Isekaied by an inept Fanfiction Writer into Harry Potter
A story by DaManWriter, the inept Fanfiction Writer.
Disclaimer: If I did own Harry Potter or any other franchise that might get mentioned in this work, I'd relax on a tropical island right now instead of writing a disclaimer. I just borrow the characters for a bit and return them unharmed. Infrequently.
Chapter 15
A fucking Xenomorph Queen? Holy shit! That girl must have watched the second Alien movie!
Naturally some brain dead inbred fucktard sent a cutter at it. Acid blood ran down the creature's left leg and pooled on the floor. Hissing and steaming it ate into the ancient building. Will it dissolve the stone all the way down to the potions classroom? Maybe drip on Snape's head and decompose the sludge the greasy wanker called a brain? Harry sure hoped so.
Enough daydreaming. There's still shit to be done right now.
"Everyone stay back! That Queen is absurdly dangerous! Don't attack it, either!"
Queen? As it seemed Potter knew what the creature was several of the students decided to listen to him, the others soon followed.
Lupin shoved the head of the monster back while it's secondary jaws kept snapping out trying to bite the man's face off. A shield kept the ribbed tail at bay that swished around and tried to impale the man. Harry shot several small incendios at the creature to distract it.
"Professor Lupin, listen to me if you want to live. Do nothing that might cut it open. Fire works best. Now give it a good hard kick and jump back!"
He did and Harry sent his fire war spell as powerful as he could manage at the monster. While impressive looking and quite reasonably powerful it was only able to keep the hissing and spitting Alien Queen back for a few seconds. Enough time for Remus to cast a fire rope that circled around, bound and stopped the snarling creature. It struggled trying to free itself and bite something, anything. Lupin and Harry stayed far enough away of the black monstrosity so it's tail couldn't reach them. The room smelled as if several students had shitted blue lights.
The DADA teacher looked at his one student who seemed to know the creature.
"What in Merlin's name is that thing?"
"This is a Xenomorph Queen, a space monster starring in a recent muggle movie. It is absurdly strong, builds a hive like insects and has acid for blood. It kills anything that can move, if you're lucky."
For a moment Lupin wondered what happens if one was unlucky, then decided he didn't want to know. He sealed all the windows with a bunch of spells.
"Everyone out! Boggarts turn back to their normal form within minutes if the source of the fear they have locked onto is gone! Get going!"
Once out of the room Harry grinned.
"That was both the coolest and most fucked up class at Hogwarts ever!"
Remus Lupin remained true to himself and never tried to talk to the son of his dead so called friends once outside of class. This suited Harry just fine, as far as he was concerned Lupin simply was completely irrelevant.
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Since he had free time Harry went to Moaning Myrtle's bathroom. The ghost was not there, which was very welcome. Harry hissed at the marked sink and the entrance to the Chamber of Secrets opened for him. He jumped into the opening and slid down the slimy tube. After cleaning the grime off his robe he walked to the doors decorated with snakes. One hiss later he was inside the Chamber. Marching around the huge corpse of the basilisk he thought that selling the thing to the goblins might be a grand idea.
For now Harry had something else in mind, though. He walked along the walls of the chamber looking for indications of hidden doors. It was good that the place was very well lit. Quite a feat for charms without maintenance for a millennium. Slytherin sure knew what he was doing.
After more than an hour of examining walls Harry found a tiny engraved snake, similar to the one on the sink.
"Open!"
One good hiss and he could enter the corridor leading who knew where. Several minutes, some bends and two stairs up later there was a dead end with another snake. Having no idea where he was Harry pulled out the Marauders Map to check if someone was on the other side of that wall. Nope, nobody around.
Harry gave the command and a doorway opened. He marched through into a corridor on the fifth floor, not far from the moving stairs.
"Fuck!"
Instead of a library or some hidden stash he found another exit.
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At dinner Dumbledore called Harry to the Staff Table.
"Harry, your mirrored glasses are quite... extravagant. I want you to remove them and wear your normal ones."
Said student smiled pleasantly at the old headmaster while thinking unpleasant thoughts.
Eat shit and die, goat fucker!
Of course he said something different. Well, not that this was all that much more polite.
"Considering your and Snape's love for mind rape I don't think so."
Dumbledore fired up some privacy charms. He hoped he was fast enough to prevent the bunch of students who obviously were eavesdropping from hearing more of the quite particular conversation. Obliviating was such a chore!
"That is Professor Snape."
Oh, he doesn't try to deny they like mind raping?
"I start calling him Professor as soon as he starts acting like a teacher instead of an immature arse."
The headmaster frowned. Was that a smile on Flitwick's face? It was!
Sitting not far away the greasy git looked at the boy-who-lived like you look at a particularly clingy piece of shit on your shoe.
"That makes 20 points for bad mouthing a teacher, Potter!"
Grinning like a loon Harry retorted.
"Teacher? Are you barmy? I just said you are no teacher, Snape."
"50 points! And a week of detention with me!"
"I will do no detention with Death Eater scum! And you can shove your points up your hairy..."
That was when Dumbledore interrupted.
"Harry! I will not let you talk to the staff like this!"
"Then you either get your pet Death Eater under control or you expel me."
The headmaster looked at Harry as if he had grown a second head. He knew very well he had to keep the boy at Hogwarts no matter what.
"Even disregarding his inability to teach, how many parents will withdraw their children when they hear you employ a Death Eater and let him rampage around the school completely uncontrolled? See, I actually am trying to help you here. Keep him on a very short leash, or bad things might happen."
Having delivered his blackmail Harry marched to the Gryffindor table without waiting for an answer or a glance back. Continuing his meal he had to watch how Ron managed to eat more than a starving family. Faster, too. Nothing new here, but he also sprayed some of that food around while trying to talk and eat at the same time. Ugh. Harry decided to leave before Ron managed to kill his appetite. Thirty Hundred Million sperm and that one came through... Something will have to be done about that filthy swine.
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Harry went to the Ravenclaw table and sat besides his girlfriend causing some bewilderment. Cho Chang tried to mock him.
"Did you become lost, Potter? Your table is over there."
Harry was quite unimpressed.
"Actually, aside from the feasts you can sit and eat wherever you want. I'm surprised a Ravenclaw doesn't know that."
Ignoring Chang who glowered at him Harry turned to Luna who smiled at him.
"What you did there was brilliant. Both Dumbledore and Snape had a wrackspurt infestation before, but now they are swarming them."
Harry smiled back while reaching for the cold beer one of his elves had popped in front of him.
Budweiser, nice. He loved that czech brew, unlike the american gnat's piss of the same name.
"How much did you catch of that?"
"Almost everything. I can lip read, you know. So... do you want to be one with me?"
She had waited for exactly the moment when he was drinking. Harry was sure of that while beer was squirting out of his nose. The little minx was laughing at him!
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In his office Dumbledore explained to Snape why he had to be more... civil to Harry. The boy had to be kept at Hogwarts no matter what or Dumbledore would completely loose control of him.
The greasy potions master was recalcitrant, but finally yielded to the headmaster.
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That evening, well, rather the next evening considering Harry's Time Turner shenanigans, he was lying with Luna in a huge four poster bed in the Room of Requirements grinning like a loon.
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Luna was giddy when Harry brought her to the Room of Requirement and explained what it can do. She had him make it take all sorts of appearances, from dining over bathing up to bedrooms, a classroom, a forest, a light house looking over the stormy sea, a muggle house she took some time to explore, the illegal rave location they had so much fun at, a theme park and finally, of course, the London Zoo, her favourite.
Walking through said Zoo holding hands Harry tried to carefully reveal the truth about himself. There was no way in hell he'd go into a serious relationship with someone not knowing what the fuck was going on.
"Luna... there is something you have to know. It is really fucked up. It is not bordering on the realm of fantasy, it is steam rolling all over it."
"Well, I know all sorts of things other people think of as delusions, so go on, surprise me."
Harry smirked, thinking about how true that was.
"I... am not from here. Not really."
"Oh, that. I know."
"What? You know? How?"
"You are Harry Potter, but you are also someone from another reality. Your old self was, well, old. But now you are young again, so that is okay. I know about that, because I am part Fae."
"I didn't know there are Fae here."
Luna smiled.
"There are not. My grandmother came from Álfheimr, with a side wards time skip. Well, not really a time skip, more a dimensional jump into an alternate universe. It's too bad my grandmother died before I was born, I have so many questions the notices and journals she left behind have no answers for. Anyway, it was quite similar to what happened in the Hogwarts Express."
"Oh, so you noticed that, too."
She grinned.
"Sure did."
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Later one thing led to the other and they went in a room of Luna's design. A bedroom with a huge four poster bed located in a building high up on a cliff. It was looking out over a forest and the far off sea, glowing whales flying in the starry sky. A snogging session began that soon turned into more as various articles of clothing began to gather on the floor.
Quite some time later Harry slowly petted the long hair of the girl sprawled over him. He fondly looked at the sleeping blonde.
Damn, who would have thought that shy little Ravenclaw was such a wildcat in bed? Wait. Ravenclaw. The fucking diadem! That damn thing might be able to help me learn faster. While being great why did I have to remember that shit NOW? That totally killed my mood. Fuck!
Harry called Dobby and had him tasking the research elves with finding the diadem in the room of lost things.
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After a few minutes of the first Potions class of the year it showed Snape obviously had forgotten what Dumbledore told him about Harry Potter. Well, not forgotten, just suppressed and ignored.
Anyway, Snape was his usual cheerful and amicable self who just loved to talk about Harry's pedigree in general and his father in particular. Unlike usual Harry was not going to put up with it, though. No, he started to pack his stuff and sneered back in the same tone his teacher used.
"As always you try to express your hate for my father projecting it on me. Hate for a man who died more than a decade ago. I have no time to waste with your bullshit, you pathetic little tosser. Call me when you finally grow up."
Done with packing Harry stood up.
"50 points from Gryffindor! Sit down, Potter!"
Instead of sitting Harry glared at Snape.
"Fuck your points and fuck you, I'm going."
Then he moved towards the door.
"Detention with me for the next month!"
Harry did not deign to look back when he answered.
"You can shove your detention where the sun doesn't shine, Death Eater scum! Go and feed yourself to an Acromantula if you can find one that doesn't start vomiting at the sight of you!"
The students were following the altercation open mouthed, their surprise and horror slowly giving way to amusement and glee. A growing number of Gryffindors grinned like loons while the Slytherins, save some very few like Daphne, sneered. Then the situation escalated.
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AN: So I went on a vacation and thought I'll find some time to write for sure. And I did, the story was almost done. Than my laptop vanished, seems somebody really needed the thing. Shit happens. It was a cheap old device still good enough to type I took with me instead of my usual machine. I did not care about the laptop, but what was stored on it.
Now back home all I had left was the pre vacation edition of the frame work and the draft of the above chapter. Editing that chapter took way longer than it should. Frustration I guess. Anyway, I wanted to get it done and I did. It ends at another cliff hanger, because I just couldn't get the scene with Snape to resemble what I had already written once and feel right.
I think I need some distraction before I'll restart, so it will probably be several weeks until the next chapter. Maybe I rewrite this one since I'm still not very happy with it. I also want to have a buffer of a chapter or two again. We'll see. Sorry 'bout that.