Author's Note: Hi, Lily here! If you are a normal person here to read my story, thank you so much for taking the time to check this story out. If you are a "person" who's asking for commissions because my story is sooooo good, you're a LYING BUTTHOLE WHO NEEDS TO GET BENT! I'm a digital artist too, so literally, GET BENT! And I'll know you guys are LYING BUTTHOLES that didn't even read my story if you still keep trying to contact me about commissions after this disclaimer.
As for everyone else, I'm sorry I had to do that. I'm not always this unhinged. I love my normal, non-spam readers. You normal innocent readers deserve all the love and candy. Again, I'm sorry you had to see this.
-Lily
Sugar We're Going Down
It was the best of times, it was the worst of times. It was the best time of the year, because it was summer vacation. However, it was also the worst time this group of kids ever had, because instead of enjoying their summer break bullshitting their time away, they were spending it at a rehabilitation "retreat" for troubled teens.
"Great, just focus on the pattern- that is if you want to follow a pattern, but I highly suggest you do because I have a little issue with disorganization and it will drive me a little crazy," Joe calmly said as he threaded a piece of string through a plastic bead.
"This is so boring," Tai groaned.
"Just shut up and do it. It's not like they gave us anything better to do," Sora quipped in his ear.
"Ummm...Joey?" Mimi put her strung beads down on the floor and raised her hand.
"Please, my name is Joe. Just Joe. If you guys can't get that right, we'll have to go back to formalities and you'll have to call me Counselor Kido again," Joe sternly said.
"Ew, I was going to ask something but never mind," Mimi scrunched up her face.
"I'll ask. So Joe, when are we going to do something else? I'm beaded out," TK huffed.
"That's nonsense! You can't be!" Joe gasped.
"I got bored and just made a sculpture of a large bead using the strings as reinforcements," Izzy shrugged.
"I moved past the stupid bracelets and started making pants out of beads," Mimi held up her project.
"That's impressive," Sora nodded in awe.
"I just started swallowing them and pretending they were benzos. Spoiler alert, the placebo effect only goes so far," Tai frowned.
"Your butthole is soooo going to hurt later," Matt smirked.
"Oh...I wish I thought of that before I did that," Tai popped his lips.
"YOU ATE MY BEADS?!" Joe gasped.
"Don't worry, you'll get them back soon," Izzy remarked.
"AYAYAYAYAYA! I don't want your shitty beads! I can't believe this! I try to do a calming activity with you-you-you dopeheads and this is how you ingrates...," Joe stormed out of the cabin.
"You can't complete a day until you give good ole reliable Joe a mental breakdown," Tai smirked.
"You guys, that's so mean," Sora pouted.
"Aww, defending your boyfriend?" Mimi made kissy noises.
"What? No!" Sora blushed.
"But he's a college boy, and you're going to be a senior. That's practically a ticket to-"
"Jail, Mimi. Jail. She'll send the schmuck to prison," Matt interrupted her.
"Really? I had a 32-year-old boyfriend when I was 13. We didn't do anything other than chat online, we didn't even meet in person. He always asked for pictures of me, which was so weird, so when I finally sent him some, I sent him my class photos. I think he blocked me because I had braces on and happened to wear a SpongeBob shirt in that picture," Mimi shrugged.
"Yeeeahhh, I don't think that's why he blocked you," Tai whistled.
"Then why?" Mimi asked.
"You were talking to a pedophile, Mimi. Who on earth willingly talks to a 13-year-old on purpose?" Izzy snapped.
"Oh," Mimi pursed her lips.
"AYAYAYAYAYAYA! AS IF THIS DAY CAN'T GET ANY WORSE!" Joe burst back inside the cabin.
"What happened?" Sora turned around.
"It's snowing...and we just started the first day of August!" Joe pointed to the window.
"Holy shit, Joe's not kidding," Matt ran up to get a better look.
"Ugh, this snow better go away soon. It's bad enough I'll be spending my birthday here, but if it's snowy too? Just kill me now," Mimi laid on her back and sprawled out on the floor.
"I think it's safe to say most of us already want to," Matt turned around for a brief second.
"Guys, there's one of those things in the sky- like what Alaska has! Let's go outside!" TK peeked through the window.
"You mean an Aurora borealis?" Izzy raised an eyebrow.
"No, not the Disney princess you dumbass! He's talking about the Northern Lights!" Tai exclaimed.
"Why do I say anything?" Izzy sighed in frustration.
"Oh, how pretty! We should go outside and get a whole view of the sky!" Mimi threw her hands up in the air.
"That's a great idea!" Sora ran out of the cabin.
"I'm coming too!" Tai yelled.
"Ugh, why the hell not?" Izzy reluctantly got up from the floor and followed everyone out.
"Guys, where are you going? Get back here! Your parents didn't sign all of the liability form- arggghhhh!" Joe stormed after them.
"Whoa, watch out! There's meteors or something falling from the sky!" Matt yelled.
"I knew I should have just volunteered my time at an animal shelter, but nooooo...I was too scared to get peed on. Joke was clearly on me!" Joe whined.
"It only happened once, and it was that medication you guys doped me up on!" TK yelled.
"Oooh, I want to touch the light...," Mimi watched as a glowing light peeked out from the foot of snow and floated in front of her.
"I'd be careful, you don't know what that is," Sora winced as she cautiously stared at a similar ball of light floating in front of her.
"I touched it...," Mimi sheepishly said. "Uh...my hand is tingling?"
"I told you to be careful!" Sora gasped.
"Lol, it's all good now! Look what happened," Mimi opened her hand to reveal a small, green rectangular-shaped device with a white circle on the bottom and a small screen on top.
"How fascinating. That looks like an iPod nano, originally released around 2007, but with the increase of smartphones and streaming-"
"Oh my god, Izzy. Just shut up and grab the light!" Tai grabbed onto his light and looked in awe as an orange iPod nano materialized in his hand.
"You get an iPod nano, you get an iPod nano, you get an iPod nano!" Matt pointed at everyone, brandishing his new iPod nano.
"It's interesting to see how everyone reacts to receiving such antiquated devices. I don't think the wires to charge these are even manufactured anymore," Izzy said.
"But they're free!" TK exclaimed.
"Uh, does anyone have a pink one they'd like to trade with me?" Mimi asked.
"I have red," Sora shrugged.
"Ummm...I think I like my green one better actually, but thanks," Mimi sighed.
"Hey, Joe hasn't touched his light yet!" TK said.
"That's okay, I don't need an iPod nano! I hate music anyways!" Joe nervously stammered.
"Nonsense, what kind of monster hates music?" Sora gasped.
"I'm more of a podcast guy," Joe protested.
"Ughhhhh...," the group groaned in unison.
"If you don't want it, I'll take i-ow, son of a bitch!" Tai reached for Joe's light only to shock himself.
"See? Why would I touch that when I'm just going to get hurt?!" Joe yelled.
"No! Tai probably only got zapped because he already has an iPod nano, greedy bastard. Now go, touch it. The rest of us were just fine!" Matt yelled.
"Yeah, see?" Sora gently nodded.
"Totally! Although it kinda tingles really strong at first...," Mimi murmured.
"What was that?" Joe asked.
"Come on Joe, don't look a gift light in the mouth!" Tai grabbed Joe's wrist and forced his hand towards the light.
"Oh my god, I'm touching it!" Joe gasped.
"This is such a old man joke, but that's what she said...," TK smirked.
"Seriously?" Izzy raised an eyebrow.
"I couldn't help it," TK shrugged.
"Oh, you guys were right. This wasn't too bad after all," Joe gently brushed his finger along the sides of his silver iPod nano.
*rumble rumble rumble*
"Oh Joe, what did you do...?" Tai nervously said as the ground shook under his feet.
"What? What do you mean what did I do?!" Joe shouted.
"Ummm, hate to freak everyone out, but looks like there's a huge tidal wave coming our way and it's all Joe's fault," Tai pointed straight ahead.
"How is that my fault?!" Joe gasped.
"Well, you grabbed the light and the next thing you know, we got a 50-foot wave coming to obliterate us," Tai shrugged.
"You told me to grab the light even though I really didn't want to!" Joe protested.
"And you listen to a bunch of dumb high schoolers?" Izzy raised an eyebrow.
"Guys, I don't think we have time to argue whose fault this is! We need to find safety NOW!" Sora yelled.
"We should head for higher ground!" Matt pointed to a large hill.
"Yeah, no...we don't have time for that," Izzy shook his head.
"We could run back inside the cabin and pretend we're not going to die any minute now! Who wants to play a board game?" Mimi smiled.
"Okay, that sounds good!" TK nodded.
"Why not live our last moments pretending to have a good time with strangers we barely tolerate?" Matt casually strolled inside the cabin.
"Guys...I-uh, I give up," Joe sighed and followed everyone inside in defeat.
"So what should we play? We've got Monopoly, Clue, Pictiona-"
*WHOOOOOSH* *CRASH*
"Ugh...why do I feel like I got my ass kicked?" Tai groaned.
"Hi, are you awake noooow?" a pink blob slapped Tai's face with his thin, floppy ears.
"Whoa, what the hell are you? You're like a head... without a body. Gross," Tai made a face.
"The name's Koromon, and I'd appreciate if you didn't call me gross. Have you seen what you looked like in the mirror?" Koromon quipped.
"Great, I'm being roasted by a decapitated head," Tai grumbled.
"As rude, lazy, and ugly as you are, I'm happy you're here! We've all been waiting for you for a while now. Maybe the wait dragged on a little too long because I feel a little disappointed, but yay, you're here?" Koromon meekly said.
"Are you asking me a question or are you trying to make a statement?" Tai raised an eyebrow.
"To be honest, now that you're here, I'm questioning my whole existence," Koromon frowned.
"Well excuse me for getting my ass kicked by a literal tsunami and ending up in a random part of the campsite that I've never seen before!" Tai yelled.
"What's a campsite?" Koromon asked.
"What do you mean you don't know what a campsite is?! Where the hell am I then?!" Tai screamed.
"I figured I'd run into one of you loudmouths eventually," Izzy pushed through some bushes and walked up to Tai, a pink booger-shaped blob following his trail.
"Izzy? Do you know what's going on?" Tai sat up on the ground.
"Not really, except that it has to be Joe's fault," Izzy rubbed his chin. "Oh, by the way, I see you have one of these creatures too. Mines is named Motimon."
"Admit it, I'm the cutest thing you've seen yet," the pink booger smiled coyly.
"You look like a booger covered in Pepto Bismol," Tai flatly said.
"Ignore him, he's adjusting pretty poorly right now," Izzy said. "Tai, I'm assuming that you haven't seen anyone else?"
"Dude, I've been lying on my back ever since I gained consciousness- you know, like your mom after a swinger party?" Tai stuck his tongue out.
"Forget it. I'll just see if I can find someone more tolerable to be around. Let's go, Motimon," Izzy said.
"Iz, I don't think we'll have time for that...," Motimon pointed to the sky.
*buzzzzzzz*
"Yo, what the hell is that giant red beetle thing?!" Tai jumped.
"Oh that? That's a Kuwagamon. He might lowkey kill us," Koromon nonchalantly said.
"What?! What do you mean lowkey kill us?! Like it's not a big deal?!" Tai grabbed Koromon and shook him around.
"Yeah, we're out of here," Izzy scooped up Motimon and ran off.
"Byeeeee!" Motimon waved.
"Wait, no! I'm coming with you guys!" Tai yelled.
"No! Get lost!" Izzy yelled.
*buuuuuzzzzz*
"Guys, the Kuwagamon is gaining on us!" Motimon whimpered.
"I know! What do you think I'm doing? I'm trying to shake the big-haired doofus off!" Izzy yelled.
"Hey, like you're one to talk about hair, stupid ginger!" Tai tossed Koromon to the ground and tackled Izzy.
"Get off of-" Izzy fell back against, but oddly enough, through a tree.
"What the...?" Tai stared at the tree in confusion.
"Hey, you big-haired doofus! What did you do to Izzy?" Motimon's bottom lip began to tremble.
"First of all, you can call me Tai... it's short for big-haired doofus. And second of all, I have no idea what I did...," Tai stretched his hand out and touched the tree, only to have his hand pass through the bark. "Uh, guys... I don't think this is a real tree?"
"No shit, Sherlock," Koromon frowned. "So what are you going to do?"
"I dunno," Tai stuck his hand back in the tree only to get sucked up in it.
"Tai?" Koromon asked.
"Did he disappear too?" Motimon whimpered.
"I guess so. Hey, wanna see if there's cooler people who can adopt us?" Koromon asked.
"Eh, what else can we do?" Motimon shrugged.
"Let's go!" Koromon bounced.
"Izzy!" Tai stumbled into the hollow portal of the tree and rubbed his wrist. "Did you pull me inside?"
"What gave you that idea?" Izzy sarcastically said and contorted his face.
"Dude, I didn't know that I was going to push you into another dimension. I just thought I was going to shove you to the cold hard ground, nothing serious!" Tai shook his hands in front of his chest.
"STOP! TALKING!" Izzy barked.
"Okay, I know what I said probably didn't sound any better but I'm sor-"
"What part of 'stop talking' do you not understand?! The sooner I figure out how to get out of here, the better!" Izzy exclaimed.
"Have you guys actually tried getting out of the tree?" Sora peeked her head into the holographic portal.
"Sora?!" Tai and Izzy gasped at the same time.
"Yeah, we can see you guys fighting and it's starting to get a bit embarrassing...you can come out now," Sora pouted.
"Just so you know, Izzy started it," Tai grumbled.
"Everyone with a brain knows who really started it," Izzy muttered under his breath as he pushed his way through the tree.
"Hey, it's a class reunion!" Matt smirked.
"Damn, they're alive after all," Koromon frowned.
"I'm sorry for you. I like my partner," Motimon said.
"Huh, I see you all have little critters off your own too," Tai pointed at everyone.
"Hi, I'm Yokomon," a pink bulbous blob with a blue flower on top of its head bounced in Sora's arms.
"Sup, I'm Tsunomon," a hairy, orange ball with a spike on its head rested by Matt's feet.
"This is Tokomon! Isn't he cute?!" TK held up a pink blob with stubby legs and thin zigzag ears. "Give everyone a huge smile, Tokomon!"
"Hi everyone!" the Tokomon flashed a ferocious smile, revealing rows of sharp, shark-like fangs.
"Whoa! Please don't do that again!" Tai jumped back.
"Why so many teeth?" Izzy winced.
"You think that's bad? I've got this mutant baby seal on my shoulder who tells inappropriate jokes!" Joe nervously trembled.
"My name is Bukamon! BUKAMON! And my jokes aren't offensive, your balls just haven't dropped yet. Here's one I think everyone else can appreciate. So a vegan, a lesbian, and an atheist walk into a bar-"
"Oh...," Sora looked at Joe in pity.
"Hey, I'm glad we're all catching up, but I think we're missing someone. Where's Mimi?" Izzy asked.
"Who's to even say she's even here? Maybe she's in a different dimension...," Matt wiggled his fingers.
"Yeah, that's possible," Tai nodded.
"Seriously? Are we not going to look and see if she's here?" Izzy looked at everyone disapproving.
"Well...if she were here, wouldn't she be with us by now?" Joe shrugged.
"Wow, Counselor Kido being a good counselor," Tai clapped his hands and heckled.
"I was a counselor back at the retreat- but we're in no man's land now. I no longer have obligations to any of you feral little shitbags. Do you know how much of a waste of life you all are if your parents have to ship you off to a rehab camp for the summer?!" Joe crossed his arms.
"Rehab camp? I thought this was a gay conversion camp," Matt frowned.
"Huh?" Everyone turned to look at him.
"I mean, I came here for support...for TK, of course," Matt shrugged.
"Is that what Dad told you, or is that what you told yourself?" TK raised an eyebrow.
"Yeah Matt, I don't think that's how any of this works," Sora frowned.
*buzzzz*
"Hey, can we get back to that convo later- if we make it alive? We've been trying to run from that giant beetle in the sky!" Tai pointed at the Kuwagamon swinging through the trees.
"AHHHHHHH!"
"That's gotta be Mimi," Sora dryly said.
"Oh my god, oh my god, oh my god!" Mimi ran up to everyone, holding a green blob with a sprout on its head.
"Oh yay, Mimi... we were sooooo getting worried about you," Matt said in a deadpan tone.
"Fuck, we're all goners now, aren't we?" Tai said through the sides of his teeth.
"Uh huh...," everyone else nodded subtly.
"Oh my god, me and Tanemon were just casually strolling when this creepy bug-"
"We get it, that thing is going to kill us, and it might kill us sooner if we stand here like a couple of idiots! Let's move it!" Tai barked.
"We can't run forever! We have to fight back!" Tsunomon leaped out from Matt's arms.
"Yeah, I'm starting to get too lazy to run," Koromon bounced in place.
"What?! What do you mean fight back?! That thing looks bigger than the Prudential Tower!" Joe heaved.
"You guys sit back, we got this!" Bukamon launched himself off of Joe's shoulder and started blowing bubbles at the Kuwagamon. All of the other blobs then began blowing bubbles at the giant beetle.
"Uh...is this the end?" Sora winced.
"You tell me. Do you really think these mutant bubble machines are going to take down this scary killer bug?! TELL ME!" Joe shouted.
"Yeah, we're done for, for sure...," Matt winced.
"Hey, check it! My iPod nano is doing something weird!" Mimi pointed to her little screen, which showed an Apple icon with a progress bar on the bottom.
"Huh, why is it updating?" Izzy frowned. He pulled his iPod nano out of his pocket and raised his eyebrows in shock. "Hey, my iPod nano is updating too. Is anyone else's doing the same?"
"Yeah...," TK shrugged.
"Don't you need Internet or something to update these things?" Sora shook her iPod nano.
"Hey look, our mutant bubble machines are changing!" Tai pointed.
"Koromon digivolve to Agumon!"
"Tsunomon digivolve to Gabumon!"
"Yokomon digivolve to Biyomon!"
"Motimon digivolve to Tentomon!"
"Tanemon digivolve to Palmon!"
"Bukamon digivolve to Gomamon!"
"Tokomon digivolve to Patamon!"
"Holy shit, this feels longer than the Sailor Moon transitions, but worse because there's no naked chicks... this isn't going to happen all the time, is it?" Tai yelled.
"Pepper Breath!"
"Boom Bubble!"
"Spiral Twister!"
"Blue Blaster!"
"Super Shocker!"
"Poison Ivy!"
"Hey, what's the difference between Anne Frank and Harry Potter?"
"Aghhh, that joke's already my thirteenth reason! I don't even want to know the answer!" the Kuwagamon screamed and crashed into the cliff.
"Gomamon, you saved us!" Joe gasped.
*rumble rumble*
"Joe...what the hell?!" Tai shouted.
"What?!" Joe yelled.
"If it wasn't for your mutant pet trying to be the next Seinfeld, we wouldn't feel the earth shaking under our feet...AGAIN!" Tai screamed.
"We're not mutants, we're called digimon!" Gomamon yelled.
"A digimon? What's that?" Matt asked.
"Does it matter anymore when we're going to DIE?!" Tai shouted.
"We're not going to die! Just hold on to something!" Sora grabbed onto a tree.
"Good idea!" Tai wrapped his arms around Sora's waist.
"Not me, you idiot! You're going to weigh me down!" Sora shook him off.
"Okay!" Tai fell to the ground and picked up a random, large rock from the dirt.
"Oh boy...," Agumon muttered to himself.
"AHHHHHH!" the kids screamed as the chunk of land beneath them began to fall down into the unknown.
"We're going down, really down!" Joe stammered.
"In an earlier round...," Mimi started to sing.
"And sugar, we're going down swinging!" TK joined along.
"I'll be your number one with a bullet, a loaded God complex, COCK IT AND PULL IT!" TK and Mimi sang together.
"Guys, this is so inappropriate! We're actually falling to our deaths this time for real, and you want to be clowns about it?!" Joe screamed.
"Hey, if we're going to go off on a funny note... when does a joke become a dad joke?" Gomamon yelled.
"Screw it, we're all going to die in a couple of seconds anyways. What's the punchline?" Joe sighed.
"When it leaves and doesn't come back, eh...eh?"
*SPLASH*