Normalcy

Chapter 60: Normalcy

Sans expected, every time, to see snow on the windowsill the moment he glanced outside.

And every time, it threw him off to see the setting sun, wondrous golden crimson-

-dashed across the checkered floor-

He shook his head and tried to clear his mind, tiredly letting his eye sockets droop as he sat by the window facing the sundown. He couldn't quite push off the sensation of being watched, but he was at least ready for it this time. He glanced over his shoulder expectantly but saw no one but Frisk, sound asleep curled up on the couch, shoulders rising and falling slowly. Sans shook his head and returned his gaze to the dwindling sunlight, the first few stars just starting to reveal themselves through the clear sky. He let out a quiet sigh and forced himself to rise from the windowsill, slowly dragging his slippered feet over to the couch.

Sans contemplated waking them for all but a moment, instead slipping an arm carefully underneath Frisk so as not to wake them. They didn't even stir when he picked them up, warily noting just how much he'd rather take a shortcut, but shook his head again. He gently readjusted them and ascended the wooden stairs, one at a time, even making sure to avoid the creaky one before remembering that he wasn't in Snowdin anymore. The habit still stuck, though, and he tried not to think on it. Papyrus poked his head out of his room and started to speak but Sans quickly brought a finger up in a hushing motion, and his jaw clacked shut as he nodded once. His brother stealthily swung Frisk's bedroom door open and Sans carefully laid them in bed, making sure to tuck them in before letting out a tired sigh, slipping out to join his brother. The air was heavy with the silence, thick as fog.

"… They haven't slept that well in a while," Papyrus noted after Sans closed the door.

"Yeah. I… I can relate."

"Come with me, brother."

Papyrus didn't explain as he descended, and Sans didn't ask. He simply followed close behind his brother and left the house, standing for a few seconds before finally sitting down beside him on the front porch steps. Sans drew a flask from within his jacket that he'd filled with Grillby's hard cider, taking a swig before replacing it, the burn just starting to set in. They just sat in silence for what felt like the longest time, just watching the sky. Sans dared a glance at his brother, who sat slumped forward on the step with his neck craned toward the sky, and Sans took in once again just how exhausted Papyrus looked. Even in the dark he could see the lines under his eye sockets, flinching when he remembered the small thin scar on his cheek. The way his shoulders curled in just a little too much, the slumped figure barely holding himself up, it was too much. The guilt began to rise all over again and Sans gazed up at the stars as well, all too desperate to lose himself in the endless ocean of lights.

"Drink."

"What?" Sans blinked, uncertain.

"Why do you still drink that awful junk?" Papyrus asked again without looking at him. "You have any left?"

"Uh. Why?"

"That wasn't a 'no', Sans."

"Well, I mean, uh-"

"Sans I have had one hell of a week, and I do not have the time."

He paused when Papyrus simply held out his open hand, giving him a side eyed glance. Sans fished in his jacket pocket for a moment and dropped the flask into his awaiting palm, but instead of tossing it away like he had expected, Papyrus actually pulled it to his teeth, the lamplight above cast long shadows over his face as he took a heavy drink. He could only stare in utter shock as Papyrus calmly let out a heavy breath through his nostril bone like nothing was wrong, when very clearly absolutely nothing was right.

"Papyrus," Sans finally managed to croak. "I don't really say this to ya often, but… what the fuck. "

"Guess you were right after all," he leaned back a little more comfortably, closing his eye sockets for a moment. "It does kind of help."

"Paps!" Sans blurted in disbelief. "I mean - you can't drink-! "

"Why not?" Papyrus stated evenly, taking another swig and letting his shoulders sag a bit more, his worries starting to drift away. "I'm not a babybones, Sans."

"That's not the point," he argued immediately, feeling more than a little disturbed by the sight of his little brother so tiredly taking to booze like a fish to water. "It's the principle-"

"And letting the little one drink is better, right?"

Sans's jaw clacked shut immediately, sweat gathering on his brow as his sins swarmed over his back.

"O-oh," was all he managed to muster.

"Yes," Papyrus finally returned the stare, but Sans was suddenly finding the toes of his slippers much more interesting all of a sudden.

"Oh. "

"It wasn't - I mean, it's not really - I mean, I didn't-"

"Sans," and he swallowed dryly. "It's not happening again. Understood?"

He could only nod once, unable to meet his brother's gaze. He heard Papyrus sigh quietly and finally looked over to see that he was passing the flask back to him. Sans hardly thought as he took an uneven and much needed swig for himself, eventually blowing a long breath through his nostril bone. He felt the effect almost immediately, the head rush and imminent reality closing in hitting him at the same unfortunate time.

"… Oh my god I can't believe I'm getting plastered with my brother," Sans wiped a hand down his face. He actually started to laugh a little before it died in his throat. "This is too insane to be real. What happened to our lives."

"I think that's a very complicated question without any good answers," Papyrus motioned for the flask and Sans passed it to him wordlessly. Papyrus took a heavy drink and shuddered, sticking out his orange tongue in revulsion. "Yech. Things have always been mostly okay, or at least I thought that they were. But maybe… maybe life isn't as simple and easy as I'd prefer it be, you know?"

"I know what you mean, bro," Sans accepted the flask back from him and drained it. He was dizzy at this point and glad that he was sitting down. He tucked the now empty container back into his pocket and folded his hands in his lap, joining his brother in silently staring up at the sky.

"… Every day I forget just how beautiful the night stars are," Papyrus admitted at last. "And every night I'm reminded again of the infinite gorgeousity of the universe. It blows my mind, Sans."

"It's weird to think about," he nodded once. "The amount of time it takes for the light of stars to reach this planet is so long that sometimes stars have long since imploded. We wouldn't see them go out for literally millions of years after the fact. We're literally observing time travel in motion."

"I didn't know that," Papyrus gave a little grin. "Sometimes I forget your obsession with space."

"It's not an obsession," Sans argued lightly. "Space is just really cool."

"To each their own," he shrugged simply. "I think it's a little scary. I mean, in the Underground, the highest we could see were the wishing stones in Waterfall. But out here…" Papyrus rubbed his stump awkwardly, eye sockets twinkling as he stared upward. "Gosh, Sans. It's all so big . It goes on forever, and ever, and it's… well, I understand why so many people are overwhelmed by it."

"Do you not like it?"

"I love it!" Papyrus blurted instantly, momentarily forgetting just how loud he was being and cleared his throat. "I really do, Sans. It's just… I wish that I could take more time to admire the nature of this outside world. There must be so much more to see. As soon as the human government has lifted the lockdown on the perimeters of New New Home, I…"

Papyrus fell silent for a moment, finally turning to him.

"Can I share something with you?"

"Of course, bro," Sans blinked. "You can talk to me about anything."

"… I'd like to go see a national park," he admitted after a half minute of silence. "Frisk tells me that the forests there are huge, even bigger and more varied than the ones we had in Snowdin. All types of beautiful trees and plantlife and wildlife. I wanna go out and see them, Sans."

"That's… that's really cool bro!" he grinned widely. "It would make for a fun hobby."

"I mean, since being head of the royal guard is basically just watering flowers now…" he said with a tinge of bitterness. "I might as well use some of that expertise to learn more. Y'know?"

"I'm happy for ya…" Sans leaned back on his elbows, letting his weary eye sockets close for a moment. "Do what makes you happy, bro. Whether it's getting a car or being in the royal guard or just wanderin' through the woods, don't ever let anybody hold ya back."

"We should all go to a national park sometime," he offered, stifling a yawn. "Just you, me, and the little one. Make it a family outing."

"We're havin' a family outing tomorrow, ain't we?"

"Please wear something appropriate to the beach," Papyrus gave him a level look. "Don't just throw on a jacket and call it a day this time. Please?"

"Of course, bro," he nodded. "No jokes this time. I'll save those for the beach," he added with a wink.

"Oh joyous day," Papyrus deadpanned. "How I look forward to the endless barrage of terrible puns."

"Hey, try not to beach about it."

"SANS."

He could only chortle and hide his smirk behind his hand, but astonishingly, he saw that Papyrus was wearing a tired smile.

They simply sat in silence for the longest while, just listening to the sounds of the city and gazing up at the stars.

After a while, Papyrus cleared his throat again. Sans wasn't certain what to expect, but he really didn't want to ruin the moment. He just wanted to savor each second of precious normality, but it was clear from the way that his brother was steeling himself that it wasn't going to last.

"… Sans," Papyrus leaned forward with his forearm on his knee, a bit drunkenly glancing over to the shorter skeleton. "I… we were all really worried about you, you know."

Sans wasn't quite certain of how to respond, so he held his silence.

"For a while, we… some of us thought that you weren't going to get back up," he wasn't looking at him anymore, just staring straight ahead, a strange look in his eye sockets. "After you had fallen down, it… it was hard to keep hope. It was difficult on everyone."

"I… I'm sorry, Paps," Sans whispered sincerely.

"I know that it wasn't on purpose," he closed his sockets and let out a sigh. "Sometimes I wonder if it would have helped you recover faster if I had let Alphys keep you at the lab, but… but I was too scared. Too afraid to have you that far away from home.

"You got that awful injury-" Sans absentmindedly ran the tips of his phalanges over the crack above his eye socket. "-and we all thought that you… that you might not make it. I don't think I've ever been so worried. I-I mean, Sans, I… I really, truly am glad that you're okay."

Okay is a pretty strong word.

"Thanks, Paps," Sans found it hard to swallow, his eye sockets stinging as he reached out to grip his brother's gloved thumb. "God knows where I'd be if it weren't for you, y'know?"

"I didn't really help you get better," Papyrus's shoulders dipped a bit more.

"… When Gaster was in my head," Sans was already regretting speaking, but refused to stop now. "He kept trying ta, I dunno. Ruin my memories, hollow me out. But rememberin' you, and Frisk, it… you guys kept me goin'. And, I dunno. I feel like I can keep goin', knowin' that my family is alright- aw shit Paps, I'm sorry," he jolted, feeling guilty as Papyrus wiped the tears from his face.

To his surprise, Papyrus just laughed and clapped him on the shoulder.

"I think we're both a little drunk, Sans," and he couldn't really argue with that. "It's late, we're both stressed out, and if it keeps going like this I'm either going to wind up crying some more or throwing up on the steps. So let's just get some rest, brother."

"I- yeah," he could have collapsed with relief. "Thanks - thank you, Paps. For-for everythin'."

He rose with his brother and made sure to lock the door behind him, a black car trundling down the road with their headlights off, and Sans wondered how humans could even manage to drive in the dark like that but shook it off, the buzz in his head the main target of his focus.

He was surprised once again to find Papyrus's hand on his shoulder, and he stared up at his tired brother to find a weary but small smile on his face.

"We're all going to get through this," his tone was soft but strong. "We will. All of us. Together… as a family."

Sans answered by hugging his brother around the middle, and Papyrus's arm wound around his back in a powerful squeeze. It got hard to swallow all of a sudden again and his shoulders began to tremble but he forced it down, the euphoria tinged with worry from seeing the exhaustion on his brother's face, but that little spark of hope remained. Papyrus finally released him and quietly slipped upstairs, skipping the one creaky step that wasn't there.

"Good night, Sans."

"G'night, bro."

Sans simply stood in the living room for what felt like the longest time, alcohol coursing through him as he mulled a great many things over. Eventually he slumped onto the couch without bothering to remove his slippers or even his jacket, eye sockets wide open as he stared up at the ceiling.

Granted, he was a complete fuck up, he'd proven that at every single turn.

But maybe, if he kept trying just a little harder every day, just maybe, he could finally find some sense of normalcy.

Sans managed to drag himself to his bedroom at some point during the night, but it must have been either very very late or very early, and he wasn't too keen on finding out exactly what. He stumbled into the kitchen for his routine checks and thankfully all the knives were still put high up out of easy reach, which he silently thanked Papyrus for. He debated getting a midnight snack but thought against it, grabbing the ketchup bottle instead. His favorite brand was always laced (thank you, Grillby) and from the way his head was pounding it would helpfully take the edge off. Not the only reason his phalanges were rattling, but he wouldn't think about that. After a few long chugs of the sweet spiced heavenly sauce, he tucked the bottle into his inner jacket and flicked the light off, stealthily clambering the stairs so as not to wake anyone. He was half tempted to peek into Frisk's room to ensure that they were still sleeping, but he didn't want to risk waking them and introducing them to his melancholy mood. So instead he stalked past as quietly as he could, unlocking his bedroom door and slipping inside, careful to latch the door with nary a sound. He let out a heavy breath and dragged himself to his patiently waiting bed, quietly thanking Papyrus for tidying up the place during his absence. He'd have to put some real effort into dirtying the place up again.

Sans dropped onto his back and let out a quiet sigh, the light buzz still ringing in his head, but he still couldn't manage to close his eye sockets.

His gaze wandered to the corner of the room, expecting to see that crack faced nightmare just stalking him again, and once more there was no sign of Gaster.

Seeing him flicker into existence now and then always put him on edge.

Never seeing him at all was making it much worse.

I'm just being paranoid.

Sans just had to repeat that to himself a few dozen times. Unsurprisingly, it didn't work. He still had so many questions. What was the old psychopath even up to? Why hadn't he seen anything of him since 'the incident?' Exactly what was he planning, why play into Sans's fear of the resets at all? To what end? He shifted on his mattress above the covers and let his head drop onto the pillows before raising it back up and repeating the process, begging for a swift sleep, but of course it didn't come.

He was, once again, left helplessly staring at the ceiling and begging for a release that didn't answer his call. His thoughts ran rampant through his mind, his soul twinging painfully at just what an experience it was going to be explaining everything to what would surely be a judgmental crowd after tomorrow's final day of peace. Maybe if he just focused really hard on what the next day would be like he could hurry up and fall asleep.

Of course, this didn't help either.

So he wound up doing what he usually did, mulled things over and analyzed the many parts of his life where he'd gone wrong while staring up at the ceiling, lost to the world. Stars and stones, he'd made so many, many mistakes. It was a wonder that Papyrus would even still call him family, knowing the things that he did now. But maybe with effort - true, genuine effort - things might get a little better. But the idea of trying seemed so distant and terrifying, really. But he would do it. No matter how much it hurt, he swore that to himself. He'd barely managed to close his eye sockets, stuck in a limbo of drunken half awareness, staring through the dark at old memories he'd rather stay forgotten.

However, apparently he'd gotten so lost in his thoughts that he hadn't heard the door creak open, and was startled out of his reverie by the pair of crimson eyes meeting his own.

Sans let out a low sigh through his nasal cavity, closing his eye sockets for a moment. It was too late to pretend to be asleep and hope that they'd simply go back to bed. He heard the door snap closed and he shifted to sit up in bed, mildly surprised to see Chara simply standing beside the bed, twiddling their hands together.

"… What's up, pal?" Sans asked tiredly.

"Had a bad dream," they replied simply, offering no further insight. Sans just sighed and sat up, motioning for them to join him. Chara hesitated for just a moment before clambering up to sit beside him, and Sans carefully put an arm around their shoulder.

"Ya wanna talk about it, babybones?"

"No. Shut up."

"You sure?"

"Yes. Shut up."

"Because I'm here for ya if-"

"Yes I know now shut up, bone bag."

They offered no measure of insight as to what had them bothered, and Sans didn't press the issue. They both just sat in silence with their backs to the wall, his arm draped over their shoulder. It took several long, quiet minutes, but he finally realized from how steady and low their breathing was that Chara had fallen asleep. So, unwilling to wake them, he wordlessly draped the blanket over their lap as carefully as he could, pulled them just a bit closer, and stared up at the darkness knowing that sleep wouldn't be coming tonight after all. And all things considered, he was almost okay with that.