Journal Entry – Day 45 (Probably)
I haven't written anything for a long time. Maybe two weeks? I'm not sure anymore. The days blend together here, like paint swirling until all the colors turn to gray.
I'm sorry, notebook. I just... didn't have the strength. It was like a heavy blanket was smothering me, making it hard to breathe, to move, to even think. I felt so alone, and the silence was so loud it hurt my ears.
But today, something changed.
I was flipping through The Rule of the Sororitas, not really reading, just letting the pages turn under my fingers. Then I found the "Morning Rite." I don't know how I missed it before.
There's a Litany that goes:
"O Emperor, strip me of my burdens, Empty me of selfish desire. Purge from me the wants of the flesh, That I may be filled with Your wrath against unholiness, Your love for all humanity, Your zeal for purity, And Your radiant glory. Let me be a vessel, hollow and true, So only Your light shines within me."
As I read it aloud, my voice shaky and small in this empty room, I felt tears on my cheeks. I don't even remember starting to cry. The words felt like they were peeling away the layers I've been hiding under, exposing all the messy, ugly parts of me.
I've been so caught up in my own sadness, my own wants. I want to get out of here. I want to know what's happening. I want someone to talk to me. But maybe that's selfish. Maybe I'm clinging to my own desires instead of trusting the Emperor's plan.
Then there's a Reading from Canoness Jessamine Hallas:
"Faith is the unbreakable shield upon which all heresy shatters. To question one's faith is to hold a shield riddled with cracks, inviting the enemy's blade. Let your faith be absolute, without doubt or hesitation, for in unwavering belief lies the strength to vanquish darkness. The moment you allow uncertainty to creep in, you have already stepped onto the path of corruption."
Her words scare me. What if my doubts mean I'm already corrupt? I've always had questions swirling in my head, like little gnats that won't go away. Even when I believe with all my heart that the Emperor is watching over me, there's a tiny voice whispering, asking things I shouldn't be asking.
Why am I here? Why did the Light Woman bring me here? What am I supposed to be? What if I'm tainted… and don't even know it?
Valeria never seemed to struggle like this. She was always so sure, her eyes bright with faith. And Sister Helena... she moves with such purpose, like she and the Emperor are one and the same. I've always admired them, wanted to be like them. But no matter how hard I try, I can't silence the questions.
Does that make me weak? Does it make me... a heretic?
The Collect at the end was a prayer:
"O Emperor, grant me the purity of blind faith, That Your light may be all I see. Let every question find silence, Not through answers, but through unwavering focus on You. Shield me from doubt, for in doubt lies the seed of heresy. Fill me completely, that there is no room for anything but Your will. Your light is enough. Your light is everything. Emperor be praised."
I whispered the words, my hands clasped so tight my knuckles turned white. I wanted to mean them. I wanted the doubts to just vanish, to feel that warm certainty that Valeria and Sister Helena seem to have.
But even as I prayed, the questions were still there, lurking in the corners of my mind.
What if faith isn't about being blind? What if the Emperor wants us to seek, to understand? If His light is so strong, shouldn't it shine even brighter when we ask questions, not dim? How strong can a shield be if it can't withstand even a simple question?
Oh, Emperor! Did I just accuse a saint of having weak faith!? Am I wrong to think this way? I must be! But…
Nothing makes sense anymore…
I feel like there's something broken inside me, something that can't be fixed. Maybe Lucious saw it. Maybe that's why he did what he did. Maybe he knew I was weak, that I was already tainted with doubt.
But I don't want to be like that. I want to be strong. I want to have faith that doesn't waver, that doesn't shake every time I'm alone in the dark.
I tried to change my thoughts. I focused on my exercises. My body is getting stronger I've been running laps around the room—at first, I could barely do a few without collapsing. Now, I've reached a thousand laps! It sounds like a lot, but in this small space, it's not as impressive as it seems. Still, it's progress. My augmetic arm moves smoothly again, not dragging me down like before. I've memorized the Fifty Litanies of Contempt. When I recite them, I feel a spark of strength.
"Contempt for the heretic, who twists the Emperor's truth.
Contempt for the mutant, a mockery of His perfect form.
Contempt for the xeno, who seeks to corrupt His realm.
Contempt is my shield; righteousness is my blade."
The list goes on, but then a whisper in my mind asks, "What if I'm the heretic?"
I shake my head hard when that happens, until the thoughts scatter like startled birds. I don't want to think that way. I can't. I won't…
I hope they'll let me out soon. Maybe if I show that I'm faithful, that I'm strong, they'll see I'm not tainted. That I can serve. I just… I just want to serve, faithfully, like my mother. I don't care about where or how. I'm sorry Helena, Valeria, but it's the truth; I just want the opportunity, any kind of service. I suppose… even death…
"Emperor, please hear me. I'm trying so hard to be the daughter You want me to be. I'm scared that there's something wrong with me, that my questions mean I'm not worthy. Please, help me silence these doubts. Fill me with Your light so there's no room for them.
I'm sorry for thinking things I shouldn't. For questioning when I should be trusting. Forgive me if I've failed You.
Please watch over Sister Helena and Valeria. Keep them safe. I wish I could see them again. Maybe they'd know what to do.
Thank You for giving me strength each day. I'll keep trying. I won't give up.
Your will be done."
For those reading this… I…
Nevermind…