?"
"I have it."
"You have it?" He hisses, trying to keep his voice low so that no one else can hear him just in case, "Soujiro! You can't just.. You can't just carry something that horrible with you like that! What if you fucking lose it?"
"I carry it with me in case he tries something. My father, I mean."
He leans back, blinking and then softening all over, "Oh. Yeah.. That's.. a good way of looking at it, actually.."
I giggle, "Trust me, Kenshin. Everything I do is for a reason. I've always been the one to try to keep one step ahead. It's how I was able to manipulate you, right? Or did you forget?"
"God, Soujiro," His voice is husky and I try so hard to ignore that pulse of desire inside of me, "You can manipulate me forever if that makes you happy. Do it. I don't care anymore.."
"Let's talk to the police," I sigh, "I'll tell them just enough information to start a case file on my dad, and then we'll go to the hotel."
He nods, "Okay. What are you going to tell the officer?"
"The basics. About how I was born and raised. About how my dad had plans for me to take over the company. That I never really knew my mom, and never knew what became of her. That I was hiding a secret from him because I was ashamed of myself, and because he's a raging asshole. That I think he's hiding something illegal and I fear it's probably something pretty bad. But more importantly.. that I came to this school to be with you."
He blushes, "You sure you want to add that last part?"
"Why not?"
"Well," He sighs, "I think the basic background is good to start with, but I wonder if it's a good idea to get too nitty gritty with the details just yet. At least, not without a lawyer in your case."
I smile sadly, "You're right. I do need a lawyer."
He scratches the side of his head awkwardly, "But I guess.. You don't have the money for it right now."
I shake my head, my smile fading quickly, "No. My dad would know about all of that. So.."
Silence.
"Hey," Kenshin smiles at me reassuringly, "We got this. I'm sure we can figure something out. I know people. Maybe not fancy fucks like your dad does, but.."
I chuckle, "You're adorable."
"Huh?" He cocks an eyebrow at me but smiles at me never the less.
"Nothing. Never mind," I get up from the chair and take his face in my hands to lean in to kiss him on the lips, "Come on. Let's just get this over with."
"Okay." He smiles dreamily up at me, and I smile softly down at him in return.
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We talked to the police. I relayed only the basic information about my background, just like I told Kenshin I would. Officer Abe was polite and noted everything down on his notepad, listening attentively and without interrupting me. Hiko knows some pretty nice fellows, and I hate that he doesn't work for them anymore. He really should return to his old job. Of being a detective, I mean. He's helped me a lot and then some. He could really help other guys like me out there. Maybe something I can bring up when all of this is over and done with.
"Thank you so much for all of this, young man!" Office Abe smiles at me courteously, "We will certainly look into your father's activities from here on out. Do you suppose you'd feel comfortable if we visited your father's residence?"
I look at my own lap for a moment before looking back at him with a frown.
"I think that might not be a good idea right now. He's still angry that I refuse to live with him right now, on account of my suspicion that he's doing something illegal on the down low."
He nods his head, "I understand. Will you be changing your mind sometime soon? We could maybe start at his company building instead of his home?"
I hum, dragging my finger against my chin, "I think that's okay. But I can't lie, he'll be sure to put his best face forward even if you do catch him by surprise."
"Of course," Officer Abe taps his pen against the notepad, "By then, depending on how he reacts to our questioning, we may be able to order in a warrant to search through his house. But we need something. Anything, that can give us that way in."
I can feel my hand on the resting arm twitch, and I grunt. I can't give him the USB stick. Kenshin doesn't want that just yet. We have to be strategic about this. If we act too impulsively, even with the best intentions in the world.. it could still blow up in our faces.
Kenshin is right. We have to be careful. At least for now.
Still.. Kenshin nods and joins in on the conversation, "We know. And.. Well.. I know something about his dad that you might not be aware of."
I turn to him in concern, but he looks back at me and nods with confidence.
He shakes his head with a disgusted scowl on his face, "The one time my friends and I visited Soujiro.. I saw marks around his neck. I was so scared when I saw them. I wondered if his dad was beating him up. And Soujiro then admits that he has been putting his hands on him."
Officer Abe now looks to me with a disconcerting expression, "Is this true, young man? Does your father hurt you at home?"
Well.. I think that's one way to get a search warrant. Cry domestic violence. It's technically the truth, anyway. I take a quivering breath, "Yes. Yes, my dad has hurt me before."
He nods, "I see. Thank you for your bravery, Mr Seta. With everything I've heard so far from you, Himura, and my dear friend Hiko.. We most certainly have a case to look into. And rest assured, Mr Seta, that we will work tirelessly to bring you to justice."
I feel my cheeks flushing, but I smile at him, "Thank you. I appreciate it."
"Do you feel comfortable talking about how he has abused you before? Aside from this neck incident Mr Himura just relayed?"
"Just.. The way he spoke to me. How he made me feel. He made me feel as if I don't matter in the world."
Officer Abe continues to write things down, and he looks back up determinedly, "Emotional and verbal abuse are also a crime! I am relieved that you are telling me all of this. Now.. Has there ever been abuse of a, well, how should I put this delicately.. in an physically intimate way?"
I can feel a bout of nausea spreading inside of me. This is it. This is the part I didn't wanted to talk about. But it is the part of me that I wanted to run away since the day it happened to me.
I look at Kenshin, and notice the way he is looking at me.
He isn't looking at me the way other people used to look at me before. Or the way people look at damaged people like myself in general. With disgust. With pity. Wishing me well, but hoping I'd stay away, just so that my diseases and brokenness wouldn't reach them.
He doesn't look at me that way at all.
Instead.. he looks at me with love and care. With concern. With wanting what's best for me.
But most of all..
With trust.
...
Breathe in.
...
Exhale.
...
"It started when I was around six years old."
Silence deepens in the room as the officer and my boyfriend both look at me in stunned silence. They were hoping for an older age, I'm sure. They were hoping it wasn't anything bad. And they sure hope that I was just kidding.
But I'm not.
I continue: "It happened at a party my father threw in his own honor, because of some business triumph he experienced with his work buddies. The usual rich class ass pattings," I smile, but my lips tremble and so I stop myself.
".. Before that night, however.. dad made some weird comments about my body. How I seemed slender and good looking. He said, that if I wasn't going to take over his company someday when I'm older, then he can definitely see me as a gold digger. Obviously, I knew nothing about what that term meant, or what exactly it entailed.."
Officer Abe scribbles everything down on his notepad. Meanwhile, Kenshin holds my hand tightly, just to keep me steady.
"But I guess, he had plans to make sure I did just both. To use my body for someone he knew at the time that he wanted especially to be strong acquaintances with in business. This man was younger than him by at least a few years at the time, but he looked so old to me at that age anyway. I was told that my parents were going out to do some errands for the rest of the day, and I was babysat by this man. And.. that man.. took my face in his hand, and used his other hand to grab himself down th.."
God, I want to throw up.
I don't think I can do this!
Thankfully, Officer Abe lifts a hand up politely, "That would be all, Soujiro. I've heard enough. If you're not ready to go on today, then that's understandable. I believe I should tell Hiko to arrange a meeting with a psychiatrist in the area if you are open to that."
I look up weakly, "Kenshin.. mentioned that I needed a therapist.."
Officer Abe smiles, "Yes. You do. And those sessions will be a part of our investigation as we get to the bottom of this."
I suddenly remember someone.
I look at Officer Abe and ask, "Hey.. Is Officer Shozo around?"
Officer Abe shakes his head, "He's out for the day. But I can relay a message to him if you'd like."
"I just want to tell him thank you for his hard work," I blush, "He was suspicious of me and Kenshin at first, but I think he did felt bad for us eventually when someone from our school got killed. The Makoto Shishio incident, I mean."
"Ah," Officer Abe nods, "That is also a connection between all of you, isn't it?"
"We think Soujiro's dad killed him," Kenshin frowns, "But we don't have a clue except that a limo was at the scene of the crime, and the license plate came up as a driver that his dad drives around with."
"We will look into that if you have the picture! Anything will help. Thank you so much, you two!" Officer Abe clasps his hands together and we relax happily, content that we have such a nice guy working for us.
We wrap things up and soon, we are in a police car after Hiko arrived back at the station to give us our duffel bags with our laptops amongst them. The police car, driven by a random cop and Officer Abe himself, chatted with us casually and that they will drop us at a nice hotel at the city of Itami. They figured that having about an hour's distance from Kyoto will be good for us.
"Oh, Itami? That's.." Kenshin frowns, confused.
"It's in Hyogo." Officer Abe chirps happily, and I watch as Kenshin freezes.
"Kenshin..?" I feel my eyebrow rising up at him.
He purses his lips and takes a moment so that the officers are talking and laughing among each other before he leans to the side towards me to whisper, "That's where.. You know who lives in right now."
Oh, great.
I scoff and then sigh, "Wonderful."
"I didn't know they were going to take us there!" He whispers defensively and I roll my eyes.
"It's fine," I close my eyes, taking a second to center myself before I open them again to look at my lap, ".. If it's true what you said, then I want to go see her."
Silence.
"Huh..?"
I look at him with a glare, "What 'huh'? I said I want to go see Kaoru. Do you have a problem with that?"
"Nothing, just.. I didn't think you wanted to go see her. Especially after what happened."
"I know. That's why I want to go see her. To apologize to her. For that night. And.. everything else."
He looks at me, astonished by what I just said.
I interrupt his daze with a smirk, "I guess I'm still high off of this whole truth thing. You were always about that virtue, weren't you?"
His body softens and so does his facial expression. He smiles mildly, "Yeah.."
"Then, that's what I'll do. For you. To live truthfully."
"Soujiro.."
If this was the past, we wouldn't do what we are about to do. But because things are different now, and I have become so much braver than I've ever been before.. I take his hand with my own, even if the driver could plainly see this from his review mirror. Despite that, though, nothing happens, and nobody says anything. It was just a normal car ride to a hotel, and we were dropped off not long after.
"So long!" Officer Abe waves from the car window once Soujiro and I climb out of it together, "This is a very nice hotel, and don't worry about the finances. It's been taken care of. You just enjoy the next several days in Itami."
"Thank you so much." I bow respectfully.
"Yeah, thanks." Kenshin also bows down, and Officer Abe beams at us both before the car drives off, leaving us in front of this old style housing that is the hotel itself. It reminds me a little of Kenshin's house, but definitely upscaled and updated for the modern clientele. I like it.
"Well, shall we?" Kenshin is carrying both of our duffel bags (Such a gentleman!) and winks at me.
I chuckle, "By all means."
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This hotel is really nice! I feel like I'm back in the Meiji Era with the way everything is set up. The old architecture and overall vibe has carefully selected pieces of modern technology, though, to keep a balance to it that is attractive for us all; a wire telephone hooked to a wall so that we can contact the front desk easily, a large flat screen television in the living area with all the channels available for us to watch, Wi-Fi connection, an electric kettle for coffee and tea, and toiletries in the private bathroom. Everything else is preserved for a vintage feeling - shikibutons on the floor for us to sleep in, access to a hot springs downstairs to share with other guests, and more.
"What do you want to do now?" Kenshin suddenly asks me after we're done putting some clothes away in the closet and in the drawers, "I feel like this is the perfect opportunity to do whatever we want in a place where no one knows us."
I giggle, "Yes, no one except your ex-girlfriend."
"Oh, come on, now.."
"I'm just kidding."
".. You really want to talk to her, though?"
"I do. I want to put it behind us."
"You're amazing, Soujiro."
"I know. You're lucky to have me," I turn around to check out the futons out of curiosity, "These look so comfortable."
"Come onnn," Kenshin wraps his arms around me from the back, "Let's do something funnn!"
"What do you have in mind?"
"Karaoke?"
"Played out!" I throw my hands up for comedy effect. Kenshin scoffs.
"Fine!" He throws his tongue at me teasingly, "Um.. What have we done together.. We went to a museum.. We went to an aquarium.. We, uh, fucked everywhere including the movie theater.."
"This is so romantic, just to let you know." I look at him boredly.
He chuckles, "Dude, fuck you, I'm trying!"
"Are there any pamphlets here?" I look around, "Why don't you find them and look through them? And then surprise me."
He perks up, "Okay!"
And off he goes, like a good little puppy wanting to please his master. I bite down a giggle to myself and shake my head, completely and utterly happy with how things are settling down now. We've had a huge day today, and it's nice to finally have this private time with Kenshin again; without having to deal with too much attention from other people, or even having to deal with his dad catching us in the act. It was nice to stay home from school with Kenshin like that, but in a way, I felt suffocated because we couldn't go out and do fun things together.
I miss this. I miss living like this with him.
...
But, the bad thing is, it took us living apart in order to have this sort of intimacy again.
I pause at that thought, my eyes freezing at the beds on the floor now. Is that what it is? The fact that living with my father, and Kenshin living with his, and sleeping at each other's houses is what was missing? But that's insane. Why would it take us living apart to get that spark back again? Is it maybe because Hiko is with us at least for several hours during the morning and evening that is cramping our style?
Well.. Kenshin and I are adults now..
We can absolutely live in a new place together if we want to..
But that requires money.
More than what we have right now.
How are we going to do this? We still have, what, a few more months of school left before final examinations come up, and then we graduate? When we go to college, that's when we'll be able to move out of Hiko's place and get a dorm together or something. But the thought of going back to Hiko's place.. I wonder if Kenshin and I will fight again.
Or maybe not? Maybe now that we are out of the closet completely, and now that we can just go back to school like normal to get some fresh air, maybe that's all we need to be a couple that doesn't fight anymore.
I grunt, my eyes frowning deeply at the futons. Or maybe not. Maybe because I know my dad is out there, ready to hurt us at any given moment.. means we will have to hole ourselves up again. Hide at school and then hide at Hiko's place. We won't be able to go out on these fun dates anymore. We won't be able to just have a good time together like any other regular couple.
This is so unfair!
Why does the world have to be so..!
I shut my eyes, my fists curling tightly by my sides.
...
"Honey?"
My eyes snap open and I freeze, as if caught red handed. I look over my shoulder to look at Kenshin, who is now looking at me with concern.
"Are you okay?" He looks down at my fists now, "You look pissed off suddenly."
I relax my hands and turn around to face him completely, "It's nothing."
His eyes tighten at me, and I feel backed into a corner. Those eyes of his can be so menacing sometimes.
"Are you sure?" His voice drops a level, and I pause.
".. Well.."
He waits for me, crossing his arms in front of him.
"The thing is," I scratch the back of my head, "I wonder if we're going to have this same giddy honeymoon feeling when we return to Hiko's house. I feel like we fight so much because we don't get to go out like this anymore, you know?"
He seems to perk up at this, "I think I know what you mean! I was just thinking about that when I was looking for the pamphlets."
".. You did?" I wonder how I look now, because he couldn't help but smile softly at me.
"Yeah. I think it's important to take your boyfriend out on dates and shit."
I giggle, "You could have ended that thought without the cursing!"
"You know what I mean! And honestly.. I think we should do it. Go out on dates in Kyoto like we used to, I mean."
I gape at him.
"You think that's safe to do so?"
"Fuck safety. I will protect you no matter what happens. We can't keep hiding like this. You came out bravely today in front of so many people, and it just wouldn't make sense to then hide like a little mouse back inside a hole straight afterwards. If we're out like this, then let's take it all the way and be public about it!"
"But the press—"
He lunges forward and hugs me tightly, "—Don't. Don't give into the fear, Soujiro. Just hold onto me. That's all I ask."
Kenshin..
I sigh happily and embrace him in return, "God, Kenshin. You are the best thing that's ever happened to me. I wish I could marry you right this second."
He chuckles, "I wish so, too."
It's not fair.
If we were a man and a woman together, we would be able to go to an office right now and officiate everything today if we feel like it. But Japan is not ready for something like us yet. We're doomed to be seen as just permanent roommates, with some rights of some sort to placate people like us.. but not enough to make us happy in the long run.
I want more.. so much more than this..
Kenshin breaks away from the hug gently and nods, "Come on. I found a pamphlet and I got an amazing idea. You'll love it."
I giggle, "Okay!"
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Poor Soujiro.
Coming out of that hotel, I promptly took him down a few blocks to wait for a bus. Since it's just a couple of hours shy before evening, I figured I'd take Soujiro out to a fun event and then cap it off with a nice dinner somewhere. Soujiro is right; we really needed to go out on a date and it's been a long time coming. Some of the best memories we've had was when we got to go out and have fun together. I love cuddling with him at home, and I especially love having sex with him in the bed. But I think doing things like this was probably what made us both realize how much we love each other outside of the bedroom, too.
And I want to preserve that conclusion with Soujiro, no matter what.
"What is this place?" Soujiro blinks curiously around the area I took him too, "This looks.. different."
Indeed, it is. It looks like a target practice room, but instead of posters showing a shadowed body for people to shoot at it, they're just images of circular targets instead. There are a few people inside of the establishment, people not much older than the two of us. Probably bored college goers. I can't believe we're about to join the ranks pretty soon.
"Welcome to the Ax!" A peppy brunette walks up to us happily, "Will it be just you two for tonight?"
"Yup." I nod, "Just for an hour or something?"
She grins, "Sure! As long as you pay the tab, you can leave whenever you like! We don't charge by the hour!"
I scoff in good nature, "Cool. Then, yeah, I'll pay for the tickets."
Soujiro breathes quietly at what I just said and he looks like he's about to do his usual monkey dance of wanting to pay for us with his shiny card. But I beat him to the punch, with the way I hand her over my card and she promptly goes on over to her register to print out a ticket for the both of us. Soujiro hangs his head slightly, his cheeks taking on a rosy tint.
I wonder if he's ever going to grow out of that need to always buy things for me. I understand that it's part of his temperament, being the helpful type and all. But sometimes, I want to be the one to take care of him. If anything, I feel almost obligated to. I think it's because I top him in bed, and so I like feeling masculine calling the shots in the finance department, too. It felt a bit humiliating back then to let him spend so much money on him, all so that I can fuck him in return.
Maybe a tiny, tiny part of me still wants to hang on what's left of my manliness.
I halt, surprised by that thought. Where did that come from? I'm just as manly and cool as I've always been, right? I look up in time to see the woman come back with both my card and our tickets, sending us in with a smile.
Whatever. It doesn't matter.
We get in front of a target poster and are being handed axes. Soujiro looks at this axe with some awkwardness, and I couldn't help but snigger at him. He huffs, "What!"
"Nothing. You look so cute."
He does a 'hmph' sound and turns his head away from me, closing his eyes with an annoyed look on his face, "Why don't you start first?"
"Okay."
He grunts and opens his eyes to look at me in shock as I take a couple of steps towards the target that is plastered on the wall in front of me. I lift my axe over my head to aim carefully, some onlookers now turning to stare at me to see if I'll make it. I eye the poster carefully and aim, using my upper body strength to then lunge the weapon forward to let it fly towards the poster, hitting nearly right on the center. I can hear some of my fans whistling and clapping, impressed by my first try.
I turn to Soujiro, who looks at me with wide eyes and both of his hands grasping on the handle of his axe tightly. I guess he's not used to throwing big sharp things like that.
"Come on, it's not so bad!" I walk down to where he's at, placing a hand on his shoulder, "Do you want me to help you?"
His eyes darts towards the side, as if to tell me that there's people watching us. I look at him with a deadpan expression now, telling him silently to come the fuck on. He looks into my eyes for a moment, and then he smiles, moved by the way I've changed so much since he first met me.
If this was months ago, I never would have paraded him around so publicly and without shame like this. And I would have followed his heed in trying to be as inconspicuous as possible.
But not today.
I don't waste another moment before I walk right up behind him to take my hands on his forearms, leaning towards his ear to mumble, "Walk towards the target. I got you. I'll help you."
"Kenshin.." He whispers, and I can feel him wanting to tell me that people are watching, but alas, he relaxes into my hold and he nods. He walks forward, and I am right behind him all the while. He is standing on the cross shape that the employees taped on the floor for the customers to stand on, and he turns his face towards mine, our lips merely a hair away from touching..
I can feel his sweet, soft breath hitting on my lower lip, and a singe of electricity runs up my back. I could kiss him right now, and watch as the world around us melt away..
But, I instead slowly lean my head back so as to also take a gentle hold below his upper arms, to help him lift the axe. I don't care who's watching us anymore. I don't care what people have to say about us anymore. I don't care if people think gay people are sick, or if bi people are dangerous to be around. I don't care if they think lesbians are just broken women in need of help, or any of that.
I was wrong.
About what love has to look like.
It can be just as beautiful and perfect as the one we share, right now.
Soujiro..
I love you.
Now, swing.
We both look up, startled. Soujiro's aim was just right, and his axe was hit right next to my own weapon. People behind us start to cheer louder and with more passion than before, and I run one hand on his upper back in a congratulatory fashion.
"Kenshin!" He breathes with a smile, "I did it! I can't believe I did it! On the first try, too!"
"We're amazing, aren't we?" I grin at him, and he smiles back sincerely.
"We are." His eyes look so beautiful when he looks at me with so much love.
I could just kiss you right now.
But for now.. let's just do a few more rounds, and have some fun.
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Kenshin took me to a ramen eat-in restaurant and we couldn't help but be such saps with each other. It's like we've decided to no longer hide our love anymore and want to share it with the entire world. Even if we did catch a couple of people looking at us with these blank yet threatening look on their faces, most people either didn't mind, or seem supportive with the way they chuckle at our affection towards each other. We had a delicious dinner and Kenshin kept the food coming, and we were having so much laughing and chatting the night away.
Soon after, we went back to the hotel room to take a much needed shower together, and the clock strikes five-thirty at night. We left Kyoto at around one in the afternoon, arrived in the city about a couple of hours later, and went out to have fun before getting dinner. And it only took just a few hours before the rosy skies starts to hint of the late hour. Funny, it feels like as if many days have passed by, with all the craziness that had occurred.
Our friends kept messaging us and Kenshin had shared his own location with Sano, who at least appreciates having that line of connection with us in case anything bad happens. I share my location with Yahiko, at the very least, since I don't feel one hundred percent safe here, either. Who knows what could happen to me, and it's good to take precautions.
I'm usually not this paranoid. I used to lead life with a more carefree attitude. It would explain my previous promiscuous episode of all those guys I've been with before I met Kenshin. But right now, we have to make all the right choices if we're going to keep ourselves safe.
It's the least we could do for now.
We decide to watch a movie on that nice television set. We watch it on the couch, and we decide to pop in something action packed. We've decided to drink some strawberry sodas because I begged Kenshin to grab us some from a nearby convenience store, and he complied like the good boyfriend that he really is. And we even got some snacks to go along with it, too! We are contently watching the movie, getting into the story line, and cracking jokes about the little things.. when I receive a text message on my phone.
Kenshin keeps watching the movie as I look at my phone screen to see that it's a text message from Megumi. I hum to myself quietly, wondering what's up. I read the content of the message: hey you. i talked to kaoru. explained the whole thing to her, and how you two have basically came out to the entire school. i told her that you were sorry for the way you left things off last time with her, and that you regret it a lot. that none of it was her fault. i even filled her in on the whole limo thing, and how dangerous things have gotten between all of us. let's just say she's softened up a lot and seems at least interested in meeting up with you two, now that you're in her city. it's up to you, of course.
"Who's that?" Kenshin doesn't move his head or his eyes from the screen, taking a sip of his soda can.
"Megumi," I smile at the screen, "She says that Kaoru wants to meet us. If we want to. To clear the air."
"Really?" Kenshin finally looks at me, stocked by this news, "I mean, is that.. alright with you?"
I nod, "Yeah. I really want this. I need this."
He smiles and pecks me on the cheek sweetly, "Then, let's schedule it. We'll be here for the next three days, so do you maybe want to do it tomorrow or something?"
"Yeah. That's perfect."
I text Megumi back: can you see if she's down for tomorrow? not sure when she gets home from school or if she has a job right now, but kenshin and i are free to meet on whenever she's free to. no pressure.
"You know," I send the message while looking at the television screen, "Kyoto has grown on me so much."
"Oh yeah?"
"Yeah. I can't even imagine going back to Tokyo, or anywhere else on Earth."
"Sounds like you've found your forever home."
"Forever what?" I look at him with a snigger.
"You know. Like, a place you belong to. With people who makes you feel like you can be yourself completely with. That forever home."
".. You're my forever home."
"You're sooooo lame!" He groans playfully, but still snuggles up to me with his arms around me while rubbing his cheek against my head, "But yeah. I think Kyoto loves having you around."
"So then, we'll meet up with Kaoru tomorrow," I feel my phone vibrate on my side again, "Oh, Megumi replied!"
kaoru will be done with school at around 2 and then she wants to wash up and do a couple of things around her aunt's house. but she will be ready at like 4pm if that's okay? she says she can stay and talk for maybe 10 minutes, but then she has dinner with her bf afterwards.
"Four in the afternoon tomorrow." I show Kenshin the message and give him time to read it.
He shrugs casually, "Sure."
I text her back confirming everything and put my phone away to watch the rest of the movie happily with Kenshin.
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[3:50 PM]
"Here's the place," I look up from my phone to see that we are now about to enter through a small park. There are empty playgrounds, while the rest of the place has some picnic tables and roads for walkers and hikers to trek through. Kenshin and I find a table underneath a tree and is overlooking a huge lake below; a bridge made of concrete can be walked over the same river, and it looks like it can be a great place for bicyclists once the weather warms up here soon.
Overall, a nice place to relax in.
Kenshin keeps his hands in his coat pockets and shivers, "Fuck, it's cold."
"Yeah.." I am thankful for my wool hat and gloves, "I think I hear it will snow here soon. Maybe tonight when we go to sleep."
"We should have gotten something warm to drink on the way over here."
"Yeah. We should have.."
Silence.
"Soujiro?"
I wake up from my daze and look at him from across the wooden table in surprise, "Yeah?"
"Are you nervous?"
"Oh. Yeah. A little."
He smiles, "You look it. You're thinking of what to say to her, huh?"
I gulp, nodding, "Yeah. It's unnerving that she'd even agree to be here soon. I acted like such an asshole to her."
Kenshin deflates, "Yeah, but that's my fault, not yours."
I smirk, "I was the one who seduced you while you were with her."
"But then I slept with her when I was about to dump her for you."
I sigh, "Still hurts to hear you say it."
"Sorry." He shrinks back with a wince.
I chuckle under my breath, "It's fine. I think I deserve it, to be honest. I shouldn't have slept with you while you were with her, to be honest."
"Well.." He shifts in his seat, "If you could go back in time, what would you have done instead?"
"I don't know. I would have at least talked to you. I would have shown you in some other way how much I love you. I could have even helped her with her own homework."
"Kaoru doesn't need help with any of that. She was easily the most ambitious out of all of us. Well.. Until you came into the picture, of course."
I smile, "I bet she'd be a worthy opponent for me, even now! I could definitely see her going to grad school and doing something big with her life."
"Yeah, same here. She's a smart girl."
It's nice. It's nice to talk to her so openly and nicely like this. I guess now that we're out of the closet and have the gang back with us, it seems like so much of the pressure are off. We can see Kaoru as something deeply platonic again, instead of some weird sexual invasion to our relationship.
I hope she agrees and sees the same way.
...
"Um. Uh.."
The voice sounds so quiet and unsure. Even so, both of us flinch out of our skin and quickly look up to see Kaoru standing a little away from the table we're in right now. Her face looks so hesitant and her eyes screams that she's reluctant to even be here right now. She is dressed in ivory, from the coat to her hat and her mittens, paired with some dark stockings to go with some cute fur boots. She looks fresh faced, if not practically glowing. Her hair is sleek and glossy, and curled very lightly on the ends. We gape at her in silence, caught off guard by her overall chaste image, and even I am reminded once more as to why I was so insecure over her in the first place.
Kaoru will always be one of the prettiest girls I know. It's no wonder Kenshin had such a soft spot for her for all of these years.
We finally snap out of it when she grabs the strap of her purse with her free hand, grunting at this silence. Kenshin is the first one to say something, "Kaoru! You.. You look amazing!"
Okay, maybe that's pushing it a bit too far. Still, I bite down my tongue and smile, nodding in agreement.
She doesn't say anything, and she tries to smile, but quickly takes it back once her eyes flashes over to me.
I smile at her nervously, feeling my heart beating rapidly in anxiety, "Y-yeah! You look really nice!"
She frowns and closes her eyes, taking a moment to calm herself down before she open her eyes again, "I think it's too cold to be out here."
Kenshin nods, "Y-yeah, that's true! I think there's a café nearby, do you want to maybe grab something there?"
"Megumi told us to come here," I shrug with one shoulder, chuckling awkwardly, "I guess maybe she did that on purpose just to mess with me and Kenshin."
She doesn't laugh though, and she doesn't respond. Crap. Kenshin and I shoot each other a quick look before we hastily gets up from the chairs and get away from the table, to go towards her. Kaoru stiffens from where she stands as we walk up to her, looking at her wide eyed. She looks back with the same set of eyes, too. We are quiet for a couple of beats, and thankfully, I have the guts to at least bridge the gap with a smile, "I'm so happy you could come see us, Kaoru. This means the world to us."
Kaoru blinks rapidly at me, before her cheeks flush in embarrassment before her eyes flutter downward to look at our shoes, ".. Yeah.."
"Come on," Kenshin nods, "We should get out of here. It's too cold."
She doesn't respond, but she at least turns around and starts walking, leading us the way out of the freezing cold. As we walk out from the park and back into civilization, I make note of her. She seems to be at least healthy these days. And by healthy, I mean at least she's not starving herself or overeating herself to death. The last thing I want is to not only be remembered for being such a conniving slut, but also why someone hates the way they look in the mirror all because of me. I don't know why or how, but has she gotten paler since the last time I saw her? Maybe she's just not going out so much if she can help it.
I grunt, looking down at myself. I hope she's not hiding herself in her aunt's house because of me. I hope she doesn't feel the need to not go out as much because it just isn't the same without her old friends back in Kyoto.
Oh, Kaoru..
I really messed up, didn't I?
Soon we reach a café and sit in a small table all the way in the back. They have a bakery and everything, which is quite quaint. The air smells of coffee and baked goods, and soon the heater of the building builds back color onto our faces again, relieving us from the harsh cold air of the outside world.
While Kenshin is up at the register to order our stuff, Kaoru and I are fated to be seated all alone in that table. The air is thick with tensity, but she at least tries to stay affable with the way she looks at her hands and, if our eyes accidentally cross each others' paths, smiles at me me mutely before looking elsewhere politely. It's strange, but.. if I have never met Kenshin, and if I have never been born gay, or even saw him as someone as a romantic option.. I would have definitely agreed that Kaoru would be his perfect match. Kaoru would have been able to make Kenshin be better than he thinks he should be, just by doing her own thing and letting that be an inspiration for Kenshin.
Kaoru is the quiet type. She doesn't push herself on top of people like I do. She watches life from the sidelines, keeps her head down, and follows what is expected of her. But at the same time, she pushes the envelope in her own way; she could have been much like her own mother, a woman without any goals. But instead, she wants to do so much more with her life, and let her intelligence lead the way. She might not have the spunk or the outgoing nature of Misao or Megumi, but in a way, Kaoru's gentle and unassuming nature feels like a breath of fresh air for me.
And yet, I hurt her.
I look at her as she looks down on herself sadly.
A person who never should have felt that kind of pain..
"I'm sorry."
She gasps quietly, looking up at me in surprise. Now it's my turn to look down on myself. Not out sadness. But out of guilt. I never should have done what I have done to her before. I never should have hid myself when I knew I was falling in love with Kenshin. I should have told someone. Anybody.. including her. I could have been honest from the start. I could have told the gang that I came to Kyoto for nothing else except to be with Kenshin. But it's hard because.. back then, I thought I only came to Kyoto to find good sex. I ignored my feelings when it felt like it was becoming something more than just a casual fling, but stuffed it down instead, thinking I was doing the right thing..
But in the end, all it did was hurt me, and her, and everyone around me.
Especially Kenshin.
I broke his heart with telling him I would never date him, or want to be in a relationship with him.
I was lying to myself!
I lied to him, and to her!
...
And I will take this to my grave.
"Soujiro.."
I look at her. She looks reluctant again, but then softens all over. She takes a moment to mentally formulate what to say next before she mumbles, ".. I'm sorry, too."
I grunt, "Sorry? For what, though..?"
Kaoru sighs, "Just. For whatever it was that made you hate me, I guess.."
"Kaoru," I lean in and try to reach over for her hand, but seeing the way she carefully takes her hand back, I grunt and lean back to my seat completely again, ".. I don't hate you. You didn't do anything at all. It's me. It was all me. I was the one who caused this huge mess to begin with."
She is quiet, not sure how or what to say now.
I fill in the gap for her, "The truth is, Kaoru.. is that I envy you. A lot."
That got her attention. Her eyes widen when they were at the table, and she looks up at me again, "Envy me?"
I nod, "Yes. You are everything I've ever wanted to be. Everything I wish I could be. You could have been such an amazing match for Kenshin, if I had never met him. I mean it. If anything.. I would have given you my blessings to be with him if I had never fallen in love with him."
Her eyes widen more at me, her lips parting in surprise at this confession.
"And," I gulp, looking at her hand again, ".. If you want to know.. how all of this happened.. I saw Kenshin's picture over a year ago today. I just turned seventeen years old, and I wanted to move on from something bad that happened to me. I wanted to do good. To be good.. to absolve myself of the sin I was born with."
She is quiet, listening to me.
"But then, I stumble across his picture by accident, Kaoru, and I didn't mean for any of this to start! But I was so smitten by his picture, and when I saw his profile on Facebook.. I knew somehow, that I had to meet him. I don't know why or how, but something inside told me to go get him. I wonder if maybe I was just as in love with him back then as I did when he fought me to be with him, in spite of everything. But please, Kaoru, please don't think that I hate you, or that I enjoyed hurting you on purpose. I lived a life full of lies because that was all I learned how to do. And that made me become a person I hated, someone who just lies and sneaks around just to get whatever he wanted. That wasn't me. But.. maybe it was me, but a me that I absolutely hate now. Because it hurt an amazing person.. an amazing woman.. and that's you, Kaoru."
She looks moved and Kenshin finally comes over with all of our hot chocolates and our respective scones. She keeps looking at me as Kenshin situates himself on sitting down again, a chair between me, and her.
"So please, don't apologize, Kaoru," I wince, and Kenshin looks on with concern now, "You have nothing to apologize. It's me. It was all me. I wish I could turn back the hands of time to do everything differently this time. I should have been honest with you all from the start.. about my feelings for Kenshin.."
Silence.
"I.." I look at Kenshin who is now looking at Kaoru, "I'm sorry, too, Kaoru. You are the most important person in my life. You defeat even Sanosuke in that department. You were with me before I even remember how life came to be. You were in my life first, and.. I would die if I lost you. Soujiro here feels the same, too.."
Kaoru looks at him, a certain shine coming onto her gaze. Her eyes float downward towards his hands, ".. I didn't know that you two were suffering so much.."
"You mean the world to us, Kaoru," I help out, leaning in, "And, I promise, once all of this in my life is over and done with.. I'll do everything I can to make your life comfortable."
"Huh?" Kaoru blinks at me and then frowns, "What do you mean by that?"
"Well," Kenshin steps back into the conversation again, "How much has Megumi told you so far?"
"Just that.. well.." Kaoru smiles at the table mutely, "That you two finally came out to the entire school. And that something bad happened between Soujiro and his dad, but she didn't elaborate on what she means by that. And that now you two are here to get away from the presses. Other than that, I am lost as to what happened all this time."
"Kaoru," Kenshin shakes his head slowly, rousing her to look at him curiously again, "I should just come out and say it: Soujiro's dad is doing something illegal that involves children. And he was abusing Soujiro this entire time.. he even chocked him at one point before I made him come with me at my house. He is staying with me and Hiko for now, actually. We are all in danger.. including you, too, probably."
Kaoru blinks and tilts her head, "In danger? But I'm no longer in Kyoto.."
"Doesn't matter. He probably knows of your name by now. Soujiro is controlled by him since the day he was born. It's so messed up, but.. in a way.. you're so much safer here than back in Kyoto."
"Megumi also mentioned a limo," Kaoru shifts in her seat, "What did she mean by that?"
"There was a limo in the scene where Makoto Shishio was killed in. The license plate is traced back to a driver that Soujiro's dad hires to chauffeur him around."
"Are you kidding me?" Kaoru whispers, wrapping her arms around herself and shaking her head.
"No. And that's not at all. We have found illegal content on his laptops. Soujiro has a USB stick of said illegal files on it that we've captured from his laptop. We will bring it to Aoshi soon before he decides to take it to the police, or someone much higher up."
"But why not report it already?"
"If we do too much, too soon.." I finally fill in for her, "He might murder me. Hell, probably all of us. We have to be careful on how we move from here on out."
Kaoru nods, completely stunned by all of this, "That makes sense.. oh, you guys.. I didn't know it was this bad.."
"You deserve to know the truth," Kenshin smiles at her and I smile at her too.
She nods, smiling, "I appreciate it. Thank you, you two."
"So.." I grin at her, "Tell us about your new beau!"
"H-huh?!" Kaoru flinches, a rosy tint fading on her face now. Guess she didn't think I'd suddenly switch the conversation to something more fun, huh?
Even Kenshin had to chuckle and join in on the torture, "Yeah, tell us about Enishi. He's treating you well, right?"
"Is he tall? Handsome? Does he take you out often?" I keep bombarding her with questions, all while Kenshin and I lean in further with a joking leer.
"He's!" She has her hands up, completely flustered now, "He's really good to me! Honest!"
"Well that's good," Kenshin shrugs with a shoulder, "I mean, I know you told me some things about him already, but I needed more details in case I need to look into him later."
Kaoru groans, "Oh, you know what, that really reminds me of what you used to say about Soujiro here!"
"Oh?" I blink at him, "Looking into me, I hear?"
He sneers at me, "Yeah, remember, when I didn't trusted you at all?"
I giggle. Kaoru had to crack a smile eventually once she catches on that we're all just kidding around.
"But to be honest.." She tucks some hair behind her ear shyly, "I've never.. I mean, if it's okay to say this out loud.. I've never been happier with someone than I have been with him. I think.. I really do think I see a future with him, somehow.."
We listen to her carefully, completely involved in this now.
"He sounds nice!" I chirp, "Do you have a picture of him we can look at?"
"Dude!" Kenshin chuckles, "You are way too curious!"
"What? I just want to see how cute he is." I throw my tongue at him, making him balk.
"Hey! Don't look at other guys while I'm right here!" He scoffs.
Kaoru giggles but has her phone out already, pulling up a picture of her and Enishi together out on a date some time ago, "Here he is. Isn't he just dreamy?"
Kenshin tilts his body forward to get a look at the phone screen, before he leans back and jeers, "That's how he wears his hair?"
Kaoru glares at him, "What? It's cool!"
Kenshin smirks at her, "Sorry. I just have high standards for you. You deserve a prince at this point."
I smile as I look at the two of them go back and forth about the guy's look and his personality. They really do make great friends, honestly. It's a shame I was this close from destroying it altogether. I could never forgive myself if I was responsible for that. I'm just glad we could reunite, even when it almost looked impossible at one point.
"Oh, let me show you my new friends! They're mostly from Enishi's school, but I've hung out with him at least a few times already, and they're so sweet!" Kaoru swipes her finger on the phone screen to show pictures of some guys I've never seen before, and even Kenshin looks intrigued by her phone again.
"They do look nice!" Kenshin comments with a nod.
"Yeah.." I sigh, "Kaoru, I'm glad you have new friends, but I can't lie to you. Kyoto is just not the same without you."
Kaoru smiles weakly, "I know. I miss Kyoto and you guys so much.."
"You can visit us every weekend, right? It would be amazing to stay close until we all go to university. You think you'll study in Kyoto, too?" I ask her, and she giggles.
"Gee, Soujiro! I don't know if that's your guilty conscious, or if you actually do like me as your friend!" Kaoru swipes through another photo to show to Kenshin.
...
I freeze. I feel the entire ceiling collapse on top of my head as I see a familiar face within a group photo on that phone now, and I could barely speak or make a sound at all. Kaoru and Kenshin turn to me curiously, and upon seeing the look on my face, they too start to freeze and look incredibly concerned.
"Soujiro.. are you okay?" Kenshin calls out to me gently, outstretching his hand to touch my shoulder.
I don't budge, but I finally manage to sputter out, "K-Kaoru.. When did you take that picture?"
She is stunned for a few seconds, trying to come back to her senses before she blinks it away and mumbles, "I.. Um.. Maybe last week? Why, what's wrong?"
"One of those guys.. did he tell you his name was.. O.."
They both frown at me, genuinely on edge over how I'm behaving right now.
But I finally manage to finish my sentence in between teeth: "Is that fucking creature next to you.. Okita Souji?"
(To be continued.)