Book II: Age of the Pheonix

Chapter XII: The Madness Within

Music Theme: Hey Jude - The Beatles

McKinnon Castle - March 16, 1978...

McKinnon castle was quiet on the March morning as Atticus McKinnon Sr. had sent his wife to stay with her sister following his dismissal from the ministry. He'd been distant since his forced retirement and spent many days to himself, maintaining notes regarding his findings during his last days as an auror. The sounds of the fireplace in the elaborite and warm castle kept him company as he thought of summer plans for his family following his daughter's graduation, hoping that he could reconstruct trust with his wife in the wake of his vigilante endeavors that left a mark on the family's name.

The kitchen elf shuffled in with a tray of tea and some sandwiches then muttered, "Excuse me sir. Your son is here." He looked over his shoulder and saw Angus in the doorway of the grand study.

"Dad?" Angus timidly entered, mildly sweating.

"Son? I thought you were going to spend Paddy's Day weekend with the Prewitts." He waived the kitchen elf away and it scurried off.

"I was. I just needed to come home and tell you something. It's about Gideon."

"Is he alright?"

"He's fine. We've been talking is all. I just... I know your leaving to join Mum for a few weeks, until rumors from the Ministry die down."

"What have you heard?"

"It doesn't matter."

"It does," he motioned his son in more. "It matters to me what you've heard. I don't care what people say about me but I care about what my family thinks. I want to ensure you've not heard any falsehoods."

"Dad, I'd rather you hear what I have to tell you before you ask me to pass judgement on you."

"I see."

"And with you leaving soon, now is the last chance we have to talk."

Mr. McKinnon waived towards the sofa in front of the fireplace and his son took a seat.

"Gid's asked me to move in with him. Permanently."

"Move in?"

"He's got a flat of his own in London. He wants to share it with me."

"Hmmm," Mr. McKinnon paced in front of the fireplace and thought for a moment then shook his head. "No... I'm sorry son. The time of crashing at your friend's house and splitting rents is over. It's time you start laying down roots."

"That's the thing, though. I, um. I'm not exactly meaning we'd be roommates." He froze when his father turned to face him. "I..."

"What exactly are you saying, Angus?" His father had his usual stern tone.

"Dad... Gideon and I. He's more than a friend to me."

Mr. McKinnon stiffened and Angus considered bailing out, but he pressed on. "Ever since our fifth year we realized we meant more to each other than friends. I... care about him dad."

"I see..." He turned and faced to fireplace. "How far has it gone?"

His tone made Angus sweat more. "Do you want me to go into bloody detail?" He asked curtly.

"Don't be vulgar with me, Angus Fingal McKinnon. This is a bit much to take in!"

"I love him, ok!?" Angus snapped and buried his head in his hands, ready for whatever his father would say next but nothing came. "Say something... Dad?"

"What do you want me to say?"

"Anything. The truth would be a good start..."

"Angus. I-" He turned to face his son but caught sight of someone running past the window just outside. "Don't move."

"W-what?" Angus couldn't tell if his heart was racing from the confession or from the alarm of someone outside.

"Outside the window...that was Victor Crabbe." Angus had never met the man before but knew his father had once arrested him for crimes used in the name of the fabled Dark Lord that was rumored to be on the rise. He kept still as his father requested and the man slowly walked towards the desk and picked up his wand. "Angus. I want you to douce the flames in the fireplace and then take the floo to your aunt's house."

"I can't leave like this," he said. "You could be in trouble."

"Have you not burdened me enough tonight?" Mr. McKinnon snapped, causing his son to shrink a bit into himself. "Do as I say."

Suddenly they heard a loud crash and the entire castle shook. A waft of smoke billowed through the halls. "No..." Angus stood and drew his wand. "Fire!"

Mr. McKinnon just grabbed his son's arm. "You'll not chose today to begin disobeying me, Angus! Douce that fireplace and floo out of here. I'll handle the castle." He shoved his son in the direction of the floo before chasing down the smoke to stop the fire from spreading. Angus aimed at the stone fireplace, his heart now pounding as the embers died down. He took one glance back to see a figure in the smoke. Assuming it was Crabbe he turned and aimed.

"Stay where you!"

The silohette grew in the smoke as it moved closer, the castle continued to shake as more fireballs hit it and Angus began to wonder how Crabbe could be in two places at once. It was then he realized that man in front of him was someone else. The figure who emerged was massive, dirty, with a wicked smile across his face. He recognized him from wanted posters in Diagon Alley. It was the murderer, Fenrir Greyback.

"Well hello there," Greyback called. "Who might you be?"

Angus aimed at the giant man and shouted, "Petrificus Totall-," but Greyback merely flicked his wand with ease and sent the boy flying backward. Angus hit the ground winded and sore as his back slammed against the stone floor. When the world stopped spinning, he reached for his wand on the floor beside him but his wrist was pinned under the massive boot of Greyback who'd strolled up to him.

"Agh! Dad!"

"Oh, so you're one of the wee tykes," Fenrir crouched down and grabbed Angus by the neck, yanking him up. "Daddy's putting out a bit of a fire right now, but I'm happy to keep you company." Angus flailed like a cat, trying to kick at the man who held him so high that his feet dangled off the ground.

"Angus!" A shout sounded from Atticus McKinnon who returned at his son's call.

"Dad! Help!" Angus pleaded but Greyback pulled the boy down into a chokehold.

"Well well. Atticus McKinnon Sr," Greyback said, "Finally get to meet you. You no doubt know who I am. I think you saw me in court when I was... wrongfully accused of being a murderous Werewolf. Or so the court said. Now that I get a look at your face, I think you were sitting right next to my good friend Lyall Lupin that day."

"Let my son go."

"Yes, I was just getting aquatinted with your boy. Such a pretty thing." He stroked Angus' sandy hair and pinched his cheek. Angus jerked his head away but Greyback just growled at him and held him tighter as Angus tried squirming free. "Tell me, McKinnon... how old is your boy?"

"If you harm him-"

"Answer me, maggot!" Fenrir said impatiently and shoved his wand into the boy's neck.

When Mr. McKinnon refused to answer, Angus defiantly shouted, "I'm twenty, you old rag doll!"

"Angus, be silent!" Atticus shouted to his son.

"Ah, I knew you were holding out on me, old man." Greyback chuckled "So perfect timing? Bloody brilliant. I came here just to kill you and yet providence has given me an even better method of revenge."

"Let go of me, you bastard! Agh!" He groaned as Fenrir tightened his grip with a laugh.

"Strong lad. Just perfect."

"I'll fight you with my damn fists if I have to!"

"Angus, stop," His father warned. "This doesn't concern the boy, Greyback. Leave him alone. It's me you want!"

"Oh no no no. I don't want you. I just want you dead. And I still intend to get that. But not before telling you exactly what's to become of your spawn. I know you've heard of a werewolf's coming of age. With the moon coming this week, just in time for this boys' last days of his youth, I think this is fate."

"No!" He raced forward wand aimed and Greyback just smiled as a nonverbal curse was cast on young Angus who screamed, clawing at Greyback's arm in pain. Mr. McKinnon halted and shouted, "Please! Don't!"

"I like you begging, McKinnon. Not as strong as you were when you brought your vigilante comrade into my home are you?" He lifted the curse from Angus who limply hung in the man's arm panting for air. "You just had to make history before retiring, didn't you? You thought you would play God and decimate my home? MY home?! Filled with MY children?! Well you reap what you sew, McKinnon."

Just then there was a large crash against the castle as a fireball struck it from the outside and Mr. McKinnon knew it was Crabbe and his friends beginning the demolition of the castle.

"Dad?" Angus whispered weakly. "What's he talking about?"

"So your boy doesn't know of our past? Well it's not important. As long as he knows that I'M his future!"

"Let him go!"

"Oh no. He's coming with me. This week's full moon is going to be a doozy and your little brat is going to get to experience every single bit of it." Greyback started pulling the boy towards the door and aimed at Mr. McKinnon, "Avada K- ooof!" His spell was stopped when Angus head-butted him in the mouth and both stumbled back to the ground. "Why you pesky little shit," Greyback growled and swipped at Angus who crawled away from him. Atticus McKinnon ran towards them and tackled Greyback, landing a single punch on the criminal before receiveing a blow himself and flying backward. Greyback stood and towered over the sire of McKinnon castle and aimed at him, wiping the blood from his lip with his other hand then licking it. The castle shook and a bit of it's stonework fell from the ceilings, making the iron chandelier give way and fall, crashing atop Greyback and trapping him.

Mr. McKinnon spared no time in getting up, running towards his son and helping him. "You ok?" He inspected him while pulling him towards the floo.

"Dad, the castle-"

"It's a bunch of stone, Angus. You're more important. I have to get you out of here," they both began coughing as the smoke filled the room and flames flew through the ancient stained glass windows.

"Run coward!" Greyback said as he pushed the chandelier off of him. "Even if your boy gets away. You've got another kid out there and I know right where to find her don't I? Should be in her last year of that pathetic alma matter of yours, isn't she?"

Atticus McKinnon froze. He looked at his son in the eye. Angus shouted, "Dad, no!"

"I can't let him get away, Angus. He'll go after your sister."

"He's toying with you. Let's both get out of here. We can go get Marley together."

"You get to your mother's and make sure she's ok. I'll handle Greyback."

"Dad, he's too strong!" Angus started choking on the smoke as Greyback stood and charged towards them.

Mr. McKinnon shoved Angus in and grabbed the floo powder.

"Dad!" Angus tried to crawl out but his father just shoved him back harshly, throwing in the powder and announcing the first location he could think of just as Greyback appeared. Angus did not hear it over Greyback's malicious laugh though. Mr. McKinnon was not fast or strong enough to match Greyback. The final thing Angus saw over the green flames was Fenrir Greyback hoisting his father into the air and ripping his throat out with his teeth.

McKinnon Castle - January 6, 1980...

"Next thing I knew, I was at the Potter Estate. Mum and Dad had always been close with the Potters. James' mum was the only one home. I told her what happened after an hour of just sitting in her sitting room shaking like a bloody child. That woman really was a saint. She never said a word to anyone, even after I showed up on their doorstep for The Order. I assume she told Fleamont bits of it, but he kept silent too. I got to Mum. Told her what happened. Atticus Óg went to fetch Marley at school. I never spoke of it again. The worst bit of it all is that all this time I thought I watched Dad die. I thought it was quick for him. But when I realized I couldn't see thestrals that's when I knew... he suffered and died there alone while I ran off like a coward.

The room was silent after Angus' retelling of the night. He'd said mostly everything, except the bit about his confession to this father regarding Gideon.

"If I had just stayed with Gideon and Fabe that night, it wouldn't have happened. He wouldn't have been distracted trying to save me. He would have gotten away in time. He'd still be here. It was my last few weeks of being 20 but the next moon was only a couple days away. Fenrir was going to turn me the day before my 21st birthday to ensure I still had a full moon while I was still 20. Apparently being a werewolf by 20-years-old makes you a dangerous one. That mixed with our family history of Druid magic would have made me pretty powerful and I'd have been under his control."

"Attie knew? This whole time?" Marvin asked, referring to their eldest brother by his nickname.

"Why do you think he's been gone since the bloody funeral? He couldn't bare to look at me."

"You don't know if that's true," Gideon suggested. "Everyone grieves in different ways."

"Then where the hell is he?" Angus snapped, "I knew if I spoke up about it, people would ask why Greyback had a vendetta against Dad. The truth of his attack on the werewolf colony would come out. By the time Greyback ranted about it at Malfoy Manor, I was already too far gone from the truth. Revealing what I knew then, I worried I would hurt everyone. I also was ashamed. I should have saved him that night. I should have pulled him into that floo with me!"

"Yes," Marlene said, finally speaking up, "You should have." She pushed herself from her seat and left the room without looking back.

"Angus," Marvin said softly, "Give her time. You know she doesn't allow people to see her cry."

"No. She's right to hate me."

"She doesn't hate you, mate. This is all just overwhelming," Fabian said. "Maybe I should go talk to her."

Gideon nodded and Fabian took a breath of confidence as he stood and followed Marlene to console her.

The three remaining sat there silently, Marvin staring at the floor in front of the fireplace as he thought of how many times he'd warmed himself on the very spot his father was killed. Finally he said, "Why were you here that night? You said it was because you wanted to speak to Dad about something. What was it?"

"You know what it was..." Angus said. "How you found out is beyond me though."

Marvin looked between Angus and Gideon and said, "Fabian and Longbottom are my best mates. Around my last year at school I started wondering if I was a bad friend because we all didn't seem as close as you two did. Then I realized the only relationship in my life that looked the same as your bond with each other wasn't my friendships... it was more like my relationship with Narcissa."

"Narcissa?" Gideon blinked.

"Aye, I loved her something fierce for a time. I fell fast for that girl third year. Once you've known that kind of connection, you recognize it in other people. I saw it the way that Frank always looked at Alice. I saw it between Andromeda and Ted. And I saw it between you two starting around your fifth year. So tell me. Are my instincts wrong?"

"No," Angus finally admitted. "You're not wrong. I came here that night to tell Dad."

"And?" Marvin leaned forward in his seat with eagerness and hope.

"And he said... 'Haven't you burdened me enough?'"

Gideon reached over and rest his hand on Angus' arm. "Knowledge is a burden sometimes, mate. Doesn't mean he didn't approve or still love you. He saved your life because of how much he cared for you."

"Maybe. I guess we will never know now if he would have approved of us. We'll never know why he went to that colony and did what he did. We'll never know a lot of his secrets. Maybe that's our family's curse. We keep secrets from the ones we care about the most."

"Aye," Marvin whispered to himself and looked out the door. He started at the distant image of Marlene outside as Fabian tried to speak with her. "Aye, maybe it is."

Meanwhile at the Safe House...

Peter and Lily were finishing the dishes together in silence, the tension still very present from their earlier conversation. Both were lost in thought so much that they hardly heard the floo crackle in the other room. Peter was the first to hear footsteps approach and when he turned around, he stifled a gasp. "Moony!"

Lily dropped the dish in the in her hand and Kip, who was levitating the clean dishes away, snapped his fingers to stop it from crashing. "Masters Lupins! Masters Potter!"

Both Remus and James stood there, the latter hanging on tightly to his friend who looked just as bad a sight as his friend. Kip lowered the dishes carefully then scurried over and wrapped both in a hug. "Kips was thinkings his friends was gone!"

"No, Kip," James said, patting the elf softly on the head. "We don't leave friends behind in this house. Right Moony?" He looked at Remus who just nodded softly.

Lily just pulled out a chair from the breakfast table, still not speaking, and motioned for Remus to help James sit down while Kip brought a pot of tea over for the boys to help warm them up. The room was dead silent, Lily bit down on her lip to keep herself silent and James knew why. She was either holding back tears or a verbal thrashing. He wasn't sure which he preferred at this moment. Remus shoved his hands in his pockets and glanced over to Peter who just looked at him, bewildered, like an animal in a zoo. "Well?" Remus finally grunted.

"You... you ok, Moony?" Peter asked nervously.

"I'll live," he said back then looked to James.

James watched as his wife kneeled and unbuttoned his shirt to ensure the wounds on his chest had not reopened. Some had and she inhaled sharply when seeing them. "I know," he sighed. "I didn't follow the doctor's orders."

"No, you didn't." She sharply replied.

"Well maybe if my wife hadn't run off-" he started but Lily reached up and gently held his chin to stop him from speaking.

"I would think long and hard before you release any further syllables from that mouth of yours, Potter. You were supposed to stay here. You needed to heal. You tricked Tabitha and came after us. You were reckless and stupid and-"

"Time-out," James whispered. They both stared at each other silently until Lily nodded and pulled James' face gently forward and planted a kiss on him.

"Time-out?" Peter looked confused.

James finished kissing his wife then pulled away. "When Lily and I first started dating, we found our verbal sparrings were getting in the way of some pretty decent snogging." He chuckled, "So whenever we were fighting, one of us could call a time-out to ensure we didn't miss the opportunity to remind each other that despite our stubbornness and bickering," he tucked her red hair behind her ear, "We still love each other."

"Still never stopped testing my patience though, Potter," she sighed then went back to addressing his wounds. "And don't forget when I'm good and ready you'll receive the verbal thrashing of a lifetime."

"I eagerly look forward to it, Mrs. Potter."

"Remus?" Lily looked over her shoulder, "Thank you for bringing him home. Are you ok?"

"Where were you?" Peter added.

"I'm fine for now, Lily," Remus replied not wanting to answer Peter. "I'm sorry I caused all of this."

"You caused this?" Lily says, "Funny. I don't remember you dragging James out of bed and forcing him to go to the Ministry when he was supposed to stay here."

"He wouldn't' have been in bed at all if it weren't for me," Remus bristled at the memories of the other night. James winced as Lily started to clean his wound. Remus paled at the sight. "Didn't realize I get that big," He nodded to the slashes of claw marks across James' chest.

"Remus," Lily said realizing the sight may overwhelm him, "Can you let Tabitha know you and James are back? She's outside. Peter, if you'll do the same for Sirius. I think he's upstairs."

"Of course, Lily." Peter tried to exit but stopped in front of Remus, seeming a bit more afraid of him than before. He just pat his friend on the arm and said, "Chin up, mate." Then scurried up the steps.

When Remus left and only Lily, James and Kip remained, James spoke up and said, "Remus is worse than last time... with Snape? Back then he was just mad at Sirius for a vicious prank. We all were. Now he feels guilty. It's like he thinks he actually tried to kill me."

"Give him time, James."

"I'm worried we don't have time. Something else too. When Madeye brought him to the office, he acted so cold."

"Cold? To you?"

"No, to Madeye. Did something happen between them that I don't know?"

"Not that I know of," she said taking some clean bandages from James and wrapping his chest.

James just watched her carefully before speaking up and saying, "I saw Snape."

"We all did," she said sourly.

"After," He said and Lily stopped and looked at him. He continued, "He came into Madeye's office. He threatened me. He said we were even and next time he wouldn't hold back." Lily finished wrapping his chest and he took her hand. "Lily. If he touches you again... If I think he's going to take you away. I'm going to do what I must to protect you. Do you understand?" She nodded softly. "Good." He pulled her close and said, "I'm sorry I was stupid. If Madeye hadn't shown up..."

"But he did. And Remus did. He got you home."

"I never want to see you being pulled away from me again."

"Don't worry, Mr. Potter. I don't plan on it anytime soon." She kissed his forehead and then said, "Let's get you cleaned up and back in bed."

Suddenly they both heard feet hit the floor upstairs and start running down the hall then down the steps and James smirked. "Sounds like Padfoot knows I'm home."

The Home of Benjy Fenwick...

"Frank?" Alice called up the steps as she raced up them in Benjy's home.

"Easy lady," Frank said as he rushed out of the upstairs sitting room and met her at the top of the steps. "Where's the fire? You ok?"

"I'm fine. Madeye told me you were here. He also told me you were followed?"

"He's overreacting."

"You wouldn't say that if you heard about the work day I had."

He nodded her into the room and she slunk into the armchair. Benjy had an old fashioned sense of style, with antique furniture in his home. It didn't do much for comfort for a woman already perpetually in discomfort from pregnancy, but she was so exhausted from her day that it sufficed. Frank shut the door and took a seat across from her, patting his lap for her to lift her feet on them and she did. He slid off her shoes and massaged her feet gently and asked, "Does Benjy know you're here?"

"He was snoring away downstairs. Some job of guarding you, he's doing."

"I told him to rest. So what happened at work?"

"It's a long story I'll unpack later, but you should know Lupin is back with Potter's faction... for now."

"For now?"

"He didn't seem right. James shared some things with me. I think Remus may be loosing faith in himself a bit." She lifted her head and looked him in the eye, "But I want to hear about how you've been getting followed. You're normally so intuitive to that sort of thing."

"I am. I was aware."

She pulled her feet away and sat upright, "You knew you were being followed and didn't tell me? This is a war that's being waged, Franklin!"

Frank picked up his wand from the table and aimed it towards the tea trey. He levitated it over and it began to pour them each a cup. "This is personal. It was Lestrange following me. Then suddenly he stopped."

"Darling. He's mental. He could have killed you."

"I'm fine, Alice. He's gone now. I still think the extra caution is unwarranted, but maybe for your sake and the baby's we keep your pregnancy a secret."

"You said it's personal?" Alice asked as she lifted the teacup to her lips. "What did you do to Lestrange?"

"Not with the Lestrange family. With the Blacks. You remember I told you my grandfather and Sirius' great-Uncle were best friends."

"Well why would that matter? I see it ruffling some feathers in that stupid household, but nothing more."

"There was something more. Dad always told me Old Regulus Black was hanging around the house with Grandpa Gareth when he was growing up then the old man vanished for years. He reappeared and rekindled their friendship right after I was born. Would have been in '59. Same year he passed away."

"So? Why would that make the Black's hate you?"

"Because even though he didn't know me long, Old Reggie Black... was my godfather."

Back at the Safe House...

Tabitha sat outside on the stone wall with her eyes shut and listened to the sounds of the highlands, trying to ease her nerves as the day got later and later. She opened her eyes when she heard the clink of a glass hitting the wall beside her. Looking beside her, she saw an empty potion bottle she recognized as the one she'd given Remus with the wolfsbane potion.

"Didn't work." She heard his voice and turned to see him standing on the other side of the wall, disheveled and exhausted.

"Remus," she gasped and swung her legs around the wall to climb onto his side. Remus took a step back but she just moved forward to wrapped him in a hug. He resisted hugging her back, but eventually caved and embraced her timidly. "We've been so worried."

"For James? Me too."

"For you both," she said. "I'm so sorry, Rem. I was so sure that potion would work."

"Don't blame yourself for what I did, Tabs." He pulled back and looked down at her.

"I thought you'd left us," She caressed his face, stroking his scar with her thumb as if she could brush away the burden they brought. She leaned forward to kiss him and he turned his face, allowing a kiss on his cheek only. Tabitha pulled away surprised.

"I brought James home safely."

"He's here? How did you find him?"

"Dumbledore spun a tale for me. He said James was arrested under suspicion of being a Werewolf."

"No, he went after Lily and Peter while they were on a mission and got caught. He turned himself in to keep Barty's friends from following her."

"I know that now." He scoffed. "Leave it to Dumbledore to know how to pull me out of hiding. But it did the trick. I liberated James from the Ministry and brought him home so Lily can keep mending the damage I caused to him."

"He's going to be ok, Rem."

"I almost killed him, Tabitha."

"He was injurred, nothing more."

They both looked up when they heard the door open and Sirius moved outside, "Delaney? James is-" he froze when he saw Remus. "Moony... you're-"

"Still alive?" Remus asked, "Surprisingly."

"What is it, Black?" She asked sourly, annoyed he was barging in right now.

"James is back. Lily wants to know where you put her potion kit."

"Is James ok, Padfoot?" Remus asked.

"You know he is, Rem," Tabitha said.

"I was asking, Sirius."

Tabitha couldn't help but notice how Remus' hand was squeezing her hand tightly as he stared daggers at Sirius.

"He will be ok."

"No thanks to you," Remus said.

"What does that mean?"

"Tabs, go help Lils with her potions," Remus said.

"Yea and try to make one that works this time, Delaney."

"Don't you dare blame this on her!" Remus snapped.

"I wasn't! Just trying to defuse the tension."

"Is that all you do? You just defuse the situation instead of doing what needs to be done to end it?"

"Remus. Black. Can you both get a grip?" Tabitha asked and Remus turned to look at her finally since Sirius came outside.

"Go inside." He pecked her cheek to try to make sure she knew he wasn't cross with her then let go. She shot a sour look towards Sirius then shoved past him.

"You can't seriously be pissed that you're alive right now," Sirius said once he and Remus were alone.

"You made me a promise, Sirius."

"And look what it would have lead to!" He snapped. "You'd be dead, James would still be in bed injurred and I would have murdered you for nothing."

"I have to be able to trust you."

"You can. Blimey, will you be holding that stupid night with Snape over me the rest of my life?"

"You heard what Peter said the other day. He said we have a traitor amongst us. We need to know we can trust each other."

"Would a traitor search the entire forbidden forrest for you? The only one who has earned any trust these days is me. I haven't lied about a damn thing, Moony. I've stood by silently and watched everything around me changed, allowing it all, but never speaking my mind because I knew I could only speak the truth."

"Secrets are just lies disguised as chivalry. Take it from someone who knows."

"Ok. Fine. You want the truth? I thought you were going to kill James. I did. That's why I cut my hand. You know I've always thrived on self-preservation. It's what all of us Blacks do. So I thought if the the furball smelled my blood, got fixated on me, then maybe you'd try to killl me and survival instincts would kick in and make things easier. But I guess we will never really know if I could have done it in the end will we, because we found a way to save James and let you outlast the moon."

"I had a dream that I killed all of you, ya know? I dreamed that I held Tabitha's dying body in my arms with everyone dead at my feet."

"Your dreams aren't prophetic like Delaney's are."

"What if they are? Tabs' potion didn't work because my monster is too strong. Why do you keep insisting it isn't?"

"It's just a growing boy, like you. Maybe stop having so much calcium stunt it's growth."

"Cut the jokes, Padfoot. This isn't just strength. I wanted blood the other night. I want more than blood. I found myself craving-" He shivered and forced it out, "The wolf wants flesh, in any way he can get it. I think about what Greyback does to people. He carved is fucking initial into her arm." Now Sirius tensed. Remus rarely swore. He was growing towards his breaking point as he went on. "I can't smell her damn hair without something inside me wanting to... to go too far. And it wasn't just the beast that smelled James' blood the other night. I smelled it too. I wanted it! Why do you think I'm not a threat? Why do you think you can save me?"

"Because I care about you!" Sirius shouted back. He stood as tall as he could to try and match Remus' eyeline. "Because I swore a vow to you the night we discovered your secret. I swore an oath that the four of us were brothers and we would never leave anyone behind. Do you have any idea how hard it was to leave you the other night and go back only to find you'd run away from us?" Remus doesn't reply. "Say something, for Godric's sake! I can't deal with this passive aggressive shit anymore, Remus."

"Just because you throw a temper tanrum when you're upset doesn't mean I'll resort to it."

"Well maybe you should!" Sirius ran his fingers through his hair. "Sometimes I think what we all need is a good old-fashioned row to get the tension out. Merlin knows it worked for Delaney and I."

"What? What do you mean?"

Sirius turned to face him with a concentrated stare. "I told her she'd fucked up. I said it was her fault you were gone. I said she shouldn't think she knows you better just because she manipulated her way into your trousers."

"Why you-" Remus lunged forward and grabbed Sirius by the collar, the anger of the week filling his eyes. Sirius stood still and waited but no punch came. Remus, shaking, finally shoved Sirius away.

"You should have hit me..." Sirius grumbled. Remus refused to face him and Sirius raised his voice, "Did it ever occur to you that the reason the beast gets so intense every month is because you keep allowing things to well up inside you only for them to finally break free all in one night?" Remus didn't answer. "For God's sake, Moony. Hit me! I just called your girlfriend a damn tramp. I said it to her face. You're not going to defend her because you're too afraid of yourself?"

"Shut up."

"If you refuse to face the monster now, Remus, then you'll be forced to deal with him when the moon comes. Trust me. I grew up in a household that bottled it all up and every time my father drank, all his aggression would come out. I wanted to push everyone away too, but there were three boys at school that couldn't mind their own business and kept insisting I be myself. That plus a little Led Zeppiln showed me that I don't have to be so angry all the time. Neither do you."

Remus stayed quiet and Sirius just shook his head. He walked over and pulled a candy bar out of his pocket and set it on the stone wall beside Remus. "It's a bit melted, but I kept it with me for when we found you. Maybe you'll be in a better mood when you finish it. I'll be inside." Sirius began to depart but stopped and lowered his voice. "I told you once that your heart is where you truly live. No beast can change that. When you give yourself to someone though, the way you gave yourself to Delaney, you expose it. It's prone to damage by all the monsters we face in this world. But to pull back and burry that heart of yours inside is depriving the world of..." he took a breath, "Of one of the greatest lads I've ever known. I can't be my best self without you Remus. None of us can. You're the heart in all of this. If you fall away, there's no hope for any of us. Come back... please."

Remus heard his footsteps walk away and glanced down at the chocolate bar. He sat on the wall and began to unwrap it. Something about it seemed less satisfying than it used to. He was craving something else, something stronger, but couldn't put his finger on what. He continued to eat as the chocolate refused to work it's normal magic. Finally he realized what he was craving. He, or at least the beast within, wouldn't be satisfied without blood. Now that he'd tasted it, nothing seemed to satisfy, and the thought terrified Remus. He chucked the chocolate away from him and took some breaths, wondering why he ever let himself come back here and endanger his friends.

"And anytime you feel the pain, hey Jude, refrain, Don't carry the world upon your shoulders.

For well you know that it's a fool who plays it cool By making his world a little colder."

~ Hey Jude - The Beetles