A/N… I guess this story is louder than the rest. Please see me at the bottom.

I'll let you get to it. This picks up in the car.

~oOo~

Chapter 3

"This car smells new."

They were the first words Bella uttered after being in said car for almost four hours. I honestly didn't mind the silence. Not with her. Even when she was human, she'd brought peace to me by not filling the silence with needless chatter, and I wanted to do the same for her. The drive seemed to have calmed her a little, and I was grateful.

Nodding, I said, "It is new."

She furrowed her brow, gazing around the front seat. "This isn't…" She trailed off and shook her head. "You had something else."

Glancing her way, I studied her face a moment. "You're right. Can you remember what it was?" I asked, thinking this would help with her memories.

"Not black," she mumbled as she seemed to reach back for the memory, but her face lit up when she finally had the answer. "Silver!"

"Good, Bella," I praised her gently. "It was silver." I braced myself because I was about to admit some not-so-nice truths. "The silver car was a Volvo. And I totaled it."

"Really? How?"

I came to a stoplight, letting my head fall back to the headrest with a derisive laugh. "I destroyed it from the inside out and then set it on fire."

She gasped, gaping at me like I'd lost my mind. I'd completely lost my mind when I'd taken it out on my car in Mexico.

I rubbed my face roughly before accelerating when the light turned green and decided to answer her question. "It smelled like you. Human you. I did it after… When I'd…" I trailed off, giving her a quick glance.

"Oh."

We went quiet again, but as I turned off the main road toward the cabin, I said, "Bella, we can approach all these things however you wish – your memories, your distrust, your diet, and whatever questions you have for me. Before we do that, you need to understand that what I said to you in the woods that day were lies. All of it. I… I thought I knew best, when really, I don't know shit."

Bella snorted, raising an eyebrow my way.

I flashed an embarrassed grin. "Sorry," I said, shaking my head. "I tried to never curse around you, but it seems I've forgotten myself."

"Don't sweat it. Everyone does it."

I wanted to say I wasn't everyone, but she was kind of right. And she'd been using some rather colorful language as of late, but I continued to my point.

"What I mean is… I vow to tell you the absolute truth, Bella. No matter the subject. Okay? We're… I'm really hoping to earn your trust again, but I need you to understand that the truth may not be easy to hear." I huffed a frustrated sigh. "Am I making sense?"

"Yeah, no… I get what you're saying." She turned her head toward the window again now that we were deep in the woods. "I wish I could remember more."

"You will."

"I'm not so sure."

"All of us had some memory issues when we were changed, Bella. I promise you; we'll get your memory back. If not all, then most of it."

"Yeah?" She turned back to face my way again.

"Mmhm," I hummed, trying to give her an encouraging smile as I neared the cabin.

Again, she went quiet, but her shield held, because I couldn't hear anything from her mind. At least I had that scale with which to work - silent meant calm.

I stopped the car in front of the little wooden cabin. It wasn't much to look at, honestly – dark brown, the color of the tree trunks surrounding it, a small front porch, two rooms inside with a bathroom, and a view of a small lake.

I gazed around the area, seeing the burned spot where I'd ended one of Victoria's minions. Unfortunately, he hadn't known anything, but Jasper had come through with the headline from Alaska.

Bella opened her car door and slipped out as she studied the small building in front of us.

"It's not much, and it needs some cleanup on the inside, but it's away from humans and away from my family," I rambled nervously, because it wasn't exactly up to the Cullen standards of living spaces.

She grinned, waving a hand at me. "I kinda like it."

"Seriously?"

"Sure, Edward."

There was a light laugh laced through those words, and it might have been the best sound I'd heard in a year. The sound made me smile as I popped the trunk of the BMW open.

"Okay, well, let's get you set up," I said softly, reaching in for the things I'd taken from the Forks house.

I set the first load on the front porch steps as she went on in, and once the trunk was empty, I stepped inside the cabin behind her. I hadn't stayed here very long the last time, merely long enough to find the immortal I was hunting, catch him, and end him. I only used it to clean up and change clothes, but I'd lost a little bit of control in the shower and bedroom.

"What happened here?" Bella asked from the bedroom door, pulling me from my own musings.

I didn't have to look; I knew that the bedroom was a mess. I'd flipped the bed, taking out a lamp and breaking the bed apart.

"Me."

"Was there a fight?" she asked, but she inhaled deeply. "No, it's just your scent I smell."

I took a deep breath and nodded once. "Just me. I used this place to… I was hunting Victoria and stumbled upon someone who'd seen her. But it… I was…" I forced a huff through my nose. "I thought you were dead, Bella. So, my emotions and my mind were dark."

She didn't say anything to that, and no thoughts escaped her shield.

"I'll fix it. Just let me get this stuff inside."

"Go ahead. I'll bring the stuff in," she offered, and before I could argue, she stepped out onto the porch and picked up two full boxes along with the toolbox.

A part of me wanted to stop her, but then again, she was pure strength and speed now. The serene expression on her face let me know I could leave her to it, so I took the tools from her and stepped into the bedroom to clean up my minor destruction. I rolled my eyes at myself, because this was the first mess of many I needed to correct. And it was probably the easiest.

I got to work straightening the rug, leaning the mattress against the wall temporarily, and eyeing the bed frame. It wasn't a complete loss. Whoever had built the bed originally had been skilled in carpentry. After reattaching the rails to the headboard and footboard, I set the mattress back in its rightful place. The linens were a loss, though, along with a lamp and a picture frame.

"You know, we don't sleep."

Grinning, I glanced up from the garbage I was dropping into the wastebin. "Painfully aware, Bella."

"So, why bother?"

Dusting off my hands and facing her, I said, "That's a good question. The answer is simple; if you're trying to live a normal life, then the more you surround yourself with human things – a home, a car, clothes…comforts – the more your humanity comes through. Does that make sense?" When she nodded, I went on. "I realize that it seems silly, but these human attachments keep an immortal from becoming…feral."

"Like Victoria."

"Nomads do have a tendency to live off the grid, for a lack of a better description. They constantly roam in search of their prey."

"We never stopped," she mused softly. Her eyes were staring unseeingly at the floor, but after a few seconds, she glanced up to meet my gaze. "She just kept running. She was running from you."

"I'm sure she was," I mumbled, frowning down at the repaired yet unmade bed. I gestured to it. "I brought stuff to make this…"

"You really thought I was…"

We spoke at the same time, but her words brought me up short.

Closing my eyes, I simply nodded. She didn't say anything, and I opened my eyes to see her studying me intensely. It was as if she were trying to read my mind, but something about this topic was making her upset or angry or anxious, because sharp, irate thoughts slipped through her shield.

Most of those thoughts boiled down to why would I care if she were dead or not.

My knee-jerk reaction was to take her by the shoulders and ask if she ever really knew me at all. But I quickly realized that this Bella didn't know me. Not really. She remembered the shit that had happened just before and after I'd left her, but I honestly could see she didn't really understand just how deep my love for her had been…or still was.

I focused my attention back on the toolbox, lugging it into the bathroom to fix the tiles I'd cracked as I tried like hell to force down just how much that fucking hurt. I'd said terrible things to her when I'd left, but the one of things I regretted the most was telling her that removing my presence would be as if I'd never existed. And now, those words had come to fruition. Our beginning, our tentative yet beautiful steps at getting to know one another was the best part of my long life. And she didn't remember any of it. Not at the moment, anyway. Squeezing my eyes against the burn, I made myself focus on the shower tiles, because I truly needed to start cleaning up my messes. All of them.

I let her keep her thoughts to herself. Eventually, we'd broach this subject, but I wasn't sure it would be today. She wasn't ready, and neither was I, if I was being honest with myself.

The tiles in the shower weren't salvageable, so until I could come back to retile the whole damn thing, I caulked over the cracks to keep the water out of the walls.

"I'll redo the shower in a few days, but this will hold temporarily. Okay?"

"Okay," she called from the bedroom.

I leaned in the doorway to see that she'd remade the bed with the sheets and blankets I'd brought from the house in Forks. Walking back out to the entryway, I picked up the bag of clothes – both mine and some things from Alice's and Esme's closets. I dropped the bag on the bed, turning back to the living room area.

The fireplace was fine, the windows secure, and there was a nice big chair that faced a window toward the small lake a few yards away. I rearranged some things, blew the dust off a log or two, and started a fire. It wasn't necessary for heat, but the cabin felt a little damp. And a fire felt nice against sensitive immortal skin.

She was basically moved in when she finally leaned against the counter of a small kitchen.

"You heard me," she surmised, wearing a grimace. "My thoughts a minute ago. You heard that. I'm sorry."

Smiling sadly, I shoved my hands into the front pockets of my jeans. "You can't help what you think, Bella. I'm aware my ability is intrusive. And you'll eventually get your ability under some sort of control."

"You said I was a shield."

Nodding, I glanced down to my feet and then back up to her. "It's a fine defensive talent. You'll soon be able to hone it, control it in ways that work best for you. You're already using it instinctively. And that's good."

"But I… What you heard… You're mad."

I sighed deeply. "No, not mad. Bella, we… you and I have a deeper history than you remember."

It was my turn to study her, wondering briefly if the reason she didn't remember the good things was because she'd blocked them from her mind when I'd left her. Now that I understood the depth of what we were to each other, I realized she would've been truly broken then, and I could guess that my independent, introspective girl probably tried her damnedest to keep going no matter how much it fucking pained her.

I was in deep shit. And in over my head. Or maybe I needed space to process some of the things that had happened since I'd finally caught up to and killed Victoria.

"You're not going to tell me?" she snapped, stepping closer.

Suddenly, the room felt like it was closing in on me, but it was her shield. It was pushing at me, shoving me toward the front door. I started to lose my footing as she stepped closer. I couldn't even get traction on the wood flooring. My sneakers squeaked across the living room as I tried to stop.

"Bella! Wait!"

"You're still lying!"

My feet left the floor of the cabin, and my back was the first thing to hit the ground in the middle of the front yard. A grunt left me, but I regained my footing quickly.

"Bella, stop!" I snarled, shaking my head. When I tried to step forward, I ran into an invisible barrier. "You've got to control that temper!" I dusted myself off and raked a hand through my hair. "I get it. And while some of it is a part of being a newborn, the rest is you being pissed at me. I'm not blaming you for being mad, but I fucking promise you… I'm not your enemy." I growled out those last words through my teeth.

"You say you've been changed four months? Well, that's long enough to start working on calming yourself," I explained to her, reining in my own anger. "I'm not lying to you, Bella. I'm simply trying not to overwhelm you with too many memories all at once."

Bella's eyes were wide as she watched me pace on the outside of that shield's limit. "Sorry, Edward," she said, and she sounded like an admonished child, but at least she'd calmed the hell down.

I waved her apology away. "We're good. I'll never hold a grudge. Not with you."

In my back pocket, I'd stashed the last cell phone I had before I upgraded. It was still good from my harsh landing in the yard, still usable, and practically new, especially when I restored it back to factory settings. Quickly, I added it as a new line to my plan and programmed every number she'd need. I reached into the car for a charger and walked toward the porch. She'd calmed down enough to pull her shield back.

When I was at this cabin the last time, the cell service was fine, which was surprising considering how far inside the woods we were.

"I didn't buy this. It's my old one. Old being a subjective term, I suppose," I muttered wryly, and before she could take it, I went on. "This will test your ability to touch without breaking. Okay?"

She nodded, wide eyed and curious.

"If you need me for anything, my number is in there. I need to check in with my family, Bella. You can clean up and settle in with some privacy. And I think both of us could use time to ourselves. Just to…to…decompress. Yeah?"

Bella's nose wrinkled, and she scanned her surroundings and inside the cabin. She nodded, facing me again.

"Yeah, maybe. But… you'll… I mean, you're still…"

"Yes, I'm still going to help you," I vowed when I could see where her thoughts were going; it was evident all over her face as I set the phone in her hand. "I'm just a phone call or text away. And I'll be back in a few hours. Ten sharp. Okay?"

She nodded, taking the phone and charge cord. "Thanks, Edward."

"See you in a little bit."

She was still on the porch studying that phone when I backed out and started out of the preserve. I didn't drive far, maybe thirty or forty miles. I was still in the woods, though in a different preserve, when I pulled over and practically launched myself through the tree line.

I really did need to check in with my family, but I couldn't bring myself to leave Bella for too long. My head was a mess by the time I reached a cluster of trees. Not one mind infiltrated my ability. I stopped and paced in a little circle, gripping my hair as I tried to get control of everything boiling inside of me.

It was guilt and sadness, gratefulness and euphoria. It was both good and bad. I was elated that Bella was still alive, that I'd not lost her completely. I was devastated at what I'd not only left behind, but also at the loss of so many beautiful, shared experiences.

My pacing continued but the circle widened, and soon my fist connected with a small tree trunk, obliterating it. The top portion of the tree fell back to the forest floor, and I grabbed it up like it was nothing, snapping it across my knee and creating a bat of sorts. I swung at the next tree and the next. When my original weapon crumbled, I made a new one.

Over and over, I took my frustrations out on that poor section of timberland. I could've essentially flattened acres upon acres of trees, but I finally dropped to my knees and hung my head, bracing my hands on my thighs.

I wasn't sure how long I stayed that way. My mind was racing to form some sort of plan for Bella, all while my heart urged me to go back to her. But I'd promised her privacy, and I needed to collect myself before I truly lost my reason.

Everything she threw at me was deserved. Every loss of patience and burst of temper, every distrustful glare, and every question of my intentions. The only thing I could take solace in was she was still allowing me to help her. She was asking smart questions and trying her damnedest to remember something, anything. She hadn't shunned me completely, and I took a little comfort in that. My hope – a small, bleak blip of hope – was she could feel what we were to each other deep down.

In the woods just outside of Charlie's, she'd said she'd loved me, that she'd never stopped, even though I'd tossed it away. I clung to those words with everything inside me.

A mind drew closer, and I shook my head and sighed. I'd guess Alice sent him. She probably saw most of the last few hours.

I answered his unasked question before he even appeared at the edge of this new clearing I'd created.

"I'm okay," I rasped out, sitting up a little and glancing over my shoulder.

"It's okay if you're not, son," Carlisle soothed, tentatively stepping closer.

When he was close enough, he tilted my face up by my chin. His face held concern and love, and his thoughts were centered around missing me and how he'd wanted to come to me during my months away from the family.

"Let's talk. Have you hunted?"

I nodded, standing up and brushing myself off, and he pulled me in for a brief hug. It was shocking how badly I needed it. Carlisle led me toward a small creek, taking a seat on a boulder and gesturing to the one across from him, but I shook my head. My pacing began anew, though this time it was giving me a chance to organize my thoughts. Silently, Carlisle asked me to start at the beginning.

I did what he requested and began in Forks three days after Bella's hellacious birthday, ending with the small cabin forty miles north of us. He let me ramble and sidetrack to separate topics, and he didn't even bother to stop me for clarification on any of it.

Gripping my hair, I faced him fully and let my hands fall at my sides. "Everything I said, every lie I told in order to keep her safe… It all backfired. And every last bit of her sadness, heartbreak, and anger cemented into her immortality when she changed. All of it. Every fucking bit of it!"

Carlisle frowned and nodded, and then tilted his head up to me. "But she's your mate?"

I huffed a derisive laugh. "Out of all of that, that's the thing you caught?"

He grinned shamelessly. "There's a reason I'm starting there."

Sighing, I finally sat down across from him. "Okay, then… yes. She was from the beginning. I was just too…"

"Scared?" he offered when I trailed off, and I nodded sadly. "I suspected she was, but you were beyond reach after Jasper."

I waved that away. Jasper was making amends the best way he could, and really, he had only proven how damned dangerous we were. Again, it was moot. Bella was way more dangerous than we were at the moment.

His thoughts centered around the family helping Bella and me, but I grimaced and shook my head.

"I'm afraid she's not ready to see you. Any of you."

His brow furrowed, and he hurt for Alice and Esme, who were beyond anxious to set eyes on Bella. His own heart was also a bit broken, because he'd come to love Bella.

"Sorry."

"Don't be," he countered quickly. "She has a right to her feelings. Maybe I should've forced you to face things. Maybe we should've stood up against you. We didn't, and that's our burden to bear. It's something for which I will be apologizing if she ever allows me the honor."

I swallowed thickly, glancing down to my sneakers. "Her memory worries me. It's spotty and focused on the bad. I honestly don't know if she remembers us. The good us. You know?" I glanced up, and he nodded for me to go on. "There was so much good, Carlisle, but I catch her thoughts when she's angry or anxious, and she truly only sees me from the day I told her we were leaving. She sees that version of me, not the one who'd sing her to sleep or play the piano for her or carry her books to class. None of that is there."

Carlisle frowned and stood up. He paced a few steps, slipping his hands into the pockets of his pants. His mind centered around the ring I'd found and returned to her.

"Yeah, she definitely has muscle memory. It's in there," I assured him. "I just don't know how to help her remember without shattering us both. I told her she was my mate, but I don't think it registered yet. She's too angry to focus, and it's more than just newborn anger."

"Trust is hard to get back after it's broken," he stated softly to himself, but I nodded anyway, because it was true. What he didn't say aloud was that Bella's mistrust came with her through her change into immortality.

His mind was working through all the members of our family – the ones he'd changed and the ones he hadn't. Rose and I came through our changes with some memory loss. Emmett retained most of his. Jasper could recollect a few things from his human life.

Alice, however, had no memory of her human life whatsoever. Nothing. Not a single thing. The information she had about her life prior to immortality had come after she'd changed. Carlisle always assumed that was on purpose, that Alice had mentally shut that part of her mind down, because he thought she'd had a very rough childhood. And to this day, Alice continued on perfectly fine without those memories. She neither had the desire to recover them, nor had she ever gone looking.

Finally, Carlisle thought of Esme, who had tried to end her life and woke up to a completely different one. It had taken faith and patience to teach her, and it had been trial and error. As much as Esme fought both of us in the beginning, she eventually learned to trust us.

He finally faced me. "Are you sure you can handle this alone, son? It took two of us in the beginning."

"You handled me just fine alone," I countered with a grin. "And I'm pretty sure I was the hardest one."

He grinned, breaking into a chuckle. "Fair point."

Smiling, I picked up a stone and tossed it into the creek. "I don't know what she'll do if any of you show up. Of all of you, Esme maybe would be the one she'd accept." I stood up, brushing my jeans off. "Give me some time. I'll see how things progress."

He nodded, slightly disappointed but patient enough to wait. "Okay, but if you need us, please don't hesitate."

"I promise."

"Well, then, follow me back to my car. I parked behind you. The girls sent some things for Bella," he said, pointing back toward the road. Once we exited the woods, he paused for a moment. "You should know that Rosalie regrets the way she contacted you in Brazil."

I scoffed. "Before or after Alice tore her up verbally?"

Carlisle fought his smile. "Oh, after. In her defense, she simply wanted her family in one piece, and Emmett is still rather…miffed."

"Yeah, well… I've got enough on my plate. They can wait. They never gave a shit when I'd leave before, so why does it matter now?"

"Because now they know they have a new sister out there suffering. And we all know that every last one of us played a part. They only want to help," he explained gently, pressing the key-fob to pop the trunk of his Mercedes.

There were boxes and bags, not to mention a backpack. The entire trunk was packed with just…stuff.

"What is all this?" I asked, a laugh escaping me.

"Alice." He said that like it explained everything, and it probably did, but I raised an eyebrow at him. "She saw that Bella wouldn't take new stuff. So, most of this is from the girls. Clothes, candles, pillows. I believe there are some curtains. I don't know, son. I just do what I'm told."

A laugh barked out of me, and I held my hands up in surrender. "Fair enough."

Carlisle chuckled a bit and then picked up the backpack. "Alice specifically put this one together. She went to see Charlie."

I frowned, taking the bag and unzipping it. The scent that wafted out of it was pure Bella. Human Bella. My sister had taken some of Bella's own personal things – soaps and shampoos, books and notes, a couple pairs of jeans, a picture or two. I wasn't sure how Alice had convinced Charlie to relinquish these things, but I knew Bella would appreciate her own property. Her stuff. Not hand-me-downs or charity.

"Tell them thanks," I whispered, zipping the bag back up and walking it to my own trunk. "How is he?"

Carlisle wrinkled his nose, shaking his head slowly back and forth. "He's devastated. He thinks Bella took her own life, so he's dealing with guilt and anger. He blames us – well, you specifically. Alice tried to tell him that you were suffering, too, but his ire runs deep."

Grimacing, I nodded.

"Do you even know why she jumped off that cliff?"

"No, but I plan to get there with her. She needs to hunt again, and I plan to start working on her memory. She may take off my head."

"Nah, she won't. If she couldn't let her maker kill you, then she won't do it herself."

"Maybe. We'll see. This will be a long, rough road, I'm afraid," I said through a deep sigh.

After transferring the boxes and bags to my car, Carlisle stopped me. "Son, you need to understand the magnitude of how much changing her diet will affect Bella."

"I'm aware."

He gave my shoulder a squeeze. "If you need anything…"

I nodded when he trailed off. "I need to get back to her. I promised her I'd return by ten. I plan on keeping that promise. But I want to be closer if she needs me before then." I pulled out my phone to check it, but Bella hadn't called or texted.

"The more you show up, the more you are there for her, the more you'll show her you're not going anywhere. Not this time."

Smiling gratefully up at him, I agreed. "No, never again."

~oOo~

A/N… So I'm going to continue writing this story since it makes the muse happy. I'll try to get back to Oz and see if I can't finish it up. I'm doing my best, but with the holidays here and retail being a dumpster fire… You get what I'm saying. Hell, you're all probably used to it.

I want to wish all my US friends a Happy Thanksgiving tomorrow. And remind you on Friday – if you go shopping – that retail peeps are human, that they don't make the rules or the sales, and drive safe out there.

Until next time… Mooches, Deb ;)