After what seemed like their thousandth rinse and repeat, Severus was finally able to control himself and let Hermione shower completely. He had the best sleep in years that Christmas Eve. His dreams were clear and vivid, prophesizing what their relationship was to bring. He saw more nights (and days) of intimacy, traveling, brewing, love, and a family. The startling image of him holding a child shook him from his sleep Christmas morning. It unnerved him in a way that scared him. He wanted a family with Hermione. The greasy git from the dungeons wanted a child of his own. He turned to the woman sleeping beautifully next to him and kissed her forehead.
When she didn't stir, he got out of bed and walked to the library. A dozen presents were lying neatly under Hermione's decorated tree. He placed his small package carefully on top of the pile and went to the kitchen to start breakfast.
Severus had barely put the eggs on the skillet when he heard Hermione coming down the stairs. He looked up at her bed hair and smiled. Her face was radiant. Whether it was from actual Christmas Day or the night before he couldn't be sure, but he knew the radiance suited her well.
"Happy Christmas, Severus!" She bound down the rest of the stairs and threw her arms around his waist.
"Happy Christmas, my love." He put the spatula down and returned the gesture. "You look well rested," he teased.
She blushed. "Well I had a very good night's sleep, thank you very much." She poked her head over his shoulder and took a whiff. "Wow. That smells amazing. I don't think I'll be able to get over your culinary skills, Severus."
He continued to cook with a smile on his face. Hermione made them coffee and set the mugs on the kitchen table. Severus arrived with the food and set her plate down.
"Tuck in, love. We have a busy day ahead of us."
"Busy? It's Christmas, Severus. What could we possibly have to do?" Hermione began to eat.
"You will see," he pointed his fork at Hermione and ate.
Once breakfast was finished, Severus asked Hermione to join him in front of the fireplace.
"I do not want to say anything that will ruin today, so I am going to be as straightforward as possible," Severus took Hermione's hand and placed it in his lap. "I have a friend who is very good at finding people. Especially people who do not wish to be found. While your parents do not fall into that category, the level of easiness in finding them because of their memory alterations puts them in a similar category. I know you do not want me to promise you anything, but I have a very good feeling he will be able to help. I want you to know this."
Without missing a beat, Hermione questioned, "The potion. We're trying to make something to help my parents when- if we find them, aren't we?"
Severus nodded. Hermione blew out a long sigh.
"Well, what did you think I was going to say? 'No, Severus do not help me find my parents'?" she laughed.
"I just did not want to upset you if I had to ask questions, or if your presence was required when I meet with my friend. Now that I know you are okay with this, there is nothing left to worry about." Severus kissed her hand gently.
"It's not that I was worried, I just- I," Hermione stopped talking and began fidgeting with Severus' hand.
Severus didn't interrupt or prompt her to continue, he stared at her calmly until she was ready.
After a brief moment, she continued. "I didn't want to get my hopes up," she dropped her head. "I know what loss is like, and I know what loss feels like after you've been hoping and wishing for the outcome to be different. I've never truly told anyone what the Golden Trio," she rolled her eyes, "went through. The only ones who knew were either involved, or were there."
Severus noticed as she continued to speak, her eyes began to take on a new type of ferocity. Anger? Sadness? Despair? He couldn't quite make it out but it was a look he never saw before.
"Loss to some of those kids was cancelled Hogsmeade trips, or no end of term exams," Severus chuckled internally at this. Only Hermione would constitute no end of term exams as a loss. "They don't know what it was like waking up every day wondering if you were going to be alive at the end of the day. They- they don't know what it was like to be—," she stopped suddenly.
The look Severus once saw was gone, and a new look took its place. It was something harder. This time he prompted her.
"What what was like?"
Hermione spoke plainly, her eyes filled with hate, "To be tortured."
For a split second, Severus felt something he hadn't in years: fear. Nothing frightened him anymore, how could it? But seeing such hatred in her dead stare truly frightened him. It was not something he had seen in her perfect brown eyes before, and it wasn't something he would want to ever see again. His brief moment of fear turned quickly into confusion.
"What?" he whispered silently.
Severus watched as Hermione lifted up her sleeve: mudblood. His teeth clenched. Slowly, she brushed her hair away from the side of her neck to reveal another scar. He closed his eyes. A knife, he thought. Rage filtered through him, and he was transported to another life, that other life. The one he never wanted to return to. He stood up quickly, knocking her hands from his touch and stared into the beautifully decorated tree. Calm, Severus, remain calm. He remembered what it would take to bring his rage down from the Dark Lord days. Working for the Dark Lord meant your rage could only last but a minute before it was questioned and taken for weakness. Any type of emotions were seen as weakness because they meant you were vulnerable. Most of the other Death Eaters knew Severus' anger could be extreme, and mixed with his impeccable wand skills, they knew to leave him alone. Hermione did not.
She got up from her place and moved towards him. Severus could feel her moved position and instinctively spun and grabbed her arms harder than he intended. Hermione froze, she hadn't seen Severus like this in a long while. He saw the fear in her eyes and softened his grip. Through gritted teeth he spoke softly in his infamous snarl.
"You will never be hurt again. Do you understand that?" He took her arm and kissed each of the letters tenderly. When he was done, he pulled her close and kissed the scar on the side of her neck. She let out a sharp gasp and closed her eyes.
"Does it still hurt?" he asked, "I do not wish to harm you anymore."
Hermione took his hand and placed it on her neck, "Not when you touch it. But the memories are still fresh. It's hard to forget- sometimes it feels as if I will never be able to forget."
Severus saw the hate vanish instantly from her eyes as they began to fill with tears. He pulled her into his arms and let her cry, saying nothing, asking nothing- he let her cry. When she was done, she pulled away looking embarrassed.
"I'm sorry, Severus. You must think so little of me for crying over something so small. A few scars are hardly comparable to those who lost their lives." She moved away and stared blankly in the fire. Instead of reaching out for her, Severus went to the plush couch adjacent to the fireplace and sat quietly. If there was one thing he learned in his years on this planet it was never argue with a woman when she is emotional.
After a moment, Hermione turned and sat at Severus' feet, resting her head against his leg.
"All my life I was tortured." He spoke quietly, but forcefully. Hermione's head picked up and she turned to stare at him. Before she could open her mouth, he continued.
"By my father, children at school, even my own friends at one point," Hermione turned back around and let her head fall back against his leg. "It was mostly emotional, but there were times it was physical, as well. I have heard people say emotional is the worst, but I disagree. When my father would hurt me he made it very clear crying was the window to more pain. I had to learn to fight those emotions- to fight sadness."
He placed his hand under her chin and turned her face towards his. Hermione stared into his eyes.
"The fact you are able to cry makes you stronger, not weaker, because even though you have been broken you did not lose the ability to feel." Hermione shifted positions so she could face him, and placed her hand over his.
"I have not been able to feel much of anything for a very long time. Frankly, the lack of feelings is what strengthened my desire to die. Why would I want to live in a world where I could truly never belong?" Severus grabbed ahold of Hermione's other hand and stood up, pulling her up as well. He put his hands gently on either side of her face.
"But you, throughout everything you did not lose the ability to feel things. It takes incredible strength to retain any feelings after what you have endured." He dropped his hands and walked towards the fireplace.
"What is it, Severus?' Hermione asked quietly.
"I- I only hope you will be able to stay with me knowing I am a cold man."
Hermione crossed to where he was standing, and used her hand to guide his face towards hers.
"Severus, if I am strong then you are stronger. Everything you have done, everything you have sacrificed I don't think for one second was done without feelings. If you are cold, let me be the fire that warms you. Let me show you it can be wonderful to feel- especially when you have someone to share those feelings with." She smiled softly at him and placed her hand against his cheek.
Severus pulled her into an embrace and held her tightly. "For you, I will try to be a better man."
After a few moments, Hermione pulled away and wiped some straggler tears from her eyes. She chuckled, "The way this morning has been you'd never know it was supposed to be Christmas."
Severus glanced at the clock on the wall and sighed. "We must get going. Can you dress in ten minutes time?"
Hermione nodded and said nothing. Severus kissed her forehead and motioned for her to dress. He watched her climb the stairs and turned back towards the fire. Please gods, do not let this be a mistake.
Hermione closed the bedroom door and closed her eyes. That was the first time she had spoken about her torture to someone who didn't know it had happened. It was painful to relive, even to someone as understanding as Severus. Get a grip, Hermione. Don't let the past ruin your present. If there was anything Hermione had learned it was life is short and you truly don't know what will happen. She wasn't about to let the horrors of her past prevent her from having the future she so desperately wanted. She dressed quickly, vying for dark jeans and a festive emerald green sweater embellished with gold beading.
When she returned downstairs, Severus was already waiting with his coat on.
"Are you ready?" he asked. Hermione couldn't make out the expression he wore on his face, and that frightened her.
She carefully slipped into her coat, keeping her eyes on his face. He must have sensed her concern because he offered her one of his signature smirks, and she relaxed just a bit.
She chuckled, trying to lighten the mood, "should I even bother ask where we're going?"
All Severus had to do was raise a single eyebrow and Hermione knew her answer. When she finished zipping up her coat, he took her hand and led her outside to the car.
It was a quiet drive along the countryside. Hermione didn't know what to say and Severus was already not a man of many words, so she kept her face positioned to gaze out the passenger window. She saw Christmas as it was meant to be celebrated for the first time in many years. Children were outside playing in the snow, probably waiting for their parents to clean up after breakfast so they could open gifts. Dads were shoveling the walk, while mums brought out mugs of fresh hot coco. Hermione sighed. Was it weird that was the kind of life she wanted for herself? She would never give up her love for the academics, but wasn't there more to life than books and tests? She rolled her eyes, now you're starting to sound like Ron, she thought to herself. Her thoughts had distracted her from the present drive, and with bringing herself back to the present, she found the car had already been stopped outside an elegant two story home.
Hermione turned to look at Severus, who had clearly been watching her think.
"You know," she started, "sometimes I think I should just let you use Legilimency on me at your convenience. It might be helpful."
Severus frowned at her. "I rather enjoy figuring you out like a normal human being, but if that was oral consent, consider it duly noted." He smirked at her, and turned off the car.
No sooner had Hermione unbuckled her seatbelt, Severus was already at her door opening it for her. Sometimes she forgot just how powerful he was, and it made her feel a mixture of emotions. Safety, adoration, desire, fear. Never a bad fear, but just enough to keep her on her toes. He led her out of the car and up the walk to the massive mahogany front door. Reaching into his jacket, he pulled out his wand and placed the tip against the doorbell. Hermione could feel wards released and the front door swung open. On the other side was a man in his late 50's resting comfortably in a wheelchair.
"Ah, Severus, I've been expecting you."
Hermione followed Severus into the house and watched the door close automatically behind them. The man wheeled himself into the ornately decorated parlor where an enormous tree was decorated with thousands of tiny red stars.
"Please, sit." The man motioned to the loveseat in front of him. "Caroline will be in shortly with some tea."
Hermione sat next to Severus, her own personal guards up despite the fact the dark figure next to her seemed at ease. It was one of the downsides to the war. She didn't trust easily, especially people of whom she didn't even know a first name.
"Ms. Granger. I see you are guarded. Please, relax as it will be most helpful to me." The man smiled warmly at Hermione.
While Hermione began to take off her coat, a tall, dark skinned woman entered holding a tray of tea. Hermione's eyes were instantly drawn to the woman's face and the black patch which covered her left eye. The woman smiled and poured tea for all three of them. After handing the last cup to the man, she kissed his head and exited the room.
"That's Caroline, my wife. She's the very best part of me," the man eye's shifted fondly between Severus and Hermione. Whether or not he had been made privy to the relationship, he clearly knew. He cleared his throat and began to talk.
"I implored Severus to speak as little about this meeting as possible. It makes my job all the more difficult if people have time to prepare."
Hermione furrowed her brow, obviously confused, and the man lifted his hand gently.
"I am William Tagher- you can call me Bill if you'd like. I've known Severus for as long as I can remember. I find people. More specifically, I find people who do not wish to be found, or have become so lost they do not know they need to be found."
Upon hearing this, Hermione closed her eyes. He's looking for my parents. She took a big gulp of her tea, and instantly spit it back into the cup. Bill laughed and turned to Severus, "well, it seems you were right! She really is the brightest witch!"
Confused and a bit frightened, Hermione looked wildly between Bill and Severus. Severus merely rolled his eyes.
"Severus told me you'd be able to detect my potion in the tea, but I really wanted to find out for myself! I'm amazed!" He laughed heartily. "I do apologize, but I assure it is nothing toxic. It's to help with the process, so I do need you to finish that." He gestured to the cup. Hermione glared at Severus, but drank deeply.
"Well, you're here to find your parents. Actually, you're here so I can find your parents, but you play an essential role in that, my dear. I've been finding people for as long as I can remember, and I never fail. It may have cost me my legs and my wife her eye, but we never failed. I will not fail this time either, I can assure you. It will take time. It will take patience. Some people took over ten years to find," he saw Hermione's eyes widen, "but I do not think that will be the case here as we are looking for Muggles. Those who took the longest were skilled wizards and witches, and were able to alter the minds of hundreds of people just to stay hidden. Now, to the part you play."
Bill wheeled himself over to the tree. "These are lost souls," he motioned to the stars, "and they are waiting to be found. Some of them know they are lost and some do not. I have a feeling your parents fit in the latter category. The mind is a funny thing. We forget things from mere hours ago, but can remember very vividly a childhood memory. Sometimes flashes of the past can alter the mind, even in those whose minds' have been magically altered."
Hermione was listening intently, studying every word and sentence Bill spoke. She did not notice how carefully Severus was watching her.
"These stars," Bill continued, "are connected to the minds of those whom the lost soul seeks. The tea you drank contained a-," Hermione cut him off.
"Selective memory potion, sir." She blushed. Bill looked stunned and Severus, already proud, was both shocked and aroused. Her intelligence continued to stimulate every part of his being.
"Wel- well. I mean yes, yes of course!" Bill stuttered, "Severus I do believe you misled me a tad. You mentioned brilliance, not genius." Hermione blushed further. "Come here, dear." Bill motioned for her to come towards the tree.
Hesitantly, Hermione picked herself up from the love seat and walked slowly to the tree.
"Now," Bill started, "be very careful to do only as I say. Think of your parents' names. First names, surnames, middle names, maiden names- think of them all. When you are done, give me your left hand."
Hermione's thoughts swirled and she carefully thought of all names associated with her parents. After a brief moment, she gave Bill her hand, and he closed his eyes.
He opened them, "I want you to think of bad memories from your childhood. Be specific. Not spilling milk, things only your parents would remember."
Hermione's thoughts raced again. She vividly remembered being in her parent's office, running, even though they had told her to stop. She knocked down a tray of local anesthetic injections, all of which had to be tossed in the bin. Her parents were so mad. Hermione Jean Granger, they shouted, and she always knew when the middle name was involved that she was in trouble.
She thought again of yelling at her mum when she accidentally left the front door opened, allowing Crookshanks to escape. He hadn't come back for four days. Hermione didn't speak to her mum the entire time, despite her mother's best efforts.
Severus watched as tears fell slowly down her cheeks. He knew better than to interfere with the process, but his heart began to break. He was relieved when she placed her hand in Bill's.
"Lastly, think of something you shared with either of your parents that no one else knows." Bill watched as Hermione closed her eyes for the last time.
Her mind instantly went to one day. She was eighteen and it was the night of her birthday. She was sitting at the kitchen table with mum eating more of her cake. Dad had retired for the evening.
"You know Hermione, Mrs. Cartway has a lovely young, son. He's studying medicine now and he's very smart," Mrs. Granger spoke through a mouthful of cake.
"Mum, you know very well I have no interest in boys right now. All they want to do is fool around and believe a woman's position belongs in the kitchen only." Hermione rolled her eyes.
"Oh child, you mustn't think like that. Don't you want to find someone to love and take care of you? I know things work differently in the magic world, but love is universal, isn't it?" Her mother was frowning.
"I don't want to find someone because I have to, I want to find someone because I want to. I just don't think I could possibly bear the thought of spending forever with someone who I would have to be different around." Hermione looked down, "I don't think guys want someone smart like me."
Mrs. Granger reached for her daughter's hand, "You might do well with someone older, then. Love has no age limit." Her mother smiled at her.
The memory faded and Hermione opened her eyes. She placed her hand in Bill's a final time. He closed his eyes and smiled. While not positive, Hermione had a strange feeling he was reading her memories. She made a mental reminder to herself to inquire this of Severus.
"Very good, dear. These will help tremendously. Now, take the ornament off the tree."
Hermione noticed he said the instead of an, but instinctively, her hand reached for a red star located just below her right knee. She handed it to Bill.
"Thank you," he took the ornament and placed it in his shirt pocket. "Well, that is all for now," he turned to Severus, "I will be in touch. Please see yourselves out." With a curt nod, Bill wheeled himself out of the parlor and out of sight.
As if reading her mind, Severus answered her thought. "He needs to extract the memories as soon as possible so they aren't altered in any way."
Hermione nodded. She reached for her coat and let Severus help her put it on. Once they were dressed for the elements, he led her back to the car. The drive back Severus' house was just as uneventful as the drive to Bill's. Hermione didn't quite know what to say. No one had ever done something this kind for her before. She thought about Severus' gift waiting back at the house and wished it was enough.