Chapter 1

Ri'fai-tor nash-veh … *

Foreword:

This story is now growing from a draft that I unwisely published a few months ago, and it attracted some haters here on FF. Now it has changed into a multi-chaptered adventure story that has found its plot and direction. It is now gaining momentum and going strong, and I enjoy writing it. And I especially enjoy the alienness and the ways to explore it. And no, it's not only alien landscapes :). The style is still the same though – I never make it simple ;). I know a lot of words and I use them. And what is much appreciated – is _constructive_ feedback. Big thanks to all people who have already made constructive comments publicly or privately.

We are going out into the mountains and the desert with an adolescent Spock, who found them the best companions to confide his childhood sorrows and wishes to. Especially when some conflict arose and he was not allowed to act on his feelings, and even often condemned for doing so. All Vulcan youngsters are wild compared to adults and only learning emotional control; and it was harder for Spock than for his peers. Especially if said peers were the problem. This story too starts with the peer pressure and bullying (just as well-known to kids on Vulcan as on Earth and probably on every humanoid-populated planet). This results in an unsavory incident, and of course the family pressure. All of this causes Spock to flee in the desert. Kids running away from home is a universal thing too. On this journey young Spock encounters the greatest mystery of the Vulcan desert as well as one of the biggest surprises of his young life. Some of those things shape him and influence his future.

So, we set out with Spock to take in the austere beauty of the planet Vulcan, to meet its wonders and dangers. We listen to the thoughts of a young genius, who is very curious about the natural world, as young introverted geniuses often are. (Extroverts see the world with just their eyes, but introverts also see the world with the eyes of their soul – so the wise men say). And who is his own person, not fitting into the rules and dogmas of society. It's not just "the human half" and his mixed heritage – Spock was an exceptionally gifted child, and such children never really fit into any social norms. Even in an overall-introverted and knowledge-oriented society like Vulcan. Sometimes Spock was outright rebellious too, and sometimes he was simply defensive. And at the same time young Spock was just a boy dreaming of adventures. Spock had that adventurous streak since young age, and kept it all his life. Remember how Dad Sarek complained to Captain Picard about this young rebel when Spock was already a grown man and left everything to go to Romulus? Kid Spock used to run away into the mountains and roam there for days – and then escape again when his dad tried to lock him up for disobedience. Escaping to be free and be himself without any society pressure or peer pressure, without all that duality imposed on him against his will. Proving himself even more strong-minded than his (very hard-willed) dad and ultimately winning in this confrontation. Making even his overbearing dad admire him in the end. ("He never listened! Never listened!" ©Sarek in TNG).

This is what Spock actually did all his life: just went where his heart called him and did what his own mind knew better – even though it sometimes seemed to his parents and friends (including Kirk) and Starfleet bosses like "running away" or "stubborn recklessness" (reckless stubbornness?))) or even "mutiny". Spock was always "a silent rebel". But Spock always _knew_ what he was doing. And he learned it in his young years, by walking alone. And maybe – and here this story takes a certain liberty - he also drew strength from what he encountered in the desert when he was 13…

Two search parties set out to look for runaway young Spock. One is led by his father Sarek, another – by someone who is not what he appears to be. They too encounter strange things and surprises in that mysterious place called Vulcan Forge. Things that invoke the echoes of the past and may affect the future of the planet itself.

Special thanks to Marc Okrand, the pioneer of the Vulcan language, to Sidzhan T'Gai with his amazing linguistic and culturological works in his "Kir'Shara" blog and on his YouTube page, and to other talented people who post Vulcan language tutorials on the Internet. Me, I am only learning. And as one does not thank logic, well… Mene sakkhet ur-seveh.

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Ri'fai-tor nash-veh … *

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(Epigraph)

Wise man said,"Just walk this way
To the dawn of the light.
The wind will blow into your face
As the years pass you by.
Hear this voice from deep inside -
It's the call of your heart.
Close your eyes and you will find
Passage out of the dark".

(Scorpions, "Send Me an Angel")

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Now I find myself in question
(They point the finger at me again),
Guilty by association
(You point the finger at me again).

I wanna run away, never say goodbye.
I wanna know the truth instead of wondering why.
I wanna know the answers, no more lies.
I wanna shut the door and open up my mind.

(Linkin Park, "Runaway")

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"This time it is over. Enough. Hiyet (1)".

He doesn't even want to come back. Ever. He doesn't care how long he will survive in the Forge. He has enough skills to hold on long enough – and then he'll see... Right now he is going there and leaving it all behind. There are enough places both in the mountains and in the Forge where no one can find you. He knows some of them and he will discover more.

The desert and the Forge are more forgiving than his father, and the mountains are more ready to shelter him than his mother. And those bullies at school – he just never wants to see them again. He doesn't have to tolerate them anymore. First they bully you and provoke you until you do something wrong, and then they manipulate the adults and play the victim and make you the culprit and turn the adults against you… The adults are supposed to be fair and set things right and defend you! Well, surprisingly often they don't…

And he had the right to defend himself! Especially when no one else did.

"Hiyet. I am not a weak little child anymore. I do not have to depend on all of it, on all of them".

He does not have to tolerate it anymore. And anyway, will he not be better off out there in the desert, after what happened? And after what his father said to him…

Sarek's estate is on the very edge of Shi'kahr, already in the foothills of the Llangon ridge. The easier it is for Spock, no need for any transport. He always sets out on his hikes on foot. But tonight he has to hurry and cover as much distance as he can before full daylight.

He will not sleep tonight. He will not sleep until he crosses the secret narrow pass and gets into the wilderness of the desert.

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The sands in the great desert forever shift and run like the largest sand-clock ever invented. The tides and the wind, the eternally and slowly rising and falling waves of the great ocean of sand… The mountains standing majestic, solid in their million-year old strength, but forever changing too, just subtly, unless a great volcanic eruption suddenly speeds up the delicate work of erosion. The great lava-fields and smoke coming up from deep fissures and small craters in the Forge… The glorious and intricate beauty of the wind-cut stone arches and bizarre rock formations of all possible shapes: geometric and defying geometry. Crystals of quartz, gleaming here and there under the sun, and jaspers suddenly colorful in the dull-brown gravel under your feet, and mica and volcanic glass reflecting sunlight in little sparks, and agates exquisitely revealing themselves inside big round pebbles if you pick them up and smash them...

And life all around - the sparse but vigorous animal and plant life of the planet Vulcan, always cautiously watching every passing traveller.

The desert is never "empty" or "barren" to those who know how to look at it and listen to it.

When one wants to understand himself, test himself and prove himself – one must leave the comfort of one's home and go away into the wilderness. Go away into the desert, into the mountains and into the Forge itself.

He has done it alone even before his Kahs-wan (2), even though he risked a lot then. Now he is almost twice that age, knows more, is capable of more, and so nothing can keep him inside if the mood for adventure overtakes him. Or when things turn out like they did today…

Nothing can keep him home now… And certainly not his father's restraining orders or the locks his father tries to put on his room doors and windows as punishment. Spock's ingenuity was way above average ever since he learned to walk.

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"You knew that this move was deadly! You knew it was forbidden! Your teacher told you so, I told you so. You were taught to not use it on your peers! You knew the consequences… You are a disgrace to my house".

Sarek's dark-brown eyes now were almost black under his tightly drawn bushy eyebrows – black like the icy-cold Earth's night sky… No hint of warmth, of sympathy. Only indignation and contempt and condemnation glinting there.

Sarek had been ominously silent when they were flying home from the martial arts evening school. When they entered the house, he dragged Spock by his arm to the private meditation room where Amanda never entered, and before she could stop them. Spock knew that, as vociferous as his mother was in speaking her mind, especially where he, Spock, was concerned – she would never break the time-honored Vulcan customs and intrude into her husband's private sanctuary. But she probably heard everything from outside…

Now Sarek was looming over Spock's still quite short and fragile frame, his voice intonations carefully controlled but still somehow thundering. Accusing, condemning. The statues of the clan Old Gods and the portrait of Surak loomed behind Sarek like witnesses in a court. Even Surak didn't support Spock – and how could he?

"What you did is a crime! It is only because you are so young… If you were but five years older and had passed your first adulthood initiation – you would have been sent to court and condemned as a criminal!"

"I guess I already am… Probably even since the day I was born…" thought Spock to himself.

"You are a disgrace to my house". One of the worst things Sarek could ever say to his son, but now he went further. "I should have declared you vrekasht (3) by the laws of our clan, by the laws of T'Khasi – but you are still too young… And this means that it is my fault. My responsibility. My shame". The phrases grew shorter, and so did Sarek's breath.

Sarek took a few forced controlled deep breaths and continued:

"And I shall bear that shame as is my duty as a father. But I shall also have to devise a suitable punishment for you. The one that will make you understand. And I shall have to think it over well, may Surak give me wisdom. Until then – you are locked in your room without food. And you are not going to school. And it will be extremely preferable that you meditate – instead of further giving in to your barbaric nature". Sarek's eyes were totally black now, no light showed in them. Not even disappointment - nothing.

Spock took his eyes away from those merciless eyes – His Honor Ambassador Sarek of Vulcan, not Father... All Duty and Tradition. Delivering an accusatory speech and announcing his verdict. "Will it always be like this now, now that I am growing up and making more mistakes? Or will it be even worse?"

Spock wanted to pull on his hood to shut out the outside world where even his own father was a stranger – but didn't dare. This would be not just hiding from reality, as he had the presence of mind to remember – in this situation it would become a ritual gesture signifying "I don't hear you" or even "I despise you and your words". Spock couldn't afford to make yet another mistake right now. That gesture would be too much even for the experienced dignitary who was his father. Sarek was not as foreign to anger as he chose to claim, and Spock knew it.

Sarek never used physical violence on his son – he was the honored heir of the House of Surak, after all. Sarek was – Spock had yet to prove his right for that as he came of age. And considering that Brother Sybok failed at that…

No physical violence, Sarek never stooped that low – but what was coming through the father-son family bond now had an impact as hard as physical one – or worse. It was like a devastating tornado sand-storm in the desert – but somehow it was cold, it was freezing… Spock fixed his eyes on a spot near his feet and tried to hold up his still immature mental shields.

At last Sarek himself seemed to realize that there were enough of accusatory speeches already.

"Arie'amp…"(4) he sighed with resignation.

"Why did you do it?" he asked intensely for the last time.

"Ri'fai-tor nash-veh …" whispered Spock, staring at the floor.

He didn't know. How could he?

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Amanda didn't support him either.

"So it is true, Spock, the message from martial arts school, from Master Sanshiin? It happened as your father told me?"

She came into Spock's room after his father was done with him. And her eyes… they were not empty, not dark – they were shining grey steel. The steel shields that appeared angry, but hid horror and shock behind them. Spock strengthened his own mental shields again. She was not a telepath – but she still was his mother.

And of course it was true - how could the honorable Master of Martial Arts lie? The Master relaid exactly what he saw and how he solved that situation - but he hadn't known what had led to it. Spock didn't know himself exactly - it probably was just the question of critical mass...

"Yes, Mother. I… accept the responsibility".

"Spock, do you really understand? Do you? You used a forbidden move on that boy! On a training session! You could have killed him! Do you realize it?"

"Yes, Mother".

"So why, Spock?!"

She didn't loom over him, even though she was still taller than him. Only half a head taller now, and soon he would outgrow her… If his physical development was not impaired – and he wanted to believe that it wasn't. So far it had been normal… almost normal. Normal for a hybrid. Which still made him weaker than those bullies.

She had never had that habit of looming menacingly and authoritatively over her son anyway, unlike his father. Unlike his father, she was always empathetic. She was Terran and she placed great importance on feelings. She had always tried to understand him. Until now she didn't.

Spock tried to tell her, he really tried to tell her the truth:

"That boy… Tavek… he never fights fair. He never acts fair. He thinks he is the strongest and the smartest. He thinks he is above all others. He thinks he is a predator who preys on the weak. I am not weak! And he has no right to prey on me!"

But it was a long story to tell… It had lasted for years already, getting worse as they grew up.

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Tavek was even worse than Stonn. Stonn was a typical gang bully, the one who was only brave when he was backed up by lesser bullies. Stonn was far less smart than Spock, and Stonn was jealous of many things – of Spock's famous father, for example. And – as Spock was now beginning to suspect – of his betrothal bond with T'Pring… And Stonn and his gang were only attacking when adults were not around – on the streets, on sport grounds, on the way home…

But Tavek – Tavek was smart. And not jealous of anything – he came from a prominent family himself. But he was aggressive and arrogant, only pretending to practice the Mind Disciplines, and showing his true colors in other times. And Tavek had a total infatuation with the warrior customs of Ancient Vulcan, imagining himself a great warlord. So he "made war" on anyone weaker than himself – which most boys his age and younger were. He was not above attacking girls too – girls too can be warriors, or else war trophies. He was attacking any time, with or without his gang to back him up. He really was like a raptor, true to his name. He played the dominant warlord and dragged the other kids into that cruel game. He also imagined himself a great military strategist – which in his case and age meant manipulation. He had a way of provoking his target into compromising themselves or into downright snapping. So whenever adults appeared at the fight scene – Tavek was not the villain, his targets were.

The fact that Tavek and Stonn always fought with each other too and never got together – this fact was a consolation. The fact that Tavek (the self-proclaimed warlord) also was an avid and persistent student in Master Sanshiin's school of Kareel-ifla (5) – a school where only few students were admitted, mostly the sons of noble families and the ones with certain career choices – this fact presented a real problem. To put it mildly.

Tavek never fought fair. He started his verbal abuse in the dressing room, he threw the other boys' things around, he often got physical there too. But in the training hall itself, when the free-sparring time came at the end of the training session – there he was the meanest. He obviously enjoyed inflicting pain, and in sparrings he has full excuse for that. So he never took care to protect his sparring partner, he simply treated him as a punching-bag. Tavek always struck full force and later said things like "It is your own fault that you didn't avoid it". Anyone who couldn't avoid his blows was proclaimed a clumsy weakling, unfit to be a warrior. And he added extra mean tricks to his pain holds, aiming to really hurt – together with whispered insults. Sometimes Master Sanshiin noticed it and called Tavek out on it and sent him out of the hall. But he couldn't expel him for good, because of Tavek's influential family. And sometimes the Master was too busy watching other kids' performances to notice… Also Tavek unarguably excelled in Kareel-ifla and was besting other schools in competitions all the time. His technique was superb - but his spirit was dark... And one of Tavek's favorite bullying targets was Spock – Tavek openly announced that Spock's impure blood was a shame to all Vulcan nobility. And that Spock was… well, some things Spock would never repeat to his mother. His Terran mother who loved him.

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Amanda knew about the fights Spock had from time to time, the fights that were not for training… Of course she knew – she treated the bruises. But this time she was too horrified to understand. She even kept some distance from Spock when they both sat down on his bed to talk. Not trying to half-hug his shoulders as usual when they talked about his school problems.

"Spock… I can't believe it". She looked at her usually gentle and thoughtful boy... So Sarek's constant concern about "control over those archaic barbaric genes" wasn't ungrounded after all. She didn't know how to speak to this young Vulcan, her half-alien son (her 80% alien son, to be exact), to make those genes hear her. So she simply said what was on her mind:

"Maybe he is really a mean boy, but how could you do that? Master Sanshiin wrote that you did something that blocked that boy's artery… If the Master didn't know the counter-move – that boy would have died! How did it come to this, Spock?!"

"It… was a long way, Mother. And I am aware that I lost control. My hand moved by itself. Tavek went too far this time".

"Spock…" Amanda shook her head. "You went too far too. I don't even know if your father – or the Master – will let you into that school again. I may not know much about the true Vulcan honor – but I know enough to know how unacceptable such violence is".

She shook her head again, and added vehemently:

"Hell, "unacceptable" is an understatement! It is just horrible!"

"But Tavek was…" Spock trailed off. Tavek had always been more violent than Spock could ever be. Spock never enjoyed violence. He never enjoyed hurting others, and normally he didn't want to. He didn't even care for domination over anyone. He went to that martial arts school for other reasons. Partly to learn to protect himself from the likes of Tavek and Stonn, right. But he also went there for honor. And for mastering control over his physical body and his emotions. And now he had lost that control and even his mother would not understand…

"Yes, Mother. It was horrible". Horrible in many ways than one, but she needn't know…

She shook her head again and rose to leave:

"I will come tomorrow, Spock. You have upset me so much…"

"Fai-tor nash-veh, Ko-Mekh. I know, Mother".

And she left.

He sat cross-legged on his bed, taking some time for breathing meditation. Clearing his thoughts for what to do next. Before those thoughts could take over and render him unable to do anything...

Then he started preparing for leaving too.

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Hours go by and gradually the pass widens, lowers and opens into the desert. And Spock steps out in the open, under the star-filled brownish-tinted skies, still trying to keep along the mountain ridge. T'Khut will rise soon, and will stay in the sky till dawn. And the dawn will come soon too, in this time of the year. By daylight he will have to find a shelter. They will discover his absence then and start the search.

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* Ri'fai-tor nash-veh … – "I don't know" in Vulcan.

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(1) Hiyet – "this is final", "enough is enough" in Vulcan.

(2) Kahs-wan or kas-wahn (both words are pronounced with a long [a]) – the rite of passage for 7-year old Vulcan children, surviving alone for several days in the Forge or in equally harsh environment. Spock's Kahs-wan is shown in TAS "Yesteryear".

(3) Vrekasht – "outlaw", "outcast" in Vulcan, a word and custom often applied to criminals.

(4) Arie'amp – "emotionally deranged', "crazy" in Vulcan.

(5) Kareel-ifla – "the Vulcan Karate", a more ancient and more aggressive fighting style than Suus Mahna ("the Vulcan Kung-Fu"). Kareel-ifla focuses on direct application of brutal force in order to cause the greatest damage in the shortest possible time. In the Federation times, it was not widely taught because of its brutality, but still taught in noble families as a tradition and also to those who considered a career in security or space exploration. Moves like Tal-Shaya (neck breaking) are from that style. Spock used the fast and precise hand move that doesn't break the neck but blocks the carotid artery and can still cause death within a few minutes – if its effect is not reversed by a skilled master.