Chapter CXIV

Grieving the Loss

Naruto couldn't find sleep. The shining sun in the blue sky was high and blinding. Yet, falling asleep was impossible. Earlier, he had poisoned his precious Kakashi, allowing him to join the land of dreams. It was only then that he had placed Kakashi's head on his lap. He watched over Kakashi, protected him. With a caring hand, he caressed with great caution the silver and mutilated hair, for fear of tearing out the last strands. His vision was blurred because of the water in his eyes; the tears hadn't left them since they had seen this massacre.

Naruto didn't understand how such a thing had happened. Why had Kakashi suddenly lost most of his magnificent hair, which overwhelmed his sapphire eyes with its absolute beauty? He always paid attention to Kakashi's hair when he took care of it. His saliva erased every trace of illness, weakness, and dirt; at that, it invigorated it, solidified it, and acted as an incomparable natural oil. Its shine and softness demonstrated the meticulousness of his perfect work. Nothing foreshadowed its premature loss… It was simply impossible. Kakashi's ever-young skin was not tainted by old age.

Naruto refused to believe that Kakashi had cut it off…

Alas, in his useless denial, he knew that Kakashi's gesture had been intentional.

Naruto saw black, only black; his broken heart blinded his reason. Even Kakashi, his light, could not soothe his tears in response to this cruel destruction. The darkness had dragged him into despair. He had sunk so low that Kakashi could not reach him to get him out of there. His brain replayed the last hours too often on a loop.

- XxX -

Since Kakashi had to go to the water room, Naruto waited patiently for his return. He examined the bookshelf, in which there were many books. Despite Kakashi's obvious interest in "naughty" books, these were limited to only one series, that of Make-Out—a series, which, moreover, Kakashi read on a loop, as if Kakashi was obsessed with it. Aside from those books neatly arranged on the headboard, the others touched on all sorts of subjects. Kakashi's tastes were visibly varied when it came to books … and Naruto found them rather boring, especially after reading the description on the back cover. Nothing interested him, even if it was Kakashi who offered him a book.

Make-Out Violence was the only book he had read in its entirety. He had finished it behind Kakashi's back since Kakashi had forbidden him to. He only had about ten pages left. At that point, he wanted to finish it. This book awakened desires in him. His cheekbones heated and his stomach boiled with desire. Sometimes, he touched himself, either while Kakashi slept, or in the water room when Kakashi was up. He would be mortified with shame if Kakashi learned that he sometimes fantasized about these … scenes. And of course, he did not fantasize while thinking about the characters in this book that Naruto found boring and uninteresting. Often, he hesitated to read the other two books in the series … but he feared that his lewd thoughts would become even more recurrent.

Naruto heard the marbles, indicating that Kakashi was back. He smiled, eager to groom Kakashi's magnificent hair…

But his heart sank into the depths of the earth; his smile, like his joy, vanished immediately. His stunned eyes looked at the top of Kakashi's skull, on which his magnificent hair must have been. For a moment, a long moment, an eternity even, he stared at what he refused to believe. No… His eyes were lying to him; it was an illusion, yes, an illusion. Instinctively, he disrupted the harmonious balance of his chakra in his chakra network… But, no matter how many times he did it, nothing changed.

Unable to accept the odious lie told by his eyes, Naruto inspected them with his fingertips. He expected to break this nasty spell the moment his fingers touched the locks … but nothing changed. Their length did not grow back. Before him was indeed a massacre—a massacre worthy of genocide. His eyes filled with tears as he fully realized it. Kakashi's beautiful hair had fallen out… Yet he took such good care of it…

From then on, the agonizing pain in his heart never left him… And said pain that burned his chest intensified when he found the precious silver locks condemned to die and wither. These were thrown away like unwanted waste, as if they were unimportant. Like a flower, Kakashi was losing his petals, and Naruto had found these said sacred and precious petals. Uselessly, he wondered if he could replant them on Kakashi's skull and thus, save them…

The blond choked when Kakashi ordered him to get rid of it. It sadly confirmed his suspicions that Kakashi had cut it off. It was a slap in the face, a stab in the gut. He cherished that hair more than anything in the world. As such, he refused to throw it away … but he couldn't refuse Kakashi anything… He was faced with an impossible dilemma, and such a choice tore him in two.

Although tears were streaming down his flooded cheeks, Naruto found a compromise. He got his hands on some small rubber bands stored in a cabinet. Sitting on the cold tiles of the water room, he carefully hurried to gather many strands that he welded together using the rubber bands. He made five identical ornaments of equal length. There was a rubber band in the centre and two others below and above. Sadly, he couldn't rescue them all.

Reluctantly, he had to deceive Kakashi, who inevitably expected to see the hair again in the trash container. He released a tear of farewell before condemning the remaining locks. He grabbed a few white sheets to crumple them. Then, he put them in the trash, clumsily hiding the obvious lack of hair. Nevertheless, Naruto knew Kakashi. Kakashi was a neat human and obsessed with cleaning; Kakashi would not rummage through it by plunging his hands; it wasn't in Kakashi's nature to get his hands dirty.

While Kakashi chatted with Sakura, Naruto returned to the nest to protect his rare ornaments. He pulled the mattress and straddled the tip of his claw in a small crack. The floor mutilated by his wild nails completely obscured the means of access to his small treasure chest. Naruto slowly removed the small wooden board and revealed its wonders to the eyes of a lonely world.

Inside this small space was the glass ornament that Kakashi had given him during their time spent in this terrifying building, during Kakashi's prolonged convalescence. The square of white fabric that was so soft to the touch was there, stolen recently when Kakashi had been absent in the water room. Carefully wrapped in a white cloth in order to preserve it, a blue-purplish flower was also there. Kakashi had only allowed him two … but by escaping Kakashi's surveillance, Naruto had taken a third that he had hidden in his clothes; it had just been stronger than him. And finally, there was a container containing aromatic herbs that gave the aqueous matter an exquisite taste and this greenish colour. For fear of running out, he had made a reserve just in case.

Unfortunately, Naruto didn't have time to linger over his little treasures. Kakashi threatened to return at any moment. Sure, he trusted his precious Kakashi blindly, but his hiding place was his little secret and his alone. He put away the ornaments made from the silver locks before carefully putting the wooden board back. By putting the mattress back in its place, his secret continued to live on.

- XxX -

Naruto sniffled and tears fell again despite himself. He thought back to those locks that he missed so much. His wet eyes sadly contemplated what was left on Kakashi's head. He stroked them with his trembling fingers. It was no longer the same; it was different, too different…

Then, Kakashi's words resurrected in his distraught mind.

He didn't understand. Everything was going so well. He was completing Kakashi's exercises and making Kakashi proud. In fact, Naruto was enjoying it. Something resonated in him, as if it was the reason why he existed; the purpose of his existence made sense during these moments that, in a disturbing paradox, were familiar and new. A voice deep in his soul impatiently awaited the next step, the next exercises so intriguing and captivating; An exhilarating fire ignited in his heart, a rush of adrenaline electrified his veins. Somehow, Naruto accepted that this wasn't the first time he and Kakashi had engaged in this kind of activity.

Sometimes, abstract images would blind his eyes for a breath; it would greatly destabilize him, although he would hide it so as not to worry Kakashi. These shapes were blurry, happening with a ghostly voice that haunted his innocent ears. His heart would race, become painful like a pinch; an icy shiver would slide down his spine, whipping him. These ephemeral hallucinations, appearing like flashes of light, would momentarily cut off his breathing. During these flashes, Naruto sometimes had the impression of seeing a mirage that bore the appearance of Kakashi—a mirage that looked at him with benevolence.

However, it was only the product of his overexcited brain … at least, he convinced himself of that. It was not real … despite this strange feeling in his heart when his eyes were prey to these inexplicable phenomena.

Shaking his head, Naruto locked all these things away in a corner of his mind—more precisely, in his Pandora's box, in which darkness, evil, and suffering were locked away… But his sealed box was leaking. Ever since that human had tried to open it, the padlock that was supposed to contain misfortunes was no longer as effective as before; it was growing weaker and more fragile over time. He no longer remembered how to reforge the locks that this human had broken … nor did he remember what he did to create them. As with the darkness lurking in his guts, only one last bulwark held back, again and again, the demons that wanted to corrupt him and plunge him into an agony worse than death. Alas, shadows found cracks to escape from. The teenager had to relentlessly fight against them.

Every day, he had to push them back.

Every day, he had to cage this darkness.

Every day, his psyche weakened more.

The blond licked Kakashi's forehead, on which he placed his own to connect to him. Even if Kakashi was asleep, it was as if Kakashi was awake next to him. His eyes contemplated Kakashi's despite the eyelids that covered them. A fleeting wish crossed his mind. He wanted more than anything in the world to see this face veiled in mystery. When would Naruto finally be worthy of Kakashi? What did Naruto have to do to deserve this ultimate privilege that no other possessed? He let out a sigh as his thumbs tenderly caressed Kakashi's cheeks. He fought not to tear this piece of fabric away forever.

Naruto drifted back into his thoughts and remembered that Kakashi wanted him and Kakashi to fight each other. The blond refused, refused, and refused. How could he protect Kakashi if Kakashi asked him to hurt him, asking him to become his executioner? No, he could not accept this request. He had submitted himself completely to Kakashi—a hope that Kakashi would give up on this idea. His heart had broken and was breaking further when he had disappointed the human precious to him.

Certainly, Kakashi's body was much more resistant and powerful than those of other humans, but Naruto was much more powerful than him. What if he could not control his strength? What if he were to accidentally break one of Kakashi's bones? What if he tore his flesh, inking more scars that Kakashi could no longer bear to have? He could never forgive himself. He had promised himself that he would preserve Kakashi's beauty and never again defile it with his claws. It went against his promise, even if a part of him was excited by the idea of fighting. Naruto was torn by his conflicting thoughts.

Suddenly, Naruto gasped and shyly brushed Kakashi's locks. Was it to punish him that Kakashi had mutilated his hair? Was it a punishment for not complying with his request to fight? Everything was clear now. His precious Kakashi had mutilated his beautiful hair to express his anger at his refusal to comply with his request. He didn't know why Kakashi had been so vile and cruel, but Naruto didn't care. He could only accept it. All he cared about now was earning Kakashi's forgiveness. He must never disappoint Kakashi again.

It would be difficult, painful even. Naruto had to make Kakashi proud, no matter the way, no matter the risks of breaking his promise. Naruto would have to be extremely careful. All it took was for him to get carried away a bit too much to cause an unforgivable mistake…

Naruto grabbed Kakashi's lifeless hand and brought it to his heart. Determined, he dried his tears. He didn't have the luxury of futilely crying over this hair that—as Kakashi had told him hundreds of times—would grow back. After all, his had grown strangely long since he had escaped from this cage of misfortune where only suffering and fear existed.

If he fought Kakashi, maybe Kakashi would finally appreciate him enough to show his face, this part of him. He couldn't know … but he clung to this hope that gave him courage.

Naruto would fight Kakashi, and he would do so without breaking his promise.