Questions

Chapter 17: Questions

I can do this.

I can do this.

I think I can keep going today.

Papyrus marched through the swampy water with his hanging head full of thoughts that he didn't particularly care to acknowledge. The soft stomping that sent ripples through the water hardly phased him at all as he pressed on. He barely even made time for the bridge seed puzzle, his mind was so preoccupied. His head felt heavy, his bones felt like they were about to fall apart, and his legs felt like leaded weights, but he pressed on regardless.

Keep pushing. Don't stop. As long as it hurts, then you're still alive.

Was that what the feeling in his chest was? Just being alive?

At this rate, he didn't particularly care for the feeling.

I'm talking about what your dear brother did to them.

Papyrus pushed harder, forcing his mind to clear as he pressed ahead. Undyne's house wasn't too far away, he just had to keep up the pace. Then again, he was very likely to simply keep running and go in a circle before approaching her house, just as he had done for the last few times. Eventually however, he had to stop putting it off and see her for training. He was early, as he always was, but if he kept avoiding it then he would surely be late, and he could imagine few things worse than that.

Papyrus finally came to a halt in front of the little pond, grasping his knees and heaving. His chest was burning, his legs felt like gelatin and his vision was swimming, but at long last his mind was mercifully clear.

He stared down at his reflection in the crystal water for a long while, simply slowing his breathing. Papyrus ran a single gloved hand down the side of his face, meeting his eye sockets and staring. The lines beneath his eyes were worse than ever, his face felt haggard and weary, and his back and shoulders felt almost permanently stooped from the way it hurt to stand straight. In short, he looked absolutely terrible.

Papyrus took a long moment to kneel and wash his face in the icy water. When that seemingly failed, he instead dunked his whole head in the pond. He coughed and spluttered as he dragged his head back up, shaking water off like a dog. He took huge gulps of air and rubbed his face, as if he could wash out the exhaustion. The unsettling expression remained on his features though, and he frowned to see the look on his face. He instead closed his eyes and let out a quiet sigh through his teeth, letting the calming atmosphere sooth him. He couldn't quite tell, but it almost sounded as if someone were playing a music box somewhere far away.

He wasn't certain of how long he had been sitting, but when it finally occurred to him he jolted up and bolted in the direction of Undyne's house.

Papyrus skidded to a halt outside Undyne's front door, greeted by the sound of wafting piano music. It sounded stilted, like she was only half playing. He considered this briefly before drawing himself up and knocking. It really would be easier to tell time if he'd just get a watch.

It was silent for a few painfully long moments, but eventually Undyne arrived at the door, peeking out to see him.

"Oh!" she seemed surprised, blinking and widening her one eye as well as the door just a bit. "Uh. H-hey. Hey Paps," she said without opening the door all the way. "What are you doing here so early?"

"I'm… here? For training?" he balked. "What do you mean? Is that a trick question? Wait, wait, am I being tested ?" Papyrus tried to fight the tide of panic. "I didn't know there was a test, should I have been studying-?!"

"Papyrus - Paps," Undyne gave a nervous half laugh, rubbing her arm awkwardly. She wore a heavy jacket over her favorite tank top, though for what Papyrus had no idea. "There's no test. Everything is fine."

"Oh, good," Papyrus let out a heavy breath, running a gloved hand over his head. "Because even though I am obviously ultra prepared in absolutely everything, I must admit that royal guard tests haven't necessarily been in the forefront of my thoughts. I am completely prepared for training though!"

Undyne looked extremely uncomfortable for a moment, checking something behind her before turning back to him, drawing the door a little closer. It almost sounded as if there was someone else aside from Undyne in her house, but he couldn't see.

"… Hey, why-why don't we just, uh… skip training for today?"

If Papyrus had ears, he would have been cleaning them out.

"… Undyne, is everything okay?" he asked in alarm. "You never want to skip training, what's going on?"

"Nothing is going on!" she said with a too wide grin. "I just, uh… y'know." she shrugged.

Papyrus clearly did not know, and it bothered him supremely.

"Is everything alright?" Papyrus leaned a little closer, crossing his arms. "You're acting very strangely, Undyne. Are you unwell?"

"No, no, I just-" Undyne checked behind her once again before turning back to him, letting out a sigh. "I've just got, uh, guests. It's kinda private."

"Oh!" Papyrus blinked, nodding immediately. "Why didn't you just say so, Undyne? I can come back later today-"

"It's cool, Papyrus!" Undyne said with no small amount of relief. Again she resumed rubbing her arm gingerly, and the sinking feeling in his stomach rose once again. "Just consider today a free day, 'cause you're gonna train your bony butt right off tomorrow morning-"

"How is your shoulder, Undyne?"

She froze.

"… That's about what I thought," Papyrus said softly. A hot wash of shame at the pain he had caused her rose into his face, and she shuffled from foot to foot awkwardly. Maybe that wound had been more than a 'scratch' after all.

"It's not a big deal," she answered quietly, even though he felt as if it most certainly was a big deal. "Just… forget all about it, okay? I'll be at peak condition in no time. I don't want you slacking off, because I don't even need my arms to kick your keister. You got that?"

Papyrus let out a too loud laugh and shook his head.

"Of course, Undyne."

"Captain Undyne," she corrected him. "We've gotta get you prepped for the royal guard, so might as well get used to it."

"You got it, Captain!" he said with a salute.

"On second thought, just call me Undyne," she chuckled and shook her head. Just before she closed the door, Papyrus caught a very strange glimpse of her giving her 'guest' a peculiar, sad nod. He pretended that he hadn't seen it and took in a deep breath, running a hand over his head as he walked. And then he kept going in circles.

So, all of that nervousness and panicking had mostly been for… nothing. If anything, Papyrus just felt even more lost and confused than before, and a little silly for worrying himself sick. But that was his fault. Useless, silly skeleton. He was tired, and worn out as if he really had spent all morning training, but more than that, he just felt exhausted mentally, physically, emotionally, every sense of the word. He finally dropped into a cross legged position beside the rectangular pond that he had stopped at before, staring into the water with his hands folded in his lap. Meditation usually helped just a bit.

Though at the moment, he felt as though a hundred years of meditation wouldn't quite be enough.

He had so, so many questions, and so few answers.

It was like trying to put a puzzle together, except all of the pieces were from different puzzles. It gave him a headache. He rubbed his temples and sighed, going over his training and evening his breathing.

"Howdy!"

Papyrus groaned inwardly.

"Hello, Flowey," Papyrus said without looking up from the water. He didn't even need to, as the flower had surfaced directly beside him in the patchy earth, looking into his reflection as well. "How are you today?"

"Aw, shucks, you don't have to worry about me, best buddy!" Flowey stuck out his tongue. Papyrus watched the expression with a strange feeling in his chest that he couldn't quite fight down. "But forget about me, let's talk about you ."

"I'd rather not. I'm sorry, Flowey, but-" Papyrus started, unable to quite bring himself to stand just yet. "-I don't think now is the best time."

"Aww, for shame. Feeling a little guilty ?" Flowey tilted over towards his leg, grinning at him. "Golly! You sure did a number on fish face, huh?"

Papyrus cringed openly, wiping a hand down his face to hide the look. Flowey had already seen though, and he let out yet another sigh.

"Captain Undyne is fine," Papyrus said a bit too forcefully. "She'sshe's just… busy right now."

"Oh, man," Flowey bounced a little on his stem eagerly. "You would absolutely flip if you knew what she was really up to."

"Then I think I'd rather not know," Papyrus answered in a deadpan.

"Is that really the way that you want to live your life?" Flowey asked with a smirk as he slowly extended out of the ground until he was a little higher than head height with him. "Living in total ignorance of everything and everyone around you? Come on, best pal. We both know that's not true."

"Flowey," he started quietly, looking over at him. "Do you ever get the feeling that you don't really know what the truth is anymore?"

Flowey only gave one of his rehearsed little titters.

"Every single day, Papyrus…" Flowey grinned widely. "You always were my favorite, you know. No matter what, you just keep going. How do you manage it, Papyrus?"

"They need me to," he said simply, looking back to the water. "I… I have to be stronger," Papyrus continued, uncertain of why he would even share that with Flowey. Maybe he just needed to get it out.

Flowey tsked a couple of times, shaking his petals.

"You could be king, you know," Flowey said matter of factly.

"Sorry, what?" Papyrus blinked.

"You could be king," he repeated as if it were obvious. "I could help you. I could make you the king of the entire Underground."

"I prefer our current king," Papyrus answered promptly. "He is very nice."

Flowey laughed again, but this time it was colder, darker. He sounded so… bitter.

"He's very nice. Nice," Flowey shook his head. "Oh, man. Papyrus, you really do have no idea."

"I for one think that he's a darned good king…" Papyrus crossed his arms. "Have you seen his flower garden? He takes very good care of it. You might even like it there."

"Ew, why?" Flowey scowled. "Because I'm a flower?"

"No, because it's rather peaceful and calming and you seem to be in a bad mood."

Flowey tittered again.

"I don't have moods, Papyrus," Flowey stared up at him. "I don't have emotions . Remember? I can't feel anything."

"So you've told me…" Papyrus said again, looking deep into the water. "And yet, it appears that you can still feel things like annoyance and irritation. So maybe there is hope for you that you can feel other things, too!"

"I don't get how you stay so hopeful, Papyrus," the flower said quietly, looking away. "If you knew the truth; the real truth, all of it… well. You would be a completely different person. Who knows? The truth might even break you," he continued with a knowing smirk. "Once you learn the truth, you can't ever, ever go back. Not really. It sort of burns its way into your soul, you know. There are some things that can stain your soul forever ."

They were silent for a while. Papyrus could live with that.

Sometimes Flowey invited him out in the night just so that they could sit together in quiet and enjoy the atmosphere. It wasn't an odd occurrence. This, however, felt different. It was like Flowey was just on the verge of telling him something important, something that could fit all of the puzzle pieces together properly. And yet, simultaneously he felt as if somewhere deep down, he already knew the answer to a question that he hadn't asked. It was strange, to say the least. Papyrus brushed off the feeling and tried to clear his mind to no avail, letting out a quiet sigh through his nostril bone. He glanced over to Flowey to finally ask what he really wanted to, but his friend was already long since gone.

Papyrus returned his gaze to the water.

Maybe, just maybe, Flowey was right.

Maybe it was time that he started asking the right questions.

Even if it broke him.