Kicking off my epic return with a funny oneshot...haha. Sorry guys im bad with authors notes i can just about talk to people in real life. This is literally not serious in anyway, i dont have a scat fetish, im genuinely just bored. Anyway, im gonna shut up.

Bella

I sighed contentedly as edward ran his spindly fingers in my hair. Id spent the day at the cullens; Esme had made me a delicious meal, a spicy bean chili. It was UH-MAY-ZING! I mean im not a big foodie, but for someone who doesnt eat food to cook THAT...i mean you gotta give credit where its due.

I felt my insides twist a little bit...sort of like a churning. I felt a pressure travel down further and OH-

I caught it just as the air was sneaking out. I clenched so hard, oh my god. Edwards right next to me and im holding in a fart. He'd no doubt leave me if i farted. Im sure of it.

I shifted a little uncomformably, Edward must have noticed because he spoke.

"are you alright, love?"

I spoke in a tense, quick manner, trying not to let the opera house that is my rear let out any symphonies.

"yep. Cool. Just fine. Rad. Im peachy keen. Totally tubular."

I said with a nervous smile. Edward smiled and pulled me into a little spoon position.

"cmere, youre so distant, im touch starved."

I couldnt nervouslt laugh. When he pulled me in by the waist it put pressure on my abdomen. Oh my god im gonna fart on my boyfriend. Okay! Okay maybe i can just sneak it out! Sure he can smell it, but he wont assume it was me! Alright...

I released a little...just a puff of air. Silet. Oh thank the heavens! I was so jubilant that i grew overconfident...on the second half of the flatulence...i dropped my razor sharp focus, snd proceeded to let out the wettest, loudest, most horrendous fart ever.

please, kill me.

Edward began sniffing at the air and then i swear he went paler than he already was.

"WHAT IN THE LORDS NAME WAS THA- OH MY NOSE!"

Then edward died of carbon dioxide poisoning since bellas fart was just that pungest.

AND SCENE!