Originally shared May 27, 2024.
"In today's shocking top story, humans have officially become an endangered species for the first time in history. The population has been declining dramatically since 2019, and as of today, only 3.9 billion humans remain on the planet, as opposed to 8 billion. Sources say that a ruthless demon assassin organization from Hell called I.M.P, short for Immediate Murder Professionals, is responsible for the decline in human population. Several attempts were made to stop the assassins from Hell, but were unsuccessful. The demons are still killing humans to this day. At this rate, humans will become extinct within the next 3 years. All I can say is we humans won't have a chance in Hell."
Blitzo turned off the news report that he, Moxxie, Millie, and Loona were watching on the television. A smug grin crossed his face as he chuckled cruelly. "Well, guys, looks like our work has really paid off."
"Yeah! You said it, Blitz!" Millie exclaimed with agreement, "That'll show those humans for being humans! I f***in' love being an evil assassin!"
"Yeah! You know, today has to be the third time this f***in' week we turned down that 'Charlie' bitch's offer to stay at her hotel to redeem ourselves." said Blitzo.
"I thought hotels were supposed to be for vacation and tourists, and that kind of sh*t," Loona said, looking down at her phone.
"Ha! I know, right?" said Blitzo.
"Well, at least we can now look forward to raising our baby, right, Millie?" said Moxxie.
"That's right, Moxxie!" Millie agreed with glee as she hugged her husband. "Soon, our little Max will be just like us! A cold-blooded murderer with his heart against those miserable humans! He'll be killing humans in the name of Satan like we do!" She then gave Moxxie a big, wet kiss.
"Yeah, f*** humans!" Blitzo agreed, still grinning smugly. "Who needs 'em?! Demons are the superior species. The only good human is a dead human, or a human turned into a demon after death, especially since they have no choice but to worship Satan."
"Well, Millie, shall we go check on our little bundle of evil?" said Moxxie.
"Oh yes, Moxxie!" Millie shouted, as she and Moxxie made their way to the room where their baby son, Max Knolastname, was.
They were anticipating on teaching him the ways of death, murder, violence, and worshipping the devil, like how all demon parents raise their children.
However, once Moxxie and Millie got to Max's crib, what they saw horrified them.
Their little demon baby had been butchered to pieces and was lying dead in a bloody heap. His head was severed, his torso was ripped apart, and all four of his limbs were chopped off. Even his onesie was in pieces.
"OH, F***! MAX!" Moxxie screamed.
Millie bawled hysterically as she picked up the remains of her butchered baby, and held them up to her cheek. "Oh, Max, no!"
Blitzo and Loona, hearing Millie's wailing, ran into the room.
"Millie, Moxxie, what's with all the f***ing screaming-" Blitzo said, before he saw Millie holding the mangled corpse of Max. "WHAT THE F***?!"
"Our baby's f***ing dead!" Millie bawled.
"Who the f*** could have done this?!" Blitzo yelled with rage.
At that moment, Moxxie noticed a tape recorder lying in the blood-stained crib. He picked it up and looked at it.
"A tape recorder?" he said.
"They still use those things?" Blitzo said.
Still grieving over the loss of Max, Moxxie pressed the play button on the tape recorder. The members of I.M.P listened closely. The voice of a woman sounded through the speaker. It sounded angry, hate-filled, and close to tears.
"Hello, I.M.P. You may not know who I am, but I could never forget what you did. You took my boy Eddie away from me. I miss him everyday, and you don't even care! You never cared about humans, just because we're a different species! If killing my son wasn't bad enough, you kept killing everyone else in my neighborhood! I was scared for my own life! I knew something had to be done. I wanted to find a way to ruin your lives. So, I went to a local science lab that conveniently had a portal to Hell and I immediately found your place. You ruined my family, so now I ruined yours. Now you know how it feels. I guess you could say, your kid died for free! TAKE THAT, DEMONS!"
And with that, the message ended. An immense fusion of shock and hatred had been building up inside every member of I.M.P throughout the message. The first thing Blitzo did was scream up to the ceiling.
"HUMAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAANS! Those f***ing sh*theads! They f***ing ruin everything! I hate humans! I f***ing hate them!"
"Yeah!" Millie agreed, still crying and furious. "We could've had a little assassin on our team, and they f***ing took that away from us! Those f***ing humans aren't good for anything!"
"Damn right, they're not! Those f***ers have gone too far this time! Every last one of those miserable f***ing scumbags needs to die!" Blitzo snapped.
"But we can't just kill them all. What about our contract?" Loona said.
"F*** our contract!" Blitzo snapped. "In fact, f*** this business! We're f***ing closing it! This time, it's f***ing personal! I've got just the thing to deal with those f***ing humans once and for all. Follow me."
The pissed-off demon led the other demons out of the room. He opened a drawer, and rummaged through it.
"Damn it, it's gotta be in here somewhere."
Blitzo accidentally pulled out a photograph depicting an angel, which ironically looked more like a demon, complete with razor sharp teeth, devouring a female angel.
"Oh, sh*t, my mistake. It's just a picture of Adam eating his wife Eve."
He put the photograph back in the drawer, and kept rummaging through it, until he found what he was looking for.
"Oh, f*** yeah, baby! Here we go!" Blitzo shouted as he pulled out a remote control, and pressed a button on it.
The other demons watched as the walls opened up, revealing a secret compartment.
Inside was a control room with a large monitor on the wall, showing multiple full-color security cam videos from around the world. Below the screens was a four-part control panel, each part having a seat in front of it. At the top of the screen was a large meter made up of four sections.
Moxxie, Millie, and Loona were all in awe.
"What is it?" Moxxie asked.
"I call it the Eradicator," Blitzo explained. "I've been working on this for a while in case something like this ever happened. This baby can wipe out any f***in' species in any f***in' place, including humans. Oh, and it destroys civilizations, too."
"I've never been more happy to have our contract thrown away," Moxxie said.
"Yeah! Revenge is better than money!" Millie shouted.
"So how does it work?" Loona asked.
Blitzo chuckled. "That's simple, Loona. Go get the grimoire."
So Loona left the room, and after a while, returned with the grimoire, a book of ancient evils owned by Stolas, that I.M.P used to teleport themselves to Earth. "Here you go, dad."
"Thank you, Loona," Blitzo said, as Loona handed him the book. He placed the book in a compartment of the control panel that was shaped just like it. The Eradicator started to power up with a loud whine.
"Okay, everyone, take your seats!" Blitzo announced, as all four demons took their respective seats. They set the machine to target every human on Earth.
"Ready?!" Blitzo said.
"Ready!" Moxxie, Millie, and Loona all said.
"This is for you, Max," said Millie, grinning evilly.
Each demon pressed the button on their part of the control panel. The Eradicator powered up even more. Each section on the meter started to light up, glowing a very bright red as the whining got louder.
The demons all watched the monitor with intent, enthusiastically awaiting for humanity's gruesome demise.
Sure enough, on every screen, lasers started raining down from the sky, down on every human-populated area on Earth. Every human was being killed off by the lasers. Every town and city was on fire. Every screen constantly switched to a different camera, each showing every human's last moments.
Nobody was safe.
I.M.P couldn't be more ecstatic.
Kentucky was killed. Massachusetts was massacred. Detroit was destroyed. Paris perished. Brazil was butchered. Armageddon came to Argentina.
The destruction went on for a while. Eventually, once the lasers stopped shooting down from the sky, every location on Earth shown on the monitor was completely destroyed. All the humans were dead. All the members of I.M.P were stunned.
"I can't believe it..." Blitzo said. "After all these years, we did it... We killed every human on Earth..."
After a moment of silence, Blitzo shouted with excitement.
"WOOOOOOOO! TAKE THAT, HUMANS!"
I.M.P cheered. They had done it.
"That's what you get for killing OUR baby!" Millie said, before she and Moxxie kissed.
"I can't wait to tell Stolas about this!" Blitzo said excitedly.
"Oh, I already know, Blitz," said Stolas, entering the room, with the biggest smug grin on his face. "And I must say, you did a magnificent job. You really gave those asshole humans what they deserved. Closing your business was definitely worth it."
"It sure as hell was!" Blitzo said. "Maybe we should kill God next. After all, we demons are stronger than Him."
But before the demons could go through with it, they were all suddenly hit with tranquilizer darts, even Stolas. They all fell unconscious and their vision went completely dark.
After what seemed like forever, I.M.P regained consciousness. They all got up, groaning.
"What... happened...?" Blitzo moaned groggily.
But before Blitzo could get an answer, he saw something. Something that horrified him.
There, lying dead on the ground, was Stolas, blown to pieces, blood everywhere.
"STOLAS!" Blitzo screamed, and sobbed as he picked up Stolas' mangled corpse. "Oh, Stolas! Why?! Why?! WHY?!"
"Uh... Blitz?" Moxxie asked in a quivering voice.
"WHAT?!" Blitzo snapped angrily, only for his anger to turn to complete shock. Stolas' corpse fell out of Blitzo's hands. He joined Moxxie, Millie, and Loona, their eyes all wide with shock with the sight that laid before them.
Imp City was destroyed.
Every building in sight was reduced to rubble, even I.M.P's headquarters, the remains of which they were all standing in. The Eradicator was blown to smithereens. Even every pentagram in sight was crossed out with a large "X", including the giant one in the sky.
But that wasn't all, as I.M.P looked on, they could see thousands of bloody corpses strewn everywhere.
Every demon in Imp City was dead. Every hellborn and every sinner demon. Every imp, every succubus, every hellhound, every goetia. Every demon of every kind was dead.
Aside from Stolas, every demon I.M.P knew, both enemies and allies, had all brutally perished.
Stella, Octavia, Andrealphus, Fizzarolli, Vortex, the sick Verosika, her posse, Joe, Lin, Cash Buckzo, Barbie Wire, Crimson, Moxxie's mom, Striker, Mammon, Paimon, Paimon's son, Asmodeus, Queen Beelzebub, the wacky Wally Wackford, Glitz and Glam, Lyle Lipton, loopy Loopty Goopty, Mrs. Mayberry. All dead.
But it wasn't just Imp City that was destroyed. The underworld city where the Hazbin Hotel was located was also obliterated, even the hotel itself. Every demon in the area was also brutally murdered.
Charlie "Magne" Morningstar was mangled beyond recognition. Angel Dust had bitten the dust. Lying dead among them were Vaggie, Husk, Niffty, Cherri Bomb, Rosie, Molly, Katie Killjoy (who coincidentally looked like she was related to Charlie), Baxter, Mimzy, Susan, and every demon overlord, including Vox, Valentino, and Velvette. Even the dreaded devil himself, Lucifer Morningstar, and his wife Lilith, weren't spared.
Alastor's death was especially gruesome. His seemingly permanent smile was turned into a bleeding smashed-in frown. It looked as if he was attacked by an Alastorus rex. He had no idea what was in "stor" for him. His last words, as documented, were "tell my Alastory".
Above all, every demon in Hell was dead, and every demonic civilization in Hell was destroyed.
Only I.M.P remained.
The demons wandered through the bloody wreckage with crushed looks on their faces.
"How in the loo-loo f*** did this happen?!" Blitzo cried.
"Wouldn't YOU like to know?" said an angry voice.
I.M.P looked up. If having every civilization in Hell destroyed and almost every demon killed wasn't enough for them, what they saw before them shocked them more than ever.
Emerging from the shadows was every human they had killed.
All 8 billion of them surrounded them, glaring murderously at them.
They had all ended up in Hell due to I.M.P's careless destruction. But they weren't demons. They were all in their original human forms.
Standing in the midst of the humans, glaring at the demons with an especially hateful stare, was none other than Eddie's mother.
"Hello, demons..." she hissed.
The demons were still shocked and terrified at the sight of the angry humans.
"You... destroyed Imp City?" Blitzo asked.
"That's right, you assholes," Eddie's mother said. "You know, taking us out one by one wasn't enough for you. This time, you went and wiped out every human on Earth."
"How the f*** did you destroy our city?!" Moxxie cried.
"Oh. That's simple," said Eddie's mother. "When you destroyed all of humanity, and we ended up in Hell, we found your little headquarters, and we tranquilized you."
"And while you were unconscious," Agent Two added, "we found your weapon of mass destruction and we changed the settings on it to kill every demon in Hell, and destroy not only your city, but every city in Hell."
"Also, we found the self-destruct button on your machine," Agent One added.
The other demons glared at the nervous Blitzo.
"Well... how come you're not demons?!" Blitzo asked.
"Oh, we were at first," said Eddie's mother. "but once we killed the demon overlords, we all went back to normal. A lot of the demons that we killed were originally humans, but they were immersed in worshipping Satan."
"We set the machine to kill every demon that was immersed with worshipping Satan or affiliated with Satan in general, both the demons born in Hell, and the demons that were once humans before death," Agent Two added.
"Yeah," a man said. "Demons are pretty much obligated to worship Satan. Pathetic."
"At least we still had sense when we were demons at first," another man said, "That's why the machine didn't kill us. Well, at least not this time."
"And speaking of which," said a disgruntled old lady, "when we were blowing all of you up, wouldn't you know it, there was my son Ralphie with that Martha bitch arguing with his previous wife, the schoolteacher, because she ended up in Hell with her!" said a disgruntled old lady. "Well, of course she was gonna go there! Where was she gonna go? Detroit?! Still can't believe she manipulated him to become a Satanist with her."
"We still feel sorry for killing them because they worshipped what we worship," Millie said.
"And another thing: Lucifer never even liked being worshipped," a woman added.
"What?!" cried I.M.P.
"He doesn't?!" Millie cried.
"No," the woman said. "At least not evilly. Apparently, he wasn't evil, and never liked it when people did evil things."
"We saw him complaining about it to his wife and daughter before they were all killed," said the woman's husband.
"He didn't like even being called 'Satan'," the woman added. "But he deserved to die most of all anyway."
The woman's husband nodded with agreement.
I.M.P couldn't believe it. After all these years of doing evil things in the devil's name, they realized he never liked anyone doing evil things for him.
"Well, how do you like that?!" Blitzo groused. "The devil was a f***in' softie the whole f***in' time!"
"Well, if you killed every demon, how come you didn't kill us?!" asked Millie.
"Good question," another man said. "You see, we didn't kill you because we want to give you a special treatment."
"We want you to feel the same pain you've been giving us humans all these years," Eddie's mother said. "This time, it's our turn to kill you, without help from a machine. We even found your weapons."
"LET'S F***ING GET 'EM!" a man shouted.
All of the humans angrily started to corner the demons.
"There's too many of them, Blitz!" Millie cried. "We're done for!"
"Bullsh*t!" Blitzo said. "They can't outnumber us! Let's f***in' end this sh*t once and for all!"
With a yell, I.M.P charged. They were going to make sure that the human race was completely and ultimately extinct, once and for all.
But that was easier said than done.
Much to their shock, it turned out that the humans really have outnumbered them. They ducked and dodged every swing of their weapons and biting teeth. In fact, the worst the demons could do to the humans was knock them to the ground, merely bruising them.
Loona barked and growled as she ran on all fours, charging and baring her teeth at Eddie, but as soon as she lunged out at him, Eddie pulled out a shotgun and blew her head up. The deflated dog flopped to the ground.
"LOONIE!" Blitzo screamed before being tackled by several humans.
"I told you I was a cat person," Eddie said before blowing a raspberry at Loona's corpse.
I.M.P was being offed one by one. The humans were giving them a taste of their own medicine.
Moxxie was fighting off the human horde, when he was knocked to the ground a woman carrying a large hammer. The woman raised the hammer over her head.
"NO, WAIT, NO!" Moxxie begged, but it was no use.
SMASH!
Moxxie was squashed like a watermelon.
"MOXXIE!" Millie screamed with horror, before becoming enraged. "NOBODY HURTS MY HUBBY!"
Millie picked up a machete lying on the ground, and screamed wildly as she waved it over her head, charging at the woman, when all of a sudden, she was kicked to the ground by a man, knocking the machete out of her hands. The machete hit the ground, and the man picked it up. Growling, Millie got up, and tried to grab the machete back from the man, but the man pulled the machete back every time she tried.
After much struggling, with one big swipe, the man sliced Millie's head right off. Her head rolled as her decapitated body flopped lifelessly to the ground.
"So that's what it feels like..." Millie's severed head croaked, before getting crushed by another man's combat boot.
With Loona, Moxxie, and Millie down, only Blitzo was left. He pushed the humans out of his way. He picked up his golden gun, about to shoot every human in sight, but he was knocked down by Eddie's mother with a large pipe, knocking the gun out of his hand.
Eddie's mother picked up the gun and pointed it at Blitzo's face. Blitzo's eyes widened and his lips quivered with terror as he stared down the barrel of his own gun.
The angry mother only had one thing to say to him: "Goodbye, asshole."
BOOM!
A big hole was blown into Blitzo's head.
Like his friends, he now felt the pain of all his victims.
After the imp's body flopped to the ground, all of the humans, who suffered no casualties, all looked down at the mutilated members of I.M.P.
While Loona and Millie have died, only Blitzo and Moxxie were still alive, but very close to death, writhing in pain, unable to do anything about it.
"Blitz...?" Moxxie groaned.
"Please, Moxxie..." Blitzo groaned. "Call me Blitzo..."
"Blitzo...?" Moxxie groaned. "We shouldn't have started an assassination business in the first place."
"Yeah..." Blitzo groaned. "Killing people wasn't going to help us deal with our childhood traumas."
"No, it wasn't..." Moxxie croaked.
"We really should have given that hotel a chance..." Blitzo said.
"Yes, Blitzo... We should have..." Moxxie groaned.
And with one last wheeze, Blitzo and Moxxie died.
The demon race was officially extinct.
"I don't know what the hell those demons were talkin' about," said a man, "but I don't care."
For a while, all the humans just stood around the I.M.P members' corpses.
After a long silence, someone spoke up. "Well, now what?"
"Well..." said Eddie's mother, sighing, "I guess we'll be trapped in Hell forever."
But all hope was not lost. A bright misty light shone over them. Then it started to grow brighter into a white glow radiating from above. The humans looked up at the glorious light. Through the brightness, they could see the face of God with a big warm smile on His face.
Soon, the humans all started to glow brightly, until they disappeared in a flash. They were all out of Hell.
The little angels, Collin, Keenie, and Cletus, who were kicked out of Heaven, and forced to live in Hell, were sitting nearby on the ledge of a cliff, looking very irritated.
"How come they get to escape Hell and not us?!" said Collin.
"Welcome to my world," said Emily, who had been disowned and also banished to Hell by her father God for converting to Satanism, and is gloomily sitting nearby.
Back on Earth, all 8 billion people that that were killed in the midst of I.M.P's escapades were brought back to life, back to their normal selves.
Every place on Earth, every settlement, town, and city, was restored back to the way it was.
Every average joe, every kid, every family, Agent One, Agent Two, all of their fellow D.H.O.R.K agents, Jimmy the camp counselor, and even little Eddie, the not-so-bratty kid, and his mother.
They were all alive once more.
It was a miracle, especially for Eddie's mother. She was happy to have her boy back home with her again.
"Oh, Eddie," she said, hugging her son. "I missed you so much. It's a good thing everything's back to normal now that those horrible demons are all dead."
"It sure f***in' is," said Eddie.
Eddie's mother suddenly stopped hugging her son. She was mortified over what he said.
"My boy is a pottymouth!" she gasped before she started crying.
"What's the big f***in' deal, mom?" said Eddie. "There's nothing f***in' wrong with that."
Eddie's mother's despair quickly turned into anger. She grabbed Eddie by the ear, and started spanking the crying boy.
Everything was back to normal - more or less.