A/N… I've stopped questioning my Muse. She's a little salty/spicy, so I'm just go with whatever she says. ;) I'll let you get to it.

~oOo~

Chapter 5

Stepping under the hot spray of the shower, I closed my eyes as the soap suds sloughed down my skin to the drain. I'd left Bella a few hours prior to give her space, so I was currently in my family's home in northern California. I needed a shower and clean clothes. And honestly, I needed my own space.

A soft thump echoed in the bathroom as my forehead touched the tiles. The pull, that intense draw to Bella was growing stronger by the day. With every memory she'd recall, every new hunting experience, and every sweet, tentative laugh, I wanted to drown in her.

However, she wasn't ready. She barely trusted me. What trust I had built with her was thin and so very fragile.

In the week since we'd moved her into the cabin, she'd had a few more outbursts of temper, sometimes anxiety, and it was enough for me to catch her fears, her worries when her shield would waver. I could leave her again. She knew it, and she truly felt it would come again. And no number of promises or absolute denials would change that fear for her. Over and over, I would tell her I was there permanently. But words were useless.

If anything, it was worse now than it had been when she was human. She feared that once she was more comfortable with her new life, I would set her free or, really, set myself free.

Sighing deeply, I stood up straight, shut the water off, and reached for a towel. As I dried off, I tried to dig deep for patience. Bella worked very hard to keep her feelings in check. Only once did I catch a thought concerning how she felt about me. The word mate swirled around in her mind, but it was hard to reconcile that word when she didn't know if I would stay.

"Shit," I said to myself.

I didn't know how to help her assuage that feeling, so I just kept showing up, teaching her, guiding her. We'd found a small routine, and we stuck to it. It was making a difference – a small one but a difference all the same. We'd sit quietly on the bad days, reading or staring at the fireplace. Those silent times were actually healing, because neither of us was alone. We'd chase wolves or deer on days when our energy seemed to be overflowing, though we'd yet to hunt the large cats I loved so much. And we'd work on memories until frustration was almost spilling out of the cabin.

I pulled on clean underwear and jeans, stepping into my closet for a bag. I packed a couple of extra pairs of pants and shirts to keep in the car. Technically, I had no place to call my own. I wasn't really living with my family, and I didn't want to force my presence on Bella. Frowning as I tossed a few pairs of balled up socks into the bag, I wondered how things would've been had we reunited differently.

It didn't feel right to "live with her." There was a touch of propriety there, but we weren't together, no matter what she remembered. Staying with her at Charlie's felt more comfortable when we used to be on the same page, but we weren't a couple. Not really. Not now. That was one ball I'd left absolutely in her court. And the house I was standing in didn't feel like a home for me either. After Bella's birthday in Forks, my family had moved without me. They'd packed most of my things and then thrown them into whatever bedroom no one wanted. Keeping clothes in my car just seemed easier since I was driving so much.

My head turned when the sound of one of the gentlest minds I'd ever encountered grew closer as they climbed the stairs. I grabbed a shirt off a hanger and slipped it on.

"Come on in, Esme," I said softly, setting my bag down on the floor by my sneakers.

"I don't mean to intrude," she said, standing in the doorway. "I just wanted to check on you, sweetheart."

"You could never," I replied softly, smiling at her sweet chuckle and gesturing toward the sofa. "And I'm okay."

She took a seat, patting the cushion next to her, so I sat beside her. "We're home alone, Edward. It's a rarity around here. So, you can talk to me, you know. Tell me how you're doing really. I know you value your privacy."

I smiled, huffing a light laugh through my nose. "Sounds hypocritical when I can't give them that same privacy, right?"

She tsked. "You can't help that. It's a part of who you are, Edward." She reached over and took my hand. "Now, talk to me. We used to be much better at this."

"Until Bella," I finished her thought, pulling my hand back.

Esme was right, though. We'd always been very good at talking out the hard things. It started from the very beginning. I'd help guide her when hunting if Carlisle was working, and we'd talk about this life and our human lives. I even taught Esme how to drive. Once I'd come home from my misguided time of hunting humans, the family started to grow, but Esme and I had always kept that communication open. And it was that ease that made me just start talking.

Before she could argue that it was a good thing that Bella became the most important thing in my life, I set my elbows on my knees and glared at my feet, asking, "Which part do you want to talk about? Bella's diet? Her memory? Or how I almost lost her completely because of stubbornness and fear? How for months I thought she was dead?" I glanced her way. "Or how about the part where I shattered my mate's heart, and she can barely keep eye contact with me because she doesn't trust me not to do it again? Which part would you like to discuss?"

Esme blinked a little, and I felt horrible that I'd caused her to cry. There were no tears, of course, but I could hear her thoughts, her sadness. With a grimace, I gazed back at the floor.

"Sorry," I whispered.

"Look at me, sweetheart," she commanded gently, and when I turned her way, she cupped my chin. "The most important lessons in life are owning mistakes and rectifying poor decisions. We live long enough to get better, be better. You taught me that when I was new to this life. No one is perfect, and as long as you're trying to make up for things gone badly, Bella will eventually see that. She's a smart girl, Edward. She'll be even smarter now. You have time, so you just need to find patience."

I nodded, deciding to let a few things out. "She used to look at me like I hung the moon, Esme. And now, she can barely look me in the eye. And I… I know it's my fault. I do. I'm not saying it's not, but…"

"But it hurts," she offered in a whisper, letting my chin go and brushing an errant curl off my forehead.

"It's worse when she doesn't remember some things. Good things. Private things. Beautiful things. But she remembers with utter clarity how I told her I was leaving," I rasped out, swallowing past the lump in my throat. "I just want to push what I know into her mind. Like the opposite of reading thoughts."

Esme flashed a grin. "Maybe you can. Not in such a way as you just described, but tell her your story. All of it." She placed her hands flat on either side of my face. "Tell her how this handsome man wanted nothing to do with anyone for a long time, because he was waiting. He was waiting for that special girl, that perfect puzzle piece. Hmm?"

Smirking, I pulled back and shook my head a little as I stood up to pace. "I think she knows. Or she knew at one point. I honestly think she blocked out the good things in order to get through my leaving. I've had time to think about it, and I probably would've done the same damn thing had the roles been reversed."

"Tell her that, too."

I laughed derisively. "Maybe." I leaned against the window, gazing out over the woods surrounding the house. "I think what scares me the most is just how close I came to losing her completely. I told myself that if she was alive, I'd leave her to a human life, a real life, but the reality of that decision was much different. I missed her the second I left." I smiled sadly Esme's way, but it turned into a sneer as I went on, glaring back out of the window again. "And then… Victoria drained her with the intention of smashing her death in my face, but Bella's heart kept going just enough to start her change." I broke my gaze away from the window to meet Esme's warm golden eyes. "She shouldn't actually be here. It's a damned miracle. There are days I can barely keep my eyes off her, because I'm not sure she's real."

"Is she real?" Esme asked teasingly.

"I think so," I replied, grinning at her light chuckle.

My phone went off with a text, and I walked to my dresser to check it. "Well, she's real enough to use the phone I gave her," I muttered sarcastically, holding up my cell.

Esme cracked up. "Well, good. It means you're still sane."

"Barely."

She got up from the sofa and walked to me to kiss my cheek. "What does she need?"

"More books. She says it helps with the newborn ADHD. Her words, not mine," I said through a laugh. "And I think it helps keep her mind off cravings. Reading keeps her calm. Hell, at this point, I'll raid an entire bookstore or public library to keep her calm."

Esme grinned and gave my shoulder a pat. "I'll put together a box. You can take it when you leave."

I walked to a stack of my moving boxes and cracked open a couple. They were my own books, so I shifted them next to my packed bag.

"I'll need to build her some shelves. And I still need to fix the shower tiles," I said mostly to myself, but Esme heard me.

"Want some help?"

I shook my head. "Not yet. I'm not sure if she's ready to see any of you."

"I can be very persuasive."

"I'm aware, Esme. Thank you but no. I'll do it."

What I didn't tell her was that it felt good, it felt right to be fixing these things for Bella. It felt like I was creating a home for her. Something just for her, and in the long run, us. It felt…domestic.

Esme left my room, and the chaotic sound of my siblings coming through the front door met my ears. I'd heard Alice's mind getting closer, warning me mentally that my privacy with Esme was almost at an end.

As I finished rounding up everything I wanted to take back to the cabin, I glanced up to see Jasper approaching my doorway. He held out an envelope to me.

I took it, opening it up to see the deed for the cabin in Oregon. He'd put it in my name.

"Alice said your name would be better. That Bella wouldn't take it as a gift," he explained before I could ask.

"Thanks," I replied, tucking the envelope into my back pocket.

"Let me help you," he offered, picking up the two boxes of books.

The guilt he was pushing out was making me uncomfortable, making me feel the shame along with him.

"Jasper, let it go," I told him, and when he glanced back from the doorway, I simply sighed. "I can't focus on the past when the future is shaky."

"Not that shaky," Alice piped up from the hall.

I snorted into a laugh. This family was insane yet a flawless machine. Years upon years of dealing with different personalities and talents and flaws. We just learned to deal with it all without much thought.

Alice showed me a few visions she'd had as of late. They weren't too far in the future, because Bella didn't make many long-term decisions. Bella's future still seemed to be entwined with mine, which made me smile, but I could see there was still tension between us. There were also a few run-ins with my siblings, and those looked to go okay. I tilted my head at one of them, though. Maybe not all the reunions would be happy.

"Wonder how vain Rose would be without her nose," I muttered aloud so softly that only Jasper and Alice heard me, and they busted into laughter.

"By the way, that newborn you sent my way?" Alice started, and I nodded as I picked up a box. I'd honestly forgotten all about little Bree Tanner from Seattle. "Bree is fine. Jasper and I took her hunting, and Carlisle and Esme talked her into heading up to Alaska."

"Well, they have room since Edward set Laurent on fire," Jasper muttered, and I snorted into a harsh laugh. "Irina's still pissed, but Tanya's happy."

"Tanya didn't trust him," I told them.

"No, Tanya barely likes six or eight people on the entire fucking planet," Jasper countered. "We're just lucky one of them is you…and probably Carlisle. Maybe Esme."

"Definitely Esme," Alice and I said at the same time.

Again, I simply shook my head at the strangeness of my family.

Alice and Jasper helped load my car, and Esme added the box of books she'd promised. Carlisle was still at work, and I didn't see Emmett or Rose when I walked through the house one last time with my packed bag. When I stepped into the garage, though, I came to a stop when my largest brother was leaning against my car.

Of all the members of my family, he had been the most vocal about leaving Forks. Not because he didn't want to move, but because he truly liked Bella. He saw in her a future sibling. And he saw what she'd done for me.

"I can't do this now, Emmett. If you want a fight, you'll have to wait until next time," I told him without much emotion. I didn't want to fight him; I did enough fighting with Bella.

"How is she?"

"Pissed off. I'm pretty sure she's damned close to hating us all. And I don't blame her." I set my bag into the trunk and closed it. "Oh, and she likes bears better than wolves."

"Well, yeah, who doesn't?" He scoffed and rolled his eyes like this was a scientifically proven fact.

Smirking, I nodded. "Honestly, I think she likes to fight them as much as you do."

Emmett grinned. "That's my girl. You tell her when she's ready, I'll happily whoop your ass for her."

"Yeah, she'll probably take you up on that," I muttered, pulling out my car keys. "She does okay on her own, though."

He laughed, but I heard Rose coming before she stepped into the garage. I wasn't sure what I felt when it came to my sister. She'd always been selfish and vain, pampered and slightly mean. And Emmett softened those parts of her personality a great deal. But I could still remember the tone of her voice when she told me, "The human is dead."

I didn't feel like hearing how things affected Rosalie, when really, they didn't fucking concern her at all.

Turning toward the driver side door, she called out, "Edward, wait!"

"What is it, Rose?" I turned to face her, and she was right behind me. "What?"

"I'm… I'm so sorry, Edward." Her voice was barely a whisper, but I could see her mind. She'd had her ass handed to her by everyone in the house. Carlisle included from what I could see – or what she was letting me see.

"You are now." And before she could argue, I held up my hand. "Don't. I don't care about your reasons. You knew my state of mind, Rosalie. I didn't break up with Bella. I was trying to keep her safe from the likes of us. Her life meant more to me than my own. Do you understand that? Did you ever understand it?"

She flinched, glancing down at her feet. "I didn't know, Edward. I thought she… I mean…"

I sighed in frustration when she trailed off. And before Emmett could defend her out loud yet again, I glared his way.

"Stop. Christ, Emmett. Aren't you tired of defending her?" I asked him before facing Rose again.

"Edward, please…" she started, but I shook my head and started to reach for my car door again.

However, I paused and faced her once more. "You need to learn that kindness isn't weakness. If that were the case, you'd think Carlisle was a damned coward. And I know you don't." I tapped my temple to let her know I heard her true self. "I know who you really are, and hiding behind this stone-cold demeanor is bullshit. You bury the real you so damn deep, and only Emmett is allowed access. There are other people around you, Rose, and we all have to live with you. What you said and how you said it was fucking cruel. And if you can't see that, then stay away from Bella and me. I've got enough on my plate without having you add to it. Am I clear?"

I finally got into my car and left the house, and I didn't pause long enough for her to answer or to give much thought to Emmett. He loved Rose – there was no doubt – but he knew I was right about his mate, so instead of defending her, he let shit play out. Apparently, he'd been telling her the same things for some time now.

That was their damned problem.

I drove way too fast toward Oregon, and before I got to the preserve, I stopped off in a small town. Luckily it was an overcast autumn day, because I needed to stop for supplies. I was determined to fix the shower and maybe give Bella some shelves for all the books she was starting to collect.

There was a hardware store in Klamath Falls, so I pulled in. I had just enough time to get what I needed, load up, and get back on the road. I never wanted to be late. My mood hadn't changed when I made it to the cashier, and I did my best to ignore her stare, her flirting, and I avoided the slip of paper with her phone number on it. She was probably around sixteen or seventeen, working a part-time job, and that only reminded me of Bella working for the Newtons during our last summer between junior and senior year.

With my car loaded down, I pulled back out onto the highway and raced the rest of the way to the cabin. I tried playing loud music to calm down, but I was still in a piss-poor mood when I parked my car in front of the cabin.

Bella was sitting on the front steps. A small smile curled her lips as she marked her place in her book and set it down.

She met me at the car as I got out, starting to say, "Hey, I was thinking…" She trailed off, tilting her head to study my face. "What's wrong? You look—"

"I'm okay," I interrupted her.

"Be honest, Edward." It was a simple command given without anger, and that was a major step for her.

I huffed a humorless laugh and sighed deeply as I leaned back against my car. "I think I need to hunt," I said softly, because the last couple of times I'd taken Bella, I'd monitored her instead of catching anything for myself. There had been human minds just barely on the edge of my ability, and I wanted to be able to stop her had she gotten too close. "It's just been…a day with my family. I know I leave it up to you, but—"

"So, let's go," she offered, gesturing toward the woods.

"You sure? It's… I want you to…"

She tugged my sleeve. "Hunt. And then you can tell me what your family did and why the car is filled to the roof with just…stuff."

I flashed a grin, because every now and then, the Bella I once knew came out to play. That selfless, sarcastic, and beautiful girl would emerge, reminding me of how I'd fallen instantly for her.

Just these few minutes in Bella's presence had lessened the sharp, disgruntled mood from my argument with Rose. But if I was going to help her, then I needed to be at my best.

We took off at a run into the preserve, and I wasn't going to be all that picky. We stumbled upon a herd of elk, and before I went any farther, I took a large bull down. He was seven hundred pounds of muscle, and I wanted to take my frustrations out on him. I chased him, tackled him, and drained him. Finally coming back to myself a bit, I gazed around to see that Bella had caught one of her own, only hers was a cow – a female elk.

I disposed of my kill, taking a seat on a rock in the middle of an open field of dying grasses. Bella sat down in front of me, and my eyes raked up her crisscrossed legs, past her hands that fidgeted with a long piece of dry grass, and finally settled on her face.

"Better," she stated. "Your eyes were black when you got here."

I smiled a little. "I'm sure they were."

We sat in comfortable silence for a few minutes. I plucked a few tall stalks of grass, wrapping them around my fingers over and over.

"What happened?" Bella asked softly, and when I met her gaze, I only saw concern and maybe a bit of curiosity. Her thoughts were shielded from me, so I couldn't hear her mind.

Thinking back to my conversation with Esme, I decided to answer her by starting at the beginning. "When I left Forks, my family moved without me. They're just on the other side of the California state line. I…I started to join them, but without you…after what I did, I just…kept going.

"I got as far as Mexico when my sanity snapped. My car smelled like you, and it was…" I trailed off, waving that away. I'd already told her I'd set that bastard on fire. "Anyway, I kept going. I ended up in Brazil. I'd been tracking Victoria, but I lost her trail there. And I sort of…shut down for a bit. I didn't hunt. I didn't move, really. I ignored my cell phone. This was over the course of a few months. I barely remember the holidays last year."

"Me, either," she said with a sad smile. "I sort of went through the motions of school and work, but I don't remember Thanksgiving or Christmas at all."

I studied her face, realizing she just remembered and offered up that memory on her own. Completely unprovoked. It made me feel like we were truly getting somewhere.

"You did more than me. I put myself in a sort of… I don't know. Trance? Maybe? Which was dangerous as hell, because I was in a hotel filled with innocent humans. I could've killed someone, but an unfortunate rat crossed my path, and that was when I knew I needed to…"

"Get your head out of your ass?" she offered wryly when I trailed off.

I grinned, breaking into a chuckle. "Yes, ma'am. Exactly."

"Charlie told me the same thing, basically. Snap out of it or he was going to call my mother."

I met her gaze, and her shield wavered a little. To go home to Renee would've cut her off from Forks, and despite the shit I'd spewed, Bella held onto a touch of hope that I'd come back.

"Dammit," I sighed, raking a hand through my hair.

"Go on," she prompted.

"I started to make my way back toward the States," I continued, weaving the stalks of grass in my hands into a braid just to have something to do with my hands. "That's when I got a call from Rose. She… Sh-she said you were dead, and I could come home."

"She said it like that?"

"Yeah," I said through a deep sigh. "She'd been pissed that I made them move, and I guess she thought if you were gone, then things could back to the way they were, but…"

I swallowed thickly, meeting her angry gaze. Thoughts started to seep through her shield, and despite how I'd left, Rose's phone call sounded fucking mean or selfish or something Bella couldn't quite put a label on at the moment.

"I thought you were gone, Bella. Alice went straight to Forks, and found out about the cliff in La Push, and she talked to Charlie. For a brief moment, I wanted…I was going to…" I shook my head and fiddled with the thin rope I'd made with the grass. "I couldn't see going on without you. Suddenly, I was furious. I decided that I'd end Victoria before I…" I trailed off, because talking about joining her in the afterlife sounded stupid after discovering the reality of the situation. "And the rest you know."

I went quiet again, but Bella was still a touch angry. She immediately put the pieces together that my mood today was concerning Rose.

"Yeah, she tried to apologize today, but she forgets that I can see her true intentions," I told Bella, tapping my temple. "Her apology was forced, because she's catching a lot of heat from everyone else. It wasn't done out any sort of remorse, only that she's in trouble with the rest of them. And maybe I'm not ready to forgive her just yet anyway. I don't know…"

Bella got up and paced a little. I could see that she was doing a damned fine job keeping her temper in check. A thought or two blipped in and out of my ability, but for the most part, she was controlling it.

I smiled up at her. "You're doing amazing, Bella."

"I want to be so pissed off for you." She rounded on me, her eyes full of dark fire. "And I want to be pissed off at you. How could you just… You'd seriously end things?"

I laughed. "Don't be. I'm okay. I didn't end things, and what did I tell you about Rose when we met? Do you remember?"

Bella stopped, tilting her head in a way that I'd learned was her way of thinking in this new life. I couldn't hear her thoughts; her temper had evaporated like a puff of smoke in the breeze.

She opened her mouth, snapped it closed, and finally said, "To ignore her?"

"Yes!" I laughed, my head falling back. "That's exactly right. Well, that hasn't changed, Bella."

When she sat back down in front of me with a laugh, I asked, "When I first got here, you started to say something. What was it? You said you'd been thinking."

She snorted. "I think… I'd like to go back to Forks. I think it'll help with my memories. I want to remember, Edward. I need to remember."

I sat forward, tying the little rope I'd made around her wrist like a bracelet. It was an old habit to do things like this for her, something that went back to our beginning. Simple notes passed in class, a drawing on the corner of her notebooks, and little gifts made out of insignificant materials like grass, flowers, or paper.

"Thanks," she said through a laugh. "So, what do you think?"

I nodded. "I think it's a good idea, but I'd like to give you a few months on the animal blood diet before we go." Before she could argue, I added, "I'm not saying no, Bella. I'm simply asking for time. Time to get you more acclimated. Make sense?"

"And I can't see anyone either."

"That too." I smiled as she lightly touched the bracelet I'd just given her, but I met her gaze. "What prompted this today?"

She shrugged a shoulder. "I'll show you. It was something from the backpack."

"Okay." I stood up from the ground, offering her my hand out of habit. Sometimes, she wouldn't take it; this time, she allowed me to tug her to her feet. "I need to hunt a bit more, and then I can show you why my car looks like I'm moving in."

She chuckled. "Are you?"

I couldn't quite tell if that was an invitation or simple curiosity. As much as I wanted to be around her all the time, I knew that it wouldn't be a good idea. I wanted her too much, and she didn't remember the time when she wanted me too. The small blip of hope grew a little larger with each memory recovered, and a part of me couldn't wait until she finally knew more than heartbreak and lies. There were first kisses, dates, and secrets to still recollect. Until then, I'd keep things as they were.

I smiled, shook my head, and said, "No. Not yet."

~oOo~

A/N… Rough day for Edward here. Ah Rose… She's something else.

Apparently, there was some upload issues with Chapter 3, but it's been corrected. I can't tell if it was this site or me. Probably me. ;)

I'm updating this as it comes, so there's not really a schedule. And I'm just going with that for now. With the holidays and work and all the other shit in between, it's just a go-with-the-flow thing at this point.

So, that being said, I'll see you next time… Mooches, Deb ;)