"Mail's here," Cordelia announced as she entered the lobby with a couple of letters and several packages.
Xander looked up from the book on illusion magic and the fey he was reading. "Is it here?"
"I've got two packages, one for you and one for Angel, and I have to say Drusilla has exquisite penmanship," Cordelia noted as she handed Xander a small box.
Xander sniffed the air and then leaned down and sniffed the package, getting a raised eyebrow from Cordelia.
"Perfumed?" Doyle guessed from behind the counter where he was manning the phones, looking presentable for once, as he was freshly shaved and changed.
"Vanilla musk," Xander agreed. He cut open the box with his dagger. "And we have a very racy pair of black panties and two tapes… Betamax tapes. Why did she send me Betamax tapes?"
"Beta is better quality than VHS from what I hear," Doyle offered.
"Forget that, why did she send you a pair of her panties?!" Cordelia demanded.
"Best guess?" Xander asked and chuckled at the look she gave him. "Because while Spike was torturing me I told him I was going to fuck Dru in front of him and make him sit in the cuck chair."
"How are you still alive?" Cordelia asked in disbelief.
Xander shrugged. "No idea, I was pretty out of it at the time."
"Were you trying to get yourself killed?!" Cordelia demanded.
"Possibly?" Xander offered. "I was being used to make Willow obey him… so, maybe."
Cordelia groaned and facepalmed. "That is just like you."
"Well, it was me, so yeah," Xander agreed with a shrug.
"Hopefully Angel's tape is VHS because I'm not sure where I can get a Betamax VCR," Doyle said. "Might find one at Goodwill or a pawnshop, but these days they are hard to find."
"It's old, Angel probably has one tucked away somewhere," Xander guessed. "Maybe she agrees with Angel that I shouldn't watch it alone."
"How long till sunset?" Cordelia asked.
"Hours, multiple hours," Doyle offered.
"I hate waiting," Cordelia complained, setting the mail on the counter.
Doyle picked up the mail and started sorting through it, throwing the majority of it away. "Angel still needs his sleep, vampire or not."
"How are you so calm?" Cordelia demanded, glaring at Xander.
"Why wouldn't I be?" he asked, confused.
"We're going to be watching you get tortured!"
"Yeah… and?" he asked.
"You should be upset," she told him.
"I lived through it with no major injuries, or at least no crippling ones," he replied. "I'm more curious than anything else."
"I… can see where you're coming from," Cordelia admitted. "Not sure that's exactly a sane outlook, but then none of us are pictures of perfect mental health."
"If we were sane, well adjusted people we wouldn't hunt demons," Xander said.
"Speak for yourself, I'm only doing this until I hit it big," Cordelia said.
"How has your acting career been going?"
"Meh, too many offers for the casting couch and not enough for solid roles," she complained. "I've had some minor non-speaking roles, but it's going to take time to make any real headway."
"Have you been looking for commercial work?" Xander asked.
"All work is commercial work," she replied with a frown.
Xander shifted in his seat and winced a little. "No, I mean have you tried out for commercials? A lot of actors and actresses have been discovered because some director saw them in a commercial."
"Oh, I should have thought of that myself," Cordelia admitted. "Okay, so how did you get bruised up and why aren't you telling me? It's kind of obvious and just getting kinda ridiculous to ignore it at this point."
"I had a very good date and things got physical," Xander replied. "Not my fault you thought I'd gotten in a fight."
"I figured the odds were better," she admitted bluntly. "Okay, so you were bumping uglies and she's so strong she can crush diamonds in her hands, frankly I'm surprised you survived." Cordelia turned to Doyle. "What was your excuse? And no saying bro-code!"
"Um," Doyle winced. "I know he's your ex and figured you'd be upset at him being with another woman even if you aren't dating anymore."
"To find a replacement for me he had to date Wonder Woman," Cordelia smugly pointed out.
"I forgot how impressive your ego was," Xander said. "If we ever have to face something that attacks people's egos I'm using you for cover."
Doyle coughed in his hand to cover a laugh.
"Think I should open Angel's mail to make sure it's a VHS tape?" Cordelia asked, her curiosity about Xander's condition satisfied.
"Nah, if she meant for you to open it she would have addressed it to you," Xander said, opening his book back up.
Cordelia sighed. "I'm bored. Entertain me."
0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0
Angel woke up as the sun set, pausing as he waited for Angelus to start his endless tirade of hate but heard nothing. It took a moment for him to recall the events of yesterday and smile at the blissful silence in his own head.
He got up with a spring in his step and went to clean up, pausing in confusion as he saw his reflection in the mirror. He hadn't seen his own face in centuries… and he looked a lot better than he had when he was alive.
Intellectually he knew becoming a vampire had changed him and he'd seen paintings of how he looked after being turned, but this was the first time he'd actually seen his new reflection. He wasn't sure why he had one now when he hadn't before.
On a whim he called up Angelus and watched as his reflection faded away, before pushing the demon away and watching it return once more.
"Man I love this ring… and I use way too much hair gel," he realized before laughing and starting the shower, eager to start the day.
The Lobby
"What?" Cordelia asked as she saw Xander frown.
"I feel like I just missed a great opportunity to zing Angel," Xander admitted with a shrug, unsure why he felt that way.
Cordelia rolled her eyes. "Are you ever going to stop ragging on him?"
"Probably not," Xander replied cheerfully, "it's just how we interact."
"Stupid guy stuff," Cordelia said dryly.
"Exactly," Xander agreed. "Now, stop stealing all my fries."
"They are within arm's reach, therefore they are my fries," she told him, stealing another one.
"Stupid girl stuff," Xander complained.
"Exactly," she agreed smugly.
"Does that mean that if I claim to be a girl I can steal fries?" Doyle asked.
"Of course," Xander agreed. "As long as it's funny we'll go along with it."
"Sucker," Cordelia said, stealing half his remaining fries when he turned to Doyle.
*ring*ring*
"Hey Dawn," Xander said. "Nada for today. Just been hanging out waiting for Angel to get up. Catching up with Cordy, getting to know Angel's assistant Doyle. I was planning on giving a lecture to the LAPD tomorrow and I was thinking of heading to Arizona since it's close by, but really any direction is good. The quicker I get out of state and look around the less likely I'll get wanderlust and need to go traveling during the year… Central City? I suppose I can head there, Missouri is in the center of the US and it would get me out of California, which I could tour on the weekends anyway. Sure, as long as your Mom says okay. Same as the last question. Love you too, bye."
"She's still a chatterbox," Cordelia said, amused as she ate Xander's fries.
"No idea," Xander said, "no memory, remember?"
"I forgot about that," Cordelia admitted. "Still, you two seem much closer without Buffy in the way."
"Probably," Xander agreed. "Anything Buffy told me about her little sister is gone, so if she told me not to date her I don't remember it."
"Good morning everyone," Angel said, a big smile on his face.
"It's a little freaky seeing you happy," Xander said, "that's going to take a while to get used to."
"Why are you missing, like, half your hair gel?" Cordelia asked.
"Huh," Xander said, "didn't notice that."
"I have a reflection," Angel said with a grin, "I don't have to use nearly as much to make sure my hair is perfect."
"Wait! Is that why vampires use so much hair gel?" Cordelia asked.
"I thought that was obvious," Angel said, surprised. "If you can't see your reflection it's easy to end up overdoing it."
"And that's getting added to my lecture on vampires," Xander said with a snicker.
"Hey, did Buffy ever tell Xander not to date Dawn?" Cordelia asked.
"That came out of left field," Angel said. "I don't recall her ever flat out saying it, but she did try to discourage Dawn, who would then remark on Buffy's dating history and they would quarrel for a bit."
"So she probably did just to get back at Dawn," Xander said. "Oh well, sucks to be her."
"A package came for you," Doyle said, holding up the box Drusilla had sent him.
"That's probably the tape," Angel said solemnly. "Are you sure you're okay watching it?" he asked Xander.
"I'm fine," Xander waved it off, "we've already established that I'm not sane enough to take psychic damage from watching it while you were asleep."
Cordelia nodded when Angel turned to look at her for her opinion.
"Well alright then," Angel said, getting the box from Doyle and slicing it open with his thumb nail. "And we have one tape."
"VHS, lower quality," Xander noted, "and no panties."
"Panties?" Angel asked.
"Drusilla sent him two Beta tapes, which according to Doyle are higher quality recordings and a pair of perfumed panties," Cordelia explained.
"Yeah, that sounds like Dru," Angel said, knowing she was confusing at the best of times.
"Pop it in," Xander said, gesturing to the VCR, "I want to find out why it terrifies the vamps who have seen it."
"If you're sure," Angel said, wanting to make sure Xander was okay with it.
"I am," Xander assured him. "Do we have any popcorn?"
"You want popcorn?" Cordelia asked in disbelief.
"I normally eat popcorn when I relax and watch movies," Xander said, "it may help you guys relax as well."
"That… Actually that makes sense," Cordelia admitted.
"So, I should make a big bowl of popcorn?" Doyle asked.
"Yes," Cordelia said with a shrug.
"I wasn't missing any body parts, I didn't have railroad spikes driven through my limbs," Xander reminded them, "so we're probably looking at me getting punched a lot with Spike having to hold back his strength, that's not exactly traumatizing."
"Good point," Angel said. "Alright, let's get this started."
"Popcorn first, it's comfort food," Xander said, "just in case there is something disturbing."
"Like you being tortured?" Cordelia asked.
"No, like Spike's pasty ass mooning the camera," Xander said with a shudder.
They waited for a couple of minutes until Doyle returned with a big bowl of popcorn which Xander grabbed.
"Okay, let's start the show," Xander said.
Angel hit play and the tape began, showing Spike walking away from the camera he'd just started, Xander lying limp on the floor.
Spike slapped him around a bit to wake him up.
"Dad?" Xander asked blearily.
"No you ponce, I'm not your blooming father, I'm the vampire that's going to kill you unless you do what I say!"
"As opposed to killing me after I do what you say?" Xander asked as he began to focus on his surroundings.
"I might let you live," Spike said, clearly a little tipsy.
"And monkeys might fly out of my butt," Xander replied, "the odds are about the same, so really the only way I have to hurt you is to frustrate you."
"And what if I raped the witch in the next room-" Spike began only to have to fight off a furious Xander.
"I look like an angry chihuahua," Xander said with a groan as Spike easily handled him, kicking him into the wall.
Xander climbed back to his feet. "Yeah, torture the witch who is about to cast a spell, that's a bright idea. How well did that work for Angelus?"
Spike paused, clearly rethinking his threats.
"I- Angelus didn't torture the Romani to have them cast spells," Angel said, "that would be beyond stupid even for him."
"Yeah, but his drunk ass bought it," Xander pointed out.
"I just need one little spell and I'm gone," Spike said.
"I agree, but I never studied fire spells," Xander said, only for Spike to backhand him to the ground.
"You're going to do what I say!" Spike yelled at him.
Xander got back up. "Nah, you're going to kill me, then I'm going to get back up and end you."
"What the fuck are you talking about?" Spike demanded.
"We're on the Hellmouth, death isn't exactly a sure thing here, especially if there's enough hate involved and I have hate enough for the both of us," Xander told him before clumsily attacking him and getting tossed into the wall once more.
"This is so embarrassing," Xander groaned and covered his face as Spike knocked him down again and again.
"Why do you keep getting back up?" Cordelia asked in disbelief.
"Because revenants only rise if they refuse to stay down, stay dead," Xander explained.
"You can't just decide to keep getting back up and become a revenant," Angel said.
"Of course you can," Xander said, "that's the way it works. There is no spell, no alignment of stars, there's just a man who died saying I'm not done yet."
"And what if I turn you?!" Spike demanded, getting Xander in a half nelson. "Vampires don't become revenants."
"Then the vampire I become will dust you," Xander growled out and was thrown to the floor, where he slowly climbed to his feet once more. "Vampires need blood and vampires have blood in their veins. I wonder if it tastes better than human blood."
The next five minutes had Spike trying to put down an increasingly battered Xander who kept getting back up while asking disturbing questions about how much vampires drink and how much blood was in their veins.
"That was a lot of blows to the head," Doyle said in disbelief.
"Which explains why I don't remember it," Xander said.
"Dusting is too good for you," Xander slurred out, "I'm going to fuck Drusilla and make you watch!"
Spike landed a blow on Xander that flung him into the wall, the sound of ribs breaking clearly audible, but as Xander got back up Spike left, trembling in rage.
"B-But you weren't that badly injured!" Cordelia exclaimed. "You visited me in the hospital!"
"Yeah, hopefully the tape explains things," Xander said.
The next ten minutes had Spike returning only for Xander to explain in detail how the vampire him was going to cuck Spike in great detail.
Each time Spike would smack him around before leaving to calm down. Willow would come in while Spike was absent and the two would make out, Xander hiding his injuries from her until they heard Spike returning and Xander would send her off to the other room to hide.
"That's not right," Angel said, shaking his head.
"Yeah, he was dating me at the time," Cordelia said, but there was no heat to her words.
"I meant the way they were reacting to each other," Angel said, "their emotions are changing much too quickly."
"What does it take to make you get with the program?!" Spike roared out as Xander climbed to his feet once more from another body blow that interrupted his description of seeing if it was true that vampires didn't need to breathe with Drusilla.
"There's nothing you can offer me," Xander said bluntly.
"What if I promise to let the girl live?" Spike demanded. "I can't guarantee you will, considering your condition, but I will swear on my girl's life that I will let her go, you just… sit quietly and not argue."
Xander leaned forward and sniffed the air. "You're being truthful," he realized. He slumped. "Fine, she lives and I'll… sit quietly."
"Thanks," Spike said, his own posture loosening as he grabbed a bottle of whiskey and downed it.
"There's a lot of waiting around at this point," Xander said, "best to fast forward through it unless you feel like watching me and Willow make out some more."
"Fast forward," Cordelia ordered Angel.
The Scoobies made an appearance and Angel hit play once more as they were witness to Cordelia running off and getting injured and a lot of panic before everyone rushed Cordelia out of there and Xander was left standing alone in the warehouse staring at nothing.
"That's blood," Angel said, pointing at a puddle slowly growing beneath Xander's left foot.
"That can't be good," Xander said.
"Duh," Cordelia said, sighing.
A figure in black leather approached revealed to be a vampire as his fangs came out and he reached for Xander pulling him close, but Xander suddenly twisted and buried his teeth in the vampire's neck causing it to scream and struggle attracting another vampire just before it dusted and Xander turned and leapt on the second vampire repeating his actions.
"What the hell was that?!" Cordelia demanded.
"Vampire blood has great healing properties," Angel said, confused at what he was watching as Xander drained a third vampire before coming back to himself and wiping the blood off his face, looking like he'd just woken up and shouted, "Cordy!" before running from the room.
"I can see why they're scared of you now," Doyle offered.
"Yeah," Xander said numbly. "I guess I went a little primal there until I recovered. Thankfully I snapped out of it once I was healed."
Suddenly the screen went white and slowly pulled back to reveal the fact that Spike was mooning them.
"God damnit!" Xander cursed. "I didn't need to see that," he stated as Spike's laughter came through the speakers.
Typing By: Abyssal Angel
Beta By: Abyssal Angel and Mist of Shadows
Aegis Omake: Watching Spike's torture tape by Captaindickscratcher
Why do I get the feeling when Maze sees the video, she'll send Spike a report like a teacher pointing out the flaws in a student's essay.
Needs to understand adjusting for higher pain tolerance, threatening loved ones requires work, too much time wasted during the passed out phase.
4/10 read more modern medical text, watch Quentin Tarantino movies.
Xander: "I'm sorry I didn't think it was this bad, I was really delirious by this point."
Angel: "It's pretty gruesome even by mine and Spike's standards, no wonder vampires are terrified of you."
There on the screen Xander had been singing karaoke non-stop while being beaten, just to annoy Spike for almost two and a half hours.
Xander: "Guess Vampires really do have incredibly sensitive hearing."
Angel: "HOW?! Just how can you know how to hit the most painful wrong notes? How can you make Barbie Girl and Ice Ice Baby WORSE?! It's like being trapped in a small room with rock concert volumes, listening to the souls of the damned running rusty nails down a chalkboard while trapped in a well. Who's exactly torturing Who?"
Xander: "Well at least I didn't do the Macarena."
Ten minutes later, He did indeed do the Macarena as loudly as possible, causing every Vampire within two miles to start screaming in agony with three staking themselves to make it stop.