Kevin let out a heavy sigh as he watched Johnny pull out of the driveway and head down the road. He almost wished that Johnny hadn't told him how he felt about him. Not that Kevin didn't feel similarly, but he had gotten so used to keeping his social life private that the very thought of his relationship with Johnny being revealed filled him with dread.

He got along well enough with his fellow firefighters. Hell, he was on his way to meet up with one of them right now for a few rounds of racquetball. But if any of them knew what he was really up to on his days off, well, that could cause a whole set of problems he wasn't ready to deal with.

But God help him, he was falling for Johnny, too. The sex was out of this world, of course, but that was far from the only draw. It was the quieter, more intimate moments, those times when Johnny let his guard down and showed his true self that drew Kevin in and made him believe in the possibility of something more.

So much for them just being casual.

To be honest, that had gone out the window a while ago. It was just that both of them were starting to come to the same conclusion. But now what? How would this work? He could hardly expect Johnny to give up his life and career to come here, and he sure as hell wasn't willing to give up his house and his own career to go to him. He hadn't even been to see Johnny yet. All their time together had been spent here.

Kevin supposed it was only fair for him to make that trip every so often. Johnny had lit up at the possibility, and Kevin didn't want to let him down.

Maybe this was just how it was going to be. That was fine, Kevin supposed, at least for the time being. But at some point, one of them was going to have to make a decision.

Something about that made something squeeze deep inside Kevin's chest, and he had no idea what to do with that.

He pulled into the parking lot at the health club and nodded at the desk clerk. Robert, his longtime friend who was now at another station was waiting for him, his bag slung over his shoulder.

"About time," he told Kevin.

"Sorry," Kevin replied as they started toward the locker room, "Got a little hung up at home this morning."

Robert laughed and nudged Kevin lightly. "Hot date?"

"No, nothing like that," Kevin answered casually, the lie coming out so easily even he was surprised by it.

"Okay, if you say so," Robert responded as they started changing.

Kevin couldn't help idly checking him out. Robert was awfully damn good-looking, built a little heavier than Johnny, though about the same height, with a smattering of light brown hair on his chest and stomach.

It wasn't as if Kevin was hot for Robert. No, he considered him a close friend, nothing more. But hell, that didn't mean he didn't appreciate him physically.

They finished changing and headed out toward the racquetball courts, finding an open one easily. "Do you need a warmup round?" Robert asked.

"Oh, I could probably use one," Kevin answered casually.

"Cool, you can tell me all about that hot date you didn't have," Robert told him with a brief laugh.

"Why don't you tell me about yours instead?" Kevin responded as he bounced the ball and served, "What's her name again?"

"Linda," Robert answered as they began volleying, "And it didn't turn out to be much. Dinner, a movie, and a walk. She just moved here, so she hasn't seen much."

"Nice of you to show her around," Kevin told him, "Are you going to see her again?"

"Maybe," Robert replied, "Told her I'd call her. She's nice, I like her."

Kevin whiffed a shot and trotted to pick up the ball. "But?"

"I don't know," Robert wiped his face off on a towel, "I get the feeling she's gonna make me wait before I get anywhere with her."

"Ah," Kevin nodded, "And you're not much for that."

"I mean, maybe for the right one," Robert countered, "But I don't know if she's the right one."

Kevin shook his head. "You ready to play a real game?"

"Sure."

They got into position, and Kevin served. The volley continued for a good long time until Robert missed one. They continued in that vein for a while, giving each other a hard time as one of them missed their shot, as was their habit.

"Okay, quick break before our next game," Robert told him before they both made their way over to the bench.

Kevin wiped off his face and accepted the squeeze bottle of water that Robert offered. He couldn't help wondering if their friendship would somehow change if he told Robert about Johnny.

No, it wasn't worth the risk. As it was, Kevin kept his circle tight, and with good reason. Once in a while when he was out, he'd spot other men he knew from the department. There seemed to be an unspoken agreement between them, and Kevin had every intention of abiding by that agreement.

He felt Robert nudge him, and he realized Robert had been talking to him. "Sorry, must have zoned out for a minute."

"I figured," Robert answered casually, "Ready for another game?"

"Whenever you are."

They arranged themselves again, this time with Robert serving. Kevin couldn't seem to help letting his mind wander, not necessarily about Johnny specifically, but more generally.

After his second missed shot, he shook his head. Robert looked at him with concern. "You okay?"

"Yeah," Kevin replied, "Just wasn't concentrating, I guess."

Robert looked skeptical but didn't say anything, serving again. This time, Kevin set his thoughts aside to concentrate more fully on the game, and this time the volley lasted far longer, only coming to an end when Robert missed a shot.

"Damn, guess you figured it out this time," he teased Kevin.

Kevin let out a short laugh. "Seems like you were the one off his game."

"Ha, ha," Robert shot back, "One more?"

"One more."

The last game was a fiercely competitive one, neither one of them wanting to give an inch. Finally, Kevin finished Robert off with a final shot, and Robert bent over slightly, resting his hands on his knees while he caught his breath. "Man, you always like to push it, don't you?"

"That's why you like playing with me," Kevin responded, "Someone's got to give you some competition, and you've damn near run everyone else off."

Robert merely shrugged. "Not my fault."

They left the racquetball court and returned to the locker room, continuing to idly chat as they cleaned up and changed. Soon they were on their way out and heading toward their respective vehicles.

"I'm serious, you should go out with me and Linda," Robert told him, "I'll bet she's got a friend that would really like you."

"Oh, I don't think so," Kevin replied, "I might have other plans."

"Other plans," Robert scoffed, "Like what?"

"Well…" Kevin hedged, "I'm probably going to go see a friend of mine in L.A."

"Friend, huh?" Robert grinned, "More like you've got some chick up in L.A. Don't know why you're keeping that a secret. Unless you've got good reason to."

"I've got my reasons."

Robert folded his arms over his chest. "She's either married, ugly, or in prison. Come on, Kev, I won't tell anyone."

Kevin debated with himself for a moment. If he did tell Robert the truth, it might be the end of their friendship. On the other hand, it would get Robert off his back. "Do you really want to know?"

Robert's eyes narrowed for a moment before he nodded. "Yeah, I want to know."

Kevin paused for a long moment. "Well, the truth is…she is a he."

Robert's eyes went wide. "She's one of those, damn what are they called…trannies?!"

"What?!" Kevin barked out, "No, no, not a transsexual. Good Lord. No, Robert, my friend in L.A., well, he's more than a friend and he's a guy."

Robert frowned, appearing deep in thought. "Oh. Does that mean you're, you know—"

"A homosexual, yes," Kevin cut him off.

Robert nodded, still appearing unsure. "But you were married."

"Yes, I was," Kevin replied patiently.

"Guess now I get why it didn't work out."

"One of many reasons," Kevin told him, "Look, I'm sorry. I didn't want to say anything."

"No, it's okay," Robert replied, shaking his head, "I mean, you're still my friend. That's not going to change."

"I appreciate that," Kevin responded, "But I'm going to need you to keep this to yourself. I don't need this getting around."

"Oh, don't worry," Robert assured him, making a zipping gesture across his mouth, "Your secret's safe with me."

Kevin wished he could be absolutely sure about that, but the cat was out of the bag now, and there was no putting it back. "I'm serious."

"I know," Robert told him, "And hey, good luck with that guy. I hope it works out for you."

"Thanks."

With that, they went their separate ways, agreeing to meet up again the following week. Kevin climbed into his car and started it up, finally letting out a sigh of relief. That had gone better than he hoped it would. He still wasn't sure he'd talk much more about Johnny, as he was pretty sure Robert wasn't quite ready to hear that, but he did feel some kind of weight lift after telling someone about Johnny.

It was a start. He'd take it.

# # #

Johnny parked the squad and made his way into the emergency room with an empty box under his arm. He stopped at the supply room and grabbed a clipboard to fill out the form.

The nurse at the door greeted him with a warm smile. "Morning, John."

"Hey…" Denise? Debra? Why couldn't he remember her name? "…Dana. How's it going?"

"Good," Dana replied as she took Johnny's form and empty box, "I'll bring this right back."

"Thanks."

Johnny leaned on the counter, glancing around while waiting for Chet. It wasn't long before Chet emerged from one of the treatment rooms and greeted Johnny with a nod. "Is she working today?"

"Who?"

"You know," Chet nodded toward the supply room.

Johnny glanced over the counter. "Oh, yeah, I guess."

"You guess," Chet scoffed, "Your new nurse radar must not be working. Surprised you haven't tried to hit on her yet."

"Who's to say I haven't?" Johnny countered. Truthfully, he'd chatted with Dana but hadn't made a move on her. Not that he didn't find her attractive, but he felt a little funny doing that now that he found himself being more and more drawn to Kevin.

Not that he was going to tell Chet that.

Chet merely rolled his eyes. "Maybe I'll, uh, have a word with her."

"Have at it," Johnny shrugged.

Chet's eyes narrowed but he didn't say anything further. Dana soon returned with the full box and the supply form. "Sign here."

Johnny checked the contents of the box against the supply form and signed the form, returning it to Dana. "Thanks. See you around."

Dana took the form with a smile and a nod, and he and Chet started back toward the squad. "Man, she sure is fine. Wouldn't mind getting to know her a little better."

"Tell you what," Johnny suggested, "Next time we catch a call, you can drive the squad in and restock."

"Sounds like a plan to me," Chet answered as they climbed into the squad, "Bet I'll get her number."

"Bet you will."

Chet appeared utterly baffled. "What's with you?"

"What do you mean?"

"You know exactly what I mean," Chet shifted in his seat, "Any other time, you'd be all over that girl. Now it's like you barely notice she exists. What's with you?"

"Nothing," Johnny tried to answer casually.

"Right," Chet's tone was skeptical, "What, you've got some chick hidden somewhere?"

Johnny couldn't help laughing at that. "Nope."

"Nah, you're right," Chet answered, "You'd never be able to keep that a secret."

If only Chet knew.

They drove back to the station in silence, and once Johnny backed the squad into the bay, he shifted it into 'park' and shut it off. He debated whether to tell Chet the truth about Kevin. They'd worked together for a lot of years now, and despite their differences, they worked surprisingly well together as a paramedic team. Maybe, just maybe, he could trust Chet with this.

He let out a short huff. "Okay, you wanna know the truth?"

Chet paused on his way out of the squad, shifting slightly and closing the door. "Sure."

"You've gotta promise not to say anything, got it?"

"Yeah, got it," Chet nodded, his brows knitting together, "So?"

"So…there is someone," Johnny started carefully, "It's kinda complicated. See, he's near San Diego and I'm here and it makes it kinda tough to see each other."

Chet looked confused. "You mean she, right? Because I could've sworn you said he."

"That's what I said," Johnny answered.

Chet seemed to think that over before he started laughing, a wide grin spreading across his face. "Good one. Almost had me there."

"I'm serious."

"Sure, you are," Chet shook his head as he started to climb down from the squad, "Imagine you being a queer. That's hilarious."

Johnny grabbed him by the arm as he rounded the front of the squad, and Chet responded with an alarmed expression. "Hey! What the hell?"

"Sorry," Johnny released Chet's arm and patted it lightly, "It's just, you know, I'm serious about this. I need you to keep this to yourself."

Chet eyed Johnny skeptically before realization seemed to slowly dawn on him. "Okay, okay. You need me to keep this to myself, I'll keep it to myself."

Johnny let out a quiet sigh of relief. "Thanks."

They headed into the day room, where the rest of the crew were otherwise occupied. Marco was stirring a pot on the stove, Mike was absorbed in his newspaper, and Ronald, the other lineman, was on the couch watching TV while Henry lounged alongside.

"Everything come out alright?" Cap asked as he came in and poured himself a cup of coffee.

"Oh, yeah," Chet answered, "Nothing too serious. You should ask Johnny all about the new supply room nurse, though."

Marco turned around, obviously interested. "Oh yeah?"

"Yeah," Chet replied casually as he dug around in the refrigerator and came up with an apple, "She's hot. Right, Johnny?"

Johnny pretended to busy himself digging through the cabinet for a coffee mug, hoping like hell his face didn't show how hot it was. "Uh, yeah. Yeah."

"So?" Marco pressed, "Did you get her number?"

"Uh, nah," Johnny tried to sound casual as he found a mug and filled it, "Think she might be more into Chet. Figured I'd give him a shot."

Marco gave Johnny a skeptical look before he shook his head and placed the lid on the pot.

"It's only because Johnny has himself a long-distance lover," Chet threw out casually.

Johnny froze as a murmur went through the room, followed by the usual ribbing. Christ, he should have known better than to say anything to Chet.

"Yeah, some chick down in…where was that again, Johnny?" Chet continued.

Johnny took a deep breath and exhaled before turning to lean against the counter with his coffee. "San Diego."

"Really?" Cap regarded Johnny with curiosity.

"Yeah," Johnny answered, shooting what he hoped was a sharp glare at Chet, "Met her at that convention I went to a few months ago."

Cap laughed a little and shook his head. "Life's funny, isn't it? Never know where it'll take you."

"Right, yeah," Johnny answered, amazed at himself how easily the lie slipped out. Still, something about it made his stomach churn. What the hell was he thinking, saying anything to anyone? At the very least, Chet was sure to look at him differently from now on.

The tones went off, calling out the entire crew, and Johnny set his worries aside in favor to answering the call. Once he and Chet climbed into the squad and took the address slip from Cap, they were on their way.

It was a brief call, and they started back toward the station. As Johnny backed the squad in, Chet spoke up. "You know, it's funny. I never pictured you as one of those types."

"Huh?"

"You know," Chet gestured, flicking his hand downward at the wrist, "Like some of the guys I used to run into when I worked at Station Eight. If you'd never said anything, I never would've known."

"Kinda regretting telling you," Johnny told him sharply.

"Oh, I don't mean anything by it," Chet replied casually, "Doesn't make any difference to me, I guess. Kind of figures, you know, seeing as you can't seem to keep a woman around."

Johnny curled his fingers around the steering wheel, gripping it tightly. "I like women."

"But they don't like you," Chet answered, "Doesn't take a genius to figure out why."

"Chet," Johnny was close to losing what little patience he had. Instead, he let out a huff and shook his head. "You know what? Forget it. Forget I said anything."

Chet shrugged. "Okay. Just trying to make sense of it, that's all. But I guess if whatever you've got going is working for you, that's all that matters."

Johnny relaxed his grip on the steering wheel. "Guess it is, so far."

"Great," Chet opened the door of the squad, "More chicks for me."

Johnny could only sigh and shake his head as he climbed down from the squad. Maybe telling Chet hadn't been a total mistake, but he sure as hell wasn't going to say much else about Kevin to him. And he damn sure wasn't going to tell anyone else about it, not even Roy. Not that he couldn't trust Roy with this, he supposed, but that knowledge would surely change things between them, and things were already complicated enough from Johnny's side. He wasn't going to make it more so.

He wasn't sure he felt any better by telling Chet. It hadn't made things worse, necessarily, but it hadn't made things any better.

Well, what the hell had he expected, anyway? Johnny wasn't sure.

"Johnny, come on!" Chet called from the day room, "Chow's on!"

"Coming!" Johnny called back.

As he joined the rest of the crew at the table, Johnny decided he'd be better off just keeping this to himself. Maybe there would come a time when his proclivities wouldn't be an issue, but that time wasn't here yet. He'd just have to keep it under wraps until then. It wasn't what he wanted, but what else could he do?

There had to be a better way to deal with this. There just had to be.