Chapter 5

Cold November Rain

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"Buried Myself Alive" by The Used

APRIL 14, 2003 (Monday)

As if Mondays were not bad enough, that morning Eren came to his desk and saw his chair was missing. He looked inside every single cubicle in the office, but it was nowhere to be seen.

Eld suggested using one of the spare chairs, but Eren knew from his first days in the company, the spare chairs were horrible for his back. His chair was one he bought himself, ergonomic and set precisely to his comfort, great for sitting at a computer for a whole day.

It took him an hour to find the chair—up two stories and placed in the corner of a random conference room. When he came back down, he saw Jean watching from his desk, trying hard to hold back laughs.

This time, Eren really did go to Human Resources to file a complaint. This was his private property, and obviously someone had stolen it. He told them to check the security tapes, but Hitch, the head of the HR Department, looked less than enthusiastic at the idea of spending possibly hours watching a video for a simple office prank. Eren had found his chair, so no harm done.

Eren launched into a tirade, listing all the things Jean had done, including his homophobic language on the first day. Again, Hitch looked like someone had switched her coffee to decaf that morning, and Eren was one more annoyance she did not have the energy to deal with.

"You can't prove Jean boiled your coffee, or stole your pens, or hid your chair, and there have been no reports of the sort of language you're talking about. Yes, he started off using a bit more profanity that we usually like, but that was dealt with right away."

"Call up Holger. Have him check the security tapes," Eren shouted in frustration. "I bet you'd see that he was behind all of those things."

"Look!" she snapped. "Jean Kirschtein is an impeccable employee, already has glowing compliments from clients, and he's gotten along well with everyone else. Eld even said he's on his way to being awarded Employee of the Month."

"That's bullshit," he yelled.

"Watch it!" warned Hitch. "If this really does go back to some childhood rivalry between you two, then try to work it out on your own. Have you ever thought that maybe he picks on you because it's his way of making friends?"

His eyes narrowed. She couldn't be that dumb, right?

"Unless he does something against company policy, or you can catch him in the act of doing something that is legitimately harassment and not accidental, there's not much I can do besides call him in and give him an official warning."

"Am I allowed to bring my own camera into work, hook it up to my computer, and record my cubicle whenever I'm away?"

She rolled her eyes. "You know that's a security risk for the company."

Eren yelled, "Then why the hell do we have security cameras at all if you won't check them when there's been a theft?" Eren put his hand up and lowered his voice. "Sorry. Can't you at least move me?" he pleaded. "Put me on another floor, hell, put me in a supply closet. If he's going to bully me, I shouldn't be forced to tolerate it. All these stupid pranks are lowering my productivity. I wasted an hour this morning. When he heated up my coffee and I scalded my mouth, I couldn't talk clearly for hours, and I had an important client I was supposed to call that morning. I had to reschedule, and that looks bad for the company, all so Jean could get in a few laughs and mock me at lunch. All I want to do is work in peace. So please, put me somewhere far away from him."

She saw the weariness in his eyes and sympathized. "I'll talk to Eld about moving your desk, and I'll give Jean a warning." She pouted as Eren sank in defeat. "Get some rest tonight. You look exhausted."

That was all that was done.

Eld at least accommodated Eren by having him switch desks with a junior employee who was happy to have a desk closer to the window. Eren moved his things, with someone from Tech Support helping him to move his computer.

In the midst of this move, Jean came over, eying the boxes. "Did you get fired? Can't say I'll miss you."

Eren refused to even meet his eyes.

"Say, did you know someone reported me for using homophobic language at work? I told Hitch, it slipped out one day, and I sincerely apologized. After all, I had some bad influence at a young age that affected my vocabulary, but I'm not homophobic."

Now Eren shot him a glare. "Yes, you are!"

"Now, now. Don't make false accusations, little Jaeger." His eyes narrowed in a threat. "It'd be a shame if someone spread some false accusations about you."

Eren seethed but kept his voice low. "Look, I've got a lot going on in my life right now. I just want to come here and do my work."

"What could you possibly have going on with your life, Perfect Prince Eren?"

Eren's teal eyes turned deathly cold. "You don't need to know. I'm willing to ignore you, or even play nice with you if that's what the job requires. If you can't figure out how to be that mature and learn to work with others, including someone you don't personally like, then in my next meeting with Levi, I will recommend that office work is perhaps not the best career path for you."

"Once again, snitching," Jean muttered.

"It's not snitching if it's part of my job. I hold seniority over you, Jean Kirschtein," he pointed out. "It is my duty to report how those under me are doing. I've not complained about you this whole time. I could have gone to Levi on your very first day and told him about you. I didn't. I gave you a chance. Well, this is your fourth week at Eldia. No more chances. Consider your grace period over. I will not play nice anymore, so either grow up and learn how to work as a team, or stay the hell out of my face." He crammed the last items into his cardboard box and stomped away.

Jean watched him go, and his jovial smiles were gone. He unconsciously rubbed his shoulder, where the ache of his wound never fully went away.

He whispered, "I know how to work as a team, asshole. I also know what it's like when your team is led by an idiot."

Eren was glad that Jean backed off after that. Sitting across the room, he could not hear Jean talking with Reiner and Bertholdt. If Jean was badmouthing him, at least Eren did not have to listen to it.

Still, moving his desk was depressing. He had liked his seat near the window, getting to look out at the city between calls and emails. He was in a corner now, right up against the far wall.

He already missed the sunshine spilling over his desk.

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Eren stomped through his front door, slammed it behind him, and let out a roaring scream that had been building all day. He threw the mail at the couch like they were shuriken, and he chopped up vegetables and chicken for dinner with a bit more force than normal.

While the meal cooked, Eren pulled out his phone and made a call.

"Hi, is Dr. Dhalis Zachary in? This is Eren Jaeger. Yes, I'll wait."

He finished dinner with the phone cradled between his shoulder and ear in an uncomfortable shrug. He began to eat while still listening to jazz music on the other end with an interspersed polite voice saying Please stay on the line. Your call is important to us. After half an hour, the Chuck Mangione music suddenly stopped, and Eren yanked the phone a little closer.

"Hello, Dr. Zachary. Any progress?"

His fork dropped to his plate as his eyes stared out in horror.

"I … I see," he whispered. "So it didn't work. Yes, I understand that, but I … I had hoped … I know!" he yelled. "I just don't have the money for the procedure. Wait, what? What sort of alternative? All right, how much is that? Wait, is that with health insurance?" he cried out. He listened to the doctor on the other end. "What's the success rate?" As he listened to the man on the line, his shoulders sank. "I see. Still, it'll help a little, right? For how long?"

His face went pale, and he stared forward in shock, slowly shaking his head.

"Huh? Y-Yeah, I'm … I'm still here. Okay, if that's what she wants, let's do it. Yeah, I'm sure. I … I can sell the car or something. One way or another, I'll come up with the money. Yes, I understand the risks, but unless something changes at my work, I just don't have the money for the other procedure. I know that, sir, but … but I can't take out another loan, and there's already a lien on the house, she refuses to sell it, and … yes, I tried that too," he sighed. "No, you don't have to apologize. I know you don't set the price on these things. Heh, yeah … prayer! That's done me a lot of good for us," he said sarcastically, but instantly cringed with guilt. "Sorry, I didn't mean … yes, I'm fine, just stressed. No, really, I'm okay. Let's get this set up. I can come over to the hospital tomorrow after work. Thank you."

He hung up, and his head hit the table.

"Dammit," he whispered, his voice choking up. His shoulders began to tremble, but he shoved himself up, his face tense with determination. This was no time to cry. He picked up his phone again and put in a call.

"Hi, how much would you take for a used Mercedes?"

"November Rain" by Guns N' Roses

NOVEMBER 12, 1994 (Age 15, 10th Grade)

It was too bright that day. It was November, and it should have been raining. That was all Eren could really think about as people in black stood around him.

Where was the cold November rain Axl Rose sang about?

Nothing felt real, and he wanted to escape, to run back to reality and into the arms of his father.

Reality was gone.

Mikasa patted his arm from time to time, but he could not even smile for her. She was losing a parent she had known for seven years; he was losing the only father he ever had.

People talked to him with quiet voices, sympathy, and empty words of condolence. He realized right away, people did not know what to say to two children who had lost their father so young, and Eren didn't know what to say back, besides a numbed "Thank you for coming" and a cold determination that he was not going to cry.

Then one face snapped the numbness, and reality crashed back in.

Dressed in an ill-fitted suit with his mother in a black dress beside him, Jean looked just as awkward as everyone else, maybe even more, since he had to face Eren and be civil for once. He fidgeted, while beside him his mother Nancy consoled Carla on her loss.

Eren snarled softly, "What the hell are you doing here?" Emotion finally seeped back in, and it was not grief; it was anger.

Jean frowned at the caustic greeting. "Look, your dad was a good man. Of course I'd come to his funeral."

Eren scoffed as his fists drew up instinctively. "So you'll honor him, but you'll probably call me Fag-Eren on Monday."

Jean looked stunned by the attack, but then he dropped his head. "No," he whispered. "Maybe this will cheer you up." He raised his eyes and said with his own emotional coldness, "My family is moving over winter break."

It did surprise Eren, and Mikasa as well.

She asked, "Moving where?"

Jean looked at both of them. "Trost. It's for Pa's work."

"Where is your father?" asked Eren.

Jean began to open his mouth, but he hesitated. He bit back his words and whispered, "He couldn't come." He glanced at Mikasa.

She nodded in a private understanding. "I'm not familiar with Trost. Where is it?"

"It's near the coast, small town, kinda redneck." He smiled flirtatiously at Mikasa. "You won't get to see my handsome face anymore."

"Good," Eren said with no remorse.

Jean looked hurt for a moment, but he sighed as he dropped his eyes to the side. "I'm really sorry about your dad. He was an awesome guy."

"Yeah, he was," Eren said, still feeling bitter.

Mikasa was at least a little more decorous. "Thank you for coming, Jean."

He tried to smile again, but it looked like it hurt him. "Watch over Eren, okay?"

"I always have," she replied dutifully.

Jean laughed softly and muttered, "Don't I know it!" Ever since Grisha took her in, she had practically been Eren's bodyguard.

Jean's mother then came over, and he stepped aside to let her hug both children. Eren stood stiffly as the stout woman embraced him. He could not meet her eyes as she repeated how sorry she was, how tragic this was, and other words of tearful grief. Finally, breaking down into sobs, Jean took her by the shoulder and led her away so the next family could come forward.

Eren's fists tightened more as he felt heat in his eyes and wetness on his cheeks. Mikasa looked over in shock to see Eren losing the battle to remain stoic.

No one questioned when Eren cried that day. Of course he would mourn.

Yet it had not solely been because he lost his father. He was also losing someone who had been a part of his life for almost as long as his own parents.

And he hated it! He hated that on that day, of all days, he had cried because of Jean Kirschtein.

It should have been raining.

At least then, no one would have seen his tears.

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Buried Myself Alive by The Used released in January 2003, so in context with my story, it was brand new. It's about abuse, the victim finding it a twisted "game" to bury his feelings and put up with it until he cries, until he finally breaks from the cycle and finds freedom.

While only an idea that Eren waits on hold, and my love for music that is blending into the scenes of this story, there is nothing quite so quintessentially "hold music" as either Kenny G or Chuck Mangione. I happen to love both musicians and have played Mangione's Children of Sanchez in bands (I play trombone). His most recognizable song is Feels So Good. You've definitely heard it, even if it's just in an elevator or waiting on hold.

November Rain is a power ballad by Guns N' Roses released as a single in 1992. At 8:57 long, it held a record as being the longest Top 10 song in the Billboard Hot 100, until 2021, when it was surpassed by Taylor Swift's 10:13 long hit All Too Well.