Evangelion: You Shall (not) Win This Time
(Warning: all properties belong to their respective copyright holders/ creators. Eva to Anno, Reality Warpers to Yoshi3000, you get the idea)
They say that getting struck by lightning twice is bad luck, but getting struck by dimensional lightning twice at the same time, now that's a real pain in the ass. I used to be a regular guy. Not too smart, not to fit, spending some of my free time writing stories involving my favorite shows, movies and games to post on the internet while the rest was spent dealing with my personal life doing things like being with family, building GunPla, doodling pictures out of boredom, those kinds of things. But that all ended when two bolts of cosmic "screw your old life, here's something new without any notice" flung me from my home town during a rainy day to somewhere that could really use a kick in the pants. The next thing I know, I wake up in a penthouse suite inside of a version of Las Vegas that looked like it had gone through some major renovations with the city being expanded into something that could easily have been taken out of the pages of a Marvel or DC comic, let alone one of the futuristic cities seen in later Final Fantasy games. I look around the room trying to figure out just what the hell happened to me and why I was in Super Vegas, all while nursing a massive headache mind you.
"Jezzum freaking crow, what the hell happened to me? And why in the name of all that is sacred am I in some sort of futuristic Vegas penthouse suite?"
Well, parts of an answer came to me curtosey of an Asian female with long green hair and matching eyes wearing a French maid's outfit who strangely reminded me of the Yu-Gi-Oh monster "Wynn the Wind Charmer", except that she looked like she was about 19 years old.
"Sir, the other SEELE members are waiting for you in the study."
That's when things started to slowly but surely come together once I had realized that I was in an alternate version of Neon Genesis Evangelion where I was the agent of the organization's American branch. Even though I had a location, I still needed to figure out how I wound up here, what do I do now, and why I have this raging headache (though I'd pretty much chalk it up to the whole "getting struck by lightning twice" deal that I just went through). I knew I couldn't just leave the maid in my room hanging, so I chose to respond to her in the best way I could think of given my current situation.
"Thank you, tell them I'll be with them in a few minutes."
She simply nodded and walked out of the room in a slight hurry while I decided to change out of the lime green pajamas that I had on (though I wasn't wearing 'em back on Earth Prime). Looking in a nearby closet, I decided to settle with a white dress shirt under a red newscaster's coat with a pair of black slacks held up by some kind of furry belt that I didn't remember putting on for some reason and a pair of black faux leather loafers to pull it all together. A few minutes of inspecting any changes to my appearance later with my eye and hair color changing to jet black and I was ready to go face a bunch of old fossils hell bent on instigating Armageddon. Walking through the halls of the penthouse, I eventually find the room labeled "Study" before opening the door to be greeted by the head bone bag himself: Keel Lorenz.
"Ah, the illustrious American representative finally graces us with his presence. Take a seat."
I decided to play along for now and sat down in between the SEELE representatives of France and China: a pretty slender Caucasian female with waist length black hair and dark blue eyes wearing a red strapless gown under a black blazer and a pair of white pumps that made her look like she was gonna go clubbing after we were done here to the left of me and a muscular elderly Asian male with slicked back silver hair and jet black eyes sporting a beard that would make the world beard growing champion jealous based on styling alone wearing a bone white suit with black loafers. Yeah, not really fitting the description of the kind of people you would think would be trying to destroy the world for their own personal gain, or at least what I think of. So here I am, nursing a giant headache while I have to listen to the old fool that thinks he's leading this operation prattle on about their evil plan.
"As you know, we don't have much time left before our plans go into full fruition. We only have two months before the arrival of the third angel as it was prophisised in the Dead Sea Scrolls. I have made sure that Evangelion Units 00 and 01 are complete and ready to fulfill the jobs they were designed to do. Unit-02 however has unfortunately hit a slight delay."
Hmmmmmmmmm, so by piecing the bits and snippets of information I've been getting today, I had been sent here two months before the start of the actual series. Perhaps I could use this to my advantage. I mean, I have all of the members of SEELE, which apparently includes myself in one room, there's something just bound to be able to do away with the rest of 'em in one go in this room, then I could maybe take down NERV while helping Shinji become a more powerful god then he could ever become in either the series, the "End of EVA", or the "Rebuild" movies while teaching the pricks in this universe that needed to be taught a lesson in the slowest and most painful way possible (man I sounded sadistic with that, didn't I?). But before I could even think of doing any of that, I still had to deal with the big elephant in the room: how to do away with the other 14 SEELE members so I can figure out what to do next? I knew I didn't have a gun on me to do it in the simple/ sloppier way, and I knew I couldn't ask to be excused from the room while a bomb or grenade goes off in there to blow 'em all up, plus I couldn't see anything in the room that could be used as a lethal weapon to defend myself since I was pretty sure that they were all packing heat in case one of us decided to go rouge. Though I couldn't blame 'em, I was planning to do that right now. Plus this damn headache wasn't doing anything to help me as I had to keep listening to Keel and the other go on and on and on and on about how Second Impact really screwed up the world and how they think that the Human Instrumentality Project was the last resort for our race's survival, but anyone who knows anything about this series knows what happens during Instrumentality/Third/Fourth Impact, and that their whole idea of it was nothing more than a boat load of pure, unadulterated bull crap. I sigh mentally as I figure that all I could do right now was sit back and listen to this mountain of lies and delusional ramblings until I can figure out how to carry out my own agenda, which leaves me to just utter a quiet sigh as I place my hands on the table's edge, thinking that I wasn't gonna be able to make any difference to this world today...or so I thought. You see, it turns out that when I placed my hands on the table, the other SEELE members who had body parts resting on it started to look like they were in the middle of a massive seizure as I watch 'em spasm and twitch before Lorenz notices what's going on.
"What is the meaning of this?"
I would have warned him about what he was about to do before he put his hands on the table and started spazing out too, but two reasons prevented me from doing it: the first being that even I didn't know what the hell was making this happen and why I wasn't affected by it. What was the second, you may ask? Well, this was kinda playing right into my hand, and I really didn't want to. A few seconds later and I take my hands off the table to see that pretty much every other SEELE member, Lorenz included looked like they had all died from a series of fatal heart attacks. Despite this being kinda what I wanted to happen, I still had to wonder why I wasn't dead on the floor or on the table like the rest of 'em. Of course today being what it was, I didn't even have the time to think about what just happened because of a portal that probably had absolutely no reason to be there started to glow behind me as someone steps out from it: someone that I actually recognized considering that I was the one who created him.
"So the rumors are true: a new level 10 Warper has come to be."
And that's when it all started to hit me like a sack of hammers: the lightning, me winding up in the world of Evangelion, most likely the reason why I didn't spaz out and die when I touched the table like the rest of the bone bags, pretty much everything. I had read up on the subject and even got a little cyber buddy/cyber buddy with the guy who came up with the whole concept, but I never thought that this was how I would become an all powerful level 10 Reality Warper! (No joke, I always thought I would get to that level through something that would speed up the process while I was still on Earth Prime.) Of course I knew what was coming next considering that I had written a similar sequence in one of the projects I was working on back on Earth Prime, so I payed attention to what the Hispanic male facing me had to say.
"I assume you already know who I am and why I'm here, but in case you forgot, allow me to give you a refresher: my name is Tulio Rodriguez, I'm an agent for the Order of Reality."
Knowing what was coming next, I chose to pipe up on the matter.
"And you're here to register me with the order now that I'm level 10, right?"
Of course Tulio confirmed my suspicions by saying "You catch on quick, don't you?"
To which I can only reply "It's been a really long day for me, I've had time to piece it all together."
He chuckles before telling me "I'm sure it has been quite a day for you. You know, this truly is a momentous day for all Warper kind: the day that a new level 10 Warper comes into power. You'll be joining a very exclusive group of people this day: a group consisting of the likes of Mrs. Loveless and the mighty Blackthorn family: the most powerful group of Warpers in all of existence."
Normally, I would be pretty excited about something like this, but with the migraine from the lightning and having to sit through the delusional fantasies of those old geezers, all I wanted to do right now was lie down in bed and figure out what I was gonna do now that I was here.
"Listen, as much as I would love to get the whole rundown on this whole "level 10 Warper" thing, do you mind if we just get down to the paperwork? I gotta raging headache from the way I got here in the first place, and I really just wanna go lie down until it fades."
Surprisingly for a bureaucrat, Tulio was pretty understanding about the whole thing.
"But of course, being hit with dimensional lightning will do that to a man. Now, if you could just sign these papers, we can get things all settled with the council, who I'm sure would love to meet you once you've recovered."
The Hispanic bureaucrat then handed me a set of papers to fill out and a pen to do it with as I began to fill out the vital stuff: who I was, what universe I came from, the date of the universe I wound up in, crap like that. I hand the stuff back to Rodriguez before he gives it the old comb over.
"Hmmmm...I realize that you didn't put your real name here. Is there any real reason for doing that?"
I already had my answer to that ready when I responded "Well, considering how I was rather protective about my true identity back on Earth Prime, I'd rather use an alias just in case people back home or other Warpers see or read any of this. That gonna be a problem?"
To which Tulio answers "Nope. With a case like that, it would be a perfectly acceptable reason, "Mr. Desmond Bishops". Well then, everything else checks out, the Order will be in touch when you feel ready to meet with them. But in the meantime, please enjoy this "Welcome to Being a Reality Warper" gift basket while you rest up. It's nothing too special, just some assorted soaps and candies from across the multiverse, a new phone with unlimited talk, text, web and access to both Earth Prime and local internet that you'll never have to pay a phone bill for ever again, an official checkbook for your dimensional bank account, a dimensional ID that will change rank every time you level up, a rule book containing the Warper laws that you should know, and the first 50 episodes of "Talk Time with CherieRoseLoveless", one of our most popular shows."
Hearing the whole "changing rank when leveling up" thing made have to ask. "Wait, if I'm already the highest level a Warper can get to, why did you say that my ID would change based on whenever I would level up?"
Tulio replied "Oh right, sorry. Do this with enough fictional characters that learn that their world isn't real, and it becomes quite the habit. So, until we meet again, I bid you good day, sir."
Well, it was official: my days of being a regular shmuck were over and my days as being one of the most powerful beings in the multiverse had just begun. But I knew there were still some things to take care of before I could really do anything with my newfound power, namely dealing with the pile of evil dead old people in my apparent study. I probably could have the maid take care of it, but if she was anything like how I imagined "Wynn the Wind Charmer" could be, she would most likely black out the very first second she saw the bodies. I couldn't bare to make her do that, so I chose to stop her before she entered the room.
"Uh, I probably wouldn't go in there if I were you, miss..."
"M-miyabi, sir. W-wynn Miyabi."
"Right, right, sorry. Rough day. Listen Wynn, don't panic, but I may need you to call an ambulance. Again, don't panic, but the other SEELE members may or may not have all suffered a series of massive heart attacks during the meeting, and they may or may not be...well, what would be the best word to use in a situation like this?...dead."
"Oh my goodness! I-I-I'll make the call right away!"
I made up a quick excuse to draw attention away from myself since she was sure to ask questions regarding how this all happened.
"I honestly don't know what happened. One minute we were talking about the project that was going on in Tokyo 3, the next, they're all spazing out like they were all having massive seizures and before you know it: they're all lying down dead on the floor or slumped over the desk."
Of course she had to ask the one thing that I didn't have an answer to that wouldn't make her a Warper too. I mean I could have said it, but then she would probably think I was crazy and call the cops on me saying that I did it.
"But why aren't you dead as well, sir?"
I had to think fast, so I replied by saying the only thing that came out of my brain at the moment: "I guess it's because I'm younger than all of them and I try and take better care of myself? I honestly don't have a decent answer to that. All I know for sure is that we need an ambulance here, pronto."
She then quickly calls 911 while I slump back in an armchair and wait to give out my side of the story when the medics and possibly the cops show up. Great, when something good-ish happens today, two bad things have to happen to me too. Thank god that getting the authorities off of my back was relatively easy thanks to my political status in this universe, but I still had to make up a quick story about what happened to the other 14 codgers. Once all of the bodies had been cleared out and all of the emergency service members had left me alone, I decided to try and relax by sitting down in the center of the large half circle shaped sofa in my living room and turn on the TV to try and take my mind off of things. Thank god that I wound up in a universe that had on "Harvey Birdman: Attorney At Law" on a version of Adult Swim that had branched off from Cartoon Network to become its own channel, I could really go for some legal based Hannah Barbera comedy right about now. The commercials come about as I shift my attention to Wynn who was still standing there with a concerned look on her face.
"Look, I'm still freaked out about what happened too, but I guess it was just their time. And when the big man upstairs tells you that it's your time, there's just no point in fighting it."
Well, I guess that my little pep talk didn't really work since Wynn still looked like she was still freaking out about it mentally.
"I-I-I'm aw-w-ware of th-that, s-s-sir. B-b-but i-it still doesn't m-make it any l-less scary than it already is."
She had me licked on that, I had to hand it to her. But even so, I still had to soldier on with my plans. And I had just the right idea to get them in motion.
"I know that this probably isn't the best time to talk about this, but before the uh, let's just call it an "incident" and leave it at that, the other members had assigned me to look over NERV's operations in Tokyo 3, and I think that it would be a good idea if you came with me. You know, to get away from well,...this and what happened today."
I could already tell that she was pretty hesitant to leave this city behind because she remained silent for a few moments before finally piping up.
"I-I w-would be willing to go with you, sir. B-but I do have a request."
After having to deal with what she did today, I was more than willing to hear her out.
"Alright, tell me what you want."
"W-well, wh-what I-I would like w-w-would b-be th-that m-my r-r-roommates be allowed to come with me. W-we've been v-very close f-for a v-very long time, a-a-and we really don't like being apart from one another. W-would th-that b-b-be alright with you, s-s-sir?"
Of course I was willing to do it, but saying "yes" to her request without asking a follow-up question would make me look like an incompetent employer.
"How good are they at keeping house?"
"Th-they would be more than willing to help me keep things tidy while you're away for the day. Th-they always h-help me h-however they can when we're at home together."
I had all I needed.
"Good enough, tell 'em to pack their bags to travel to Tokyo 3 since I'm hiring them to be your assistants."
She was ecstatic, just like I thought she would be.
"Th-thank you, sir. I-I'll call them r-right now. I promise that they won't let you down."
I tell her that it's no problem given the situation and excuse her for the evening so she can get her affairs in order before the big move as I shift my attention back to the legal antics of one Harvey Birdman before heading off to bed a few hours later, just glad that this day was over. I would meet with the Order of Reality eventually, but for right now, I just wanted to get my plans rolling along and for that, I would need rest. I lie down on the bed waiting for my eyes to close for the evening, but not before I was hit with one more little surprise for the day when I went to go undo the thing that I thought was a belt as it unfurled on its own to reveal...an actual working primate's tail, which could possibly mean one major thing that made me thank whoever was looking after me that tonight wasn't a goddamn full moon.
"Oh, screw me."
Looks like I'm gonna be meeting with the order a little earlier than planned...wonderful.
(Author's Note: Yep, it's that kind of story with me going around with god-like powers messing around with the Evangelion timeline. How is this one gonna be different than the others? Well, you'll just have to read to find out. For a full comprehensive list of the ranking system of Reality Warpers, please visit the third chapter of Yoshi3000's "Send In the Miis", it'll have all the info you need on Warpers. Until next time, don't forget to favorite, follow and review and as always, DSX62415, out.)