Every Little Thing

by wolvesjr34

PART II Saints & Sinners Universe. What if It's You sequel. Jane & Maura face major hurdles in chasing their happily ever after. An attack on Missy six months ago has widespread ramifications as she falls apart and Jane swoops in to play saviour. But at what cost? It's a soap, characters have evolved since the prequel and are going to be OOC by the sheer nature of it being a SOAP.

47. Chapter 47

Chapter Forty Seven

Alec opens his eyes and immediately slams them shut again. It's too bright. He groans and contemplates remaining on the couch where he must have passed out last night. However the smell of sizzling bacon beckons and through the fog of his hangover he finds himself snapping upright and leaping off the couch. He stands for a moment to steady himself, alert to his surroundings, well as alert as he can be anyway. He attempts to walk towards the kitchen and finds he needs the furniture and walls to steady himself. He feels entirely too groggy for the number of beers he recalls drinking. "Ugh," his head spins.

"Alec, are you alright?"

It's Rachael. She's standing in front of him with a spatula in her hand, while bacon sizzles in the pan behind her. He blinks rapidly before leaning back against the doorframe. "What… what are you doing here?"

She looks completely puzzled. "You called me last night, don't you remember?"

No he most certainly doesn't remember. The throbbing in his head gives him a good explanation as to why he doesn't recall. He turns back towards the living room and looks over at the coffee table and surrounds. It's completely clean, magazines neatly stacked and no empties in sight. He turns back to the kitchen and studies Rachael closely.

She moves the frypan from the burner, switching the gas off. She sets the spatula aside and approaches him, looking worried. "You were pretty out of it when I arrived, but I didn't think you were that out of it. Are you coming down with something?"

Alec rubs at the back of his head. He feels like he's living in the twilight zone. "I only had a few." He eventually explains, looking at her with utter disbelief in his eyes. "I really called you?"

"Yeah."

He takes a few unsteady steps forward, managing to maintain his balance. He grips onto the sink to steady himself and ride out a wave of nausea. He cannot remember the last time he felt this sick after drinking. He may not drink that often but his tolerance is usually high. So this feels so foreign to him. It's more akin to the hangover he had after his reserves football side won the grand final when he was twenty one. He kicked six goals that day and won best on ground. He drank free the entire night afterwards and had an absolute blast, at least, from what little he actually recalls about the night. The following morning he doesn't remember so fondly. This moment right now feels a lot like then and he's about twelve beers and several whiskey chasers shy of that night. So what the Hell?

Rachael hands him a glass and he turns on the cold tap, filling it with water. He takes a couple of sips, before drinking eagerly. He feels so dry and dehydrated, again not what should be happening after only a few beers. What is he forgetting? "How many empties did you clear away?"

"Just the four. You didn't take something, did you?" Rachael asks, appearing to study him closely.

He levels her with a look that he hopes indicates the absurdity of her suggestion. He sets his empty glass down on the sink. He braces himself against the cool metal. The bacon smells so good, but his stomach churns even thinking about eating. Not to mention the fact she's here. He still can't quite grasp changing his mind after yesterday.

His head hangs over the sink as her hand glides along his back, coming to rest on his shoulder. It's comforting, but it doesn't change the fact he has many genuine concerns about this relationship. "You're done with her, right?" He asks quietly.

"Alec," Rachael says with what comes across as an exasperated sigh. "She just happened to be there and I was worried about what seeing me out of the blue like that might do. I wasn't trying to start anything, so there's nothing to be done with. Alright?"

He simply nods and turns around. Her hand glides from his shoulder along his arm, stopping when she tangles their fingers and looks earnestly at him. He exhales loudly, tension he feels melts away with each breath he takes. Maybe he is being a little uptight about all this. It really isn't unusual for Rachael to care about Melissa's wellbeing. It's on him to stop acting like an insecure prick. "Just take a wide berth, yeah? Rizzoli is on the warpath and she's still very much hot under the collar because of Missy's memories."

He feels better when she nods and returns her attention to the bacon on the stove. It's nice that she doesn't fight him on it, but then he supposes there's a level of guilt she feels for the way things happened when she was fifteen. If he knows her well and he believes he does, it wouldn't surprise him if a part of her wants Jane to lose her shit. Rachael probably feels she deserves to be punished, even if her intentions weren't as fucked up as Jane seems to think.

He watches as she plates the bacon and returns the pan to the heat, apparently she has ideas for more. He doesn't say anything as she heats up the bacon grease and places two pieces of bread into the pan to absorb the grease and toast. She flips the bread to mop up the last of the grease and then she layers cheese on both pieces. The bacon is layered on one piece of cheesy, toasting bread and then she flips the other piece of bread on top, creating a disgustingly greasy, cheesy breakfast toastie that he knows is going to be delicious and probably clog an artery.

"I can't decide if that's a hangover cure or a heart attack waiting to happen." He comments drily.

Rachael looks at him with a soft smile. "You act like I didn't repeatedly watch you eat the offerings from that takeaway joint in Rosny."

He smiles fondly, thinking about their weekend breakfast jaunts while at the academy. There was this small family run business that made the most delicious breakfast toasties. They had some uniquely absurd food combinations that would have undoubtedly put the offering being plated in front of him to shame as far as grease and fat content goes. "I don't have a steel gullet anymore, Rache."

"Well if you don't want it," she teases, making a move to carry the plate past him into the living room.

He rolls his eyes, immediately regretting it when a fresh wave of nausea hits his stomach. He follows after her once he feels the wave pass. "Look, I wasn't saying that."

Her grin is broad and beautiful. She motions for him to sit down which he does, before graciously accepting the plate. She sits down on the couch next to him and tucks underneath his arm. It feels good having her there, thankfully it only takes one hand to hold the toasted sandwich, which he decides he does want to eat. It is as greasy as he expects, but within a couple minutes of taking several bites and chewing he starts to feel a bit better.

He starts thinking back on last night in an attempt to piece together what exactly happened. Because it most certainly wasn't him choosing to take any other form of illicit or prescription drug. Four beers is still all he can recall drinking after getting home and he then recalls talking to Barbara Dyson and as if the sun is just dawning in his brain his eyes immediately shift to the coffee table. He can't see the file, just several neatly stacked magazines. "Did you see a manilla folder when you tidied up?"

"No, I can't say that I recall seeing one." Rachael answers, leaning back to make eye contact. "Where did you leave it?"

"On the table."

Rachael gets up and starts looking through the pile of magazines before setting them back down. He watches as she looks around the room but she looks as perplexed as he feels. "It's not here."

He stands, kneels and lifts his couch just enough to see under there, but there's nothing. He stands back up and scratches the top of his head, as if that will help him remember. He can't though. He remembers watching the news and then putting on an old John Wayne movie. He remembers getting up to grab a couple more beers and he remembers drinking them, but after that it's all black.

"Is it important?" She asks.

"Hell if I know. I haven't had a chance to look at it." He looks at Rachael as he feels this sense of dread crawl along his spine. This doesn't feel like a coincidence. He ducks out into the hall and walks over to the front door and looks at the alarm panel. Nothing seems out of the ordinary. He swings back around and lifts his gaze towards Rachael, "I think I was drugged."

"Or maybe," she offers softly, gliding her hand along his arm, "You're coming down with something and as a result the booze hit you a lot harder than normal."

He frowns. While absolutely possible given he is feeling it even now, it doesn't explain the missing file. "But that file, it can't have just vanished into thin air."

"Maybe you left it in the car?"

"Maybe." His response is uncertain and almost reluctant. Though it doesn't hurt to check.

"Go grab a shower and freshen up. It will help you feel better. I'll check your car."

He nods, accepting the suggestion as he really hopes a hot shower does exactly as she believes. "Alright."

---

Rachael sits in her car on the street outside Alec's. He's busy showering and she's staring at the manilla folder he's looking for. An amused smile creases her lips as she reads the one simple word written on the front: Ford. She flicks through the contents. A few copies of cash receipts, some grainy photographs, and several pages of handwritten notes. She skims the notes and then she looks at the photographs. They look like he was attempting to trace the footsteps of Douglas Walton dating back to long before the day he went missing.

The photographs don't really appear to provide much clarity until she notices there's a picture of her and Melissa walking hand in hand down the street. They really didn't have a clue about surreptitiousness back then did they? It's a miracle Gabby never found out what was happening under her nose until it all went pear shaped.

Rachael looks out the passenger window towards the house. Alec probably won't be much longer. Her heart is heavy thinking back on what she used to have. Her eyes gravitate back towards the photograph. Melissa's leaning in close and for Rachael she remembers it like yesterday. Sharing a joke and having a laugh. Feeling on top of the world.

Her eyes catch something strange in the background. It takes a second but she recognises the slightly blurred figure watching them. It dawns on her that this explains so much. She always wondered why he chose to target Melissa. Now it makes sense. It backs up everything she's been saying.

Rachael flips it over and looks at the last photograph. It's Douglas and a very familiar face. It's time stamped the day after he was considered missing. She's impressed that Dyson found this, but Alec can't see it. He won't understand. She opens her glovebox and slips the photograph in there.

Some things are best left in the past.

---

"You wanna spit out what's bugging you?" Jane questions as she zips up her duffel bag. She lifts her eyes and focuses squarely on Monica, who looks to be completely distracted, presumably lost in her thoughts.

Monica's eyes snap toward her and they're absolutely piercing. If Jane wasn't already aware of how intense Monica's expressions could be she'd have felt the need to take a step back. As it is she finds herself wondering if Monica picking her up from the hospital was about more than keeping Melissa away from the house they're currently standing in.

"We need to talk." Monica states firmly, although it is a win in Jane's book that her hands remain in her pocket as she leans against the doorframe of the spare bedroom looking in at her.

Jane lifts her bag and throws the strap over her shoulder and motions in the direction of the front door. "Do you think we could talk on the way back to your place?"

Monica's head shake is brief and small and only really noticeable because Jane's attention is planted firmly on the diminutive woman. "It's probably best we talk here."

Okay now Monica really has her attention. Jane pulls the strap back across her shoulder and sits the bag down. She then sits down on the edge of the bed because she has a suspicion that she might just need to be sitting for this. "Okay," she says tentatively, wanting Monica to get the ball rolling.

"I hear you've been talking about kids." Monica says so casually that Jane almost misses the concerned glint in her eye.

"Yeah," Jane says almost hesitantly in response. This is not where she thought this conversation was going. "What about it?"

"Have you thought about what that could look like for you two?"

Jane's eyes narrow as she feels herself getting defensive, but this is Melissa's best friend. More than that, she's probably the closest thing to family Melissa has. So she breathes in deeply and tries to let go of her defensive nature, for now at least. "Of course."

"I mean have you really thought about it?"

Jane's brow furrows in confusion. Of course she has. She hasn't been able to stop thinking about it. She's had hours alone in a hospital room thinking about it. She should have been thinking about the case, but she wasn't because this, the thought of building a family with Melissa, was all she could think about. It is what she wants most in this world. So of course she's thought about all of it.

"We're not doing this until she's ready."

"But what if she's good but then she has a kid and boom, postpartum depression!? What if a few years after having a kid she just succumbs to another depressive spiral? Have you thought about what that looks like for you and for her?"

"I will help her through it. Or I'll find someone who can."

"You'll have her and a kid or multiple kids to take care of Jane. That's going to be a full time job. Are you willing to give up working if that happens?"

Monica's eyes burn intensely. Jane swallows down her desire to fight back, because Lord does she want to. While she logically understands Monica is doing precisely what she should be doing, it emotionally feels like her love for Melissa is being questioned and that makes her want to fight.

She cannot quite keep all of the snark out of her voice when she says, "You don't know the half of what I'd do for her. I'd give it all up in a heartbeat. So if we're done here?" Jane stands up, hoping to indicate that she's more than ready to go and see the woman they're talking about.

"Sit down, Jane!"

Jane does precisely that. She feels like she's back in school being scolded by the principal. It's insane the level of fear this woman can instill in her.

"I know that you love Missy, Jane. I know that you think you'd be able to handle anything to be with her, but you're about to be tested in ways that will leave you feeling emotionally eviscerated."

Jane's hands clench by her sides because the sense of unease that settles in her gut just from hearing those words is enough to make her want out of this entire conversation. It makes her angry, because why does she feel like this has something to do with Rachael?

"What happened?" She grinds out between her teeth, a sense of dread slowly crawling along her spine in anticipation of what's to come.

"Rachael happened." Monica says bluntly. "She's going to keep happening, Jane. She has a power over Missy that's quite honestly disturbing and while I intervened this time, I can't always be there. You can't always be there."

"What do you mean 'intervened'?" Jane can feel her heart start to race and she feels a horrible sensation settle in her gut. It makes her want to cry out in grief, because it feels that damn bad from where she's sitting.

Monica stands upright and it looks for a second like she's considering her words, but then as is her nature she just bluntly blurts it out there for Jane to know. "They almost kissed. I don't know what would have happened if I hadn't seen them standing there on the street."

Monica wasn't wrong about her assessment. This feels pretty emotionally eviscerating to Jane. Jane's eyes shimmer with tears. "Why?" She asks quietly, before finding more of her voice as she stands up and steps closer to Monica, towering over her. "Why would you tell me this?"

"Because she is going to and you need to be prepared. You need to be able to see this for what it is. This is some kind of Dracula level bullshit, alright? This is not Missy willfully looking to betray you. This isn't even some God awful inevitability. This is my sister being a manipulative bitch and taking advantage." Monica answers with passion and a dash of spite towards the end. "Don't let her win Jane. Don't let her destroy Missy's life anymore than she already has. Please."

After the initial hit, which felt like Monica was standing in front of her driving the knife into her gut and twisting with the way she delivered the information, Jane's over protective sense of self kicks into gear. She knows her eyes give away her intent as Monica's face looks desperate. Jane brushes past her, shrugging away from a feeble attempt to physically restrain her. Monica is right. This is some next level grooming bullshit that's fucking with Melissa's head and it is threatening their relationship. Jane's breaths are fast and heavy as she approaches the front door thinking about what she intends to do.

Jane's hand tightens around the front door handle.

"Don't." Monica says firmly.

Jane pauses and she doesn't know why. Rachael needs to be taught a lesson once and for all.

"Think about what you're about to do. Think about the consequences. Think about Missy."

Jane lets go of the handle and slams her fist into her thigh, wincing with pain and yelling out several expletives in the process. She turns to look at Monica and says, "She's not going to stop."

"No, she isn't." Monica agrees, taking a step closer. "But killing her will make a martyr of her, Jane and it will probably send Missy off the deep end."

Jane feels like a rabid dog chained up pulling violently trying to break free. Because a huge part of her is ready to tear Rachael limb from limb, but she knows that she isn't in her right mind. She knows that Monica is right. Stupidly enough, snuffing out the light in Rachael's eyes would only give that bitch what she wants. It would destroy Missy's love for her. It would rob her of her freedom and there's a madman on the loose who might just take advantage of it.

Jane sighs and slumps backwards into the front door. Her head hangs low and she interlocks her hands behind her head. She is trapped between a rock and a hard place and she's starting to get it now. She's starting to understand what this entire conversation has been about. Monica has been gauging precisely how much she loves Melissa because this fight is not for the weak hearted. This is a fight most people would walk away from. Too stubborn to see between the lines, or too afraid that they're wrong about everything; about the person they love. Jane, however, is built differently. She can't walk away now even if she wants to and she's fighting with one arm tied behind her back. Rock. Hard place.

"If you can't do this, you need to tell me now." Monica states firmly.

Jane's hands fall to her side and she lifts her head. She feels the burning of fresh tears as she shakes her head. She feels the weight of the world on her shoulders. She's carrying it all and damn if Maura and Melissa both haven't warned her about this at one time or another. Her voice is choked up with so many tears that she barely recognises it when the words fall out of her mouth. "What other choice do I have?"

"You can save yourself." Monica says quietly, her hand gripping Jane's shoulder firmly.

Jane isn't sure if it's meant to be comforting or fortifying, but a tsunami of grief rolls through her body in the form of anger. She shoves Monica away with some force and glares at her. This woman has the gall to call herself Melissa's best friend? "Are you insane?"

"This is an all in or all out fight," Monica spits back. "There's no throwing in the towel mid fight."

Jane grits her teeth and continues to glare.

"There's no complaining that the scorers are against you or that the fight is rigged. There's no complaining that you're fighting above your weight. You either accept the fight or you decline. But if you're going to decline, decline it now while I can still mitigate the damage it will cause."

"Sweetheart," Jane says with a nasty snarl, "We're already six rounds in. I'm not going anywhere."

The relief on Monica's face is obvious as she exhales and deflates a little. "Oh thank God. I don't know what I'd have done if you actually walked away."

Jane stares at Monica for a long moment. Another fucking test. Her face morphs into her damn near patented look when she says, "Really?"

Monica blinks several times. Her relief might still be obvious, but she isn't smiling. She isn't perturbed by Jane's incredulity at yet another test of her love. She's just focused. "You've been boxing with gloves on, Jane. Rachael's about to take 'em off and she's going to be throwing a Hell of a lot more at you than I ever have. So you'll have to forgive me for wanting to be sure you can handle it."

That's just the thing, Jane knows she won't give up. She will fight tooth and nail for Melissa's safety and happiness and their future together, but she has no real control over whether or not Rachael or the raging lunatic playing mind games with them throws a knockout blow. That's the thought that scares her. What happens then?

---

The sight of Melissa sitting on the edge of the bed facing the window with her shoulders slumping forward as light sobs escape cuts Jane like a hot knife through butter. She feels a hand on her shoulder and turns her head to watch as Monica motions somewhere down the hall and walks away. One thing can be said about Monica, she knows when to retreat. Jane can't even be mad at all the buttons Monica pushes to test her love, because aside from that Monica is a direct talking, emotionally intuitive and generally kind woman. She's pretty much the perfect friend for Melissa.

Jane sets her duffle down beside the bed and walks across the room. She sits down next to her girlfriend and is almost immediately wrapped up in a tight hug. Her own arm wraps around Melissa in response and she turns her head and presses her lips into a mess of golden blonde hair. She tries very hard to focus on the here and now so as not to let her mind wander back to thoughts of Rachael and Melissa almost kissing. Now is not the time for the anger that brings out in her. Although it would help to hear from Melissa's mouth what exactly is going on in her head at the moment.

Jane remembers that Melissa mentioned she would still be seeing Gloria most mornings, so she queries, "Rough session?"

Melissa nods her head against Jane's shoulder but doesn't say anything. It's quite apparent to Jane that she's trying to get her emotions in check as her sobbing starts to subside.

"Do you want to talk about it?"

Melissa's body tenses up around her and Jane knows it's the physical manifestation of her fear and hesitation, which suggests that perhaps Melissa talked to her therapist about the whole Rachael interaction. That in itself might have been pretty intense if Melissa hadn't yet gotten around to explaining that someone she long thought dead is in fact alive and well. Jane gently glides her hand up and down Melissa's side in an attempt to soothe and reassure her girlfriend, understanding that it's imperative she create a safe environment right now.

"There's no rush." Jane coos softly, "I'm right here. I'm not going anywhere."

Melissa's arms tighten around her torso, indicating to Jane that her girlfriend is definitely worried that what happened is somehow going to change that. Even without Monica reading her the riot act it wouldn't change anything, not given her own actual indiscretions recently. Melissa has been more than forgiving, it would be hypocritical to lose her shit over an almost event.

Jane decides it might be best if she rips the bandaid off in this instance. "I know that you and Rachael almost kissed."

Jane isn't sure what exactly she's expecting, perhaps a flood of fresh tears and some sobbing or some profuse apologies that are unnecessary. She isn't expecting Melissa to withdraw and step off the bed and walk over to the window. She isn't expecting the near absent look she sees on the one part of her girlfriend's face she can view from her position on the bed. If she's completely honest with herself, Jane's actually a little bit nervous right now.

"I don't deserve you."

Melissa's voice is so quiet that it takes Jane a few moments to process what she heard. She eyes her girlfriend warily as an uneasy feeling starts to build in her gut. It isn't a bad thing for someone to feel a little guilt in this situation, if anything it makes a part of Jane feel better, but it doesn't feel like a normal level of guilt. It feels more than that. She doesn't know why, perhaps it's the withdrawn stance and the fact her girlfriend doesn't want to meet her eyes. It just feels off and her nervousness is turning into genuine worry.

"Why do you say that?"

"Reality." Melissa responds softly, as she appears to fold in on herself, looking smaller than Jane has ever witnessed even in her worst moments. Her arms wrap around her middle and it is this that draws Jane to her feet.

She's at a loss for what it is that's running through Melissa's mind, which only feeds the worry building within. She takes a couple of tentative steps to close the space between them and slowly reaches out to place a hand on her girlfriend's shoulder. "Reality is dependent on the lens you're viewing it through."

Melissa hums to herself and continues to look out the window. Her shoulder feels tense beneath Jane's hand to the point that she doesn't think she should try to increase the level of comfort she's providing. She so desperately wants to, but this entire situation has her shaken. She still doesn't know how they went from Melissa clinging desperately to her to her girlfriend becoming a withdrawn husk.

"Talk to me," Jane pleads, aware that she probably sounds desperate despite her attempt to sound steady and even keeled.

Melissa's head tilts slightly towards her, causing Jane to let out a breath she didn't realise she was holding. Though almost as soon as she does that Melissa's eyes close and Jane watches as several tears carve a path down a precious cheek. She still can't make eye contact. It's making Jane feel restless.

"Missy, please."

"Why do you love me?"

"Why does anyone love anyone?"

Despite her genuine intent, Melissa shrugs away from the hand she has on her shoulder, telling Jane that now is clearly not the time for whatever the Hell that answer was. She doesn't even know why those particular words fell out of her mouth. It is becoming very obvious that there's a level of introspection going on within her girlfriend right now that is just a little bit terrifying.

She tries again.

"I just mean that it isn't so easy to quantify. Ya know? I don't know why. I just know that I do." She's trying to be as earnest as she can, but she's not a poet. There are many things that Melissa does that bring her happiness, amusement and a sense of peace, but are they why she loves her or a result of her love? It feels so sappy and like she's drawing it straight from a romantic comedy but she knows she has to say something remotely sweet. "You complete me, alright? When I'm with you there's light in the dark."

"Am I enough?"

Okay, enough really is enough at this point. Jane gently grips Melissa by the arm and turns her so that they are facing one another. This conversation is starting to take a turn into Nopeville and Jane is not interested in travelling this particular path. She subconsciously wets her lips as Melissa's watery eyes finally make contact with her own and while her right hand maintains a soft hold on Melissa's forearm, her left hand rises up and brushes through her girlfriend's hair. "You are more than enough, Missy. You're everything. Why can't you see that?"

There's a haunted look in Melissa's eyes that sends Jane right back to the night Maura pulled the rug out from under her and all of her jittery nervous energy quickly dissipates as fear takes up residence in her gut. That feeling only intensifies as Melissa turns away and looks back out the window. "Missy-"

"I don't think we should have children."

It's a quiet interruption, but it comes out of nowhere and it practically floors Jane, who steps backwards until the back of her legs reach the mattress and then she sits. The detective in her is screaming something isn't right, because there was no denying the genuine want and desire for kids in Melissa's eyes yesterday. She wants children, she absolutely does. This is not something she saw coming and the mere thought of that being off the table, well it feels like a betrayal. It shouldn't, but it does. It hurts. It's downright crippling, Jane realises, as she sits there staring at this woman that she loves with every ounce of her being.

Melissa turns back towards her and her eyes are dull and sad and all of the alarm bells are ringing in Jane's head. She doesn't realise she's crying until Melissa kneels down in front of her and gently glides her thumb across her cheek. It occurs to her in this moment where this is headed and she flat out refuses to accept what's coming. "You're enough," Jane's voice cracks. An urgency unlike anything she's felt before bubbles up out of her chest as she reiterates, "You're enough."

Melissa's eyes search hers as her hand cups Jane's cheek. Tears stream down her face as she quietly whispers, "You are too good to be tied to somebody like me, Jane. All I'm going to bring you is heartache and you don't deserve that."

Jane's voice is low and her eyes burn with intensity as she locks firmly onto Melissa's watery blue ones. "Don't do this."

"You deserve to have a family, Jane. You deserve everything you want in life."

Except you. Right? That's what you're telling me. Fuck.

Jane stands abruptly, incidentally knocking Melissa backwards onto her backside. She stares down at her and all she can see is the meddling, manipulative piece of trash that has gotten her claws in deep enough that her girlfriend is willing to throw it all away. It hurts. It hurts so much that she cannot stay in the room with this woman.

As she reaches the door she ignores Melissa's plea to stay and gently pulls her own arm free of her girlfriend's desperate grip. She knows she should stop and think and try to calm Melissa down. Melissa's whole demeanour is a symptom of a completely decimated self esteem. She's clearly spiralling and self destructing. Jane recognises this logically, but emotionally she needs to leave. She cannot go through this again, not with Melissa. There's no coming back if Melissa breaks her heart.

Jane marches along the hall towards the stairs she needs to descend to reach the front door. She ignores the alarmed look Monica throws at her from the kitchen island on her way past and trudges down the stairs. She just needs some air. She needs time to think. She has to figure out a way to fix this and pull Melissa out of her spiral before either of them say something they cannot take back.

"Leaving doesn't change anything." Melissa calls from the top of the stairs.

Jane freezes in her tracks. Her girlfriend has never been more right in her life and she would love to turn around and use her words against her, but she knows they will fall on deaf ears right now. It's a dick move, she knows, but she can't stay. She cannot let them finish this conversation right now, because if she does two hearts are going to be irrevocably broken.

After she exits the house and closes the front door she takes a moment to reel in her anger. It's been building exponentially from the moment Melissa said, 'All I bring you is heartache'. She needs an outlet for her anger that isn't the precious, damn near broken soul standing somewhere on the other side of that door. She knows precisely what she wants to do with it and even as she takes in a deep breath in an attempt to calm her nerves, all she can see is her fist slamming repeatedly into Rachael's smug face.

She's not going to do that though, not at all. Monica is right about that much. At this point it would turn into a horrible self fulfilling prophecy. It's bad enough remembering the haunted hurt in Melissa's eyes as she was apparently building up the courage to try and end their relationship. She doesn't want to see betrayal in them too. That look would haunt her for the rest of her life.

So no, Jane doesn't intend to let her anger out in a Gabby-like over reaction. Instead she's going to be calm, calculated and precise and she is going to make sure once and for all that Rachael stays the fuck away from her girlfriend.

---

It has probably been the most awkward morning of Kelly's life and that includes the time she confessed her undying love and affection to Donna Scanlen in high school. Donna didn't reciprocate and was really nice about it, but Kelly's preference would have been to not see her for a while after that. Unfortunately for her they had a massive science project that they had to work on together and thus she experienced genuine awkward vibes for the first time in her life. Last night leading into this morning was officially worse.

While the noise cancelling headphones did their job, the damage had already been done. She had heard up close and personal both the sensual and the powerfully raw sounds that escaped Maura's mouth during sexual intimacy and then she dreamed about it. All. Night. Long. She woke up several times during the night, aching in places she ought not be and breakfast, even after an extra long, mostly cold shower, was no easy task.

Sitting there at the table opposite Maura she would look up and her eyes would immediately fall towards supple lips and it was at that moment Kelly realised she was doing precisely what Melissa told her not to do. She was crushing on someone completely unattainable. Same story. Different cover. Suffice to say before Maura or Gabby could notice what was happening she decided to excuse herself and hide away in her room.

Subsequently she has played more Candy Crush and spent more money on extra lives and special candy than she would ever admit aloud. Her phone now needs to charge and her stomach is starting to growl. It's practically lunch time and she thinks she heard the front door close not that long ago. With any luck they both went out and she can scrounge up something to eat without having to make any eye contact. She doesn't think she's ready for that just yet. She just needs a little time to clear her head.

Kelly quietly makes her way into the kitchen. She comes to a stop in the middle of the floor. She does a 360 looking at the room around her. It's a sleek, modern kitchen with marble countertops and a massive walk-in pantry. Every item is top of the line and has its place. There isn't a single visible crumb anywhere. It is absolutely spotless.

Kelly sighs. She grabs an apple from the fruit bowl and washes it carefully. Based on the state of the kitchen it wouldn't surprise her if it had already been washed thoroughly. Habit is habit though. She takes a bite and the crunch is tantalising, much like her thoughts which are drifting to an illicit moment alone with her host in this very kitchen. She stops chewing as her brain takes her down a sexually explicit rabbit hole.

As her mind pictures taking Maura against the fridge she takes another bite and chews slowly. She quickly shakes her head and forces her mind back into the here and now because it is one thing for her subconscious to inundate her in her dreams. Daydreaming about it is completely inappropriate and disrespectful to a friend who has been nothing but a kind host.

"Oh there you are." Maura says with an effervescence that Kelly is not at all prepared for, but then she supposes Gabby most certainly put many peps in her step last night.

She coughs to cover up the fact she almost choked on a piece of apple and looks over at Maura. Somehow this woman dressing casually in shorts and a short sleeved tee shirt looks even more attractive than when she wears the dresses that accentuate every perfect curve. Kelly forces a smile and acknowledges, "Yup. Here I am."

"Are you alright? You disappeared very quickly this morning."

Of course Maura's only concern is her wellbeing. It occurs to Kelly in this moment where she is desperately reminding herself to keep her eyes on Maura's that she can't stay in this house if she's going to get over this silly little crush. Ugh. If only it was silly. She hopes it's little. She prays it's little. Her heart cannot handle another catastrophe so soon after Melissa.

"Kelly?"

Oh crap. She's staring and overthinking and not at all opening her mouth to speak. "Oh, um… yeah?"

"Are you alright?"

"Yes." Maura's eyes cut right through her. Lies, apparently, are not going to be tolerated. Ugh. "No."

"What's wrong?"

There is no answering this in any satisfactory way because the truth is absolutely out. She is not blowing up a wonderful friendship because apparently her body has decided Maura is the perfect mate. "Well, um-"

The doorbell rings out.

Oh thank God!

"Excuse me for a moment." Maura says, ever mindful of her manners.

Kelly watches her friend vacate the kitchen and the moment she's gone she tosses her apple in the compost bin. She's lost her appetite. She braces herself against the bench and pushes her body back and forth by bending and extending her arms a few times, deriding herself for letting this crap happen again. Maura Isles is off fucking limits. It isn't just the fact they're friends. It isn't just the fact she's so clearly enamoured with Gabby, even if that makes zero sense to Kelly. It's the fact that if all of that is somehow not an obstacle, there's the Jane of it all. It just isn't worth the heartache.

"Kelly."

She lets go of the bench and turns to look and when her eyes meet Maura's she's so clearly worried about something else that all awkwardness Kelly is feeling flies out the window. "What's wrong?"

"I'm not particularly sure." Maura says, her eyes skirting toward the hall. "But Melissa is here and she is not in a good way at all."

She barely remembers to excuse herself as she rushes out of the kitchen and down the hall into the foyer. Maura wasn't exaggerating. Melissa is sobbing profusely and has her arms wrapped tightly around herself in a self hug.

Kelly bridges the last of the distance between them and places a hand against the small of her back in an attempt to guide her further inside. "Missy, honey, wh-"

Her thought is swallowed as she finds herself wrapped up by Melissa in a tight hug. The tightness and desperation bleeding through feels ten times more intense than yesterday. "Missy," she tries again, "What happened?"

Kelly looks over Melissa's shoulder while she sobs her way through a mostly incoherent babble. She notices Maura standing where the hall meets the foyer with an apprehensive look on her face. It doesn't take long for Kelly to realise that Melissa being distraught in her house means Maura is worrying about Jane. She hopes her eyes convey she understands before she turns her head towards Melissa's ear and tries to soothe her.

"Missy, honey, just breathe for me okay."

Kelly's hand runs up and down her wife's back as she looks to provide as much comfort as she can. She exaggerates her own breathing as an example of what she wants from Melissa. As Melissa's sobs start to subside and her breathing becomes more obvious Kelly pulls back and frames her face with both hands. Her thumbs gently stroke tear sodden cheeks.

"Can you answer a couple of simple yes or no questions for me, honey?"

Melissa nods.

"Is Jane physically okay?"

Melissa nods and an immediate relief washes over Kelly's body. She glances towards Maura who is on her phone, frowning. Kelly suspects she's calling Jane and not getting an answer. She looks back at her wife.

"Is Jane emotionally okay?"

Melissa's eyes are clearly pained by this as she rapidly shakes her head and fresh tears start building. Worried that she's going to undo the work she's done so far to calm her wife down, Kelly places a gentle kiss on her forehead and ushers her into the living room. Once Melissa is seated she says, "I'm going to get Maura to find Jane, okay? Make sure she's going to be okay. I'll be right back."

Once she is sure Melissa is alright with her leaving the room she heads back out into the foyer and finds Maura. She rubs her own arm and offers up what has to be a strained smile. "Jane's physically okay, but they may have had a fight. Missy's not saying much but I can tell she's very worried about Jane's mental state at the moment."

"Are these repercussions from what you talked about last night?"

"God I hope not, Maura. I had her calm and her best self when we were done talking. I practically promised her Jane would understand. If this is because I've given her bad advice…"

Kelly's voice trails out as she looks away in an attempt to recompose herself. Seeing Melissa this way hurts her in ways she doesn't know how to communicate accurately. She is still very much in love with her wife and if she has somehow made things worse for her, she won't forgive herself easily.

Kelly snaps to attention when Maura places what is undoubtedly meant to be a comforting hand on her forearm. It's light and graceful and for Kelly anyway, it is electric. It draws her out of her worry for Melissa for just a moment and reminds her that Maura is getting under her skin in all the ways she really cannot afford right now. Even as she feels sombre for the state Melissa is in she can't help but offer a genuinely warm smile when she explains, "I'm alright. It's just hard to see her regressing this much. If it's my fault-"

"I can guarantee you, Kelly, that this is not your fault." Maura interrupts with a firm, but caring tone to her voice that only serves to strike another unwanted chord within Kelly's heart. "I don't like to assume of course, but from what I saw yesterday afternoon, Rachael's presence has been quite damaging to Melissa's mental health."

Maura removes her hand and Kelly immediately feels its absence. Still she puts on a brave face and asks, "Were you able to get a hold of Jane?"

"No. In light of what we do know I'm going to call Gabby and have her start checking the local bars."

Kelly doesn't like the reality that picture paints. If things are so bad between Jane and Melissa that Jane has gone off to drown her sorrows? Well that is not a reality she wants any of them living in, least of all Melissa. She has enough on her plate. She doesn't need to be blaming herself for Jane going off the rails. Hopefully it has not come to that. Hopefully Jane just needs to let off steam.

Oh, God. No.

Kelly feels the blood drain from her face as it occurs to her precisely where Jane is headed. Things are about to get ugly if she's correct. "She's not going to drown her sorrows, Maura. She's going to go after Rachael."

"Why would she do that?" Maura queries, though she at least looks like she's taking the concern seriously. "She loathes the woman, but she has self control."

"Missy had a second run in with Rachael yesterday. They almost kissed."

"Oh." Maura says, her features creasing with worry even as she brings her phone up to presumably call Gabby.

"Yeah. I need to get back in there." Kelly says, pointing back towards the living room door. "But let me know if there's anything I can do."

---

Gabby leaves Inspector Freeman's office feeling buoyed by the fact she's been given the all clear to return to work tomorrow, albeit restricted to desk duty. At this stage she will take it, because whether it be in the field or from behind a desk it allows her an opportunity to do something that gives her purpose. Officially, picking up the slack left behind by those focusing on Alexis' murder investigation. Unofficially, well, as if anybody is even going to notice her weasel her way onto the only investigation that matters.

At least, Freeman won't and even if he does, he won't care. He's not one of those officers that got there by knowing people. He got to his position by being good at his job and thus he is not as big a stickler for protocol as the career desk jockeys are. As long as it sticks in court, that's all he'll ever give a crap about.

Alec might be a problem, because he knows her too well and he will not want her to have even half a chance of catching the bastard that tortured Alexis first. She can't really blame him for that and honestly, while ninety percent of the time that would piss her off, right now it doesn't. She just wants to help, even if that means the job gets done right and justice is handed out by the courts and not her fists.

Maura would be so proud.

She grins as she brings her hands firmly down on Detective Marsh's desk, startling him out of his thoughts. "Oi Marsh, where's Morris?"

"Corner office with the fed." He puts his glasses on and makes like he's taking a real serious look then says, "Geez Wilson, you look like shit."

She rolls her eyes at him and chuckles, "Good to see you too."

He shoos her away as if he is working on something terribly important, but Gabby clocks that he is reading a lunch menu. She simply shakes her head and makes her way to the corner office, knocks sharply twice, barely waits and enters.

"Look what the cat dragged in." Alec says with a cheesy grin.

"And I still smell better than you," she retorts playfully.

"Good afternoon detective," Rachael greets, some definite pride in her eyes.

Gabby flirts with the idea of a smile as she looks at her would-be friend and fights desperately to contain her snicker as she says, "You must be Detective Holden."

The fact that they actually make a show of shaking hands just in case someone is looking through the door she didn't close is humorous to her. It is that humour and her good mood that is helping with her apprehension. It's still so very surreal seeing Rachael in day to day life. It's going to be something she will have to get used to very quickly.

With Maura's offer from last night in mind, Gabby quietly closes the door so that they have a little more privacy she then focuses her attention on Rachael. She acts as casual as she can, jamming her hands in her pockets as she asks, "So did you want to come over for dinner one night this week?"

"To yours or Maura's?" Rachael questions.

Gabby notices Alec share a brief look with Rachael and as his eyes meet hers she notices a hint of pity in them. What the Hell is that all about? She throws a silent question at him with her eyes and he averts his gaze, turning to look at the murder board behind them. He looks a little guilty and it leaves her confused and questioning but before she can ask him outright her eyes fall on a photograph of the kitchen island where Alexis' blood is pooled and all thoughts escape her.

"Yours or Maura's?" Rachael repeats.

Gabby snaps back into the now and says, "Maura's. Well technically she's asked me to move in so I guess it's mine too."

"That's fast," Rachael observes before going on to somberly explain herself, "I mean, given everything."

By everything she undoubtedly means Alexis. Gabby sighs. She doesn't want to think about this. Maybe she shouldn't try to worm her way onto this case. It is not going to be good for her sanity. "If you ask Alec, it's been a long time coming. He's actually the one that reminded me to be open to what I feel for Maura."

He turns to look at her and says, "Only told you what blind Freddie could have told you."

She manages a half hearted chuckle. She's thankful for his influence, because her life would not remotely feel like living without Maura right now. She makes things better in countless ways.

Gabby returns her attention to Rachael, "So what do you think?"

"About dinner? I can probably do it tomorrow night."

"Great." Gabby says right as her phone starts ringing. She looks down at the caller ID and excuses herself. She steps out into the bullpen area and answers. "Hey babe, what's up?"

"Hello love. Are you still at the station?"

"Yeah. Why?"

"Is Rachael there?"

"Yeah. I asked her about dinner. She said tomorrow night. Is that too soon?" Gabby asks, assuming Maura is just looking to find out how the invite went.

"What? Oh. Right. That's fine. Have you seen Jane?"

There's an urgency in Maura's voice that sets off Gabby's spider sense. "No. I haven't. What's going on?"

There's momentary silence, which Gabby interprets as Maura thinking her way through her response, which does not bode well. "Maura?" She prompts.

"Rachael and Melissa apparently nearly kissed yesterday and I'm not exactly sure what happened between Jane and Melissa when this came out, but Jane isn't answering her phone and Melissa is currently curled up in Kelly's arms sobbing profusely."

Gabby rubs the back of her head with her free hand as her eyes gravitate towards the office Rachael is currently inhabiting. Of course she couldn't leave well enough alone. She shakes her head in aggravation as it occurs to her that whatever happened after that almost kiss is probably what got her would-be friend in a tizzy to call in the early hours of the morning. She should have fucking known it was never about her.

"I'll keep an eye out but I don't…"

Gabby doesn't finish her thought because a whirlwind of motion in her peripheral vision causes her to turn on her heels and watch as Jane strides purposefully across the bullpen. "Uh, Maura, I gotta go."

She ends the call and pockets her phone as she quickly navigates around a couple of desks and slides between Jane and the door handle. Jane's eyes are wild and the look on her face is downright deadly. This is not good.

"We need to talk." Gabby says firmly, motioning in the direction of the break room.

"It can wait. Get out of my way." Jane hisses.

Gabby feels like she's looking into a mirror from a different time. She knows that if she ever discovered Melissa's affair with Rachael before everything that happened, she'd be in Jane's shoes. She would have absolutely wanted to beat the snot out of her best friend for betraying her. But that would have been a mistake then and it is definitely a mistake now.

"Jane," she says quietly, keeping her voice down so that the looky loos can't hear her. "Not here. Not now."

"You don't understand." Jane hisses.

Gabby stares at Jane with absolute incredulity. If anybody understands the pain of finding out Melissa has kissed, or almost kissed Rachael, it's her. "Seriously?

Jane's eyes narrow as her attention moves from the door behind her, directly onto Gabby's eyes. "She is fuckin with Missy's head, Gabby."

"Yeah that was inevitable and you know it. This doesn't change that. This doesn't fix it. All this does is make it worse. So come on, let's walk. Let's take a breath, okay?"

Gabby hopes Jane takes her up on it because she can see Inspector Freeman standing in the doorway of his office looking in their direction with interest. Jane does not need him to be paying such close attention to her and quite frankly neither does she. She presses her hands firmly against Jane's chest and nods in the direction of Freeman. "Now!"

Jane's teeth grind together and her hands flex in and out of fists but she nods and backs down. Gabby falls in by her side as they navigate their way out of the bullpen.

Out in the hall Gabby asks, "Did you leave Missy over an almost kiss?"

Jane throws a hand out across her chest to halt her momentum and when she looks into her eyes she sees a world of pain she wasn't expecting. Jane shakes her head and says, "No, I wouldn't. But she tried to leave me."

Gabby's brow furrows as she wrestles with that thought. Surely she didn't hear correctly. "Missy tried to break up with you?"

"Yeah," Jane's voice is cold, "Because of that bitch back there."

Gabby feels absolutely sick to her stomach and immediately starts walking towards the parking garage. If Melissa ever looked at her the way she looked at Jane, they'd have never broken up. If Melissa had ever loved her nearly as much as she loves Jane, they'd be married with kids by now. "And what, you left before she could?"

"Yeah. I feel like an asshole, cause I know she's spiralling, but I couldn't stay and let her rip my heart out of my chest like that. I don't think we'd survive that."

"I swear to God you're a fucking idiot, Jane. She is so in love with you that no matter what ridiculous reason she has in her head, the ramifications of her trying to leave and you walking out on her..."

Gabby doesn't have the heart to finish that sentence. She's just thankful that Melissa is with Kelly and Maura right now. That she is somewhere safe, because if she was trying to leave Jane then there's a good chance she was just trying to cut ties to make it easier to give up. She glances sideways and sees Jane has gone completely pale. Yup, she gets it. Part of her really wants to rub it in and make sure Jane feels it, but that is an asshole move and she's got a pact with Jane to be each other's rock at times like this. So being an asshole is definitely out.

Gabby puts her hand out and gently guides Jane's hand with her phone in it back down by her side. "She's at Maura's, so for now she's okay. You two really need to talk and while I don't know what's happening in her head, I do know you can't run like that."

Jane looks relieved but she grits her teeth and responds, "I wasn't running, I was protecting her from my anger. I didn't want to say something I couldn't take back."

Gabby just lets Jane's comments soak in because perhaps Jane was right to leave because anger would have only escalated the situation and made it even worse. It would have given Melissa all the hurt she needed to fuel a very bad decision.

They walk in silence until they enter the parking garage at which point Jane places a hand on her wrist. "Why would Missy go to Maura's?"

"To talk to Kelly again, I presume."

"Again?"

"Yeah. They talked last night."

---

Jane sucks in a deep breath. She's not ready for this. Lord is she not ready for this. "Wait." She says as Gabby starts to put the key in the front door.

Gabby pulls the key back and turns her head in Jane's direction. "What?"

Jane isn't sure what to say. She's just not ready to face this. Her inner voice is bombarding her with insecure, worried what ifs. What if Melissa really does want out? What if it isn't just a self destructive spiral that simply needs navigating cautiously? What if she's still in love with Rachael?

The last thought is extra painful and from the look on Gabby's face she can read all of her thoughts like an open book. Jane looks down at her feet, not wanting to look at the pity in Gabby's eyes any longer.

Gabby's hand finds her shoulder and she is surprisingly gentle when she says, "Don't go down that rabbit hole, Jane. The stuff with Rachael is insignificant. Not only did she leave, she left Missy behind thinking she was dead. There's a lot that needs processing there, but it doesn't mean Missy is ever going to want her back."

"They almost kissed," Jane hisses, keeping her voice low.

"But they didn't." Gabby says firmly, dragging Jane's attention directly onto her. She makes a motion with her hands between their eyes, Jane presumes it's to make sure she's paying attention. Then she says, "Look, I can't trust a damn thing Missy does anymore. I've been burned too many times, but the only reason she was able to burn me that much is because when she loves someone, Jane, you know it. You feel it and it makes you feel so freakin' alive. You have that and quite frankly, I'm a little mad that you not only have that but you have the best version of her. She is giving you more effort than I ever saw at the end there. For you she's trying and she's probably still gonna fuck up, trust that. But also, trust her love for you Jane."

Gabby's eyes are filled with a raw pain and Jane doesn't know what to say and isn't sure how comfortable she feels about it. Their own bond is clearly strengthening though, which is something at least and she desperately wants to trust what Gabby is saying because she's right. Melissa makes her feel so damn alive it isn't funny. The doubts remain though, thanks in large part to Melissa trying to leave her. "I don't trust Rachael and the influence she has over her."

Gabby sighs and shakes her head. She looks skywards and Jane suspects she's praying for patience. Either that or searching her brain for a better way to get through the emotional barriers that are flying up faster than she can bring them down. "I swear to God Jane, sometimes I just want to strangle you."

Jane grins. It's the first moment of normalcy she feels like she's experienced all day. "I know the feeling."

"Don't make the same mistakes I did. Don't let your jealousy get the better of you, because nothing will push her into Rachael's arms faster than the mistrust that comes along with it. Trust me. I learned that the hard way."

If there is one benefit to Gabby's romantic history with Melissa it's this right here. It is when she provides valuable insight and while there's a huge part of her that would love to set the record straight on this one, Jane knows Melissa and Maura both do not want to risk a fatal reaction from Gabby if the truth comes out. If she had a say in it she would tell Gabby. She ponders how bad the fallout would be if she rips that band aid off and keeps Gabby in check so that she doesn't get homicidal. It wouldn't be that bad would it?

"What?" Gabby asks, swiping at her face with her hand.

Jane shakes her head and forces a slight chuckle, apparently she was staring while debating the merits of coming clean. She decides she has enough on her plate right now, but she tables the thought for another day. She looks to deflect a little with a cheeky comment, "You know I hate it when you're right."

"Don't worry, the feeling is mutual. Are you ready to go inside now?"

Jane shrugs, not really feeling it. This whole situation is crappy. She desperately doesn't want to lose Melissa, but at the same time she's a bit mad. Not to mention jealous of the fact Melissa has been running back to her wife when things have been tough. It grinds her gears just a bit.

Gabby opens the door and walks inside. Jane stands on the porch for a moment, taking the necessary time to strengthen her resolve. After stepping across the threshold and closing the front door behind her, Jane turns and her eyes immediately look through the open living room door. Across the room on the couch Melissa is curled against Kelly's side with an arm strewn haphazardly across her middle. There's something about the scene that has her seeing red.

"Jane," Gabby says in a low voice from just behind her while placing a calming hand firmly against her shoulder. "Let it go. It's not important."

Jane wonders when she became so damn easy to read. She glances behind her at Gabby, appreciating the solidarity and the support. This is precisely the situation where she needs help to be her best self for the woman she loves and Gabby is taking their pact seriously. Jane gently pats the hand on her shoulder in thanks before stepping into the room.

Now that she's close she hears the soft snores that indicate Melissa has actually fallen asleep in her current position. Kelly's arm is wrapped around her like a protective blanket and it really does take everything within not to blow it all out of proportion, especially when Kelly offers what she assumes is meant to be a conciliatory smile.

Jane's teeth grind together and she stares long and hard at the two women on the couch. As much as she tries to swallow it all down, she knows her face is highly expressive and usually against her will. There's no doubt the look on her face is far from friendly, confirmed in her mind when Kelly's eyes look elsewhere in the room. Kelly might not want to meet her eyes, but Jane has no issue staring at the side of her face intently.

A soft touch on her arm breaks her focus as she flicks her eyes towards the well manicured hand touching her forearm. She turns her head and lifts her eyes where they lock with Maura's worried hazel orbs. No words are said between them, none are needed. Maura's touch screams 'I have your back' and Jane's eyes offer a silent 'thank you' that she knows her best friend understands when she smiles back softly and steps past her.

Jane breathes a lot easier with the knowledge that Maura has been in the room this whole time. It reminds her that this isn't a normal situation. Melissa no doubt showed up at the door highly emotional and Kelly did what she needed to do to calm her down and reduce her stress. She did no different than she herself would do for Maura if she had a huge fight with Gabby and any residual jealousy is just insecurity. She realises she should be thankful that even after having her heart ripped out of her chest by them both that Kelly finds a kindness and generosity of spirit to be a secondary support system.

Jane sighs heavily as she looks back towards her girlfriend and locks eyes with Kelly once again. This time she offers a soft nod and hopes that Kelly understands her appreciation of what she's done and is still doing. She retreats back into the foyer where Gabby and Maura are hugging tightly. She watches and waits for them to break apart.

When they do, two sets of eyes look expectantly at her for an explanation as to why she is out here and not in there. At least that's the way she interprets the faces looking at her. "She's sleeping."

Jane turns her focus specifically to Maura and asks, "Has she said much?"

Maura shakes her head lightly before going on to explain, "No. She showed up deeply distressed and Kelly managed to calm her down somewhat, but she hasn't been overly verbal."

Jane rolls her neck and then rubs at the base of it with her hand. She's feeling tense and while Maura isn't outright voicing it, her face is clearly asking the question of what happened? Answers she herself wishes she had.

"There's nothing else going on?" Gabby asks, a clearly thoughtful but concerned look on her face. Jane suspects that now she's seen Melissa first hand that she's putting more thought into the cause of the seemingly out of the blue break up attempt. "Besides the almost kiss, I mean?"

"We've been discussing the future possibility of kids and yesterday she seemed pretty excited about the idea. Today she was backtracking and before I could even respond she's telling me I'd be better off without her." Jane explains in the hopes that perhaps there's more insight she can obtain from Gabby, because at this point she'll take any help she can get.

Gabby doesn't even blink; she simply nods and continues thinking. Jane can't help but glance beside her at Maura just to make sure she's doing alright and it's just a trace, but Jane catches something in her eyes that indicates she's surprised. Jane doesn't say anything, instead she turns her attention back to the living room, seeking comfort from the almost peaceful look on her girlfriend's sleeping face. She would give just about anything to ensure Melissa could feel that level of peace in her waking hours too. She really hopes they can work this out.

"I can't speak for her," Gabby says quietly, drawing Jane's attention back onto her. "But I think something has definitely got her overthinking, because even at sixteen she knew she wanted kids when she grew up and got married."

Before Jane can formulate a response, Maura quietly excuses herself to go and make some lunch for everyone. Jane watches the confusion spread on Gabby's face as she watches Maura walk away. She turns back to Jane and asks, "What's that all about?"

Jane has her suspicions, but they're only suspicions and it isn't worth any potential hurt or drama to air them so she simply shrugs. "I think she's just being Maura. Always the hostess."

Gabby nods, seemingly agreeing. "I think I'll go check on her. Make sure she's okay."

Jane watches her leave, feeling grateful that Gabby knows Maura well enough to know when something is bothering her. Maura needs that in her life, someone who not only catches moments like this but isn't afraid to do the necessary follow up work. She's glad that her best friend has found someone who loves her enough to put in the effort.

Movement at the corner of her eye draws her attention. She looks back into the living room and sees Kelly beckoning her with her hand. She mentally fortifies herself and walks into the room. She watches as Kelly motions towards the spot on the couch next to Melissa and quickly realises what she intends. Jane sits down in the spot suggested and eagerly wraps her arm around Melissa when she is gently cajoled into moving. She tucks in against Jane's side and goes right back to sleep.

Kelly's eyes are soft and Jane recognises that most of that softness is reserved for Melissa, but when their eyes meet she realises that Kelly isn't a threat. She is so damn genuine in her affection for Melissa that all she wants is what's best for her and the swapping positions she just initiated was her way of making sure that Jane understands it.

Jane mouths a silent, "Thank you."

Kelly nods and leaves the room.

They sit there like that, Jane wrapped protectively around Melissa for quite some time. Jane doesn't really know how much time ticks by, but enough of it passes that Maura reappears and quietly explains that she, Gabby and Kelly are going to go outside into the backyard so that she and Melissa may have some privacy. She then disappears like she was never there.

Jane finds herself looking around this room that hasn't really changed much. Every time she is back in this house as a guest it starts to get a little easier. She doesn't feel so at home anymore, but then she doesn't really feel like a stranger either. It's almost, but not quite where she was at when they were back in Boston. It is surreal to think she would ever find herself in this position again, but assuming she can fix whatever is happening in Melissa's head, she knows it is for the best. Maura looks like she's absolutely glowing, even in the midst of what has to be one of the most stressful times of her entire adult life. Gabby is clearly good for her.

Jane snorts a little in amusement and then freezes up, worrying that she may have woken Melissa. After a few seconds of no stirring she lets out a relieved breath and smirks to herself. She never in a million years could have imagined there would be a time where she would ever think that Gabby is good for Maura. Talk about some unexpected growth.

At this rate though, Melissa is going to find herself well and truly back in Maura's badbooks, which Jane wants to avoid as much as she wants to avoid being dumped. She sighs heavily.

It's hard sitting around waiting for this potential conversation from Hell to begin, but at the same time it is the first real quiet moment she's had in a long time where she can simply breathe and try to push everything out of her head. She needs to because there's still some frustration and anger simmering away below the surface, but she understands that Gabby is right about how her attitude could very well make things worse. So she tries to meditate while Melissa continues to sleep.

Every time Jane gets close to finding a moment of true peace, however, her mind is inundated with thoughts of Rachael. She grits her teeth and tries to keep her body relaxed, this meditation thing is not working for her.

Thankfully Melissa begins to stir and Jane watches as she straightens up and stretches her arms out above her head. Melissa's eyes fall on her and it's obvious by the furrowing of her brow and the subsequent widening of her eyes that she is surprised by her presence. "You came back?"

"Yeah." Jane says quietly, "Because leaving doesn't change anything."

Jane didn't intend to send Melissa's last words right back at her, but they feel fitting. They could be viewed as a little passive aggressive, but mostly, Jane just wants Melissa to know that no matter which one of them leaves it doesn't change anything. It hurts all the same.

It becomes apparent very quickly that Melissa doesn't know what to do with herself. She looks like she wants to say something, but her mouth opens only to close again. She fidgets with her hands in her lap before eventually giving up and standing. Her eyes wander everywhere around the room, which Jane doesn't interpret as a good sign. All these mixed signals are starting to do her head in.

Jane stands up and tries to make eye contact, when she finally has some she tries to initiate a conversation. "Maura says you were pretty distraught when you arrived. Are you alright?"

It is, she realises, quite possibly the dumbest question she has ever asked in her life and that's saying something given her job is centered around asking questions. However Jane doesn't know where else to start, because it feels like a bad idea to launch with a question about their relationship and whether or not they still have one.

"I can't even begin to explain how not alright I am." Melissa says quietly.

"That makes two of us."

Melissa shakes her head and looks away, she looks to Jane like she's trying to find words or fortify herself. She eventually looks back and she says, "I wasn't trying to…"

"Make decisions about what's best for me? Disregard what I was saying? Leave? Break my heart? Are those some of the things you weren't trying to do?" Jane snaps back with a little unintended venom, immediately regretting it.

Hurt flashes across Melissa's face.

Jane puts her hands up in front of her chest and motions them both down towards the ground, "I'm sorry. I'm just struggling to understand what the Hell happened between yesterday afternoon and today, because this feels like it's come out of nowhere."

"I don't want to talk about it here." Melissa says as her head turns towards the open living room door.

"Then why the Hell did you come here?" Jane snaps back, realising that she is not close to having control of her own emotions. She is yo-yoing all over the place. "Because you know she's here. You're just lucky she was out when you got here, or all of your attempts to hide the truth from her would have unraveled. She's not stupid, Missy."

"Stop."

"Stop what?" Jane fires back. "She's outside with Maura and Kelly. She ain't going to hear shit. Although if you ask me this is bullshit hiding this from her. She deserves to know."

"And then what?" Melissa asks quietly, a deep intensity burning in her eyes. It's enough to send Jane rocking back on her heels. "She just lost Alexis, Jane. She doesn't need another reason to feel like she's let someone down. I don't even think she can deal with the truth right now. She will lose her shit."

"I won't let her." Jane says, calming her energy to match Melissa's, realising that arcing up and letting her anger and frustration win is not going to get them anywhere. Even if they're choosing to ignore what really matters right now to debate something that isn't even a debate. Not really. It's Melissa's truth to tell. Still, she does believe there are broader ramifications of not telling Gabby about Rachael's teenage extracurricular activities, if she finds out down the track. "I won't let her throw her life away over this, alright?"

Melissa stares at her in a way that is chilling. Jane feels like she's looking right into her soul and not in a good way. "And where did you go after you left Monica's?"

Jane lets out a long, heavy sigh and drops her head. She turns away from Melissa and walks over to the window. She watches as Gabby tells an apparently animated story, her hands gesticulating wildly while Maura laughs at her. She looks so happy. It's a stark contrast to what's happening inside the house right now, because she is far from happy. She turns back to Melissa who is watching her closely and admits, "I went to the station to confront Rachael."

"Exactly. You really think you're gonna stop her from doing the same?"

"She stopped me."

"I didn't fall in love with your best friend while we were together, Jane. You certainly haven't carried that anger, resentment and loathing for a decade either. If she even gets a whiff of what happened when we were teenagers, there's not going to be any stopping her. She's going to kill Rachael."

Jane rubs the back of her neck and averts her gaze over towards the mantle. She can't even argue with Melissa right now, because the truth is on her side. Gabby is too damn unstable and Jane knows she is being foolish thinking she could ever control Gabby if she truly lost her shit. She worries for Maura though, because Maura is keeping a secret that has some serious ramifications if it ever comes out. It doesn't take a genius to work out how betrayed Gabby is going to feel, it only takes half a second to think how she'd feel if the situation were reversed and she's ready to burn the city down to get to Rachael too.

"You're right," Melissa says, closing the distance between them. She takes both of Jane's hands in hers and looks up earnestly into her eyes, "I shouldn't have come here."

Jane's breathing which had started to become a little erratic with the intensity of the thoughts swirling in her head begins to even out as she calms down, in large part due to their physical connection. She feels that spark that's always been there between them and it reminds her that this woman means so much to her. That there's a reason they're having this conversation, even if it is getting waylaid by her petty jealousies and bullheaded feelings about keeping Gabby in the dark.

Still she needs to understand what's happening and the only way she can is if they talk. So she asks the question Melissa still needs to answer, "So why did you come here?"

Melissa is silent while she attempts to best formulate her words, but Jane feels like they're making progress because she doesn't pull away and she maintains eye contact. "Because Kel listens."

There's no anger or malice, in fact Melissa sounds like she's being as honest as she can. There's more to it obviously, and it takes Jane a moment to make sure all edge is out of her voice. She wants to make sure that her question is received as genuine and not defensive in any way, because it could so easily come across that way. She takes a deep breath. "I don't?"

Melissa squeezes her hands and offers a sad smile. "To be fair, you kind of left. I took one look at Monica and as much as I love that woman to death, she is not backwards in coming forward."

Jane chuckles a little and brings her forehead to rest against Melissa's. All the petty jealousy she was feeling about Melissa running to Kelly truly melts away because she is starting to get it. "That's why you came to her last night too?"

"I was scared. I really thought I had crossed a line we couldn't come back from." Melissa admits quietly. "She knows how to calm me down, Jane. She's spent the better part of three years doing it and I knew that I could trust her to be honest."

Jane presses a kiss against Melissa's forehead and pulls back to make eye contact. There's a significant difference between the way Monica delivers her direct blunt honesty and Kelly's softer, gentler more understanding empathy. Monica is more than capable of the latter, but from what Jane understands she prefers the tough love approach. It's definitely been her own experience anyway. She totally understands why at a time of deep emotional upheaval Melissa might not gravitate towards that style of communication.

Still, Jane needs to be one hundred percent sure. She is running an investigation to determine the cause of Melissa's downward spiral, so she has to ask. She has to know. "Is that all it is?"

Melissa's eyes widen a little in surprise and immediately her hand shoots up and cups Jane's cheek. "Honey, no. No, no, no. That's not even a thing, my heart beats for you. She knows that. Better than anyone."

Which begs the question. "So then why? Why did you try to leave me?"

Melissa averts her gaze, right out the window down below them. Jane follows and sees that she's looking at Gabby. Jane returns her gaze to Melissa's face even as she continues to look out the window. She sees how guilty Melissa feels, it's written loudly across her face and it dawns on Jane that this is so much more complicated than she thought.

"Missy?"

Melissa looks back at her. "I didn't get any sleep last night. Even though Kelly reminded me how much you love me, I couldn't shake my fears of history repeating. I already carry the weight of breaking one good woman, I don't want to carry the weight of breaking another."

The guilt and shame in Melissa's voice is outweighed by a very heavy sadness. It strikes Jane hard and all she wants to do is reach out and pull Melissa into her arms and tell her it is going to be okay, but she can't do that. She can't because her girlfriend is carrying the weight of the world on her shoulders and as a woman who does it herself she knows better. At least in this instance.

"Missy, no." Jane is soft in her approach, gently brushing her hand through her girlfriend's hair repeatedly and making sure she has her attention. "You are no more responsible for her choices and her actions than you are mine."

"But I'm responsible for my own, Jane. I put her through Hell. I betrayed her and then I begged and begged and begged for another chance and when she finally gave it, I left her behind to chase my dreams and then when things got real nasty I turned to her and promised it would be different and you know how it went after that. She is a broken woman and I did that, Jane." Melissa says firmly, jabbing herself in the chest. "Me. Not her. Me."

Jane is the one that breaks their eye contact because having it all laid out in front of her like that is pretty damn chilling. She wants to point out that a lot of what started her down that path to betraying and hurting Gabby as she has is all Rachael and the grooming she did as a teenager. Oh boy that just makes it hit home even harder how rough it would be for Gabby if she were to find out.

Jane takes a deep breath and looks back at Melissa, "Firstly, she chose to stay in your life. She chose to let you back in, both times. Yeah, you did some real shitty things, but you've also been through a crap tonne of trauma."

"That's not an excuse."

"It's not an excuse, it's a reason. You've just been doing the best you can, Missy. Just like Gabby. Could you have both made different decisions? Absolutely, but carrying this weight on your shoulders is only going to hold you down."

Melissa shakes her head, it's clear she doesn't want to listen to the truth from Jane's perspective, which is frustrating, but Jane tries to understand. She tries to be patient, Lord knows she's held on to the choices she made that led to Melissa nearly dying at the hands of a madman this entire time too. It has been a futile effort from both Maura and Melissa to get her to let it go, so she figures the least she can do is try to understand. Because if anything, she absolutely gets what it's like to struggle with guilt.

"You think I don't get it? The way the guilt eats at you?" Jane questions, reaching out and grazing her fingers across the scar on Melissa's neck. "Trust me, I get it."

"Jane," Melissa's voice is firm and it's exactly what Jane's expecting. "What happened to me is not your fault."

"I chose to watch you choose her without even fighting against it. I just let you hand me off to Maura. I let you walk away."

"Jane, stop. Please."

Jane sees the tears welling in Melissa's eyes and she ignores it because she's halfway to successfully making her point, "At Monica's wedding, I knew she was going to propose to you. I let her walk right into that broken heart."

Melissa takes a step back, looking at her in complete bewilderment. "You… you knew?"

Jane feels her frustration grow as Melissa clings to the wrong damn thing, "By not intervening I essentially allowed you to go off to a new city that is a Hell of a lot more dangerous than this one, unprotected and unprepared." Her eyes drift toward the scar that reminds her everyday what almost happened because of her own decisions. "So yeah, trust me. I fucking get it."

"I was hunted down by a lunatic Australian with way too many screws loose. We are still being hunted by that lunatic. It had nothing to do with what you did or didn't do." Melissa declares, a little exasperation in her voice.

"Precisely." Jane says triumphantly, watching, waiting, hoping to God Melissa gets it. That yes she is responsible for her actions and yes they may have had an impact on Gabby's actions, but at the end of the day Gabby is a grown ass woman who could have sought out therapy or cut ties or done countless other things to prevent the way their lives turned out.

Melissa sighs and turns her back. Jane watches her walk around the front of the couch, all the while shaking her head and mumbling, "It isn't the same. It isn't even close to the same."

Jane glances towards the ceiling, praying to God for the patience she needs in this moment. Briefly wondering if this is what it feels like for those she loves when she gets stubborn like this? After a cursory glance through the window to make sure they are in fact still alone in the house, Jane walks around to the couch and kneels down in front of Melissa. She takes her hands in her own and says, "You're right, it's not."

Melissa's eyes well up with even more tears and it tugs on Jane's heart strings. She hates when her girlfriend cries. She hates that she can't protect her from all of the heartache and guilt. Melissa's voice is small when she says, "I don't ever want to hurt you like I've hurt her."

"And you haven't. Missy, sweetheart, you cannot let yourself get caught up in your guilt. It will stop you from seeing what's in front of you. You'll be so wrapped up in what you're trying to avoid that you'll only end up leading yourself down that path anyway." Jane explains softly, feeling her heart lurch around as she better understands how her own actions around her own guilt contributed to leading them here.

"When I was drinking and I told you to…" she can't even bring herself to say it, but Melissa nods to indicate she has heard and she understands. "The guilt from that nearly destroyed us, Missy. All I could feel was guilt, it got in the way of everything else. I couldn't see how much I loved you and I made decisions I regret because of it. I let you walk away because of it. Because I couldn't possibly deserve you after having the gall to say that to your face."

"Jane," Melissa's voice is soft as she pulls Jane's hands to her lips and gently kisses her knuckles. "You are long forgiven."

Jane rocks back on her haunches, pulling her hands away. It's an unexpected upheaval she's feeling. It has taken weeks and weeks and weeks of introspection to even begin to understand the decisions she's made and while she has understood for a while that she has never stopped loving Melissa, she couldn't quite figure out what had caused her to bury it so deep she couldn't feel it. This guilt that she feels, this guilt she is using to try and educate has very much been her own undoing and understanding that is leaving her feeling stripped bare.

And bold. And empowered.

She locks onto Melissa's eyes and she knows she has her serious face on, as she should. It needs to be. "I need you to hear me right now, okay?"

Melissa nods.

"I am not okay with what happened today. I'm not even talking about the kids thing. You're entitled to feel how you feel, but you could at least ask me how I feel before trying to make some unilateral decision that impacts my entire life. You know?"

Melissa nods, her tears now running thick and fast. It's obvious to Jane that she's feeling a fresh guilt. This guilt she's accepting of, because it means she is hearing her. She is feeling her pain.

"Don't tell me what I do and don't deserve. I'm a grown ass woman, Missy. If I don't want to be here, I'll tell you. I know what I can and cannot handle and yeah, shit might happen. It might hit the fan and it might get messy, but I have been and continue to choose this fight and you. I will always choose you."

Melissa reaches out with her hand and Jane takes it, allowing her to help her up. Jane sits down next to her on the couch and is immediately straddled. Melissa's hands cup her cheeks and she leans in for a kiss, which Jane welcomes readily. There's an urgency Melissa expresses with each grazing of their lips and the flicking of her tongue. Their kiss becomes a lot more heated when Jane's hands grab a hold of Melissa's hips and drag her as close as she possibly can. She needs this, a moment to express her passion and desire. A reminder of the fire that burns between them, a fire that cannot be extinguished by fear.

When they break apart for oxygen, Melissa buries her lips against Jane's neck and she takes the opportunity to finish what she was trying to say. "So you have a choice," she pants out, her breath hitching a little when Melissa starts suckling on her pulse point. "You can trust me, or you can leave me."

"It's not you I don't trust," Melissa explains as her lips kiss their way to Jane's collar bone.

Jane throws her neck to the side allowing Melissa easier access to the entire area. It isn't how she pictured having this conversation, but she'll take it. Besides, Melissa knows precisely what she's doing. Jane bites back a moan and closes her eyes as she tries to focus on the important stuff. "I trust you. You have worked your ass off for me and for us. If something does happen… ohh, yup, fuck. We'll… yeah, we'll deal with it then."

Melissa's hand slides up underneath her shirt and gently starts kneading her breast. "I want you," her girlfriend husks out in a lower octave that drives Jane wild.

"Uh huh." Jane's brain is melting to mush, because it has been a day. She knows deep down that this is the last thing they should be doing and that this might even be Melissa's way of dealing with difficult emotions. But at least she's doing it with her. She is here, touching her and not elsewhere, touching someone else.

Melissa's other hand starts working on her belt buckle and Jane doesn't even open her eyes, she just reaches down and helps her and then she feels Melissa as she slides beneath the band of her boy shorts.

"Seriously?"

Jane's eyes snap open and hone in on Kelly standing there in the doorway looking absolutely fucking appalled. Melissa buries her face against her chest and starts laughing, which causes a full on belly laugh to rip from Jane's body. She shakes as Melissa snaps her hand free and tries to help do up her pants.

Jane finally manages, "Terrible timing, Kel."

Kelly rolls her eyes, turns on her heel and leaves.

"Yeah, we should probably wait." Jane says, realising that she really did allow herself to get caught up.

"Mmmhm." Melissa agrees, rolling over to the side. Her hand rests on Jane's knee as she casually says, "Poor Kelly. First it was listening to Gabby bang Maura into oblivion last night, and today it's this."

Jane shudders at the visual, mostly because she doesn't like the idea of thinking about Gabby being buck naked at all. She throws Melissa a perturbed look and says, "Stop, you're making me feel sorry for her."

Melissa leans over and places a soft kiss on her cheek before sinking back into the couch. Jane finds her hand with her own and holds onto it. They sit that way in silence for several minutes.

"I do choose you, you know." Melissa says, breaking them out of their quiet little trance.

"I know."

"I shouldn't have…"

"I know."

"I'm scared."

Jane turns her head so that she can look at Melissa's face, "Of what?"

"Of whatever the Hell she's done to me." Melissa looks quite pale and is making Jane a little nervous, but at the end of the day, this is what she signed up for. The good, the bad and the downright ugly. "Consciously I don't wanna be anywhere near her, Jane. But I just can't seem to move when she's around."

Jane takes a breath and squeezes Melissa's hand encouragingly. Her brain is reminding her of what Melissa said earlier about how easy Kelly is to talk to, because she listens and she's gentle. She wants to jump in with an explanation about fight, flight or freeze, but first wants Melissa to get all of it out.

"And when she started leaning in to kiss me…" Melissa's voice trails out, like she's remembering where she is and who she is talking to and it causes Jane's heart to clench a little. It's not an easy topic, but if her girlfriend cannot feel free and safe talking to her it is going to be hard to have a healthy relationship.

"I'm not judging," Jane says quietly, looking as earnest as she can. "I'm trying this listening thing."

Melissa sighs and offers a sad smile. "I felt like physically at least, I wanted it. But then she opened her mouth to speak and it was like the chains that had been holding me back broke and I was ready to fight. I did not want to be there."

Jane leans forward and presses a kiss to Melissa's forehead and then sits back in her spot and looks straight ahead. She is grinning ear to ear and she has no doubt that Melissa is confused. She is just so proud of her girlfriend for breaking out of the freeze reaction to start fighting against what she did not want. It astounds her that any part of Melissa thought this is something she would view badly.

"You're not hurt?"

"Why would I be?"

"A part of me wanted it, Jane."

Jane shakes her head. She doesn't know if Melissa's bodily reaction was because of muscle memory, grooming, simply biological or the beginnings of a fawn response, which in and of itself is a little worrying, but what she does know is that Melissa's heart remained true and she was willing to fight. Rachael being aware of the effect she has, is terrifying, if Jane is going to be honest, but she refuses to feel hurt or bad about this.

"With all due respect sweetheart, when it comes to Rachael, I ain't trusting a damn thing your body says. All I care about is what your heart and mind want."

"But what if I…"

"You won't."

"You don't know that."

"I do."

"But I could…"

Jane turns and focuses directly on Melissa's anxious face and quite firmly states, "I trust you."

Melissa nods once and settles back into the couch. After a few minutes she says, "I still don't know about kids."

"That's alright," Jane replies softly.

There's silence for a minute or so.

"How does that make you feel?"

"Sad."

More silence follows. Jane squeezes Melissa's hand, not wanting her to get too deep in her head about it, because she's not worried. She trusts her own instincts and she knows what she saw yesterday. She knows that in her heart Melissa absolutely wants children. She also knows that now is not the time to be making a big deal out of it. Melissa has too much on her plate.

"And you still choose me?"

Jane's smile is soft. She turns her head and nods. She reaches out with her hand and cups Melissa's cheek, revelling in the way she leans into it. "Every single time."

---

A/N: I hope you enjoyed this update. Thanks for hanging in there, I know its a very long, very windy, very frustrating at times road, but we're getting there slowly. Cracks are starting to appear.

All that being said, how are y'all feeling? Is Jane setting herself up to be hurt? Will Missy be able to fight the thrall of Rachael in the long run? Also, Kelly, man... she is really going through it right now, huh?