XXX
It was a Friday, and after a long week of classes, Patton and his friends liked to gather for movie night. This week, it was being held at the Hart Household, and Patton was excited to spend a nice evening with his friends.
That being said, Patton was worried about Janus, as he usually was. The air in their house was still tense after Janus's fight with their parents earlier in the week, and he'd hardly seen Janus at all since then. His brother seemed to be avoiding him even more than usual at school, and at home, Janus had only been leaving his room when either no one was around, or they were all asleep.
Of course, their parents were worried as well, and they had asked Patton to keep an eye on Janus while they were out for the night. So, although Patton felt that he already knew what Janus's response would be, he decided that he would try to invite Janus to join them in movie night.
And so there he was, knocking on Janus's bedroom door, just as he did in the morning.
"Hey, Jan!" he called. "Do you want to join us?"
He was met with silence, but Patton had long-since come to expect that, and so he tried again.
"Jan, are you awake?"
And he kept knocking.
"Jaaaaaaaaan."
Finally, he got a response as the door was flung open, almost making Patton knock on his brother's chest. Fortunately, he managed to pull his hand back in time to avoid hitting him.
"What do you want, Patton?" Janus questioned irritably, rubbing a hand over his face.
He could see the dark bags under Janus's eyes, which made Patton feel a little guilty for apparently waking Janus up from the nap he had been taking.
"Well, I just wanted to ask if you wanted to come join us for movie night," Patton offered. "I know that you're still grounded, but Mom and Dad said you were allowed to watch TV with us."
As soon as he finished talking, Patton knew he had made a mistake in mentioning their parents, as Janus's expression only grew stormier. Or maybe the mistake was extending the offer in the first place, even though Patton really didn't want to believe that was the case.
"Oh, how wonderful," Janus drawled, crossing his arms. "Unfortunately, I'm supposed to be studying, so I'll have to reject your oh so gracious offer, my dear, beloved brother."
The thick sarcasm in Janus's voice hurt, especially in the way Janus referred to him- dear, beloved brother. Of course, Janus would never use that phrasing in any way other than sarcastically, but using it now, with that tone of voice and that expression- it implied something, and that something hurt so much more than most of what Janus said to him.
"Are you sure?" Patton tried again, the very beginning of tears starting to form in his eyes. "You don't have to stay the whole time if you don't want to."
Then, to Patton's surprise, Janus's expression softened, just a bit.
"No thank you, Patton," his brother replied. "Just go and spend time with your friends. I know very well that no one really wants me to be there, except maybe you because you're an anomaly."
And with that, Janus closed the bedroom door, locking it.
"Wait, Jan-!" Patton called out, but to no avail.
Even after he tried to knock a few more times, he was only ignored.
Patton… hadn't expected that, and he certainly didn't like it either. That brief moment was probably their most open Janus had been with him in a long time, and that glimpse Patton got of what hid behind his brother's outer shell… Did Janus really think no one wanted him around? Did he really think Patton might not even want him around? Did he think he was only offering out of pity, or just because their parents made him?
Not knowing what else he could do, Patton slowly made his way back to the living room, where his friends were all gathered on the couch and/or floor.
Right before he entered the room, Patton rubbed his eyes and took a few steadying breaths in an attempt to appear normal, but that apparently hadn't been any more effective than his attempts to talk to his brother.
"Hey, Pat, are you alright?" Virgil asked once Patton came in, taking his spot next to him on the floor.
"Yeah, I'm fine."
And Patton tried to smile, he really did, but he couldn't stop the slight quiver in his lip, and so his true feelings were exposed.
"Pat."
He sighed, rubbing his eyes again.
"I know, I know. I'm supposed to be more honest about these things," Patton replied. "It's just… Jan…"
Hearing this, Virgil's face darkened.
"What'd he do this time?" Virgil demanded.
"Do you need me to go up there and knock some sense into him?" Roman offered.
"What?! No, no! Don't do that, okay?" Patton requested, putting his hands up in a placating gesture. "I'm not… Well, I'm a bit upset about what he said, but I'm a lot more worried about him."
"Patton, I understand that Janus is your brother, but you're allowed to be upset when he treats you badly," Logan offered.
"I… I know that," Patton accepted. "But even if he doesn't like me much anymore, I'm still worried about him, you know…? He's my brother, and he's really been having a rough time lately."
"Padre, according to you, Janus is always having a rough time," Roman told him, his tone negative.
"That's just the thing, though," Patton said, rubbing his eyes again. "He really is."
Next to him, Virgil put an arm around his shoulder and pulled him into a sideways hug. Patton knew that Virgil understood, maybe not as much as he himself did, but certainly more than Roman and Logan. Virgil had been Janus's best friend, so he knew more about Janus than the others.
That didn't mean that he approved of Janus's behavior, though.
"Whether he's having a hard time or not," Virgil spoke. "You still matter, Pat. His issues aren't an excuse for treating you like shit. Just because he has a reason for acting like a jerk doesn't mean it's right, and it doesn't mean you aren't affected by it."
"Thanks," Patton responded quietly, his voice a bit shaky. "But. I'm really okay. Maybe I can talk to Mom and Dad about it when they come back. So, how 'bout we start the movie?"
And if his three friends all gave him a look screaming that they weren't buying his insistence that he was fine, Patton pretended he didn't notice.
XXX
Janus hated himself. He really really hated himself.
He knew Patton wasn't trying to be a jerk, and the offer was, at least on some level, probably genuine. He knew Patton well enough to know that, even if their parents had told him to extend the offer, Patton had already been planning to do so anyway. That's just how Patton was, and even if it was infuriating and only ever stoked the raging fire of bitterness within him, Janus knew that Patton, at the very least, wasn't just asking to rub his friends in his face.
That didn't mean that Janus could, in any circumstance, have accepted the offer. Patton may have invited him- may have possibly even wanted him there, for some incomprehensible reason- but he knew his presence would have just ruined the entire thing. Even if it was just Patton, Janus's own bitterness and hurt feelings would have just inevitably led to him lashing out somehow. And adding in the presence of Patton's friends, especially Virgil, they'd be lucky if the night didn't end in flat-out murder (even he wasn't sure whether he would be the victim or the killer if such a thing really happened).
Janus wasn't an idiot- he knew Patton's friends didn't like him, and it wasn't as though he didn't understand why.
He really was terrible. He'd lashed out at Patton again, and this time, it really looked like Patton had been about to cry. Janus wasn't even sure which exact part it was that elicited that expression from his brother- whether it was the words, his tone, or both- but whatever it was, it broke past the mask of perfection that his brother usually wore. Patton had truly been upset, enough that Janus had seen it, and now Janus felt horrible.
His goal hadn't been to make Patton cry. He'd just wanted to be left alone- by everyone, really, but by his brother most of all- and being woken up from another nightmare to his brother knocking on his door and offering a false opportunity for even the smallest bit of normalcy- he had just been so angry.
Patton must have known he would never really accept the invitation (couldn't ever accept the invitation), and yet he had still offered. His brother just had to be nice and try to include his worthless, terrible brother in his movie night even though nobody wanted him there because he was too much of a good person to leave well enough alone. He had to extend the offer, even if he knew it would be rejected, because not offering would be mean, and Patton was too perfect to be mean.
But that just gave Janus yet another reminder that no one wanted him around. If anyone really did, then he wouldn't even need to be given offers to tag along to other people's social engagements because he would have enough of his own. As it was, if he wanted to spend time with a friend, he'd have to catch a bus and ride hours away to see Remus, who he still hadn't mustered up the will to text back after the other day, even though Remus hadn't even been involved in any of this.
Amidst his silent stewing, Janus could hear faint talking and laughter coming from downstairs, with one voice much louder than the others, though still not loud enough to make out what was being said.
Roman.
Remus's twin brother.
He knew Remus could relate to his feelings about Patton because Remus felt the same way about Roman. Roman was always the shining star, striding brilliantly across the stage, while Remus was the chaotic trash goblin that always got into trouble. Roman was popular, while Remus was not. Roman had always been the one to get all the attention, while Remus had only been able to get it once he started acting out. It was so similar to he and Patton's dynamic that Janus almost mused that they had been destined to be friends.
But that had been before.
Ironically, once Remus moved away to live with his father, he and Roman's relationship had actually improved. Away from their mother's constant, blatant favoritism, with a parent almost all to himself, Remus had finally been able to get some of the attention he craved so badly. Sure, he still acted out because, at this point, he found it fun, but his father was more laid back than his mother, so when Remus was actually punished (which wasn't as often as you would expect), the punishments were a lot more fair than they had been in Remus's childhood. And once Remus had the attention, he had been able to let go of some of his more bitter feelings toward Roman. It wouldn't be accurate to say they were especially close, but they did text sometimes, and they (probably) wouldn't kill each other the next time they were in the same room together.
As for Janus- attention wasn't what he wanted, not really. What he wanted was to be left alone and to not be compared. Patton's perfection wouldn't matter nearly so much to him if it wasn't constantly held above him like it was his goal to strive for, as if he would always be failing so long as he wasn't his brother.
He couldn't be Patton, not even come close- it just wasn't in him. He couldn't even manage pleasant, let alone lovable. Janus just didn't understand why no one seemed to be able to tell that trying to make him be more like his brother was a lost cause.
Patton always gets good grades. Janus fails his classes.
Patton is helpful and kind. Janus is rude and bitter.
Patton has tons of friends. Janus is alone.
Patton is smiles and rainbows. Janus is…
Janus is…
Terrible.
Horrible.
Ugly.
Cruel.
Stupid.
Imperfect-
Or actually, so far from perfect that it was hard to find anything other than a flaw.
Janus was flawed.
And so, he hated himself just as much as everyone else hated him.
At least that way, he was finally doing something right.
XXX