RANMA and KENMA 1/2:
Martial Arts Mayhem
AUTHOR'S NOTE:
Welcome, one and all, to our adaptation of the 2024 Ranma remake. Honestly, I see this as a way to iron out the writing goofs I made with the original "Life and Times of Kenma Saotome" series. Don't worry, that series will continue. But let's just say I'm glad I don't have to say goodbye to the wacky little world I've settled into.
This adaptation of "Ranma 1/2 Kai" [my fan-nickname for it] will feature some stuff from the old show and the original Kenma stories brought in, but adjusted to fit this new universe. Plus, this one may give us a chance to do some stories we didn't get to cover in the original [i.e., a couple of the story-based videogames, and the live-action movie].
EPISODE 1:
"Here's Ranma" [again!]
FEATURING THE VOICES OF:
Suzie Yeung/Megumi Hayashibara as Ranko
David Errigo Jr./Kappei Yamaguchi as Ranma
Jason Griffith [credited as J. Griff] /Jun'ichi Kanemaru as Kenma
Fred Tatasciore/Chō as Genma
J. Michael Tatum/Akio Otsuka as Soun
Laura Post/Kikuko Inoue as Kasumi
Stephanie Sheh/Minami Takayama as Nabiki
Valeria Rodriguez/Noriko Hidaka as Akane
Kaiji Tang/Koichi Yamadera as Jusenkyo Guide
and guest starring DAVID KAYE as the Postman
IN A SOMEWHAT-IDENTICAL UNIVERSE, IN THE YEAR 1987…
ANYTHING GOES MARTIAL-ARTS
TENDO DOJO
Soun Tendo was outside of his home/dojo, sweeping the front walk, when he saw the postman pull up to the curb on his bike.
"Mr. Tendo?" he queried.
"Yes?" asked Soun.
"Here's your mail!" the postman said as he handed it off to Soun.
"Thanks," said Soun as he accepted the card, while the postman drove off. As the mustachioed man gazed down at the postcard, his hands began to tremble.
No time for pleasantries.
Bringing Ranma and Kenma back.
We're coming from China.
Lotsa loooove, Genma~
By now, Soun was sobbing tears of joy. It had been AGES since he'd heard from his oldest friend!
"So…they're finally coming…!" he sobbed. "I've been waiting for this day for so loooong!"
After he read the postcard, Soun knew that he had to let everyone in on the news. So, he dashed indoors, waving the card over his head.
"Hey!" he exclaimed. "Kasumi! Nabiki! Akane!"
First, he poked his head into the kitchen. "Kasumi!" he called.
"Uh-huh?" asked the eldest daughter, turning around. "Dad, what is it?"
Next, Soun rushed upstairs and pushed open a door labeled NABIKI; the girl in question was laying down on her bed, feet in the air, while reading a magazine.
"Hey! Nabiki!" wheezed Soun.
The bob-haired brunette looked up from her magazine, a blue popsicle in her mouth. "Hmm…?"
Finally, Soun poked his head into Akane's room…but it was devoid of life. "Akane?" he asked, looking around.
The girl in question, Akane, age 16, was out on a jog.
"Guess she's not here right now…" mused Soun.
Nabiki poked her head around the corner. "I think she went out to train," she suggested.
Soun glanced down at the postcard with a smile, much to Nabiki's confusion.
Outside, Akane rounded the corner and returned to the dojo, finishing off her afternoon jog. "I'm back!" she called.
Up in her room, she switched out of her jogging gear and into a martial-arts gi. Once she did that, she headed outside and set up some cinder blocks in a pile.
With a furious "HAAAH!", she drove her hand down and pulverized the cinder blocks, smashing them in half.
CHOOM!
Once the bricks were broken, Akane happily wiped her sweaty brow. "Ah! That felt good!" she exclaimed.
"You're at this again?" inquired Nabiki, standing behind her.
"Of course I am," responded Akane. "All this doesn't happen on its own."
Nabiki rolled her eyes. "You're never gonna find a man that will like you if you keep acting like this," she chided.
"Ask me if I care," snapped Akane. "How many times do I have to keep telling you that it doesn't matter, because I HATE MEN!"
"Is that so? Because I know someone on the school hockey team that would say otherwise," smirked Nabiki. "But…I guess what I was about to say wasn't relevant."
Akane raised a brow in curiosity.
A little while later, a storm was brewing in the skies, and as the rain fell, the Tendo daughters were gathered in the living room with their father.
"Wait, a fiancé?" asked Akane, bewildered.
Soun nodded. "They're the young sons of a good friend of mine," he explained. "Their names are Ranma and Kenma Saotome. I believe it will secure the future of our dojo if two of you three were to take their hands in marriage…and you will inherit it when I pass on."
"No, what?! Back everything up!" Akane exclaimed, slamming her hands on the table. "Do you even HEAR yourself? I'm NOT going along with this!"
"She does have a point," admitted Kasumi. "We haven't even met them yet."
Soun smirked under his bushy mustache. "Don't worry," he said, revealing the postcard. "You will soon enough."
After a while, the rain let up. But the true storm had only just begun…
As everyone in the streets of Nerima turned their heads, they saw what looked like a great big panda bear racing after a pink-haired girl with a massive backpack, flanked by what looked like a ginger-haired boy in a blue, ripped, short sleeved jean jacket & Japanese sweatpants that spelt out "Senpai" on the side in kanji, and beige boots, a hood covering his head and a cloak flowing behind him.
The panda extended its arms, ready to swipe down, but the boy leapfrogged over his head, and the girl vanished…or so it seemed.
Turns out she'd just leapt into the air, tumbling freely.
"Back off!" she shouted as she tossed her backpack aside, and the boy caught it. "You big, fat jerk!"
And she knocked him on his ass with a flying kick. As the panda crash-landed, people began to crowd around the brawlers.
"Is that a panda?"
"It's a panda…"
With the crowd muttering, the boy looked to the girl, who gave him a firm nod. Giving a thumbs-up, the boy immediately started doing crowd control.
"OKAY, PEOPLE! LET'S GO! MOVE YOUR ASSES!" he shouted, trying to shoo the people away. "Remember, you don't hafta go home, but ya can't stay here!"
The big panda then got back on his feet with a kick up, before assuming a fighting stance. The girl got into a combat stance as well.
"Come on!" she declared.
The panda thrust his paws forward, but each strike was blocked by the girl's ferocious kicks; the bear launched a punch, but his furry fist was caught by the girl.
However, he was ready for that, since he flung her off, into the air. The ponytailed girl had landed safely on top of a stop sign, while the panda shook off his shoulder.
Of course, when the monochromatic bear had turned around, the girl was gone. Glancing around, he was surprised to see the girl standing behind him.
He swiped at her, but she flipped over his back and sent him flying with a kiai shout that knocked him back five feet, sending him into a collapse.
"Well?" the girl asked, panting. "Not so bad for a girl, am I right?"
"I'll say," the boy responded, clapping from under his shroud. "Whup, maybe I oughta save the applause for later."
At that point, the panda got back to his feet, getting ready to rumble once more.
"Already back on your feet, eh?" asked the girl. "Try not to slip a disk while you're at it!"
The panda drew back, and lunged again, dealing blow after blow as he and the girl kept moving, with the boy following behind.
"Ooh, I guess we're movin' on!" called the girl, as the panda started dealing out blows. "How…many times…do I have…to teach…you…this lesson…old man? I! AM! NOT! GETTING! ENGAGED!"
The panda roared out and swung his fist, but the girl caught him. "THAT'S NOT UP TO YOU!" she bellowed as she judo-flipped him and slammed him to the ground on a stop sign.
BA-BA-KOOM!
"Alright, I'm going back to China now," she declared. "Enjoy the rest of your lousy life, ya miserable old fart. Kenma, c'mon."
The cloaked boy nodded and came over to her. "Alright, then how are we getting there?" he asked.
"Oh yeah, I don't know..." the ponytailed girl said with a sheepish grin.
Kenma sighed. "Honestly, you're impossible," he remarked. "I suppose we're gonna swim back?"
"Well, it's an option—" the girl began, before…
KLONG!
The pink-haired girl teetered for a few seconds before she passed out, upon which she was tossed over the panda's shoulder.
"Hey! You could've killed him, you maniac!" the hooded figure shouted. "What, have you got bricks in your head?"
Again, the people began to crowd around. "The panda's grabbing that girl!" "But why, though?"
Immediately, the bear began to snarl and growl at the people, making them back off.
As he did, the hooded figure suddenly clutched at his head, wincing a bit, as though he was experiencing a small headache.
Why…why does this feel…familiar? he thought to himself. It's…it's almost like…
…like I've done this before…
"The Saotomes recently went on a trip to perfect their martial arts," Soun explained to his daughters. "And it seems like they'll be stopping here on their way back from China."
"Wooow~" Nabiki mused. "China, huh?"
"OK, but that doesn't mean they're any good at it, though," Akane muttered.
"So…are they cute?" inquired Nabiki.
"And how old are they?" Kasumi chimed in. "I don't want a younger man."
Soun gave a hearty chortle.
"Oh, come on, tell us what Ranma and Kenma are like!" Kasumi and Nabiki insisted.
Soun's hearty chortle ceased. "Don't know."
The daughters blanched.
"You don't?" asked Nabiki.
"Nope."
"Nothing at all?"
"I've never even met the lads…at least, not since they were babies."
"Really?"
"Really-really."
Then came a shout from down the hall. "LET! ME! GOOOO!"
"Could it be…?" muttered Soun.
"Someone's here," noted Kasumi.
"STOP IT!" came another shout.
Nabiki leapt to her feet with a delighted squeak. "I bet that's them now!" she exclaimed as she ran around the corner.
Soun didn't hesitate to join her. "Genma!" he declared. "It's been so long!"
Akane sighed. "...Nabiki…"
"Oh, well," Kasumi shrugged. "Let's go and say hello. It would be rude not to."
And so, the girls went.
I hope at least one of them is older than us, thought Kasumi.
Akane sighed. I'm already over this…
But just then, their middle sister and father came scurrying back around the corner.
"Huh?" asked Akane. "What's wrong?"
And like that, her question was answered as the panda came stomping down the hallway, with a girl over his shoulder, and a cloaked boy at his side.
"Why the panda?" she asked.
"You'll have to forgive him…" said the boy, tenting his hands. "He's very…stupid. Like, we tested him and he is above the line for being called a moron."
"Look! You are scaring everybody, so PUT ME DOWN!" screamed the girl.
"So, are these your friends?" inquired Kasumi.
Soun quickly shook his head "no".
"WELL, IF HE'S NOT YOUR FRIEND, THEN WHAT'S A GIANT PANDA DOING HERE?!" shouted Nabiki.
Again, more head-shaking.
"BUT IT'S WEIRD, RIGHT?!"
Shake, shake, shake.
The panda placed the girl down before the four, and the boy stepped up next to her.
Soun glanced at the girl. "Wait…are you—?" he began.
The girl clutched her ponytail braid sheepishly. "...Ranma Saotome…" she blushed.
"And I…" the boy said, removing his hood. "...am Kenma Saotome."
To the girls' surprise, he had a somewhat mature-looking face; a squared-off jaw, visible sideburns, and a small auburn mustache above his upper lip.
Kasumi blushed lightly, and Nabiki had to check herself to make sure she wasn't drooling.
"Oh! Really now!" Soun beamed. "So you are!"
"Whoa, a twofer!" Nabiki grinned. "One's cute, and one's hot!"
"Oh, this is delightful!" Soun exclaimed as he scooped Ranma up in a hug. "I gotta tell you, I've been counting down the days to this moment for so many years! Gosh, probably since the second I heard Genma had sons! I mean, you were adorable as infants, but I didn't think you'd both be so…"
And then, he stopped.
"WHAT?!" he exclaimed, pulling Ranma away from himself, and glancing up and down the length of her body.
Nabiki leaned over, and started lightly tapping Ranma's chest a few times.
Ranma looked down, embarrassed. "...please stop that…" she insisted.
Nabiki turned back. "This looks like a girl to me…" she said. "Feels like a girl, too."
"I see you're quite thorough," Kenma observed.
A LITTLE BIT LATER…
By now, Soun had regained consciousness, but he was lying atop a futon.
"I guess Dad must be really disappointed by this…" Kasumi said, checking the cold compress she'd applied to his head.
"I'm the one who should be disappointed because I'm not getting a fiance," Nabiki replied.
Kenma cleared his throat. "Still here, by the way…" he said very clearly.
"Oh, I almost forgot," Nabiki said as she turned towards the rather…hirsute boy.
"Hey, our guests came all this way," said Akane. "Don't be rude."
"Well, looks like you should've double-checked, Dad," said Nabiki. "Looks like your friend only had one son."
"HE SAID SONS, AS IN PLURAL!" Soun exclaimed.
"SO WHY IS ONE OF THE SONS SITTING IN OUR HOUSE WITH A MASSIVE RACK?!" Nabiki blurted, gesturing to Ranma's bust.
"...don't do that…" Ranma grumbled, embarrassed.
"Maybe you could quit touching her like that?" Kenma asked.
"Sorry, it's a force of habit," explained Nabiki. "It just feels nice to squeeze something soft and round."
"They're breasts, not stress balls," said Kenma. "Now please stop, alright? I mean, you seem nice and all, and I don't want my opinion of you spoiled so suddenly."
"Don't worry," Nabiki smirked like a cat. "You can spoil me anytime you want."
Kenma's face went flush, and he immediately pulled out his notebook and a pencil. Nabiki peeked over for a look, while Akane gave Ranma a little smile.
"Hey, wanna go check out the dojo?" she asked. "I'm Akane. I'd love to be your friend."
Ranma smiled back, although Kenma experienced another sudden pain in his head.
"You studied kenpo, right?" asked Akane.
"A little…" replied Ranma.
"Well, then let's have a little match, okay?" Akane told her. "C'mon...just for fun."
"Whoa…it looked similar…" Kenma muttered. "And yet, so different...why the red hair, though?"
"...Kenma? Kenma, are you there?" asked Nabiki, her voice coming back into focus. "Hel-looo, Earth to Kenma; is Kenma home?"
"Huh?" blurted Kenma. "Oh…sorry. I just…had a strange feeling."
"Oh, I thought you were just staring off into space," responded Nabiki.
"Sort of," Kenma responded. "I guess I got a little lost in my artwork."
If I told her I was having flashes of some alternate outcomes, she'd think I was nuts! Kenma thought. I'd better just wait a little while…
"Artwork, huh? You're an artist?" the middle sister asked curiously.
Kenma nodded. "You bet," he replied. "After all…you see a lot of neat stuff in China. What's the point if you don't get to draw any of it?"
"Yeah, good point," responded the short-haired brunette. "Ya know, a man with your talents could really clean up in a town like this."
"Really?" asked Kenma. "Do you think so?"
"Oh, I know so!" Nabiki said with a smirk. "Just stick with me, Ken, and we'll go places."
"Well…OK!" Kenma replied as he and Nabiki shook hands.
Wonder if any of those weird memories have me shaking hands with a girl?
…feels nice. Soft, too. Guess she moisturizes.
MEANWHILE, IN THE DOJO…
"So…feel free to correct me, but did I hear you practice kenpo?" inquired Akane.
"Yeah, kind of…" replied Ranma.
"Hey, you wanna have a match with me?" asked Akane. "Just a little practice round. It'll be for fun, so don't get too worried!"
"Sure, why not?" said Ranma.
Akane went to the other side of the dojo and got into a fighting stance. "Let's both do our best, okay?" she called.
But as she looked over, she saw that Ranma was just…standing there, as casual as could be. Not taking a fighting stance or anything.
What the…it looks like she's just leaving herself wide open to attack, thought Akane, perplexed. She thought no more of it, and charged forward, throwing a punch…which was swiftly dodged with ease.
Ranma was still in the same position as before. Throwing another punch, Akane hit nothing but air, while Ranma leapt over her head. Akane launched a kick, but Ranma dodged, then blocked another while landing on the ground. As Akane punched again, she hit an after-image, while Ranma was right behind her again.
"What are you doing?" asked Akane. "Try and hit me back!"
Punch—dodged.
Another punch—ducked.
Left punch—darted.
Chin punch—dipped.
By now, Akane was sweating like a pig, and she still hadn't landed a single blow.
I can't hit her…she sees right through me! She thought, utterly pooped. Guess I can't hold back.
"Here goes!" Akane declared, taking two heavy steps forward, and with a shout, launching a punch at Ranma, who jumped out of the way, narrowly avoiding Akane punching straight into the wall.
Of course, the second Ranma landed, she gave Akane a tiny tap on the back of the head.
The blue-haired girl turned around to see her challenger, who broke into a hearty laugh. Akane was bewildered by this…but she started to laugh, too, in spite of herself.
"You're pretty good at this, just like I heard," she said. "So you did go on a trip to improve your martial arts. Little frustrating for me. So, how good is your brother?"
Ranma shrugged. "He's okay, but…maybe second-best," she replied. "He's not as into it as I am."
"That's alright," replied Akane. "Still, I am relieved that you're a girl, at least. Because I would've absolutely hated losing to a guy."
"Ah, I see." Ranma replied. "...by the way, he's the younger brother."
AND SO, TIME PASSES…
Akane was outside, practicing her punches. As Nabiki walked the halls with a popsicle in her mouth and Kenma behind her, she suddenly saw her father seated in a room with a rotund, bespectacled man with a durag on his head and wearing a white gi. Both men were crying silent tears.
So Nabiki poked her head into the kitchen. "Hey, Kasumi, who's the old guy?" she asked.
"Dunno," said Kasumi as she emptied a pot. "He turned up out of nowhere all of a sudden."
"Hmm," Nabiki murmured before she turned to Kenma. "You know who that is?"
Kenma immediately crossed his arms. "Nope, never seen 'im in my life," he denied.
Shortly, Kasumi met up with Ranma outside. "Hey, Ranma. Why don't you go and have a bath?" she asked.
"Oh…no, I'm fine, thank you," the pinkette responded.
"Don't be silly, you must be sweaty from all that exercising," Kasumi insisted, her tone a bit more firm. "And you said you got wet in the rain, too. Go and have a bath."
"...alright…" relented Ranma.
"That goes for you too, Kenma!" called Kasumi.
"Okay!" Kenma called from down the hall. Jeez, it's like that girl's got Mom-pheromones or something.
Yeah, but she's also really pleasant… Ranma replied, via her psychic link. As for how they learned this power, they got it when they met a mystic in China who taught them this technique so they could converse without Genma eavesdropping.
And so, the both of them headed to the bathroom. Kenma was the first one into the tub, snorkel and all, while Ranma sat outside, with a basin of cold water, which she dumped over her head.
"Brrr…cold!" she shuddered. "...whaddo I do now?"
Kenma murmured something from behind his snorkel, which was muffled [think Kenny from South Park].
"Say what now?"
Kenma removed the snorkel. "OK…you know I trust you with my life and whatnot, right?" he asked. "I mean, I think Nabiki's pretty cute, but like, I just met her. You're the person I trust the most."
"Well yeah, I trust you too. You're my brother, Ken," responded Ranma.
Kenma gave a sigh. "Alright," he said. "I've been having these strange visions….I think it's, like, of another life…"
Akane was making her way inside when Nabiki passed by her.
The brunette sniffed the air and gagged. "I hope you're sweaty cuz you were training again," she remarked.
"Oh, shut it," Akane waved her older sister off.
"Well, the bath's ready for you," Nabiki replied as she continued on.
"Great," Akane drawled as she headed upstairs.
Now, Kenma was seated in the tub…but now he had company. Specifically, a dark-haired boy who was at least half a head taller.
"...how do I handle this?" he muttered to himself.
Then, the door opened and Akane came into the bathroom. Just out of curiosity, she took a few sniffs of her person. "...I guess I am pretty sweaty," she had to admit as she got undressed.
They're gonna find out sooner or later…probably, Ranma thought to himself.
Just like in the vision, Kenma responded.
The black-haired boy stood up, while Kenma covered his eyes.
I'll just leave like this, the boy decided.
At least grab a towel! Kenma thought loudly.
And so, Ranma turned towards the exit...right as Akane opened the door.
For one long minute, no words were traded. Akane only took a look at Ranma, and then quietly closed the door before getting redressed, and stepping out of the restroom.
And then, she let out a loud, ear-piercing scream.
"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUGGGGHHHH!"
It was so loud, everybody heard it.
Kenma put his snorkel back on, and sank back into the tub.
This presents a problem.
Hoarse with rage, Akane scuttled down the stairs, grabbed one of the big stone sculptures in the garden, and began eagerly trying to lift it up.
"I'll just take this in there…and dump it on his head…" she grunted. "AND LET HIM SINK TO THE BOTTOM OF THE DRAIN…!"
"What do you think you're doing, Akane?" asked Nabiki.
"There's some kind of pervert in there…" grunted Akane. "In the tub!"
"So why didn't you just beat him with your bare hands?" Nabiki suggested.
"I was too scared to think of that, okay?!" Akane shot back.
"And yet murder's just fine, I see," Nabiki observed.
Kasumi had entered the hall, carrying a tray with a couple of beers. "That's so strange…" she mused. "I thought Ranma and Kenma were using the bath right now…"
And at that point, both brothers came outside.
"So, uh…" said one voice.
All three sisters looked over, especially fuming-mad Akane.
"You're, uh—" Kasumi began.
"Who are you?" Nabiki inquired.
"...I'm Ranma Saotome," said the black-haired boy, blushing and rubbing his head. "Hey there. And this guy is my brother Kenma."
Kenma gave a little wave and a smile.
"We're real sorry," said Ranma.
THAT EVENING…
Everyone was gathered around the table.
"So, let me introduce you again," said Soun. "This man is my oldest and dearest friend."
"My name is Genma Saotome," the rotund man responded. "And these are my sons."
"I am Ranma," the older boy said.
"And I'm Kenma," his brother added.
The girls looked on, each bearing their own facial expressions for it: Kasumi concerned, Nabiki nonchalant, and Akane looking pissed and skeptical.
Ranma noticed Akane's death stare and averted his eyes. After all, he didn't feel like having a hole burnt right through his skull.
"Alright, what's even going on here?" inquired Nabiki. At that point, Kenma really wished he had something to grab onto for comfort.
"But I don't understand…you're really the people we met earlier?" asked Kasumi.
"I know this is very confusing," said Genma. "But I…well, I haven't been quite sure where to start. Regardless…"
He then picked up both boys, twirled them in his hands, and tossed them both into the koi pond.
SPLOOSH!
Naturally, this made everyone else gasp. Seconds later, both brothers emerged form the pond. Ranma in the form of the pink-haired girl…and Kenma in the form of a humanoid monkey, tail and all! [Think Monkey Khan from Archie Sonic for a ref point, as well as some of the early concept sketches for Goku.]
"HEY, WHAT'DJA DO THAT FOR?!" shrieked Ranma.
"YEAH!" Kenma chimed in, hooting a bit. "There's a nasty little thing called HYPOTHERMIA!"
Kasumi gave a little gasp. "...he turned into a girl…" she exclaimed.
"That's nothing," said Nabiki. "The other one turned into a monkey!"
Genma got up and started bawling his crocodile tears. "They're both my sons…but no matter how many times I look at them, the both of them are bizarre enigmas!" he exclaimed.
Alas, he was not prepared for Ranma sneaking up behind him itching for revenge…and kicking him straight into the pond.
ВСПЛЕСК! [is Splash in Russian]
"You have got no room to talk!" Ranma demanded as a massive panda bear emerged from the pond. "The only weirdo around here is YOU!"
Kenma nodded firmly.
"With all due respect, Father, I think your friends are a little strange," said Kasumi.
"Admittedly, I don't know much about what's going on, either," replied Soun. "After all, I haven't been told much about their journey. But I know they weren't like this before. This must be the fault of some horrible training exercise in China…"
AND SO, AFTER A SOAK IN THE TUB…
"It's a long story, but I'll do what I can," said Genma. "It all started about two weeks ago…"
"Doesn't seem that long ago…" Nabiki muttered.
DUN-DA-DA-DUNNN….IT'S FLASHBACK TIME!
[Admit it, did ANY of you think we'd come back here again? …honestly, neither did I.]
Nestled deep in the Bayan Har Mountains, in Qinghai, China, lies a place called Spirit-of-the-Fist Mountain.
"Take a look around, soak it in," said the tour guide, a rotund Chinese man. "The legendary training ground called Jusenkyo. Y'know, you three must be pretty eccentric—no-one uses THIS place anymore! It's way too dangerous to try training here!"
"Are you ready for this, Ranma?" asked Genma.
"Yeah," nodded Ranma. "Looks like a piece of cake to me."
Kenma backed off. "I'll just hang back, y'know?" he asked. "In case someone breaks something."
Genma shrugged. "Suit yourself," he said in a derisive tone.
"There are over a hundred springs that have formed here, and at the center of each one is a tragic legend waiting to be told," explained the tour guide. "...of course, some are a little less tragic and a little more comical."
He pointed to one of the springs. "This spring has a story dating back a thousand years ago—" he started…
…but Genma wasn't exactly listening anymore. "Come on, Ranma!" he declared as he leapt to the top of the bamboo poles suspended in the waters.
"Yeah!" Ranma agreed as he joined his father on another bamboo pole.
"Huh?" asked the guide. "Excuse me—what are you doing?!"
"Training," said Kenma as he sat down and pulled out a manga, which he began reading. "Whoever beats whomever gets to fight me."
"I'm not holding back!" called Genma.
"Suits me fine, old man!" Ranma shouted back.
"PLEASE COME DOWN!" the guide bellowed. "IT WOULD BE AWFUL IF EITHER OF YOU WERE TO FALL!"
And so, both father and son leapt at each other, a battle cry in their throats. As they collided in midair, they traded blow after blow, throwing hands with each other, blocking kicks and flipping across the tops of the poles with ease, like something out of a Hong Kong action movie.
As Ranma was sent flying back, he used one bamboo pole like a springboard and catapulted himself right back into the fray.
Genma sent a punch at his eldest son, but Ranma dodged, knocking Genma into one spring with a massive SPLASH!
ÉCLABOUSSER! HON-HON-HON! [Splash in French]
"Hah! Gotcha!" called Ranma.
Kenma looked up from his manga. "Oh! Did you win already?" he asked. "Nice go, big bro. Looks like I get to go for it next!"
Ranma took a bow, then turned back to the spring. "What'dja think about THAT, Dad?" he asked. "Do ya give up, or are ya thirsty for more?"
Of course, his response came in the form of a massive panda, off of whose ear a pair of glasses dangled, bursting from the water!
Ranma blanched as the bear got on the pole and took a fighting stance. "Wait, what?!" he exclaimed. "A freakin' panda? The hell's goin' on here?!"
"...and here I thought we couldn't get any weirder!" remarked Kenma.
"Oh no! He fell into the Xióngmāonìquán: Spring of Drowned Panda!" exclaimed the guide. "One devastating day 2,000 years ago, a panda fell and drowned in THIS very spring! Since then, anyone who falls in will turn into a panda!"
Ranma did a double-take, narrowly dodging a swipe from his transformed father. "Hang on a sec!" he shouted, leaping onto another bamboo pole. "How is THIS the first time I'm hearing about this curse crap?!"
"He mentioned it right before you jumped up there!" Kenma called.
"Well, ex-cuse me if I didn't have time to—" Ranma began, right before…
WHAM!
A paw-swipe from Genma sent him spinning down, down, down, into another of the springs.
CHAPOTEO!
[Splash, in Spanish!]
Kenma swallowed heavily. "...this presents a problem…" he remarked.
"No kidding!" the guide exclaimed as he rushed over. "Your brother just took a tumble into Niángnìquán: the Spring of Drowned Girl, and that legend's even SADDER! They say 1500 years ago, a young girl fell into that spring and DROWNED!" He pulled out a hankie, dabbed his eyes and blew his nose loudly. HO-O-O-O-NK! "So that spring has its own curse too: everyone that falls in there gets turned into a young girl!"
By now, Ranma had resurfaced, taking in a big, deep breath. And she'd just caught most of the guide's story…as well as catching sight of her new form.
She opened her gi, and saw two huge breasts. Naturally, she screamed.
"Yep…that's the girl I said you'd turn into…" the guide replied.
Kenma got to his feet. "Hang on, bro!" he exclaimed. "I'll go get help!"
But as he got to his feet, he slipped on the soggy surface of the mud, and tumbled end over end towards the springs. He managed to stop himself, but was dangerously teetering inches over the same spring Ranma had fallen in.
In that moment, he decided…if I'm gonna fall in, I might as well hope for the best!
And he spun to the left, plummeting into the adjacent spring.
STÄNK! [that's a swedish SPLASH!]
Seconds later, Kenma swam to the top, resurfacing, only to find himself covered in more hair than usual...not to mention, he had a tail sticking out of his back end.
"Oh! That one's not too bad, actually…" the guide said. "Looks like you picked a REALLY old one: Nìhóuzhīquán, the Spring of Drowned Monkey King! A long time ago, Sun Wukong was looking to test his newly gained immortality, so he came to these springs and tried to drown himself. Luckily for him, it didn't work, but whoever falls into those springs takes on the form of Wukong. Although curiously, they never really gain his immortality. But it's not so bad, who wants to live forever, anyway?"
"You're tellin' me THE Monkey King took a dip in this spring?" asked Kenma, skeptical, as his new tail scratched the top of his head. "Personally, I find that a little hard to believe."
"YOU'VE GOT A TAIL, BRO!" Ranma exclaimed.
Kenma looked up and saw the appendage dangling from overhead. "...well, I'll be! So I do!" he remarked. "Whoa, this is AWESOME!"
And dat's de end!
Once the tale had concluded, a veil of silence hung over the room.
"...you went to the legendary training ground Jusenkyo?" asked Soun. "The truth of the horror surrounding the springs was a mystery."
Genma sat in silence, the light gleaming off his glasses.
Ranma, meanwhile, was fuming. "So you're telling me you knew it was dangerous?" he growled. Quick as a whip, he grabbed Genma by the lapels and hoisted him up. "WHAT KINDA FATHER ARE YOU?! WHY ARE YOU OBSESSED WITH DRAGGING ME AND MY BABY BROTHER TO ALL THESE RIDICULOUS PLACES?!"
Kenma cleared his throat. "Younger brother. Not baby brother."
"Potato, puh-tah-to," Ranma shrugged, before Genma hurled him into the pond again.
溅！[Splash in Chinese]
"Cool off, if you're gonna be that stubborn!" chastised Genma. "A true warrior should be prepared to throw their life away for the sake of the art!"
And thus, Ranma emerged from the water. "Throwing away my LIFE is one thing…" she growled, before she splashed Genma, turning him into a panda again. "...but now you've made me throw away my MANHOOD! DUMBASS!"
Genma got to his feet, and they both began trading blows…via a slap-fight.
"Please stop!" Kasumi insisted. "There's no need to fight!"
"Oh, what a tragedy!" sobbed Soun.
Kenma looked between the two combatants. "...more of a comedy, really," he stated.
"Mr. Saotome, that's enough!" stated Kasumi. "I don't understand—why would you do something so unbelievably dangerous?"
From inside Genma's coat, out fell a guidebook, which Kasumi picked up.
"National Catalog of Training Grounds in China?" she read.
"Is this the guidebook that's completely in Chinese?" Nabiki asked.
"Wait a minute," replied Kasumi, turning to Genma. "...you don't even know how to read Chinese, do you?"
Genma held up a sign. Bingo! It read…right as Ranma popped him in the head.
Soun held up a tea kettle, and dumped its scalding contents on Genma's head. "So pouring hot water on you changes you back," he observed.
"That's as human as he's ever gonna get," Kenma remarked, seeing Genma, back in his human form.
"...it needn't be that hot..." the fat man groaned, covered in water burns.
"When doused with cold water, you become a girl..." said Soun, leaning over with the teakettle and getting ready to dump it on Ranma's head. The girl instinctively leapt out of the way to avoid the burning liquid. "But when doused with hot water, you return to male form!"
"Hot, not SCALDING!" Ranma protested. "Are you tryin' to boil me alive?!"
"And I can change back when I wanna," said Kenma, balancing on his tail. "Now just…ain't one of those times."
"Well, it's a relief to know that this problem is easy to solve!" Soun laughed, patting Ranma and Kenma on the shoulders. "Kasumi's the oldest, at 19…Nabiki's the middle sister, she's 17…Akane's the youngest, at sweet 16! Take a look and pick whichever girl you fancy."
"Everything in my head's saying, pick the middle one," said Kenma. "So…I'm goin' with Nabiki! And yes, that is my FINAL answer!"
"Awww, I'm flattered!" Nabiki said with a blush.
"Hmmm, honestly, I don't know," Ranma replied. "I mean, Kasumi's sweet, but she's like the closest thing I've known to a mom in a long time. As for Akane, I really don't think that'd work out."
"That's just fine, I don't wanna get engaged to anyone anyway!" Akane remarked. "After all, I'M STILL A TEENAGER! Especially because someone saw me naked."
"Was that before or after YOU came in on me?" asked Ranma.
"It doesn't count!" Akane remarked. "You're not even really a girl!"
"Ah, who needs this?" asked Ranma. "Anyways, I'm outta here."
"Ranma, where are you going?" asked Genma.
"Back to China, and Kenma's coming with me," said Ranma. "Might as well try and find a way to get back to normal..plus it pays to have someone I can actually trust. I don't need a fiancée right now."
"Well, you know how it is; duty calls," Kenma said, bowing his head and kissing Nabiki's hand. "Until we meet again, Nabiki."
"As for you..." Ranma glowered at Akane. "I want it stated for the record that you saw ME naked too. Besides, I'm pretty used to seeing my own body…so seeing another woman naked isn't really that noteworthy to me anymore."
A vein appeared on Akane's head.
"And y'know…I'm pretty sure I've got better proportions than you~" Ranma snickered to herself.
And that lit the fuse.
"Ranma, look ou—" called Kenma.
KA-BONNNNG!
But it was too late. Akane picked up the table and slammed it on Ranma's head.
"...yup, Ranma was asking for that," Genma observed.
Guess the memory came a little late... Kenma winced.
A while later, Ranma regained consciousness, finding herself on the futon of her guest room. There was a cold compress on her forehead, thanks to Kasumi.
"Oh, good, you're waking up," the eldest daughter smiled. "Are you okay?"
"...yeah…" grunted Ranma.
"I'm sorry…please don't think poorly of Akane," insisted Kasumi. "Y'know, she's gentle by nature, but sometimes she can be a real out-of-control thug."
Nabiki gave her a glance. "You're really not helping your case, Kasumi…"
"Her? Gentle?" snorted Kenma. "Sure, and I'm King Ramses! I'll believe it when I see it."
"I guess I won't be going back to China for a while," sighed Ranma.
"Yeah…" responded Kenma. "But hey! Ya still got me watchin' your back, y'know?"
"Well, at least we have each other," said Ranma.
"Time to connect the pieces, man," Kenma smiled as he held up his fist to bump it.
"Yep!" his brother said as he bumped fists with him.
ENDING THEME:
"Mi-ra-i"
by Kazuyoshi Baba
performed by Run and Gun
Are you all packed up and ready to go?
A new day is about to dawn
Time to pull on a fresh shirt
And leave the dark night behind
Even now I know this city never sleeps
It's looking after us with silent eyes
Let's make a new start together!
To be shine, to be free
You must never hold back
The waves of time are firm but gentle
I'll head straight to find you
Let's light up our world together
To be shine, to be free
You must never be scared
The waves of time are firm but gentle
No matter how long the path ahead is
I'll head straight to find you
Let's find our future together!
So yeah...here we are again. Betcha never thought we'd be back HERE, eh? Amazing how life works...
Still, please read and review. We'll do what we can to update whenever we can. After all, not everything is the same in this timeline...and there may be some big changes. Stay tuned, and we'll see you next time.
Because class is in session.