Chapter One: Smoke Break

Oh, fuck.

I'd woken up to a single stream of sunlight filtering in through the crack in the curtains. It's shine hit me directly in the eye. I scrounged around my bed sheets looking for my phone. I had a terrible feeling that I had slept for too long again. My phone was tucked away under my silk pillowcase on the other side of the bed, the side that I never slept on. I knew that a queen bed was something that I was meant to have as an adult, but it felt pointless when I really never used one whole half of it. I always slept tucked into myself, away from everything else, unmoving. My phone read 1:17pm. Shit. I had needed the rest, but I always hated that feeling I got in my gut when I woke up in the afternoon, the sudden realisation that now half the day was gone.

Sometimes when this happened, usually at some point around twelve, Kurt would come banging on my door to try and wake me up. He'd usually try his hand at a speech about how sleeping for fourteen hours at once would certainly not help repair my already very broken circadian rhythm. He hadn't barged in with a speech today, though. Kurt had gone to see Tina's matinee show for what felt like the thousandth time this month, so I was able to hibernate in relative peace in the apartment. Not having to suffer through his intrusion was a relief, but sometimes I hated being here alone. Living with Kurt provided me with distractions I needed, and when he wasn't around and I couldn't shit talk to vent or exist alongside him, I began to think about things I'd rather not.

I had so much work to do. Some days I didn't know why I had thought it was a good idea to go back to college at twenty seven. From the minute I had applied to grad school, I had known that the only way I'd be able to pull it off financially was by working near full time hours between two jobs. It had been a stretch from day one, but it'd been six months now and I hadn't failed anything or gotten fired or fallen asleep standing up, so I suppose I was doing okay. Sundays were my reprieve from work but not from study. Despite it being the afternoon, my only craving was for breakfast, so I trudged downstairs to spend nearly twenty five dollars at the very good, but very overpriced cafe underneath the apartment complex. I had dreamed of a life like this when I was younger, one where I could move freely and decide things for myself. But ever since I'd arrived here, I'd forgotten to enjoy it.

By three o'clock I was in the shower, trying to scrub away the week to start again. I heard Kurt's keys turning in the front door and his voice barrelling down the hallway.

"SAAAAAAAAANTANA! I have news!"

I pretended not to hear so I could enjoy the shower for a bit longer. Ever since I was little, I treated the shower like a place where time and space and other people didn't exist. If I ever wanted to be siphoned off, the shower was the place. I loved Kurt, but sometimes living with him could be hard. Not because of anything he did, but just because of me. It could be vulnerable to be so near to him all the time. Sometimes I wondered what it was like for people who had roommates that they didn't know or like very much, but then I knew that I would hate that even more than I hated the vulnerability of living with Kurt. I stayed in the shower for ten minutes more than I needed to. All I wanted was the heat.

Eventually I shuffled down the hall. Kurt was sitting at the dining table, beaming at me inbetween sneaking glances down at his phone. I didn't say anything, just squinted and made a motion with my hands, as if to say "out with it."

"Sam and Quinn found a roommate." Kurt clapped his palms together, barely letting them make any sound. I didn't understand what he was trying to say.

"Fucking finally. Is that the news?"

I was confused. Sam and Quinn were friends from high school who had dated very briefly in junior year, but had remained friends ever since. They were yours and Kurt's heterosexual equals. Two friends who had somehow perfected the art of living under the same roof, platonically and without drama. Sometimes you didn't quite understand how it worked. There was a chemistry between them that you could never quite define, and you weren't sure if they could either. Sam and Quinn's third roommate had moved out three months ago, but they hadn't been able to find another one since. Maybe it was because they already had an established dynamic that was intimidating to walk into. Maybe it was because people assumed that they were lying about not being a couple.

"Well, yes, but also no. It's about who the roommate is." He was still grinning at me.

I playfully mocked him by mirroring his excitement. "Is it… Dorit Kemsley?!"

"Santana, this is not the time to joke about the Bravo universe. But that's funny." Kurt continued. "No, it's this girl that's friends with Helen, you know, Tina's friend the dancer. She teaches at the Philadelphia dance academy. I think she's from.. Indiana?." Kurt paused, trying to recall details about the new roommate.

"Helen?" I knew he wasn't talking about Helen.

"No, her name is Brittany." Kurt deadpanned.

"Why is everyone in this city from the midwest?" I probed him.

"We're from the midwest."

"Exactly."

He brushed you off. "Well, anyway, she came to Tina's show today and we got to talking. She's gorgeous, Santana, and she's new to the city and really wants to meet new people." He flitted his eyes back and forth to meet mine, trying to gauge what my reaction was to this revelation of a new peripheral character in our lives. I nodded slowly in response, now that I knew where this was going. Kurt had been trying to set me up for a long time. For some reason it grated him that I was single, even though he was also single. I had never been sure if it was projection, or just good old fashioned meddling, or both.

I flopped down on the couch, dropped my head back and started rubbing my eyes. "Kurt, I do not have time to date the Shining Twins' new roommate. I have three thousand words to write on contract law. Do you know how boring that is?" It was all true. I didn't have the time.

Kurt let out a big sigh. "Santana, that's exactly why I think it would be a good idea for you to start dating. You need some excitement in your life."

I sat on my hands and stared at him. "Maybe I do, but can you please let me decide that for myself?"

Kurt sat back, deflated. I felt bad about it, but also unwilling to give in to his insistence that I needed to date Quinn's new roommate, someone I had never met.

"I just think you'd really like her." Kurt looked like he wanted to say more but thought better of it. I didn't have any retort against meting new people.

"Alright, look. Let's get everyone together and go for drinks with new girl. It'd get me out of the house. But I do mean it, Kurt, I really don't have time." This was the closest I would get to an admission that maybe he was right.

He smiled. "I already organised something for Thursday night."

I rolled my eyes.

On Wednesday I'd organised to meet up with Quinn on my lunch break. It had seemed like a good idea when I'd made the plan in the morning, but now that it was midday I felt like my head was about to explode from the multitude of client emails I'd replied to. A few months ago, I'd gotten a job as a paralegal in a small office where everyone who worked there was was, at a minimum, ten years older than me. The pay was decent, but the miscellaneous admin was endless, and exhausting in a very different way to bartending.

Quinn walked into the cafe, biting her bottom lip and looking at the ground. She smiled at me, one of those small Quinn smiles that fails to convince.

"Hey!" She forced out some excitement, but her voice sounded breathy, and weaker than usual.

"Fabray. Latte? Panini? Or whatever the hell this is." I pointed to the food on the table. I had not called Quinn by her first name in over ten years. It felt unnatural, like it was a little too intimate and too removed all at the same time.

"Oh, thanks." Quinn shuffled her bag on the floor and sat down opposite me. She did this a lot. Look visibly preoccupied, but not tell me why, and pretend like nothing was wrong. Quinn and I trusted one another, but not implicitly, and not with the big things. I loved her in a way that never changed, but I never knew if that was enough.

"So..." Quinn perked up, smiling. "We found a roommate!"

I rolled my eyes. "Oh, trust me, I already heard from the lady of the house."

"How does Kurt always find this stuff out?" Quinn said, genuinely confused.

"He met her at Tina's thing. Thinks we should date." I said with my mouth full of bread.

"Oh geez, please don't tell me that. It took three months for us to find someone, if you end up screwing it up…" Quinn's words stung a little. By the look in her eyes, she recognised the implication of what she'd said.

"Damn, tell me how you really feel." I replied, flat.

"Sorry." She reached out to brush my arm in apology. "It's just that the whole search has been so stressful. She's been in the house for two days and we're both treading so lightly around her."

Quinn and I were similar in that we both had a particular unease around other women upon first meeting. It was part of the reason we'd been friends for so long. We both knew what to expect.

"I'm sure you won't. Kurt said she's a dance teacher?"

"Yeah, she's a really good dancer, too. She's mainly been in off Broadway but she's done a couple of international tours too. But she's in Philly teaching because she's retiring from performing. I think maybe she wants to settle down here."

"With you and Sam? Huh, that'd really be something. Two gals and a trouty mouth." I quipped.

"Shut up, Santana." Quinn rolled her eyes and laughed. "No, like she's spent so long travelling around and she wants to put down roots."

"Huh. Can't relate." I muttered quickly.

"Well, that's a lie." Quinn replied. I didn't say anything. It wasn't worth the retort. Instead I bit into my sandwich.

Quinn continued. "Anyway, I wanted to talk to you. I kind of need your help with something." I immediately felt myself tensing. I'd had some tumultuous years with Quinn, but she'd never said those words to me before. Not outright, at least. Hidden within other sentences and worked around as though she meant something other than that, but never directly.

"Go on…" I felt bad for not not treading lighter, but the anticipation was too much.

Quinn took a big breath out. "I was wondering if you would come to dinner with me and my parents next weekend." She said it straight and to the point.

"Am I… asking them for your hand in marriage?" I asked. I had met Quinn's parents plenty of times, but never had dinner with them. They were uptight and preppy and didn't really like me, and most of the time Quinn let them fade into the background of her life.

"Santana, please don't joke for a second." Quinn rubbed her temple and looked down. "I need to tell them that I'm not working in finance anymore. And I just want you to be there."

You laughed. Loud. "Fabray, you know I love ya, but I.. do not want to do that."

"I know it is, but it's been two years and I've got to tell them somehow. I don't need you to do anything, I just need you to be there. This is the only idea I could come up with where they wouldn't kill me in broad daylight." Quinn explained, only half joking. "When they find out that they paid for their youngest daughter to go to Yale only for her to give up her earning potential to work in a kindergarten, they're going to lose their minds." She was still massaging her forehead, looking away from me.

For years, Quinn had felt like she owed her parents a kind of success that she didn't really want. The thought of sitting at dinner watching Quinn try to navigate her relationship with her parents was the last thing I wanted to do, but I still knew I had to do it anyway. My oldest friend needed someone to bear witness to her parents' unhinged reaction to her perceived fall from grace.

I relented. "Yeah, yeah, alright. Put me in the ring with Charles and Gwenyth for your career coming out." I balled your fists up and pretended to box the air.

Quinn looked like she might cry. I bypassed the display of emotion completely.

"Just let me know when it'll be. Speaking of, this thing tomorrow night with your new roommate. Can you please tell Hummel the whole thing about not wanting to scare her off? I really don't want to deal with his meddling."

"Yeah, sure. I'll tell him to back off. I don't even know if Brittany's into girls though. She talked about an ex, but.."

I cut her off. "Well, you know Kurt just assumes everyone's gay."

"Well, maybe they are."

I got home from work at five thirty on Thursday and rushed into the shower to get ready. Thursdays were a one job day, no bar shifts and no school. This meant that Thursdays came with them the obligation to be social because it was the one night I actually could. It'd be a group of us going out tonight, all of which were my friends, except for Brittany. I didn't drink much anymore, not after college, and only around the right people, but maybe tonight I would have a few.

Kurt barged into the bathroom.

"GET OUTTTTT." I whined at him, dragging out every syllable.

"Santana, you are behind a shower curtain. Please relax. I'll be two seconds." Kurt shuffled in and out of the bathroom while I finished up in the shower. Neither of us had grown up with siblings, but I imagined maybe this is what it was like. A presence you couldn't get rid of.

Thirty minutes later, I walked out of your bedroom wearing some faded black jeans, a t-shirt I'd bought at a music festival years ago, and shoes with a very short heel. From the look Kurt gave me as I walked down the hall, I couldn't tell if he approved or not. He just puckered his lips and nodded.

"Sir, please reserve all fashion critique for a later time. I really don't care." I blurted out.

"I didn't say anything!" Kurt threw his hands up in the air. If I was going to say anything, it would be that you look like a young, femme Joan Jett if she was Hispanic and had hair extensions."

"I'll spare you my wrath tonight." I replied. "Let's go."

I swiped my keys off the dining table and bounded down the stairs of the apartment complex, Kurt trailing me and protesting his right to roast.

I got to the bar and Quinn and Sam were sitting in a huge booth opposite Tina, Sam and Mercedes. Sam was gesticulating with his hands, telling a story that looked to be highly entertaining to everyone. Kurt and I took spots on opposite ends of the booth. Sam was still laughing.

"Hey guys. Sorry, I was just telling everyone about this new kid at work who nearly got blown away by a hose today." Sam was a firefighter for the city, and his job brought with it a novelty that all our friends were always entertained by.

"We've all been there." Kurt stared into space wistfully.

I pointed at him. "Wanky."

Mike decided to interject into the conversation wrought with innuendo. "And how was your day, guys?"

"Oh, you know. Studied, worked, studied, worked." I replied flatly.

"That's all this one ever does." Kurt rolled his eyes. "I mean, same. Except the study part." Kurt was a senior executive assistant to the CEO at a publishing house.

Quinn looked down at her phone. "Brittany just texted. She'll be here in a sec."

"I still can't believe it took you three months to find a roommate. Did y'all get hexed or something?" Mercedes joked.

"Honestly, it wouldn't surprise me." Quinn replied. "I don't know why it's been so hard to find someone half normal."

"Maybe it's because you guys look kind of.. flowers in the attic." Tina joked. Everyone laughed except for Quinn, who was only trying not to.

"Hey, I kind of think that's a part of their charm." I heard a voice from behind me. My first impression was just that she was tall, and very pretty. Brittany sat next to Kurt and greeted everyone. What continued was an introduction to all our friends and a guide to who knew who from where and what.

"Quinn and I went to high school with Kurt and Santana." Sam continued. "Everyone else is from everywhere. Quinn knows Tina from college, I know Mike from when I did modelling, Quinn met Mercedes years ago when she first moved to Philly. And then Mercedes and I.." He got cut off.

"We became friends too." Mercedes interjected.

"Well yeah, anyway, we all kind of ended up hanging out, and now we're all friends." Quinn explained.

Brittany smiled. "You're like a rag tag bunch."

"Yeah, I guess you could say that." Quinn smiled.

Kurt took the floor. "So, Brittany, you and I have already gotten well acquainted. I'll get us a round while everyone introduces themselves." He winked at me. I furrowed my brow at him and nearly scowled.

"Well, I just moved here from… well, from everywhere. I was living between New York and L.A for a while, and doing lots of touring between that. I just moved to Philly for a new dance teaching jobs. My parents are from Pennsylvania, but I grew up in Indiana." Brittany's eyes flickered around the room at everybody. She wasn't shy, but I could tell she was treading carefully.

"A midwest girl after my own heart!" Tina said. "We're pretty much all from the midwest. The furthest East any of us are from is Mike."

"Pittsburgh" Mike explained. "I'm the only born and bred Pennsylvanian of the group. Hey Brittany, where did you train for dance?" He asked.

Kurt sat back down and handed Brittany and I our drinks. "Mike's the dancer I was telling you about. He trained at Joffrey." Kurt interjected.

"Oh my gosh!" Brittany exclaimed. "One of my best friends went to Joffrey. I didn't finish college." Brittany said shyly. "But I went to Point Park for a little while. I left after sophomore year, because I got a long gig on tour." The last sentence petered out.

"Girl, who with?" Mercedes was a singer and she'd had some local success.

"Uh, Beyonce." Brittany took a sip of her drink.

"WHAT?!" Three or four of you blurted out at once. Brittany just laughed. "Yeah. It was cool." Brittany explained.

"I can't believe we're in the presence of a celebrity." Tina smiled.

"Kurt, you're officially the second most successful person in the group." You joked. Kurt smirked but didn't say anything.

"I doubt that" Brittany said. "Anyway, tell me about you guys! I need to know about all the people in the orbit of Sam and Quinn."

The introductions went on for a while. Tina did most of the talking. She was good at that, giving all the backstory and the lore. She got to me at the end.

"Santana is from Lima like these guys" Tina pointed to Sam, Quinn and Kurt. She went to NYU with Kurt. They both did performing arts in college."

"Are you a singer?" Brittany asked me.

I felt nervous, because there was no real answer to that question. "Yeah, kinda. I haven't performed in a while though. I worked in A and R in New York for a while, but it put me off the music industry." Brittany and Mercedes both nodded as I said it.

"Santana's in law school now, though." Tina was bragging. "It's kinda crazy she's even here tonight, because she works so much."

"A rare Santana appearance, indeed." Kurt quipped. I shot him a look. This had become a running joke between everyone, that I was a workaholic and had no fun anymore. It was starting to get old. Quinn had worked crazy hours before she left finance. Kurt still worked crazy hours, but because he got corporate perks, no one ever gave him crap for it.

"Our little workhorse." Quinn joined in. I was over it now.

"Anyway, I need a smoke. Quinn?" I asked.

"I told you, I quit." Quinn replied.

"You're always quitting." I genuinely could never keep track of Quinn's vices. "I'll be back."

I took my cigarette to the smoker's section in the courtyard and sat down for a few minutes. I had cut down on smoking over the years, but had never been able to fully kick the habit. The edge of the courtyard looked out onto the bar, and within a few minutes I could see Brittany standing there waiting for a drink. She spotted me and gave a small wave. I smiled back and took another drag. Brittany got her drink and started to walk over to the courtyard. I was a little confused, figuring she wouldn't be a smoker. It was more of a rarity nowadays, but I could usually pick it when someone was.

Brittany sat down next to me and crossed her arms. "Hey" she offered with a smile. I held out my lighter toward her in anticipation but she shook her head. "Oh, no. I just needed to get away for a second. I hope you don't mind?" She put her chin down and turned into herself.

"No, you're all good. You're not enjoying yourself?" I asked and it sound a lot more accusatory than you meant it to be. Kurt and Quinn and Tina had pissed me off and the edge was still there.

Brittany's face flashed with panic. "No, I am. I'm just tired. It's been a very long week, with moving and everything." She offered.

I felt like an idiot. "Oh, for sure. Last time I moved, I skipped class for a week. It's exhausting."

Brittany uncrossed her arms. "Yeah. How are you going out here?"

It was an odd question to ask someone that you'd only known for forty minutes. Brittany focused her eyes on mine and looked for an answer to the question like she actually cared.

"Oh, I'm good." I paused. "Actually, I'm kind of exhausted too. But it's really nice to meet the girl that Sam and Quinn haven't managed to scare off." You and Brittany both laughed a little.

"They talk about you at home all the time, you know." Brittany said. "I kinda feel like I know you because of it." There was a pause. "I hope that's not weird."

It was weird, but not in the way Brittany worried it was. I knew that Sam and Quinn loved me, but it was difficult to picture myself as the centre of their worlds, a character in their lives that they talked about at home.

"Really?" I asked. The sound that my throat made at the question felt a touch too vulnerable.

"Yeah, for sure. They talk about how hard you work. I think Quinn misses you a bit."

I scrunched up my face. "I see that girl once a week." It sounded like a rebuttal, like because I did my due diligence in my friendship with Quinn, it meant that there was no conceivable way she could miss me.

"I don't know" Brittany countered. "Sometimes you just miss people, even if they're there all the time." A pause. "Sorry, I didn't mean to blow up Quinn's spot. But yeah, I was looking forward to meeting you because of how much they both talk about you." Brittany confessed.

There was silence as you took another drag and blew the smoke out the side of your mouth as she watched. She was very disarming. I tried to imagine yourself in a conversation with a relative stranger, offering up the kind of observances Brittany made. I couldn't.

"Well, hopefully it's mainly good things." I said, putting out my cigarette and standing up. "Shall we make our return?"

"I guess now's as good a time as ever." Brittany replied.

When we got back to the booth together, Kurt was looking at me like he was the cat that got the cream. I ignored him. Quinn's eyes were flickering between me and Brittany like she didn't know where to look.

Sam just smiled.