Chapter 23: Pain and Loss

Notes:

Many thanks to Pip-n-Flinx for betaing.

The next couple of weeks Ryder's sugar was acting really weird. First, she couldn't get her sugar down, then she couldn't get it up. It was exhausting, emotionally and physically. She experienced many lows and highs with new and strange symptoms.

Ryder continued to lead the pathfinder team, but one of her visits with Lexi got heated.

"Something is wrong with my implant," Ryder said when Lexi asked what was going on with her sugar.

"Ryder we've been through this," she reminded her, "Everything checks out. Besides, your sugar has been uncontrolled before. What makes it different this time?"

She couldn't say what, but she knew in her heart, something was off. Sometimes it felt like her implant didn't follow her commands through. "I can't say why. I just know something is wrong."

Lexi just sighed, "We'll see how things go next week." Ryder knew what that sigh meant. She was frustrated with Ryder. If only Ryder knew what to do about it.

As the days went by Ryder only felt more and more tired.

And then Ryder got this weird pain in her stomach one morning. It was sharp and twisted her stomach. She lifted her shirt. Where the incision was where they did the surgery was angry red. It looked irritated. It felt worse there, almost like it was on fire. She counted to ten, taking deep breaths. And then it vanished.

That was weird, she thought.

Liam told her that he shared some information that could hurt the Initiative and about the person that was caught. She wanted to punch him. But the pain returned with a vengeance in her stomach.

The pain took her almost to the floor. She groaned, placing a hand on her stomach. But like the first time the pain faded again. Instead, she was extremely dizzy and nauseous.

"Are you okay Ryder?" Liam seemed almost too afraid to ask.

"I'm…fine," she said in between breaths. It was tiring. "Go and tell Kallo to set a course."

But Liam just went on. "Don't you want to see Lexi?"

"No!" the answer came quick. "I'll be fine." The room was spinning and she closed her eyes for a moment hoping it would help.

He wanted to say something else but stopped himself. The words were on his lips but like her pain, it faded away. "You should get some rest."

She just nodded and staggered to her quarters. She wasn't sure how she got to her quarters. Room to room everything was spinning. She clung from wall to wall. Ryder fell on her bed and fell into a dreamless sleep.

When Ryder woke up she felt better. She was still dizzy but she could move around without the support of the walls around her. The room didn't spin around as much as before.

It still hurt, but it was like the pain was in the background. At least it wasn'tthatsharp and twisting pain.

Ryder wanted to do nothing else but crawl into bed again but she couldn't. She stared at her bed as if it was some sort of vacation she desperately needed.

"How are you feeling Pathfinder?" SAM asked. Ryder's head couldn't think straight enough for her to know if it was through their private channel, or somewhere else.

Ryder didn't know how to explain. "Not great," her answer was short, curt. She didn't have the energy to talk in long sentences.

"I do not advise in helping Mr. Costa while you're in this condition. You should see Dr. T'Perro as soon as possible."

"I can't SAM." She kept the reasons for herself. This might be nothing. She won't be stopping a mission or asking Cora to go in her place because she feels off. "If this keeps getting worse I'll go afterwards."

SAM didn't say anything else. But she took his silence for disapproval.

But of course, as the minutes and hours ticked on, she felt worse and worse.

Liam's mission was really something. There were a few times where she wanted to kill him. Then there were a few times the pain returned with a vengeance. Ryder didn't know what was going on, but she needed to hold on.

"Pathfinder," Ryder could hear the warning in the AI's tone, "Should I contact Dr.T' Perro?"

"I'm fine SAM." She was irritated and she was sure Liam's look when he shot her told her it was obvious.

But luckily SAM left it. At least for now.

The mission got weird at times. Lots of yelling and disagreements with Liam but at the end they succeeded. And she could feel a nasty headache building up. They rescued the people.

People bustling there were place for each one but it took some time to get everyone sorted.

An awkward conversation awaited Ryder and Liam. After talking to his contact they went to the meeting room.

"So," he awkwardly rubbed the back of his neck. "That…"

"Could've gone better." She went on where he trailed off.

"You're mad?"

"I'm-" but she couldn't finish. No one's words interrupted her. No one could like this sharp and piercing pain.

It was getting worse, her hands were holding the rails for support. Someone shouted out, someone whose voice was oddly the same as her own.

"Ryder?" Liam's horrified tone said it all. Something was horribly wrong. "Are you okay?"

She lifted her one hand and it was shaking but not from a low. She could feel the blood going away from her cheeks, and she had no idea where it was going. Ryder felt weak. It was getting harder and harder to stand. The room wouldn't stop spinning. No matter how many times she blinked.

"Pathfinder, you're bleeding internally," SAM's voice echoed in her head.

The thought scared her. What was going on?I'm bleeding? From where? And why?

"I'm going to get Lexi." Even if Ryder wanted to protest the pain had her full attention.

It had to pass. Why didn't it pass!?

Jaal heard footsteps. It was hard. Fast. And it was louder the closer the person got. He was pretty sure it was human footsteps. He didn't think it was Cora. Maybe Ryder?

The last time she ran on the Tempest she got exciting news she needed to confirm. Was this the case?

He peeked his head out of the crew quarters and was surprised not to find Ryder running but Liam. This was not a run of excitement but urgency.

That's when Jaal knew something happened. Something terrible. There was an emergency and he hoped it wasn't Ryder.

"Liam," Jaal said when the human stopped at the med bay doors, "What's going on?"

"It's Ryder," he said in between breaths. "She needs Lexi."

Liam didn't need to say it. His tone told the seriousness of the story. This wasn't just another battle wound. This was far worse. More serious.

Jaal didn't know if he could help Ryder but he did know he needed to be with her. At least that was something he could do.

"Where is she?"

"Meeting room."

Jaal ran as fast as his two legs could carry him. But no matter how fast his steps were he couldn't get there fast enough.

When he finally got there a lifetime later, Ryder was on the ground. Moaning. Every now and then she let out a scream.

The incredible pain she was in had too much of her attention for her to see him.

Ryder didn't know when it happened, but she found herself on the floor. She was hugging her stomach as if that would help. It felt like someone stabbed her again and again. And with each stab of pain, it grew worse and worse.

"Ryder!" someone shouted her name. It sounded an awful lot like Jaal but she couldn't be sure. She looked with her weak eyes at the angara before her. She couldn't see his face properly, but from the way he shouted her name she could tell he was worried.

He got her in his arms trying to sooth her and it took a while for her to realize he was talking to her until she heard it, "What's wrong?"

"It-"

"Lexi is on her way," a blonde figure said. It must've been Cora. Her vision was getting worse. Nothing was making sense anymore.

She felt her shirt being lifted, and the expression was blurry to her vision. But Ryder didn't think she'd ever seen that type of horrified look on Cora before.

"That bad, huh?" Ryder meant to lighten the situation but her words were too weak. Too frail.

"You'll be okay." But Cora's voice was far too shaky to be convincing.

Something is wrong, she might've thought it or said it. One looked at them and she knew she said it out loud.

And then suddenly she couldn't keep her eyes open anymore. It was getting harder and harder. Until the only thing she saw was darkness and the voices around her faded away.

Cora's words did nothing to keep Ryder from falling asleep. Falling asleep was a poor choice of words. She didn't sleep willingly. She lost consciousness.

It was best if Lexi took a look at her first. When she lifted Ryder's shirt she saw a spot where the colour changed on her stomach. It was a purplish colour.

She knew that was bad.

"SAM, talk to me."

"The Pathfinder is bleeding internally," SAM said as if that answered all of Cora's questions. But it wasn't enough. It was less than useless.

Cora hated internal bleeding. External bleeding, while you couldn't always do something about it you could at least apply medi-gel and put pressure on. There was at least an illusion that you could help. But now? She couldn't do anything.

"What's causing it?" Cora had to know. If someone had the answers it had to be the AI.

"Unknown."

Just before she could say anything else Lexi appeared with Liam and Vetra as well as a stretcher.

"SAM said…"

"I know." Lexi sounded stressed. Even worried.

Cora's mind worked overtime, "Do you know what's wrong?"

But Lexi didn't give an answer. Her hands kept working on Ryder.

Lexi worked fast. Too fast for Cora's eyes.

When Cora saw again they had an unconscious Ryder on the stretcher. No one said a word as everyone tried to get their Pathfinder as quickly as possible to the med bay.

Jaal paced. Pacing wasn't something he normally did. But this wasn't a normal situation.

Something was wrong with Ryder and no one had the answers.

Lexi was alone with Ryder in the med bay. It felt like hours but in reality, it only could've been minutes.

What was causing this? Wasn't SAM or even Lexi supposed to have the answers?

Did something happen on the mission? They said Ryder was bleeding internally. There were so many possibilities. Jaal tried to consider all the possibilities.

When she finally looked at him after he found her, she looked at him with her blue eyes. They were especially blue against her pale skin. Her frantic eyes met his, as if to make sure it was really him and not her mind playing tricks on her.

He tried to soothe her. He held her, or tried to, but he didn't want to hurt her any further. But it seemed to make no difference. Whatever was happening he couldn't help her.

He tried talking to her. Asking her what was wrong. Where it hurt. But there was no answer until she opened her mouth to say something, and it seemed to take all of her strength. But she never got the chance to say anything. She was in too much pain.

Cora appeared from thin air. Evidence that she ran was clear. She was out of breath, panting. Many of the signs he saw Ryder showed when she ran.

"Lexi is on her way," she reported. The blonde woman pushed Jaal out of the way. He's sure she didn't mean anything by it.

At first, he couldn't see what she was doing, but it looked like she was doing something with her shirt. As he looked at Cora the colour from her face drained, whatever she saw wasn't good.

Ryder tried to make a joke, Jaal never understood why. But she explained it to him once.

"It's to make a bad situation lighter," she replied when he once asked her.

But to him that didn't lighten the mood. Her voice was weak. It was getting harder for her to speak. She was getting weaker by the second and they all knew it.

Cora tried to assure her and he wished there was some way he could've stopped her. Because there was fear in her voice and that fear won't do anything to help Ryder.

Yet he saw none of it in those blue eyes of Ryder. She just looked so very tired.

Jaal shook his head, it will only worsen matters if he keeps thinking about what had happened to Ryder.

"Hey." A voice startled him. Jaal was too much in thought. When he looked he saw it was Liam.

His friend Liam was nowhere to be seen before now and Jaal had to wonder why. Maybe something did happen on the mission. Jaal wasn't on the mission, Vetra was. He hadn't had the chance to ask either of them. He wanted to be next at Ryder's side. He wanted to be there when she needed him.

"Hey," Jaal returned the greeting.

Nobody attempted to make a light of a bad situation. Things were too dire. The atmosphere alone was enough to tell anyone who lingered there.

"Heard anything back about Ryder?" Liam asked. Maybe it was curiosity Jaal heard in the human's tone. Or maybe guilt, but why would it be guilt? This was none of their fault.

"No." It was a short, straight answer. There was nothing else to add.

"Damn, I should have made other plans. I should've…" his friend trailed off. So, it was guilt. But why?

Nobody could stop Ryder from going on a mission. If Ryder set her mind on something she followed it through.

There was an awkward silence in the air. Did Liam expect him to say anything?

"You know she had these moments of pain."

It shocked Jaal. What was he talking about? It might explain the human's guilt. But no, he couldn't ask. He shouldn't even though he couldn't help to start getting mad. He wasn't sure at who. Liam or Ryder?

"The first one I saw happened was when I asked for her help," Liam continued. Jaal wished he stopped talking. The pain of Ryder he witnessed wasn't pleasant to his eyes. And it was still fresh. He could still hear the muffled screams that escaped her mouth. "It took her almost to the floor. It looked really bad. She was in a lot of pain." He nervously rubbed the back of his head. Something Jaal saw some humans do. "Then suddenly she was okay."

"Why did you still ask for her help, if that was the case?" It was the first question Jaal asked after hearing this story. Liam knew Ryder was suffering and yet he didn't tell anyone.

This was something Ryder did though. Not always telling the people she loved when she got sick or hurt. Especially as of late. He had to wonder if it had something to do with Tann. Afterthatconversation, she had with the Director she acted differently. More recklessly than normal.

Like she had to give her everything to succeed. Almost like it didn't matter what it did to her. Doing the job whatever the cost. That wasn't right.

"I already asked, it happened just after we talked. I told her to go to Lexi but…"

Jaal sighed. "She said she was fine." He knew Ryder too well.

"I'm sorry Jaal." The apology was hard for him. He could see it clearly now. Liam blamed himself. "I should've done something. Anything. I should've…" he trailed off and it was impossible to say what was going on in the human's mind.

Jaal was angry of course, but Ryder was the one who should've gone to Lexi with this. "It's not your fault. She's stubborn." He knew his words wouldn't change a thing. Words hardly do, it was actions that made a difference.

"Cora said Ryder was bleeding internally," Liam talked over Jaal's words. Why did he need to go further into this? He didn't want to relive those moments. He did it well enough on his own. He didn't need Liam's words to help him. "Maybe if I went to Lexi it could've been stopped soon enough."

The mental picture of that made Jaal laugh. "She would've killed you if you did that."

At that, Liam laughed too, "Yes. That's true." The laugh seemed to take things off his mind.

For a second there was silence until it got awkward again.

"Thanks man. I'll leave you to it."

Jaal wasn't sure what Liam meant. Being alone? His pacing? His worrying? Or something else.

A ping distracted Lexi from her desk. It was the medical scanner. She stood up from her desk and checked the results.

The stress she had because of whatever was going on with Ryder increased when she looked at the results.

Ryder was stabilized. She had a supply of blood trying to replace the blood she has lost thus far. And another IV on her other hand for fluids. Ryder was unconscious and still looked so pale and ashen when they brought her in. She wasn't out of the woods yet.

Lexi would need to perform an Exploratory laparotomy. But the scans also told her something was wrong with her implant.

It showed signs that it malfunctioned. The internal bleeding was one thing but her implant not working anymore was very bad. That will need to be removed as soon as possible too.

But Lexi's first priority is to stop the bleeding. She hoped it wasn't so complicated. Normally, something like this would need to be done at the Nexus. But Ryder needed the surgery now. She couldn't wait.

She would still need to recover at the Nexus. Lexi hoped a solution could be found for this mess.

The scans gave her fewer answers than she required.