The Mayhem Critic
Aloha, my fellow readers. It is I, the great James Stryker and welcome back to another hilarious chapter of The Mayhem Critic. The last time we left off with Sean the Mayhem Critic reviewing I'll Be Home for Christmas while dealing with Chad McDouche arriving at his home. Today, he's finishing up Mayhem Critic Christmas with some Christmas leftovers in the form of Home Alone 4: Taking Back the House, a made-for-television film that Sean hated for years, and now it's time for our favorite residential movie critic to exact his vengeance. So sit back, relax and get a great laugh because this is the newest chapter of The Mayhem Critic. Enjoy.
P.S.: I do not own anything involved in this story. All rights and references belong to their respective sources. Home Alone 4: Taking Back the House is owned by Fox Television Studios.
Episode 231
Home Alone 4: Taking Back the House
(We get our Mayhem Critic intro, this time, it's the final intro of the year till we switch to the new intro. After the intro ends, we open with our favorite residential movie critic Sean J. Archer, a.k.a. the Mayhem Critic, sitting in his man cave with his head resting on his hand, his fingers drumming as though pondering something. He stayed silent for a bit before starting his introduction)
"Good evening, ladies and gentlemen, I'm Sean the Mayhem Critic, the critic that rips movies a new one." Sean said and sighed. "Well, Christmas is over and I'm starting to get the post-Christmas blues and I've been waiting for Santa to get me something very good for Christmas, and what does he bring me? (Pulls out the following items) He gets me Ghostbusters and Ghostbusters II on Ultra 4K, the Star Trek movies featuring the cast of The Next Generation also on Ultra 4K, the complete series set of Friends on Blu-Ray, Galaxy Quest and yet no Xbox Series X with Indiana Jones and the Great Circle! But he did get me Indiana Jones and the Dial of Destiny. Great! Now, I'll have to wait till Spring of 2025 to get Indiana Jones and the Great Circle on PS5. Oh, yeah. He also left me this abomination in my stocking. And that abomination is called Home…"
Sean paused for a moment before filling with rage.
"HOME ALONE 4! Just play the footage." Sean said.
(The title screen for "Home Alone 4" is shown while clips of the movie are shown)
Sean: (Narrating) For those of you who are asking, "Sean, when did they come out with a Home Alone 4?". My answer is yes, yes they did. Home Alone 4: Taking Back the House was a Made-For-Television movie that aired on ABC's Wonderful World of Disney on November 3rd, 2002. Yeah, as you can see, Disney was trying to save the Home Alone franchise after John Hughes almost killed it with Home Alone 3. This was the first Home Alone movie to air straight to television. I guess after the negative reception of Home Alone 3, they figure they should release the fourth one straight to television. And the reception for this one, well, let's just say that Home Alone 3 is Citizen Kane compared to Home Alone 4, because Home Alone 4 sucked! The took away all of the characters in the last film and they brought back characters from the first two movies. (A picture of the movie's director, Rod Daniel, is shown) The movie was directed by the late Rod Daniel, who was known for directing the movies Teen Wolf, K-9 and Beethoven's 2nd (Posters for those three movies are shown).
"Boy, this guy directed some movies that were dog-related. Can you give me a movie that he's directed that isn't dog-related?" Sean asked.
(A poster for the 1991 comedy The Super is shown)
"Oh, that movie with Joe Pesci in it. Okay, that was pretty good. At least it's not Home Alone 4." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) This was the last film that Daniel directed before he retired from directing. I guess he can take it to his grave that he directed Home Alone 4. Not only that, the producers hoped that the movie would lead to a Home Alone TV series. I can see why the Home Alone TV series wasn't made, because this movie sucked. I really didn't want to review this movie because I hated that movie. My only regret was not reviewing Christmas with the Kranks this year. But since the year is almost over, I should give the people what they… okay, honestly, nobody wanted this movie, nobody asked for this movie. So, let's just get this over with before I review Home Alone 3 and Home Alone: The Holiday Heist since I already reviewed three Home Alone movies for the show.
"This is the movie that nobody demanded. This is Home Alone 4." Sean said.
(The movie opens with the title screen and we don't get the iconic John Williams music but a different music score composed by Teddy Castellucci)
Sean: (Narrating) The movie opens with the worst opening title screen of all time and we don't get John Williams' iconic music score and we go through the door of the house instead of the window and we see that the movie stars French Stewart. Yeah, you know it's a good sign when you see the name "French Stewart". That's the first name you see in a movie. But hey, remember the Pruitt family from the third film? Well, they're not in this one. So guess who they're using again? The McCallister family. And we get different actors playing the characters. (Cut to a picture of Catherine O'Hara as Kate McCallister) Remember when Catherine O'Hara played Kate McCallister in the first two Home Alone movies? (Cut to the movie's version of Kate, this time played by Clare Carey) Say hello to Kate, she's played by Clare Carey, who you might recognize her as Coach Hayden Fox's daughter Kelly from the sitcom Coach and the ABC Family comedy So Little Time starring Mary-Kate and Ashley Olsen. Not only you have a different actor playing Kate, you have different actors playing the siblings Buzz and Megan, played by Gideon Jacobs and Chelsea Russo. As for the father Peter, who was played by the late John Heard, (a picture of John Heard as Peter McCallister is shown), he's played by Jason Beghe. Yeah, the dude who played Hank Voight from Chicago P.D., and I saved the best for last, Kevin. Yeah, they recasted Kevin! He's played by Mike Weinberg this time and not Macaulay Culkin, because Macaulay Culkin was in his twenties at this time.
"God, don't you just love recasting in movies?" Sean asked in a sarcastic tone.
(We cut to Kevin, who's watching an old home movie of his family's Christmas as Kate enters his room)
Kate McCallister (Played by Clare Carey): Last Christmas, huh?
Kevin McCallister (Played by Mike Weinberg): Yeah. This Christmas isn't gonna be any fun.
Kate McCallister: Well, of course it will. Honey, we're gonna do all the same things we've always done. Sing Christmas carols, be with family and friends, put cookies and milk out for Santa.
"Yeah, that's how I remember Catherine O'Hara's character." Sean said.
(Cut to Home Alone)
Kevin McCallister (Played by Macaulay Culkin): Everyone in this family hates me!
Kate McCallister (Played by Catherine O'Hara): Then maybe you should ask Santa for a new family.
Kevin McCallister: I don't want a new family. I don't want any family. Families suck!
(Cut back to Home Alone 4)
Sean: (Narrating) Anyway, Kevin's bummed out because his mom and dad are going through a divorce. Wait, when the hell did that happen? Did it happen after the second film or in between the first and second movie?
Kate McCallister: I know you miss your dad.
Kevin McCallister: And he loves me very much. You both do, and it has nothing to do with me.
Kate McCallister: Did he tell you that?
Kevin McCallister: I'm nine years old. I watch a lot of TV.
"Excuse me, he's nine years old?! In the first film, Kevin was eight years old and in the second film, he was ten years old. So, in this one, he's nine years old. Unless this movie takes place between the first two movies, or maybe this movie has some incompetent producers and writers. I'm talkin' about you…" Sean said.
(The credits are shown: David Madden and Lisa Demberg are the executive producers, Mitch Engle is the producer and Debra Frank and Steve L. Hayes are the writers)
Sean: (Narrating) …David Madden, Lisa Demberg, Mitch Engle, Debra Frank and Steve Hayes. I blame you, guys!
"Here's a tip: YOU NEED TO AGE YOUR CHARACTERS! And when I say that, I DON'T MEAN AGE THEM BACKWARDS!" Sean yelled out.
Sean: (Narrating) Peter drops by to visit the kids and to drop this little news to Kate that him and his new girlfriend Natalie are getting married. Wow. So, within a year, him and Kate get divorced and now Peter is getting remarried. Damn! That was pretty fast considering that their marriage was going well at the end of the second film.
Kate McCallister: Really? (Scoffs) You're getting married again.
(Peter nods his head)
Kate McCallister: Wow. That's, uh- - that… (Breathes deeply) Wow. We've only been separated eight months.
Peter McCallister (Played by Jason Beghe): Yeah, I- - it just happened real quickly…
"You think?! I mean, what have caused you two to split? What? Was he busy flirting with the flight attendant? Or did he learn about your little affair with Stuart Rosebrock?" Sean asked as a picture of Stuart and Kelly from Coach is shown. "Yeah, it's probably that. She had an affair with Stuart Rosebrock."
Peter McCallister: I really want the kids to spend a little time with me over the holidays.
Kate McCallister: You want the kids for Christmas?
Peter McCallister: Just a couple of days. I want them to get to know Natalie better.
Kate McCallister: Oh, because she's gonna be their, uh, stepmother.
Peter McCallister: Yeah.
"Okay, how long until Kelly Fox and Hank Voight get back together?" Sean asked. "I give it till the end of the movie."
Sean: (Narrating) Peter asks the kids if they want to spend Christmas with him and his new girlfriend, but Buzz and Megan refuse. As for Kevin, he wants to, but it wouldn't be right leaving the family at Christmas, so he's staying with his mother. Afterwards, Kevin is starting to have second thoughts when Kate leaves him alone with Buzz and Buzz makes his life a living hell.
(Kevin is seen taking the trash out. Buzz opens the trash can while Kevin is putting the trash bags inside, then he slams the lid down on Kevin's hand, hurting him)
Kevin McCallister: Ow!
(We get a crappy Windows Movie Maker transition as we see Kevin walking down the stairs while carrying a pile of clothes until Buzz approaches him and knocks them out of his hands)
Buzz McCallister (Played by Gideon Jacobs): Oops! My fault.
(We get another Windows Movie Maker transition as we see Kevin sitting on the stairs while he waits for his mother to come home. Kate enters the house)
Kate McCallister: Hello, I'm home… Hey. How'd it go?
Kevin McCallister: Awful. I hate Buzz, and I never want to be stuck home alone with him as long as I live.
Kate McCallister: Oh, honey. I know he picks on you.
Kevin McCallister: Picks on me? Humiliates me, tortures me. I'm sick of being everyone's favorite joke around here.
(A clip from Scott The Woz is shown)
Scott The Woz: What a little bitch!
Kevin McCallister: I wish I didn't have a brother or a sister.
Kate McCallister: Well, you don't mean that.
Kevin McCallister: Yes, I do! I wish I was an only child!
Kate McCallister: Well… I'm sorry that you're so unhappy. Maybe you should go to your room and think about what you have, rather than what you don't have.
(Kevin scoffs as he heads upstairs to his room)
(Cut to Home Alone)
Kevin McCallister: I don't wanna see you again for the rest of my whole life. And I don't wanna see anybody else either.
Kate McCallister: I hope you don't mean that. You'd feel pretty sad if you woke up tomorrow morning and you didn't have a family.
Kevin McCallister: No, I wouldn't.
Kate McCallister: Then say it again. Maybe it'll happen.
Kevin McCallister: I hope I never see any of you jerks again!
Sean: (Narrating) Getting sick and tired of being the runt of the litter of the family, Kevin decides to leave home and go to his father's house by using his change from his piggy bank to pay for a cab ride to his father's house. God, this sounds stupid. Anyway, speaking of Kevin's father, we see him living in a James Bond movie with his wealthy girlfriend Natalie, played by Joanna Going. Wow, looks like he's enjoying his divorce pretty well. And we see that Peter and Kate aren't the only ones getting a divorce, as we see that Marv, played by French Stewart of all people, is busy scoping out the mansion with his wife Vera, played by Missi Pyle.
Marv (Played by French Stewart): Nice house, huh, pumpkin?
Vera (Played by Missi Pyle): Sure is, Marv. You sure you don't wanna rob it?
Marv: No. No, I don't wanna rob it. My robbery days are over. Look, darling, we're moving up to the big money. All right? The easy money. No middleman. Pure profit. Strictly a class operation, huh? Three words, Vera. Kid- - na- - pping.
"Uh, isn't that just one word?" Sean asked. "And you went from robbing houses to kidnapping children now. Just who are you planning on kidnapping? Are you planning on kidnapping President Bush's daughters Barbara and Jenna?"
(Vera gives Marv a look)
Vera: I think it's only one word.
"See? And Vera agrees with me." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) So yeah, Marv's dastardly plan is to kidnap the royal prince when he arrives. But wait, what happened to Harry? I thought he was doing all of the planning.
Marv: Look where Harry's plans kept landing me, huh? In jail.
Vera: Mmm.
Marv: Well, not this time. Because this time... (sighs) I'm the boss.
"I see that Harry and Marv got a divorce as well. Like I said, Kate and Peter aren't the only ones getting a divorce." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) I would just like to bring up this little fun fact: Daniel Stern, who played Marv in the first two Home Alone movies, was approached to reprise his role in this one. But Stern did the smart thing and declined it and he called it "an insult, total garbage". So now we're stuck with the dude from 3rd Rock from the Sun who's playing Marv now.
"But hey, on the plus side, Joe Pesci wasn't offered to reprise his role as Harry. They just mentioned the character. I know that Pesci would probably call this movie a piece of shit as well." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) Kevin arrives to his father's house by catching a cab with his piggy bank change. Again, this sounds stupid.
Kevin McCallister: Thank you very much. (Hands the cabbie his piggy bank) Keep the change.
Cab Driver (Played by Anton Smuts): It's all change.
(A clip from Invader Zim is shown)
Zim (Voiced by Richard Horvitz): Oh, that's stupid!
Dib (Voiced by Andy Berman): Really stupid.
(We see the head of security and one of Natalie's servants, Mr. Prescott, is seen falling asleep in the security room. But is awoken by a beeping noise)
Sean: (V/O as Prescott) Yes, I'll appear in another Adam Sandler movie! Oh...
Sean: (Narrating) Kevin meets Mr. Prescott, played by Erick Avari, and he is immediately scared by him when he first sees him. Prescott is the head of security and one of Natalie's servants. Aside from meeting Prescott, Kevin meets his future stepmother, who takes a likingtowards him.
Natalie (Played by Joanna Going): I've been looking forward to spending time with you. Your dad talks about you kids a lot.
Kevin McCallister: Buzz is the troublemaker. I'm the adorable one.
"Ha ha ha, shut up! The more I hear you talk, the more I want to hit you." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) Kevin meets another one of Natalie's servants named Molly, played by Barbara Babcock, and this was her final film role before she retired in 2004. Anyway, Natalie gives Kevin a key to the house to make him feel welcomed. Here's the thing about the house: it's a smart house.
Natalie: (Holds up the communicator and speaks into it) Fire, out.
(The fireplace is on the whole time. Right on cue, the fire is out)
Natalie: Curtains, open.
(The curtains begin to open)
Kevin McCallister: Wow! I think I'm gonna like it here.
"Hmm. Let me try something." Sean said as he picks up his cellphone and gets up from off of the couch. He heads to the kitchen and walks over to the refrigerator as he holds his phone up and speaks into it. "Refrigerator, open."
After he says it, the refrigerator door doesn't open.
"Movie, bullshit." Sean said as ringing sound is heard. The young critic heads back into his man cave but quickly returns to the kitchen and opened the refrigerator door to grab himself a can of Vanilla Coke.
Natalie: Go ahead. You try.
Kevin McCallister: (Speaks into the communicator) Door, open.
(Right on cue, the door opens itself to reveal Kevin's room, which has a television full of screens and video games. Kevin is elated as he goes over to play the arcade machine)
Kevin McCallister: Wow! This stuff is so cool.
"Let's admit it, we all wish that we had a room like that. If I was a kid, I would totally love this room." Sean said.
Natalie: Think you'll be comfortable here?
Kevin McCallister: I'll say! Thanks, Natalie. This is gonna be the best Christmas ever!
"All my mom ever does was give me unconditional love for years. Screw that noise, you got me a PS5 Pro!" Sean exclaimed, imitating Kevin while a picture of the PS5 Pro is shown.
Sean: (Narrating) And speaking of mothers, Kate finds that Kevin is not in his room as Peter calls Kate to let her know that Kevin arrived safely and she's okay with it. I mean, it wouldn't be a Home Alone movie for this to happen.
Molly (Played by Barbara Babcock): Breakfast time. Anything special you'd like?
Kevin McCallister: Anything?
Molly: Anything.
(We see Kevin is served breakfast in bed, which is french toast)
"I wish my girlfriend would serve me breakfast in bed." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) Peter and Natalie let's Kevin open one gift which is a remote-control plane. So while Peter and Natalie leave the house, Kevin is left alone with Prescott.
Kevin McCallister: Mr. Prescott, can I ask you a question?
Prescott (Played by Erick Avari): Yes.
Kevin McCallister: Can you make a milkshake? (Smiles at Prescott)
(The next scene cuts to Kevin in the kitchen with Prescott)
Kevin McCallister: Do you have chocolate? What? Natalie said anything I need.
Prescott: And you need a milkshake, do you?
Kevin McCallister: A chocolate one. Do you think we'll have a white Christmas?
Prescott: Seems highly unlikely, given the recent unseasonable temperatures.
"Well, that's because this movie is not filmed in Chicago. It's actually filmed in Cape Town, South Africa. Really? Really?!" Sean asked.
(Kevin spots a dumbwaiter)
Kevin McCallister: What's this thing? A mini elevator? (Scoffs)
Prescott: It's called a dumbwaiter.
Kevin McCallister: Why is it called a waiter?
Prescott: Because it carries food.
Kevin McCallister: Why is it called dumb?
Prescott: Because it doesn't speak or ask countless idiotic questions.
"Thank you! God, Kevin is starting to act like the more annoying version of that kid they confused Kevin for from the first film." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) Kevin checks out Prescott's room which says "No Entry". His room is basically the control center from which he manages the entire household and it is strictly off-limits. But enough of him annoying Prescott, Kevin goes to see Molly, who's much nicer than Prescott.
Kevin McCallister: Hey, Molly. Whatcha doing?
Molly: Cleanin' the house.
Kevin McCallister: (Standing next to a statue of a naked man lying on his stomach) Gross.
Molly: Oh, no, no, Not in this house.
"No, I think he was talking about that statue that's sitting on the table. Seriously, where did that statue come from? Why is it on set? Maybe it symbolizes what you're doing to this franchise. You're doing it right up the ass." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) Anyway, we then get...
(We then cut to Kevin lip-synching to James Brown's "I Feel Good")
"What the hell?!" Sean exclaimed.
(We see Kevin dancing around in his bathrobe and we see him taking a shower before cutting to him watching television and we see that Young Frankenstein is playing on the middle television screens while Kevin continues his cringe-inducing dance number)
"Oh, Christ! This is too cringe-inducing. Please stop. Can the rest of this movie be watching Young Frankenstein?" Sean asked.
(A clip from Young Frankenstein is shown)
Frau Blucher (Played by Cloris Leachman): (Suggestively) Ovaltine?
Dr. Frederick Frankenstein (Played by Gene Wilder): NOTHING! Thank you! I'm a little - tired!
(We then cut to Kevin sliding down the bannister as Prescott approaches him and gives him a menacing look)
Kevin McCallister: Music, off.
(Prescott continues to stare silently at Kevin)
Kevin McCallister: (Pulls the remote from out of his pocket and speaks into it) Music, off.
"Well, Prescott isn't the only one who's had enough of Kevin's shenanigans." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) Molly heads to the store, leaving Kevin alone with Prescott while Marv and Vera get ready to sneak inside the house to get the layout of it before they kidnap the royal prince.
Vera: Wait. Are you sure it's safe?
Marv: Pumpkin, would I take you in there if it wasn't safe?
Vera: It's just if the princedon't arrive till tomorrow, why are we going in there now?
Marv: To get the lay of the land. What do ya think, Vera? We're just gonna go in there tomorrow and (makes gyrating motions with his hands) start grabbing kids? "Ooh, everybody get in the van."
"Okay is it just me, or is the writing getting a little too eww-y? Maybe it's because French Stewart is saying it. I don't know. It still sound a little creepy." Sean said while he felt a little creeped out.
Sean: (Narrating) Kevin spots Marv and Vera, and oh boy, what an unbelievable coincidence.
(Kevin spots Marv and Vera through a telescope)
Kevin McCallister: No. It can't be!
(Marv and Vera squeeze through and automatically-closing gate)
Kevin McCallister: (Eyes widened in alarm) It is! It's Marv!
Sean: (V/O as Kevin) Oh, my God! Marv has a completely different face!
Sean: (Narrating) Kevin tries to call Prescott for help but he doesn't answer and Marv turns the alarm off. Wow, for being the head of security, Prescott is sure doing a bang-up job. Marv and Vera get inside the house and Kevin tries to get them out of the house.
Marv: Door, open.
(The door opens)
Kevin McCallister: (Speaking into the remote) Door, close.
Marv: I love this thing.
Vera: Marv.
(Marv gets hit in the face by the door as it closes right when he's about to walk through)
Vera: The door was... shutting.
Marv: What's wrong with this thing? (Speaks into the remote) Door, open.
Sean: (V/O as Marv) This smart house has a mind of it's own. This wasn't supposed to happen.
Sean: (Narrating) Marv and Vera enter Kevin's room, thinking that the prince came early, as Kevin turns on the shower and blasts them with it and somehow flooding the entire house with it.
(The flood of water washes down from the upper floor of the house and washes Marv and Vera down the stairs with the torrent. Kevin acts in surprise as the flood hits his feet)
"Boy, the insurance company's gonna be pissed." Sean said, imitating Louis Tulley from Ghostbusters.
(Marv and Vera spot Kevin)
Marv: (Points at Kevin) You!
Kevin McCallister: Hello, Marv.
Marv: Well... long time, no see. Huh, kid?
Vera: Is that the prince?
Marv: No, that's Kevin. Kevin, Vera. Vera, Kevin.
"Well, I see that we're on a first name basis here. We've grown over the years." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) The house is flooded and Marv tells Kevin that he'll be back...
Marv: I'll be back!
Sean: (Narrating) ...and Peter and Natalie come home to find the house flooded and Kevin tries to explain to them what happened.
Peter McCallister: Kevin, what happened?
Kevin McCallister: It wasn't me. It was the burglars.
Peter McCallister: The burglars?
Kevin McCallister: Yeah. And I recognized the one guy. Marv. Did I ever tell you about him? Well, that's another story.
"Uh, no. You've never mentioned Marv to your parents. Hell, you never mentioned Harry and Marv to them." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) They obviously don't believe Kevin, because Prescott was having the longest cat nap of his life, or an extremely long bathroom break. And somehow, they want him to apologize for protecting the fucking house!
Peter McCallister: Well, do you have something to say?
Kevin McCallister: (To Natalie) Thank you.
Peter McCallister: And?
Kevin McCallister: I'm sorry for the damage of your house.
"Also, I would like to say you can take your apology and shove it up your ass." Sean said, imitating Kevin.
Sean: (Narrating) Kevin sneaks into Prescott's room to look at the security footage and sees that it has been tampered with. And if you think I had something to do with this edit, then I didn't. I wish I did. But this is how this scene is presented.
(A shadow looms over Kevin, who sees the shadow and screams. It turns out to be Prescott)
Prescott: What are you doing here? Tell me.
"Wow, talk about some bad editing right there." Sean said.
Prescott: Didn't I warn you what would happen if I ever caught you in here again?
Kevin McCallister: Not specifically.
Prescott: Trust me. It won't be pleasant.
"I'm like the badass version of Alfred from Batman. Only this time, I will kill you." Sean said, imitating Prescott.
Sean: (Narrating) But Molly comes in to take Kevin since she's gonna be his responsibility. Thank God for Molly.
Molly: Prescott is a good person to stay away from.
Kevin McCallister: You're telling me. He's one of the bad guys- - The bad guys who broke into the house. Although technically they didn't break in, because they had their own remote. And who do you think gave them that?
Molly: Prescott.
Kevin McCallister: Mm-hmm.
Molly: That sounds a bit far-fetched to me.
"Who knows? Maybe Prescott is in league with Marv and Vera." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) Kevin suspects that Prescott is the inside man working with Marv and Vera. Yeah, I'm pretty sure that the sweet old lady has nothing to do with it.
Molly: You do have an overactive imagination. But that's what I love about children. My own son was the same as you at your age- - a real handful.
"Ah, yes. I have the fondest memory of my boys." Sean said as a picture of Jake and Francis Fratelli from The Goonies are shown.
Sean: (Narrating) Later, Peter and Natalie are talking about Kevin and they see that he's going through a difficult time because of the divorce. So they come up with a way to make him feel at home, which is trimming the tree. As for Kevin, he's busy complaining about how boring Christmas is.
Kevin McCallister: No friends, no fun, no snow. This is definitely gonna be the worst Christmas ever.
"Okay, are you sure you weren't drinking while writing the script while driving?" Sean asked.
Sean: (Narrating) Peter talks to Kevin and they start having a little fun by trimming the tree. Hey, you almost wrecked the house, let's trim the tree as a family. You know for a smart house, you sure have a bunch of dumbasses living inside. But then Natalie gets a phone call from her friend, so she heads out, giving Peter and Kevin some time to have a father-son chat.
Peter McCallister: Kevin. Kevin, you know- - I didn't leave your mom to be with Natalie, okay? That just kind of happened later.
Kevin McCallister: You wanna tell me about it?
Peter McCallister: Adult relationships are just complicated. Sometimes when two people get married really young like your moma and I did, you just end up feeling kind of- -
Kevin McCallister: You missed out on some things.
Peter McCallister: Yeah. I mean, just 'cause you grow up on the outside, doesn't mean you wanna stop having fun, enjoying life.
Kevin McCallister: I know all about the inner child, Dad.
Peter McCallister: Oh. You do, huh?
Kevin McCallister: That's why old guys drive sports cars.
"Well, yeah. That's one thing. And dating a woman that's younger than him. Midlife crisis, am I right, guys?" Sean asked.
Sean: (Narrating) The next day, Kevin and Peter head downstairs to find that their tree has been changed by Natalie.
Kevin McCallister: You undid our tree?
Natalie: Well, it would have had to come down eventually anyway.
(A clip from Friends is shown. It's from the season seven episode "The One With All the Cheesecakes")
Ross Gellar (Played by David Schwimmer): That bitch.
Sean: (Narrating) But hey, at least Peter cheers him up by letting Ketvin open up a gift from him and Natalie, which happens to be a Super Spy Ultrasonic Spy Kit. Hell, why don't you give him a BB gun for Christmas. Anyway, Kate, Buzz and Megan drop by to visit Kevin and for Kate to meet Natalie. Anyway, she drops by to give Kevin his teddy bear.
"Really? Kevin sleeps with a teddy bear?" Sean asked while a picture of Kevin from the first film is shown holding an air rifle. "This is the same kid who shoots burglars with a rifle and setting traps. Like he would still sleep with a teddy bear."
Kate McCallister: I wasn't even sure he could even sleep without it.
Peter McCallister: Gosh, you know what? I cannot believe he hasn't even asked for it.
Natalie: Well, we could buy him another stuffed animal.
Peter McCallister: Oh, no, no.
Kate McCallister: No.
Peter McCallister: This is, uh- - this is Teddy.
Kate McCallister: No. Teddy is his transitional object.
"Yeah, his transitional object. Why do you even think he left it at home?!" Sean asked.
Sean: (Narrating) So yeah, talking about Kevin and his teddy bear sparks some feelings between Peter and Kate. Like I said, how long until these two get back together? Later, Peter and Natalie head out to pick up the royal family from the airport, while the staff sets everything up for the party. Meanwhile, Marv and Vera disguise themselves as the staff and Kevin recognizes them and tries to warn Prescott, but he doesn't listen.
Prescott: Listen, you. I have just about had enough of you and your melodrama! Now, this is a very important night, and if I have to lock you up to keep you out of our way, don't think I won't do it.
Kevin McCallister: (Points to the ceiling) Look!
(Prescott looks up and Kevin stomps on his foot)
Prescott: Ow!
Sean: (V/O as Prescott) I did not see that one coming!
Sean: (Narrating) Kevin locks Prescott in the freezer and he goes after Marv and Vera. Meanwhile, Peter and Natalie are on their way to pick up the royals, but it turns out that their flight has been canceled due to snow, so Natalie decides to announce their engagement at the party.
Peter McCallister: Tonight?
Natalie: I know we were gonna wait till after your divorce was final, but... well, it's only a few weeks away and your kids already know, and it'll make tonight so special.
Peter McCallister: Well, if it makes you happy.
Natalie: (Hugs Peter) Yes!
"Well, at least he's getting a happy wife with millions of dollars and a happy life with millions of dollars. HE'S RICH, BITCH!" Sean yelled out.
Sean: (Narrating) Meanwhile, Kevin tracks down Marv and Vera as they get ready to kidnap the prince. So they decide to test out the bag, by having Vera get in the bag. Why? Just so this shit could happen to them.
Marv: Don't worry, honey. I got ya.
Vera: (While she's in the bag) Marv! Let me down easy.
Marv: I always do, baby.
(He lowers her down and the rope stops abruptly)
Kevin McCallister: (Speaks to the remote) Door, open.
(The door opens as the hook slides under Marv and catches between his legs. Marv screams in pain and the hook drags him towards the window, which he flies towards and collides with the glass, cracking it. The bag with Vera inside, hangs in midair briefly before the window shatters)
Marv: Don't worry. Everything's under control.
Vera: Uh, uh, Marv- -
(The window shatters completely and they fall out of the window)
"Yeah, I'm pretty sure that's not how gravity works." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) Peter and Natalie arrive back home to announce the news of their engagement. But then, it turns into a disaster when Marv and Vera chase after Kevin and wreck the whole party. Also, they thought that Prescott was an ice sculpture. How funny is that?
Peter McCallister: (Screaming) KEVIN!
(The next scene cuts to Kevin, sitting in a chair while Peter and Natalie are pacing back and forth)
Kevin McCallister: I'm not lying. The bad guys are back.
Natalie: We're not getting anywhere.
Peter McCallister: Kevin, I spoke to all the caterers and to Molly. Nobody saw a thing but you. Now, how could that be?
Kevin McCallister: I don't know, but I heard they're gonna kidnap the prince.
Peter McCallister: You heard them say that?
Kevin McCallister: Yeah, with my super spy bugging device. And Prescott's involved with the whole thing.
(Peter sighs)
Natalie: This is absurd. I'm going to call and make sure the royal family's flight is okay for tomorrow.
(Peter stares at Kevin)
"Well, time for me to do some police brutality on this kid." Sean said, imitating Hank Voight from Chicago P.D. while he repeatedly punches at the camera.
Sean: (Narrating) They don't believe Kevin and Peter thinks that his own son is trying to destroy his relationship with Natalie.
Peter McCallister: I want you to go to your room and think about what you've done.
"Isn't that what people said to the producers of the movie after they saw it?" Sean asked.
Sean: (Narrating) We then cut to Kate, who is seen crying from watching It's a Wonderful Life. Maybe it's because nobody's speaking in French or Spanish. And Kevin calls up his mother so he can watch the movie with her.
Kevin McCallister: (On the phone) Are you okay?
Kate McCallister: Yeah, yeah. I'm just watching It's a Wonderful Life.
Kevin McCallister: You are?
Kate McCallister: You know how that gets to me.
Kevin McCallister: What channel is it on?
Kate McCallister: Eight.
(Kevin picks up the remote and turns on the multitude of TVs, which all play the very same movie)
Sean: (V/O as Kevin) Well, watching It's a Wonderful Life is a McCallister family tradition.
Kate McCallister: So, how's your party? Are you havin' a good time?
Kevin McCallister: Yeah, it's all right.
"Trying to stop an abduction is pretty stupid at this moment." Sean said, imitating Kevin.
Sean: (Narrating) After speaking with his mother, Natalie comes in to speak to Kevin to give him some kind words that every stepmother would give their stepson.
Natalie: Your father and I were a little rough on you before. Are you okay?
Kevin McCallister: Yeah.
Natalie: Good. Because if you ever do anything like that again, you'll be out of this house so fast, your head will spin. So your father's getting divorced. Boo-hoo. Everyone's parents get divorced. That's life. You'll get over it. But you're not gonna come between your father and me. He wants you in his life, and I think that's admirable. But if you want him in your life... you better not cross me. Understood?
(Kevin nods his head)
"Jeez, and I thought that Joan Crawford was Mother of the Year." Sean said as a picture of Faye Dunaway as Joan Crawford in Mommy Dearest is shown.
Sean: (V/O as Natalie) There, there Kevin. I'm here to tuck you in. You fuck with me, I'll send you to military school. Capisce?
(Natalie enters the bedroom to talk to Peter, who is seen watching It's a Wonderful Life on TV)
Natalie: I've just had a nice little chat with Kevin. I think we're beginning to understand each other better. What are you watching?
Peter McCallister: It's a Wonderful Life. They've been running it all night. Come on. Watch it with me.
Natalie: I've seen it.
Peter McCallister: So?
Natalie: So... I don't understand people who watch movies over and over again.
"As a person who watches movies over and over again, I take that as an offense, you rich bitch." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) Natalie turns off one of the best Christmas movies of all time and gets a little nookie from Peter. Then, we cut to Kevin as he prepares for Marv and Vera to return, and he sets traps everywhere.
"Oh, yeah. We're in for one crazy night of..." Sean said.
(We then cut to the next morning)
"Or the next morning. Wait, what? Did we get the pages mixed up?" Sean asked while he puts on his glasses and looks through some papers in confusion.
Sean: (Narrating) Anyway, it's Christmas morning and Kevin is excited to spend it with his Dad and Queen Bitch (Natalie), but they're off to pick up the royal family from the airport.
Kevin McCallister: But it's Christmas. And why do you both have to go?
Peter McCallister: Look, you know how sometimes you gotta do things you don't wanna do? This is one of those times.
"I bet that this is one of those times that you didn't want to do that movie, ain't it, Hank?" Sean asked.
Sean: (Narrating) After Peter and Natalie leave to pick up the royal family, Marv and Vera head back to the mansion. So, Kevin takes care of Prescott by locking him in the wine cellar. God, you suck as head of security! Kevin bumps into Molly and warns her about Marv and Vera and that Prescott is their accomplice, but it turns out that sweet old Molly is the inside man, not Prescott.
Kevin McCallister: (Gasps) You're- - you're the inside man?
Molly: I'm afraid so.
(Marv and Vera enter the house)
Marv: Hey, Mom.
(Kevin reacts in wide-eyed alarm)
(Marv and Vera wave at Molly)
Marv: We're here.
"God, this plot thread came absolutely nowhere. In fact... screw it. I'm just gonna play the same clip from Invader Zim." Sean said.
(A clip from Invader Zim is shown)
Zim: Oh, that's stupid!
Dim: Really stupid.
Kevin McCallister: (To Molly) "Mom"? He's your son?
Molly: I told you he was a handful.
"Isn't that what Ma Beagle said abouther boys?" Sean asked as a picture of Ma Beagle and the Beagle Boys from Ducktales are shown.
Sean: (Narrating) They lock Kevin in the wine cellar with Prescott and they try to come up with a plan to get out of there. Prescott has a cell phone and gives it to Kevin so he can call the 911... (The next scene cuts to Buzz answering the phone) or just call Buzz.
"God, you suck!" Sean yelled out.
Kevin McCallister: (On the phone) Hello, Buzz?
Buzz McCallister: Kevin, is that you?
Kevin McCallister: Yeah. I'm calling from a cell phone.
Buzz McCallister: Oh, a cell phone. Good for you, puke-face. Is that another present she gave you? What a showoff. (Hangs up)
"What a little trout-sniffer." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) Kevin tries again, but Buzz hangs up on him once more and him and Prescott have a strange heart-to-heart with each other.
Kevin McCallister: And where were you the first time these guys broke in? Why didn't you answer the intercom? Why did you shut off the cameras?
Prescott: I didn't. But if those thugs were using Molly's remote, they could've turned off the whole security system.
Kevin McCallister: But why'd you say I was lying?
Prescott: Well, because I thought you were. And besides, I didn't want Miss Natalie to know that I'd been... well, napping on the woman. If she could work me 24 hours a day, she would. It's downright inhuman...
"Napping on the job. Some head of security you are." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) Kevin tries to call his mom and when he reaches her, the battery dies. Yeah, should've charged your phone, buddy. But Prescott has an idea on how to escape, by using the dumbwaiter of course, that was hidden behind some boxes. At least you're finally doing something in this movie.
Kevin McCallister: I'm sorry I misjudged you, Mr. Prescott.
Prescott: (Smiles at Kevin) Likewise. (Laughing) I'll never forget Miss Natalie's reaction when she came home and saw what you'd done to the house.
(Kevin and Prescott both imitate Natalie and laughs)
Prescott: I do love watching her hyperventilate! (Laughs) It's one of the few pleasures of this job.
Kevin McCallister: If you hate this job, why don't you quit?
Prescott: (Scoffs) Jobs aren't that easy to come by. Besides, I could end up working for someone far worse.
Kevin McCallister: You shouldn't stay someplace you hate just 'cause you're scared. Life's too short.
"Are y'all trying to have this movie's little Old Man Marley moment right here? Are you trying to move us to tears? Because it certainly isn't working." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) Kevin uses the dumbwaiter to get out of the wine cellar and he uses it to outwit the criminals with some of his wacky hijinks.
(Marv stands underneath a pot that is hanging from a wire)
Kevin McCallister: Down here!
(Marv walks over to the dumbwaiter and stick his head inside the shaft)
Marv: You better stay- - (As the dumbwaiter slams down on his head) oww! Vera! Ow! Aah! Vera!
(Kevin runs over to the door as Vera runs back up the stairs)
Vera: What? Ooh!
Marv: Hit the button!
"Basically, the traps aren't that good than the original movies." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) It's basically cartoony and not violent and brutal and not funny. So after trap after trap, Kevin thwarts Marv and Vera, until Molly shows up after escaping from the elevator and tries to knock out Kevin with a frying pan. But Prescott knocks out Molly with a serving tray. Oh, yeah, and Kevin's family shows up to see if Kevin's alright. So yeah, the family that stays together, thwarts crime together. The cops show up to the house and Natalie arrives with the royals and she's not happy to see what's happening. Prescott quits and Peter goes back to Kate and the royal family decide to spend Christmas with the McCallisters to show their gratitude. And the movie ends with this.
Prescott: (Speaks into the remote) Music, on.
(Holiday music starts playing and Prescott hands the remote over to Kevin)
Kevin McCallister: (Speaks into the remote) Snow, fall.
(It suddenly starts snowing)
Kevin McCallister: I knew this was gonna be the best Christmas ever!
"And that was Home Alone 4. FUCK THIS MOVIE!" Sean yelled out.
(Clips from the movie are shown once more)
Sean: (Narrating) Yeah, after seeing this movie, it really made me sick to my stomach. Not to mention the fact that they brought back the McCallisters. What? You couldn't bring back the Pruitts? That would've been better. Or they would have created new characters for this one. Let me make this short and sweet, it's not good. Skip this one. Home Alone 4 comes in at 1 frozen butler out of 5.
"I'm Sean the Mayhem Critic and I'll see you guys next time." Sean said.
Mayhem Critic Tagline- That's why old guys drive sports cars.
And that was the newest chapter of The Mayhem Critic. Whew! Boy, I've finally got through this review. I was originally going to skip that one because of my dislike of the movie. But anyway, what did you think of the review? Next time on The Mayhem Critic, it's a Top 11 countdown. Which one should I work on? Here are the choices:
The Top 11 Underrated Movies: Sean the Mayhem Critic takes a look at some of these underrated classics that he remembers.
The Top 11 Funniest King of Queens Episodes: Sean takes a look at some of the funniest episodes of The King of Queens that had him laughing out loud.
The Top 11 Nostalgic TV Show Themes: Sean the Mayhem Critic recounts some of the nostalgic theme songs that still gets stuck in our heads.
The Top 11 Best Law & Order Episodes: Sean takes a look at some of the series' best episodes that are his favorites.
Which ones should I work on? After the Top 11 Countdown, it's the review of the movie Innerspace starring Dennis Quaid, Martin Short and Meg Ryan. Don't forget to leave a review, please no rude comments and no troll comments or you will be blocked and reported. Also, feel free to add this story to your favorites and follow it for future updates. I'll see you guys next time. Till next time, my fellow readers.