Chapter 52: The Heart of a Guardian
I stood alone in a field outside Viridian, and I couldn't remember how I'd gotten there. The grass was bathed in moonlight. I turned in every direction, unsure where I was supposed to go, or what I should be doing. In the distance, city lights… and smoke.
Wingbeats stirred the air. My chest constricted. I jerked my head upward and found myself staring into an avian face twisted into a cruel smirk. Glowing blue eyes gazed into my soul.
I tried to turn and run, but my legs moved in slow motion. Distant echoes of psychic pain tore my body apart. I was sinking, slipping into a smothering dark void. My arms blindly reached out for something to grab hold of, but the movement was sluggish, muscles unresponsive.
Couldn't breathe. Drowning. Deeper and deeper, until the only thing I could see were those piercing eyes staring down at me like I was nothing.
And then a jolt of sparks.
My eyes snapped open. I squinted, forcing them to focus. Something yellow, right in front of me, slowly coming into view. It was Chibi, fixing me with his intense gaze, a shade of concern in his eyes.
"*You're awake,*" he said.
I let out a long, slow breath. "Yeah."
I was lying on my stomach in the dirt. Our surroundings were dark, and I couldn't see much beyond a circle of flickering firelight. Firestorm? No, just a tiny campfire smoldering within a circle of rocks.
"Is Firestorm okay?" I asked.
"*He wasn't hurt too bad. He's resting in his ball.*"
I relaxed slightly. Good, that was good. The attack that got me must have hit Firestorm too, but it was fire, so he'd been able to endure.
I shifted an arm to try to lift myself, but then a blinding, stinging pain flared up and I sank back against the ground, breathing heavily.
[You shouldn't move.]
The psychic voice caught me off guard. I slowly struggled to lift my head enough to see Lugia gazing down at me, its eyes troubled.
"My back hurts," I muttered, voice strained. Or at least, not my back, more like… the skin all around it? Which meant…
Entei's fire. Ohhh god, everything I couldn't feel had been burned away. All across my entire back. That was really, really bad, wasn't it? Oh god.
I was trembling. I felt weak, dizzy just thinking about it.
"How bad is it? Am… am I going to…?" I couldn't finish the sentence.
[I managed to force the wound to close,] Lugia said. [But I cannot do much more than that. You will still require medical attention.]
"*This was the best you could do?*" Chibi asked incredulously.
Lugia drew itself back, ruffling its feathers. [It's hard, all right? Healing oneself is one thing, but healing others is something not many beings can do. And on a human, no less! The only reason I got as far as I did was because I just have that much power.]
Chibi made a sort of disapproving huff, but didn't say anything else.
I exhaled slowly, feeling my pulse slowly settle back down. Okay, that was… okay for now. It still hurt. Each breath made me very aware of the raw, blistered skin surrounding the wound. I'd just… try not to think about it. However hard that was.
One breath at a time. In, out. I kept my eyes shut and tried to think of anything else.
[To be honest, I'm not sure how I got as far as I did,] Lugia said privately. [I've never been able to heal others before. And it really shouldn't be possible on a human, anyway. I just… I was desperate.]
[Maybe it's because I'm your chosen.]
[That doesn't make any sense. Our psychic link isn't exactly going to let me rewrite how biology works.]
I sighed. [It was just an idea.]
Another thing that Lugia didn't understand. I needed to get used to it.
"Okay, so…"—I took a deep breath—"even if the situation isn't as bad as I thought, we still need to get out of here, don't we?"
[If I fly back now, we may run into the enemy again,] Lugia said flatly. [I do not presently have the stamina to fight them off again. Not after attempting to heal you. I need to roost.]
A sinking feeling crept over me. "And Mew doesn't know we're here, so she can't come get us."
Lugia considered something for a bit. [Do you have means of contacting your allies?]
"I tried to text them when we first got attacked, but I wasn't able to give specifics." At least they knew we were in trouble? But who knew how long it would take for them to find us?
[Can you contact them again?]
Shame. Burning shame. "I… lost the phone. During the attack."
Lugia's tail swished agitatedly. [We must wait, then. I will recover my strength. Get some rest.]
The minutes crawled by. Chibi was alert, staring up at the sky, watching for any sign of movement. Every so often, his tail twitched. I tried to sleep, but it was impossible to get comfortable. I was stuck lying on my stomach, unable to turn on my side, and each time I dared to try, I had to suck in a breath as the pain flared up again.
The creepiest part was the fact that I couldn't feel a thing on my back. Nothing. Not even the air, just a total void of any sensation. The surrounding skin, however… that was on fire.
[Mew will find us.] Lugia said firmly, trying to convince itself. [I have never been able to evade them for long, even when I have hoped for solitude.]
Lugia had settled into a resting position, with its neck curled back and its tail wrapped around its feet. Eyes closed most of the time, but every so often the seabird glanced at me. Its mind was a swirl of conflicting emotions, and I couldn't get a read on most of them. Frustration, anxiety… guilt, maybe?
[I'm sorry.]
I blinked. "For…?"
[You wouldn't have been injured if you hadn't come along with me.]
Something about the awkward embarrassment in its voice left me chuckling without really knowing why. It immediately turned into a fit of coughing as a jolt of pain surged through me.
"I guess it's just part of what I signed up for when I agreed to be chosen," I said, forcing a smile.
Lugia hummed. [As you are meant to aid me, I am meant to aid you. That is the agreement.]
"I guess so."
It struck me that Lugia, for all its talk, did take the chosen pact pretty seriously. Even when it was frustrated by the vagueness, or scorning the idea of fate… it had never treated the pact itself as anything less than important.
It was weird how normal it felt to me now. Me, a lowly human, joined with a legend. I'd gotten so used to feeling that presence in the back of my mind. Not having it there would have been weirder at this point.
"Why did you choose me?" I asked.
Lugia tilted its head. [You know why.]
"I know why I was a candidate. But why, specifically, did you pick me?"
Lugia turned away. [It's nothing, really. But we… we've toyed with the idea… That is to say, that each legend is drawn to a virtue of sorts. I'm not saying it's true, just a silly superstition really, but—]
I groaned. "Oh, just say it."
[Determination.]
I blinked.
Lugia closed its eyes, embarrassed. [I was drawn to your determination.]
I wasn't really sure what to make of that. 'Determination'?
"I never would have described myself as a particularly determined person," I said, smiling weakly.
[What would you call your insistence in remaining in this fight, despite the great personal toll it has taken?] Lugia asked, fixing its eyes on me.
I furrowed my brow. "Okay, but… I ran away."
[Mew has described it as you exerted a great force of will, and needed to recover. Is that not accurate?]
I almost chuckled, but managed to hold it back. Mew, always putting a positive spin on everything. Almost like…
"What drew Mew to Ajia?" I asked.
Lugia glanced at me. [I'm sure you have already guessed. They share the same optimism.]
Yeah, that wasn't hard to see. And then Moltres… Moltres had fought Rudy because it wanted to see his passion.
Four more legends needed to find their chosen. I wasn't sure how much time they had. Some of them—Suicune and Zapdos—I hadn't seen since last year. What were they doing? Were they safe?
…There probably wasn't much point worrying about that right now.
I closed my eyes, hoping I could ignore the pain long enough to at least get a little rest.
What felt like minutes later, I heard Chibi shouting, "*Up there!*" and the heavy weight of Lugia pivoting next to me. My eyes snapped open, and I squinted into the night sky.
"What is it?"
"*Something's there,*" Chibi said, staring at the sky with his tail bolt upright. I struggled to twist myself so that I could look up as well, gritting my teeth through the pain. The sky was pitch-dark and moonless; the only light in the sky was the stars.
Lugia stamped a foot on the campfire, putting it out instantly. My eyes slowly adjusted to the darkness as we waited in tense silence.
I could see a dark shape passing in front of the stars, blotting them out. It could just be some random nocturnal Pokémon. I told myself that over and over, but the thing looked too big.
Lugia crouched low over us, spreading its wings. [Don't move. I'll make sure they can't hit either of you.]
A bright blue beam pierced the darkness, striking the earth so close I could feel the waves of cold radiating out from the impact. Articuno. It had found us.
I expected Lugia to take off, to confront Articuno. But it stayed grounded, drawing itself inward, focusing its energy. I felt an aura of calm filling its mind, latent power drifting to the surface.
Another beam struck, and my heart jumped into my throat as strings of icy blue light rained down around Lugia's frame.
I strained my neck to get a better look at the air. Lugia drew itself back and fired a waterspout upward, but Articuno saw it coming and dodged it easily. The ice bird retaliated with another blinding beam, frigid air washing over the ground. Lugia tensed, keeping itself firm, wings spread low overhead. It was an endless torrent of ice, one after another, striking Lugia repeatedly as it held the defensive position.
[Is that the best you can do?! It'll take more than that to bring me down!] Lugia snarled.
But the legend was obviously worn out. I could feel the waves of exhaustion radiating from its mind. And I couldn't do anything but lie there and hope that Lugia could handle it. Maybe Lugia could beat Articuno one-on-one, but when it had to stand in one spot and couldn't move or dodge or anything…?
[You could try to draw it off,] I said. Maybe they'd follow Lugia and wouldn't notice me. Anything other than just sitting here.
[You would be unguarded,] Lugia snapped with a tone like I was speaking nonsense.
I wanted to say that I'd have my team, but I knew that was stupid. I couldn't expect them to be able to drive off a legend, especially not while in a weakened state.
Chibi was tense, sparks leaping from his fur, ready to let his power loose if Lugia fell. But even if he did, that would only buy us a moment before we'd be frozen solid.
Snow piled up around us. A horrible chill hung in the air. Lugia was breathing heavily and each blow made it sink lower. Any moment now its defense would falter, and then…
[This is insane, we have to make a break for it,] I said.
[That is foolish,] Lugia snapped. [How are you supposed to hold on in your condition?]
[Anything's better than staying here!] I shot back. Still, in the back of my mind, I knew Lugia was right. I wouldn't be able to hold on. Maybe Lugia could distract them while Firestorm carried me off. But what if they spotted his tail flame?
My mind was racing. We couldn't stay here, we couldn't flee, what were we supposed to do?
An orange glow, in the corner of my vision. Lugia jerked in surprise, and then a pillar of flames erupted from the sky. Oh god. I screwed my eyes shut, my mind replaying that horrible, searing heat, over and over—
But then Articuno let out a horrible screech, and I realized that the fire wasn't aimed at us.
The wind shifted; Articuno must have circled around to find another opening, but another blast of flames cut it off, lighting the whole clearing with a scarily bright glow. One last Ice Beam crashed against Lugia's back, followed by another stream of fire pouring down from above. Another screech, then wingbeats leading away from us, growing fainter.
And somehow, miraculously, that was the end of it. No more ice. No more attacks of any kind. We were safe?
Talons hit the dirt not far from us. I craned my neck to get a better look and saw a golden tail shimmering in the residual firelight… Ho-oh!
"We don't have much time," the phoenix said, folding its wings. "I'm sure they'll be back with reinforcements soon enough."
Lugia relaxed. [Right. We kind of have a situation here, and—] Lugia's words cut off suddenly, and a dull confusion washed over it. [You have a human on your neck.]
"Thank you for informing me," Ho-oh replied dryly.
The confusion melted into intense skepticism. [And you're alright with that?]
"Presumably, considering I came all this way without seeing fit to remove her."
What? Someone was riding Ho-oh? Who?
"Jade!" a voice rang out. Footsteps rushed toward me.
I jolted. Starr? Here? What?
"What the hell happened to you?!" she demanded, kneeling in front of me. I struggled to brace myself so that I could look up at her face and see her eyes wide with shock and worry.
"We weren't looking for trouble, honest. We sort of just… ran into it," I said lamely.
Starr glanced over her shoulder. "Why did you let this happen?!"
I was about to stammer out some kind of reply, but then I realized that it wasn't directed at me at all.
[Me?] Lugia asked indignantly.
"Who else?"
[We were ambushed,] Lugia snapped. [I did all that I could.]
"Some good you are," she muttered under her breath, turning back toward me and grimacing.
"How bad is it?" I asked.
Starr clicked her tongue. "It's… .pretty bad." She sat down on the ground next to me so I didn't have to crane my neck as far to look at her.
"You're… gonna be okay, right?" she said, quieter this time.
I swallowed. "I think so. Lugia was able to fix some of it at least."
Starr gave Lugia a sideways glance and I felt the legend glower at her.
"Good. Cause if anything happened to you, I'd never forgive you." She opted to punch the ground to accentuate that remark rather than punching my shoulder.
"How did you find us?" I asked.
"Ajia got your text. We had to split up to cover more ground. Which reminds me—I've got to let Ajia know where we are. Mew can get you out of here." She pulled out her phone and began typing up a message.
A wave of relief was slowly spreading through my body, and I probably would have collapsed if I weren't already lying on the ground. We were going to make it out of here alive. Even if I was still flooded with pain and the humiliation of feeling helpless… things just felt better with Starr here.
Starr gave me a brief sideways glance in the middle of her typing. She didn't say anything, but a few seconds later she grabbed my hand and held it tight. I attempted to squeeze back, with what little strength I had.
"It's kind of surprising that you rode Ho-oh here," I said quietly.
"I don't have any flying Pokémon; how else was I supposed to go looking for you?" Starr replied flatly without looking up from her phone.
Well, yeah, but… Starr didn't have any flying Pokémon because she hated flying. Jumping straight to making a Legendary fly her into danger was a bit unexpected.
"She insisted," Ho-oh said simply. "Or perhaps a better word would be 'demanded'?"
Lugia gave Ho-oh a skeptical look. [And you would give in to the demands of a human?]
"It's not as though I was not already invested in searching for you two," Ho-oh said dismissively. "And besides—haven't you done the same?" the phoenix added with a twinkle of amusement.
[That's completely different,] Lugia replied defensively. [I swore an oath to aid my chosen. Not following the whims of whatever human comes along.]
Ho-oh hummed. "Perhaps she ought to be my chosen, then."
Everyone froze. The sheer weight of what Ho-oh had just said hung in the air for several seconds.
Starr whirled around to face the phoenix. "Hang on… what?!"
"You feel drawn to this conflict, I know. I've seen it," Ho-oh said, gazing at her. "You have refused to abandon your companions, despite your every insistence that you want no part of this. You have the heart of a guardian, and your threads of fate are crossed with these events more than anyone I've seen. I believe you would make me a fine chosen."
"I… what the hell. Is that a request? Are you asking me to—"
"Merely an observation," Ho-oh said cryptically.
Starr stared up at the Legendary, her expression somewhere between disbelief and anger. "I'm an ex-Rocket. I helped them catch you Legendaries. Why the hell would you want to choose me?"
Ho-oh tilted its head, though its giant amber eyes remained firmly on her. "Do you believe that one's life should be forever defined by a past mistake?"
Starr eyes were livid. "It wasn't just some one-off mistake! That was my life! For years! I was loyal to them above all else!"
"All the more reason to admire the conviction it took to walk away."
Starr grabbed her forehead. "Oh my god, stop putting a positive spin on everything."
Ho-oh tilted its head at her. "You know, there is no need to convince me that you are unfit for this role. I cannot force you to be chosen. It is up to you."
She turned away from the phoenix and sank back down next to me. I stared at her, unsure of what I should be feeling. Starr, a candidate for being chosen. It made sense, from what Lugia had told me in the past. Still…
"Did you actually get a choice?" Starr asked me, her voice low.
I paused. "It wouldn't have worked if I hadn't said yes."
Starr's brow furrowed. She didn't say anything for a long while. Then: "Why did you?"
"Huh?"
"Why did you say yes?"
Why had I? It felt like an eternity ago—like I'd forgotten what life used to be like before being chosen. Probably because I'd felt inextricably tied up in this fight since long before that.
"I just figured… if this fight's going to happen with or without me, and I'm one of the ones who can actually make a difference, then… I've got to."
'I've got to.' Not because anyone was making me. But because this was what my life was like now. There was no changing that.
"This is bullshit," Starr said bitterly. "The chosen thing, the Rocket stuff, all of it. I shouldn't be involved. But then suddenly you and Ajia are off on this quest to save all the Legendaries, when I'm part of the reason they're in trouble in the first place, and—" She stopped, shaking her head. "I never wanted to go off and play hero like you two. I don't deserve to—" Again, her words cut off. She grabbed her hair and said, "Is this supposed to make up for what I did? Is it really that easy?"
"I wouldn't call this easy," I said quietly.
"You know what I mean," she said. But to be honest, I really didn't. Things were hard enough for her already without making them even harder.
We sat there for a while. I wasn't sure whether she'd want me to talk her out of it… or whether I'd want to talk her out of it. This had all happened so fast. Even if the more I thought about it, the more inevitable this was.
"Hell with it," Starr muttered. "I always knew there was no getting out of it." She made eye contact with me. "If you're stuck in this godawful mess, then I am too, and I might as well let a Legendary have my back through it all."
Starr stood up sharply and pivoted around to face Ho-oh. She jabbed a thumb toward her chest and said, "Alright fine, you've got your wish. Make me your goddamn chosen."
Ho-oh bowed its head deeply. "Very well. Approach me."
Starr took forceful steps toward the phoenix, glaring up at it defiantly. Ho-oh gazed back, calm and steadfast.
"It must be your choice, and your choice alone. Are you ready?"
My chest tightened. The choosing. All the negative emotions connected to the fight, all at once. Starr… had a lot of those. Probably more than I even knew. Ho-oh wouldn't have her go through with this if it didn't trust that she'd be able to endure, right?
"Just fucking do it before I change my mind."
Ho-oh bowed again. And then its wings shot straight up, and multicolored flames erupted from the ground. My breath hitched, every muscle tensing at once. Brilliant hues streaked the darkness, swirling in a vortex with Starr at the center. Every so often the flames parted, and I caught a glimpse of her doubled over and clutching her head.
It was going to be okay. Ajia, Rudy, and I had all already gone through the same thing, and we'd endured. Starr was strong. It was going to be okay.
And then, after an endless moment, the vortex shattered, scattering rainbow embers through the air. Starr sank to her knees, breathing heavily. I wanted to run over to her, but I couldn't move.
She slowly turned toward me with a distant, almost haunted look. "Dammit, what the hell was that…" she said, her voice weak like she'd just run a mile.
I hesitated. "It's sort of like a test," I said. In my mind, I saw those blue eyes piercing the night sky yet again.
"No one said anything about a friggin' test," Starr muttered, bracing herself with her arms as she slowly staggered to her feet. She clutched her forehead and gave Ho-oh a sideways glance. "I feel you in my mind. Is that how it's gonna be from now on?"
Ho-oh nodded. "We have a psychic link now, yes."
"Great, I get to be scolded all the time." She turned toward me. "Is that how it is for you and Lugia?"
I gave a small snort. "Pretty much."
Lugia rolled its eyes. [You tend to do all the scolding.]
Starr stumbled over to me, dragging her feet as she did, then flopping to the ground next to me.
"It's weird as hell thinking of us being in the same situation," she said in a low voice. "But I guess we already were, in a way."
I looked away. "I'm sorry."
Starr pinched the bridge of her nose. "It's not your fault, Jade," she said tiredly. "I'm just… It's complicated."
Complicated. Things had been complicated for a long time, and probably wouldn't stop being complicated. But at least we weren't alone.
A flash of light. I couldn't see them, but I was pretty sure Mew and Ajia had just appeared.
"Holy crap, Jade, what happened?" Yep, Ajia.
I traded glances with Starr. "It's… it's a long story."
There was a lot to explain. We teleported back to the Indigo Ranger HQ, instead of the outpost we'd been staying at. Our streak of causing a fuss at ungodly hours of the night continued, but this time there was a bit more forgiveness, given the situation.
I was given tons and tons of creams and gauze and painkillers and fluids and an IV. As well as dozens of bewildered questions as to how on earth there was any kind of healing already present. It was bizarre having a bunch of people in a fuss over my condition being somehow 'really bad' and also 'better than it had any right to be' at the same time.
Mew wasn't upset that we'd left without telling her. She was mostly just sad, which I think bothered Lugia more. At some point Ajia ended up asking the obvious question regarding Ho-oh, and Starr begrudgingly told her that she'd been chosen, with the sort of tone you'd use for homework. Ajia was obviously overjoyed and gave Starr a big hug and Starr made a show of trying to push her away, and that was the last thing I remembered before passing out.
I drifted in and out of a painkiller-induced haze for the rest of the morning, and when I woke up, I was lying in bed in the medical ward, and there was sunlight coming through the window. Chibi was curled up on the blanket next to me, asleep. I hoped the rest of my team wasn't worried about me. Well, most of them weren't the type to worry, but maybe Swift and Firestorm would.
I didn't have time to worry about them, though, because the next thing I knew, the door had opened and a whole bunch of people had filed in, and before I could even identify who was here, I had Rudy all up in my face.
"Got any badass scars?" he asked eagerly.
Darren raised a finger. "Better question: would you want someone to ask you that when you first woke up?"
Rudy gave him an indignant look. "Hell yeah, I would."
Well, there was probably going to be a lot of scarring after what I'd been through, so I couldn't even say that he was wrong.
Once we were safe from being overheard by any staff I told everyone the full story of what had happened. Naturally, the reactions varied between shock and confusion. Part of me was glad that Lugia wasn't around to hear all the snide comments being thrown its way. But there was plenty of outrage toward Mewtwo as well.
"Why the hell did Mewtwo want to meet up if he was just going to change his mind at the last second?" Starr demanded.
"*He must have had good reason,*" Mew said thoughtfully.
Starr folded her arms. "Yeah, well, maybe he didn't, and he's just screwing with us."
It was hard to think about Mewtwo right now. My brain felt like sludge. Some more discussion followed, but I wasn't paying attention to most of it until Starr got in my face.
"I mentioned that it was stupid to go out like that, right?" Starr said.
I nodded vaguely. "You did."
"We're all just glad you're okay," Ajia said reassuringly.
I forced a smile. I guess it could have been a lot worse.
Starr was giving me an odd look. "You look like you're about to pass out," she said flatly.
"I just got a bunch of sleep," I mumbled, sinking into the covers a bit.
Starr exhaled sharply. "Yeah, well, you probably need a shit ton more after what you went through. Alright, everyone out."
Starr stood up and shooed everyone out of the room. I then proceeded to pass out for the rest of the night.
When I next woke up, it was night again. The fresh, raw skin under the bandages itched and stung, and I had to fight the urge to scratch it so badly.
The first thing I noticed about my surroundings was that Chibi had wandered off at some point. The second thing I noticed was that I wasn't alone—Starr was sitting in one of the chairs next to my bed. She'd been reading something on her phone but looked up once she noticed that I'd moved.
"Hey. Feeling any better?" she asked.
I shifted. "A little." It took a few seconds to form the question in my head: "Were you just… waiting there?"
She shrugged. "Not like I had anything better to do tonight."
My tired brain was a haze of emotion—guilt, regret, frustration—and I didn't have the energy to sort through it. Half of me desperately wanted to get out of bed and move around. The other half just wanted more sleep.
"So Lugia was able to heal the rest of the burns, right?" Starr asked.
I grimaced. "Sort of… It's all scab right now. I'm not sure how long it will take to heal for real." I reached a hand around and grimaced as I ran my fingers along the bandages. Even the lightest touch felt like a flurry of needles across the fresh skin.
"There's probably gonna be a ton of scarring," I mumbled. I still hadn't figured out how to feel about that. A bit self-conscious, I guess. It was a permanent reminder of my stupidity.
Starr leaned her face against her knuckles, looking pensive. "Well, you're not alone there."
I blinked at her. "…Huh?"
She was quiet for a few seconds. Then, with a look of resignation, she said, "See for yourself." And she turned around and lifted the back of her shirt.
My eyes widened. Her entire back was covered in elaborate tattoos. Stylized, intricate designs of all her Pokémon, surrounded by their elements. Crashing waves, swirling flames, bolts of lightning—it only got more detailed the longer I looked at it.
And there, in the very center, a prominent scar carved in the shape of an 'R.'
"Holy crap," I breathed. I never knew. I had no idea that she was carrying something like that with her.
"It symbolizes undying loyalty," Starr said with a bitter laugh. "The ultimate sign of my commitment to serving Team Rocket."
My eyes couldn't help drifting back to the scar. I almost didn't want to know, but…
"What's with the scar?"
"It's punishment for my biggest failure—the time I failed my assignment to hunt down and kill Ajia before the revolt. I had to order Feraligatr to do it."
I winced. Her own Pokémon had scarred her like that?
Starr covered the tattoo—and the scar—once more. She let out a sigh as she sat down on the side of the bed. "You don't understand how it is—following orders is everything on Team Rocket. Feraligatr didn't so much as hesitate. I'd have been furious with her if she had."
I guess she was right… I really didn't understand.
There was a pause as it looked like she was mulling what to say next. "I've been thinking about having one of my Pokémon burn it off."
It took several seconds for her words to sink in, but when they did, a sickly feeling came over me. "…What?"
Starr gripped the sheet with clenched fingers. "I hate knowing that it's there. I hate knowing I can never move on from that."
"That's not true. You have moved on," I insisted.
She gave a hollow laugh and shook her head. "You know, I still see it sometimes."
I tilted my head. What was she talking about?
"Like, we'll be talking about whatever, and then I'll just… see you lying there in that detention cell. And for a moment, it's like I'm there." She screwed her eyes shut, balling her hands into fists. "It'll pass a second later, but then I can't look you in the eye for the rest of the day without thinking about it."
My breath caught in my chest. It had been nearly a year since it happened. There were still times when I'd see it too. Sometimes it was just a sideways glance at her from the wrong angle that would send my heart rate skyrocketing. Other times it was the wrong tone of voice or the wrong expression, and I'd suddenly feel on-edge, like I had to be ready for a fight any second. It happened less and less often as time went on, but… the memory still lingered. I wasn't sure if it would ever go away entirely.
"And like, I know I tried to pretend I wasn't thinking about it when we first started traveling together, but… that was a lie. Seems like lying is the only damn thing I know how to do," she said with another hollow laugh.
My brain was too tired to refute any of it. The sharp-edged words were aimed at herself, but I could feel them too.
Starr's brow furrowed, her eyes distant. "Having this permanent reminder of who I was—the things I did… I want it gone, and I want it to hurt."
"You don't… you don't have to…" My words trailed off and died.
"It's stupid," she said bitterly. "I know erasing it won't erase the things I did, but it's something I need to do." A tired half-smile crossed her face. "Besides… then we'll match."
I grimaced. "I'm not sure how I'm supposed to feel about that."
Starr exhaled. "That's fine. I'm doing it for myself anyway."
I shivered, uncomfortable with the topic. "We don't have to think about that stuff," I said quietly. It was in the past. It didn't matter. Even if…
Starr leaned back, staring at the ceiling. "You know how, when we first started traveling together, you asked me why I did what I did in that cell?"
My mouth went dry. "Yeah. I remember."
"I told you that I had to put on a show for the others. And that was true, but… it's more that… I was just so angry. Angry that you wouldn't give in and make it easier for me to justify keeping you alive. Angry that you didn't realize that cooperating would make everything easier on both of us. I can try to say that I hated every second of it, but there was some part of me that thought you deserved that," she said disgustedly.
I stared at her, feeling cold. Twice, I tried to say something, but the words died in my mouth.
Starr turned to face me. "What if I wanted that? What if I wanted to hurt you? What does that say about me?" She buried her face in her hands. "I couldn't even admit it to you because that would make it true."
My throat clenched. What if she'd wanted that? What if…
"I just… I didn't want you to be afraid of me anymore," Starr went on, voice breaking. "You had every right to be. I just wanted to pretend that it never happened. But… you can't. So why should I be able to?"
The air was dead still. Nothing existed but the two of us.
"You don't… think that anymore?" I asked quietly.
Starr wiped her face roughly, avoiding my eye. "Of course not."
I took a deep breath. "Then… I'd rather think about the you that I know right now than the you from back then. Maybe there was a moment where you… wanted that. But that was a long time ago."
"Don't try to spare my feelings," Starr snapped, now staring straight at me. "I did that to you, and you're the one paying for it, and anything I'm feeling is meaningless, you hear?"
"I don't…"—I shifted, unable to move very well, unable to reach out, much as I wanted to—"I don't think it's meaningless."
Starr didn't respond. Her gaze dropped to the floor as she fidgeted with her wristbands.
"I chose to start things over with you," I said firmly. "And maybe there were some bad things I didn't know about, but that really doesn't change everything from the past year. You threw away your life to save mine, and you didn't even know why, and that's why I knew it was real."
I stopped to catch my breath—too many words, too forceful for the state I was in. "And—and I don't regret that choice, not in the slightest."
Starr was quiet for a long while, staring downward with a pensive look. Finally, she exhaled long and slow and said, "Ugh, look at me making this all about me. How are you feeling?"
I blinked, a bit taken aback. "It… hurts less now. Lugia made another heal attempt."
Starr rubbed her temples. "That oversized Wingull, I swear to god…"
"Don't—don't be too hard on Lugia," I said, wincing. "It… felt really bad. And it really did try its hardest to heal me."
"I guess," Starr said with a dismissive shrug. She sat up straighter on the edge of the bed, folding her arms behind her head. "Anyway, now I'm stuck with an oversized bird of my own, so I have to make the best of it. Not exactly looking forward to more flights, though," she added with a smirk.
I couldn't help cracking a smile at that one, and Starr looked satisfied with my reaction.
Then she leaned her head against her palm and asked, "Hey, do you think what Ho-oh said is true?"
"About what?"
"About me being a 'guardian,'" she said, adding finger quotes for good measure. "I mean, it sounds stupid, but…"
I rubbed my arm. "You are kinda protective."
Starr rolled her eyes. "Look, someone's got to keep you guys from getting yourselves killed. Buuuut I guess I'll have an easier time of that now that I'm chosen," she said with mock disgust on the last word.
I gave a low snort, and it hurt, but it also felt good to laugh. "You say that like it's the worst thing ever."
"Uh huh. Have you taken a look at all this?" she said, gesturing to all of me.
I laughed again, and this time it turned into a wave of coughing halfway through.
"I think,"—I inhaled deeply, struggling to get my breath under control—"I think that I'd have been a lot worse off if I didn't have a Legendary."
Starr gave a long, exaggerated sigh. "Yeah, yeah. I suppose I might as well get used to it. And I guess it helps to think of yourself as a badass every once in a while."
I smiled. "That almost sounds like something Ajia would say."
"Yeah? Well, maybe she's rubbing off on me."
Starr grabbed my hand, and I didn't flinch.