Schism

Chapter 25: Schism

I can do this.

I think I can keep going.

I have to keep going.

"I don't… fully understand."

"I didn't expect you to," Flowey winked at him. "Just take it into consideration, Papyrus. See you tonight!"

And with that the little flower vanished into the snow, leaving the dazed skeleton kneeling over the place he had just been. He felt as though he had been punched, his head was reeling and no matter how tightly he clasped his knees he couldn't quite manage to get a firm grip on himself. There was simply no way that it could be true. How could the flower even manage to get his metaphorical hands on information like that? Papyrus sincerely doubted that he had simply 'heard it somewhere'.

You're not a real monster.

The thought was like a train wreck to his line of thoughts, damaging everything that he tried to distract himself with until all he was left with was a smoking mess. It didn't make sense. He didn't know for how long he'd been kneeling in the snow, watching the snowflakes dancing and twirling down around him. He didn't want to believe it. It seemed too far fetched, to unlikely, too impossible. He felt real. Didn't that make him a monster?

And yet, there were things about Flowey's story that added up regardless. The gap in his memory still remained from when he was young. And for all of his prying, Sans had never, ever mentioned their parents whenever he'd asked. Why would he keep something like that secret?

Didn't Sans trust him at all?

Papyrus didn't know how long he had been musing to himself, completely lost in thought. He was real, of course he was a real monster. He walked and talked and acted just like a monster. But then again, Flowey seemed awfully monster-like, and he wasn't… all there, sometimes. Papyrus had been through a couple of those episodes for his poor little friend. But he was real, right? He thought he was real. But so many puzzling questions had been introduced to him in such a short amount of time, he didn't know what to make of them. It was overwhelming. Reality came back down upon him after what felt like hours, and it was a shock to his system.

"… Dinner," he muttered more to himself than anything, pushing himself on his hands and knees to stand in the snow and heading back into town. "Make dinner. Focus, Papyrus."

And regardless of his words to nobody, Papyrus still felt a million miles away. He felt so confused, he had so many questions, and simultaneously he was loathe to ask Flowey again. The flower only dropped little bits of information after what he had told him. Like he was toying with him, seeing how much he could get away with. But that was just silly. Flowey was his friend. If he wasn't, he wouldn't have told him something like that.

But how did he even find out a secret that huge?

And what in tarnation was Papyrus supposed to do now ?

He sighed quietly, marching steadily but slowly toward Snowdin, pushing tree branches laden with ice out of his way as he retraced his steps back to civilization. His footfalls were heavy, leaving tracks in the snow. Obviously he was just going to have to try to get answers elsewhere. As much as he was loathe to admit it, Flowey was right. He couldn't just live his whole life not knowing. There were some things that he needed to know.

Sans would know what to do.

I think I can do this.

I have to do this.

Keep it together.

Papyrus took in a long, arduous breath through his nostril bone as he stood on the front step, closing his eyes for a moment and leaning his forehead against the cool wood. He just wanted to stay here for a while, rest his weary body and let his aching mind soothe. He could hear soft voices coming from within, but not loud enough to make out what they were saying.

What exactly was he supposed to say to his brother, anyway?

'Hey, so I think you've been lying to me for my entire life, how's that going for you?'

Papyrus groaned and covered his eye sockets with one gloved hand, thinking. Sans wouldn't lie to him. He just wasn't that kind of person. He'd known him all of his life, and Sans never-

Actually, that wasn't quite true. Sans had been lying to Undyne just the other day. And he had seemed so… casual about it. Like it had been just another thing to do. Papyrus frowned, stirring up his courage. He would get things sorted out. Sans wouldn't lie to him. Just like Papyrus wouldn't lie to him.

Then again, wasn't omission of truth technically a lie, as well?

Papyrus pushed the door open before he could change his mind, taking in a deep breath.

"I have returned from training!" Papyrus called out as soon as he entered, quietly latching the door behind him. He felt like such a hippocrite. The voices had apparently been coming from the kitchen, and stopped as soon as he came inside. He took a couple of long strides and peeked into the kitchen to see what the pair were up to, and instead of finding the pleasant surprise of Sans cooking again, he found the not so pleasant surprise of Sans on his hands and knees next to a bucket with a sponge, cleaning up a suspiciously large puddle of blood off the floor.

"… What," Papyrus felt like being ill at the sight, forcing himself to look away to Frisk, who was backed away against the wall with their arms tucked tightly into their sleeves. "Oh my god, what…? What happened?"

"K-kiddo had an… accident," Sans said uncomfortably, unable to look him quite in the eye sockets. Papyrus eyed the bloody knife lying in the corner, shifting from foot to foot as he glanced back over at Frisk, who was staring up at him in terror, their eyes wide.

"… An accident," Papyrus repeated slowly.

"I-it was m-my fault," Frisk's voice came out in barely above a whisper. "P-please don't b-be mad… !"

"I'm not angry at anyone," he slowly knelt in front of them, gently placing a large hand over their tiny shoulder, smiling softly. "Just promise me that you'll be more careful in the future. Okay, Frisk?"

"O-okay," relief flooded their face almost instantly as they hugged him. "I promise, Papy."

Sans watched the entire display without moving, almost without breathing, and his chest tightened up the instant Papyrus glanced over at him with a very peculiar look on his face.

"… I'll-I'll just finish cleaning," Sans said awkwardly, his cheeks strangely colored as he looked away back down at the half cleaned mess on the floor.

"Do you still need bandages or anything, little one?"

"No, it's-it's okay," Frisk shook their head. "Sans took care of me."

"Alright then. Why don't you go find your nightclothes and pick out a movie for us tonight, Frisk? I'll get started on dinner for everyone, how does that sound?"

Frisk nodded with a small smile, hugging him again before scampering off to the living room.

Papyrus waited until they were out of earshot to slowly, ever so slowly, stand and turn until he was facing Sans. The shorter skeleton tried to continue scrubbing without looking up, but he could easily see the blue dusting his cheeks. Papyrus's gloved hands were shaking, his neck and shoulders so tense that his head pounded.

"… Must have been a terrible accident," Papyrus started casually, crossing his arms. He sniffed for a moment and glanced to the almost empty liquor bottle lying in the floor. "… Have… have you been drinking again, Sans?"

"Y-yeah," Sans quietly said as he dipped the sponge in the bucket once again, finishing up cleaning the red mess, either ignorant or apathetic towards the blood all over his clothes. "Needed it. Must've… nicked an artery or-or something."

"Yeah. Or something."

"Are you tryin' to imply somethin', Paps?" Sans retorted angrily, throwing the sponge into the bucket with a small splash. Why had he grown so furious? It was just as irritating to Papyrus, didn't he care? His breathing was heavy and he looked more tired than ever, and the anger was plain in his scowl.

"I'm not implying anything!" Papyrus stamped a foot against the floor. "I'm asking, and I'm angry! Why is it that every single time I come back after leaving Frisk with you, they seem to have been hurt again in one way or another?"

Sans spluttered and grasped at nothing in his hands, eye sockets wide.

"What ?!" his voice was steadily rising. "Paps, what the hell! This isn't my fault!"

"I didn't say it was!" Papyrus said defensively. "I just want to know the truth Sans!"

"Paps, what-what are you talking about?" Sans stood higher to glare at him. "I am tellin' you the truth!"

"So you're telling me that you won't lie to me," Papyrus lowered his voice a little, tilting his head downward.

"Of course not, Paps," Sans said a little more softly, embarrassed that he had resorted to shouting at Papyrus. God, he felt like garbage . "I-I won't lie to you."

"… Who is Gaster?"

The effect was almost instantaneous.

All of the color drained from Sans's face instantly, leaving him looking pale and about to be sick. The outright horror dawning on his features was plain as day, it was like a switch had been thrown and right then Papyrus knew that there was no going back. But he was getting answers, one way or another.

"… W-where did you hear that name?" Sans choked, staring up at him.

"Who is he, Sans?" Papyrus frowned. "Is he really why… why I don't… remember?"

Sans didn't answer. All of the light went out of his eye sockets and he appeared ready to drop at a moment's notice. "So how about I ask a different question… how long have you been lying to me, Sans?"

"I can't fucking believe this!" Sans bellowed. "Paps, what?"

"I'm not stupid, Sans! Don't treat me like I am!"

"I never said you were stupid-"

"No, you just act like I am! Why can't you just tell me the truth for once ?!"

"It's a need to know basis, Paps-"

"Oh, and I don't need to know? Amnesia of half my damn life is kinda important to me, Sans!"

"Can you quit shouting and chill the shit out?" the shorter skeleton's flushed face was ablaze with anger. "I can't help it if I need ta protect you-"

"By lying to my face for years on end!"

"You know what?" Sans screamed and stood on his tiptoes for little to no effect, thrusting his shaking fists in his jacket pockets. "Fuck you, Papyrus!"

Sans recoiled almost as soon as the words were out of his mouth, and no matter how much he wanted to take it back there was no undoing what he had just done. If he had looked terrified at the mention of the name before, Sans looked like he had just seen the face of the devil, horrified at his own words.

Papyrus took a step backwards, tears streaming freely down his face.

"P-Paps," Sans choked instantly, reaching out for his brother. Papyrus only jerked hard away, turning his head so that he wouldn't see him cry.

"… Okay. I'm… going for a walk," Papyrus said in an uneven tone.

"Goodnight, Sans."

"Paps - Papy, wait!" Sans stuttered, chasing after him and almost slipping on the floor. "Wait, Paps, fuck ; I'm sorry, I d-didn't mean -!"

Papyrus didn't hear the rest of what he had to say over the sound of the slamming door.

Sans sank to his knees, feeling like he was being choked by himself. What had he just done ? Papyrus was the best thing he had in his whole miserable life, and he was hurting him. He was a miserable, drunken piece of shit, screaming at his own brother because he couldn't handle it all. God he hated himself.

Because that's all he ever did. All he could do was hurt . It wasn't Papyrus's fault. It wasn't his fault, he wasn't to blame, it was the alcohol or something, all the crazy in his life. It was the resets . The goddamned resets, they made it too hard to think, made him too impulsive . It made him face himself for the monster that he really was.

Just when he thought he couldn't hate himself any more.

Sans was crying silently, desperately trying to wipe his eyes with his forearm when he noticed the terror stricken Frisk standing in the doorway. He started to stand and they backed away into the wall, hyperventilating and holding their hands out in front of them defensively. Like they knew how desperately he wanted to force a reset and try again. That's all it would take. One flick of the wrist and a burst of magic and Papyrus wouldn't remember anything. He could fix this.

They looked… so afraid.

And of course they were afraid, that was just one more thing to kick himself over. Of course they were afraid of him, because every time that he made a mistake, they were the one to suffer for it. And he wanted it, too. He wanted a reset, he wanted one badly, and it was just a matter of how willing he was to take an innocent life just to try again with his brother. And no matter how badly he wanted it, how desperately he wanted to go back, he knew in that instant that he couldn't do that to Frisk. They knew, they had to know, he could see from how badly they were shaking that they knew what might be coming. What he needed to happen.

There were some things that just couldn't be fixed. He had created a schism between his own brother, and he couldn't even blame the fucking anomaly anymore because they did nothing wrong, it was his fault and sooner or later he had to face it, it was always his fault that the people he loved the most were hurt.

"… Goddammit, " Sans breathed into his hands, trying to stem the flow of hot tears. "I'm… I'm s- shit . How… how much of that did you hear, kiddo?"

Frisk didn't respond, their lips were pressed tightly together and they looked ready to bolt at a moment's notice.

"I… I need you ta stay here for a bit, babybones," Sans murmured as he stood, wiping his eyes. "I… I gotta go find Paps. Okay?"

Frisk nodded for a moment. He waited for them to take off, for them to flee to safety. And instead of running away like he expected them to, they instead only darted up to him to hug him around the middle. They were trembling furiously, even more so than him. He didn't want them to be afraid. Not ever again. Not of anyone. Not of him.

Especially not of him.

"I'm gonna fix this, babybones."

God, I just wish that I knew how.

A short distance away, Flowey popped back down into the ground away from the window on the log house, giggling to himself.

Oh, this was going splendidly .