Authors note- What if Arizona took the cookies home and didn't share them? How would the cannabis affect her?
Warnings- drug taking, self harm, psychosis,
Arizona sighed as she opened her door, exhausted didn't even cover it. Being paged in the middle of the night, every night for the last week meant she was running on fumes. The only good thing to happen today was the lesbian gratitude cookies she had been gifted before she left. She'd thought about stopping for the presentations, sharing them amongst her friends but her swollen leg, and sheer exhaustion made the thought of going unbearable. Instead she had driven home, window open, music playing just to try and keep her awake.
Munching her first cookie, she was surprised to find how hungry she was, although on reflection maybe it wasn't that surprising, the last meal she had eaten was lunch, and that had been a doughnut. Callie would be angry, if she still cared. Arizona reflected eating a second cookie.
She missed her wife, she missed someone caring, bringing her lunch, cooking amazing homemade meals, she missed coming home to find her family waiting. She missed everything, sitting on the sofa to remove her leg, Arizona munched her third cookie, Callie was amazing, and so pretty and confident. There was nobody like Callie, nobody as amazing as Callie, Arizona still hated herself for how much she had messed things up, how stupid she had been, suffocating the best person on the planet.
The fourth cookie was already in her mouth, as she stood using her crutches, wondering why she felt dizzy, guessing it was lack of food the 5th cookie quickly followed as did the 6th. There was advantage of being alone, no disapproving looks at the amount of sugar she was consuming.
Despite the extra sugar, the dizziness seemed to get worse, her heart beating quicker in her chest. Sitting back on the sofa, Arizona frowned. What was going on? Why did she feel off quilter.
She stood again, using her crutches to make her way to the kitchen drinking a glass of water, her hands were shaking, so much she struggled to hold the glass, why were they shaking? Why couldn't she control her body?
A glass smashed,
Engine oil…. burning
Hands not belonging to her, a bone sticking out her leg, someone was screaming,
Screaming
Screaming,
A phone in her hands,
There wasn't a phone last time,
Where had the phone come from
She pressed a button, struggling to breath, any button, 1
Screaming,
Red hot pain from her leg,
There was blood everywhere,
Glass,
Engine oil,
"Hello, Arizona"
A voice, where was the voice? She was alone, she was always alone…
A trap, it had to be a trap,
They were coming for her,
Callie had left, so why was she there?
"No," Arizona cried, the woods circling her, "no"
"Arizona are you okay?"
The voice was back, but where, the woods were empty, Cristina had left, Mark had left, Derek had left, Meredith had left, Jerry had died, she was alone, with her leg, she was bleeding,
"Bleeding" Arizona muttered staring at the red liquid on her hand, she giggled, Blood followed her around, blood hurt, but when it stopped bleeding that's when it hurt worse.
"Where are you bleeding?" the voice asked, the voice sounded worried, which was a lie, it was all a lie, it had to be, nobody worried about her, nobody cared, she'd driven everyone she loved away. She picked up one of the pieces of glass, it was sharp, it was a lie. There hadn't been glass, just trees, leaves and bugs,
Easily she cut through the fabric of her jeans,
"Lies" she sang, finding her stump, this was the last truth, she dug the shard in, the pain barely registering proving what she knew,
"Pain" she muttered, in the woods, in the dark alone,
"Arizona," a voice echoed, around the room, around the woods.
"Woods" Arizona whispered, "its dark," the inky blackness surrounded her, she didn't know where the voice came from but it was a comfort, maybe an angel, maybe God, maybe this was it.
"No, you're not in the woods" the voice said, sounded worried, the voice was lying, Arizona giggled,
"Can you hear them?" she asked, trying to prove the voice wrong,
"Hear who?" the voice asked,
"the wolves, they are coming, they've eaten Lexie, and they are coming, you have to leave me, leave Mark" Arizona whispered, "they are going to eat us" she cried, she could see the teeth in the shadows, huge teeth bigger than the sky tower, sharp teeth covered in blood, the blood dripping, "the bugs, they've started," she said, stabbing the glass down on her leg getting a big one this time, more blood, she giggled, the blood was warm,
"Need to get there fast" the voice said, it sounded distracted. Arizona pouted, it was her voice, it needed to talk to her and her alone. She looked down, at her monstrous body, her disfigured leg, feeling the familiar shame and hatred, that she felt every time she looked at it.
"Ugly" she muttered stabbing it again, red was Callie's favorite color, and there was more red appearing, she smeared it over her leg, trying to make it prettier, "Stupid, ugly" she repeated stabbing down each time,
"No baby," the voice said, Arizona ignored it,
"No wonder she left, stupid ugly, cheating, horrible, slut" Arizona muttered with each word the glass came down, "not good enough, deserves the best, not the best, not anymore, had to make her leave, had to make her happy, couldn't be happy with me, useless me, can't even skate, can't hold daughter, stupid, ugly, me, stupid ugly leg"
"No" a voice said, "Arizona hun, where are you bleeding? Talk to me" the voice begged. Arizona paused, the voice was sounding upset, it was hurting her heart, she didn't like the voice upset,
"Messed up again" she cried, feeling blackness creep around her, why did she make the voice sad? Why did she always make the voice sad?
Suddenly the beat of African drums sounded, Arizona whimpered as figures danced around her chanting "You left her"
"no" Arizona muttered, knowing the truth, "I came back, I'm came back" she screamed, "she forgave me, I said sorry"
Suddenly the figures changed to cars,
"Nearly killed her" the car chanted.
"No" Arizona screamed dropping the glass covering her ears to stop hearing the chant, "Didn't mean to kill them" she muttered sobbing, "Didn't mean to was an accident, it was an accident, I saved Sofia, I tried"
The car then turned into Mark,
"Nothing" he said pointing, "nothing" he repeated as a million Marks spun around her head. She screamed,
"I'm not nothing," she shouted, at his mocking face, throwing glass, throwing anything she could find, trying to silence him. "Not nothing, Mark. I'm sorry" She cried again, feeling hopeless, empty, knowing the truth in the words, she was nothing,
"You're everything" a voice said, Arizona sobbed, maybe Mark was right, she felt like nothing, if she was something she wouldn't have cheated on Callie, wouldn't have driven her away, would have her daughter, wouldn't have lost her baby.
Mark morphed, into a blonde haired, blue eyed toddler,
"You killed me mom" he said, "you didn't want me enough"
"I wanted you" Arizona cried, "I wanted you baby, I tried, I'm sorry, there was no heartbeat. I tried" she screamed,
A thundering noise came from across the room, louder voices shouting her name, scared Arizona stood, trying to run, but her leg had vanished, someone had taken her leg, she was falling through flowers and suddenly, intense pain,
And the relief, darkness.
Eagerly Arizona embraced the dark. It was safer here.