Author's Notes
This initial chapter starts telling when this story takes place and summarizes some events that happened in the 2020 game right before this story, describing some characters. I like battletoads stories because they are cartoony and don't take themselves so seriously; things don't need to make perfect sense all the time depending on how funny they could get. But I really tried to be as faithful to the series as possible and tried to make a good plot that's not that silly.
I hope you enjoy it. Coninuation, yess! Jeff is the protagonist on this one
CHAPTER Zero - Intro
Jeff was an important diplomat alien. He studied at one of the greatest universities of international relations on his home planet, and has an extensive knowledge about politics, including international and interplanetary relations. He's currently livng on another planet, Jercury Nine, on a diplomatic mission. The living room of his current house, a huge Palace, is full of sculptures, some awards, trophies, and arts, incuding a potrait of him. He works for an intergalactic organization that resembles UN in our world, created to promote peace in the galaxy after a great intergalactic war that happened centuries ago.
Jeff's a Skinny light blue alien with a huge skinny and tall brain on top of his head protected by a yellow layer that makes his head look like a huge octopus-like alien head. He has 3 light yellow eyes, small black eyebrows and very thin medium-sized lines of a moustache on his light blue face (a fish-like moustache). He wears a long dark blue robe with a yellow band as a belt, and dark blue gloves. Jeff is weak, polite, intellectual and gentle, but has a strong attitude, and a very uncommon skill: his body is, in fact, indestructible; (WHAT THE F-?) and can take almost any type of damage. And That's why he is often chosen to be sent on important missions of peace, on planets that have different groups waging on war.
During one of his "peacemaking" diplomacy missions, he met the Dark Queen, and they fell in love with each other. She is an adult white woman with black long hair, black goth lipstick on her mouth, and who normally used to wear a tight black bathing suit with a neckline, high black boots and a black cape. But nowadays, she mostly wears a purple long dress that looks like a lab uniform, with hidden technological enhancements, grey long pants, dark grey long scientist gloves, a purple cape and high black boots.
Jeff was bisexual, but the Dark Queen didn't care about it. She liked him anyway. But, it didn't last more than a few days because Jeff actually realized how evil Dark Queen was, and had to leave her. Long Story.
They've never seen each other again. Until one day, 26 years later, Jeff was told, by the Battletoads... that the Dark Queen wanted to challenge the Topians. The Topians were really evil and powerful god-like dictators, who could manipulate reality, and oppress other beings. So, like something a 'Hero' or a 'good guy' would do, Jeff was ready to give to the powerful Dark Queen the information she needed, so she would battle the Topians. If she challenged the Topians, well... she could win. Who Knows..? After all, Dark Queen was one of the most powerful beings Jeff Knew. He was living very far away from the Queen and her evil schemes. Jeff sometimes watches from a distance, sometimes, some conflicts that are too dangerous for him to go and interfere, or that are not that worth for him to interfere. Jeff never saw the Queen do anything bad during the 26 years while she was gone. Mostly he is busy taking care of what the intergalactic UN thinks it's important. Or... he gets easier jobs like the war between 2 tribes: Lumberjacks and Gymnasts on the planet Jercury Nine, where he currently is. But this task was not that easy, as it always isn't: Jeff had to get their respect, earning "medallions of Honor". He was ready to face this
But... a Lot of things happened.
Jeff almost made peace between those 2 tribes (Woodcutter Guys and Gymnastic Guys). But… The Battletoads ruined everything by: 1-Accidentally Knocking Jeff unconscious, 2-Pretending they were Jeff, 3-Accidentally killing a fly waiter during a meeting between the 2 tribes. 4- Running away sliding on Jeff's Body while he was unconscious... Well, But at least the tribes were still united. They united to try and kill the Battletoads (death penalty for killing the fly waiter), but the toads ran away.
Jeff was unconscious. But when he woke up, on the Toads' spaceship, he refused to Help D.Q. (Dark Queen) and the Toads. So, Dark Queen ended up forcing Jeff to give her the location of the Topians, threatening to throw him off in outer space. He gave the location, but she threw him out of the spaceship anyway while he peed his pants in fear, and acted like a total crybaby victim;
CHAPTER 1 - Heroes?
So.. Our Story starts when Jeff was thrown back in the planet Jercury Nine, by the Dark Queen and the Battletoads. He fell a tremendous height from the atmosphere and ended up unconscious on the ground; while the war between 2 groups: Lumberjacks and Gymnastics dudes, started again; because of Jeff's abscence. The tribes offended each other and... well... they basically liked to go back to their ''Sweet Sweet War" after being angry at one another again.
Jeff woke up after 1 week of coma
"ughh..."
A little dizzy, he looked around in the middle of that planet's dense forest, a bit blinded by few rays of sunlight coming down from the gaps between the green leaves from treetops covering the sun. He was used to living there for some weeks. The trees had a very dark purple colored wood and green treetops. Some trees were huge, standing tall, but others were cut in half. The ground had green grass, with stains of blue grass, both different types of grass, covering the floor. There were yellow and pink bushes around the trees, but some of them were really damaged. Some logs were on the ground. Some of the trees or what was left of them, had a lot of arrows with pink crystal arrowheads stuck in them
"what actually happened here...? Ohh nooo..." - Jeff Facepalmed and closed his eyes knowing that this could only mean one thing: his efforts were vain and... obviously, War. Again.
"DAMN THOSE STUPID BATTLETOADS AND THAT DARK QUEEN !"
Some little clumsy birds flew away with his very loud scream. He looked at the atmosphere, screaming at the top of his lungs; Like someone would listen anyway...
"and.. that outfit by the way queen.. is still horrible! Seriously?!" - and then he whispered - "the last one was sexier"
But someone in fact actually heard his scream. It was, no one other than, Axeley himself. The famous fighter/gladiator that was defeated by the Battletoads; walking 'round the forest
"Hey man, how you doin'? So... Heard that you hate the battletoads too."
Axeley was also an alien; his body was shaped like a cylindrical wood log. In fact, He IS a wooden log kinda. A yellow vertical woden log with arms and legs... He's the same height as jeff but with a thick cylindrical body with a round belly and lower body. His skin is completely yellow. He has only 1 eye, a small reddish one on his face, a mouth with normal but big teeth, a thick curved black moustache and a really big round black beard on his face. The back of his head has a little red hatchet stuck on top of it. And there's also 3 small circular saws stuck on his lower body on his abdomen area and his back. He's not hurt. These are normal accessories he wears. Axeley has 3 small chubby curved arms with round and big fingers on his hands. 2 normally positioned arms, and a third arm coming from his back.
"Those amphibian bastards ruined my work. Weeks of negotiations and meetings... all gone! ARGH...!" - Jeff complained
"They put me on the hospital. And I had to go there in my roomate's car…" - Axeley's eye started to tear a little bit – he was traumatized, and said with a crying voice:
"so much ketchup stains on the backseat… It was... horrible!... ...I got out of the hospital just now - his voice changed to a tougher angry tone - and I'm hunting them for revenge! I want a round 2, and my medallion of honor back!"
"So… ...you wanna fight the toads again…? Sorry, but I have a more important business to take care of. – Jeff said while dusting off his clothes. "There is still a war going on, really. I suppose you're fighting on the Lumberjack side?"
"I'm not. But don't waste your time. I know what you're going to try. They're not gonna listen to you, man"
"If I fail this, the Intergalactic UN council will be Disappointed with me, my carrer would be over"
"Oh, come on dude, you can't win 'em all"
"I have to stop this!"
Jeff was walking away, stepping strongly on the ground with anger, but Axeley said:
"..I think something smells funny around here"
"Gotta go! see ya!" - Jeff screamed and rushed running to his house, thinking "I better go take a bath"
...
After a while, he decided to talk to the head of the lumberjacks, and the head of the gymnasts, and called them for a reunion; In the next day, Jeff and the 2 leaders were alone in a meadow; an open area 20 meters away from lots of trees in the forest surrounding it; with long and round hills of green and blue stains of grass. They were sitting around a light brown metallic portable small circular floating alien table with floating futuristic round metal alien benches of the same color.
The Lumberjack leader was a fat and shorty green skinned individual with long orange hair and a really large orange beard and moustache covering his face, so that only his eyes could be seen. He wore a purple checkered shirt, brown pants, dark brown shoes, and had a pine tree tattooed on his forearm, on one of his green muscular arms.
The Gymnasts leader, however, was a light yellow skinned alien, also short, with a little fat round body, and a really long curved neck crowded with gold medals with blue and magenta ribbons. His head, along with his neck, were shaped kinda like a "J" letter, or a curved finger facing upward, with only one Big eye on his face, and a monocle on his eye. He had a small nose and a mouth. He also had a hunchback and wore a big purple sports jumpsuit, having very small feet with tiny blue shoes
"I'm really glad you're here. So... we already talked about how putting our differences aside mattered. But, what exactly caused this...?" - Jeff asked
"They made fun of our Snacks! They think we are dumb and filthy country folk! They think they're superior, they always did! and That's Racist!" - Said the Lumberjack leader.
"Racist!? At least we're not the ones destroying the entire forest! You dishonored our race mocking our ''landing'' on our tricks, because you simple minded fools can't appreciate the beauty of a well executed acrobatic stunt! It's artistic and not a filthy sport lke your noisy annoying wood-cutting axe-throwing nonsense competitions!"
"You're enslaving your own people on the crystal mines! We used to be slaves too in there!"
"Our miners are paid enough to do what they do."
"Wait, we already talked about this..." - said Jeff. But then the Gymnast leader continued:
"Almost Everything these freaks eat is made of Wood! And DON'T make me start talking about their TOILET PAPER. Their Toilet paper sheets are also made of WOOD too!"
The lumberjack leader was wide-eyed, and took a deep breath shaking his eyes with anger
"all right people, calm down..." - said Jeff trying to do what he did before. "I propose we.."
WHAM* A double huge axe was thrown in front of Jeff and stuck to the table. He was scared, looking at his reflex on it, with fear. The lumberjack leader stood up and said:
"No! we lumberjacks really respect you, Jeff. but I just came here to say that, last time was our last try! No truce!"
"Couldn't Agree more" - said the Gymnasts Leader
Mobs screaming were heard a few meters away on opposite sides. Because both sides used Jeff's meeting to make a surprise attack on each other this time. The leaders got up from the table and ran away, and so did Jeff, while the mobs got closer and started to punch each other and fight
"oh no...!" - Jeff screamed in fear
Arrows flew close to Jeff who dodged them turning sides, and, screaming loudly in a high pitched and almost girly tone, Jeff crouched, and dodged more axes being thrown, as he started to run and tried to get out of that mess; he ran to the top of a small hill away from the shots
"WAIT !" - with a deeper tone of his most manly voice, jeff screamed as loud as he could with his arms wide open
Everyone stared at jeff, with an awkward silence; a Guy who was holding other guy's neck stopped and looked. Alien guys with varied skin colors and body types, who were punching themselves, all stopped and looked, with this awkward scene of everyone looking like statues
Suddenly, A male creature screamed very loudly from afar, behind Jeff. "STOOOP THIS". A Scream that could be heard from meters away. He jumped and fell down close to that area, making a very loud noise hitting the ground with a huge Axe. He started to scream again, roaring and lifting his axe from the ground "EVERYONE STOP!"; his yellow skin on his chest was ripped, opening like it was a jacket showing his true dark brown human-like skin color under his yellow skin and a huge muscular frontal body emerging from it; with the presence of a huge round and triangular grey fluffball of bodily hair on his now extremely big and muscular brown chest and muscular abs. Except for the rest of his body that was still yellow. It was Axeley, the great gladiator of the Lumberjacks. He shook the ground and everyone was silent; but they knew Axeley declared himself neutral, and wasn't going to join the fight in any of the sides. Or would he?
"The BATTLETOADS are our TRUE ENEMY! They won the Medallions of Honor! But they dishonored them with their lies! The only legendary symbol that we respect enough, to even put our differences aside! And even killed an innocent fly!
Why fight each other, when we should all go and fight the BATTLETOADS!?"
and then, after a pause of a few seconds, the Gymnast leader decied to speak
"You have a point. But they are far away in outer space! Not our business anymore. And I would never work with these uncultureds again!" - said the Gymnast leader pointing his finger at the lumberjacks
"Dude, if ya wanna battle the Toads, Do it Yourself! Shut up dude!" - said one of the lumberjacks looking angrily at Axeley
Both groups started fighting again. A lot of punching noises and screams were echoing. Jeff was going to be hit by arrows and axes at the same time coming from different directions. But Axeley ran and picked him up, carrying him out of danger; Jeff was in panic screaming and hugged Axeley's body like a damsel in distress being carried by a knight or something. Axeley released him on a safer ground, and returned his body to his normal form. They started running away separately with their feet until they were out of the forest, stopping on an open area of grass hills, panting.
"Ok, this was weirdly embarrassing" - said Axeley thinking about the way Jeff held him
"Yes, in fact. Let's never talk about this again"
"Agreed."
"That's it. It's Over. I really can't stop this conflict" - said Jeff
"Told you so" - said Axeley
Jeff made a phone call with a huge telephone-looking device he took from his pocket
"I couldn't make it. It's too dangerous now. They won't give up. My apologies, monsieur. Code WAR"
"You did what you could" - said the phone voice - "You can get out of there now if you want. I'll share the bad news... It's Ok, but You'll also loose your current status failing an easier mission like that one. Your report better have a good reason, but it's not the end of the world for your carrer" - he hung up
"I never fail... I never do...!" - Said Jeff - "This only happened because of those STUPID Toads!"
"So... now we're talking " - said Axeley - "With your privileged info and gadgets, and my cunning Strength, we can have our revenge on the toads! And get MY medallion and my Gladiator Status back. Another conceptualized coliseum on better planets could hire me if I get the fame of beating the galactic-famous toads" - Axeley said while his body was smaller again in his normal form, flexing his now nonexistent and hidden yellow skinned muscles in a pose with his arms flexed upward and his back's arm pointing diagonally to the sky
"It doesn't matter! I don't care! I'll not win anything doing this..." - jeff screamed and then looked down angry while thinking
"...but, wait.." - jeff said
Jeff remembered that he could put the toads to shame, telling the entire galaxy of their crimes against him. But he wouldn't do just that. Jeff did want revenge on them and the Dark Queen, for throwing him off in space
"I accept your request. I will help you with my resources. And I will take you to the toads!"
"BLahahaaa that's it duude! I think this is the start of a great friendship, partner!" - Axeley shaked Jeff's hand crazily with his 2 main hands, pulling Jeff up off the ground in each shake, and then hugged him a bit laughing out loud, lifting him up turning him sideways for a second. He put jeff on the ground and then runned a few meters away and stopped, turning around lifting his hands up screaming and celebrating. Jeff was kinda dizzy standing up and said: "...Okay"
- On Jeff's House (Palace) -
"Allright, Axeley, make yourself comfortable while I do some research on the last things these toads did"
Axeley was sitting on a floating round couch while eating some nacho-lumberjack snacks in a bowl, watching the huge TV monitor in the room, with info on the toad-guys. Jeff was also watching the huge monitor, typing on his computer;
"And... these are the coordinates of the place where I fell down.. computer please calculate the angle that I fell... leading to this position... and now looking for public footage online from spaceships, related to this place on this date and time a week and a day ago..."
After a while, Jeff saw some videos of news close to that area and got really surprised, screaming
"Wait a minute... WAIT A SECOND... WHAT?... THIS IS..."
A video of The Queen/Toads' Ship blasting innocent civilian ships on space. Turns out the topian empire hunted them for destroying ships close to their interplanetary routes. But the rest of the intergalactic UN saw the video and agreed that there was no apparent reason for the murders committed by that ship blasting other ships. But the video could not identify who was the author of the crime. Jeff knew, cuz he had the coordinates of where he was left and saw the ship's appearance: A black and yellow detailed ship with a green graffiti insignia on it
"THEY'RE ACTUALLY REAL CRIMINALS, oh ho, hahahaha, Why Am I impressed ?" - said Jeff
Axeley was shocked. Only 1 Eye-widened, He stood up, pointing to the monitor with his finger using the hand on his back and his right hand
"And So I say that when we find them, I WILL KILL THEM !...
if needed to. I mean, I didn't wanna do that but... now that I know all of this... maybe!... If it would be publicly approved by my fans..."
"We have to tell the whole galaxy who really are that Evil Queen and those Reckless Toads" - completed jeff -..."But that can't be made without some type of proof... I just KNOW that is their spaceship"
Jeff tried zooming the image on videos but it was no use
"WHA- Wait a Second. Jeff, Man, if the Queen is involved in this, then we can't battle her!"
"Oh. I forgot. they were going to fight the Topians. I have to check if something happened"
"Man, That Powerful Dark Queen girl defeated the topians, alone all by herself! She's the new leader. This was all over the news."
"WHAT? NO WAY!... I mean... that's kinda great... I also hate the Topians... "
Jeff was thinking for a while and then said:
"If she beat them, then she probably found a way to also manipulate reality, or block their manipulation..."
"Maybe she's too powerful for us..."
After a pause of a few seconds, Jeff was determined and said
"I have to do something... can't let that Queen in power...If she could do it, we can too!"
"This is getting big. But I've never backed down a fair fight! We really need some sort of plan"
"Oh... that obnoxious Queen, how I hate her. I could call the police, or tell the whole galaxy she was responsible for the massacre, and the destroyed ships. But I have no proof... and even if I did, then she would come after me, again." - said jeff - "Besides, the topian policemen are corrupt and she's in control of them" - Jeff remembered the phrase: "it's not a crime if the Topians did it" - "...Wait a minute... I'm thinking. Ugh. I've been close to a lot of wars... but I never tried to do this sort of thing before. - said Jeff while walking in circles. After some minutes, he said
"I Think I've had an awesome idea.." - Jeff said and then bought online on his computer, a supervillain hi-tech armor with some spherical drones twice the size of his head each one, included. It was delivered instantly in cardboard boxes.
"Wait man. If We're the Heroes, then why the supervillain stuff?"
"Because they we're made so that weak geniuses can battle alone a lot of people at the same time..kind of like what the Queen does with her powers"
"They should call it just a super armor then"
"..in order to beat the Queen, I have to become other person.
That Dark Queen, humiliated me.. and now.. I am done! No more being pushed, and no more letting her do whatever she wants!"
"Whoa dude! That's the spirit! but... How are we gonna fight her?" - Axely asked
"Simple. We cut out the Queen's Power Source. We can beat her while she is powerless. And also deal with the Toads."
Some info on the queen's powers is shown on the huge monitor with a huge image of the Queen's uniform blueprint
"How do you know how to stop her powers?" - Axeley asked again
"Well.. it's a long story. But... she is my ex..."
"WHAT ?!" ... "ookay dude, I understand it's personal. But.. oh well... I think she might be too much in your head"
"She threw me off in space and I fell a height of more than a thousand miles! WHAT DO YOU THINK !?"
Jeff was so nice. A really nice guy. Better than Axeley's Roommate, as he once said. Axeley wasn't used to seeing Jeff that angry, screaming. But he understood instantly.
"Can't believe She did that to you man. You have My word, we're gonna get them!... So, already have a plan?"
Jeff changed his voice back to a less angry and more tired tone
"Meh. I'm gonna work on a plan after our break...I think I need a Day off... Do you want Pizza?"
"Fine by me !" - Axeley smiled
Jeff and Axeley talked for a while, eating pizza on the couch, and then played a coop beat 'em up videogame called "the Cattletoads". They were having fun, and even laughing a bit