Shouto Todoroki

Lightly scratching at the scars covering his flesh like blade-shaped mosquito bites while Bakugou's pupils scanned the poem from left to right, Todoroki swallowed thickly. The apprehension buzzing across his skin was a layer of grease that refused to dissipate.

I've already made it this far, so why give up now? cerebrated Todoroki. Even after it all, I'm still here. I've tried to die more times than I'd like to admit, but there's surely a reason why I've survived this long. Right? I've seen such amazing things in my life, despite it all, but I think some of the best things are intangible and priceless. He forced himself to cease his habitual scratching. I don't know. In this same life where I've experienced those priceless things, I always have to kill myself just to 'earn' them. It feels like ninety-nine percent of life is just trying, struggling, and failing, and one percent of life is being rewarded for the hell of everything else. And even that scant one percent means nothing when it just stabs you in the back, you can't even care about it, or it's so negligible that you might as well not have put so much effort into trying for essentially no payoff.

"I'd love to know how the hell your brain even comes up with poems like this," Bakugou said while softly chuckling to himself. "And it's way different from your others, but still you." He expelled a diminutive sigh. "Shouto, you've come so damn far… Might not seem like it at all, but getting you to this point is something I had a hard time being able to grasp. I knew you could do it, but the fact that you're now where you are is… I'm happy. I'm so damn happy. You make me so damn happy, Shouto."

That can't be true. It can't be. But…

Todoroki was unable to gaze into Bakugou's gentle, majestic eyes of an unwavering vermillion. "I make you…happy?" His voice was silky and soft like a feather.

Bakugou set the poem on the floor and brought his boyfriend into an embrace. "No shit."

Extraordinarily faint was the smile that Todoroki unknowingly wore. "That's something I can't even fathom… I still can't bring myself to believe it, no matter how true it might be." His smile wilted like a flower in the heat. "Katsuki? Is it really okay…for me to be happy? A part of me still abhors the idea. I don't deserve it, and all of it will go to waste; I'll be sad soon after."

A faint sigh fluttered from Bakugou's lips. "No matter what you think or how you feel, you're still human, and therefore, you deserve the right to be happy. Maybe we have different thoughts, but guess what? We're basically the same, past the thoughts. We're different in that we're obviously who we are, but we're the same in that we're just human. No matter how you tear us apart, that's all we'll ever be. Beneath your facade…you're no different from me in that we're both only human." He slowly nodded. "Your question makes me sad, but I'm glad you asked, because I want you to keep my words in mind, Shouto."

I guess I don't really have a rebuttal, but on the same token, some humans are more equal than others. For better or worse, that's how it is.

"Thanks, Katsuki…" Todoroki murmured. "I'll give this another chance. I just wonder if I'll ever be able to genuinely say 'I don't want to die.' Even though the urge to die isn't always intense, and it's sometimes just at the back of my head, I still always find it in my best interest to die rather than anything else. I… I'm… Ah. Just… I don't know. I want to live, but that doesn't mean I don't still want to die. I want to die, but that doesn't mean I don't still want to live."

I guess I never would've come to realize any of this if I'd died like how I always wanted, Todoroki realized. It made me feel relieved to think about dying, and that's all I really wanted. But now…

"There you go," chuckled Bakugou as he deftly caressed Todoroki's hair. "There's that second chance. I know you don't wanna be alive, but trust me, it's so fucking worth it to be happy again. Even if you get real sad sometimes, feeling emotion is what gives life real meaning. Where there's a pit, there's a mountain staring back at you—the pit created it. Dig yer nails in and climb… You've already fought so fucking hard to get here. You deserve to reach the top, Shouto. Hear me? You deserve it. When you get there, smile for me, 'kay?" He rested his forehead against Todoroki's before slowly withdrawing.

"I… I will. I don't want to drag you back into the pit with me. I don't want you to tumble all the way down just to take my hand and help me. I don't want my misery to bring other people down."

I don't deserve help like that anymore, Todoroki chastised himself. No one should have to burden themselves with helping someone that fucks up everything they do. Why do I get to choose misery over happiness and then drag other people down with me because of my choices? I shouldn't get to run from my mistakes like I have been for so long. I did this all to myself, so it's my responsibility to cut them down.

"That's the attitude I've been waitin' to hear. Took you long enough to stop rejecting my hand, you damn extra." A tender smirk creased the corners of Bakugou's lips. "You'll be okay, Shouto. Said this before, but I'll say it again: give yourself another chance. You're always too hard on yourself. You don't have to beat yourself up for every mistake. But I wanna discuss some healthy alternatives to cutting and drugs with you. What're some things that help calm you down?"

Give myself another chance…to not fuck up everything I should be content with. To truly appreciate the things I have. To love the people who mean the most to me in the ways they deserve. I really have been so fucking selfish this whole time, even though I was trying so hard not to be selfish…

"You're even harder on yourself. I guess we can try and work on that together. "Todoroki exhaled slowly and espied his poem. "I think just writing and being secure in your arms keeps me calm. I'd say sleep, but I sleep too much. It's just easier that way." He glanced at the floor.

Bakugou nodded. "We can totally do that. And I know it's easy to sleep off what you don't wanna deal with, but it's not only gonna be there the next day, but it'll just snowball. What else makes you feel at peace?"

Todoroki offered a perfunctory shrug. "I can't think of anything right now. But…thank you for helping me." He mustered up a faint smile. "Unknowingly, I kind of repeated a past mistake. In the past, I, ah… Is it…okay if I tell you something hea—"

"Don't gotta ask. Go on."

"I just wanted to make sure. Ah. Remember when you touched my hand and I refused to tell you what was wrong with it?" Todoroki slowly lifted his scarred hand. "I hated Endeavor to the point where I wanted to deliberately make myself pathetic. So, I started to starve myself. It was hard because I liked eating, but eventually, I wanted to see my weight drop, and I wanted to see myself get thinner and thinner. It wasn't because I thought I was fat. I just… I wanted to see his 'perfect creation' breaking into nothing. Slowly, bit by bit, I was shrinking myself into a skeleton. But my family had to intervene and get me help. Otherwise, I would have starved to death. I lied about eating, how much I ate, and when and where I ate. When I had to eat in front of them, I… I started to purge afterwards.

"I was obsessed with getting as thin as possible just to get back at Endeavor, but it completely took over me, and it went beyond that little revenge plan. I couldn't stop myself. It felt like I had no control over myself, even though, ultimately, I wanted control over myself so badly since I didn't want to conform to his expectations of me. I wanted out of that set path he carved for me that I had no say in, and I did forge my own path, but I was in the same exact situation all over again. I wanted out of that because I couldn't take the bursts of losing control anymore, but I didn't really realize that because I also didn't want to change. I didn't want to admit defeat. I didn't want to heal, even though I just wanted out. I… I can't really explain it. I hated being like that, but I couldn't imagine not being like that, and I couldn't let go of it, no matter how much it hurt me. Maybe a good analogy would be a toxic, dependency-based relationship of sorts. You need this person. You're nothing without them. They're what your life revolves around. A world without them isn't even imaginable.

"But…all they're doing is hurting you, convincing you it's fine, and that this is what's best for you. So, you believe them, and that relationship that's tearing you apart from the inside becomes all you know—your new norm. You need it. You can't exist without it. Your identity has become it. You can't just leave. And even if you do start to realize what it's doing to you, you subconsciously realize what it means if you admit to yourself that this relationship is toxic—you've been used and abused all this time by the one you've been dependent on, the one that forced you to be okay with the pain, the one that made you believe this was all for and what was best you. So, you dismiss the idea before you can even think about it. There's no way…you fell for that. You haven't lived a lie all this time. You weren't deliberately deceived and dismantled by this thing you need, live for, and live to please.

"So, as expected, I was hospitalized, and I started therapy. I never wanted the help. I never once appreciated it, either. I had to get to a point where someone I cared about was so concerned about me that they got help for me. Now, I've done the same thing, but in a different way. But…this time, I'm grateful, even if I really don't want the help. I know I need it, even if I don't believe that. Who am I to only believe myself? That would be self-conceited. I believe you, even if I don't want to believe you. At the back of my head, I still wonder if I'm ultimately a pawn to you, but it doesn't change what you've done for me. Here, in the present, I'm grateful for it all. Even if I regret it in the future, now is what's most important, right?"

With a smirk, Bakugou ran his hand through Todoroki's hair. "Look at you with all this self-reflection," he snickered. "Yer past is dark, and it fucking hurts me to no end to hear about the hell you've been through, but there's a reason why you're still standing. You're needed, dumbass. You are needed. Not the facade you always use, but the real Shouto Todoroki. If you ever start to starve yourself until nothing's left again, I'm gonna work my ass off to rebuild you and break down that toxic relationship. No one and nothing steals my boyfriend from me. Ain't no changing my mind. I need you, you fucking idiot. Our class needs you. Remember all the people you've saved? They needed you, and so long as yer alive, you're needed by someone, even if you haven't met 'em. Yer eating disorder needed you for it to exist, but look at it like a parasite. You're better off in every way without it." He nodded and patted Todoroki's shoulder. "Do you want someone to need a fake you, or the real you?"

Todoroki's eyes drifted to the floor. He's so nice… That part of me…wasn't me? It was just a parasite controlling me? It was a part of me, but it wasn't me? I think…I can accept that. I've always thought that the real me doesn't deserve to be loved because the real me is unnecessary and flawed. Useless, disgusting, pathetic. But…

"I think, deep down, it hurt me a lot to become the facade I wore," whispered Todoroki. "That was the thing that people loved and paid attention to. But it wasn't me. Yet, it was what people approved of. Why couldn't I be loved like that? I came to the conclusion I didn't deserve it, but a part of me still wanted it so badly. I'd always fallen short, and I'd never been enough even when I did my best, and I wanted proof I could finally stop being pathetic. Proof that I was finally enough. But it also hurt. When you showed me your kindness, it hurt so much. You had to be lying, I thought. You were just going to pull the rug out from under me if I accepted it. I didn't deserve it. I'd done nothing. I couldn't reciprocate it how I wanted to, and therefore, I was selfish.

"I was selfish. My lie didn't deserve to be loved, but I kept hiding behind it anyway. That person wasn't the real me, but it was what people were kind to and finally accepted. I hated that part of me, and it made your kindness sting even more." Todoroki twined his warm fingers with Bakugou's. "No one had ever tried to save me before. I really did start to become my own facade, and even now, I don't know what's me and what's 'me' anymore. But knowing you were going to such lengths just for me… It hurt so much. It still hurts. The real me has never been treated like this before. I've never…" Todoroki's eyes began to burn with rippling warmth, and within moments, tears were pouring down his cheeks. "I've never been so grateful… I-I… I've just pushed everyone away and rejected their kindness. I never once thought, 'I'm so grateful for everything.' I just thought, 'I don't deserve any of this. Please leave me alone.' I still think that way, but…"